Wade knew it was going to be a bad day right away. For instance, the first thing that greeted him that morning was ominous voice of white box.
[Kill yourself.]
That wasn’t anything new really. He was quite used to whatever shit they were constantly mumbling or screaming at him. It didn’t really make difference if they suggested violence or just weird sexual stuff that made him nauseous for even thinking like that. He mostly learned to ignore them or just block them out completely. Since he knew Peter it had become even easier. Whenever he was around him, they were almost exclusively quiet, like they were afraid of him. Days like this one were worse. He knew he had to be mostly alone and since they began talking to him right in the morning, he knew they were going to be active.
(Oh yeah! Yeah! We haven’t done then in quite some time.)
White added. Wade didn’t answer, he usually refused to communicate with them, since any kind of response usually just encouraged them. He rubbed his eyes, feeling even more tired than when he had gone to bed last night. He probably wasn’t going to see Peter Today. He had super duper fancy meeting with Avengers and he was pretty sure that Mr. Stark wouldn’t let him leave the beneficial banquet until very late at night. Peter tried to convince Tony to let Wade come, if not as Deadpool then at least as Wade Wilson, but it seemed like there was nothing he could do. Avengers, and especially Tony, weren’t too fond of the ex-mercenary. It was fine, though, Wade was quite used to that. And to be fair, years of killing for whoever gave him cheque weren’t exactly trustworthy past. Wade pushed himself out of bed. God, his legs hurt. He was exhausted.
He headed for shower first. Warm water should help him relax a bit.
[You know how many people die in shower per year? Maybe if we just slipped…]
(Oh yeah! Peter wouldn’t even realise it was a suicide, he would just think you are clumsy idiot.)
[Which you are, anyway.]
Wade flinched at the mention of Peter. Once he had started his professional partnership with Spider-Man he made him promise he wouldn’t kill again. And Wade agreed, he only broke that promise once to safe Peter’s life, but that was understandable. Once Peter found out about Wade’s numerous and nearly constant suicide attempts, he made him make another promise. Wade never broke that one, even though it got really close at times.
He got out of shower. His knuckles were white as he clenched his hands in fists. The boxes wouldn’t shut up. Their ideas kept getting more and more violent. On one side he was quite glad he got to stay at home that day. If he had to go out he’d probably have to listen to about how fun it would be to just break that old lady’s arm, or throw that toddler across the street. Intrusive thoughts like the made him sick to his stomach. He was terrified by though that one day he would simply give in and just do whatever the boxes said. No, he knew that wasn’t the case. He was getting better, he had to get better.
Trying to make breakfast was just as painful as he expected.
[Knives, knives, there are knives in the cupboard.]
(Take one, press it against your skin.)
[Slit your throat. Stab it in your eye.]
(Bet one could slit your stomach like it was butter.)
‘Shut the hell up you two, I made promise! I made promise, I’m not breaking it just because someone who doesn’t even exist wants me to!’ Wade snapped. He decided that the best thing to eat would be cereal, they were definitely the least dangerous.
(Don’t be rude!)
[We are real, Wade. We are just as real as you are.]
The ex-mercenary grinned his teeth, this was starting to get annoying.
[You wouldn’t do it just because we want you to. You’d do it because you want it as well.]
Wade didn’t feel hungry anymore. He decided that he needed something, heck, anything to do that would prevent him from going entirely crazy. He needed some manual work, so he took upon himself to clean entire flat.
…
The rest of day went in similar manner. No matter what he tried to do he would get yelled at about how useless he was, and how he should just off himself. Each option that was presented to him was more and more violent and painful. He managed to clean everything in the end, even tried listening to some music, or watching Netflix, but nothing would help. No matter what activity he chose to do the voices would just shout everything down. By the end of the day wade felt terrible. Exhausted and just overall disgusted in himself. His head hurt. He tried taking some Advil but drugs didn’t really work for him anymore. He missed his boyfriend and just wish he could just go to sleep in his arms and wouldn’t have to think about anything.
He couldn’t do that though. Peter had places to be and events to attend, everything far more important than Wade. That even wasn’t even his usual self-depriving view of himself, it was just true. The importance Spider-Man held for the whole city, hell, maybe even the entire States, was far greater than one day of Wade’s bad mental health. Besides that he never really wanted to bother Peter with every stupid thing that was on his mind. It wasn’t Peter’s responsibility to deal with Wade’s mental illness at every occasion. He was able to ask for help sometimes, but for the most part he tried to manage everything by himself.
Today was different though. He craved Peter, he craved at least his presence, because he knew that would make everything better.
It was already dark outside, which was no surprise considering it was winter. It could have been sometime after 7 pm when Wade decided finally that he would at least text Peter.
[Stupid idea really, I’m sure he doesn’t want to hear from you.]
(He is having fun night out, why would he want to listen to your sorry ass about how miserable you are.)
[Maybe you could text him you want to break up and just push him away forever.]
(He wouldn’t even mind.)
[He would be relieved.]
DP *black heart emoji* *poop emoji* *red heart emoji*
Hey, Petey! How is your fancy hero party going?
18:36 Seen
Webs *spider emoji* *red heart emoji*
It sucks ass :((( would be better if you were here
18:45 Seen
Wade smiled at that. He was glad Peter seemed to miss him.
[Except he doesn’t. He is just being polite.]
Webs *spider emoji* *red heart emoji*
Tony keeps making me talk to sponsors
He is showing me off like a first grader
Bet he would show them all of my high school reports if he had them
Ugh
How is your day going, babe?
18:50 Seen
Wade felt conflicted on whichever he should tell him the truth. He didn’t want to spoil his evening, but at the same time he was desperate for his attention, desperate to let himself be helped.
DP *black heart emoji* *poop emoji* *red heart emoji*
Would it be ok to call you?
Just for few minutes
19:01 Sent
Please?
19:10 Sent
It took Peter good twenty minutes to answer and Wade felt himself grow impatient and panicked. Logically, he knew that Peter was busy and couldn’t answer text every minute on a party this important, but that didn’t stop the lingering thoughts.
[See? He doesn’t want you around.]
(What a shame, I really liked him.)
Webs *spider emoji* *red heart emoji*
Sure, give me a sec
19:32 Seen
It didn’t take even five minutes for Wade’s phone to ring.
‘Hi,’ he picked it up almost immediately, his voice was quiet and relieved.
‘Hey, Wade, are you alright?’ Peter asked. He sounded worried.
[Awesome, you scared him, you freak.]
‘Yeah, I’m good, I think. I just wanted to hear your voice,’ it wasn’t quite a lie, it wasn’t that much out of ordinary and he really wanted to at least hear his boyfriend.
‘Well, you are hearing it right now,’ Peter chuckled. ‘Are you sure you are alright, though?’
‘Did you have something to drink?’ Wade completely glossed over the other’s question. Peter always laughed at everything that’s just remotely funny when he was drunk.
‘Just a little bit, I wouldn’t get through the party sober. It’s totally lame.’
‘Is it that bad?’ now soft laugh escaped Wade’s lips. It was the party of the year that everyone that meant something wanted to get to, just so they could shake hands with Avengers. And Spider-Man, one of the stars of the evening though it was lame.
‘You freaking bet! Get this, most of men here are wearing white gloves. How snobbish you have to be to wear white gloves indoors oh my god! Oh! Oh, fuck,’ Peter was quiet for a bit and Wade was almost worried if something bad happened, then suddenly he resumed. ‘Never mind, one of them walked past me. I’m sure he must have heard me.’ Wade couldn’t help but laugh again. ‘And did I tell you I’m fancy wearing suit over spidey one? I look like a freaking clown.’
‘I bet you look gorgeous,’ said Wade quietly.
‘Thanks, babe, I really wish you were here.’
[He is lying to you.]
‘Nah, I would just spoil your evening, I’m not suit for parties like this,’ Wade sight the exhaustion and weariness creeping into his voice again.
‘No, it’s ultra boring without you. Everything is boring when you are not around.’ There was such genuine fondness in Peter’s words it would bring tears to Wade’s eyes, if he could even cry. ‘Are you really alright?’ Peter pressed on because pressed on, because so far, he hasn’t got a clear answer. ‘Do you want me to come over?’
‘No! I don’t want you to leave something this important for me.’
(You will never be important for him.)
[You will never matter to anyone.]
‘Wade, please, can you answer a question or two?’ When he got no answer, he added: ‘Can you do that for me?’
Wade’s voice was so quiet Peter almost couldn’t hear it. ‘Okay.’
[Weak loser.]
‘You are not alright, are you?’
(Don’t fucking tell him, idiot, he is going to hate you.)
‘I’m not.’
‘Is it the voices?’
Wade could feel his stomach tighten. ‘Yeah.’
‘Do you want me to come over?’
‘You really shouldn’t leave an event like that for me,’ he sighed. Peter was stubborn at times.
‘Maybe, but do you want me to come over?’
‘Maybe,’ Wade let out, his voice yet again incredibly small and quiet.
[You really are manipulative fuck, huh?]
‘I’ll be there in twenty, yeah? Just hang on a little longer.’
‘Peter, you really shouldn’t-‘
[How could you do this to him?]
‘It’s fine, I’ve been seeking for an excuse to disappear for the whole evening.’
‘Alright,’ Wade agreed. He felt almost bad for the wave of relief that washed over him. ‘But don’t drink and swing, alright?’
Peter laughed quietly. ‘Fine, I’ll take a cab.’
…
Twenty minutes later, as promised, Wade could hear the rattling of keys in the lock. He shifted in his curled-up position on couch but didn’t find the energy to stand up. Peter appeared in the doorway and just as Wade expected, he looked incredibly handsome in the suit. He pulled down his mask as soon as he was home. He smiled at Wade, while the ex-merc’s face looked almost apologetic.
‘I’ll just get this stupid thing off and I’ll be right back, alright?’ Peter asked already trying to pull off his bowtie. The other nodded.
Just a few minutes later he was back wearing one of Wade’s hoodie which looked comically oversized on him. Even though Peter was just a few years younger his frame was very noticeably smaller. But not to be fooled, he was much stronger than Wade.
Peter pushed Wade aside, so he could crawl under him and let the larger man rest on his chest.
[You are ruining him.]
‘Sorry for dragging you out of the party.’ Wade mumbled and buried his face in the other’s chest breathing in the familiar scent.
‘it’s okay, really,’ Peter reassured as he started to rub soothing circles on Wade’s back. ‘I wanted to get out of there anyway. Even if I didn’t, I’ll always come when you need me.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘For what?’
[For being a useless piece of garbage.]
(For being the worst boyfriend ever.)
‘I know that my fucking mental illness is not your responsibility. I shouldn’t keep forcing you to take care of me.’
‘Wade, I know it’s not my responsibility and I don’t see it as such. I just love and I really want you to be okay,’ Peter’s voice was firm, but he wasn’t mad. ‘And you are not forcing me to do anything. I like taking care of you, because I care about you. And it sure does get a bit hard sometimes, but it doesn’t matter to me. I love you. Sorry I’m blabbering, I’m probably not one hundred percent sober.’
‘It’s okay, I like your stupid blabbering,’ Wade chuckled, he didn’t want it to come out as insult.
‘Alright,’ Peter smiled as well, ‘Are they talking right now?’
‘No,’ Wade shook his head. ‘I- I think they are scared of you. They are almost always quiet when you are around, or at least kinder.’
‘Well, then there is only one solution for that.’
‘And that is?’
‘I’m never going to leave you.’
Wade laughed, a little lauder this time, ‘okay, I’d like that.’
They stayed quiet for a little while, just holding each other close.
‘Thank you,’ Wade muttered. Peter probably said something along the lines of ‘don’t mention it’, but Wade was already drifting asleep.