Close your eyes and let me lead.
The last few days had been trying at best but it was nothing compared to today. Today was hell. She reached for the tablet computer Steve held out to her and she studied the CCTV footage, she was surprised that Alexei had been dumb enough to get himself on camera but then she knew already that it was deliberate. He wanted her to know that he was in New York and that he knew just how to find her. He wanted her to know her safety was an illusion.
That had been obvious to her since she'd gotten here though; Natasha may have been a lot of things in her life but she'd never been a fool. She knew already that her safety was - and always had been - subjective. She'd never be truly safe until the people that wanted her dead or wanted to manipulate her were in the ground and gone but it didn't matter. It didn't matter because that was impossible and it would always be impossible but she could hope that she could make it more trouble than it was worth to come after her.
Her daughter though... She had to protect her, she had to protect her because the thought of her ever falling into their hands was more than she could take and that was why she had to stop Alexei. She had to make damn sure that he was gone and gone for good this time. He was - and always would be - a monster. There was no redemption at all there and the thought of throwing him in some deep hole somewhere wasn't comforting at all to her because there was always the chance that he'd be able to escape.
She chewed her lip as her eyes flicked up to Steve. "Alright so, we're already aware that this son of a bitch is determined to make my life a living hell."
And now he was apparently close enough to do it. She didn't add that out loud but then from the look on Steve's face, she didn't need to. He looked worried and he released a sigh as he studied the redhead, he would never presume to tell her what to do, not in a million years would be presumed to tell her what to do but his expression softened.
"Maybe it's time for you and Emiliya to stay in SHIELD, Natasha. It's safer," Steve spoke gently.
His tone didn't matter though. It earned a less than pleased look off of Natasha and she sighed. She might know he's right but she wasn't anywhere near happy about having to admit it. It wasn't about her, it sure as hell wasn't about her pride. It was about keeping her daughter safe and unfortunately, she'd lost the ability to do that herself. She'd managed this far on her own and now, now conceding to the help of the same people she'd left behind all those years ago wasn't easy for her.
It didn't stop her from glaring at Steve though no matter how right he was. She knew it wasn't Steve's fault, she knew that he was just trying to make the best of the situation that he'd been handed the same as she was and a part of her was tempted to ask Tony if they could stay with him but she knew that her and Tony would drive each other insane eventually. Liya would be happy though, she loved his lab. Maybe she could mess around in the lab here instead.
The rest of her freedoms were going to be massively restricted and that made Natasha feel worse than she had all of the times that she'd had to move her. Steve looked toward her as he waited for her to decide what she wanted to do, he didn't speak and he'd decided not to push her but he looked relieved when Natasha managed a stiff nod of agreement.
"I'll have rooms set up for both of you. You'll both be safe here, Natasha. I'll do all I can to make sure you're safe here."
She scoffed though and rolled her eyes. "You can't protect me from that world, you can't protect her from that world. All you can do is put a wall between us and them but if they're determined enough it won't take them long to blow it to pieces. It'll give us time and that's about all it'll do but time is still better than nothing."
It was her world. They were her demons. It was her past that was coming around to bite her in the ass big time and she should've known all along that it would. She should've known all along that safe would always, always be relative for her. Safe was subjective. Staying with SHIELD wasn't ideal but for now, it was her best option. It was the best in a series of bad options but it was the lesser evil.
"I need to call Logan." She knew how Logan would feel about their safety resting with SHIELD.
He'd be less than pleased with it, he wasn't their biggest fan but he knew Steve and he knew Bucky. They went way back and he knew at the very least he could trust Steve or at least he had once upon a time, she wasn't sure if that could still stand now after they'd faked Bucky's death leading to what she'd done all these years. It was why she'd blown her life apart, it was why she'd spent years running.
Logan was someone that she knew she could trust though. Logan had been by her side and in her corner, the whole time and she knew that he'd do all he could to keep both of them safe. Steve offered her a calm smile and nodded almost like he'd expected as much and he probably had, he knew how close Logan and Natasha were. He knew how much they meant to one another.
"Of course." He knew she wasn't asking for his permission, she didn't need it.
He was her friend not her captor. Steve's own mind was racing as he tried to think of a way he could ensure the safety of Natasha and his best friend's daughter. He cared very deeply for both Bucky and Natasha though he supposed Natasha would think he had a damn funny way of showing it after how much he'd lied to her. He walked out of the room to give her the privacy she needed to make her call. Natasha was glad for it.
She heaved a deep sigh when Steve walked out and her head fell forward, a curtain of long red hair hiding her features and a string of Russian profanities slipped her lips. Natasha had a habit of reverting to talking Russian when she was frustrated. She was frustrated, she was angry but most importantly as much as she didn't want to admit it, she was scared. She wasn't at all bothered about what might happen to her but she was about what might happen to her child.
Alexei knew about her that much was clear already but he hadn't told them about her which begged the question of why. What did he want? What was his end game here? What goddamn horrible thing did he have planned? She hated to even think about it but she had to. She knew him, she could usually outthink him. Her instincts were never this dull. She knew it was the need to protect her daughter that had overridden her training and she wished it hadn't right now.
She pulled out her phone and told Logan that she'd agreed to be put under the protection of SHIELD, just as she'd expected he didn't seem to like the idea any more than she did and she explained that she shared his apprehension but she wasn't sure what else to do and she was glad when he said he'd drop by later. By the end of the call, Natasha found herself feeling more alone now than she ever had.
She had plenty of people around her that had promised to help her and protect her and it wasn't that she didn't trust them to do it it was that they weren't inside of her head. They didn't feel the paralysing fear that she did. They didn't look at that little girl and feel like they were about to break every promise they'd ever made her like she was. They weren't afraid the way that she was. Natasha had never felt this scared in her life.
She had been alone, alone in her thoughts for a good ten minutes trying not to break down as she fought herself for composure when she felt a hand on the small of her back, she would've tensed up and reacted if she didn't recognize the scent of his cologne or the remember with agonizing clarity the way it felt to have his hands on her body, the electricity still jolted through her like it always had.
She kept her eyes closed, he just stepped around her and pulled her into his arms, she buried her head in his chest and she could feel herself fighting not to break. She didn't speak, she didn't have to. He knew her just as well as he always had.
"You're scared, I know you're scared but I swear to you I won't let anyone hurt you. I won't let anyone hurt our baby. I know I screwed up when it comes to both of you but I promise I'll be here. I'll be right by your side just like I always should've been. I won't let you do this alone. I won't let anyone touch our daughter. If that son of a bitch wants a fight he'll find one he can't win. You and me? We're the best of the best and we always were so we fight like we always did. We're a team, we fight side by side and we don't let the other go down. We have each others backs." Him and Natalia against the world.
They were exactly what he said they were: The best of the best. There was no one better than the two of them out there and they both knew it but this was unlike any battle they'd faced before. The stakes were far higher than any battle they'd faced before.
"Pretty promises are one thing James, but we did fall once before. We fell when you faked your death. We fell when I spent years afterward wondering what I could've done differently to protect you. I looked at her and I couldn't bring myself to tell her that I failed. It was all my fault." Natasha pulled out of his arms then. She took in a deep breath and shook her head, she didn't open her eyes for several long moments and when she did they were ablaze with determination.
"What happened doesn't matter. It can't matter. This is the most important mission we've ever had and if we're going to work together we're a team. No lies, no tricks. We fight and we fight for her. If you can't do that for me I'll find someone who can. You're right, we do make a hell of a team but this isn't about how we feel for each other. It can't be about that. If we falter it's her life on the line." That was a chance she was not willing to take. "Don't do this because you love me, do it because you love your daughter. We put aside what we are and we're partners out there. Nothing else matters, agreed?"
He nodded. They'd always been good at separating what they were out in the field and who they were behind closed doors and he was fine with that, he'd always been fine with that. They'd trade the occasional flirty quip but when they were out in the field they were operatives above all else and they worked well together. They'd trained together. She was good. He'd trained her to be good, she'd made herself great.
He was proud of how far his little spider had come and he had been since the day he'd gone toe to toe with him and she'd come out the victor. The student had truly surpassed the master and he couldn't be prouder of that.
"Steve told me he'd shown you the footage." He did exactly as she'd asked: He was focussed on the mission.
She'd wanted him to focus on the mission and that was exactly what he was doing, their mission this time was to save their daughter but she was right: They had to treat it like another operation that they needed to complete only this time the stakes were higher. What they could lose would be the worst thing any of them had ever endured, worse still than losing one another and he knew it was a loss that would never be acceptable. It was a loss that could never happen.
"I need to reach out to some of my old contacts. Some people I'd rather not speak to..." She breathed slowly. She couldn't find calm no matter what she tried.
"The kinds of people I don't want to owe favors to but if it'll get me enough to even start to figure out what he's going, I guess I have no choice." She'd do it. She'd do it in a heartbeat for her daughter's sake but they were bad people. They were terrible people.
He could see it in her face, she didn't like the idea of going down that rabbit hole. She didn't like the idea of ever reaching out to the shadows she'd sought so hard to stay away from but Natasha was so strong and determined, she'd fall down as deep into the darkness as she needed to for those she loved and she'd do it without a second thought, he could only begin to imagine the lengths she'd be willing to go through for her child.
"Just don't get lost down in that darkness," he replied gently. "We'll figure it out but we need you to win this fight, Nat."
Natasha, calling her that still felt wrong. He didn't know her as Natasha, he knew Natalia. He knew her as Natalia.
"Natalia listen to me: we're going to beat this asshole. We're going to beat him but you can't lose yourself in the process." He made sure he held her attention.
"I know," she sounded so stubborn and determined. He shook his head.
"No, you don't. You're not thinking clearly and I understand why I really understand why but listen to me: You're no good to her if you're lost. Use whatever resources you need but make sure they don't use you, too. Don't go in alone."
"You're gonna have my back just like the old days, James? I play pretty and helpless and you take the shot for me?" She smirked as she spoke.
She leaned forward just a little bit and placed her finger beneath his chin with a seductive smile. "I was never helpless, handsome. Don't you ever forget I never find myself in a situation I can't control."
That wasn't Natasha. That wasn't who SHIELD and years of attempted heroics had made her that was speaking to him. That was Natalia Romanova, The Black Widow. The Red Room graduate, the assassin. The deadly, beautiful woman that he'd fallen in love with and damn it he'd almost forgotten just how much power she could have over someone effortlessly when she wanted to.
"I uh..." He swallowed as he tried to reply.
She smirked and laughed.
"Still think I need you to save me?" she poked playfully. "I haven't forgotten who I am, James. I may have a child but I'm still me. I know exactly how to handle myself."
"I forgot how good you were." His heart was racing. "I haven't seen that side to you in a hell of a long time..."
"Buried for a good reason but never ever gone. I know exactly which side of me to use when I need to use it. Calculated, remember? They trained me to manipulate my situation in my favor and this'll be no different."
Ah. He understood now. If Alexei wanted to play her, she was going to play him right back only he knew for a fact that Natasha was better at it... Alexei was just more short tempered than Natasha was. He was more likely to take the shot but then he had a sinking feeling it was what she wanted.
"What's your play here, Nat?" he questioned dubiously.
She just shrugged.
"Prove to everyone out there that thinks they can get the better of me that they're wrong. They think they're the shadows and it makes them safe, they seem to forget that the monsters like the darkness the best. I haven't been that person in a long time but they're threatening my baby. If they want to provoke something deadly, I'll remind them exactly why people were afraid of me, to begin with."
"Be careful, Little Spider."
"I'm not the one who should watch what they're doing," she replied. "You were right when you said it should be like it used to be, you were just wrong on when. The people we've become won't do what's necessary, we may need to be the people we were."
It all sounded so simple when she put it like that... Oh little spider, What the hell are you thinking of doing now?