VIII
Sirius POV
In all honestly, Sirius really needed a break.
But he couldn't exactly do that, as he had to finish correcting 9th grade french tests, and then bring James to get his meds.
James.
Well, wasn't that quite the situation? Sirius is fairly sure that this is their biggest fight to date. And probably third. It was all so messy.
Sirius wanted James to be happy - god knows he deserves it - but he wanted Regulus for himself. When Sirius left all those years ago, he thought he'd left one of his favourite people behind.
Apparently he wasn't the only one with guts.
Sirius was happy Regulus was back in his life, really, but there was so many unspoken words that had built a barrier between them, and Sirius didn't even know where to start on mending their relationship.
He honestly just wished someone would tell him what he was doing wrong, because James and Regulus were angry at him.
And he was fairly pissed at both of them too.
James was dating his brother, and his brother was dating James.
He sighed, starting a new test.
Why were past tense endings so hard to learn to the students? It's not like it was difficult. he'd known them at four.
He buried his face in his hands. He supposed to tests would have to wait, because he was in no fit state to do so.
He heard a knock on his door, and he immediately sat upright.
"C'mon in!" He called, and Annabeth, one of his Year 11 students. He rather liked her, she worked hard and her pronunciation was decent. "Hello Annabeth. Are you okay?"
She nodded her head, and walked in, closing the office door.
"I was wondering if I could speak to you?" She asked, rather nervously, and that surprised Sirius. She was a fairly confident enough person.
"Of course," Sirius replied.
"I need an extension. Please. On the personal essay."
This was the first time she'd ever asked for one, and the pleading look in her eyes told him she wasn't asking because she was lazy.
"You can. One extra week," he said, playing with his hair. He loved how long it was getting. "Is that enough time? I'm always here to help."
Annabeths shoulders visibly relaxed.
"Thank you so much sir," she said, smiling at him gratefully. "There's been a lot going on."
"Well remember, my office is always open," he replied, not wanting to push it.
"Thanks," she said, and her gaze averted to something else. "I like the badge."
He looked down, and saw he'd accidently left his pride pin on his jacket from the weekend. Instead of immediately tearing it off and throwing it away, he grinned at her.
"merci. Je l'aime platôt," he answered, and Anna Beth smiled.
"Au Revoir," she said, and left, clicking the door shut behind her.
Sirius knew she had to be queer. He hoped it comforted her to see an adult be like her.
He still took the badge off.
when he could finally leave work, he met james at the train station. He grimaced. He didn't want to go, not really, but he could see James was going to have an episode sooner or later. James thought he hid it well, but Sirius saw right through him.
Every.
Single.
Time.
"Good day?" James asked, bouncing from foot to foot. See? Episode.
"It was fine, yeah," Sirius said, playing with the badge in his pocket. "Let's go get this over with."
James nodded, and they walked into the pharmacy.
Sirius decided to loiter around as James went to go get his prescription. Emmeline was at the desk, so there wouldn't be any problems.
He decided to take a look at the makeup. Lily didn't like when he took hers.
He looked at the eyeliners wishfully. As much as he wanted to buy the purple, he knew he would never wear it and wouldn't go with anything that he wore.
He looked at nail polish instead, admiring the dark purple he saw.
Okay, maybe his guilty pleasure was the colour purple. No need to judge.
He was debating buying it. After all, it was only Emmeline, and she wouldn't ask "is that for the girlfriend?" Like every other cashier ever when he tried to buy anything remotely feminine.
So much for the 21st century and ladies wanting fem boys.
Sirius decided he would buy it, and picked up a black too.
He went to the counter, and waited beside James for Emmeline to come back.
"Good colours," James said, and Sirius resisted the urge to poke his eyes out. He knew they were good colours. That's why he chose them.
Maybe Sirius was projecting some anger onto James.
So what? James deserved it.
That's what he told himself anyways.
James looked at him reproachfully, but Emmeline came back, meds in hand.
"One a day for both of them," she said, handing James them before turning to Sirius.
"Hi Sirius! What can I get for you today?"
Sirius placed the bottles of nail polish on the counter.
"Perfect. Do you need any allergy tablets? Pollens supposed to be high the next couple of days."
Sirius was fairly sure they had some at home.
"No thanks, I have some at home."
"Great," Emmeline replied. "That's £12."
He payed, and they left together, an uncomfortable silence between them.
"Sirius, I am sorry," James said, and Sirius' heart ached for him. It wasn't his fault.
But Sirius didn't think he could put the blame on himself.
"I know. I'm just scared to talk to him." James had given him Regulus' phone number, but Sirius still had to get around to sending a text.
What do you say to your estranged brother you haven't seen in nine years?
The problem was, Sirius had no fucking clue.
They'd went through so much together, from Sirius standing up for him for something as small as not finishing dinner to Sirius begging Regulus to help him as he watched their mother beat him.
Regulus never was the one for outbursts of confidence. He planned everything.
He knew Regulus blamed him for leaving. But hearing him say it? It broke his heart.
He only wished he could've been there for him. But no, Sirius saw a chance and took it. He couldn't look back, for fear Regulus would ask him to stay one more time.
Because he would've. Anything for Regulus. It didn't matter whether he lived or not. As long as Regulus was safe.
"James? What if Regulus doesn't want to reconcile," Sirius asked as they boarded the train.
"He'd be stupid. From, what you've both said, you both care. And that's enough." Sirius hated the fact that Regulus could've told James stuff from a different point of view. It made him feel as if maybe he could've made up what happened.
Sirius tried to not let it affect him.
"Take your meds," Sirius said, and watched as James placed them in his mouth and swallowed. "Good."
James rolled his eyes, and Sirius tired not to slap the shit out of him. Did James even care that he was going to have another episode? The problem was that none of the meds had the full effect on James. Even as they were growing up, he'd always need the strongest version of something for it to have any effect. Buying painkillers was a pain in the ass.
They didn't speak the rest of the way home, and Sirius wanted to grab him by the shoulders and beg for forgiveness. He hadn't meant to overreact when he found out about James dating him, or get drunk and yell at him. He especially didn't mean to let James drink. But how do you say you're sorry for any of that?
He unlocked the door, and as he put his keys down, James let out a gasp, and Sirius spun around quickly, thinking he hurt himself, but James was holding his phone and smiling.
"Grace said yes! Pete's getting married! OH MY GOD!"
Sirius' jaw dropped in shock. If he was being completely honest, he expected him and Remus to get married first. Or propose. Though, knowing Sirius, he would probably elope with Remus when they've had too much to drink.
But Peter?
Sirius tried to feel happy for him and ignore the jealousy building in his gut.
"Grace actually said yes?!"
James laughed.
"Don't be so rude Pads," James said, swatting his arm.
Sirius grinned, and pulled James into a hug.
"We're gonna be groomsmen. Groomspeople. Whatever," Sirius laughed happily. "D'you think that Grace would let me be a bridesmaid?"
James scoffed.
"As if. She'd be scared you'd outshine her," James laughed, and Sirius couldn't help but think how nice it was. Not to sound vain, but he hadn't been called pretty in a while. Maybe he did put a lot into his appearance, but growing up, the prettier he looked, the more people respected him.
"Better send my congratulations," Sirius said, pulling out his phone. He typed a message, with about twenty exclamation marks, before checking what Remus said.
He'd be home late.
Great.
Sirius sighed, but immediately smiled when he realised James was still smiling. James must've said something and he didn't listen in the slightest.
"Sorry what?" He asked, frowning.
"What do you want for dinner?" James repeated.
Sirius always loved when people asked that question. Growing up, he was never asked, it was whatever was given to you, and it didn't matter if you liked it or not, you didn't leave until you finished your plate.
Like every good mother, Walburga passed on many issues around food to her children.
"I have no clue," Sirius replied, hoping James would come up with a solution himself because Sirius couldn't care less.
"I'll make stir fry," James said, taking vegetables out of the fridge. "We haven't had it in ages. I'll even make noodles. I love noodles. Sirius, are noodles okay? I'll have noodles anyways. I'll even do carrot."
Yep.
Episode.
"Noodles are fine," Sirius said, not even daring to say otherwise, because James like this is fragile. Arguments right now would be dangerous. He was talking too fast, chopping vegetables carelessly, and Sirius watched with baited breath to make sure he didn't slice his fingers off.
Once Sirius was sure James wouldn't end up in the emergency department, he went back to the sitting room in a futile attempt to relax.
When listening to Overdrive still didn't relax him, he decided to do the right thing.
Call Effie.
Effie was his mother. Okay, not his real mother, but had done more for Sirius than his own one ever had. She understood the importance of loving your child, and had welcomed Sirius with open arms long before he had to leave that house.
And he loved her back with his whole heart.
As his phone rang, he picked at his nails anxiously. He really didn't want Effie to know how hurt he actually was by all of this.
She picked up far too quickly for his liking.
"Hello Sirius," she said, and he felt some of the tension already leave his shoulders. She was there.
"Hi Mum," he replied. "You okay?"
"Fine fine. I was just out doing some gardening, I've decided to plant irises," she said, and Sirius smiled. It was such an Effie move. "Now, why don't we address what you need to talk about?"
Damnit.
She knew him too well.
"It's my sister. He's actually my brother. His name is Regulus," Sirius said softly, and he swore he saw Effie's expression change from a smile to a realization frown.
"The same–"
"The very same."
The phone was silent for a moment.
"Well, at least he got out of the house like you wanted," Effie said, and before Sirius knew it, he was crying. "Oh darling, it's going to be okay."
"How?" He croaked. "Regulus hates me, I'm angry at James for dating my brother, and angry at myself for how I reacted, and all I want to do is talk my little brother again."
Sirius tried not to let the silence eat him alive.
"Sirius, being angry is normal. Shock, confusion, sadness, it's all natural. Of course you want to talk to him again. But when you left that night, he was just as scared as you were. I'm sure he'll come around."
Sirius' hands shook slightly.
"He blames me. For leaving. He thinks I left him."
"You were a child."
"But so was he."
Sirius cried harder, and Effie tried her best to make soothing sounds.
"Have you talked to James about it? Asked if he wanted to talk to you?" Effie asked, and Sirius sighed.
"Yes but no. I've apologized for my reaction, but I really, really messed up," Sirius shuddered. "I'm just so angry and sad and I don't know how to deal with that."
"Sirius, I'm sure whatever mistake you made wasn't that bad," she said, and Sirius choked out a harsh laugh.
"James relapsed. And I was there. And I didn't stop him."
There was dead silence from the other side of the line.
Sirius waited for the yelling.
"Sirius, it isn't your fault," She started, but Sirius cut her off.
"But it is! I was drunk, I didn't realize that he was drinking properly and he's going to have an episode. I just know it."
"Sirius, James is a grown adult who can make his own decisions. Yes, he can't always make his own decisions through no fault of his own, but it means that we need to help him. But it sounds like you needed help too. And I'm sorry you felt like you had no one to talk too. I'm glad you're telling me this now.
But it also means we need to think about how to move forward. James will need extra support. Has he been taking his meds?"
Sirius genuinely didn't have the heart to tell her no. He couldn't.
"Yeah, I think most days."
"Good." Sirius could see her nodding as she said it. "Keep your phone on you. And just be there."
Sirius pushed down the building emotions. He'd cried enough for one day.
"Of course."
"Sirius?" Effie asked, her voice gentle.
"Yeah?"
"It's not your fault."
Sirius cried quietly.
"I hope to see Regulus over for dinner sometime," she said, and Sirius tried not to let the grief consume him. Of losing a brother that never died.
"Me too."
He said bye shortly after, as he had lots to think about.
He really should talk to Regulus sooner rather than later.
And apologize to James. Properly.
He decided to resolve the James situation this evening, and leave Regulus to the weekend.
Remus was home in time for dinner, which Sirius was extremely pleased with. He knew Remus loved working in a coffee shop, but he knew a part of Remus wanted more.
More what? He didn't know.
Sirius greeted him with vigor, and Remus hummed happily.
"Have a good day? Remus asked, and Sirius laughed.
"God no."
Remus looked at him funnily.
"Yet your still happy?"
"Well, you're home, so that cheered me up a considerable amount," Sirius said, kissing him softly.
"Dinner!" James said, and Remus broke the kiss off, Sirius doing the same rather reluctantly.
"I'll be there in a minute. Just wanna take my inhaler," Remus told him, and Sirius nodded, and made his way to the kitchen.
Sirius sat down, and they both wanted until Remus was there before starting their food. Well, James said his a prayer first, as always, and James and Remus started talking
He knew the food wasn't unhealthy, but Sirius had already had enough food today. The thought of having to eat anything else absolutely repulsed him.
Eat anything else and you'll be a fat pig.
He needed the voice to stop. It wasn't his.
It sounded so much like his mother but also completely different.
Sirius' arm shook as he tried to get some noodles onto his fork.
He couldn't do it.
Not today.
"I feel sick," Sirius said, pushing his chair out from he table and leaving. He knew James didn't believe him for second, but Sirius couldn't handle the whole 'eating is essential' shit right now.
He lay down on his bed, ignoring the hunger in his stomach. He was too tired to try and fight his own thoughts.
Whipping out his sad playlist, he put it on shuffle and let Conan Gray transport him away for a while.
Remus came in later, and tapped Sirius on he shoulder.
"You okay?"
Sirius smiled, and nodded.
"Well budge up, you're lying right in the middle," Remus said, and lay down beside him. Sirius doesn't know how he got this lucky. Remus was so patient with him. Sirius passed him an earphone, and neither of them said anything.
It wasn't until I lost a friend came on that Sirius remembered he was going to sort things out with James.
He sat up quickly, ignoring the dizziness that came over him. He handed his earphone to Remus.
"I'm going to sort things out with James," he said, and Remus smiled. "Properly."
"See? I told you eventually you'll be ready to talk."
Sirius blushed.
"Wish me luck," he said, making his way to the door.
"You don't need it."
Sirius tried not to let that comment annoy him too much. Remus was just trying to be helpful. Not annoying. Sirius hated how every little comment would fill him with unexplained rage.
Sirius left, and adds his way to James's room, where Remus said he was.
Sirius knocked before entering. He never used to do that. Why had he let it get this bad?
James was on his phone and smiling. Sirius hoped he wasn't texting Regulus. He'd just leave.
"Pete's so happy that Grace said yes."
Sirius relaxed. Not Regulus then.
"I still can't belive it. He's an engaged man."
James nodded.
"Soon he'll be a married man."
Sirius laughed.
"Poor Grace," he said. "Imagine having to put up with him in the morning before coffee."
James just shook his head, a smile on his lips
Sirius shifted from foot to foot. He didn't know how he could phrase any of this.
His head was so load but so silent and he didn't know what to do with it or how to go about forming a sentence.
"James," he said softly, and James looked at Sirius sadly. Like he was the one needing comfort now instead of him.
"Sirius?"
"I'm really sorry. For everything. I didn't mean it. And I know I've said it already, but I need you to hear it." Sirius paused, and took a deep breath in. "I want you and Regulus to have a happy relationship. I really do. But you weren't there growing up. You didn't see it. I protected him for so long, and then I didn't, and now that I've seen him again that's all I want to do. And I also want to protect you. James you've had some really tough times recently and I don't want a relationship to shift the balancing act you have going on in case it turns sour. I don't want either of you to get hurt. But I think that just ended up hurting everyone."
James didn't say anything, and Sirius was scared that he was mad. That he'd realised how fucked up Sirius' thinking was, and had decided he better leave. Sirius knew half the time he froze up, but it was much more difficult being on the receiving end of it.
Before Sirius knew what James was doing, he was being pulled into a hug, the tension leaving his body as James made him feel safe again.
"We're so stupid," James said, and he sniffled. Sirius wondered if he was crying. He knew if it weren't for the fact he had already sobbed his heart out to Effie earlier, he would be crying too. "I'm so sorry that I let this get in the way of our friendship."
Sirius thought that was rather stupid. James had very valid reasons to be angry at him, and Sirius was surprised he hadn't just given up being his friend completely
"I'm sorry too."
Sirius felt he had a lot more to apologize for.
"James, are we back to normal?"
Sirius felt James nod against his shoulder.
"Back in action."
They broke apart, James' face tearstained.
"This might sound silly, but I really missed you," James said, and Sirius nodded.
"Me too."
Neither of them said anything for a bit, and then James sighed.
"I want to go for a run."
"I'll join you," Sirius said, but James cut him off.
"Absolutely not. You didn't have dinner and don't say you already ate because you're even paler than usual."
Sirius huffed. He sometimes hated how well James knew him.
James knew him better than he knew himself.
And maybe he knew James better than himself.
"Fine. I'll stay," he said, pouting slightly just so they were clear that Sirius wasn't happy about it.
"I'm not carrying you home!" James said, and shooed him out so he could get changed.
Sirius sighed. At least he fixed one relationship today.
He'd do Regulus at the weekend.
He went back to the bedroom, and Remus was reading. Sirius rolled his eyes fondly.
"Sorted?"
"Sorted."
"Good. It was weird when you were fighting but not fighting."
Sirius laughed lightly, even though he didn't find it funny at all.
Grabbing the nail polish he bought earlier, he sat down cat his vanity table and began to paint.
He always enjoyed anything to do with painting. He'd been painting a lot recently too: all the James and Regulus drama had kept him awake for multiple nights.
As he covered his nails in purple, Remus came over and kissed his forehead.
"That's really pretty," Remus murmured, and Sirius melted. Pretty was definitely his favourite complement.
"I can paint yours too if you like?" Sirius asked, silently praying Remus says yes. He'd look so good with purple nail polish.
"Why not," Remus replied, and Sirius grinned at him lovingly.
"You won't regret this," Sirius said, letting his nails dry before he touched Remus'. He could absolutely not mess his up. Imagine what his mother would say.
'You're acting like a crossdresser and not even doing a good job of it. We raised you better.
Trying to ignore that, he gently painted Remus' nails. He couldn't have his boyfriend going around with messy purple polish on at work. What would the customers think?
As he painted, they talked about going on a date tomorrow night.
"But it's a Wednesday," Sirius protested, Remus merely rolling his eyes.
"It's not like you have to go to school."
Sirius raised an eyebrow. "I do, actually," he said, faking annoyance.
Remus just sighed. "Do you want to go on a date or not?"
Sirius gasped in mock horror.
Some would call him dramatic, however he preferred 'simply putting the fun back in life.'
"Obviously I want to go on a date with my handsome boyfriend. I'm not criminally insane."
"Yet "
"Jokes on you, you'd still love me if I was criminally insane."
"I know," Remus said, looking at him fondly. "So dinner at woodfire?"
"That would be lovely," Sirius said, kissing him.
Remus melted against him, and Sirius loved it. He'd never get tired of it.
They only kissed, neither of them wanting to go any further.
As they lay in bed, Sirius thought about what he would do if Remus ever broke up with him.
He'd probably cry. For ever. And ever. And ever.
That made him sad. He never liked thinking about it.
He nudged Remus gently.
"Can I have a hug?" He asked.
"Of course," Remus said, turning over, and Sirius rested his head on Remus' shoulder. Remus always made him feel safe. He was like a blanket of comfort that protected Sirius from everything.
"Love you."
"Love you too," Remus whispered back quietly, and Sirius fell asleep in Remus' arms.
*****
Sirius was having a crisis.
A gender crisis.
Which in their humble opinion, was the worst type of crisis.
They were trying to pick out a suitable outfit for dinner, but nothing felt right and they were panicking because they would have to make up their mind soon and currently they were at the biggest loss.
All they wanted to do was curl up into a ball and hide, but they couldn't, so crying on the floor would have to do for now.
It wasn't helping that they couldn't get their mother out of their head, hissing insults and saying they should've killed themselves a long time ago.
It was a tough day.
Sirius decided they had no other option but to just get on with it.
Picking themselves up, they walked over to the dreaded wardrobe and picked out formal jeans and a shirt, avoiding the mirror.
They hated how they couldn't make up their mind. How their mind would change it's mind repeatedly, making them feel like shit one day and another day perfectly fine.
Hated how their body betrayed them. Hated how everyone said 'he' and all he wanted was someone to say 'they.'
Sighing, they washed their face and applied mascara in a futile attempt to feel better.
Remus came in as they were about to leave, and smiled as he looked at Sirius.
"You look amazing love," and Sirius' lip wobbled as the weight of four words threatened to crush them.
"Thank you," Sirius whispered, trying not to cry. "You look quite handsome."
Sirius grinned at the blush that appeared on Remus' cheeks.
"Ready to go?" Remus asked, extending an arm, and Sirius took it, pretending it made him the woman if they were a cis-hetro couple.
"Pronouns?" Remus asked them as they walked to Woodfire, the sun slowly starting to set.
Sirius had no clue what to say. How do you explain to a cis person who's never felt gender dysphoria that all he pronouns in the world feel wrong and toy hope no one refers to you because they'll just get it wrong and you can't correct them otherwise because you yourself don't even know the right answer?
The answer is you can't. So you just say they/them.
"They/them is fine," Sirius replied, and Remus squeezed their hand to show that he knew.
They arrived, and sat down, getting their favourite booth in the back.
"Well isn't this excellent," Sirius said, grinning. "Our favourite spot."
There wasn't any particular reason why this was their favourite, it was just comfy and the lighting was good.
Their waitress came back, menu's in hand.
"Can I take drinks now or wait with food?" She asked, and Sirius couldn't help but admire her earrings. They were two records. It looked cool.
"Now, please," Remus said, immediately going for a coors light.
"I'll have a glass of Pinot Grigio, please," Sirius said, and the waitress nodded and went off.
Now the real challenge started. What pizzas did they order.
"I'd really love to get one barbeque," Sirius said, looking at Remus hopefully.
"If that means I get to order the goats cheese," He replied, and Sirius nodded in agreement.
"That was quick," they said.
"That's because we actually agreed for once."
"Everyone knows what two pizzas you order immensely affects how the rest of your evening goes. Order a bad combo, and you sit there sulking into your beer. Get a good one, and you don't even mind that they don't serve ice cream with their brownies."
Remus rolled his eyes.
"You'll never get over that, will you?" He asked, and they nodded.
"It's a crime not to have a warm brownie served with ice cream," Sirius replied, the waitress coming back with their drinks.
"Ready to order?" She asked, and Remus nodded.
"Can I have the goats cheese pizza please?"
"Of course," she said, scribbling it down.
"I'll have the barbeque chicken please," Sirius said, and she smiled.
"Anything else?"
"No. Thank you."
Sirius smiled happily. They were here with his boyfriend. And James and them were friends again.
As they discussed the latest political scandal and the group of punks who come in the Remus' cafe to get vanilla lattes each day, Sirius couldn't help but think about how maybe it didn't matter what they wore, as long as they were with Remus. Remus looked at him adoringly even with their bed hair. And their bed hair was bad.
When the pizzas arrived, Sirius immediately took a slice of theirs and sighed with happiness as they tasted the delicious invention called pizza.
"God I love the Italians," Sirius said, eating their pizza contently.
"God do I love the French," Remus quipped back, and Sirius felt a blush creep up on their cheeks.
"God I love tall lanky Welsh lads," Sirius laughed, and Remus ducked his head in embarrassment. "Especially when they have beautiful sandy brown hair and--"
"faire taire," Remus said, using some of the little French he knew.
Sirius groaned. His pronunciation was terrible.
"Go back to your goats cheese," Sirius laughed, taking a slice of it to see how good it really was.
It was really good, and Sirius couldn't believe how stupid they were not to order it earlier.
As they finished discussing jobs and internet gossip, Sirius decided to bring up James, and see if Remus had noticed the shift in James' behavior.
"Do you think James has been acting differently?"
Remus didn't reply for a moment.
"Yeah, but I think it's just from the stress of arguing with everyone," He replied, and Sirius couldn't help but feel guilty. But their gut was telling them that wasn't it.
"But do you really?"
"I wish it was the reason," Remus replied quietly, and Sirius knew it was confirmed. "I saw the same burn mark as you. But at least it's only small waves. We can handle them together."
"But what if they get out of control? Remus, his meds aren't nearly as effective enough as they should be, and his dosage can't be upped too much in case of an overdose. I don't want to imagine another episode so soon. I don't want him to be hospitalized again," They said, looking at Remus sadly. James and his manic episodes really scared Sirius. But they couldn't show that, it would be considered selfish. It's not like they were the one going through it.
"If James has to be hospitalized, it means he will ge the care you or I cannot give him as we aren't qualified. I'd rather him hospitalized than with us and unsafe," Remus said, taking Sirius' hands. "All we can do is be there for him and support him the best we can. The weight of it all doesn't have to lie on your shoulders."
Sirius swallowed the desperate reasoning in their throat.
"It's just that he took care of me."
"Because he was able too. You aren't expected to be responsible for James when he isn't in the right space of mind."
They blinked rapidly, making sure tears weren't shed.
"You're so good at giving advice," they told Remus, who only smiled.
"If only I listened to myself," Remus replied, and Sirius nodded.
"You really are just one big hypocrite," they teased, and Remus just smiled that cheeky smile he does when he knows what someone says about him is true.
They shared a dessert like the complete lovey-dovey couple they were, but had to order another as they absolutely scoffed down the chocolate mousse.
Sirius loved date nights. Not just because they always ended in sex, but because it gave them time to catch up properly.
As they walked home hand in hand, they thought about how nice it would be to marry Remus. They wouldn't say it out loud, but one day they wanted to propose on the beach at sunset.
And get married in a small quaint hotel that would make their mother pass out if she ever saw what Sirius would wear.
After what felt like an eternity, they finally made it to their bedroom, and Sirius quicky undressed Remus, hoping they would get lost in the delight that was known as Remus John Lupin.
*****
When Saturday finally rolled around, Sirius was extremely nervous to talk to their brother. James had seen him yesterday, and had tried to give Sirius his honest thoughts on how Regulus would reply.
"He's gonna be angry, so you've got to stay calm and show how much you care about him," James said, and Sirius nodded along, their stomach doing flips with nerves.
Sirius really hoped they'd sort this out with their brother. Or well, at least start too.
There wasn't just nine years of no contact to work through: there were the years leading up to Sirius' departure to factor in. They hadn't been in the best of terms then.
The train came to a stop all too quickly, and they got off, typing in the eircode to Google maps in hope of not getting lost.
They did manage to find the right apartment, and sent James a picture, who responded with 'good luck' and four stars.
Sirius definitely stood outside the door for a good ten minutes, trying to work up the courage to knock. They didn't want to fight with him.
Theu knocked gently, hoping that was a good start.
When they heard footsteps approaching the door, it took everything in them not to shout in happiness.
When Regulus opened the door, he took one look at Sirius, scowled, said 'no' and the door was shut in their face.
So, not the best start.
"Regulus, please," Sirius pleaded, just wanting to sort things out with him. They'd wasted nine years already, they couldn't lose anymore. "I miss you."
"I'm angry at you," was Regulus's response.
"I'm angry at me too. I'd apologise, but I know that doesn’t resolve nine years of resentment. But I'm sorry anyways. I missed you everyday."
Silence.
"I missed you too."
Sirius's heart soared.
"Then let me in."
It was almost like they were able to see Regulus rolling his eyes in the silence that followed.
"Please?" Sirius asked, sighing with relief as he heard the door unlock and Regulus's head poked through.
"This doesn't mean you're forgiven," Regulus huffed, rather reluctantly leading Sirius to the sitting room.
It was quite a nice apartment, not too bright to go against Regulus's personality, but not too dark to look cold and uninviting. The sitting room was painted a dark beige with one dark green wall, and a large bookshelf.
It screamed Regulus.
"I could say the same thing," Sirius muttered, and Regulus tensed up.
"At least you weren't the one left alone in that house."
"At least I risked my life to make sure you were safe."
Regulus glared at them.
"That's not fair. I never asked you too."
"And I never wanted to leave you. I wanted-- I Needed too," Sirius snapped, sitting down on an armchair while Regulus sat on the couch.
"So did I."
"I begged you!" Sirius cried in frustration, fed up of having to say it. "Do you not remember that part? Thr part was I was barely conscious, bleeding heavily and black and blue, crying as I asked you to run away with me? They found out I was gay, Regina- Regulus. They was nothing I could do. They would've killed me." Sirius let out a bitter laugh.
Regulus looked down, and then upped and left without saying a word.
"Where the hell are you going?" Sirius asked him, rather incrediously.
"To get wine," he replied dryly. "I'm not doing this shit sober."
Sirius agreed to that.
Regulus came back, glasses and bottle of wine in hand, and sullenly poured two glasses.
"To dysfunctional families," Sirius said, raising their glass before drinking.
Regulus raised his too, and Sirius couldn't help but think maybe they could have a relationship after all.
"So where we?" Sirius said lightly, after a minute of just sitting there taking their brother in. It was still a shock to see him, no matter how much they thought about it. "Oh yes, I was justifying my departure. You know they would've killed me eventually."
Regulus sighed.
"What about me? I'm trans and gay. I'm certainly dead," he laughed bitterly, taking another sip.
"It's not a competition." Sirius wanted to tell their brother so badly that they were genderfluid, just to one up him. But for once, Sirius was going to try and be the bigger person. "I gave you an outlet to leave."
Regulus uttered out the words Sirius had been waiting to hear.
"I was too scared," Regulus said, looking Sirius dead in the eye, sitting up straight. "Happy? I know I was a coward. I didn't realise how much you were protecting me until all of a sudden I was on my own."
Sirius relished being told that. They had done a good job. They had protected the one person they loved in that fucked up family.
"I'm sorry for leaving."
"I'm sorry for staying."
"I hate you for leaving."
"I hate you for staying."
Regulus glared at them.
"Mum and Dad never discussed you after you left," Regulus said nonchalantly, like the didn't just pull the knife out of his heart.They'd always hoped that they had talked about it being a mistake. "Only to say to me 'don't be like Sirius, he's a disgrace.'"
He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He.
Sirius really couldn't take it today. It was just too much. Usually, they're able to grin and bear it, but this time it hurt too much.
Blinking back tears, they tried to think of what to say next.
"Why didn't you stop them? When they were hurting me?" They asked, slightly afraid to know the answer.
"Because you were in so much pain, and you were so strong, and all I thought 'if Sirius can't take it, how am I supposed to?'" Regulus whispered, looking genuinely distressed but also trying to look impassive. "I was so scared. I didn't know how you ever stood up to them."
Sirius never thought about it too much. When you grow up in a household where the toxic parents mood influences everyone else's mood, eventually you have too explode too, and realise the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
"I just stood up to them loudly. You were always quiet, praying to go undetected to avoid punishment."
"I always wondered why you put yourself through all of it," Regulus responded, looking at them.
"Because my worst fear was being like them," Sirius said. "Still is," they laughed dryly, not finding it funny at all. Their parents were so fucked up, and Sirius would rather jump head first into a pack of lions than ever become too similar.
But it sometimes scared them how similar they were to their parents: they had their mother's temper and their Dad's indifference. Their mother's aggressiveness and her cruel words.
And fuck did it scare them. To think that they could have children but end up repeating the endless cycle of the abused becomes the abuser.
"If you'd stayed quiet they wouldn't have been as bad," Regulus said, and Sirius' temper flared, and how they hated it.
"Is it better to speak or to die?" Sirius asked sharply, no waiting for an answer. "Because people always speak but I spoke and died anyways. And you died because you didn't speak. What happens if you speak and you die because of it? When you peak and die because you realise no one is listening. No one cared. I had decided if I was going to die I was going to die because I spoke, and not because I stayed quiet and let them suffocate me. We were given losing cards from the start, so we had to steal from others. I stole from James, and you stole from me," Sirius said, holding up a hand to silence Regulus' inevitable protests. "I'm not saying it in a bad way, it's just how it was. Even now, I feel their presence threatening to crush me because they're always there, reminding me I'm disappointing them. Telling me I'm insufficient. Over and over and over again."
Sirius broke off, feeling tears threatening to spill.
"Yet you still left me. Knowing what they could do. And you left."
Sirius couldn't handle it anymore. Why had he thought this would be a good idea? All they were getting out of this was confirmation bias. Crying, they stood up and leaned in close to Regulus' face.
"I tired to get you out. Even after I left. I begged Effie. We tried to go to the police but our parents are so highly protected to make a claim would've cost six thousand alone. What don't you understand? I never stopped loving you. I tired. I'm so sorry I'm also insufficient in your eyes," they half sobbed, half yelled in Regulus' face, before standing up and grabbing the wine bottle, ready to make a run for it.
Heading towards the door, they were stopped by Regulus, who looked panicked.
"Don't leave for a second time," Regulus begged. "The first was bad enough."
In that moment, something in Sirius broke, and thwy ended up on the floor, crying into Regulus' arms, who was whispering platitudes.
"I'm sorry! I didn't mean--" Regulus was at a loss of what to say. Sirius saw why. His older sibling who never cried growing up, at least not in front of him after getting a beating, breaking down because Regulus was angry at them. "I had to listen to them talk about you. 'He's a disgrace. He was an ungrateful little brat. He's--'"
"Stop," Sirius said quietly, possibly crying harder. It hurt so much to hear Regulus say 'he,' especially him being trans himself. And because they used to be so close. It's always harder to hear it out of someone's mouth who supposedly care about you. It was like Regulus was driving a rapier deeper into his chest with each word. "Please stop saying that."
"I'm sorry," Regulus said, sounding genuinely apologetic. "I didn't mean to tell you all the shit they said."
Sirius sometimes if Regulus was brain dead.
"Not about that you numpty! Say 'he' one more time and I will actually lose my mind!" They snapped, taking another rather large swing of wine. They wished the wine would work quicker. They really needed that fuzzy comfort of feeling happy.
They saw the cogs working in Regulus' mind, who started laughing.
"Don't tell me our conservative Christian parents raised not one, but two trans gays?" He grinned, and Sirius didn't have the energy to pretend to laugh.
"First of all, if I was trans I would be the straightest girl out there. Two, trans but not trans," Sirius said, and Regulus just furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. But Sirius became painfully aware that they were still on the floor, so they stood up. "Genderfluid."
"Figures," Regulus said, smiling. "You loved trying in my dresses when Mother wasn't around."
Sirius blushed. "And you rather loved trying on my suits."
"We really ignored the signs as children."
"The closet was made of glass."
"Bold of you to assume there was ever one," Regulus muttered, both of them knowing that couldn't have possibly ever been the case. "So, your pronouns."
"They/she," they said, the she coming out naturally. She thought it would feel nice. Instead of an ugly man crying it was a pretty lady.
"James didn't tell me."
"James would never out someone," Sirius smiled, taking comfort that James wasn't going around telling everyone he knew. Who knew what sort of transphobic pricks would be lurking around. "He's too kind."
"He's too good for me," Regulus said, taking the bottle from his and drinking.
"That's not necessarily true," They replied, hoping to erase Regulus' doubts. "You're good for each other if you bring out the best in each other."
Regulus was silent.
"We used to fit together," he said, looking at Sirius. "Then you flew too close to the sun and got burned."
"There's so many layers of meanings in that," Sirius said, rather liking it.
"It's the point."
They moved back to the sitting room, cracking open another bottle of wine. Sirius felt the fuzziness start to creep in. At last.
"Did you ever regret leaving?" Regulus asked, and Sirius knew he wasn't going to like her answer. Oh well. The alcohol had kicked in, and they didn't have as much control over what she said or done.
"Not enough to go back."
Regulus narrowed his eyes.
"I don't know what else I expected. tous les mêmes," Regulus spat. "Bet you just loved having James take care of you and being a big happy family without me!"
Sirius laughed. As much as James helped them, she helped James just as much.
"If I went back, I wouldn't have come out alive," she said, her temper flaring at the audacity of Regulus. "Secondly, my friendship with James wasn't always easy. And, how could we be a happy family if you weren't there? Je T'aime."
Sirius watched as Regulus struggled for words with a grim satisfaction.
"Oh yeah, being besties with James Potter was sooo hard," Regulus snapped. "Meanwhile I was here getting beat up. So sorry. Want me to comfort you on having a perfect best friend."
"How the fuck would being best friends with someone who had undiagnosed bipolar be easy? What the fuck Regulus? It's a mental illness! How could you say that while dating James?" Sirius was nearly screaming, her chest rising and falling quickly. "James and I only had each other. He was getting diagnosed with Bipolar and I was being diagnosed with depression at the same time. je voulais me ssuicider."
Sirius hadn't realised that Regulus had fallen silent.
"James has bipolar?" He asked quietly, and Sirius realised in absolute horror that James hadn't told him, but also slightly offended Regulus skipped over the whole 'i was suicidal' part.
James and his perfectionism. Sirius should've guessed.
"Why didn't he tell me?" Regulus asked, getting angry, but Sirius wasn't listening properly. All she could think about was how they'd went and messed up James' life. again. "well!"
"Because James hates it! Would you like to feel emotions with such intensity? I've watched him episode after episode, and it's one of the most heartbreaking things I have ever seen. James tried to ignore it, pretend he's normal, but he's not, and it kills me to see him purposely avoiding his problems."
Sirius nearly started crying. They'd never forget the hospitalizations, or when he would walk into the bathroom and see James, a mess on the floor.
Regulus looked at him sadly.
"I wasn't told."
shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit.
Sirius hadn't meant to mess up James' relationship. They really felt like a shit friend.
"Shit. I didn't know you didn't know! Of course James would keep this from you! It took him five years to tell Marlene! And he kept it from you that time--"
"What time?" He asked sharply, and Sirius wanted to shoot herself right there and then. So she decided not to lie and just be honest with him. Technically, James told them to be honest.
"The picnic date. The day you were supposed to go James had a massive breakdown."
Regulus was silent for a moment.
"Well shit," Regulus said, looking at them. "No fucking surprise you were suicidal."
"James wasn't the cause!"
Regulus nodded. "I know."
Sirius realised they had to tell James that Regulus knew, and was okay with it.
Actually, they had no clue if that was true.
"You're okay with James having Bipolar?" She asked, and Regulus was offended.
"Why would it be a problem? I'm only angry he didn't tell me. When was he planning to do it, after another episode?"
"James likes to wish that each episode will be his last," Sirius said quietly.
"You're really bad at keeping secrets," Regulus told them.
I know.
"I'll talk to you tomorrow," Sirius said, and they awkwardly said goodbyes. "I promise we can an make this work." She hugged him and felt Regulus stiffen before relaxing.
"Please."
Sirius walked out with a lot of things to think about.
They couldn't believe Regulus missed them. They'd thought it had been one sided for years.
It filled them with such a large amount of joy all they wanted to do was hug Regulus forever.
Thinking about their childhood made Sirius really sad. It wasn't filled with love or acceptance. It was filled with punishment and hatred and spite. They hated that Regulus went through the same thing.
When they opened the apartment door, they resolved to tell James what newly received information Regulus had about him.
"James?"