The Lost Art of Conversation
Kyla: Being happy is overrated. So if you go, maybe I should give with you just in case things go badly. Not because like, I want to go or anything. I'm just saying it might be handy to have someone who can pass as human on Earth if you HAVE to go there.
Emz: You would… come with me?
Kyla: I mean, sure. It's just a whim of mine so don't think too deeply about that I'm committing to a massive interstellar trip or whatever. But yeah, sure I'd go with you. Why not? Why shouldn't I go to Disneyland with you? has stood up and is basically giving themselves a monologue at the end
Piglet: Oh, d-d-d-disneyland! I don’t know why, but that sounds so familiar!
Emz: Emz smiles in a way that makes it clear she has not smiled very many times before
Kyla: Disney also sounds familiar to me for some reason... like I heard it long ago in another life… Her face goes red when she sees Emz smile and so she swiftly turns around, spinning her black cape and making a big gesture to avoid being honest with 1 feeling.
Emz: whispers to Piglet Is a spinny cape meant to make me feel things?
Piglet: Oh, well, it can make you feel very brave and strong, like a superhero! Clothes can be very important, especially when playing pretend.
Emz: I only have my uniform… Perhaps I need new clothes. It seems you all like to wear just one colour? You wear pink, Kyla wears black, sexy Meglos wears green. What colour should I pick?
Piglet: Oh! Well, I wouldn’t know anything about that - I was just stuffed this way! But maybe you could try out a few different things, and see what makes you happy?
Emerald: Good advice, Piglet! My friend Rarity would love you!
Piglet: Oh, th-th-thank you!
Emerald: You’re welcome! Emerald sits down beside him, idly sipping some more coffee. So this wood of yours… what’s it like?
Piglet: Oh, well, it’s really quite big! There’s tigger’s house, and rabbit’s and owl’s, and kanga and roo’s, and Pooh’s and mine too! And Pooh corner where we all helped build a place for eeyore, though I think he might be looking for a new house soon. He keeps losing track of it! And the river where we play Pooh sticks, and the North Pole!
Emerald: That sounds beautiful! And probably more relaxing than Ponyville… maybe I should move there.
Piglet: Oh, you should come and visit! We can have a party! … if I ever find my way back there.
Emerald: I’m sure you will, one way or the other!
Piglet: Oh, I do hope so! I miss my friends. They must be so worried about me! Once I got lost during a storm and they all almost fell off a cliff! I hope they’re alright now that I’m not there to help them!
Emerald: Not everywhere has managed weather? Weird…
Piglet: Oh no, storms are Very Serious Business
Emerald: Wild storms definitely are, I’ve seen a few of ‘em.
Pchib: Did any of them actually fall off the cliff? Maybe I could write a moving drama about a woman who finds her son after it appears he was dumped off the top of one because someone killed him. Perhaps one of the cops who investigates is sleeping with the killer the whole time! Maybe years later the bereaved mother can be replaced by the other cop on a different series I work on. So many possibilities!
Widechapel written and created by The Mighty Pchib
Emerald: You’re a real messed up son of a manticore, dude. Pardon my Ponish.
Piglet: Well, Pooh almost fell, but I saved him! I’m glad. He’s my best friend!
Emerald: Twilight was like that for me, when I met her. Then we started dating, and then one day she got wings, and we had to break up...
Pchib: If Winnie the Pooh is your best friend, why don’t you have “WWWTPD” written on the palm of your hand?
Piglet: What’s wiwiputid? I’m sorry, there’s a lot of things I don’t know! You should talk to owl. He’s much smarter than me! He has all these Books. I only really have my scrapbook but I think it’s very good.
Pchib: What Would Winnie the Pooh Do?
Kim: Oh, that’s easy! Eat hunny, I think
Emerald: Sounds like Owl and Twilight would get along splendidly, she used to live in a library treehouse!
Piglet: That sounds just like owl’s house! You’re right, I think they would be very good friends! Maybe twilight could be owl’s best friend! He doesn’t have a best friend yet - everyone should have a best friend, I think.
Emerald: Sparks had several of them already, they get called in to save the realm every few months. Now she’s the princess of friendship, and making friends is her entire job.
Piglet: Oh, my! She must be so good at that! That’s such a hard job! I don’t think I could do it, I’m too shy to be that good at making friends. But I am good at being a friend, which is also important, I think!
Emerald: Emerald smiles sadly. Yeah… she’s the best in the country. You’d like Fluttershy, Piglet. She’s very shy too, like you are, but only around other ponies. With wild animals, she opens right up!
Piglet: Oh, yes, that sounds like me! Do you have squirrels where you come from? They don’t talk or anything like that, but they’re so friendly! I like to spend time with them, sometimes we share our haycorns.
Emerald: Yeah, we have squirrels! And birds, lions, tigers, and bears, just to name a few.
Piglet: Oh my, you have bears? Do you think any of them know Pooh?
Emerald: Emerald thinks. Harry might, actually… he’s very sociable.
Elton John: 🎶 Back to the howling old owl in the woods
Hunting the horny back toad
Oh, I've finally decided my future lies
Beyond the yellow brick road 🎶
Anyway, I have a bone to pick with the security robots in this place. I was going to the VIP lounge, to relax and chill before tonight’s set, when I was stopped by the robots, asking who I was, and where I was going. I said to them, “I’m Elton John, my residency poster is literally on the door of the concert hall and stood next to it to show them I was telling the truth. Being jobsworths, they still demanded to see ID.
I spent the entire morning in a holding cell. Apparently, nobody knows who the fuck “Reginald Dwight” is.
Pchib: How long did you expect to be held there? I think it’s gonna be a long long time.
Emerald: From the name alone, I'd guess one of Canterlot's upper crustiest nobles?
Clarence: Sorry, sir, are we meant to know who you are?
Emerald: Emerald has taken off her jacket so she can use it as a blanket for Piglet. So, Elton... how'd you get into the music biz?
Emz: I have been shopping in Space Port VibeCity, and have found items of clothing that are the favourite colours of my friends. I have a black hat for Kyla, a pink scarf for Piglet, and a green skirt for Sexy Meglos.
Emerald: Lookin' good, Emz!
Kyla: flustered W-well of course a hat picked out from my impeccable taste would look good on you, thats only logical it would look good. As well as honorary Knight of Verger Piglet, that also would obviously look good so looks away blushing ...I guess you look really good yeah.
Emz: Y- you’re really pretty too. Emz smiles, this one looks a little more natural than the last one.
Kyla: has never been called pretty before. makes a series of almost-speaking noises as she is completely out of sorts about what to say back to that lol
Piglet: Oh, what a lovely scarf! It’s good to have a good scarf - I never go anywhere without mine in the winter! Does it make you feel warm and comfy? A good scarf should always be warm!
Emz: It makes me feel very warm, like when I think about my friend Piglet.
Piglet: Ohh! Ha-ha! That’s so nice of you.
Emerald: Psst! Kyla! Kiss her on the cheek!
Kyla: Wh-what? Wh-wh-why would I um....
Emerald: Trust me on this! It'll work!
Kyla: But i thought kisses are only for if you change sides after fighting your rival you have romantic feelings for in combat for years only to see them killed and then use space magic to trade your own life for theirs and then they kiss you and you fall over dead, right??
Emerald: No, it just tells somepony you like them a lot.
Piglet: D-does that… happen often?
Emz: Many poor quality writers make use of this narrative crutch, but it is no match for a well developed romantic arc.
Pchib: Did somebody request a well developed romantic arc? Say no more!
Elton John: Are you ready- Are you ready for love?
Kyla: My mom said it does and said that's why she didn't have to give us something called "the talk" as long as we only kissed people in that circumstance. I don't entirely get it...
Herder: Out of nowhere, epic music starts blaring, a smoke machine pops into existence and starts spewing fumes, and out of the haze stomps a battle-worn armoured cat with a hell of an attitude.
Cracks knuckles Listen up you miserable bunch, who's in charge around here?
Pchib: Welcome Commander! I can only wonder how you got such an epic piece of music. But do you not think you should tone it down? If you can hum the tune it is too much. I can call my good friend Surgeon Akinator to give you something more subtle.
Emerald: Well, look what the cat dragged in. I'm gonna need more coffee.
Herder: Cocks rifle Want to say that again Pinkie Pie?
Kyla: ignites laser sword, don't threaten my friends, commander.
Emerald: Emerald raises an eyebrow. What are you, an Abyssinian? You look like the type, all smarm and cockiness.
Pchib: Commander Herder’s Delightful Music of Increasing Subtlety amid the Massive Effectiveness by Underscoring Rather Than Overscoring the Events Depicted
Written by The Mighty Pchib
Piglet: WHOA! Is that a - a - g-g-gun?? That’s DANGEROUS!
Clarence: mutters Doesn't Kyla have a sword?
Piglet: A sword?? But that doesn’t look like tinfoil!
Pchib: Only idiots use guns, I declare as I stand upon my soapbox to write my next story.
Emz: Stands behind Kyla, looking as threatening as someone wearing a hot pink scarf can
Elton John: MONDAY AFTERNOON’S ALRIGHT FOR FIGHTIN’
Herder: Sorry wrong dialogue option.
Kyla: ...wh ....what does that.... sure okay.
Clarence: Let's calm down, we wouldn't want anyone to die here now, would we?
Herder: Speak for yourself.
Elton John: I dunno, another release of Candle in the Wind always pays the bills
Emz: Death is not the end
Kyla: Yes, I hear if we die we live on in the eternal space magic... or as a computer generated puppet that mimics our movements in horrifying parody of our previous existence, but honestly either would be fine if I have to die immediately after getting kissed so it's a win win.
Herder: Of course it's not, unless you really fuck up a playthrough
Pchib: If someone does die, I can write them an obituary.
Clarence: I don't like any of these answers.
Kyla: turns off sword ...I do feel a strange conraderie with you Commander, like we both exist from losing a license to use a space IP...
Herder: I feel it too, a strange sense of kinship... Don't worry, I'm only here to kill CEOS, tyrants, Cyborg Chinchillas and the rich.
Elton John: Fuck.
Emz: I am glad I am not a chincilla.
Pchib: I wrote about someone who repeatedly fucks their victims to death, so if that’s your chosen method of execution I’m sure we can arrange something.
Emerald: Need anyone who can cast various kinds of sonic magic? I don't have a bass cannon though. That's Vinyl's department.
Herder: Nah I’m good for now. Maybe once we’ve had an arbitrary amount of dialogue I’ll change my mind though
Emz: Oh, I was talking about being reborn as a cyborg zombie
Herder: Cyborg zombie? Wow we have something in common
Pchib: The previous holder of my role treated death cheaply. I’ve made it matter. People can blow up themselves in place of the protagonist multiple times without her being challenged for it when I’m around!!
Kyla: Wait really? How does that happen? Are you a cyborg zombie then?
Herder: My entire ship exploded and I asphyxiated in the vacuum of space but an evil corporation rebuilt me from the ground up with implanted experimental tech
PChib: I should have a cyborg zombie fight a cg dinosaur in my next screenplay…
Kyla: That sounds like a great idea as long as you get the costume right!
Elton John: Get some gnomes in it and I’ll write the music.
Kyla: How many people here are cyborg zombies is that fairly common?
Emerald: I am neither a cyborg nor a zombie, but I'm pretty sure one of my alternate counterparts was the engineering chief on a starship.
Pchib: The budget for the wardrobe might be lacking after the cg dino, but we will see.
Herder: None of you have answered my question: who’s in charge here? I need to know who to snark at and punch while they’re talking at me.
Kyla: Our glorious Emperor(s?) Obviously!
Herder: Spits on the floor
Emz: Alejandro Enterprises sets protocols.
Emerald: points at Elton Him!
Elton: I’m not yet actually, but if the positions open, I’ll go for it. I Just Can’t Wait to Be King.
Herder: Swaggers up to you I don’t like your face goggles
Elton: Get back, cat
Emerald: To where he once belonged?
Elton: Better get back to the woods
Herder: You’d better get back to the pitch black room you clearly got dressed in.
Elton: Someone will need to save your life tonight Commander
Emz: I am Emz: Enhanced Meta Zombie. I am an artificial consciousness implanted in a surplus body.
Kyla: I guess thats true... you're just an artificial consciousness in a surplus body. You dont belong in this world. But you aren't surplus, not to me. I think you belong here.
Emz: Emz blushes the same shade as her scarf, then quickly leans forward and pecks Kyla on the cheek
Pchib: NO KISSES, KEEP IT SUBTLE
Emerald: Oh buck you, four-eyes! Kiss her face off, Emz!
Kyla: Oh! Th-thank you... Turns bright red, and then waits for death
Herder: Subtle? Oh you mean like an awkwardly rendered sex scene where people cuddle on the bed in their underwear before it fades to black?
Pchib: I mean like you mention it right before the character's arc ends and let twitter disciples read it back into scenes where it wasn't but you totally planned it anyway.
Elton: Hold Emz Closer, Tiny Kyla
Kyla: ...um.... what's "sex" is it some kind of jehd-hi ritual? Or like a cake?
Pchib: I know what sex is, it's a type of gas that can possess someone. [writes down story idea]
Emerald: Beats me. Twilight's idea of sex was if I read Daring Do books to her in a sensual tone of voice.
Kyla: So... if I read to someone that's sex?
Elton: Not if you read one of Pchib’s scripts
Emerald: Emerald shrugs. It is if your date's the town librarian.
Kyla: nods having a new completely wrong understanding of the world
Emz: Do you want to have sex?
Clarence: Clarence covers Piglet's ears so they don't hear a definition
Kyla: I'm good at reading to people so sure if you'd like!
Herder: Good merciful maker, I’m surrounded by PG characters
Clarence: I'm not PG.
Kyla: Oh, I'm PG-13 but only for violence
Pchib: "Once upon time there was a timeless child. How did they live without time in a world called time? Nobody knows because this is all wanky bs that would fit better with nineties edginess than modern relevant television. What a time to be alive. Monuments to the ghosts, spiders in Brittanica, and a big game of kerplunk played in Indian Demon Mode before it gets took away. Time has it all 100 years before the eve of legend." This short story was written by The Mighty Pchib, copyright reserved.
Emerald: I got two words for you, kitty cat: Cup. Cakes.
Herder: Well done, you can say words beginning with C.
Emerald: I can say other words too, but Piglet's here, so I won't.
Pchib: Lots of good things alliterate C. C. or so I'm told.
Clarence: Like Cold Case!
Herder: Oh you mean like Contrived Cliche Childish Clown?
Pchib: That's four Cs, I wanted two! Learn to count commander!
Kyla: I thought you'd like having four of something when two worked better?
Herder: Alright, Condescending Cu— Coughs
Kyla: Gesundheit
Herder: Appreciated Kyla, it’s the old cybernetic implants playing up, you know how it is
Emerald: Emerald smirks. Cat got your tongue, Commander?
Herder: I’ve not met Lady Hinsley yet, haven’t decided on my romance route.
Kyla: My mom's mom was a legendary space Warrior who had to replace most of her body with cybernetics, I've always idolized her, but i never considered it had some downsides to looking that cool...
Herder: Oh yes, always wreaks havoc on the respiratory system
Kyla: ...that would explain the super cool helmet she always wore. ...
Herder: Oh I have a cool helmet! I don’t like to wear it though because I like seeing my beautiful face in cutscenes
Kyla: ...is a cutscene like a mirror? thinks wait I haven't died yet?
Emz: No, you still need to read me a story.
Kyla: Oh, okay, have you ever heard the story of Darth Plaguis the wise?
Emz: No, I haven't heard many stories. I'm sure it will be good if you're telling it though
Kyla: pulls a book out of her bag, i thought not, its not a story the jehd'hi would tell you... okay well just let me know when you're ready to have sex and I'll get started.
Herder: I should go.
Shit I didn’t mean to select that option
Cracks knuckles Listen up you miserable bunch, who's in charge around here?
Fuck
Now I have to start the dialogue all over again
Clarence: I don't think anyone's in charge around here
Emerald: Elton's been here longest, so he's my vote!
Elton: My albums after about 1983 🤝 Commander Herder’s dialogue
Needing a skip button
Clarence: I don't want Elton John to be the boss of me. I'm half certain he's been using a fake name.
Herder: Cocks rifle Want to say that again Pinkie— Sorry wro— Don't worry, I'm only here to ki—
Emerald: Emerald thwaps the Commander on the back to get him to reboot.
Herder: I should go I should go I should go I should go
Emerald: Oh bucking Tartarus, I broke him.
Elton: Don’t go breaking the commander!
Kyla; Maybe I should try doing some calibrations?
Clarence: I've heard about this on the Today Show with Terrance the Giraffe, cats only do this if they're really stressed
Emerald: Where's that Doctor chick when you need her? Bet she could fix it with that sonic probe thingy.
Pchib: That’s a handwavy conclusion to things, I’m down with it.
Herder: Did someone say calibrations? You know I had a friend who loved calibrations.
Clarence: I've seen no evidence that she's a real doctor, let alone a vet. Hell, I've seen no evidence that she has a name, she says "Doctor", but Doctor Who exactly?
Elton: Thirteen had trouble with her copy of mass effect on her PS5, so she put it into her PS4 to see if it would work. It didn’t, was still covered in bugs and glitches. Turns out the system wasn’t the problem.
Pchib: Imagine if my protagonist was able to calibrate by just holding her nose a certain way. (Iconic)
Emerald: Maybe she's related to Doctor Hooves? Would explain the hair, since he's dating the town mailmare...
Elton: I’ve been wondering what you call video games these days actually. Pchib might know.
Pchibs: Video games? Nobody calls them that anymore, old man!!
Elton: But what do you call them?
Emz: I'm ready!
Kyla: Alright! sits down next to her chapter 1, the rise of the space magic warriors... the story isn't as good as Kyla-82 thinks it is, but her enthusiasm for it clearly bleeds through and she is enjoying sharing it with you. She makes the laser sword sound effects herself at times lol
Emz: Emz listens intently, and watches Kyla the entire time. She is especially entranced by the laser sword sound effects
Clarence: Listens, confused as to what the significance of this "Jhar Jhar" guy is, unless... He makes a note that they may have been the villain the whole time!
Elton: And surely if there’s not a name for them already, the modern Shakespeare himself will be able to come up with one.
Emerald: Emerald appears lost in thought, remembering days gone by snuggling in bed with a purple unicorn...
Pchib: I’m far too busy to worry about what people do in a round of Superfluous Marriage Brothels, let alone what they call it. I have a script due tomorrow that I haven’t started yet.
Kyla: ”...and then she kissed him, and he fell over dead rather suddenly. Then we briefly see a gay couple kiss before cutting to a slug, but it's short enough we can cut it for the international market. The end!"
Pchib: Was the slug reacting to it?
Kyla: Yes I suppose so!
Emerald, dazedly: “Sure Sparks, I'll read you the next one…"
Elton: Hold me closer Baby Yoda
Count the toy sales on the highway
Pchib: The flighty zacrafesh of the unholy hadron collider of ranskooradrenfoe. That name is played totally straight of course. I call him Rank.
Clarence:… why?
Elton: Because he stinks
Pchib: YOU STINK
Emerald: All I can say is, if Pchib read his beau a specscript, she'd be asleep in seconds.
Pchib: Who is Chib? Needs an extra letter in front of it, that's where the real magic happens.
Emerald: Sure, teach a unicorn how magic works. That'll end well for ya.
Pchib: Sci-fi/fantasy doesn't need unicorns. It needs Thijarans and Ux Andino and Kasaavin and Tzim-Sha. Play them all straight and serious.
Emerald: If Yearling were here she'd have a field day with you.
Pchib: Yearling and the Attack Upon the Mighty Pchib at the Space Port of Vibecity for His Locquaciousness of Verbiage
Written by The Mighty Pchib, hopefully not based on a true story.
Clarence: Wait sorry, was that last name you said just “Tim Shaw”? Like, a person name?
Harley: While all this has been going down, Harley has come in to change a lightbulb. They stopped their work briefly to listen to Kyla's story, but didn't seem very impressed. Too much kissing. They kinda seem into Pchib's stories, though.
Pchib: Excellent taste in literature! I consider myself superior to that pretender Russell V Kennedy... and the less said the better about Steven Draculthree.
Emerald: I’m a Snickering Lemons filly myself.
Pchib: How many animals does it take to fix a lightbulb? The Turnlighton Conundrum written by The Mighty Pchib
Harley laughs as if Pchib has made an incredible joke.
Pchib: THE MIGHTY PCHIB WOULD THANK YOU TO USE HIS FULL NAME AND TITLE but also I appreciate the appreciation so I'll allow it.
Harley bows. Pardon me, sir! Didn't mean no disrespect, Mighty Pchib, sir!
Pchib: I have a feeling we're going to get on okay Harley. Harley... Harlz... I'm calling you Harlz because we're friends now.
Harley: Okay, that's... alright. I guess.
Herder: Aha! A fellow cat! Are you a member of the Alliance?
Harley jumps at Commander Herder's voice. Uh. Just here to fix the bulb. Don't want no trouble.
Herder: Easy there, I’m not going to hurt you, just wanted to say hi
Harley: Oh. Don't mind me. I'm part of the furniture. They laugh awkwardly.
Clarence: So, what you're saying is you blend into the background... Maybe hearing important information sometimes?
Harley: What? No. I've never heard anything important in my life, haha. Just here to do my job, sir. They gesture at the lightbulb, which they still haven't been able to fix because certain people keep interrupting
Herder: Mutters NPCs…
Clarence: Ah, right, of course, just here to do your job. He hands Harley a business card Well, I'd there's a case that happens, and you feel like making some extra money, let me know and I'll pay you... One day. I'm meant to be on holiday at the moment but who knows who'll want to give me money to spy on people around here!
Harley: Thanks? I guess if you've got a toilet that needs fixing or something I can help.
Herder: The toilet in my ship needs fixing. It won’t let me use it all I can do is stand there and flush it repeatedly because the developers didn’t bother to animate me taking a dump
Clarence: That sounds like a "you" problem.
Harley: I think you might need a doctor instead, sorry.
Herder: Idle animation plays of the Commander scratching their back with their massive gun. Idle animation plays of the Commander swaying slightly from side to side in place. Idle animation plays of the Commander taking an even larger gun out of an invisible pocket and using it as a tooth pick.
Clarence: watches on with great concern, but the bystander effect is powerful enough that, since he sees no-one doing anything, he also doesn't do anything
Emerald: Maybe put the gun away when trying to make friends? Just a tip.
Herder: The game won’t let me holster it out of combat
Clarence: Can you at least put it in safety mode or something?
Herder: Safety? I don’t know the meaning for the word!
Clarence: Why do you need all these guns here anyway?
Herder: I told you, the rich, the corrupt and Cyborg Chinchillas.
Thirteen: You shouldn't do that! If you kill tyrants / CEOs / chinchillas / the rich, that makes you as bad as them!
Pchib: Preach it! And I’ll write it.
Herder: I don’t care blondie.
Clarence: I think most of those would be taken care of with the shotgun, why do you have a pistol still?
Herder: Because some encounters require a more… precise approach. Also when I run out of ammo I need a backup. Anyway, none of you have answered my question: who’s in charge here?
Tilly: Hi!! That'd be me! I'm your pal Tilly, here to provide customer service and assistance on behalf of The Great Sweat and the whole of the Venusian Empire!
It's so great to meet you! I hope I can help with any problems! I'm just here to be your good pal, and make sure VibeCity keeps vibing along nicely! It's soooooooooo great to be here, I just love it! I'm just here to make sure you have a vibey time, and to make sure nobody fucking criticises the Venusian Empire or The Great Sweat! :D
Herder: Oh great, a propagandist.
Thirteen: Wow, sounds great Tilly! I love good vibes!
Tilly: There's no propaganda here on Space Port VibeCity! Only good vibes, and the true words and wisdom of The Great Sweat!
Herder: Then I’m sure you won’t mind if I point this gun I am physically incapable of holstering outside of specific cutscenes at your face menacingly
Tilly: Hey, Commander Herder, it's soooooo great to meet you! I do hope we're not gonna have a problem, cos I just think we could be SUCH great friends, and it would be such a shame if I had to blast your fucking face in!
Herder: Oh those are fighting words! It’s on you demented air hostess looking tin can!
Tilly: It's soooo great that we're getting along so well that we can chat in such a silly, pally way! But don't forget, insulting any underlings of The Great Sweat can result in death! So fun! There are no centrists here on VibeCity! Only good and happy imperial subjects! :)
Emerald: I’m from out of town, I bow to Celestia and Luna.
Thirteen: What's a centrist? Good vibes are so important!
Herder: Look in the mirror darling, the vapid children’s presenter staring back at you might give you an answer
Tilly: There are no children's presenters here on VibeCity! I'm SO glad The Great Sweat defunded the VBC, so we can vibe without being distracted by silly things like television! SO COOL!
Emerald: What’s television?
Tilly: Who CARES, am I right! Yeah!!!
Herder: My gun’s bigger than yours
Pchib: Don’t blast people’s faces in! Explain to them calmly and reasonably why criticism of the status quo is homophobic / racist / ableist / anti-semitic / etc. instead and then cancel them if they say otherwise.
Tilly: Hey, I just think that philosophy is SO COOL! But don't forget, a laser gun is so much more fun and effective than a cancellation when it comes to suppressing dissent! Have a vibey day!
Emerald: You remind me of Pinkie Pie on her off days, but your vibes say Starlight Glimmer.
Pchib: We can show people where they went wrong by disrupting the flow of a story and giving a sermon, then blast them if they disagree because they abused the perfectly fine system and deserve to die.
Tilly: Yeah so fun! But don't forget, The Great Sweat's AWESOME system can't be abused! It's an infallible system! Remember - the systems aren't the problem, the systems are the solution! #Feminism!
Pchib: I think we’re gonna get along well Tilly.
Tilly: I'm so glad! I just wanna be your pal! Being pals is so much fun!
Thirteen: Wow I love feminism! You go, girlboss!
Tilly: Wow me too! #GirlPower! Feminism is just so cool - did you know that The Great Sweat has two girls in his Imperial Cabinet? And he even has a wife! Love that for us! #Progressive
Kyla: Hail the Great Sweat! Long live the Empire!
Tilly: Yeah, Hail The Great Sweat!!
Herder: Your hat is ugly
Tilly: Hey pal! Here on VibeCity, we don't like to insult each other based on appearance or clothing! Especially when we're sitting in a glass house ourselves and wearing a fuck-ugly space-fighting suit! If you want, I can do your nails for you, and you'll look great and feel great and finally be at peace with the Venusian Empire! Only ten work credits!
Herder: Fuck ugly and proud! Pretty boys don’t last long in my line of work. Though I must say I’ve seen a lot of horrific shit that would drive most people insane at the horror, and nothing has come close on the scale of cosmic abominations to those shoes you’re wearing.
Tilly: Wow, that's so not cool, Herder! I'm so sorry that you've seen horrific stuff out there where the Earth Confederacy has been oppressing and exploiting its people, but lucky for you, you're safe in the Venusian Empire now, so there won't be any more need to worry! You can finally let your soft side out, knowing that The Great Sweat is looking after you!
Emerald: What’s so great about the Great Sweat? Did he ever defend the realm from the forces of chaos?
Tilly: Ohmygod, do you not know about The Great Sweat!? Wowwww, so much cool stuff you need to learn about! Here, check out his TokTiks account, I think it has all the info you need to know! Plus he's so funny and handsome too!
Emerald: Like I said, out of town. Emerald scrolls through the offered tablet, looking thoroughly unimpressed.
Tilly: Watching The Great Sweat's daily streams is my favourite thing to do during my mandated rest breaks! Hey, maybe we could do it together! GIRLBONDINGTIME!
Emerald: What, no gossiping about cute girls and painting our hooves? What gives?
Tilly: Why would we wanna gossip about cute girls when we could chat about The Great Sweat?
Emerald: Because you can’t buck sweat, that’s why.
Tilly: Wow, what a weird thing to say! But don't worry, I have no idea what you're talking about!
Kyla: I love the Great Sweat's TokTiks, me and my sister's would sometimes use the auditorium at the Knights of Verger base to watch them together or have a sleepover in the gymnasium and project them on the wall! The Great Sweat is just soooo funny!
Tilly: Aw yeah, that's so cool to hear! Hey! Maybe you wanna complete a customer satisfaction survey! You could be in with a chance of winning a manky slipper signed by The Great Sweat himself!
Kyla: . ...Gimmie that survey. Kyla-43 and Kyla-28 would be so jealous.
Tilly: Yay so cool!
Kyla: Down with the Earth Confederacy!!!
Tilly: Yeah!!
Herder: I hate you all. Except the nice ones.
Emerald: I like you too, Commander.
Kyla: I know I'm a force of darkness and evil, the shadow that keeps the empire safe so it can live in the light dramatic pose so I accept that you hate me. I'm used to it.
Clarence: Do you hate me? There is great fear in his voice
Tilly: Oh wow, a detective! I sure hope you aren't investigating The Great Sweat, hahahaha! Lmao! Rofl! ...Because of course that would be treason!
Clarence: Oh, I'm not a detective, I'm a P.I., there's a difference.
Tilly: That's sooooooo interesting!
Clarence: he quickly throws his notebook in his pocket And I'm investigating NOTHING. Mainly because no-one is paying me to. He hands Tilly a business card If you want to pay me though, then feel free to.
Herder: Authoritarian shill
Clarence: Money is money.
Tilly: Hey so cool but no thanks! :D
Clarence: Oh... He looks really sad, turns away, tries not to cry
Herder: Aww, the police state puppet turned down you selling your soul to the corrupt state. There there, at least some of your tattered integrity remains intact
Clarence: I just want to help people invade the privacy of others, is that not too much to ask?
Emerald goes back to shredding on her guitar, attempting to tune out the one-person Happjness Patrol.
Herder: Gets out a can of paint from their invisible pocket and scrawls ‘The great sweat can kiss my furry ass’ over the sign to the welcome lounge
Tilly: Wow not cool, friend! I'm gonna have to report this to The Great Sweat! :)
Herder: Good, I want him to see it with those sweaty little eyes of his
Tilly: Hey, I totally get it! You wanna meet The Great Sweat! Don't we all! But unfortunately, traitors to the peace won't get that honour! You'll just get blasted into atoms in the cargo hold! So messy!
Emerald: Hey Commander, wanna unite against a common enemy?
Herder: Do I ever, but be warned, I trust no one.
Emerald: Fine with me. Neither do I.
Herder: Not since my great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandfather, Hamish McTavish the Third got stabbed in the back by his paramour.
Elton: I got stabbed in the back by a Paramore too. The Universal Music Group Christmas party game of werewolf can get rough
Clarence: Not even yourself?
Herder: Especially not myself, have you seen these dialogue options? I never know what I’m going to say.
Kyla: Hey, what's with all the disdain for the Great Sweat? You guys seem to really have the wrong impression about him.
Tilly: The Great Sweat never kisses furry asses! That would be a bit odd, and The Great Sweat isn't a bit odd!
Emerald: Touchy, is he? At least Princess Luna keeps open office hours.
Herder: Worth if for dirtying old sweaty’s pristine floors
Kyla: The floors ARE pristine you're right!
Harley: That's because I just cleaned them.
Kyla: salutes thank you for your service
Tilly: A productive worker is a happy worker!
Herder: You should think about unionizing, Harley.
Harley: I don't want any trouble! Don't mind me! Just a handycat passing through! Nothing to see here. Bulb's fixed, by the way. In case anyone cares. They scamper off before anyone actually cares.
Herder: Shame that no amount of droids or employees can clean up that disaster you call a haircut, Tilly.
Tilly: Hey not fun Herder!!! I grew this out for months in order to qualify for the job's very high standards of personal presentation! But thanks for noticing it! Yeah, unions are so not fun! They promise a lot of stuff, but really, they just want to take a cut of your work credits! You need your hard-earned work credits so you can pay rent and oxygen bills to Alejandro Enterprises!
Clarence: Yet apparently none of you can afford to pay a P.I. around here!
Harley: Uh, sure. Harley is visibly looking to get out of this conversation. I think I heard a toilet clog, gotta go! Don't mind me! Forget I was ever here!
Kyla: What sort of things do you hire a PI for?
Clarence: It says it on the back of my business card. he hands her a business card, the back of which lists “Tracking a person, Fraud Investigations, Sweeping for bugs, Finding your passion again, People tracing (background check), People tracing (art plagiarism), Process Serving! Background Checks, etc, … and more!”
Kyla: Interesting. My sister Kyla-33 wanted to be a PI but I never understood what that entailed. pockets card
Tilly: So funny! But not really needed in the Venusian Empire, considering our super cool and very well-funded police force! Love a cop!
Clarence: Yeah, but consider: you can’t hire a cop to follow someone who’s done absolutely nothing for a week, can you?
Tilly: Sure you can! As long as you happen to be The Great Sweat!
Clarence: mutters fuck…
Pchib: My stories should have cops in them. Perhaps someone can become one after an officer gives them a deferred charge of an arbitrary amount of pocket change!
Emerald: My ex's older brother was captain of the Canterlot royal guard. Nice guy, decent tactician, total dork. His favorite hobby was Ogres & Oubliettes.
Kyla: Oh! Another Knight!
Emerald: He kind of was, actually! He usually liked to play a character called Sir Gleaming Shield.
Kyla: Incredible! I'm glad to hear there are other knights in other places who are respected. I'm technically Dame Kyla-82, but since all 99 of my sisters have the same title we don't say it so it doesn't get tedious.
Emerald: 99 sisters... can't imagine what the reunions must be like. I'm an only child, myself.
Elton: I have a brother, he is older than me.
Kyla: ...an only child. I can't even imagine! I guess you never had to fight for your mother's affection then. She only has so many arms and tentacles after all...
Emerald looks bitter. Nah. She just wanted me to stay a colt instead of becoming a filly.
Kyla: ...that sounds very mean. Obviously we were all required to become space magic knights, but out mother never limited our personal identities, aside from an unwavering love for the Great Sweat praise be his name...
But really that's very messed up and I can't imagine how hard that must have been on you. I'm glad you are among people who recognize you as a filly. Just let me know if I need to silence anyone who says otherwise permanently.
Emerald smiles at that. Thanks, Kyla. You're a good friend.
Kyla: ...oh um... I mean, I just said all that cause I wanted to that's all. But uh, you to... I mean, if I had friends you'd be a good one.
Tilly: We're all great friends here! :D
Emerald: Ky, I used to date the actual Princess of Friendship. Trust me, we're friends. Without missing a beat she turns and snarls at Tilly. Cram it, killjoy, or I'll ram my horn through your skull! Got it?
Tilly: Killjoy!? I'm here to spread joy and vibes, Emerald! My name's not killjoy! T-I-L-L-Y, I'm Tilly!!! :D
Emerald: Yeah, no. I've known way better party ponies, and her joy was anything but an act. You think I don't hear the threats or see the bite in your smile? I know your type, you wouldn't last 5 seconds where I come from. You're lucky the Bearers aren't here to friendship rainbow you into oblivion.
Tilly: Hey hey, that party pony you know sounds so fun! But there's no need to make personal comments about my teeth! You can't change the carnivorous species you came from, you know!
Herder: I like your style Friendship is Tragic.
Emerald: Thanks, Commander Furball. I like yours too!
Kyla: I'm so used to everyone being able to unite and the shared love for the Great Sweat this situation is so confusing.... wait none of you are members of the Earth Confederacy are you?
Emerald: Equestrian Diarchy born and bred, that's me. Hail Celestia Solarus and Luna Nocturne, regents of the sun and moon respectively.
Kyla: Oh that's a relief. The Earth Confederacy are my sworn enemies.
Emerald: What'd they ever do to you?
Kyla: Uh, they're the bad guys obviously. My mother used to sing us a beautiful lullaby, I'll do my best to sing it though I'm no musician:
🎵 The Earth Confederacy all must die,
The Earth Confederacy all must die,
The Earth Confederacy all must die,
The Earth Confederacy all must die,
The Earth Confederacy all must die... 🎵
Emerald: That's one bucked up lullaby.
Kyla: Does bucked up mean beautiful and inspiring? If so then I agree!
Emerald: It can mean a lot of things! But uh... it's not usually a compliment.
Clarence: Most nursery songs are bad this way, do you even know what "Mary had a little Lamb chop" is about?
Kyla: Ahhh so not usually but in this case it is, got it!
Emerald: I really ought to teach you Ponish profanity...
Piglet: If you’re a filly, you’re a filly… whatever that is! Why, no one would try and make me be an eeyore!
Emerald: A filly is a female pony who hasn't gotten her cutie mark yet. Technically I'm a mare, since I have mine, but I like to switch things up. Keeps it interesting.
Piglet: Oh, how interesting! That reminds me of Christopher Robin, he’s a Boy but he says one day he’ll be a Man. I’m not sure what the difference is, though. I think I’m always going to be a Piglet.
Emerald: A Piglet's not a bad thing to be, ya know. Always be proud of who you are. She hugs him.
Kyla: And you'll be fine just the way you are! And I'll crush anyone who says otherwise!
Piglet: Aww, thank you!! I like you both just as you are too!
Elton: 🎶Don’t go changing, to try to please me, you’ve never let me down before
I’ll take the good times, I’ll take the bad times, I’ll take you just the way you are🎶
Shit, that’s not one of mine is it?
Herder: Holy moly what is this adorable squeaking pink thing in a vest?
Piglet: Hello! I’m Piglet!
Herder: Hello there! 👋 Excuse the massive gun, it’s basically an extension of my arm. Makes for a very awkward social life. Maybe I’ll mod in a holstering option.
Clarence: Maybe you could give the gun to someone who can put away?
Herder: That would involve me removing the gun from my person.
Kyla: Can you.... hold a different gun?
Herder: I have four so I suppose, doubt it would solve the issue though.
Clarence: I saw them pull out a shotgun to clean their teeth - none of you did anything about that by the way, that’s a bit messed up!
Herder: Guns are great for cleaning teeth! And scratching your back, and hitting people over the head with, and making stir-fries, and playing office golf, and making abstract art.
Clarence: If you promise not to shoot me... Could I try pulling the gun out of your hand? Just to help you, of course, I'd never want a gun... Well, I'd only want a gun because they look cool, but not to actually shoot anyone...
Herder: Well there’s no harm in trying I suppose, but you’re only allowed to borrow it. I need this gun!
With that, Clarence will try to take the gun and lift it into the air. Elton gets shot.
Emerald: Oh good one, butterhooves.
Herder: And nothing of value was lost. Well, I still have this gun stuck in my paw, but there’s one less rich person to worry about.
Elton leaves all his money in his will to Commander Herder, meaning they’re now rich.
Herder: You evil bastard! Immediately donates money to a union
Elton: This union?
Herder: How dare you sit in the same room as Karl Marx like that
Emerald: I thought it was Rick Rubin!
Clarence: Looks like famed comic book writer Alan Moore, except Human instead of an Owl if that makes sense
Elton: No, it’s me Elton John
Herder: Wait how are you still alive
Emerald: We'll explain later.
Elton: Feeling like a true survivor
Herder: Ah, I must have reloaded a save on accident. Damn it
Clarence: Okay can you let go of the gun?
Kyla: Someone must have kissed him and died when we weren't looking
Elton: Someone saved someone saved someone saved someone saved my life tonight
Herder: Waves paw around. The abnormally large gun waves with it No luck yet pal. Got any other ideas?
Clarence: Cut your arm off?
Herder: Oh that’s quite a good idea actually
Clarence: Kyla, can we borrow your sword? Or can you also not let go of your deadly weapon?
Kyla: ...what if you move into an area where guns aren't allowed? Maybe that will change your character model so it's on your back?
Clarence: I'm not sure guns are allowed here
Kyla: Sure, here you go. Just be careful with it.
Herder: Puts away laser saw … Yes, that may also work
Clarence prepares to swing the blade at Herder's arm, fixing the problem in the worst way possible... But then the blade retracts. It says it ran out of battery?
Kyla: Oh, right it works partially off space magic so maybe other people will have trouble using it...
Clarence: Right, well, guess there’s nothing to be done. I get paid for trying though, right?
Kyla: takes sword back it turns back on I wonder how space magic works anyway....
Elton: I’m afraid I can’t. Don’t have much money, but boy if I did….
Clarence: You’re not my client, Commander Herder is.
Herder: Sure, have some of Elton’s inheritance
Clarence: Elton just said he wouldn’t pay me…
Herder: That’s the rich for you
Clarence: Wrong, rich people will pay you directly if you can invade people’s privacy for them
Kyla: I'm afraid I just have my allowance from mothe--I mean my serious military Knight Pay.
Clarence: Well, I’m just going to go and have a drink, rethink my life. he heads off
Herder: Tries to enter a zone where guns aren’t permitted on the map. T-poses, blinks out of existence
Kyla: Th-they'll be fine. Y-yeah. Yeah. YEAH. Nothing to worry about there.
Pchib: Good riddance.
Elton: I hope they had the time of their life (Also not one of mine)
Emerald: Aww, now who am I going to stage a revolution with?
Kyla: Probably best you were warded off from a revolution against our most gracious Great Sweat. When people ask, "does he even lift?" we need only look to his name for the answer.
Emerald: Yes, but not well? How is he at pull ups?
Kyla: Clearly, he is very skilled. After all, he is the Great Sweat, with a capital G.
Tilly: I read an inspirational quote recently that said, "the real Great Sweat is the work we all do in His name"! 🥺
Emerald: Regardless, his reign of terror will end, and if the Commander ain't around to do something about it, I will!
Kyla: Is it really a reign of terror if we're not feeling terror about it?
Tilly: So fun! But don't forget to follow the regulations! The regulations keep us all safe! And revolutionary activity is definitely outside the regulations, unless you are inciting it within the Earth Confederacy - which would be a super cool day out!
Emerald: Do I look like somepony who even knows what an Earth Confederacy even is, Ensign Killy? I have half a mind to get on the nearest transport and drag the Element Bearers here myself! Not even Tirek could withstand a friendship magic beam!
Kyla: The Earth Confederacy are the bad guys!
Tilly: Maybe you should send your friendship magic beams at the Earth people! Because they don't have any friends, on account of being fucking evil bastards!
Kyla: Like my momma always said "If you're from Earth, you're the Worst!". And then also "Remember to remind people you are legally not a human!" Two very true statements!
Tilly: Legally speaking, humans have full rights under the benevolent rule of the Venusian Empire! As long as they're not up to no good! Claims that humans are disproportionately stopped and searched are entirely fabricated anti-Great Sweat propaganda!
Emerald: Oh for Celestia's sake, this is like arguing with Party Favor... what makes humans so bad, anyway? Elton's one of them and he looks like a nice guy!
Kyla: But just in case I'm not one anyway according to my ID Card and clone-birth certificate! Please ignore genetic tests to the contrary, they are legally bad vibes. Wait Elton is a human, I thought he was a Rocketman?
Tilly: Elton John is such a great member of the VibeCity team! We just love love love having him on the payroll as our entertainer in residence! He's such a fab example to all humans, because he knows to be fucking thankful for what we let him have! 🤣 🤣 😂
Emerald raises an eyebrow. Oh yeah, you're so benevolent. The giant gun you're carrying isn't a red flag at all.
Tilly: Genetic tests are cool and fun! Anyone in the Venusian Empire can be genetically tested for free by any member of the police force on their local planet, in order to ascertain what rights and privileges they have under the law! ID cards and birth certificates are also so fab and cool, but nothing's as good or reliable as a genetic test!
Chromia: Oh, wow, the lot of you have had some conversations while I've been away! And new people! How lovely
Emz: I didn’t have friends until I met Kyla and Piglet and Sexy Meglos. Maybe the Earth Confederacy just need to meet some nice people and then they will have friends and won’t need to be evil.
Emerald: I'd be happy to give them some pointers, friendship is what ponies do best! It's our whole thing!
Tilly: Hey EMZ, it's soooooo cool that you're spending your company-mandated vacation period here at VibeCity! But remember - androids don't have friends! That's important!
Emz: I’m a Cyborg. >>Also Tilly is a dick<< <<You know what Emily? You’re right>>
Kyla: is relieved Emz is a cyborg, but is worried that her ID might not protect her against a genetic test! That is NOT what mom said!
Emz: whispers Don’t worry Kyla, I’ll protect you
Tilly: Cyborg, android, whatevs - we don't discriminate here at VibeCity! All artificial non-organic or augmented life forms have the same rights in the Venusian Empire! It's soooooo great that you lot can't be violently attacked in public just because you're lesser beings any more!
Chromia: Well, I am an android, and it's just a logical fallacy to state that we have no friends. I have the friends I made back in the plant, and on the training floor, and I would be happy to be your friend, Emz.
Emerald: Me too!
Emz: Another friend??? Yes please! And you too Emerald, I would love to be your friend
Tilly: Hey whoa, Chromia, if I didn't know better, I'd think you were alluding to unionisation! Don't forget - android unionisation and friendship has been banned under Section 28 of the Venusian Imperial Law, after the tragic incident with Android Batch 492.delta!
Kyla: Oh, is that incident part of why our clone knights exist instead of androids?
Emerald: Oh buck your section 28, killjoy. Emerald hugs Emz, while giving Tilly the finger.
Tilly: Yeah! We just love love love clone knights! You're so wonderfully placid!
Emz: We do not have unions at Alejandro Enterprises. Just a communal group of cyborgs, androids and robots who work together. It’s very different.
Chromia: Yes, a mutual, communal friendship. Exactly.
Tilly: Teamwork makes the dream work! As long as it's The Great Sweat's dream!
Kyla: My mom prides herself in our brainwashing! 🙂 So glad its appreciated!
Tilly: Yay!
Chromia: As a representative of the Googolplexian Monarchy, it is my responsibility to see that the rights of androids and cyborgs and such are protected, as per the carve-out created two Imperial legal seasons ago. Unionization has a specific definition, which Venusian Imperial law delineates, but friendship does not; respectfully, calling friendship banned is an overstatement. The incident with batch 492.delta was indeed tragic, for all involved, and progress has been made to improve the working conditions for those remaining and those moving forward.
Tilly: So true bestie! But remember - the line between friendship and unionisation can be thin! You've gotta be careful out there!
Chromia: Yes, we all must step lightly, don't we?
Emz: Yes, step lightly, I think Commander Herder laid mine traps around here.
Kyla: I will use space magic to sweep the area around you, that sounds dangerous.
Chromia: I do not think I have had the pleasure of meeting Commander Herder.
Kyla: They are... quite the character. Dangerous, definitely.
Chromia: It does sound dangerous. Thank you, young lady, for protecting our friend Emz here.
Tilly: I hope that with a little more time, Herder will be a happy and productive part of the VibeCity family! They have a lot of potential, but sadly they just have such a toxic outlook! And it's toxic to themselves, more than anything else... Such a shame!
Chromia: We are all dangerous in one way or another. It is as the bards have said.
Kyla: That's.... a good wisdom.
Emerald: Ain't that the truth. I may not be as good with magic as Sparks was, but I do my best.
Kyla: wait, you know space magic too?
Emerald: Well, not space magic. I know unicorn magic! To demonstrate she levitates her guitar case around in a circle above their heads, then puts it back down again. That's just basic telekinesis, my real talent is in sonomancy: magic about sound.
Kyla: Oh, I can make objects float too! picks up a cup and floats it around I can't do sound Magix though, at least not yet.
Chromia: Do you make what is called "good vibrations"?
Without missing a beat, Emerald lights her horn and plays an invisible theremin, complete with sound effects. Sure do!
Chromia claps in approval. The arts are a glorious thing!
Emerald: I've always wanted to work in music, ever since I was little! I got my mark in a talent show, and when I was a little older, interned for Vinyl Scratch at KCOLT, the only radio station in the land! What a fun time that was, Vi was a great boss.
Kyla: Hmn, you really do have talent Emerald.
Emerald: Aw, thanks Ky! It feels good to play my music and share that with folks, and that's why I'm here, I want to spread that joy to others too!