The Mask
A sardonic smile here, a sexual joke there, and a great deal of sarcasm. That was Tony’s mask. He knew it probably wasn’t the best of ideas to keep it up in front of the team, but each of them wore one too so it couldn’t be too bad right? Everyone wore one after all, just look at Natasha ‘I don’t care’ Romanov or Thor ‘I don’t understand’ Odison, even Steve hid behind his Captain America persona.
But Tony saw through all their masks, saw their pain and their hidden nightmares. He noticed how hoarse Clint’s voice would be after a night passed screaming, or how dark the deep circles under Bruce’s eyes would get after days passed in the lab avoiding the nightmares sleep brought. Or how puffy and red Wanda’s eyes would be after crying for her brother. He knew how heavy their pasts were, and it would only get worse if he told them his own.
He couldn’t deal with how that heaviness would grow or seeing pity in their eyes. It would break him. So he did the best he could to lighten the mood when they went in those dark places by either using heavy sarcasm or by being an amusing idiot. Some times it was incredibly easy for them to forget he was a certified genius.
Which made the mask even stronger.
But even though he usually preferred the masked version to his real self, enjoyed it even, he was beginning to hate it. It was becoming too real. Even if it had its cracks. And it was tiring to hold it on all the time, so tiring that he started slipping.
Also people were annoyed by his masked self, some even hated him for it. But as long as they believed it, it was okay. He preferred to be hated for something he wasn’t rather than being hated for being himself.
Ultron brought a crack, losing J.A.R.V.I.S. another, Pepper leaving him brought a crack and then the so called Civil War came with a whole bunch of new cracks. Rhodey’s fall brought a crack, Natasha leaving brought another, Clint and Wanda throwing cars at him another, and then there was Siberia, and boy didn’t that bring a big ass crack.
His mask was throughly shattered, but it didn’t matter because there was no one there to see. He had just been discharged from the hospital with a brand new arc reactor (that nobody knew about thanks to the bandages he put around it) so he was alone in the empty compound since Rhodey was still in the hospital and Vision went with Wanda after the rogues escaped. Pepper didn’t even call anymore, just emailed him about SI, and Happy was with her. Better that way, he at least would make her happy, Tony just hoped to be invited at their wedding. So, alone in the compound, he had done what he had wanted to do for a while.
He had killed himself
And he had succeeded. After he had cut his wrists, blood pooling around him and the bots beeping worriedly outside the bathroom door, he had closed his eyes and drifted off hoping to not wake up. And he had succeeded, for about a minute. Then he was taken to the Cradle by a suit commanded by F.R.I.D.A.Y.
The only thing he had succeeded in was making two long, jagged, bright pink twin scars that went from his wrists to almost his elbows.
But after all he still had to rebuild his mask piece by piece because the rogues were back. Actually, they weren’t home yet, he was the one in Wakanda. It had taken an entire week but finally they signed the modified accords. There was only one problem, other than their anger towards him, his masks still had cracks. They were becoming wider and wider with each memory that came to hunt him. But he didn’t want to face his past, which had become more persistent since Siberia.
Another thing he didn’t want to face was his deep care for Nat. Not because he cared about her more than he did the others, even though he kinda did, even if just a little bit. But because she was the one who could figure him out-and almost did, without him telling her. And if he thought too much about how much he cared for her, he might just give in and let her know the truth. He had come to see her as the sister he never had, and had come to know her more than he ever thought he could. It was owed mostly to the sleepless nights spent in each other’s company with a bottle of whiskey and confessions from their pasts. Even if mostly it was Nat confessing and Tony listening.They bonded by talking about everything and nothing. He even began thinking she was starting to see him trough his mask. It had become a ritual but then Ultron happened. And then she was believing his mask just as everyone else did, apart from Bruce.
God he missed his science bro. He was the only one who had understood him and seen Tony’s true self, caring for him like a big brother would. Tony had needed this trip to adjust and repair the mask, to rehearse in front of an audience. It was becoming suffocating though, mixing with the real him after all this time using it.
The cool wind brought him to the present. Looking up at the starry sky of Wakanda he felt a pang of nostalgia remembering how Jarvis- the human one- absolutely loved how beautiful the stars look. He used to jokingly ask him if he thought the stars knew how bright they shined.
The Avengers were and would always be his family, no matter what they thought of him, he loved them all. But sometimes he wished that his Jarvis was there with him, he would give anything to have a moment with him, to thank him for making his life easier during the period Tony had labeled ‘Howard’s domain’ to alleviate the weight of those memories. He would even go back to Howard’s domain to see J.
But no, he could never have him back, he was not a child anymore, he hasn’t been for a long time. Had he ever actually been a child? He doubted it. He was forced to grow faster than anyone ever should
He sighed
Sometimes he wished he could just tell them about his pain, about how damaged he really was. Yes, they knew he was damaged from Afghanistan, but what they didn’t know was that the damage was there for longer than a few years, it had started in his childhood.
But every time he tried to talk to them he remembered that people would leave him for doing the wrong thing. And they did, they left him alone for doing what he thought was right. He didn’t want to risk losing his family again only to reveal his sob story, they had a lot on their plate as it was.
They had expected Tony to be angry with them, vengeful and downright mean. They had expected a smug smile on his lips as they signed the Accords. They had expected a great revenge or something. They hadn’t expected him to try and mend things between them. They hadn’t expected jokes and playfulness and a eyes full of regret and tiredness.
Clint had demanded he apologise for having hurt them all. Most of all Steve. That’s what he said. He said that Cap had told them what happened in Siberia. He said they knew that Tony had faked a truce to arrest them. Clint said they knew he had betrayed Steve again and beaten him and Barnes. Obviously Cap had lied to them.
Anyone else would probably hate him, them, at this point.
But he couldn’t. He didn’t have any living family. All he had was the family he had made for himself. The Avengers. And Tony doesn’t turn on family. Even if they turn on him.
So he apologised
Steve seemed surprised by that, confused even.
Tony supposed that was to be expected, after all, when has Tony Stark ever apologized for anything?
“I thought you would be geeking out in Shuri’s lab, or at least celebrating your victory with some scotch” Natasha said a joking tone. But he knew her better than she thought apparently because he could hear the surprise in her voice. Maybe even a hint of concern. Well, that couldn’t be now, could it? She didn’t like, let alone care about him. She didn’t care, just like everyone else
Anyway
She talked about drinking like he could drink anything alcoholic with all the meds he was taking “Just checking out the view, I still believe my tower’s is better mind you, but this is nice” he said with nonchalance still facing the stars. Hoping his mask didn’t crack he plastered a smile on his face and looked at her. He loved Nat, but he couldn’t let his mask slip right now, there was just too much pain, and he’ll be damned if he hurts one of them again, even if accidentally. He was still too afraid to show her, hell any of them, what was underneath the mask. Even if a little part of him wanted to tell her anyway.
“Of course you’d believe that” she muttered, half amused and half annoyed, probably by the gigantic ego his mask showed. “You sure you’re okay?” She asked, concern now clear in her voice. She must have been there longer than he thought if she was concerned about him. How long has he been out there? He remembered the sunset, so it must have been a few hours already.
“Oh Red! I didn’t know you cared!” He exclaimed mockingly hoping, praying to avoid the question.
***
At her steely glare he smiled, just barely “I’m just fine Nat, no reason to worry I’m… I’m always fine” he said, giving her a tight smile
She frowned “you sure about that?” she knew he usually lied about physical pain, but emotional pain was always obvious on him. Or so she thought, but just three seconds ago when he didn’t know she was there his face was scrunched up in sorrow. She was sure he was grieving, she saw it, his face was so full of pain just a second ago you’d think someone had just died. But now he closed off so quickly she was left spinning. For all his masks, Tony had never fooled Natasha. But his demeanour had changed so quickly in so little time she was left to re-evaluate all the times he said he was fine and made her think he meant it. Had he always lied so easily? If she hadn’t witnessed the change herself she wouldn’t have believed it.
He cocked his head, confused “sure am, why do you ask?”
“Because I know you, and instead of doing your usual little ‘who’s got a bigger dick’ dance with Cap and Clint, you apologised. I’m just wondering if you’re okay”
He snorted then, completely straight faced he said “first of all, I’ve got the biggest dick between the three of us-”
“And how would you know that?”
“-and second of all, of course I’m fine, I mean, I was right wasn’t I? They were all wrong and I was right, I won they lost, I’m the rightful heir to Cap’s now fallen righteousness, muhuhahaha- that was an evil laugh by the way- and all that”
She smiled despite herself. Damn it! He was changing the argument and she didn’t even notice. And to think she had come here to try and get away from all the drama. The team ‘we hate Tony Stark’ was at it again, talking about how Ultron didn’t seem such an accident if you thought about it. Obviously they didn’t really hate Tony, but they were angry, more so now that they had to acknowledge that the accords were good. Or at least that they would have happened anyway and that with Tony’s help they were acceptable. It was too much for her and she had to get out. So she went out on the balcony, surprised to find company. Natasha knew the others had deep pains, but Tony didn’t seem to have any apart from Afghanistan but he hardly ever talked about it. He was always the one smiling, making jokes and giving dumb nicknames. She was tempted to believe that he was fine if it weren’t for the pain she had seen in his expression a couple of moments ago
She sighed, well if she couldn’t get him to talk then she’d have to keep him company. She gets closer to him as he starts rambling
“Also- how do I know that I have the biggest dick? Well let me tell ya, the SHIELD’s helicarrier’s showers aren’t exactly see through, but, and listen carefully because it’s gonna become complicated from now on: so you were on a mission and Clint started this prank war and...”
She smiled softly, listening to him talk. She let the hours pass, enjoying being near her friend for the first time in who knows how long
“I can’t wait to show you around in the compound. I made so many improvements you won’t even recognise it. I gotta admit, I’ll probably miss Wakanda’s tech but New York’s pizza is waaay better than whatever they tried to convince me was food here” he said much later, when they were getting up from their seated position
She moved faster than his tired stride, arriving at the door before him and entering the building.
“Hey Nat?” She stopped, turning around “thanks for… for checking up on me” he said softly as he entered and moved towards his room. She couldn’t see his face, but she knew that out of all the things he said that night, that was honest.
She smiled to herself, she had missed her little brother