VII
Regulus didn't show up to Astronomy on Thursday.
That hurt worse than Remus yelling at him while he was drunk.
Sirius had apologized profusely, but James brushed it off. It was his fault really. He wanted to drink. So he did. It's not like a drunk Sirius would've talked him out of it.
But he couldn't shake the shame he was feeling like he had really done something bad. Maybe God was punishing him. Karma was a thing he strongly believed in.
But Regulus not being there sucked nonetheless.
James was starting to think Regulus wouldn't ever forgive him.
So he knew he had to do something big. On Saturday, a week marking the disastrous event that changed everyone's lives, James decided to put his game plan into action.
He had convinced Sirius not to go to Regulus' apartment, as it really would only make things worse.
Sirius had reluctantly agreed.
He bought the prettiest roses he could find: pricky to touch, but beautiful to look at, like Regulus, and a box of Butlers chocolates for proof of his dedication.
He hoped Regulus would listen to him. He had thought about what he was going to say since Thursday, and was sure he had it right.
Flowers, a big apology and reminders that James really did like him.
It was going to be fine.
******
By the time Saturday came around, James really wanted to back out. He didn't want Regulus to get mad at him.
But he also didn't want to lose Regulus forever.
He couldn't stop the thoughts spinning around his head as he walked towards his apartment.
What if Regulus just shut the door in his face? Or even worse, Regulus wasn't there? James wasn't sure if he'd have the confidence to try again. What if Regulus just fought with him and they never made up?
James couldn't make them stop. He was supposed to pick up his meds last week, but he just didn't.
He only had himself to blame.
He shook his head vigorously, trying to get the thoughts out. When he was unsuccessful, he sighed, and approached Regulus' door.
James tried to tell himself it would be okay.
Regulus would listen.
James ignored that his hand was shaking as he knocked on the door.
He waited with baited breath as he heard gentle footsteps approaching the door.
As the door started to open, James prepared himself.
Breath in.
Breath out.
He would be okay.
"Hi!" James said, and watched as Regulus laid eyes on him.
It was a look of distaste.
James lost about half his confidence.
"I'm on a peace mission. I brought chocolate," James said, grinning, hoping he at least looked like he knew was he was doing. Because he had no fucking clue.
"James, I didn't answer your text for a reason," Regulus responded dryly.
James sighed.
"I know. But I want to talk. Clear the air. I miss you," James said earnestly, and he saw that Regulus was beginning to crack.
"Talk fast," Regulus replied sharply, and James nodded. He didn't care that he wasn't being invited in, he was just happy that Regulus was listening to him.
That was enough.
"I miss you. I miss the way you try to hide a smile when I complement you. I miss the way your hand feels in mind. I know I messed up, and you feel that I took Sirius away from you, but I swear, Regulus Arcturus Black, I will do anything to make it up to you," James said, looking him in the eye.
Regulus looked down.
"Even if it means we have to break up," he continued, and Regulus shot him an offended gaze.
"Why would I do that?"
James just gaped at him.
"You literally said last week you hated me! And i was the reason you and Sirius didn't have a good relationship! Do you remember any of that?"
Regulus stared him down.
"Yeah, but maybe I was just getting my point across," he replied.
"So, you don't not want to see me ever again?" James asked, and Regulus nodded.
"I need time," he replied, and James couldn't help but shake his head in despair. He needed a clear answer. His mind was going this way and that way. What he really needed was to remember to pick up his medicine.
"I'm angry at you. And Sirius. And myself," Regulus confessed, and turned away, as if a moment of vulnerability was something to hide. "It's, a lot to process. I thought I'd never see Sirius again. Or meet James Potter."
James tired not to grin in amusement.
"You just really hate me," he said.
"used," Regulus corrected. "Much to my dismay, I've grown rather fond of you."
James smiled hopefully.
"But, I'm also mad at you because Sirius turned to you and not me."
James opened his mouth, but Regulus glared at him.
"I'm not finished," he said sharply. "But I was a little dipshit. But I always wished he would've come back for me so we could be together. Like Sirius said, we were only children trying to stay alive in that environment, but I had to blame someone."
James reached forward to comfort him, but Regulus shyed away.
"No. I don't need to be comforted."
James looked at him sympathetically.
"That doesn't mean you shouldn't receive it," James said, and Regulus looked at him skeptically.
"Why don't we talk about you?" Regulus asked, and James felt terror in his stomach. Did Regulus know? Did Sirius let it slip?
He honestly thought he was going to be sick.
"You told me you weren't perfect, and said you didn't want to talk about your problems? Hmm? What's with the alcohol then?"
James was so relieved it wasn't the bipolar he hardly registered what Regulus said.
"That's not relevant to why you're angry at me," James said, and Regulus let out a frustrated laugh.
"Yes it is actually! I told you so much! It feels like you want to get to know me by you don't want me to know you," Regulus said, and James saw now what Regulus was seeing.
A hypocrite.
"I'm sorry," James replied. "I just didn't want you to know that I used to depend on alcohol to cope, became sober for over a year and then messed it up four days ago. Because that's a now problem. You being trans isn't a problem."
Regulus softened.
"James, come inside."
James happily walked in, and they sat down in the sitting room, leaving the flowers and chocolate on the coffee table.
"Are you angry I'm Sirius' brother?"
James blinked.
"No! But Sirius is. They said I broke the bro code. But I think they just miss you."
Regulus put his face in his hands.
"And I'm angry at you because you're James."
"See, everyone is angry at me. I think you need to have a civilized conversation and try and get near the same wavelength. Because obviously they'll be some bitterness, but if you want a relationship with Sirius again, you're going to both have to put in the work," James suggested, and Regulus moved slightly closer to him, so James was about to pat him on the shoulder in a very straight boy way.
"I miss him," Regulus said softly.
"Sirius misses you too." James was avoiding using pronouns, because he didn't actually know what they were today, and secondly, Regulus didn't know.
"He's so angry at me," Regulus said, and James put his arms around Regulus, and Regulus moved in closer.
That was when James knew he wasn't getting dumped.
He grinned happily despite the situation.
"Sirius is angry at the world, I think," James replied. "That's what happens when you go through the shit you've went through."
"I wish I didn't put myself through that," Regulus said quietly. "Staying, that is."
James cuddled him.
"Me too."
They sat like that, neither of them speaking, letting themselves get lost in the silence.
But James' mind was far from silent.
All he really wanted was forgiveness. From Regulus, from Sirius - from anyone really.
He just needed reassurance that he wasn't a complete douchebag.
"Do you think you'll ever forgive me?"
Regulus looked at him.
"For what?" He asked, his eyes landing on James' face carefully.
For everything that I haven't told you.
I'm really sorry you've to put up with me.
"For being James Potter." For drinking. For lying. For being Sirius' friend. For doing something wrong.
Regulus didn't look away, but wasn't looking at his eyes anymore.
"It's not that you did something wrong, it's just.
Sirius liked you more than me. And it hurt as a child. Because I would always choose him. But he didn't choose me. And I don't think you need to say sorry, " Regulus said, and stroked James' hair softly. "Usually I hold grudges for longer."
"You're still holding one against Sirius."
Regulus laughed.
"Of course. He left. He's my brother. He was supposed to stay. He never tired to contact me. Obviously I'm angry," Regulus said, and James could tell it was a strong dogma Regulus had.
He wasn't going to argue. It wasn't James' relationship to mess with. Sirius and Regulus both wanted to reunite, and that was enough.
James knew all too well that healing takes time.
"But you do want to repair the relationship, oui?" James said, and Regulus smiled a little at the French.
"Of course. I think it might take a lot of time," Regulus said. "And a lot of alcohol," he joked, but James tensed up, and Regulus cursed inwardly.
"Shit. Sorry. Do you want to talk about what you said earlier?" Regulus asked, and James put his chin into the crevasse of Regulus' collarbone coyly.
James really didn't want too. All of a sudden the window because very interesting.
"I don't really do that. Ever."
"You're just like me," Regulus said, shoving him softly. "Stop."
James laughed slightly.
"You really don't wanna know."
"I really do. I'd rather you tell everything that bothers you instead of letting it fester in that pretty brain of yours," Regulus said, and petted James' hair affectionately.
"Who are you and what have you done with Regulus Black?"
Regulus looked at him dryly.
"I've been thinking a lot in the past week," he said. "And life's too short to be pretending to hate your handsome ass."
"I love this show of affection," James said happily, and they adjusted their position so James ended up with his head in Regulus' lap.
Regulus smiled happily.
"It's all a ploy for your to open up to me."
James raised his head in disbelief.
"How come I didn't have to do that with you, a literal living hermit?"
Regulus sighed.
"Because I open up to someone I like. You close yourself off because you're scared. I open myself up so you don't find out later and leave," Regulus replied.
James thought about it for a moment.
And it made a lot of sense.
"You should be a therapist," James replied. "You read people well."
Regulus didn't reply, and James knew he was waiting for James to tell him something.
James found it ironic that he wanted to be drunk for this conversation.
Or on meds. He kinda missed the feeling of stability, believe it or not. That was a first. He usually took pride in the fact that the real him couldn't be stopped by a couple of pills.
"I just messed up. It's no big deal. I can start again," James said, and Regulus couldn't stand the fact that it sounded so robotic. Like if James said it enough it would come true. "It's not like I had planned to never drink again. I knew I would. I guess it just wasn't supposed to do with Sirius."
The edge of sadness in the last line hurt. James knew Sirius felt bad, and if James was being honest, he was glad he did. He had been sober for over a year. And now it was gone.
Neither of them moved, and eventually Regulus sighed.
"Do you want to get a Chinese?"
James found it strangely endearing. He grinned.
"Of course."
Regulus got up, much to James' dismay to get the menus.
He immediately checked for spring rolls.
He loved spring rolls.
He looked over at Regulus, who was staring at the menu intensely.
"Are you trying to make the menu disintegrate?" He asked, teasing.
"Yes, actually."
"Oh well, in that case, continue on."
Regulus sighed.
"What are you ordering?" He asked.
"Spring rolls and egg fried rice. I love Spring rolls. If you could marry food, I would marry spring rolls," James said, and Regulus rolled his eyes as James made a kissy face to him.
"Anyways, moving on from that love confession," Regulus said, ignoring James, who was making faces. "I'm going to get sweet and sour prawns because it's one of the two things I've eaten from here," Regulus replied, and went to order the food.
James smiled happily. Sirius may have still been angry with him, but Regulus wasn't, and that had to count for something.
Regulus came back, and James grinned at him.
Regulus sat down, and before he could process what was happening, Regulus was kissing him fiercely.
James hadn't realized how much he'd missed it.
Regulus was oh so beautiful.
James kissed him back, and Regulus sat in his lap greedily.
James didn't understand how he could want someone so badly.
He wanted Regulus to take him apart piece by piece and put him back together in his own unique way.
Regulus put his hands up James' shirt, and all he could think of was more more more.
But he knew Regulus may not be ready. And he respected that.
All to soon, the doorbell rang with the food, Regulus reluctantly went to go get it.
They both happily traded food back and fourth, and James loved how familiar and comfortable it felt. It was as if they'd done it a hundred times.
James wouldn't admit it out loud, but in the moment, he preferred Regulus to the spring rolls.
Maybe it was to do with the fact the spring rolls were soggy.
Either way, he wouldn't admit that.
Obviously.
When they finished, Regulus' eyes flicked to the bedroom guiltily.
"Let me tidy this up," Regulus said sharply, and went to grab James' empty container.
James placed a hand on his gently.
"Why don't we do it together?" He asked, and Regulus stared at him like he had three heads.
James thought it would be sweet. But maybe Regulus thought it was really stupid and awkward.
"mujhe kshama karen," James said hurriedly, and Regulus blinked at him.
James had forgotten what language they'd been communicating in an hour ago.
"Sorry! Sorry! Hate when that happens," James mumbled, and Regulus smirked.
"pourquoi êtes-vous désolé? vous êtes si belle."
" That's really fucking hot."
They moved towards each other, the empty food containers gone.
James hadn't thought someone could kiss this good.
Regulus put his hands up James' shirt, and broke apart from him for a minute to whisper one sentence.
"Please put your hands up my shirt."
James immediately complied, and immediately felt the warmth of Regulus as he touched him.
Regulus touched him with urgency, but James touched Regulus like he was a divine statue.
James felt his binder, and immediately lowered his hands so he could still feel contact with his skin.
Regulus pulled him closer.
"Can we move to the bedroom?" He asked, and James nodded, in complete shock.
"I need you to say it. I need to know it's mutual."
James laughed. A genuine, happy delighted laugh. Here was Regulus. Shy, happy Regulus.
his Regulus.
"Yes. Yes yes yes," James said breathlessly, and let himself be lead to the bedroom.
As he lay in Regulus' bed after, he couldn't help but just admire him.
They were spooning, and James was holding Regulus carefully. He hadn't wanted to take off his binder, so he was still in it, and James could feel his chest rising and falling slowly. His hair was messed up, and James presumed his was the same.
He was really fucking happy.
He knew he was a bit too happy, and tried to ignore the crushing guilt he had because Regulus still didn't know.
And they'd just had sex.
James really didn't want to think about it.
He'd really grown attached to him, and if Regulus was mad because of James....
James would've really appreciated if his head would just shut up.
He sighed, and Regulus took his hand.
"You okay?"
"Just tired," James lied.
"Dorcas talked about you earlier on in the week," Regulus said, and James smiled. He really was glad that Dorcas put in a good word.
"Oh yeah? When was that? What did she say?"
"Thursday. Found me sulking," Regulus said, turning so now James could look into Regulus' eyes.
"I missed you on Thursday."
Regulus grimaced.
"Sorry about that. It was a bit petty," Regulus said, reaching to move one of James' curls away from his eyes.
"It's okay. We were learning about this unicorn constellation. I don't think you would've liked it."
Regulus laughed softly.
"Monoceros. Always hated that one. I could never see it," Regulus said. "Dorcas said you came over for dinner on Tuesday?"
James nodded.
"I'm friends with her girlfriend, Marlene. We work together actually. But she was happy to know I was your James. Said she'd heard good things about me from Marlene and from you. I think she was pleased over the fact you weren't dating some ugly bloke."
Regulus swatted his arm.
"She's... protecting. I've known her a long time. I met her pre transition, everything. She's good. I'm glad that she's dating your friend Marlene. She seems nice. I want her to be happy."
James kissed his cheek softly.
Regulus sighed, and moved.
"I have to take off my binder," he said, slowly standing up. "I'm not messing my ribs up so close too the surgery."
He went to the bathroom to change, and James didn't take any offense.
But then he wondered what surgery. He presumed top surgery, but he couldn't be sure.
Regulus came out of the bathroom, wearing an oversized shirt, and James smiled at him.
"You're so pretty. And perfect. You're pretty perfect."
Regulus groaned.
"That's so American."
"Blame colonisation."
"We were the cause of colonisation," Regulus said, and James huffed.
"When's you're top surgery anyways?" James asked.
"Em, June 21st," Regulus said, fumbling is words slightly as James placed a hand on his lips.
James smiled. That wasn't far away.
James was excited for him.
"Are you excited?" He asked, already knowing the answer.
"To do the thing ice been wanting to do since the age of fiveteen? Absolutely." Regulus tilted his head back, so it was resting on James' chest. James pressed a kiss to Regulus's forehead.
"I guess you really need to get it off you're chest," James laughed. Regulus just glared at him.
They ended up eating ice cream on the couch, as James had mentioned it would be nice. Turns out, Regulus keeps some for Dorcas.
James was very pleased with the wide selection of flavours. Naturally, he took strawberry, and some vanilla too, and Regulus took chocolate.
"Chocolate. Risky choice. Very hit or miss," James said, and Regulus rolled his eyes.
"Good thing this one is good then," Regulus said, putting some in James' mouth.
James' eyes widened with the rather impulsive decision, but was happy it happened.
Chocolate wasn't on his list of best flavours, but it could've been worse.
"Not bad. For chocolate." James said, and Regulus sighed. He did that a lot.
"Eat your own ice cream," Regulus huffed, and James did.
It soon hit midnight, and James wasn't sure if he was supposed to leave or not. He didn't really want too.
Regulus let out a massive yawn, and turned to James.
"Want to sleep? I'm absolutely wrecked," Regulus asked, and James melted. As hard as Regulus was trying to keep it it nonchalant, he was blushing and fidgeting with the hem of his t shirt. James liked this Regulus. He was so kind and caring, and didn't have as many fronts up.
But James didn't know if Regulus wanted him to sleep on the couch or what.
"Yeah, sure. I'll sleep--"
"With me," Regulus said firmly. "I know you were wondering about it."
James laughed.
"That's true."
Regulus went to go use the bathroom, and James lay on Regulus' bed happily.
When Regulus came back, James gave him a quick kiss before settling down to actually sleep. He was tired, all the big conversations had tired him out.
Regulus murmured to him softly.
"I think you're hot," he whispered in his ear, and James tried to contain his excitement.
James decided to whisper back.
"I think you're too good for me."
Regulus merely pulled him closer, and they fell asleep peacefully, and James felt a glimmer of hope.
This could work.
His dream isn't very pleasant.
James had told Regulus he had bipolar, and Regulus had laughed and called him a freak, before preceding to pretend to be bipolar, using all the stereotypes at once.
James had sat there and cried, begging him to stop, but Regulus was laughing, eating all his pills.
James woke up when Regulus chucked the empty bottle at him.
James glanced around, and saw that he was still in Regulus' bed, and that Regulus was asleep and not making fun of his disorder, he relaxed.
He tired to get back to sleep, but was rather unsuccessful.
Once it hit seven, he decided he wasn't going to fall back to sleep, and removed himself carefully from the bed.
He went to the bathroom first, trying his best to be quiet as possible.
He wanted to make Regulus something good for breakfast.
But first, he wanted to look good for him.
He was looking in the mirror, and he really needed to brush his hair.
He filled the sink up with water, and dunked his hair in. It was a lot less noisy than having a shower.
Once his hair was submerged, he took it back out again, and wrong it out, before awkwardly grabbing a towel from the rack. It was a rather nice bathroom.
James took Regulus' hairbrush, and brushed his hair before scrunching his curls repeatedly.
Usually, he would add gel, but he didn't bother.
Satisfied with that, he left the bathroom, and headed towards the kitchen.
He looked through Regulus' cupboard, looking for ingredients.
He text Remus, as he knew he had work.
Hey Remu.
Ohhh. Now he replies.
i was busy.
yeah, fucking your best friends brother!!!
Shh! Don't text it so loudly. Sirius could hear.
i'm literally on the way to work. He won't hear.
James presumed it was a he/they day then.
i wouldn't put it past him.
I was wondering if you still have the really good pancake recipe. I want to make pancakes.
i do. But James, it's 7:30. Why are you making pancakes?
Shit.
Remus was on to him.
It wasn't James' fault he couldn't remember to buy pills.
Just awake with excitement.
Remus didn't respond, just sending on the recipe.
James tried to ignore the sinking feeling in his stomach as he made the batter.
He couldn't have anyone know.
He'd gotten his dosage upped by his psychiatrist a week ago, because it was apparently that fucking obvious he was going down a slippery slope.
He tried not to let it bother him too much, and he put a reminder in on his phone to get the medication after work tomorrow.
He started making the pancakes at 8:30, because usually Regulus would text him at nine, so James presumed that's when he got up.
But instead of Regulus waking up to breakfast in bed, he woke up to James cursing because he accidentally burnt himself.
And James had zoned out for the entire thing, so he didn't even remember it.
When Regulus came to see what was going on, he saw James angrily scrubbing his palm under cold water in the sink. James was steadily cursing. He couldn't believe he zoned out like that.
The last time something like this happened he was hospitalized.
He couldn't go back there.
The thought made him panic, and Regulus was over in an instant, laughing about how he was silly to burn himself until he saw his hand.
Regulus paled, which was impressive considering he was so pale already.
"Shit James!" He immediately went to go grab his hand.
James shook his head.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I was making pancakes and--"
Regulus cut him off. James didn't want him to yell.
"This is only a mild burn," he said, inspecting his the burn carefully. "Keep it under the water," he said sternly. "I'll finish making the pancakes," he said softly, and James could've cried right there.
He really was in deep waters.
Sirius would just know.
He'd know, and find out James doesn't have any medicine left, and yell, and James would yell back, and probably slam the door, and Sirius would cry because his childhood trauma haunts him to this day, and Remus would comfort Sirius first.
And James would be left with himself until Sirius was ready to talk to him again.
Regulus fussed over him, and James will admit it was nice.
When they finished eating, Regulus asked the question he probably should've asked about thirty minutes ago.
"How did you burn it?"
It wasn't accusatory, but it wasn't light either. Regulus could see he was missing a piece of the puzzle.
Of why he acted this way.
And James couldn't give it to him. Not yet.
"I zone out. A lot. Usually I'm not completely gone, but I guess today wasn't the case," James tired not to stutter. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to do it. Usually I don't get hurt. Last time I got hurt was when I was handing up a panting. I was hammering the nail in and hammered it into my hand."
Regulus stared at him.
"I really hope the nail wasn't rusty."
James grimaced.
He remembers the doctors quickly giving him the shot the second he saw the wound.
"I would be lying. I didn't get tetanus, thank God. Sirius was laughing for most of it."
That wasn't true. Sirius cried. But James was trying to keep the mood light.
Regulus didn't smile.
"That's terrifying."
James shrugged.
"Nothing I can do. And that's why I'm in charge of little children," James grinned.
"You're insane."
James tried not to take the comment seriously.
You're insane. You're insane. You're insane. You're insane. You're insane. You're insane. You're insane. You're insane. You're insane. You're insane. You're insane. You're insane.
You
Are
Insane.
James was very aware of that.
very aware.
"I better leave soon," James said, standing up, bringing his late to the sink. "I have unfinished work."
Regulus laughed.
"Do you get homework?" He asked jokingly.
James nodded his head.
He left quickly after that, the words you're insane spinning around over and over again.
Fuck fuck fuck.
James was slightly aware he was falling into some sort of episode. He'd been talking way too fast to Regulus, and he'd picked up on it, and James had gotten annoyed when he'd asked him to slow down.
So he decided to get a coffee on the way home.
He stopped into Remus, and Sirius was there too, and James tried not to be too awkward.
Sirius smiled lightly when he saw him, but it was reserved. Like he wasn't sure if James would be okay with it.
James hated every second of it.
He didn't want to fight with Sirius anymore.
But he didn't know how to make it stop.
He sat down beside Sirius, who was drawing idly.
"Hey."
Sirius grinned at him.
"Good night at Regulus'?" He asked, wiggling his eyebrows. James blushed.
"Do you really wanna hear about that?"
"Absolutely not."
They didn't say anything else, and James was happy when Remus brought him his coffee. He didn't like the how loud the silence between them was.
So James decided to talk.
"Remind me to buy more medicine tomorrow," James said, and Sirius immediately payed attention. "I need more."
"Did you run out?" He asked, scanning James as if his appearance would give it away.
It was James' turn to be ashamed.
"Yeah."
Sirius shook his head. It was more of an anxious shake than anything else. They knew what happened last time.
"How. Long," he gritted out.
James really didn't appreciate the tone. It was making him feel any better. He thought he should tell the truth though.
"A week? Maybe more," he admitted, and Sirius' eyes widened.
"Jesus Christ James!" Sirius said, looking at him carefully. "Tomorrow we are getting your meds. Immediately after I get home."
James sighed.
"I have no say, do I?" He asked sullenly. He knew he needed to get them, he just wanted to do it himself. He didn't need babysitting.
"No James, you don't." Sirius glared at him. "You already relapsed once, and I see the burn on your hand. I'd be fucking stupid to let you take care of yourself right now. I care about you. Please, just talk to me."
James turned his head, hiding tears. He didn't want to do this. Not here. Not ever.
"It's just the same as usual," he said, trying not to let the hysteria seep in and make the situation worse. "The thoughts, the actions, they're all the same as last time. What can I do?"
"Take your meds," They replied, and James just nodded. "What happened the hand?"
James didn't know how to describe it. He wasn't there. It was like he was a floating body, looking down. He can't even remember it that much.
"There was a pan. And before I could stop myself, my hand was on it."
James decided that was a good version of the truth.
Sirius looked like they weren't convinced, but didn't push the subject.
And James just decided to bask in the brief moment of peace between the two of them.
If only they'd payed more attention to each other.