I
James Potter had decided to bake cookies for his class. His therapist said it would help, so here he was on a Wednesday afternoon, baking cookies with Sirius instead of lying in bed and crying.
He even made them gluten free, as Maddy, one of his students, had celiac disease.
James thought he was doing okay. It had been rough, the past couple of weeks, but like always, the episode passed and he could see the light again. He had missed a good lot of work, and so had Sirius and Remus, but they insisted they didn't mind. As James apologized for the 100th time, Sirius sighed.
"James, I really don't mind. I'm a French teacher. They all think I'm a bitch anyways."
James huffed. "Well, my students actually like me" he said, eating a lump of cookie mixture.
"That's because you don't give them listening exercises for homework," Sirius replied, picking a lump of mixture out of his black shoulder length hair . "Besides, I couldn't let anything happen you. "tu es mon meilleur ami."
James hid his embarrassment. His depressive episodes were never exactly fun, and he felt bad dragging Sirius into them. Diagnosed two years ago with bipolar disorder, James' life had many ups and downs. But Sirius was always there, no matter what. If James couldn't get out of bed, Sirius was there, making sure he ate and usually provided a good stream of chatter to take his mind off things, especially when his head was too loud.
But James was going to work tomorrow, and he was going to have a good time. He knew it.
"Okay, I'll set a timer, and you can take your medicine," said Sirius, and James snapped. It had been coming along. He could feel it bubbling up, and once he overflowed, he could rarely clean it up. The meds never worked properly anyways
"Can you stop bossing me around for like two fucking seconds?! You're not my mum!" James said angrily, glaring at him.
He could Sirius taking a deep breath. He knew better then to retaliate when James was like this. James sometimes hated not being able to yell stuff back at Sirius when he didn't engage. He wanted to say things he would regret later just because. The adrenaline rush was easy to get addicted too.
"I'm sorry," they said and knowing there's not much else they can do. "Remus will be home soon."
James just shrugs, and makes his way to the couch.
breath in, breath out.
In, out.
in, out.
Don't murder anyone.
James decides that thinking about why he's actually angry would be too much work, and quite frankly, three therapy sessions is enough money for one week.
He turns the TV on, and appreciates the temporary distraction it provides.
A little while later, he feels someone sit on the couch, and immediately knows it's Remus. The way he sits, and the smell of coffee is all James needs to be able to identify him.
"Hey," Remus said gently, turning off the TV. That's something about Remus. He reads people very well. That's what James noticed the first time he met him.
"How was work?" James asked, feeling he should. His anger had cooled down, and numbness had replaced it. Was it the best replacement? No. But was it better? Depends.
"It was fine. I actually saw a flyer someone put up on the notice board, and thought you might like to go," Remus smiled, and pulls out his phone to show James a photo he took. "Astronomy classes. You were talking about getting back in the game, and there you'll either find cute gay boys or astrology obsessed girls who got confused between the two."
James considers it. He needed to find something else to do, sure, he had his football, but something else. Something more, intellectual. That's the word.
"I'll think about it," is all James said.
James would very much like to go. Sirius used to always talk about stars and constellations, but as his family got more and more abusive, Sirius became quieter and quieter about it all. James had always liked to listen to him talk about them, it seemed incredible to think about all the stars we could recognize and remember.
For dinner, they eat cookies and ice cream on the sitting room floor, and James laughs and smiles more then he has in the past month. It's comforting, to know that it's nearly passed. That James can be happy James again that no one needs to worry about.
Sirius and Remus were on the couch, Sirius in Remus' lap. James was used to being the third wheel. Personally he didn't mind, he liked seeing Sirius happy. And he liked knowing he was the one who set them up.
As they talked about nothing, Remus brought up the flyer.
"There was astronomy classes being advertised today, up on the notice board," said Remus and Sirius scoffs.
"Imagine not knowing everything already," they teased, and James rolled his eyes. As much as he loves Sirius, the size of his ego was concerning.
"I was thinking of going," James said, looking at him. "Would you like to come?"
"As if. As much as I love stargazing, I think it's something that's done by yourself."
"You mean you don't want to see your sister or mother there?"
Sirius' checks flush red for a moment.
"That too. But mostly the first part."
Remus distracts Sirius by playing with their hair, and Sirius smiles contently.
James closes his eyes, and listens to their back and forth complements to each other. They brought the best out in each other, and James couldn't help but wish he had someone to call his own too. After all, there was only so much of it he could take. Maybe he would go to those Astronomy classes, and meet a boy. Or maybe he won't. Who knows.
James was always told he loved too much. But James treasures that part of himself. The side that feels for someone else with everything he is. He likes loving people. Being their friends, lovers, whatever. Love wasn't fragile if you handled it right. And James may have messed up in the past, but he sure did have it right now.
When he opened his eyes, Sirius and Remus were busy sticking their tongues down each other's throat.
"I will call Peter, and we can be the third wheel together," James laughed, and Sirius and Remus broke apart.
Everyone went to bed shortly after, and James had to convince Sirius to sleep in his own bed.
"I'll be fine. I have work tomorrow. And cookies."
Sirius doesn't look convinced, and James sighed.
He got where Sirius was coming from, but James really was fine. He was on medication, and was better at handling his emotions. For the most part. He knew Sirius was scared it would happen again, but James knew it wouldn't. It couldn't. Everyone would be so disappointed.
"I promise, if I'm not okay, you'll be the first to know. Because I will scream this house down," James said, and Sirius laughed lightly, and hugged James.
"Goodnight James," he says, and James hums in Agreement, hoping it will be a good night.
***********
If James was being honest, it wasn't exactly a good night, but it also wasn't a bad night, so he decided to take it as a win. He doesn't tell Sirius though. If he asks, it was the best sleep of his life.
He does manage to drag himself out of bed and not cry, and James smiles as he can finally get back to work. He loves his job. Well, he loves children. They're so sweet, and James likes knowing he can help them grow in life.
He does remember to bring the cookies, and then Sirius and himself make their way to Remus' coffee shop.
It's not his, exactly, but Remus works the most hours and the owner is an alcoholic, so he's in charge.
Which means free drinks.
It was usually the work rush when they came in, so Remus would set theirs aside for when them came in. James thought it was a very nice gesture, he not only knew James' order, he knew exactly how much sugar to put in.
As they took their drinks and sat down at their usual spots, Sirius became subdued, which was rather abnormal, and James was worried.
"Sirius? You okay?' James asked, and Sirius' attention turned to him with a frantic look.
"Oh, yeah. Sorry. It's just that I had cookies and ice cream yesterday and now a coffee with sugar and cream--"
James cut him off. Oh how he wanted to beat the shit out of Walburga Black.
"If i wanted to listen to your toxic mother talk I would've went to her house," James replied. "Sirius, you don't have to feel guilty for eating. It's a need. Just because there's sugar in it doesn't mean you get to be shitty to yourself."
Sirius smiled. James knew he needs reminding sometimes, everyone does, and growing up in that house, it's no wonder Sirius thinks about it.
"Thanks. I needed the reminder," Sirius grinned sheepishly. He doesn't talk about it too much anymore, at least not to James, but when he does, James wishes that everyone had parents like Euphemia and Fleamont Potter.
"Remember, food is needed to survive," James said, looking at him.
"And sugar isn't illegal" Sirius repeated back. James is known to be repetitive.
They finish their drinks before making their way to the underground. The good thing about them both being teachers (Sirius would say James is absolutely not a teacher, but who else will teach them their ABC's and 123's?) Is that they professions were at the same stop.
James was excited to go back. The children's joy was infectious. As he walked into the playschool, he was greeted with smiling faces pressed up against the glass as he walked in.
His co-workers assumed that he was physically sick - and James never said otherwise, so no questions were asked. His Boss, Pandora Lovegood knew, but that was all.
"Teacher James is back!" Was the greeting he got, and honestly, he didn't want it any other way.
"Will we paint now?" Another asked.
James laughed. "First, I think everyone should tell me all the shenanigans you got up to when I was gone."
The children giggled, and James really appreciated his job.
He did paint with them, once he was told all about what colour playdough they made last week and who sang the tidy up song the most times. It was Eric, with 633 zillion, according to Sammy.
They were all delighted to get their cookies, and Maddy was too. She had first burst into tears because she thought she couldn't have any, and James gave her a hug.
"Would I ever let someone go without a cookie?" He asked, and Maddy giggled softly.
"No," she said, her mouth full of cookie.
The other teacher -- Marlene McKinnon, was one of his friends. She watched in amusement as the children got crumbs everywhere.
"We may be singing the tidy up song to keep ourselves entertained if we wanna sweep all that up," she grinned, and James merely rolled his eyes.
Once they're all collected by their parents, apart from Emily, who was very happily telling him she was going to Maddy's and all the things they would do, they began to clean up.
As he was cleaning the chairs, Marlene approached him, sweeping brush in hand.
"You're not sick, are you."
It was a statement, not a question. James' blood turned cold, but Marlene wasn't angry. She was just looking at him with curiosity. They had trained together in the same college and everything, but James had never told her for fear she would leave.
"No," he sighed, and looked away as he told her. He decided she should know the truth. It was Marlene. He could trust her. Or he hoped he could. "I have bipolar. I had another depressive episode."
He expected Marlene to be angry, but she wasn't looking at him with pity or anger. It was with kindness. And James was confused.
"Thank you for telling me," she said, and James turned his head in order to hide the tears.
No one ever said that.
Why was Marlene saying it?
"Oh come hear you big numpty," she laughed, and James hugged her, and she hugged back.
"What did you think I would say?" Marlene asked, stroking his hair." I've known you for five years."
"I thought you would be angry that I didn't tell you sooner," he said, his voice muffled, and Marlene sighed.
"As if I would be angry! It's none of my fucking business. I didn't force you to tell me. But I'm glad you did. How can I support you in the workplace?" Marlene looked at him as if this was a very normal response and he could've kissed her.
"How can you support me?" He repeated, not sure he was hearing her right. No one ever asked him that.
"Yeah, how can I support you? If you feel sad, or like you're losing touch? Your needs should be accommodated, James. And I will help in any way I can," she claimed, and he smiled at her.
James decided to inform her. It wasn't embarrassing, it was Marlene. She was kind. She wasn't going to use this against him.
"Just being there can help," he started. "And my phone has Sirius and Remus' contacts as emergency if you need to call someone to help. Keeping me away from the children would be good too. I don't want them to get hurt. Usually deep breathing, and talking sweet nothing can also be helpful."
Marlene nodded, showing him that she listened and understood him. It was nice.
They both left shortly after, and before they parted ways for the weekend, James felt the need to thank her.
"Thanks Marlene, for, understanding," he said softly, and Marlene smiled.
"Anytime," she responded, and James walked to the Underground to go home, in a rather good mood.
Someone understood, and he appreciated it.
James decided to think things out over a hot chocolate, and as he sat in Remus' cafe waiting for Sirius, he looked at the flyer on the notice board. To get a place to needed to book via email. He tore one of the email address tabs off, and put it in his pocket for later.
He would email.
But right now, he was writing his feelings down in his journal. He loved his diary. It has a little lock and key that James kept safe by wearing the key as a necklace. He'd had this particular diary for about a year now, and he absolutely loved it.
Feeling sad? Write in diary. Happy? Write in diary. Want to kill Sirius? Write in diary.
Sometimes everything could be solved be writing it down.
As he was writing, he was interrupted by Peter, who had a tea in his hand.
"Hello," Peter smiled, and James looked up, happy to see Peter.
He'd known Peter since he was small. They'd grown up together, and Peter was a doctor at the hospital, so his work life was rather hectic, meaning they didn't see each other as much as they wanted too.
"Hiya Peter," he grinned, and Peter sat down next to him.
"Can't stay long, I've a shift in thirty minutes," Peter grimaced, and James laughed.
"Is that unusual?" He asked, and Peter sighed.
"Suppose not. Although I do miss being bored," He said, and James gasped.
"No."
"Yes."
"No"
"yes."
"You've changed a bit too much," James said, and Peter nodded solemnly.
"'tis life," Peter sighed. "How's teaching going?"
"teaching is going great actually," James replied happily."The children love me, and I love them."
Peter smiled. "I'm glad your happy James."
"Me too," James confessed, and Peter nodded. Peter wasn't necessarily there growing up, but their mum's were friends, so naturally Peter heard a lot. It never scared Peter, and James was happy to have a childhood friend. "How's the dating game going? You still with Grace?"
Peter nodded. "Yep. It's great. She's so lovely. I don't know how I got so lucky."
Peter and Grace had met around 3 years ago, and originally she was James' date, but Peter saw her and it was game over. James hadn't minded too much, Grace had happened to have a friend called Lily, who James dated for a while. It had been nice.
"Do you think you'll propose?" James blurted out. He couldn't help himself. It made him giddy, thinking about it even. That his best friend could get married.
Peter blushed. "I want too," he croaked out, seeming a but terrified of the idea.
"That's so great! I bet she'll say yes," James grinned. He really wanted Grace to say yes. She would look so good in the suit she wanted to wear.
"I hope she says yes. I really do love her," he said, and sighed as he looked at his watch.
"I better be off, otherwise I'll be late for my shift," Peter said, downing the rest of his coffee.
James was sad to see him go. "Remember, if you're free sometime, call over. We miss you," James replied, standing up to hug him.
"Of course," Peter smiled, and rushed out the door to catch the underground.
James returned to his journal, hoping Grace would say yes.
Once Remus finished for the evening, the three of them walked back to the flat, and James wrote an email to [email protected], looking for a spot.
Maybe this would be good for him.
A chance to learn.
maybe also find love.
All he could do was hope.
And he was grateful he could.