Lost for Words
Herder: Peering out from behind an obscenely large pile of novelty towels with phrases like ‘The Great Sweat is Sweatin’ Great’ and ‘Enlist with the bountiful Venusian Empire’s army today! We have cookies’ and ‘Ain’t those credits going to earn themselves! Work to party party to work! (small print: The Venusian Empire does not endorse or condone workplace levity or shirking of the worker’s secret duty to bolster our great institution. Such transgressions are punishable by community service and/or execution)’
All I could find were these godawful novelty towels in the gift shop. I even had to leave them an endorsement so they’d give me a discount. “I’m Commander Herder and this is my favourite store in VibeCity” will haunt me until my final dying days.
Elton: Good news! Good news! I am proud to announce by brand new album “Overexposure”, releasing this coming Friday exclusively on Spaceport Vibe City.
Yes, after my last album sold less than the Antiques Roadshow Soundtrack, I have decided to ditch my current lyricist (sorry Pchibs) and bring back the one and only Mr Bernie Taupin. You know, the one who wrote all the lyrics to the hits that you actually like and remember? What’s that? You actually like my late 80s-00s stuff? Pfffttt No you don’t.
Me and Bernie are back to create an album which is more or less the same as my Greatest Hits album, with a few key and lyric changes here and there. It’s all the songs you know, in a way that you don’t.
And to celebrate, I am about to embark on a 365 day residency at the CO2 Vibe City Arena. Because you can’t get enough of Elton John!
What’s that? You’d like to see some of the other artists who may wish to tour the Vibe City Arena. Perhaps something a bit more, “modern”? But… I’m Elton John. People love Elton John. All these new artists on the radio, they possibly can’t compare, can they? People say “gosh, this new music sucks, back in my day we had Elton John. The charts haven’t been good since Elton John took up all top 40 spots. #BringBackElton. Etc etc.”
Fine, you can have your wish. It is good to support newer and upcoming artists.
So on that note, coming up on VibeCity radio this morning: Olivia Rodrigo- Spaceship License (ft. Elton John), Lil Nas X- Old Space Port (duet with Elton John), and Drake- Great Sweat’s Plan (Elton John Remix)
Clarence: Clarence stumbles in, wearing a pair of sunglasses, and speaking into a tape recorder and carrying an empty bottle. Day 3. Not in the mood to write right now. Woke up in the shower, the water had been running cold all night. I bet they'll make me pay for it. Maybe I should stop drinking so much. Apparently I left myself post-it notes to help me when I woke up... what help they were. I knew my handwriting was bad, but Jesus, these scribbles are hardly discernible. One of them said... I think "Hedgar"? It was on an empty bottle of non-specific alcoholic beverage, so I'm taking it with me to look for clues. he clicks the tape recorder, presumably stopping it.
Tilly: Oh hey Clarry, I've been looking for you. It's soooo great that you've been making use of all the facilities here on VibeCity! We love that! Just wanted to let you know, you currently owe Alejandro Enterprises 56 work credits - that's 5 for all the alcohol you consumed, and of course, 51 for leaving the shower on all night. Water is a precious commodity! I'm sure you understand! :D
Clarence: 5 credits for the alcohol you say? How much does that buy you?
Elton: Don’t know about the alcohol here, but I wouldn’t recommend the slush puppies. Tastes a bit beef.
Clarence: I think the alcohol is alright... clearly. I keep buying this one called "non-specific alcoholic beverage" which doesn't actually tell you the alcohol concentration. It tastes like alcohol. Can't tell you how much it costs.
Tilly: Quite a lot, really... it's equivalent to about 32 grotzits, or 940 Martian dollops, or £250 in Earth money. But I'm sure that won't be a problem for you!
Clarence: FUCK! How many credits is that though?
Tilly: 5 work credits! Plus another 51 in addition! But hey, no rush! Just make sure you get it paid by the end of the day! :D
Clarence: Yeah, yeah, whatever, I'm trying to figure out how many credits 1 bottle of non-specific alcoholic beverage costs, I'm trying to solve a mystery here.
Tilly: Given that you consumed ten large bottles, the answer is around half a credit! :D
Clarence turns around and does some maths aloud Right, so If I charge 1 credit per case... that's not bad, right I'd only need to start 56 cases...
Herder: Just do what I do and sell all of my countless miscellaneous junk to unsuspecting merchants who purchase everything at a meagre percentage of the buying price
Clarence: ... Why do you have so many rags then? Never mind, do you have any idea who "Hedgar" could be, and why they'd want an empty bottle... wait... fuck, what if they wanted a full bottle...
Herder: Poor inventory management
Emerald wanders in, yawning and wearing pajamas with little guitars on them.Morning, peeps. How's tricks?
Clarence: I'm in debt.
Piglet: No, I- I think you’re in vibe city!
Tilly: That's right! VibeCity - the happiest place in the universe!
Thirteen: Oh, there you are, Piglet! Tilly said you have to give me my coat back, I'm sorry!
Piglet: Oh, well, that’s alright. It looks better on you anyway 🙂
Tilly: It's true. Hm?
Clarence: Debt is when you owe bastards a lot of money.
Piglet: Anyway, I think the heffalumps are gone
Thirteen: puts coat back on and stretches
Clarence: What the Hell's a Heffalump?
Tilly, to Clarence: That's a very mean thing to say! Debt is when you owe VERY NICE people a lot of--- hmmmm
Emerald, to Clarence: Can you not swear in front of the foal? Have a little decency!
Piglet: i- it's a very scary sort of creature... big and huge and mean... they like to Get little piglets, so i hear. i never could find out what they'd want to Get me for. i'm not very useful, unless maybe they wanted to be friends? i don't think so, though.
Emerald: If any Heffalumps show up around here again, they'll have to answer to me, Kyla, and the Commander.
Herder: Your impressionable naive little mind is clouded by unfounded prejudice Piglet
Mop: Can we not accuse each other of racism yet, it's only checks watch oh... the afternoon.
Herder: Oh don’t worry about that buddy, I’ve moved on from Molotov cocktails. Towel bombs are where it’s really at
Clarence: So you're Hedgar? I thought you were Herder... whatever. If you're making towel bombs could you threaten whoever controls debt around here?
Herder: I just hate to see all of these liberal centrists and fascists coddle and manipulate a gullible stuffed animal into spouting propaganda for the authoritarian state. Hedgar is my alias for when I want to go on the down low, which isn’t often because I love attention too much
Clarence: I'm just gonna go, it feels like everyone's speaking out of order at the moment... leaves, but not before placing his business card on top of an Elton John promotion... he needs the money
Herder: Also threatening debt collectors is my bread and butter
Emerald shrugs and begins idly playing her guitar, not performing anything in particular.
Tilly: There are no Heffalumps in the Venusian Empire! Any claims to the contrary are Earth propaganda!
Piglet: what's wrong with progapanda? do you not like bears?
Emerald: Propaganda means... fake information, Piglet. Like somepony telling you a lie on purpose.
Tilly: Yeah! And the Earth Confederacy are always spreading lies, very much on purpose! Not like The Great Sweat, who is actually biologically incapable of saying untruths!
Emerald: What she said just then? That's propaganda.
Tilly: I resent that allegation!
Emerald: Resent it all you like, doesn't make it any less true.
Tilly: I would never seek to gain people's trust in order to spread propagandistic lies! After all, I'm Tilly, everyone's bestest bud! You can always believe what I say!
Emerald: As Peace Sign once sang, "I'm sick and tired of hearing things
From uptight, short-sighted, narrow-minded hypocritics, all I want is the truth, just gimme some truth..."
Elton: He also once sang I Saw Her Standing There and Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds with Yours Truly!
Emerald smiles. I've got that album at home... if I'd known you'd be here, I'd've brought it with me.
Hinesly: As someone who works in business, I would never lie. You two enjoy your popular culture if that's what amuses you. I'll stick to my real music. She pops in her headphones.
Emerald: Oh yeah? What's your story, pussy cat?
Hinesly: I oversee Hinesly's service industries! Hotels, spas, things of that nature. Serious business.
Emerald: Never heard of 'em. Emerald smirks a bit. Clearly you haven't gotten around to the Zacherle system yet.
Hinesly: She smiles. And what hotels do you know?
Emerald has to think about that one. Lots of fancy ones in Manehattan... but... no way.
Hinesly: Yes, a good 80% of the hotels in Manehattan are ours. It's all different chains, but all roads lead to Rome. ... I wonder what Rome is. Nevertheless.
Emerald: Whoa.
Tilly: I've heard about Hinesly's Service Industries. Not as great a business as Alejandro Enterprises, I'm sure we all agree, but still, profit makes the universe go round, and so it's always good to have some businesspeople here at VibeCity!
Hinesly: Hinesly pulls a face like she's chewing on something. Quite. Tilly, I should like to have a word with you about just that, when you're available.
Tilly: Oh yes? I do always hope to be of assistance
Herder: Maker grant me strength, now we’ve got CEOs crawling out of the woodwork
Blowing this whole station up is looking more and more tempting…
Tilly: I daresay any CEO has contributed much more of worth to the world than yourself, Commander! If that is even a rank you truly hold! I would say, however, that you could have an illustrious career in the Venusian Space Corps ahead of you, if only you would be prepared to change your outlook a little.
Hinesly: Just on time, a waiter arrives with a small, pink cake that she ordered earlier. It's decorated with a kitty-face emoji in icing. 🐱 You and I both understand the ideals of business. Hinesly takes the knife and cut a couple of slices. Plates one. Passes it to Tilly.
Tilly: Why thank you
Hinesly: Of course. We all get a slice. With a healthy market, the size of the... she loses track of the metaphor ... I suppose, the cake expands? And your slice increases. In size.
Tilly: Yes, that's just so true! The market makes us all richer! Apart from those who lack ambition and a work ethic!
Herder: If it wasn’t for me you’d be a handful of purple badly dressed ash floating through the cosmos because the CYBORG CHINCHILLAS WOULD HAVE OBLITERATED THE ENTIRE GALAXY!
Tilly: Wow so cool, maybe save it for the CV, yeah?
Herder: Hahahahahaha you really think you can sway me???
Hinesly: Yes, and... She gestures at the cake vaguely. Look, I'm doing the bit from Godfather 2. If Hinesly opens one hotel in Vibe City, a good 80% of our customers will also become your customers. Perhaps more polite clientele than this... She regards Herder. ... specimen.
Tilly: Oh, I see! You want planning permission! I'm soooo sorry, though, Lady Hinesly - we already have excellent three star accommodation here in VibeCity. The snooze-pods are not to be missed! Snooze-Pod Beta is painted in gorgeous hot pink, and Snooze-Pod Gamma has interiors in blue, the primary imperial colour!
Hinesly: And you do realise, of course, that the star system goes up to five.
Tilly: I thought there were hundreds of stars in the local star system? Perhaps I need to brush up on my cosmology!
Herder: Go take a hike you poor excuse for a feline, I’m a magnificent specimen
Hinesly: Playing the fool. Very well. She grips Tilly in a firm, businesslike handshake.
Perhaps we can discuss this again at a later time. Have a good day. She faceplants into her slice of cake and eats noisily.
Tilly: Great talk!
Clarence suddenly appears and makes a b-line towards Hinesly. He looks very desperate. Hello, I'm Clarence Monroe, P.I., do you need a P.I. in a case that you'd pay approximately £2800 for? He hands out a business card.
Hinesly looks up. There is a bit of cake on her nose. There is a lot of cake on the rest of her face. She beckons Clarence closer. In hushed tones: Charmed, I'm sure. I will pay you £2800 if you identify for me the person or object Tilly cares most for in all of Vibe City.
Clarence: Oh, well that's easy! He pulls out a notebook and flicks to a page he's written on her. He turns it to himself, but you may be able to catch a glimpse of the words "FUCKING JERKASS"
She has a major obsession with the Great Sweat, bordering on stalker-ish if I'm being honest. She also seems to be developing romantic feelings for a blonde woman in a rainbow jacket who simply calls herself "The Doctor" so she could be a candidate, but of course they only met yesterday so... Do I get the money now?
Hinesly: Yeah, yeah, sure. She retrieves her purse - also shaped like a cat emoji 🐱 - and counts out notes and coins to precisely £2799.99. But tell me: where might one find this, "Great Sweat"?
Clarence: he grabs the money .... Fuck. I don't know, a sauna? He's kind of a leader here so you can probably just Google it. Also, I asked for £2800, where's the last penny?
Emerald throws him a bit with her magic. You're welcome.
Hinesly: Tax.
Clarence: That's not how tax works. He flicks to a page and makes a noteThank you, Emerald.
Hinesly: Wouldn't know, never paid any myself. She makes the mental note. A mysterious Doctor... a Doctor of what, exactly? She sensed, for some reason, that this had been done to death.
In any event, she would have to look into this Doctor and the Great Sweat... but she again sensed, for some reason... that it would make more sense to hold off on that until Sunday... then to Emerald, Tch. Handouts. Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Can't be having that.
Clarence: I'm not eating my money, so I don't see the problem here.
Emerald: What you call handouts, I call generosity.
Clarence: "Pleasure" doing business with you, Lady Hinesly. He leaves with his well-earned dosh from being nosy
Hinesly: Please, I've just had a lot of cake. Don't make me throw up.
Emerald: That sounds like a you problem, pussy cat. Not a me problem. She goes back to strumming her guitar without a care in the world.
Hinesly rolls her eyes and takes her leave for now.
Piglet: Why, I wonder where she got that cake!
Emerald looks around for any sign of a hyperactive pink earth pony. Who knows? Maybe somepony just sprung it out of thin air.
Tilly: Cake available in VibeCity Confectionary! Only two credits a slice!
Piglet: Oh!! Well, I would like some of that pink cake too, please 🙂
Tilly: No problem! ...You do have two work credits, right?
Piglet: Well, no… could I have those? 🙂
Tilly: No problem! I can loan you the two credits, and you can pay them back later! APR is 154%, but there's no need to worry about that now.
Piglet: Why, thank you! That’s very nice of you 🙂
Tilly: Glad to be of service! If you ever want to take out some more loans, just let me know, and I'm sure it can be arranged! Here's your cake!
Emerald stands up and advances on Tilly, her green eyes filled with fire. How dare you.
Tilly: Why hello, Emerald! So great to see you! Would you like some cake, too?
Piglet: mouth full it’s very good!
Tilly: I'm so glad!!
Emerald: No. While I like sweets as much as anypony, I've got a hankering for something else. She lights her horn. You just put an innocent child in debt, when you know as well as I do he doesn't get how money works. He's too young.
So I'm gonna ask you politely, friend. Forgive that debt. Right now. Or I'll see what sonomancy can do to your brain. Doesn't that sound like fun?
Herder: Cocks impractical large space gun and points it at Tilly Seconded.
Tilly: I'm so sorry, Emerald, but Piglet made a legally binding verbal agreement... there's nothing I can do about it now, it's out of my hands! I'm just the intermediary! It's all a financial agreement between Piglet and Alejandro Enterprises! I so wish I could forgive the debt, but it just can't be done! The system is the system!
Herder: We need to burn it all down Emerald. BURN. IT. ALL. DOWN.
Tilly: However, if you wanted to repay it for him, that would be acceptable... I could loan you out the relevant amount to repay the debt, at only 185% APR! A very favourable rate!
Emerald: Zero's better. Do they do haggling on this planet?
Tilly: I'm afraid haggling isn't really doable when the company sets all prices and repayment rates! So sorry!
Emerald: How about if the commander and I put you out of a job? It'd just take one little pulse of magic from me, and this place lights up like a royal birthday cake. We'd rescue the others first, of course... then you can tell your Great Sweat exactly how bad at your job you are. Then you're his problem.
Tilly: Wow, so cool, but unfortunately, VibeCity is a magic-free zone! There's a force field surrounding the entire space port, inhibiting any and all forms of magic, so it simply won't work! What a shame! Never mind!
Emerald: You're lucky we're all just hanging around right now, girlfriend. But when the new week starts... watch out.
Herder: It’s a good thing I don’t use magic then isn’t it? Throws a towel at Tilly’s face
Tilly: So fun! But don't call me "girlfriend", it makes me want to question some of my most strongly-held beliefs, and we wouldn't want that! Ow!
Herder: I finally wiped that horrible smirk off your face and all it took was a novelty rag with sweaty’s face on it
Emerald: I hate capitalism. She bends down to whisper in Piglet's ear. Kiddo, you want to buy anything else from now on, ask me, and I'll front ya the bits. No charge, no loans, none of that. Just friendship.
Tilly, to Herder: Actually, I love Sweaty - I mean, The Great Sweat - so you haven't phased me! It just took me by surprise, right when I was thinking about... something else...
Piglet, to Emerald: Oh, thank you! That’s wonderful! I’m glad to have a friend like you 🙂 Do you want some cake? It is a very big slice, and I’m a very small Piglet.
Emerald: I'd love some. Emerald brings over forks for both of them and hands him one, smiling. You take one end, I'll take the other, and we meet in the middle?
Tilly: You could have your own slice, if you like! Only three credits!
Emerald: Oh, if only my cone of silence spell worked...
Kyla: tries to lift up an object again with space magic. It doesn't work ...must have been a force field outage earlier. Damn.
Emerald wiggles her fingers. Thank goodness we evolved hands generations back... if we still had four legs, I'd be bucked.
Kyla, to Piglet: I appreciate the offer, but I have to keep my strict diet for my government violence job drinks protein shake it looks delicious though. Not complaining though, love a good protein shake! Today's flavor is.... checks label...chalk.
Emerald: Chalk?! You drink chalk-flavored protein shakes around here?! That's disgusting!
Kyla: Oh it's a different flavor every day. Yesterday was freshly mown lawn!
Emerald looks, if possible, even more disgusted. Okay, two things. 1, only desperate ponies eat grass. 2, fertilizer can kill you.
When we get out of here and I take you and Emz with me to Equestria, the first thing we're doing is going to Sugarcube Corner for your "Welcome Friendly Aliens" Party. Then you're gonna have some real food.
Piglet: Kyla, have you ever had a haycorn?
Kyla: I haven't, what is it?
Tilly: Only 4 credits!
Piglet: They’re my favourite food! They’re round and brown and have little hats! And if you plant them in the ground they can grow into a big tree that makes more haycorns! It’s like magic, that something so big can be inside something so small 🙂Anyway they taste a bit like the ground, but good!
Kyla: ...you can grow more? Without cloning tubes? Incredible!
Tilly: So true bestie! But remember, trees are outlawed in the Venusian Empire without special dispensation from The Great Sweat's office, because they undermine the free market by providing oxygen for free!
Emerald: You people charge to breathe? Unbelievable...
Hinesly: A ball of wool rolls into the room. Lady Hinesly pounces on it. Then stands, recomposes herself. Solid idea. I might try something similar with my own hotels.
Kyla: Well of course. We always make sure to pay for our air. Otherwise we wouldn't be able to breathe!
Emerald: Where I come from, air is given freely to everypony, no bits needed.
Tilly: That's soooo weird! Undeveloped cultures are so strange!
Kyla: I'm pretty sure because I do violence for the state I get a discount though...
Piglet: Oh! Well, I don’t need to breathe 🙂 I mean, it’s fun sometimes, like when you need to blow up a balloon
Tilly: You sure do! The Great Sweat loves to take good care of all his imperial subjects who make strong contributions to The Great Mission!
Hinesly, to Emerald: More handouts... Give a fish air for a day, it'll breathe for a day. Teach a fish to breathe, you've ruined Lovecraft's whole life.
Piglet: That’s a relief! I’ve already paid for the cake, after all
Tilly: Wow, you have a no-breathing power? Have you registered that power under the Registration of Abnormal Powers Act?
...You are an organic life form, yes? If not, it will affect your rights going forward and in retrospect!
Piglet: I don’t know about that! I’m just Piglet 🙂
Kyla: I-I'm sure Piglet is fine. He's just a little guy.
Tilly: Is that a species name or an individual designation?
Kyla: He's just a normal piglet. An innocent piglet.
Piglet, to Tilly: Oh, both, I think!
Tilly, to Kyla: That's so true! But unfortunately, the system doesn't account for "little guys"! So we'll have to figure out his true designation in order to ascertain his rights and taxable status!
Piglet: Like my friend Tigger is Tigger but there are other tiggers elsewhere! … he thinks
Tilly: Ah, ok! Well, I don't have "Piglet" written down on my list of species designations, so I will put you down as "non-organic life form"! Please note that you will lose certain organic privileges, such as bathroom use and employment equality!
Emerald: Tilly, did we or did we not learn a lesson about hurting Piglet while an easily annoyed unicorn is in the room?
Hinesly: He looks very puntable.
Tilly: Hey Emerald, I'm sure you wouldn't want me to have to change your official status designation too!
Kyla: Lady Hinesly, do not under any circumstances punt Piglet. Also when you have a moment sigh I have something for you.
Hinesly: But of course.
Emerald, to Tilly: Oh, you're probably right. I'm just saying... look out for number one.
Tilly: Very good advice that you might do well to keep in mind yourself! <3
Emerald: Oh, I will. Until the right moment.
Kyla: Goes back to her place, comes back with a giant gift basket, a huge boquet of flowers, a jug of catnip, and a greeting card labelled "To: My LOVE Lady Hinesly, From: Your little tentacle-wenticley High Lord Supreme Secondary Governor Verger"
Hinesly: ... Ah! Well! To be fair, this is how everyone should treat me. She gives Kyla a patpat on the shoulder. Thank you, dear.
Kyla: ....there's one more bit.... reluctantly, Kyla-82 sets down a holo-projector, and a choreographer performance of one of Lady Hinesly's favorite songs, performed by all 100 Kyla clones, begins to play. S. Gov. Verger stands there in the middle of it all, an eldritch mass of tentacles and limbs with one big eye. The performance ends ...Her contact info is in the card. Thank you for uh, accepting it.
Hinesly: Lady Hinesly is massaging her temples with one paw. Well. What a... compelling display. The sort of... up-and-down motion with both hands together, and the bucking of the leg... was that song Korean?
Kyla: ....Yes we all had to learn Korean to make it, noona.
Hinesly: Heavens. Well, you all did... quite well. Another little patpat. She turns back around to the bar. Something industrial, please.
Kyla goes over to the side, and types something into the Holoprojector
there is a pause, and then a whole bunch of identical faces that look just like Kyla, but without the scar (but with different hairstyles) all appear, crowded around their own Holoprojector
74 (tight braids): 82!!! We were worried about things. How did everything go?
21 (pigtails): I mean, psh, I wasn't worried. I just called because I wanted to.
10 (french braid): Oh hush.
85 (pony tail): But really, how did it go?
Kyla-82: sighs About as well as we expected honestly.
There is a rolling chorus of noises of disappointment.
10: ...well that's too bad. We'll try to ease mom onto that news gently.
K82: Appreciate it.
74: Are you eating well? You haven't only been lifting have you? We told you to have fun!
21: I mean, I didn't, but like, if you have fun, I guess it wouldn't be the worst.
K82: I'm fine, I even made friends. One is a piglet, one is a zombie cyborg, and the other is a horse with a horn.
10: GUYS DID YOU HEAR THAT? 82 MADE A FRIEND!!!!
there is some cheering
K82: ...ending the call now.
85: Take care of yourself 82! We love you!
K82: I mean, you said it first. Ugh. Well... uh.... mumbles love you too. ends call
Emerald: Your sisters sure sound nice. Must be pretty cool, having siblings.
Kyla: ...I guess they're okay, yeah. I mean, I don't dislike them or anything. We all help each other out.
Emerald: Never had sisters myself, or brothers... but I do know it's not a good idea to hide your feelings. So why do you hide yours?
Kyla: I'm not hiding my feelings. I don't know what you're talking about. I'm just legitimately a cool dispassionate Knight of Verger.
Emerald: Passion isn't something to be afraid of. But maybe I'm not the best example, I spent most of school in detention.
Clarence: Yeah Says Clarence, having apparently been listening for a while, don't hide your passions, kid. You're still allowed to be severely miserable about having never achieved anything, just be open about it.
Thirteen, to Tilly: The systems aren’t the problem… but people like you, who abuse the system to exploit an innocent piglet, are the problem.
Tilly: Hey wait what! You seem like a bit of a Miserable Mandy today! You alright?
Thirteen: scans Piglet with her sonic screwdriver. He’s an organic lifeform. He’s just confused, bless him.
Tilly: Ah ok, well, we'll have to process this error through the relevant channels! That'll take 2-5 business weeks!
Thirteen: Tilly, I thought you were someone like me who sorts out fair play throughout the universe, by making sure everyone sticks to the rules in the Venusian Empire. But now, I’m not so sure.
Emerald: She's a tyrant, Doc! Do something impressive! Stop her before she can hurt anyone else!
Clarence: Yeah, she's a bastard! She put me in debt this morning!
Tilly: Hey you guys, I just looooove all our chats, but things are getting a bit personal now, haha! I'm surprised at you, Doctor! I thought we had so much in common... I just hope you feel differently once you've had some time to reflect :)
Kyla: I must admit I am also displeased with you Tilly, creating such bad vibes by your treatment of Piglet shakes head
Clarence: And me
Tilly: Hey Kyla, you should know that good vibes rely upon effective administration! If Piglet wants to contribute to our excellent Vibes, he needs to either provide accurate personal information, or simply stop being a non-organic lifeform! With all due respect, Clarry, someone as poor as you at maintaining their personal finances isn't exactly in a position to judge the actions of others! Hahaha! Lol!
Thirteen: He ISNT a non-organic lifeform!
Clarence: Hey, it's not my fault that the bartender let me rack up ten free drinks!
Emerald: I'm thinkin' this joint is in need of some new management. Who wants to stage an uprising?
Kyla: I can't believe I'm agreeing with the Doctor here when I wear all black and she literally has a rainbow t-shirt, but she has a point.
Thirteen: I don’t approve of uprisings.
Clarence: I mean... uprising? Right now? I'm a bit busy, could we do it next week?
Kyla: What about when it results in the death of an entire species? Is that fine?
Emerald: No time like the present!
Clarence: What about the future though? It'll be like the present eventually
Thirteen, to Kyla: Exactly, that’s why uprisings are bad! They could lead to genocide, which as everyone knows, I disapprove of!
Herder: Did someone say uprising?
Emerald: I sure did!
Kyla: Tilly has treated Piglet unfairly, and created bad vibes here. We're trying to figure out how to deal with it.
Herder: Woooohoooo let’s get this party started! Whips out two massive guns and starts shooting in the air while yelling Uh-huh, you can excuse the rampant fascism and oppression but draw the line at bad vibes, got it. I truly admire your principles
Kyla: Well yes, Piglet is my friend. I can't stand for a friend being given bad vibes. Anyway fascism and oppression are the normal state of being, that's just Tuesday around here and I've never been given a reason to question it!
Emerald: Really? This seems like a pretty solid reason to me.
Herder: Fuck it, if it makes you join the revolution I don’t give a damn, I can unpack all of that later
Emerald: There's millions of Piglets out there, and not all of 'em are small and cute. They all need help, and it's our job to ensure they get it.
Clarence: And what about the 56 credits that I had to bother rich people about all afternoon until I found one that would pay me £2800 which I converted to work credits to pay it off! I am a man more sinned against than sinning, Shakesbear said that once.
Elton: An uprising? Really? Here? I think everyone should just calm down and have a Snickers.
Herder: I’m surrounded by asshats
Emerald: What the buck is a Snickers?
Elton: A chocolate bar I am paid to endorse that’s really really good!
Emerald: I'm getting the feeling that if Pinkie Pie finds out about it, we're all doomed.
Elton: Some shopping at John Lewis is also good for the soul. Best way to stay happy, spend lots and lots of money!
Clarence: If the chocolate's so good, would you eat it?
Elton: * Runs away *
Tilly: Hey gang! Fab news! I've just been on the phone with upper management - you know, the eyes in the sky, haha - and they've kindly and benevolently agreed to reassign Piglet as an Undocumented Organic Life Form!
The extra great part of this is that, for the duration of the investigation into Piglet's species and planet of origin, he has been granted the full civil rights of a documented superior organic life form! This is very unusual and therefore extremely exciting - usually the Undocumenteds only get basic provisional rights, but under the circumstances, Piglet has been granted full citizenship rights, and a daily allowance of five work credits subsistence!
I'm sure that will satisfy everyone's complaints as a highly reasonable concession! YAY!
Praise be to The Great Sweat!
...Side-note, just by-the-by, any further revolutionary activity will be punishable by death or hard labour. 🤣 🥰
Emerald: Well, look at that. We gave peace a chance. Works for me.
Herder: Don’t threaten me with a good time. Slowly puts on sunglasses Peace was never an option
Emerald: Oh, don't get me wrong, Commander: we're still gonna have our rebellion. But as another friend of mine would say, all things in good time.
Herder: When will it be time Emerald?!?
Emerald shrugs. How should I know? Gem always had a better sense of time than me.
Hinesly: That's not very Mass Effect of you.
Herder: I have a perfectly good laser guillotine collecting dust over here
Hinesly: Does it collect dust on the laser? How does that work? I suppose the rest of it could collect dust.
Herder: I’m going to have a Massive Effect on your life prospects if you don’t put a sock in it Pussy Galore
Hinesly: I don't think you get to use Pussy Galore. You are also a cat.
Herder: Very observant of you.
Hinesly: Thank you, darling. smiling widely
Clarence: Why are we referencing James Pond movies now?
Hinesly: I'm more of an Alan Douglas woman myself.
Clarence: I have no idea who that guy is.
Hinesly: waves him away Spy novels. Don't worry your little head, darling.
Thirteen, to Tilly: Thank you Tilly, I knew you’d come round! Piglet, look! You can buy two slices of cake, or one haycorn, per day!
Hinesly eyeballs the Doctor in recognition. I don't believe we've met! Lady Hinesly of the Hinesly Multigalactic Conglomerate. Extends a paw. Charmed, I'm sure.
Thirteen, to Emerald: Yay peace! I told you that sitting down and talking would help.
Emerald: And other times, you rainbow laser them into submission.
Clarence: Piglet can also buy ten bottles of non-descript alcoholic beverage if they're legally able to.
Thirteen: I do like rainbows! to Hinesly Hello! I’m the Doctor. (so iconic.) Pleased to meet you. I’ve met a few cat people in my time.
Herder: Poor things
Hinesly: And in my time, I've met a few... She slides her grip down to her wrist to take her pulse. ... people with high cholesterol?
Thirteen: Excuse me, this level of cholesterol is normal for people with my biology!
Tilly: Nothing wrong with the Doctor's cholesterol! I body-scanned her, and she's completely healthy! 🤗
Hinesly: And what biology is that?
Emerald: I prefer to keep that private for now.
Hinesly: She retracts her hand. Very well. But maybe stop frying things in butter. We wouldn't want you to die of that blood pressure. airily Or anything else.
Elton: I was a cat once.
Clarence: My last neighbor was a cat. I think they were in a cult or something, they kept talking about this guy they had to perform for, "Old Deuteronomy"