Better Halves

The first thing Laudna remembered was confusion.

Which, ultimately, she shouldn't have been surprised by. That had become something of a running theme in her life. Her oldest memory was sitting around the fireplace at home, listening to Father read a story, and not having the faintest idea what the heck he was saying.

Then there was when she was called upon by Lord and Lady Briarwood, which seemed unusual; a peasant girl with creepy shadow powers, invited to the castle? Unheard of. And it had gotten worse when they'd started to beat her, then threw her into that damned tree and left her for dead. Had she done something wrong? Did she make the wrong impression? Was she wearing the clothes she'd been provided with incorrectly?

Then there'd been waking up. In a pile of dead bodies, no less.

She remembered the utter confusion when she'd realized her vomit was an inky black color, as were her tears and blood. She remembered the way her world turned upside down when Delilah had first spoken to her in her head, and how it had felt when she'd realized this would be what the rest of her semi-immortal life would be like.

She remembered the strange, confusing feelings that had first appeared when the strange purple-haired girl had found her hiding in her barn, and for some reason, hadn't run away screaming. She remembered how it felt to have the girl's voice in her head for the first time, and how confusing it was when someone accepted her for her for the first time since she'd died.

She remembered the confusion of the gnarlrock incident, not knowing what had happened, and why Imogen was mad at her when it had been Delilah's fault. She remembered the utter surprise at when not-Dusk had expressed an interest in her that nobody in her life ever really had.

And most of all, she remembered the utter confusion she'd felt from being brought back to life. The overwhelming sounds and colors, the uncertainty over whether or not this was real, as Delilah had been enjoying her games for so long before. And she remembered the uncertainty of the sun tree, coming to terms with both versions of Whitestone that lived and fought in her head.

However, the thing she remembered most of all was the certainty that had finally come when Imogen had agreed to travel with her. The certainty that she was alive (more or less), that she wasn't quite as irredeemable as she'd thought, that maybe there still was hope in her life, if a radiant creature such as Imogen could feel anything other than utter repulsion at her.

Which, in Laudna's mind, was a perfectly reasonable excuse to compartmentalize.

Imogen could very well be dead. She could have been absorbed by Ruidus, her soul torn to pieces to fuel Ludinus's insane plan. She could have been sent to another plane entirely and been eaten by some strange creature, chewed and swallowed just like Orym had almost been by that weird plant creature, before the elf girl, Prism, had saved him.

Which is why when, during her watch, she heard Ashton say "you know you can bring down the compartmentalization a little bit," she had to fight back a laugh.

He threw her a couple weird looks, and a "we're gonna get them back," before getting annoyed at her relentless smile. "What??"

"If I say too many words, I'm gonna cry," she forced out.

Ashton gave her an almost sympathetic look that nearly made her cry all on its own.

"Look," he sighed. "I'm sorry, alright? I made some bad calls, I panicked, I thought we were done, and now we're... wherever here is, and the others could be dead and... and it could very well be all my fault."

"Who said it was all on you, Ashton?" Laudna asked. "We were all just a bunch of dumb fucks facing off against a cult powered by an ancient god-eating monster, and lead by a 500-year-old wizard. We were never on even footing."

"Heh. That's definitely not true," Ashton replied, almost in amusement. "Imogen alone could have wiped them the fuck out. You didn't see her after Thull killed you. She literally levelled an entire fucking city block to get back at them."

The moment Imogen's name was dropped, Laudna's smile doubled in size. Ashton blinked and shuffled back a foot.

"Laudna, the entire top half of your fucking head is gonna fall off if you keep doing that."

At least then I won't have to live in a world without her.

"I don't want to cry."

"I don't like it!" came the echo from their little setup at the bottom of the hill.

Ashton rolled his eyes and sighed, fidgeting with his hammer. "Right. Sure. Listen, I'm getting pretty tired, so if you don't want to talk seriously, maybe I should just--"

Laudna's hand shot out, faster than she was even able to comprehend, and gripped his shoulder, her smile faltering.

"Don't, please," she begged. "Look, I'm sorry, alright? It's just, this is a lot, more than I think I was ever built to handle, so I'm trying to deal with it the only way I know how. I know it's probably not a good way, I just don't know any others. Just... please don't leave me alone, I don't think I could take it right now."

Ashton's expression softened at that, and he nodded, once again getting comfortable sitting in his spot.

"So," he began. "Now that we're being honest, you wanna tell me what's really going on?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why you're actually so worried about what's happening here."

"I'm worried about our friends!" Laudna insisted. "About the world! It's, y'know, a pretty reasonable worry, given the whole god-eating moon situation we've got going on."

"Oh, I know," Ashton agreed. "And I believe you. I'm not disagreeing with you, I'm just trying to get you to be more specific."

"Specific?"

"As in, who's worrying you so much?"

"Imogen, of course." The statement was out of her mouth before she could even consciously think it.

"There we fucking go." Ashton seemed very pleased with himself, more than Laudna was comfortable with. "Now we're making some progress. Wanna tell me why?"

Laudna just blinked at him.

Ashton groaned and facepalmed. "Spoke too soon."

"What are you talking about?"

"No!" echoed from below.

Ashton chuckled into his hand. "If you don't know already, then me telling you isn't gonna do shit for you.

"Know what?"

Ashton just shook his head, turning to face the tree line.

"Ashton," Laudna insisted. "Ashton, fucking talk to me, please. You know I'm not good at picking up on hints."

"Oh, I know you're not. I've been watching all the hints Sparks has been dropping ever since the two of you first met us, and every single time I've watched them fly miles over your head. It's been pretty entertaining."

"Ashton, stop being a dick and tell me what you mean already, or else Pâté drops that stupid hammer in the ocean."

"Like he could even lift it."

"He's stronger than he looks!"

Laudna shifted forward, getting as in his face as she could from her sitting position. Luckily for her, she was maybe the one member of Bell's Hells that could successfully intimidate the barbarian.

"What hints?" she demanded. "Talk, or you learn what spiders taste like when you wake up tomorrow."

"You wouldn't."

"Are you willing to risk the life of your taste buds on that?"

The two had a staring contest for a solid minute, before Ashton finally sighed and looked away.

"You wanna know what I'm talking about?" he said. "Imogen's head over heels for you. Has been more or less since the two of you met, I'd wager."

"Head over--"

Laudna simply stared ahead, trying to process what Ashton was saying.

"You mean, as in--"

"As in, she's in love with you. She slept with your fucking corpse, for fuck's sake. She destroyed a city block. Friends don't do that, trust me."

Laudna found her gaze drawn to the golden ring around her finger. Suddenly, it held a drastically different meaning than it had a moment ago.

"Yeah," Ashton huffed. "That's what I thought."

"But..." Laudna found herself tripping over her words. "But she's... but she's so..."

"Capable?"

Laudna found it disconcerting how predictable she apparently was.

"Why would she..." she stammered. "Why would someone... but, she could have anybody in Exandria if she wanted to. Why would she pick me?"

"Traditionally, you don't really pick who you fall in love with. It just kinda happens."

"You know what I mean, Ashton!"

"I don't like it!" That thing was getting annoying.

Ashton's head tilted in interest. "Actually, no I don't. Wanna enlighten me?"

"No."

"Do it anyway."

Laudna sighed. "Imogen's... she's... Imogen is amazing."

"And?"

"And I'm just a dead little girl with a rat-bird for a best friend. She can't be in love with me. She deserves too much more."

"And yet, she is. Maybe think on that for a while?"

Ashton huffed, laying on his back and turning away from her. He attempted to fake snore, only to discover he wasn't very good at it.

"Wait, Ashton..." Laudna began. "You weren't talking about how she felt about me, you were asking about why I was worried about her. Weren't you?"

"Mm hm."

"So... what were you referring to?"

Ashton turned his head to lock eyes with her over his shoulder. "I was using that as an example. You're right, we were talking about how you felt, not her."

"So how did love come into the mix?"

Ashton simply smirked and rolled his eyes, turning away from her once again.

"Ashton?"

He ignored her.

"Ashton? What did you mean by that?"