She's never been one to hold back
Emiliya was perfectly safe with Tony, she'd made sure of that with 12 phone calls in the last 2 hours and Tony had told her that she really needed to relax and actually trust someone. She knew he was right but that didn't alleviate her worry. Her daughter was literally all she had and she was facing a threat that no child should face, Natasha was still uncomfortable with the thought that if that psychotic son of a bitch knew about her child then there was a chance that the monsters that raised her did too.
She trusted Tony that much was true but he had no idea what he was up against with them, not really.
She had spent the last 9 years more or less alone with no one but her child for company sans the times that Logan and Clint came to visit and that was only a couple of times a year. Clint would've had it more regularly if she'd let him but she was far too worried about it becoming too obvious where she was and so, she made sure that they didn't visit as often as she might have liked. She happened to like having them around simply because she missed them both.
Logan was her family and Clint? He'd been her best friend for years. Both of them cared for her and her daughter and they did all they could to help her and she was beyond grateful for that not to mention the chances she got to unwind when she took some mission or another with Laura. It was helpful for her, Natasha wasn't fantastic at being solely a civilian and they understood that. It wasn't that she didn't love her child because she did more than anything else in this world but she needed some time to just unwind. She'd been a spy her whole life.
Or at least for as long as she could remember.
She made her way out of SHIELD and just found herself standing outside resisting the urge to either scream or hit something though she was strongly leaning toward the latter. Her anger and her frustrations were at impossible levels by this point. Pulling her phone out of her pocket so she could call Tony again, she released a sigh and rolled her eyes at herself. If she called again she really was going to make him believe she didn't trust him.
Ugh. That made her feel worse. He'd probably ignore her call causing her to panic anyway. She huffed out a sigh as she drummed an idle beat against her leg and leaned against the wall as she shook her head at herself. She was being utterly ridiculous and she knew it, she'd never been this anxious until she'd had a child. It was amazing how much motherhood could change someone. Natasha was always strong and determined, she never let her anxieties get the better of her but then she'd never had anything to lose like this before.
Shoving her phone back in her pocket, she looked up as she heard a familiar voice shout her name and she rolled her eyes before she turned to look at him with an irate look on her features as she studied him.
"What do you want, James?" She fought to keep her tone measured but it failed. She sounded undeniably grumpy.
All she wanted to do was snap and tell him to leave her the hell alone except she wasn't sure that was what she wanted at all. There go the frustrations yet again, she'd never been so doubtful over what she'd wanted at least not when she wasn't having her head messed with. She should want him to leave her the hell alone but there was still that small part of her that couldn't stop loving him.
She'd loved him for more than 60 years and even she didn't know how to turn that off even with her anger. He studied her with blue eyes and a wounded expression that almost made her think twice about her response. His eyes cast toward the floor and he released a sigh.
Almost.
He deserved it and he knew it but that did not make it hurt any less. He knew that she'd be angry if she ever found out if there was ever something that threw the two of them back together and they'd been wrong about her death she'd be mad as hell after everything they'd been through that he'd put her through this too and she had every right to be.
"I wanted us to talk," he replied quietly.
She breathed out a deep sigh and rolled her eyes. She wanted to understand why he'd done what he'd done she really did. She wanted to stand there and listen to him and hope that he could make everything right again but she had no idea how that was even possible. She wasn't as naive as their daughter, she knew things didn't get fixed that easily and so did he. She crossed her arms across her chest clearly showing her defensiveness.
"Not here." She glanced around. Here was not the place to have this conversation.
She wouldn't stand outside of SHIELD and scream and shout at him for what he'd done to her, if she was going to do that then she was going to do it somewhere more private and somewhere she could let out just what she was feeling without anyone else seeing it. Natasha was a private person. He nodded his head in agreement.
"Where do you wanna go?" He wouldn't assume, he'd already done enough damage to her.
"Your place. It's closer to where I need to pick up Em anyway." She knew he hadn't moved.
She'd accessed his files the moment he'd left that night before Clint came over. She'd wanted to know if there was anything in there that'd tell her where he'd been all these years but all of it was kept off book, of course it was. That had frustrated her to no end too but she knew that she'd be able to get it out of him eventually because if he was going to explain it then he'd have to tell her what the hell he'd been doing that had been more important than telling her the truth.
She could see it in his face that he wanted to ask her where their daughter was because the second she'd said it he opened his mouth to say something. She raised a brow at him as she considered telling him that it was none of his business but in truth it was and she knew it. He had every right to ask.
"She's at Stark Labs with Tony. Another thing you should know: Your daughter is a certifiable genius." She pushed away from the wall and started to walk then.
Bucky stared at her for a moment before he sighed and followed her anyway. There was still so much he had to learn about his child and that bothered him but little by little he was learning at the very least who she was. He'd known right away that she was smart but the thought brought a smile to his lips anyway. Both of her parents were very intelligent so at least she might have inherited something good from him.
Natasha was probably going to be furious at him for, well for a very long and very indeterminate amount of time because she didn't age. She could quite literally be mad at him for the rest of eternity and that bothered him to no end, he found himself wondering whether their daughter would share her mother's fate, he wasn't any different of course but then that had never bothered him before because it meant forever with her.
Forever with the woman he loved didn't seem so likely now given her present angry state. He had a whole hell of a lot of questions, a whole hell of a lot of regrets and he may not get the time he needed to make it right either. Natasha had every right to hate him if that's what she thought she had to do.
She didn't say a word to him on the way to his apartment but once they'd stepped inside she looked at him and sighed. She maintained a defensive posture and he knew that she was doing it purposely to keep him at a distance. She hadn't appeared to be all that insistent on doing it this passionately for quite some time and it bothered him.
"Tasha, I know you have no reason at all to believe me but I really am sorry for what I did. I regret it. I'd change it if I could but there's nothing I can do and-" He closed the door and leaned against it.
She glared at him as he spoke before she walked over to stand in front of him.
"Give me one reason I shouldn't beat the crap out of you right now," she sounded so angry. Angry enough to make him wince at it. He shook his head then, he knew that he couldn't do anything or say anything that was going to make even the slightest bit of difference. If she had to work out her anger, she had to work out her anger.
"If it makes you hate me less? Do it."
He'd do absolutely anything at this point to make her hate him less. At this point, if beating the hell out of him was what it took for her to stop looking at him like she couldn't stand the very sight of him he'd take it gladly, he was already aware of the fact that he deserved whatever punishment she decided on. She narrowed her eyes at him before she rolled her eyes.
"I don't hate you," she clarified with a sigh. "Do I like you or what you did? No, but I'm not capable of hating you. How can I hate you? I've loved you most of my life and we have a child together."
No matter how much she might wish she was occasionally - especially after him pulling this crap - she wasn't capable of hating him. She loved him too much to hate him and she knew he knew that too which bothered her all the more. She wished she could hate him because it'd make it a whole hell of a lot simpler for her if she did. She studied him.
"Is that what you want?" she questioned quietly. "Do you want me to hate you?"
He shook his head again and just watched her as she processed everything. She looked older somehow but only in her eyes, the experiences that she'd been through in the last nine years had taken their toll on her and he could see it. She tried so hard to be strong and be the person their child needed compensating for his absence with effort and pretty stories told to a child so that she didn't feel like her father was missing from her life completely but it had taken its toll on the woman he loved in untold ways.
It had taken its toll on Natasha in ways he knew he could never understand and ways that he'd spend eternity trying to make up for if that's what he had to do and he'd do it gladly because she deserved so much more from him than the cruelty he'd inflicted upon her when he'd left her alone to raise their daughter.
"No of course it isn't.," he replied. "I'd never ever want you to hate me, Nat."
The very thought of it was unbearable. She stood there, her hands were balled into fists at her side but she made no move to lash out or act upon the urge to hit him regardless of how much she might want to. That would solve nothing, that would only end badly for the both of them if she ever had to explain it to their child so instead, she closed her eyes and allowed herself to just breathe. Deep breaths washed over her in calming waves until she finally opened her eyes and looked at him again.
He had been content in leaving her to do whatever she needed.
She opened her mouth to say something but decided against it and she stepped forward then closing the small distance between them and she wrapped her arms around him and simply buried her head in his chest. He breathed out a relieved sigh before he closed his arms around her and kissed her on the top of the head. While unexpected, he was thankful at the very least that she wasn't screaming, shouting, or hitting him.
She was entitled of course to do all three and no one would be able to fault her.
"I'm so sorry," he spoke softly. "I swear I didn't want to hurt you, I love you more than anything and you know I do."
She nodded softly but made no move to pull away, she knew and she'd always known that he loved her. He'd been willing to take so many chances that had only resulted in both of them getting hurt because he loved her so much. He loved her enough to risk his freedom, he loved her enough to rebel against their handlers.
He loved her enough to find his way back to her through impossible odds and she loved him just as much. She knew he loved her she just wished that he trusted her too.
"Why? I need to know why."
He knew she'd ask him, he knew that she'd want answers and he knew that he'd have to provide them sooner or later.
"The program I was a part of had other agents, some sleepers that didn't know what they were aside from the new lives they were implanted in, others still in stasis but a few were awake and dangerous. You know the monsters that raised both of us, you know what a danger they are and one of them had decided to hunt down Red Room graduates. Your life was in danger and it was my fault. It was people I trained. People I knew existed and did nothing about." He held her a little tighter then.
He should've done something about them years ago but he'd never thought that they'd cross paths again. It was stupid of him and he knew it. Natasha's brow furrowed though and against her better judgment she glanced up at him.
"Yelena?"
He noted her concern and a smile touched his features. The two of them weren't friends but they weren't enemies, rivals and more often than not they fell on totally opposite sides of a mission but Natasha would never willingly do anything to harm her if she could help it. She felt for the other woman too much because she was exactly who she was once, she'd broken free but Yelena was stupid and refused to see her life for what it was: Control and manipulation.
"She's safe. Alive."
He watched her shoulders sag in relief then. She knew she should want Yelena out of commission, she knew she was a danger but she didn't deserve to be hunted down like a dog and killed by some psychotic super soldier, not even her - after everything she'd done - deserved that fate. It was probably the one time that Natasha would honestly say Yelena deserved better.
"Well that's good." She surprised even herself with her concern.
"And it's all over now?" Natasha questioned finally pulling back so that she could look at him.
She wanted him - no, needed him - to look her in the eyes and tell her it was truly over and what they'd been through was worth it. She needed to know he was telling her the truth because if he looked her in the eyes and lied to her she'd never trust him again. He knew that.
"It's all over," he promised her. "I swear it's over."
She observed him for a moment before she decided that she had no choice but to trust that he was telling her the truth. It had been a long time since he'd looked her in the eyes and lied to her and she knew that this time he'd know what it'd cost him if he did.
"If you ever pull anything like this again there won't be a chance. There's me and Em and you stay no matter what and if you can't do that I need you to walk away now and leave her alone. It isn't fair on her, she's just a kid and she wants her daddy and if you can't be that for her you need to stay away." She warned.
Her daughter's safety and happiness were paramount to her, what kind of mother wouldn't warn someone against hurting their child? Natasha was - and always would be - fiercely protective over the one thing in this world that had ever been truly hers regardless of everything else.
"I will never do anything to hurt either of you." He promised as he took her hand in his.
"I mean it you have one chance. One." She still sounded so defensive.
One shot to make it right, surely that was fair right?
"We're gonna be okay you know. I won't let anything happen to any of you," he soothed. He knew she was anxious.
He knew she had been the whole time and he knew she was trying to put on a brave face while dealing with their whole situation, dealing with his faked death and dealing with raising their child and it was a whole lot of pressure on her that she expressly didn't need and he wasn't sure he'd ever stop apologizing to her for what he'd done and he probably shouldn't either.
"Why'd you leave anyway?" He'd been curious about that since the start.
"Because you weren't around so what was the point in staying? If I stayed I'd face reminders every day that you were gone and that there was nothing I could do. I'd have to deal with SHIELD and everyone else and I just couldn't do it. I knew that our baby didn't deserve to be watched or poked like some lab rat in case she was different too. I knew the best chance I had of raising her as a normal kid was to be anywhere but here." She inhaled a deep breath as she spoke.
She had to admit it had made a whole hell of a lot more sense to her years ago than it did now.
"But they could've kept you safe and made sure nothing like this ever happened," he replied.
She glanced at him and frowned shaking her head.
"You can't honestly believe that." She sure as hell didn't. "If SHIELD had been involved she'd never have had a normal life not even for a second."
Natasha had grown up under the watchful eyes of some agency that had sought to use her for something or another and she'd done her best to guarantee her daughter didn't grow up under the shadow of any government. She'd done all she could to make sure that the only world she'd ever known was normal... Ish. Clint and Logan weren't exactly normal but she'd thought it was cool to have special people in her life.
"I believe Steve would've tried," Bucky replied softly. "He knows how much I love you. He knows what you mean to me, I don't think he'd have ever let anything happen to her and he'd have kicked my ass into making it right before it got like this."
"Nuh uh. You are not saying me leaving prolonged all of this. It was your choice to do what you did just like it was mine to do what I did," she sounded irate again.
He breathed out a sigh and shook his head.
"That isn't what I'm saying, I'm saying- I'm saying I made a dumb call that I could've fixed earlier. I should've looked harder and I know that. None of this is your fault, you did what you had to do to keep you both safe and keep her life away from this world."
He was proud of her for that. He was proud of the harder choices that she'd made and how much she'd fought to make sure that their little girl was kept free of all of this for as long as she could, he wished that she'd been able to do it her whole life even if it meant he'd never be there if he was going to be honest. He was selfish but he wasn't that selfish. He wanted what was best for his child and her never learning about a world like this was what was best for her.
"How much like us is she?" he questioned.
Natasha's eyes flicked to the floor, her nose wrinkled as she mulled over what she wanted to say to him. She remained quiet for several long moments before she released a sigh and looked back up at him.
"Enhanced healing, endurance, speed... She's strong, very strong. I don't know if she'll end up with regressed aging eventually or if she'll age normally. She has so far but... I don't know if teenage hormones will kick anything else up or enhance it. None of us can say for sure but she's monitored as best I can." Away from SHIELD and every other agency, she was monitored away from all of that.
"By Morse?"
Natasha nodded. She was the only person qualified that Natasha trusted.
"I know Bobbi, she won't let anything happen to her. She's-"
"Different too," Bucky finished for her.
"I'm worried about what happens if they find that out too. If they find out you're her father too... Who and what we are put a target on her back and you know it too without them knowing what she is too. She's the only one like her."
"A second-generation Super Soldier." He could see why she was worried.
No one like them that they knew of had ever had kids before. The Red Room didn't allow their agents to have children and the people in his program were too brainwashed to have anything close to a real-life and even then, they weren't given anywhere near as much as he was of any of the serums they used. He was their best weapon, their pride, and joy... She was the best of hers and he was the golden boy of his. It would all sound so lovely if they weren't so terrible.
Being the best when it came to things like that didn't exactly comfort you.
"That's not even touching on how smart she is. I can't even fathom what they'd do to her." She wrapped her arms around herself again as she spoke.
He reached out immediately to pull her into a hug.
"That won't ever happen," he promised.
She released a sigh and glanced up at him.
"This doesn't mean I'm not still mad at you," she pointed out. "But I know that if we're on opposite sides we're gonna be too distracted to protect her. I'm mad at you but I need you and not just to keep her safe."
"As long as you still love me, you can be mad at me all you want darlin'." He smirked slightly then.
She dug him in the ribs and rolled her eyes. One problem down, a thousand to go.