“Then, with the strength of a thousand hurricanes,” bellowed Thor as he stood atop the table, “I swung Mjolnir with all my might and fell the foul beast once and for all!”
The table erupted in cheers as the warriors enthusiastically raised their flagons. Loki sighed. He drummed his fingers lazily on the table at the other end of the room. Everyone was dressed in their finest as they gorged on the feast before them. The hall was filled with warriors who had participated in their recent campaign, among them: Thor, Loki, Fandral the Dashing, and even the elite squad of Valkyries. Loki noted with amusement that Brunhilde, the leader of the Valkyries, seemed as disinterested in the festivities as he was.
“If only you had brought such might to this campaign, Thor,” chuckled Fandral, “We might not have had to return to retrieve you.”
“What did you expect?” smiled Thor back, “The lady had been captured! I simply had to rescue her.”
“Indeed,” chimed in Loki, “Along with every other damsel you come across.”
“Excuse me,” laughed Fandral, “but as a former damsel myself, I must defend Thor’s habitual crusades.”
Everyone laughed, even Loki. Fandral and Thor went way back, having fought alongside each other as warriors for as long as they had been trained in combat. While Thor was a large man who led battle charges with incredible strength, Fandral’s was a slender man with a sharp wit and charm who preferred to think himself out of situations. On at least one such occasion Thor had saved him from imprisonment.
“Indeed!” said Thor, “After all, were it not for my rescuing you, we might never have had that lovely night together!”
“Sure we would have!” chuckled Fandral back, “I would have seduced you soon enough.”
The room erupted in laughter. The two had begun an intimate relationship following that particular escapade, as Thor often did with those he saved. In fact, Thor had many different relationships across the realms which he maintained at all times. On some level, it was frustrating for Loki. He got laid plenty too. He just wasn’t such a braggart about it.
“Here’s to Thor,” added Fandral, raising his glass of wine, “No one wields a hammer like the God of Thunder!”
“No one wields a hammer like the God of Thunder!” cheered out the room in response, taking large swigs of their drinks.
Loki groaned. He despised Thor’s showboating. Everything seemed to come so easily for him. Even when Loki sabotaged his efforts, it always worked out for Thor. Loki had even shortened the handle of Mjolnir during its creation, but Thor turned out to be so skilled with the weapon that its small size proved a convenience to him more than anything. He could throw it across entire plains and still call it back effortlessly. The powerful weapon was always by his side. If only Loki could make him realize his hubris for at least a little bit...
“Hey Thor!” shouted Loki over the cheers, “What’s the farthest you’ve thrown Mjolnir in battle?”
“Ha! An excellent question,” said Thor, “I have thrown Mjolnir into the depths of the Ginnungagap itself and still recalled it to my hands.”
“Have you not thrown it across the realms?” asked Loki, feigning surprise.
“How do you mean?”
Most of the room was listening to their conversation now as they shouted at one another from across the room.
“Surely you are capable of sending Mjolnir through the cosmos,” continued Loki, “or are you not skilled enough for it?”
“There is no feat I cannot accomplish with Mjolnir!” boasted Thor.
“Are you truly saying you could throw that hammer all the way to the Bifrost from here?”
“Of course!”
“Then let us see.”
“Very well!” said Thor, turning and striding towards the window with haste.
Most of the celebrating warriors rushed over with him, gathering around him as he stepped up onto the ledge of the large window and leaned out of it to look into the night sky. High above Asgard in the stars was the unmistakable rainbow glow of the Bifrost. The mystical force connected The Nine Realms in a nexus of cosmic pathways. By entering into the Bifrost, one could then navigate to any of the realms one desired.
Thor squinted at the Bifrost as he began spinning his hammer by the leather strap, ready to prove Loki wrong. Everyone watched in anticipation as Thor spun the hammer faster and faster like a propeller, staring intently at his target. Finally, Thor let out a battle cry as he hurled Mjolnir upwards toward the shining light. The hammer glowed with lightning as it rose into the night sky. Everyone stared as it got smaller and smaller before finally disappearing into the glow of the Bifrost.
“Ha!” said Thor triumphantly, “I knew it!”
“Excellent,” said Loki, holding back laughter.
“Wait a minute,” realized Fandral, “Can you still retrieve it if it has entered the Bifrost?”
Thor grunted in wonder. He held his hand out to the sky and willed for Mjolnir to return to him. The mystical hammer was enchanted such that Thor could recall it at any time simply by willing it so. It would fly back to him with the force of a crashing meteor. Thor extended his fingers farther, hoping to achieve such a task now. It was no use. Mjolnir was not returning.
“That’s not good,” said Thor.
***
Many months later…
“And since then,” explained Jane to the group of tourists, “No one has been able to lift Mjolnir. Many have tried, but all have failed.”
The tour group stood before a massive dig site surrounded by industrial machines and research tents. S.H.I.E.L.D. logos dotted every piece of equipment surrounding the crater. The crater itself was several stories deep and surrounded by a tall barbed wire fence. At the bottom of it sat the silvery grey hammer that had sparked the investigation.
The hammer, which by all accounts was identical to the legendary Mjolnir spoken of in Norse legends, had crashed into the hills outside Tønsberg, Norway several months ago. It made headline news all around the world at the time. No one had been able to move it, so S.H.I.E.L.D. continued to investigate and the site became something of a tourist attraction. Jane Foster, an anthropologist contracted by S.H.I.E.L.D., had been charged with addressing such tours.
Jane was a heavier woman with long brown hair and a soft face. She wore hiking boots, a pair of light brown dress pants that dirt and dust wouldn’t show up on, and a black collared shirt she had tucked in. She wore a trench coat on top of all of this, tightening it around her as she felt another gust of cold Norse air.
“Why can’t anyone lift it?” shouted one tourist.
Jane hated that question. Of course it was a pretty common one, but not one she enjoyed answering. Countless geologists, physicists, and chemists had analyzed the strange artifact for hours on end. The best theory any of them could come up with was that the object was somehow magnetically drawn to the Earth’s core with such a powerful force that it couldn’t be moved. This was generally the answer she gave to tour groups, since it was the easiest to consume for someone unfamiliar with the situation.
Jane had been there the whole time though. She had seen the massive drills, industrial cranes, and powerful explosives that had destroyed the soil beneath Mjolnir, but failed to move the hammer. Were it really magnetism keeping it there, it would have ripped the hammer through the Earth’s crust by now.
Jane had a different theory. She believed the hammer really was the one from Norse mythology. She believed that it really was magic and that none but Thor would ever be able to lift it. That’s why she hadn’t even bothered trying, unlike most of her coworkers.
“That’s a good question,” said Jane, feeling bold, “No one is really sure why the hammer can’t be lifted. If you ask me though, it’s an enchantment. The enchantment prevents all but the worthy from wielding the mighty weapon. Until the day that such a man comes, this hammer will never be lifted.”
There was a short pause as the tour group took in Jane’s explanation. Then they burst into uproarious laughter at the idea, even the tour guide. Jane anxiously squeezed the sides of her coat as her face began to turn red.
“An enchantment!” cried one between laughs, “That’s rich!”
The tour group walked off and left Jane standing there, embarrassed. She hated that. Among a team of scientists, she was the only anthropologist. While her coworkers constantly traded scientific explanations for the phenomenon, she dove into the cultural instead. She believed that the hammer’s appearance in Norway was no coincidence. She was certain that there was a connection between it and Norse mythology. Of course, such a theory was predicated on the existence of magic. This alone got her laughed out of the room when she first brought it up.
Jane sighed to herself as she leaned against the fence and looked down at the hammer. One would think in a world with giant green monsters and mutants, magic wouldn’t be so much of a leap. Jane’s coworkers still asserted that magic was just an excuse for not understanding science.
Jane despised that approach. Ever since she was young she had found herself drawn to fantasy and magic. Part of her knew deep down that it had to be real. She found herself fixated on every tabloid story about the mystical and eventually focused her career on how different cultures viewed myths and magic. When she was in school she had been mocked for being an overachieving nerd. Now that she was in the field with other overachieving nerds, she was being mocked for her belief in magic.
“Greetings!” boomed a powerful voice.
Jane looked confusedly over at the source, which was a strong blonde man in full viking armor and a red cape. He walked with his chest out and smiled so broadly that Jane could count his teeth. She honestly didn’t know what to make of this man or his appearance. Did he wear a themed costume for the tour?
She was immediately stricken with how attractive the man was. Jane found herself flustered as she reminded herself to stand up straight and speak clearly. She often found herself nervous around pretty men.
“Hello,” said Jane, “How can I help you?”
“What is your name?”
“Jane Foster.”
“Well met, Jane Foster!” bellowed the man, “I am Thor! Son of Odin and the All-Father of Asgard.”
Jane stared in disbelief. People had shown up claiming to be Thor before, but mostly as a joke. She had never seen anyone in full costume or with such absolute commitment to the character before. What was more, Jane found herself drawn to this person. There was a pleasantness to his smile and a pureness in his eyes that made her believe everything he was saying, though she questioned the suddenness of that belief.
“Like…” she said quietly, “The real Thor?”
“Well I am certainly not false,” chuckled Thor, “Tell me, is this Midgard?”
“Yes,” Jane found herself saying.
What was she doing? Why was she playing along with this guy’s weird game? Surely the actual Thor hadn’t waltzed in from Asgard to talk to her.
“Good,” he nodded, “Then this must be where it landed..”
“Landed?”
“Allow me to explain,” he said, “Many moons ago I accidentally flung my hammer into the Bifrost. I have searched the Nine Realms for where it may have landed to no avail. This is the final realm in which it could have-”
“What is going on here!?” demanded a stern voice.
Jane and Thor turned to see a fit woman in an all-black special operations S.H.I.E.l.D. uniform. She had a red hourglass on her belt buckle and bright red hair. Jane began to shudder nervously just being near her.
“Agent Romanoff,” said Jane meekly.
Special Agent Natasha Romanoff was the S.H.I.E.L.D. agent in charge of the dig site. She was a former intelligence agent and assassin. She was the only S.H.I.E.L.D. agent to earn the Black Widow distinction, which indicated over 13 successful assassinations of targets charged with treason. Her involvement in a few high profile missions had compromised her ability to continue as a spy, though her experience with unusual missions had made her a valuable asset to S.H.I.E.L.D.
Despite her vast experience, Agent Romanoff’s job at this site had consisted of little more than sitting around and waiting while scientists debated theories. It had left her notably short-tempered and intense, which caused Jane to generally fear and avoid her.
“Is this a friend of yours, Foster?” demanded Romanoff, pointing a thumb at Thor.
“This is… Um…” said Jane nervously, “...Thor.”
Romanoff stared at Jane blankly for a moment, ignoring Thor.
“Do you think this is funny, Foster?” she asked coldly.
“No, I-”
“Jane Foster speaks the truth!” bellowed the Thunder God, “It is I, Thor!”
“I don’t have time for this,” continued Romanoff, “Get this man out of here. Otherwise I’m calling security.”
“Yes, Agent Romanoff.”
Romanoff walked off, leaving Jane and Thor standing there as Jane anxiously twirled her thumbs.
“I’m sorry,” she murmured once Romanoff was out of earshot, “That’s my boss. She-”
“Mjolnir!” cried Thor loudly and suddenly, “There it is!”
Thor had spotted the hammer at the bottom of the crater on the other side of the barbed wire fence. He made a step for the fence, but Jane cut him off.
“No!” she pled, “I’m sorry, but you’re really not allowed to do that.”
“But I must claim Mjolnir!”
“I know,” nodded Jane, realizing that she did truly believe this man, “but as far as they’re concerned, Mjolnir belongs to them now. If you take it, there might be trouble.”
“I can’t leave it there!” argued Thor.
“I know,” said Jane, “We’re going to have to claim your ownership of it somehow. I think you’re going to need a lawyer or something.”
“Then I shall!” declared Thor, “I shall find the mightiest lawyer on Midgard to prove that Mjolnir is mine by right!”
***
“Morning Weezi,” said Jennifer as she walked into her office.
Jennifer’s chubby and cheery assistant looked up at Jennifer and smiled, adjusting her glasses.
“Good morning, Ms. Walters,” she smiled, “There’s a fella here who wants to see ya. He’s a real looker, too.”
“Did he have an appointment?”
“No, but he didn’t seem to mind waiting.”
“He better not,” grumbled Jennifer, “I only just finished up Banner’s mess of a case. I could use a bit of time to get myself organized before I jump on his. I can introduce myself to him first, though. He around the corner?”
“Yup.”
Jennifer walked around the corner of the room to a small alcove with several sofas around a water cooler and large window. This was their waiting area for visitors and clients. Right now only one man sat there. He was an exceptionally in-shape man with a strong and smiling face. He was in jeans and a T-shirt rather than the business attire of her usual clients.
“Hello! My name is Jennifer Walters,” introduced Jennifer, “I don’t believe we’ve had the pleasure, Mr…”
“I am Thor, God of Thunder and All-Father of Asgard!” declared the man, “Well met, Jennifer Walters. I was hoping you could help me. You see, my sister stole my hammer.”
Jennifer stared in disbelief. Whether this man was telling the truth or out of his mind, this would be a memorable case. There was no way she was turning it down. She rushed both him and Weezi into their conference room and sat around the table. Weezi got out her notepad and pen to take notes.
“Why don’t we start from the beginning,” suggested Jennifer, “Weezi, are you ready?”
“Yes, ma’am!”
“Okay Thor,” nodded Jennifer, “You may begin.”
“I am Thor!” announced the man loudly, “God of Thunder and All-Father of Asgard!”
Jennifer sighed.
Thor told his story, starting from how Loki had tricked him into throwing his hammer into the Bifrost, his long journey across the Nine Realms, and finally his realization that S.H.I.E.L.D. had claimed his hammer for their own. He had looked up lawyers and found out about She-Hulk, deducing that she was the strongest and mightiest of all Midgardian lawyers and therefore most equipped to help him out. He concluded the story with an accomplished smile.
“I thought you said Loki was your sister?” clarified Weezi.
“Aye,” nodded Thor, “That too. She’s bigender.”
“So what I’m hearing,” said Jennifer, “is that you want to contest S.H.I.E.L.D.’s ownership of Mjolnir by proving that it’s your property.”
“If that will help me reclaim it, yes!” agreed Thor.
“That should be easy enough,” grinned Jennifer confidently.
“How do you figure?” asked Weezi.
“Ever seen Miracle on 34th Street?”
***
“I would have words with him,” demanded Lady Sif.
“Lord Malketh has no interest in speaking with you, Vanir!” spat the guard.
Lady Sif stood at the gates to the enormous, looming, black castle of Svartalfheim. The whole sky was painted in shades of purple and black while the stark outlines of buildings and watchtowers lined the horizon. A dark cloud hung over the castle, which itself was illuminated by the eerie red lighting from the windows. The whole place stank of rotten food. Sif despised it.
Sif stood in full armor, having traveled a long way in anticipation of conflict. The armor was a beautiful menagerie of crimson and silver, flaring out like wings at every joint. Her long brown hair flowed from her silver helm, which was adorned with a ruby in the headpiece. Most of her muscular body was concealed by her long, blood red cape fastened to her shoulders. An enormous claymore was strapped to her back. She looked bemused at the two dark elf guards.
“Forgive me,” said Sif, “I misspoke. I meant to say: I WILL have words with him.”
One of the guards made the mistake of drawing his weapon. Sif was one of the greatest warriors in all the realms and was unphased by the attempted surprise attack. She drew her blade before her opponent could swing and effortlessly parried the blow. She focused her mind and, through a combination of magic and swordplay, cut her opponent’s sword in half.
By now the other guard had made a move. Sif finished her business with the first guard by knocking him out with a mailed fist to the face as she blocked the second guard’s attack with her sword in her free hand. The guard stared in shock at the site of her wielding such a heavy two-handed blade with only one hand. She used this moment of opportunity to punch this guard as well, knocking him out.
Sif ripped the lock off the gates and marched through the courtyard and into the castle. To her surprise, she found no further resistance. In fact, she didn’t find anything. The castle was seemingly deserted, with not a single living being to be found as she made her way to the throne room.
“Loki!” she realized angrily.
“I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again,” mused the Goddess of Mischief as she swirled the red liquid around in her glass, “No one makes wine like the dark elves.”
Loki was lounging across the throne in the otherwise empty throne room. She was in her feminine form: a tall woman with long black hair and focused eyes. She wore black boots, tights, and a from fitting green and gold dress with a slit up the side. Her hair was slicked back beneath the golden circlet on her head. She let out a sigh as she took another sip of wine.
“Where is Malketh!?” demanded Sif.
“Much better off than he would have been if YOU got here first,” chuckled Loki, “He won’t even know we were here. I might have just spared Asgard a war, you know.”
“What do you want?”
“Same as you,” insisted Loki, sitting up straight and facing Sif, “To find our lovable, simple-minded friend.”
Thor was indeed Sif’s friend, but they were also paramours. They had met on the field in battle when Sif had saved Thor’s life and dragged his body back to camp. Since then they had fought beside one another countless times.
“You watch your tongue!” shouted Sif, “It was your trickery that got him lost in the first place!”
“I went too far, I confess,” admitted Loki, “but now our interests are one in the same.”
“I highly doubt that,” said Sif, turning around and walking away.
“I know where he is!” called Loki, smiling as Sif froze in her tracks.
“Tell me,” ordered Sif quietly.
“Of course!” said Loki, “He’s on Midgard. He’s been taken captive by a woman named Jane Foster.”
***
“Watch it!” shouted a man angrily as Thor’s massive arm shoved past him.
“My apologies!” shouted Thor, waving his hand apologetically and pushing others in the process.
“Could you lay off a little?” asked Jennifer irritably.
“I’m trying!” insisted Thor loudly, “There are so many more Midgardians than I remember there being!”
The two of them were in the airport making their way to their gate. Thor was not accustomed to large crowds of people. Between his lack of social experience dealing with that sort of situation and his tendency to loudly draw attention, it had been a very stressful day for Jennifer.
“Here we are,” she sighed as they reached their gate, “Let’s have a seat.”
“Very well,” nodded Thor as he sat beside her, “Until when?”
“Until we board.”
“When will that be?”
“About an hour.”
“Then how shall we pass the time?”
“Quietly.”
“Quietly doing what?” asked Thor loudly.
Jennifer sighed. How had this man made it all the way from Norway? She had planned to read her book, but it seemed like nothing was going to stop Thor from loudly yelling from now until he found his hammer. If only there was a way to keep him occupied with something else. Then Jennifer had an idea.
“You like hearing about history, right?” she asked, pulling out her phone, “Like medieval battles and stuff?”
“There is nothing greater than the tale of a glorious victory!” declared Thor.
“Good,” said Jennifer, ignoring the countless awed witnesses staring at them, “Put these in your ears and press the sideways triangle when you’re ready.”
Thor placed the earbuds in his ears, took the phone, and tapped the play button as he was told. His eyes widened in surprise when the audio first started, but then he started listening intensely. Jennifer had given him Unto the Breach, a podcast about historic military strategy. She smiled proudly as she realized her plan had worked.
Good, she thought, That should keep him quiet until they got to Tønsberg.
Jennifer honestly wasn’t sure whether to believe that this man was Thor, but she did firmly believe in his right to assert such and prove the truth. She would fight for him to have that opportunity. If it turned out he was just a nice man with a blonde beard, she’d still be proud to have fought for that right. That’s what the law was all about as far as she was concerned. It also seemed like it’d be endlessly interesting and entertaining.
“HAHA!” cheered Thor suddenly, alarming everyone around him “WELL FOUGHT!!”
Maybe too interesting.
***
“Ms. Foster?” came a woman’s voice.
Jane looked up as she saw a brunette in a suit approaching her alongside Thor. She was relieved to see him; a day and a half had gone by since he left to find a lawyer. She was also happy that he had changed into more acceptable civilian clothing, reducing the likelihood of Romanoff firing her for his return.
“Thor!” she said with a smile, “Is this your lawyer?”
“Yes,” said the woman, “Are you Jane Foster?”
“I am.”
“Do you know where we might find the agent in charge?”
“That would be me,” said Romanoff angrily as she emerged from a nearby tent, “You must be Foster’s friends.”
They all turned to face Romanoff. Jane practically bowed her head in fear as she approached, but the woman in the suit stood proudly ready to oppose her. Thor continued to smile.
“Jennifer Walters,” introduced the brunette, holding out her hand, “Attorney at law.”
Jennifer Walters? realized Jane, As in… She-Hulk?
“AND I AM-” began Thor in a deep, loud voice before Jennifer held up a hand.
“Remember what I said,” she cautioned.
“Right,” said Thor.
“Please don’t be alarmed,” said Jennifer calmly, “but this is my client: Thor Odinson.”
“You didn’t do it right,” frowned Thor.
“I don’t see how-” began Jennifer.
“I AM THOR!” he boomed, “GOD OF THUNDER AND ALL-FATHER OF ASGARD!!!”
“I know, I know,” said Romanoff impatiently, “I heard you the first time. I’m going to have to ask you to leave. This area is under S.H.I.E.L.D. jurisdiction.”
Holy cow, thought Jane, That’s She-Hulk she’s talking to and she isn’t even phased!
“Perhaps,” said Jennifer, “but you still have something that belongs to my client.”
“I beg your pardon?” asked Romanoff.
“Mjolnir is my client’s property,” asserted Jennifer, “It is unlawful for S.H.I.E.L.D. to seize it without a warrant.”
“You must be joking.”
“Government seizure of personal property is no laughing matter, Agent Romanoff.”
“On what grounds does your client claim this is his property?”
“Surely you are aware that there are countless first-hand accounts of him wielding this weapon.”
“There are no such accounts,” scoffed Romanoff.
“That’s not true!” protested Jane, “Sightings of Thor are recorded in plenty of ancient Norse texts!”
“But not this man,” argued Romanoff.
“This man is Thor,” declared Jennifer, “and I intend to prove it in court if necessary.”
“This man is claiming ownership of this artifact,” said Romanoff slowly, “on the grounds that he is THE Norse God of Thunder?”
“Yes.”
“That’s ridiculous.”
“How about this,” offered Jennifer, “You allow my client to try and lift the hammer. If he fails, we needn’t further bother you. If he succeeds, it will prove his case. Either way, we will have our answer.”
“I’m not going to waste my time with this,” said Romanoff, walking away.
“Would you rather this go to court?” demanded Jennifer.
“Why on Earth would you do that?” asked Romanoff, stopping and turning back, “You’d lose in a heartbeat.”
“I will do what I have to to make sure my client sees justice,” said Jennifer, “Even if it means hours of paperwork and days in court. Is S.H.I.E.L.D. willing to do the same?”
Romanoff considered for a moment.
“If I let your client try to lift the hammer,” she said, “Will both of you leave?”
Jennifer turned to Thor. He nodded.
“My client and I agree to those terms.”
“Go ahead.”
“Victory!” declared Thor cheerily.
“No, wait-” began Romanoff, but Thor had already started scaling the fence.
He vaulted over the top, undeterred by the barbed wire. He continued into the crater, sliding down the incline. Jane simply watched in awe. This had to be him, she knew it! The hammer really was magic and now Thor was here to show it! Everyone would know she was right. Everyone would finally believe in the magic she had discovered. She watched in anticipation as Thor reached the bottom of the crater.
She grinned widely as Thor gave her a thankful thumbs up, placed both hands on Mjolnir’s hilt, tensed his muscles to lift, and passed out. Jane gasped. The muscular man who called himself Thor now lay unconscious beside the unmoved hammer.
“Well,” murmured Jennifer, “THAT’S certainly not the outcome I expected.”
***
Thor wearily looked about as his vision faded back. He was looking up at the sky, but it didn’t look like any sky he had ever seen in the Nine Realms. It was a dark shade of green and in almost a constant state of motion, like a fog. He looked about and found himself lying in a seemingly endless field of black sand. Mjolnir, the digsite, and everyone who had been there was nowhere to be found.
“Hello?” he called out, “Is anyone there?”
“I am, brother.”
“Loki!” smiled Thor, spinning around to see his brother.
Loki, in his masculine form, was sitting on a black boulder that Thor could have sworn wasn’t there before. Loki’s masculine form differed from his feminine form, but both had the same unmistakable, focused eyes. He dressed in Midgardian clothes: black loafers, black skinny jeans, a black T-shirt, and a dark green leather jacket. His hair was slicked back and there was a trace of stubble on his chin.
“Where are we?” asked Thor.
“You’re down on Midgard trying to find your hammer,” said Loki, “Don’t you remember?”
“Ah,” realized Thor, “So this is one of your illusions?”
“Nothing gets past you.”
“To what end?”
“Just you wait,” said Loki as he stood, almost giddy, “Sif believes that you’re in danger.”
“You are a fool to try to manipulate Sif, Loki,” said Thor proudly, “She will stop at nothing to find me!”
“Indeed,” nodded Loki, “Nothing, including a little scuffle with your new friends.”
Loki nodded his head to the side. Thor looked over to see a golden archway now stood there. The doorway of the archway was not empty as an archway normally would be, but instead filled with the sight of Jennifer and Jane sitting at a desk in a tent.
“I really thought it was him…” said Jane dejectedly.
“Don’t beat yourself up over it,” assured Jennifer, “I’m the one who got your hopes up.”
“Jennifer Walters!” called out Thor cheerily, “Jane Foster! It is I, Thor! I’m right here!”
“They can’t hear you,” said Loki plainly.
Thor grumbled. The two brothers continued to watch the doorway as Agent Romanoff walked into view and sat across from the two of them.
“How is he?” asked Jennifer.
“Dr. Blake is taking a look at him,” said Romanoff, “We’re not sure what’s wrong, but his vitals seem fine.”
“That’s good,” sighed Jane.
“What were you thinking, Foster?” demanded Romanoff, “Has your fanatic obsession with magic clouded your ability to think rationally?”
“Don’t answer that,” said Jennifer quickly.
“Oh, so you’re her lawyer now?” asked Romanoff.
“I’m just offering her sound advice,” said Jennifer plainly.
“All do respect, Ms. Walters,” said Romanoff coldly, “but your ‘sound advice’ left your last client comatose. I think Foster might be better off speaking for herself.”
“Nothing’s wrong!” called Thor at the archway, “I’m not unconscious! I’m here!”
“They still can’t hear you,”
“Why do they think I am unwell?”
“I enchanted Mjolnir,” explained Loki, “The moment you touched the hilt, you fell into a hypnotic trance.”
“So this is all a dream,” concluded Thor, “and in reality I am still lying out there helpless.”
“Like I said,” smiled Loki, “Nothing gets past you. Now wait: here comes the good part!”
Thor returned his attention to the archway. It flashed as the scene changed from the desk inside the tent to a grassy clearing near the dig site. A shining light of all colors crashed down from the heavens, exploding in a brilliant flash of light as it hit the ground. When the light faded Sif was standing in the field, looking about.
“Lady Sif!”
“They still can’t hear you.”
“I know that!” yelled Thor irritably, “What sort of game are you playing, Loki?”
“Just a classic comedy of errors. Sif believes that Jane Foster means you harm. I wonder what she will think when she sees your unconscious body?”
Thor leapt at the archway, only to pass right through it as if it weren’t there. He then broke out into a run, not knowing where he was going but knowing he wanted to try something. He quickly found himself approaching Loki and the arch again, as if he had come back around the other side.
“That’s not going to work,” said Loki, “but I do applaud the effort.”
“I WILL find a way out of this, Loki!” roared Thor.
“I certainly hope so! It will be much more fun if you do.”
***
“I demand to see my client,” said Jennifer, “I must know that he’s being cared for properly.”
“Sure,” agreed Romanoff after a moment, “Come with me.”
She led both Jane and Jennifer out of the tent that served as her office. They walked about the dig site until they finally arrived at the medical tent, where a single doctor typed away at the computer on his desk while Thor seemed to calmly be sleeping in a bed at the back.
“How is he?” Jennifer asked the doctor.
“Stable,” said Dr. Blake, “Other than being completely unresponsive, he seems perfectly healthy. Exceedingly so, actually. He has the heartbeat of lung capacity of an olympic athlete. Where did you find this guy?”
“Right here,” shrugged Jane.
Everyone turned and looked to the north as they heard a thunderous crash accompanied by exclamations of shock. Romanoff, Jennifer, and Jane rushed out of the tent to see the source of the noise, only to come upon a muscular woman wearing a full suit of armor. She walked down toward the digsite with absolute confidence, looking about.
“Oh great,” sighed Romanoff, “Another one.”
“I’m looking for Jane Foster!” announced the woman loudly.
“That’s me!” volunteered Jane, stepping forward.
The woman drew the enormous claymore off her back. Both Romanoff and Jennifer tensed in anticipation as Jane squealed in fear and turned to run away. Rather than swing her sword, however, she casually used it to hook the back of Jane’s belt as she was running and lifted her off the ground, dangling her int he air.
“I demand to know where you are keeping Thor!” she shouted at Jane.
The tourists and workers all stared in awe, all too amazed by the aura this woman to react. She now stared Jane down with a terrifying intensity. Jane quietly trembled as she dangled from the tip of the sword. Jennifer noticed that Agent Romanoff had placed her hand on her holstered sidearm.
“I’m sorry,” offered Jane meekly, “Who are you?”
“I am Lady Sif,” she declared, flicking her sword and dropping Jane into the dirt, “Esteemed sword of the Asgard’s royal guard and companion to the All-Father himself! Now where is he?”
Jane got up, dusted herself off, and readjusted her pants. Then she and Jennifer led Sif back into the medical tent where they had just been, Romanoff following behind them. Sif rushed to Thor’s side, kneeling beside his bed and resting a hand on his wrist. She gently caressed his face before turning angrily to Jane.
“What have you done to him!?” she demanded.
“Nothing!” insisted Jane, “He was fine until he touched his hammer and then-”
“Liar!” cried Sif, pointing her enormous sword at Jane, “Thor and Mjolnir have been separated!”
Agent Romanoff drew her gun and pointed it directly at Sif. The warrior recognized the threat of the stance and turned her attention to Natasha. Neither woman let up in their intense readiness for combat.
“Stand down,” ordered Romanoff.
“Never!” declared Sif.
“Wait!” begged Jane, jumping between the two of them “I swear, this is just a misunderstanding!”
“Jane, wait!” shouted Jennifer, recognizing the escalation of danger and worrying for the woman’s safety.
“ENOUGH OF YOUR GAMES!!!” roared Sif.
The warrior brought her blade high over her head and swung downward at Jane with all of her strength. The uru blade would surely have effortlessly carved the mortal woman in half had two large, green hands not clapped together on either side of the blade and caught it midair.
She-Hulk had transformed the moment Sif raised her blade. The emerald amazon of a woman now stood between Jane and Sif, towering over both of them. Her shredded suit lay in tatters around her, leaving her only in her white and purple sports bra and shorts. She dug her feet into the ground as she continued to hold back Sif’s full strength, which she was quickly learning was comparable to her own.
“Sorry, lady!” smiled She-Hulk as she managed to push the blade back, “That’s a nice outfit and all, but this ain’t the Renaissance Festival!”
Jane, Romanoff, and Dr. Blake had fled the tent. She-Hulk grinned. Now the fight could begin. She ducked her head to the side as she released her grip on the blade and allowed it to finish it’s swing down harmlessly into the floor. She-Hulk then used Sif’s new unguarded stance to deliver a sidekick directly to her armored torso. She-Hulk used all of her strength, so Sif shot out of the back of the tent and into the hill almost a mile behind the digsite. She-Hulk leapt after her.
She-Hulk came crashing down onto the side of the hill, eyeing the impact crater where Sif presumably landed, now empty. She quickly looked around the area for her opponent. Her answer came in a battle cry from above. She-Hulk strafed to her right as she barely managed to dodge Sif’s blade as she swung it downward into the ground. She-Hulk turned to face Sif and began to deftly dodge the coming sword swipes by stepping back each time Sif stepped toward her and swung the blade.
“Wait a minute,” cautioned She-Hulk, “Let’s talk about this. Maybe we- GAH!”
She-Hulk had backstepped her way to the top of the hill, where the sudden shift in incline threw off her balance. She still managed to dodge Sif’s sword as she swung yet again, but left herself wide open to the shoulder check that Sif administered right afterwards. She-Hulk fell onto her back and gripped the earth with her hands, determined not to not fall down the hill. She looked up in fear as Sif stood above her, blade pointed at her throat.
“For Asgard!” declared Sif.
She-Hulk didn’t know if Sif planned to stab her, but she didn’t give her the chance. She-Hulk’s towering size also came with another advantage. He legs were considerably longer than Sif’s and even longer than her blade. She-Hulk kicked her leg straight up, feeling the clang! as her foot collided with the crotch of Sif’s armor and catapulted her up and over She-Hulk’s head.
“You look ridiculous!” yelled She-Hulk as she got to her feet, “Find somewhere else to LARP, nerd!”
She-Hulk pinpointed where Sif had landed on the next hill over. She leapt up and into the air and landed there beside her. Sif was still on the ground, groaning in pain. The blow had shattered apart the leggings and lower torso of her armor, showing that she had a thick pair of black trousers on under them. As Sif slowly got to her knees, She-Hulk noticed something white beginning to peak out of the back of those trousers. She-Hulk smiled deviously.
“I don’t know about Asgard,” said She-Hulk as she walked over, “but here on Earth, we have a way of dealing with nerds!”
She-Hulk grabbed onto the white fabric and hoisted upward with incredible might. Sif let out a squeal as her britches were thrust into her with absurd force. It instantly lifted Sif up and into the air. The once proud warrior tensed up in discomfort as She-Hulk joyously dangled her back and forth by the underpants before tossing her aside.
“By the gods…” groaned Sif, returning to her feet as she looked over her shoulder at her ruined undergarments, “What manner of technique was that?”
“You like it? ” winked She-Hulk, flexing her muscles, “That’s my signature move: the gamma wedgie!”
“My smallclothes… They’re… Ugh!” grunted Sif as she tugged at the seat and crotch of her trousers, “This is MOST undignified!”
“I know! Hilarious, right?” laughed She-Hulk.
“I do not find it funny…” grumbled Sif, readying her sword once again, “and it is no way to treat a worthy opponent such as myself! I prefer to fight with HONOR!”
“Have it your way, lady,” shrugged She-Hulk, “I can do this all day!”
***
“Raaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!”
Thor’s roar heralded his repeated attempts at running his way out of the illusion. Loki sighed and looked at the sky in boredom. Thor repeatedly ran past him over and over again, continuing his scream the whole time.
“This isn’t working,” panted Thor after he ran out of breath from running at his full speed.
“Correct!” clapped Loki, “You’re on a roll today!”
“Free me from this game, Loki!”
“Oh come on, that would be cheating! You can figure it out on your own. Go on, I believe in you!”
Thor thought for a moment. Then he nodded confidently. He got down on his knees, thrust his fingers into the black soil and began digging. He kept going at it like a mole until he had dug a small hole.
“No,” sighed Loki disappointedly, “No, that’s… No.”
“Come on!” whined Thor impatiently.
“Fine,” conceded Loki, “I’ll give you a hint: interacting with this illusion has gotten you nowhere. Perhaps try something else?”
Thor looked up at the swirling green sky over head. He considered that this was not his real body. He was basically sleeping and just needed to wake up. All he needed to do was do something to himself that would shake him awake. Then he had an idea. Thor thrust his fist into the air, concentrating on the sky. Loki raised an eyebrow and looked up at the sky. His eyes widened as he saw a thundercloud beginning to form.
“He wouldn’t…” whispered Loki.
“By the power of Odin!!!” cried Thor.
There was a loud clap of thunder as the cloud flashed a bright light for a moment and then a deafening BOOM as the lightning raced to the ground and crashed down onto Thor. Loki stared in awe as his brother held his ground, gritting his teeth and convulsing in place as his eyes began to glow with lightning.
Thor jolted straight up, suddenly incredibly focused and alert. Looking around, he could see that he was no longer in Loki’s illusion. Instead, he appeared to be bits of cinder, molten metal, and smoke in the middle of a grassy field. He looked over and saw a small crowd of Midgardians, among them Jane Foster, staring at him in disbelief. She-Hulk and Sid leapt over and approached him.
”Thor!” exclaimed Sif.
Thor turned as Sif rushed to him. He smiled and leaned his face against hers, feeling her soft skin touch his. She pulled away a moment later, wrinkling her nose and looking him up and down.
“What happened?” she asked.
“Another of Loki’s jokes,” said Thor, standing up, “I managed to free myself from his illusion!”
“...by striking yourself with lightning?” asked Jane.
Thor looked about. Lightning appeared to have destroyed the tent his body was being kept in. His clothes were barely staying on his body. They were all burned beyond recognition as they hung off him in tatters. He could still feel the tense static in the air.
“I suppose so,” acknowledged Thor.
“Told you he was fine!” yelled She-Hulk, “Now will you quit trying to kill us!?”
“My apologies,” said Sif, kneeling before She-Hulk “I was told Jane Foster had kidnapped him. I see now that I was wrong. I accept the responsibility for my crimes.”
“Kidnapped!?” asked Jane, “Who told you that?”
“I did!” declared Dr. Blake, approaching the group.
“You didn’t tell me,” said Sif, “It was Loki who- Oh.”
In a flash of emerald light Dr. Blake was gone and Loki’s feminine form stood in his place. She had changed outfits again. Now she wore black boots, black skinny jeans, a green button down, and a black blazer. She chuckled to herself as she joined the group, standing among the ruins of the medical tent Thor had destroyed with his lightning.
“Well done, everybody!” she shouted happily, clapping, “That turned out even better than I could have hoped for! Although Thor, just you know: you also could have escaped the illusion at any point by calling Mjolnir to you. Your method was certainly more entertaining, though!”
The sound of Agent Romanoff clicking back the safety of her gun signalled her arrival at Loki’s side, holding the pistol up to her head.
“Don’t move,” she ordered.
Loki didn’t seem concerned.
“This can’t be real…” muttered Jane, “First Thor, then Sif, now… Loki?”
“This was a poor excuse for a joke, Loki!” shouted Sif, “I could have killed this Jane Foster woman!”
“Relax,” dismissed Loki, “I had everything under control. No one was ever in any danger.”
They all looked around at one another. None of them knew if that was true.
“Come on!” insisted Loki, “It was funny! Don’t you all know a good laugh when you see- HERP!”
Loki’s face contorted in discomfort as she was lifted off the ground butt-first by the back of her underwear. The gold-colored bikini briefs were tightly held in She-Hulk’s hands as she proudly held the Goddess of Mischief up in the air. Loki’s eye twitched in discomfort. The thin fabric of her underwear was cutting directly into her butt and vagina. Thor, Sif, and Jane Foster all doubled over laughing, pointing at the sight of the once-dignified Loki being made a fool by the green giantess before she dropped her into the dirt. Romanoff lowered her weapon and rolled her eyes.
“NOW I see the appeal of this technique!” laughed Sif.
“Charming,” grunted Loki, getting back up and shoving the stretched fabric back into her pants.
“Very well,” sighed Sif, finished laughing, “Now that that is settled, let us return home.”
“What!?” asked Jane, “You’re just going to show up here like this and leave!?”
“Yes,” said Sif.
“Are you kidding!?” continued Jane, “You’re gods!! Actual gods! Who haven’t been here in millenia! Don’t you want to see the world a little?”
“That does sound fun,” mused Loki, “I could use a vacation.”
“And do you not expect to stand trial for your actions?!” demanded Sif.
“Oh, let’s not be hasty,” said Thor calmly, “It was but a joke!”
“You are too forgiving,” frowned Sif, “I have no interest in spending any more time with this degenerate, but you may stay if you like.”
“Say ‘hi’ to everyone for us,” said Loki dryly.
Sif drew her sword and thrust it into the air. A spectrum of light fell down upon her from the heavens, engulfing her in a blinding light. When it cleared she had gone, leaving only a smoldering patch of dirt where she once was.
“Thank you for your services!” said Thor, turning to She-Hulk, “How can I show my appreciation?”
“I don’t suppose you could pay me?” she said back.
“I doubt anyone on Midgard will accept our currency,” said Loki.
“Fine,” sighed She-Hulk, “Let’s just say that between all of you, you owe me a favor. A big one.”
“Agreed!” smiled Thor, giving a thumbs up.
“Great,” she nodded, “Now, I guess I need to book a flight back home...”
“No need,” said Agent Romanoff abruptly, “A trip will be provided to you, courtesy of S.H.I.E.L.D.”
“What’s the catch?” asked She-Hulk immediately.
“Consider it an act of good faith,” she responded, “S.H.I.E.L.D. likes maintaining positive relationships with beings such as yourself.”
“You mean in case you need our help,”retorted She-Hulk.
“If S.H.I.E.L.D. ever requires use of your services,” said Romanoff, “We trust that you’ll understand it is out of the need to protect the world from a greater threat. As such, we hope you will respond to such a call accordingly. All of you.”
Loki and Thor exchanged a glance before looking back to Romanoff, who politely nodded and walked off. She-Hulk bid them farewell and followed suit. Soon it was just Jane, Thor, and Loki as they walked about the hills discussing how the gods would spend their time on Earth.
“We will need a place to stay,” said Loki.
“You can crash with me until we figure it out,” offered Jane, “Now that Mjolnir has been claimed my contract is probably over and I can return to Chicago.”
“Excellent!” exclaimed Thor, “Does Chicago have any podcasts? Jennifer Walters has taught me all about them.”
***
Sif marched past the guards at the palace gates as she proceeded across the courtyard. The sun shined a golden light down on the beautiful, mountainous, grassy paradise that was Asgard. The palace itself was built from a shining gold and stood nobly atop the highest point in the land.
Sif reached the throne room. A small council had gathered, consisting of various warriors and nobilities from across Asgard. They sat at a long table before the throne, enthralled in a tense discussion. At the head of the table sat a massively strong woman with war markings tattooed onto her face. It was Brunhilde, leader of the Valkyries and the strongest among them.
“Lady Sif,” she said loudly, drawing the room’s attention to the arrival, “This is a surprise. Where have you been?”
“Seeking out the All-Father,” she said.
“Where is he?” asked Brunhilde, “In the months since his absence Asgard has gone without rule. I myself have had to personally led the Valkyries in holding off wayward hordes of trolls and giants.”
“He is on Midgard,” said Sif, “He and Loki have… decided to take an extended stay there.”
“Has he?” asked Brunhilde quietly, standing and turning to face the throne, “So we are to go even longer with no All-Father?”
“Ridiculous!” scoffed one of the nobles at the table, “We cannot sit around and wait for him to return!”
“Indeed,” muttered Brunhilde, slowly approaching the throne, “Someone else must take his place if Asgard is to prosper.”
“And you would be All-Mother?” asked Sif, disliking the look Brunhilde was giving the throne.
“Would there be any objections?” asked Brunhilde, slowly sitting on the throne.
The nobles and warriors looked at one another. This was unprecedented, but Brunhilde was right. Someone needed to rule in Thor’s place. Brunhilde’s leadership and dedication to Asgard was unquestionable. Even Sif had to admit it was for the best that she take that throne for the time being.
“And you will yield the throne when the true All-Father returns?” Sif asked Brunhilde.
“...sure.”
***
She-Hulk, Thor, Loki, and Black Widow will return in Avengers: Part of the Team