II
If James was being honest, he was very excited for Astronomy classes.
He loved learning new things, and why shouldn't he?
It would be stupid for him to limit his learning to Earth. He needed to see beyond the dull streets of London, he needed to explore the universe.
He understood why Sirius didn't want to come. He knew it wasn't because he knew everything already, it's because it would remind him of the past he was trying so hard to forget. He actually discussed it with Sirius actually.
It was late, and Remus had already gone to bed, and that's when Sirius did his most personal talking.
One on one.
James and Remus understood this, and would never expect him to talk when he doesn't want to. Sirius also had a tendency to be unable to talk, something James and Sirius had discussed a few years back, after James got upset when Sirius wouldn't tell him what's wrong. Later, Sirius explained that he physically couldn't. He explained it's like a roadblock between your brain and mouth. Your brain has everything you want to say, but it's also very, very, empty, and it's a struggle to even open your mouth. It's the third option of fight or flight. Freeze.
James had apologized immediately, and now Sirius was able to communicate to James when it happened. Generally, Sirius went to 'restart' as they put it, and was able to have the conversation later.
"I lied when I said astronomy is a personal thing. I just don't want to go to classes," Sirius blurted out as they watched Netflix. They were currently watching Avatar: the last Airbender, something Remus had absolutely no interest in, meaning they would watch it when he's not around.
James paused the episode, and let out a small laugh.
"I know you did," he replied, and Sirius smiled nervously.
"I, I know it won't be like my mother forcing everything down my throat, but it would feel like that," Sirius said. They swallowed. "I still love the stars, but I want to love them and not have it related to my family. Course, that's not easy, all their names are up there, but it's a good effort."
James nodded. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. I just asked in case you did. You better not feel guilty about saying no, because I swear to god if you do-. It's just pointless. I don't want you to be unhappy."
Sirius cringed slightly. It never got any easier, talking about his family. They thought after all this time, he'd get somewhere, but perhaps not. It was an irrevocable ache that he could never get rid of, no matter how hard they tried.
"And I don't want you to be unhappy," Sirius replied softly, and James could've hit them. For the person who swore they were 'punk rock' and 'too cool to feel' they certainly did an awful lot of feeling. Not that James was complaining. Feelings are natural,. But sometimes James wished that no one knew he was insane. That they thought he was normal.
"You doing what's best for you isn't going to make me sad," James said. "That would be the depression."
Sirius laughed, and James was relieved. After 14 years, they were both able to laugh and joke about it. After all, they both felt they earned the right.
"Seriously though, how are you doing?" James asked them, and Sirius grimaced.
"I was doing good until you asked," Sirius joked, but gave in at James' glare. "It could be better I suppose. But at least winter's over. I hate the cold."
"I thought the weather didn't stop you?"
"It does when I get sick," they muttered bitterly. Sirius had insisted that -2° temperatures wouldn't stop him, and went out in his leather jacket. A day later he had a cold. Remus had told him to wear a hat.
Did he listen?
No.
"I suppose things could be better, but it's good to know that you're okay. Living isn't too hard at the moment."
It honestly broke James' heart that Sirius found it hard to live. But Sirius was strong. And they knew it.
"I'm always fine. I'm James Potter," he insisted, and Sirius raised their eyebrow.
"It's me, Sirius. Not a stranger. I know everything about you," Sirius said, making it sound slightly threatening. "Don't lie to me."
James huffed. Neither of them said anything, but James supposed that everything was already said. Sirius knew James didn't like taken his meds, like how James knew that Sirius liked using he/they pronouns because being views as a man makes him feel like something is wrong inside of them. James turned the TV back on, and both of them were happy to leave the conversation there. James could see that Sirius was agitated.
"Love you," James whispered as they both went to bed.
"Love you even more, Jamesie," Sirius replied, and James went to sleep, content that he had Sirius fooled for now.
***************
James was ready to learn astronomy.
Was it eight o clock at night?
Yes.
On a Tuesday?
Yes.
Did he have an iced coffee in his hand in March?
Also yes.
But he could do this.
He was sitting on the underground, listening to Taylor Swift.
Specifically Lover.
What could he say? He was a helpless romantic. It couldn't hurt to put love out into the universe.
He was confident that life was looking up for him. He didn't even need his meds. He was perfectly fine. Everything was so happy! So colourful! He felt like a bright yellow. But if he took his meds he would dull. So he kept it bright yellow. And it was happy.
...
Until he spilled his coffee.
Okay, maybe he did have a little scream at that, something in his brain was yelling about how shit life was and how he should go die. He pushed the latter down.
But he was thankful that he wasn't covered in it. So he took a deep breath, and decided to take a pill.
He could feel himself slipping, and now was not the time. He took out his emergency meds, the ones he kept on him at all times because he was extremely forgetful.
After deciding he took a good dose, he continued on.
As he walked into the school where it was being held, he couldn't help but notice how plain it looked. He had to double check it was a school and not a prison. Strangely, it was a school. He couldn't help but feel sorry for the students who went here. It was so dead, like the atmosphere has sucked all the life from it.
James was still thinking about this as he walked into the gym, and he didn't have time to introduce himself to anyone before it started.
"I think that's everyone. So let's begin!" A man with a balding head clapped his hands, bringing attention to himself. "My name's Chris, and I'm going to be your astronomy professor for the term.
"As you know, I hope, astronomy is the study of everything beyond the Earth. It's the study of our whole entire universe. And it's beautiful. This course, is one of the four sub genres of Astronomy: Astrometry. Probably what you expected this course to be about. The stars, the moon and constellations. Personally, my favourite part. And what isn't their to love? You look up at the night sky, and see sky full of stars. Like freckles on your face. But first, let's introduce ourselves."
He looked at James.
"Let's start with you. Tell us your name, and something about you. It can be anything," Chris smiled.
James nodded.
"My name is James, and I love the coffee Remus makes," he said and the others laughed lightly.
"My name is Alice, and I use they/them pronouns," They said, almost nervously, and James felt a little bad for them, so he nodded in understanding.
They continued on introducing themselves, and James couldn't help but smile at the fact Remus was wrong. There was no cute gay boys. Apart from himself, of course.
As they were about to start getting the basics of Astronomy, the door opened, and a man strode in.
And boy, was he gorgeous.
Curly black hair that slightly covered his eyes, pale skin, a ring on his left hand, impeccable style, and most of all, a really pretty mouth.
James felt like swooning. Remus, as usual, was right.
"I'm Regulus, and I love dressing to impress," he said, and James couldn't help but think he was right. He was dressed very well. James was going to have bad thoughts.
Chris didn't seem to surprised with the unexpected arrival.
"Welcome, Regulus. Interesting name. Very relevant to what we're studying. Now, as I was saying..."
James was listening, but he was also sneaking glances at Regulus. He was beautiful. There wasn't any other way to describe it. James was rather focused on his jawline, and how it was would be absolutely wonderful to kiss it, he realized Chris was giving instructions.
"Now, I want you to get into pairs, and discuss your opinions on the universe, the stars, the moon, whatever. As long as it's to do with anything outside of Earth."
James knew he had to go with Regulus. It was a need. Not a want. His business teachers could go suck it.
James was about to go up to Regulus regardless, but most people had pairs, and he swore Regulus had turned to him anyways.
"Want to discuss the universe together?" James grinned, hoping he wasn't blushing.
Regulus didn't even crack a smile. He gave a nod, and James hoped he wasn't imagining the way Regulus had tensed up.
God, he was smitten.
"I'm James. And I love that you dress to impress. It's fabulous," James continued on. He would not be put off.
"Thank you, James," Regulus replied, and James could hear a slight French accent. If that wasn't the hottest thing ever, James didn't know what was. "I think that humans look over the sky. It's just a sky, right? It's not. You can see whole bodies of burning mass, and a different phase of the moon every day."
"The sky is like a piece of artwork that only certain types of people can appreciate," James replied, hoping he didn't sound completely mad. "It's a beauty that only the people who take the time to look at it can truly appreciate."
"I think that's a very good point," Regulus answered. "I mean, we're some the only boys under 60 here. Everyone these days is so obsessed with their phones and what they can see on them from the other side of the world, they forget to look up."
James smiled. "I think looking down would be nice too," he said, and looked down slightly to look at Regulus' lips. Would James normally do this? Absolutely not. But, he had to let Regulus know he was interested.
Regulus definitely got the hint.
"Well, I'd much rather look up. I get to see more," he said, a bit shy however, like he wasn't really supposed to say it.
James tried his best not to blush, and really hoped it wasn't noticable. Contrary to what Sirius would have you believe, you can still see when someone blushes with darker skin.
Well, James was able to.
Whoo hoo.
"The night sky really is something," James sighed. "I can't wait to find out about all the constellations and stars. My friend knows loads but doesn't want to explain it to me."
"Why not? I love telling people what I know," Regulus asked.
"Tell me something then," James said looking him in the eye. James swore he saw physical sparks.
But their moment was interrupted by Chris.
"Ready to continue?" He asked the class, and murmured their yes. "Now, I have different charts here, but first we'll go back to basics. Let's talk about stars, and how they're formed.
"Two hydrogen atoms in a nuclear reaction create helium. This releases the heat and energy that we know is generated by stars. The life cycle of stars happens in four stages. One: formation. Two: the stable period. Three: Red giant. And four: white dwarf," Chris explained, and James was glad he was using simple terms. And diagrams. "In stage one, formation, the large gases in space called neublae, spin around and around really fast, forcing gases to come together. And a star is born. Starring Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper."
He got some laughs, even though it wasn't funny. Whatsoever.
"Our Sun is currently in the stable period, and will be for at least another billion years, so unless you plan to live that long, you're good. The stable period is where the star has its own gravity is trying to shrink it, while the heat produced is making it bigger. Isn't that crazy to think about? It's always the same size during the stable period because of those to factors pulling and pushing against each other.
"The red giant period is where the star has used up all it's hydrogen in it's core, so it burns helium on it's shell. This means the star expands, as it produces more heat. Some stars explode when they die, and this is called a supernova. It's like a firework.
"Now, the last stage. The white dwarf. The star has burned everything it could possibly burn, and it collapses in on itself. That's it.
"You," he snapped his fingers at Oliver. "Tell me the life cycle of a star."
"It forms using nuclear reactions, or something, stabilizes over millions of years, and stays stable for longer. Then gets bigger, smaller, the end," Oliver repeated, looking pleased with himself.
"I mean, you're not wrong," Chris sighed.
When he finished explaining how stars were formed, James got to learn about Orion's constellation.
"Orion's constellation is one of the most famous for a number of reasons. It contains some of the brightest stars in the sky. Can anyone tell me the brightest star in the sky? Hint, Orion's belt points towards it."
Regulus didn't even need to think about it. He answered immediately, like it was reflex.
"Sirius."
James knew that. Definitely. It was in this moment however, that he felt that Regulus reminded him of Sirius. But James knew all of Sirius' family, and Regulus wasn't there in his mind. He wasn't familiar, but he was.
James watched Regulus' face when Chris was talking. Clearly Regulus knew all this, but he was still so interested. It was adorable.
James learned a lot about Orion the Hunter. It was the most famous constellation, and the constellation canis major, was his hunting dog. It was best seen in winter. According the Greek mythology, he stepped on a scorpion and died. Bit tragic.
They had to repeat this to their partners, and James was happy to list off the little bit he knew in order to talk to Regulus. It was worth it.
"There's many stories, but Artemis, a goddess hunter, actually sent the scorpion to kill Orion. That's why the scorpion rules the Summer skies," Regulus added to James' meager description.
"But why? Why did Artemis get send a scorpion to kill him?" James asked. He was invested now.
"There's multiple myths. In one, Apollo convinces her that the love of her life, Orion, mingled with her handmaidens, and that's why she sent it. Another is that Orion tried to rape her. It's messy. Another version is that Orion was boasting about how he could defeat all animals, and then a scorpion stung him. There's so many versions. But they loved each other," Regulus sighed. "Apollo was jealous."
"That's so sad," James pouted. Imagine being in love with someone, and then realizing you killed them.
"It was fate," Regulus replied, and James didn't say anything else. He was too busy feeling sorry for this Artemis.
Chris finished up the class, and James knew he absolutely had to get Regulus' number. So, he walked out with Regulus, and was pleased that he didn't stop him.
"Could I get your number?" James asked nervously, hoping he didn't say it too fast. He was so nervous. He really, really, liked this mysterious man with great style.
James knew Regulus was trying not to smile too much. God forbid he let someone see him happy.
"Yeah," Regulus replied, and held out his hand expectantly.
James immediately placed his phone into it, and watched as Regulus typed his number in. It was mesmerizing. The rings on his fingers, the way his hair fell in his face, it was all so beautiful.
But James had a sinking feeling he was related to Sirius. Which wasn't good, because Sirius hated his family. They hated him too. He was disowned at 16! What crazy person does that to a child? If Regulus was a Black, it meant a lot of complications for James.
So, as every wise man does, he pushed that down to deal with it later.
Regulus had finished typing, and James smiles at what Regulus called himself.
mysterious stylish man.
"Good name," James commented, and Regulus shrugged indifferently.
James was at a loss of what to say. He wanted to say everything, so he stuck for something simple.
"I'll text you," James promised as Regulus made way to his, well presumably his, car.
"You better," was all Regulus said as he got into the car.
"Wow," James breathed out. That was some night.
James had a lot to think about on the way home. He thought of mostly Regulus, but Orion did take up a part of his mind. It was still mainly Regulus though. He was so beautiful. And James just wanted to be with him. Date him, love him, kiss him, whatever. As long as he could be near Regulus.
When he got home, he was greeted to worried words from Sirius and extremely strange sounds from Remus.
James was about to question it, but then he saw Remus and Sirius in their running gear, and Remus was bent over, struggling for breath.
"God damnit I can't find the spare inhaler!" Sirius said frantically, searching through the medical box.
"Don't... Bother. It doesn't. Work," Remus was clearly struggling, and James could tell that Sirius'anxiety was doing nothing for Remus. It was only making it worse. If Remus started to panic while he couldn't breathe already, it really wouldn't end well.
"Remus love, It's okay. It will pass. You will be able to breathe properly again. Like every other time. Okay? You're gonna be fine," James soothed him gently. Remus' cheeks were red, and you could see the effort he was making to breathe.
Remus had, well, they didn't exactly know, but some sort of asthma. The gp (doctor) had prescribed him an inhaler, but he's never seen an improvement with the inhaler. There wasn't much the gp could do then. Remus was supposed to get steroids or something, but it was England.
But Remus had refused to give up distance running. Even if it led to him being like this.
James went over to Sirius.
"Sirius I swear if you don't stop panicking Remus is going to pass out from lack of oxygen," he hissed, and Sirius jumped.
"Sorry!" He whispered back, and went over to Remus, trying his best to stay calm.
After a few minutes, with a lot of reassurance from Sirius and James, Remus had been able to mostly return to normal. But James could hear the rattle in his chest.
Remus sat down at last, and closed his eyes and sighed.
"That," he said, "was so fucking painful."
If the sad face emoji existed right at that moment, it would've been Sirius.
"Was it worse than usual?" They asked, hugging him gently.
"It was the worst it's ever been," Remus replied. "It was so sore to breathe, I felt like my trachea didn't exist, and my chest feels like someone has hollowed out my lungs."
James was concerned, to say the least. It definitely wasn't normal. But what could they do? The doctors didn't even understand why the inhaler wasn't working.
All James knew is that they had to be there for him. Remus loved sports, and to have someone like breathing problems get in the way of that would hurt a lot more than breathing.
"I'm sorry," James said. "It's not fair. You don't deserve it. And if I knew how to get rid of it it would be done in a heartbeat."
Remus smiled, his eyes watery.
"Don't make me cry James."
Sirius hugged him. "Babe, James is right. It's not fair. How about we take another trip to the doctors? Maybe she'll find something so we can overcome this."
"I hope she can," Remus confessed. "I don't want to give up running. Or sports. I'll never take advantage of working lungs again. I just want mine back."
Sirius squeezed him gently.
"I'm sure it will be fine."
Remus closed his eyes, and fixed the expression on his face way to easily for James' liking. He really should show his emotions more. But then again, could James really speak? He decided he could because he had a mental illness, and Remus was just stubborn.
"How was your first astronomy class James?" Remus asked, staring at James expectantly.
James knew his grin was a wide as possible.
"It was good, yeah," he replied back. He didn't want to immediately say that he met a boy. He wasn't there for that. "The instructor, Chris, is super nice and knows what's he's talking about."
Sirius responded with "And I don't?" While Remus said, "you met someone!"
Sirius stared at Remus, shocked.
"How do you know?" Sirius asked, crossing their arms.
"Look at his face, he's a total simp already," Remus smiled.
"It's true," James told them.
Sirius' face had pure shock written all over it.
"Do you guys telepathically communicate or something? How did I miss that?!"
"No, Remus betted on it," James answered, and Remus rolled his eyes.
"What are they like?" Remus pressed.
James felt himself blush.
"He's fabulous," James sighed, flopping down on the couch dramatically. "He has a slight French accent which is so hot--"
"Oi! j'ai aussi un accent français! pas juste," Sirius interrupted, a frown on their face.
"Lo siento," James dismissed him. James had no clue how to speak French, but he did take Spanish classes.
"And such a pretty face. And great style," James continued, and Remus looked so happy for him.
Sirius, however, didn't look impressed.
"I have great style too, I'll have you know," they huffed.
Remus planted a kiss on their cheek.
"I know you do. But maybe the guy James I talking about has a different style. Because let's be honest, James' type is not punk rock."
James laughed slightly.
"He was amazing," James said, slightly giddy. "And he has a beautiful name. Regulus."
"James! Stop. He sounds like he could be a part of my family," Sirius shuddered.
"There's no one in your family around your age apart from you," James reassured him, but his gut had a sinking feeling. He couldn't exactly tell what it was from yet.
"I suppose," Sirius said. "Now, gabh mo leithscéal, I have to get ready for bed. I have to teach 14 year olds about irregular verbs tomorrow. Bless them."
He left, and Remus sighed.
"What language was that?" He asked, and James stiffled a laugh.
"Irish," he laughed, and Remus stared at him like he had three heads.
"I don't even wanna know," Remus said, standing up to follow Sirius.
"What can we say? Duolingo is life," James laughed, and Remus rolled his eyes.
James went to bed dreaming about Regulus and him stargazing on a date. He thoroughly enjoyed that dream.
............
James was grateful it as Friday. That meant once he finished work, that was it for the weekend.
But it also meant extra hyper children. But James was extra hyper too, so all was well.
"James! James! Amanda and Ben are dating!" Maddy said, and James smiled.
"Isn't that lovely?" He replied, and Maddy nodded enthusiastically.
"Do you have a girlfriend, teacher James?" Dylan asked, and the children looked at him expectantly.
"No, I'm afraid not," he replied, but the children were undeterred.
"A crush on a girl?" Maddy offered up.
"He isn't a girl, so nope," James said. Many times he had heard that children shouldn't be told about gay people, but fuck that. James wasn't hiding himself from children who probably really didn't care.
"A boy! Mr James has a crush on a boy! What's his name?" Amanda asked. "My crush is Ben."
"That's so cool! Does that mean a girl can have a crush on a girl too?"
"Yep. Girls can have a crushes on girls. As long as you're happy," James smiled at them all. "His name is a secret."
"Awh! No fair!" They sighed, but got over it fairly fast as it was snack time.
James couldn't help but laugh. He really was just like a child.
He could never keep his mind focused on one thing.
But it could focus on Regulus.