Padfoot
Sirius Orion Black died twice.
The first was on the night of October 31, 1981. The night that his whole world collapsed. The sight of James, his brother, laying glassy eyed on the stairs, would never stop haunting him. And why should it? It was his fault after all. His fault for trusting Peter. His fault for leaving them alone. Lily and James Potter died October 31st and with them the 21 year old boy who had shown up at Godric’s Hollow that night.
Sirius had felt pain before. No pain would compare to the consuming loss he felt from that moment onward. He had blamed Remus—his Moony—he would think to himself miserably, every night he spent in Azkaban. He may not be guilty of what they had accused him of, but Sirius was not an innocent man.
His days blurred together for 12 long years. When the sun was up, he would think of Lily and James and his self hatred would tear him apart until he couldn’t bear it anymore and he turned into Padfoot, because it was easier not to think in the mind of the dog. At night he would stare at the moon and sob as he thought of his Moony all alone and hating him. The nights of the full moon were the hardest. Padfoot would howl all night, mourning the man and wolf who suffered alone every month.
The second time was on June 18, 1996.
Harry was in trouble, he remembered thinking. Reckless, beautiful Harry who was so like his father and mother. The order had rushed to the ministry that night and though he was explicitly told not to come, short of killing him, nothing would stop Sirius from going to his godson.
He had fought side by side with Harry and the others. Moony, Tonks, Kingsley and the other kids who had so bravely followed Harry to the ministry that night. The death eaters were full of familiar faces. Lucius Malfoy and his ridiculous blonde hair and ugly sneer, Bellatrix looking as shaggy and deranged as the last time he had seen her before escaping Azkaban.
And of course it was she who dealt the killing blow.
“Nice one, James!” he remembered calling out in a moment of weakness, seeing his brother in his 15 year old son. His words didn’t fully register in his mind as he faced Bellatrix, spell after spell alternating from their wands.
A stream of red light.
A sudden moment of clarity.
And Sirius was falling backwards.
Time stopped as he fell, the world seeming to stop. The faint sound of Bella’s laughter and the remnants of the battle raging around faded out as Sirius locked eyes with Remus. He was holding Harry back as the boy screamed and struggled towards Sirius, tears glimmering in his emerald eyes, staining his pain ridden face. Too young to be feeling all this pain, just as Sirius and the others had been all those years ago.
Sirius felt a pang of sorrow. Harry James Potter was the air that had breathed life back into Sirius’ lifeless body. He loved the boy as if he was his own. And he would die now knowing he had kept his promise to James and Lily, protecting Harry.
But it was the look on Remus’ face that was the last thing he saw. The hopelessness as they were so brutally ripped apart again having just found each other. My Moony, he thought as he fell into the veil behind him. He remembered, for a moment, the game they had used to play when they passed Harry from the care of one person to the next. Tag, you’re it, his final thought, directed at Remus.
A milky layer overtook his vision and the world seemed to unfreeze and speed up as Sirius fell through the veil behind him and he felt the last breath leave his body.
His eyes lost their light and Sirius Orion Black was truly dead.