Life is funny that way
Sometimes it was surprising how fast the years went. She didn't much notice them before because she would probably live forever and that was her curse. She'd live and she'd forever be displaced in this world and that would be her pain, the last and ultimate pain that Ivan had inflicted upon her and she resented him for it to this day. She hated how easy it had been to trick her into taking that goddamn serum.
She hadn't thought she was being played at the time though, she had been young and naive and she'd thought he'd honestly cared about her but then, she realized now that back then she'd had no one that genuinely did. She was young, foolish, and easily led and she'd vowed that she'd never ever allow herself to be manipulated by another person as long as she lived and she hadn't been, at least not for long. She always fought to come out of whatever anyone did to her.
Natasha was strong. Granted, there were times that her strength had failed her but it was only ever momentarily. She'd pick herself up and remind herself of who she was and what she'd overcome and how much her pain had taught her over the years and she'd shake it off and get up and fight back. Down but never out, never ever out.
Until he'd died. It was then that she felt like she was indeed down and out because it felt like the world had ended that day, she'd lost people in the past but never like that. She had never had to stand there and watch the man that she loved die while she begged someone - anyone - to do anything. Anything to save him, anything to stop him dying on her then but there had been nothing anyone could do.
Sometimes not even SHIELD could pull off a miracle that good. She didn't hate them for it anymore, she had but she didn't now. What was the use in hating them? It would get her nowhere. Resentment and anger toward them wasn't going to bring him back, it wasn't going to change anything that happened that day but that didn't mean that she didn't still hate herself somewhere inside of her but she'd tried to bury it.
Parenting was hard. No one told you that. No one told you how impossible it was to live with such a crushing sadness and be overwhelmed with such love all at the same time; she'd always been so closed off to most things by design. If nothing got that close, it couldn't hurt that much when she'd lost it. That was why a part of her - just for a moment - had wished that she'd never let him get close to her again, it wouldn't have hurt so bad.
Ha, who was she kidding? It was always going to hurt.
Sometimes it still felt like the morning after for her, the moment where she woke up just hoping for one goddamn split second that it had all been a bad dream just to be hit with the realization like a speeding train. Sometimes, it felt like that feeling never ever really left but it had been years since that day. Years.
Literally.
8 years 11 months and 27 days to be specific.
In that time, Natasha Romanov had lived all over the world and hadn't settled in one place for more than a few years because it wasn't safe that was even if she settled for more than a few months. Healthy? No. But it was the best way to stay alive and it was the best way to stay a ghost. Don't be anywhere anyone can track for too long. Don't stop looking over your shoulder, she knew that better than most. She'd spent years trying to stay under the radar so she knew how to do it.
She'd made sure not even the people that cared for her could track her unless she'd wanted them to. She'd let Logan do it more than she probably should have over the past few years simply because he was worried and she knew he was. He cared about her and he was probably the closest thing she had to an actual family member. He'd known her when she was little more than a foolish little kid, someone that was brainwashed and blinded to the world and he'd begged her to let him save her.
She'd saved him though. She'd let him go, she couldn't go with him but she'd made sure he survived, and that had been Natasha's first act of rebellion: She saved Logan's life.
Or spared it, she wasn't even sure there was a distinction anymore. Clint too had been left little breadcrumbs to follow when she knew he was going crazy wondering if she was safe or not but everyone else had been kept at bay because she just didn't want to go back to what she'd left behind, not yet. She wasn't ready and she wasn't sure she'd ever be ready, but life had a funny way of working out.
The last 13 months had been spent in Ireland of all places. She happened to be quite fond of the scenery. The quietness of small towns drove her insane and bigger cities were a risk. People thought it was easier to disappear in a big city but they were idiots; bigger cities meant more CCTV. It meant that you were on camera more times than you were off it so she had opted for smaller places that had enough residents so not everyone knew everyone but were small enough to mean that there wasn't a real reason to have a camera on every goddamn street corner.
It worked. She'd left Clint information in a dead drop, he was the only one bar James that knew Natasha's drops. She'd used them for as long as she could remember, secret little places that she'd hide away important things and pass along things that she couldn't do in person and it had proven to be a rather useful system. She didn't keep a cellphone for more than 2 days, she didn't keep a computer at all and pretty much everything she did was paid in cash.
No paper trail. Spycraft 101: Don't give them anything to tie back to you. Cash was harder to trace.
Clint and Logan helped with it. She had a few accounts under aliases that they'd been able to access on her behalf and she was appreciative of that. She was glad that not everyone knew every alias she'd used over her 80+ years of life. It had been... Had it really been that long? Years sometimes passed by so fast.
The last almost nine of them had.
A sigh broke Natasha's lips, she'd become restless months after the baby had been born, literally months. She was not good at being out of commission so Logan - thankfully - would help her out. He'd stop by and babysit for her so that she could work just to give herself something to do. There were so few people that she'd trust with her child but she'd trusted Logan with her life since that night and she knew that he could've killed her.
She could've killed him too. They were both aware of just what the other one was and she didn't mind in the slightest; they both had a darkness inside of them that few understood but they understood one another and that was enough, and by proxy it meant that she got to spend time with Laura, running missions with someone was helpful. Aliases, covers... Nat was smart. She knew how to change her appearance and where to reach out for supplies that couldn't be traced back to her.
Everything was in cash. She'd only done it to keep some sense of normality in her life. It was the closest thing that she got to having one after. If she didn't work, they all knew that she'd end up going insane. Natasha was never going to be a civilian no matter what and telling herself otherwise had been stupid, foolish and almost caused more damage to her than she wanted to admit. She needed to be herself, she needed to do something to keep herself busy.
Did she love being a mother? Of course! She hated the thought of leaving her child behind but it was for both of their sakes; they needed money to survive and have a half-decent life and she needed to work in order to stay far, far away from the pit of depression that had consumed her after his death. She fought on for his sake and in his memory. He didn't get to walk away, why should she? Yes, she had a reason to stay out of that world but she kept her two lives very, very separate and she had good help doing that.
Nothing was ever, ever traceable.
She stretched out lazily as she leaned against the doorframe of her front door, she studied the garden in front of her and she made a mental note to accept that kid down the streets offer to come and neaten it up for her as she waited for her hyperactive, intelligent and very enthusiastic 8 year old to stop messing around with their neighbor's dog and actually come inside. She'd been bugging her for one of her own for quite a while now but Natasha maintained a strict No.
It wasn't that she didn't want to say Yes but traveling with pets was harder. Too much paperwork.
Her hair shone red in the sun though it was a subtle tone, nothing like the fire of her mother's there was definitely something in there whereas her eyes? Purely his. Blue and clear like crystal, she had his smile too and his mischievous sense of humor. It was hard for her most days but it was also a comfort, a part of the man she loved lives on every damn day in the eyes and heart of a bright-eyed girl who loved her father.
Natasha had made sure she knew him, she told her stories. Stories of how he tried, of how he fought to do the right thing, of how he saved her mother and he made her realize that loving someone was okay. She made sure she knew that he was brave and he was kind and he was strong and he would've loved her more than anything else in this world. She'd given her a picture and told her that no matter what, her daddy loves her. He might not be there but he'd love her more than the world itself.
Living with the pain of what had happened to James and then having his child had been why she was so thankful to have Logan around when he was.
It was painful, it was more painful than she could even begin to explain and it hurt her in ways that she couldn't begin to put into words but she was glad that she had that reprieve when the pain got too much and she could just blow off some steam and find a way to let that pain out in a way that wasn't going to eat away at her inside. It was good, it was good that her baby had someone else in her life that she could love and have there for her.
Doing it almost all alone was hard but doing it without even a tiny bit of help felt like it would've been impossible.
The next thing she felt was a pair of arms throw themselves around her waist hard enough to throw her off balance and a set of bright blue eyes turned up toward her mother's face and Natasha let out a small chuckle.
"You're walking the dog before dinner again, aren't you?" She wasn't even sure why she asked.
The little girl grinned and nodded her head, Natasha rolled her eyes. That she was damn sure she got from Clint because whenever he'd come to visit he spent hours playing with the damn thing, he'd stopped by three times since they lived here passing it off as him just passing through but she knew better. Natasha loved dogs, she really did but she didn't exactly go out of her way to pet one as those two did. It was sweet really. She was glad that her child was normal in ways that she never ever was.
"Fine, but I want you back by six and take Jake with you. You know I hate you being out alone." Jake was the neighbor's son.
Natasha wasn't about to trust a 9-year-old boy with her child but she'd learned that having someone else around often deterred any stupid people from trying anything or in some cases left a witness in case they still felt brave enough.
They were in the same class at school and they'd been friends since they'd first moved here, kids made friends so easily. She didn't like it at first, it made her anxious and she kept her guard up even now but she realised quickly that expecting a child not to make friends and to keep herself isolated wasn't fair. Children deserved to be children, she couldn't expect her to live in a gilded cage and she never would, she had been denied childhood she wouldn't do that to her own daughter.
Having a child was still a strange thing for her.
The little girl nodded her head and slipped past her to go inside, releasing a soft sigh before she shook her head she turned around and made her way back inside closing the door behind her. She was still wondering how long it'd be safe to stay here, it was never safe for long. Nothing was ever safe for long with people like her. She needed to keep things as packed away and minimal as possible which wasn't an easy thing.
She knew that the little girl hated having to flit from place to place all the time but she could never stop worrying, move and always move just in case. Never give them a target that was easy to find. Having a child put not only that little girl in danger but herself, too. Most nights, she was pulled back to the exact place in her dreams that reminded her why it was unsafe to be a little girl out there in the world. She knew what they could do to little girls.
She knew how that world ate them up and spat out monsters with no innocence or choice of their own, just like her and just like Yelena and she'd be damned if her baby was going to go through that too but it was probably her biggest fear now especially should anyone find out that not only was her mother was the famous Black Widow but her father was The Winter Soldier. The child would undoubtedly have a target on her back bigger than the one she already bore without even knowing it. She'd protected her from all of that so far but she wondered how long that protection would be able to last.
When she hit her teenage years it'd be more difficult no doubt, teenagers were stubborn. Teenagers kicked up way more of a fuss than younger kids did. She was already stubborn about it but there was very little she could do. Her mother was the ruling party here and while she didn't like it and she got moody about it for a few days afterward she was compliant but teenagers? They tended to argue a hell of a lot more than an 8-year old did. Natasha hated uprooting her but she knew it was better than the danger.
She had plenty of enemies that'd do untold damage if they got a hold of her daughter.
True to her promise, the girl skipped back in at 6 pm... Covered in mud. With a rose brow and a curious expression, Natasha studied the girl and a soft chuckle broke her lips as she shook her head. She knew all too well by now that she was far from the girly type, she loved to run and climb and throw herself down a muddy hill rather than playing with dolls which was something Natasha was thankful for; she hated the freaky things they were creepy as all hell. She'd always hated dolls.
It reminded her too much of Madame Lida. She kept far too many of them in her horrible little office, it was where the girls were sent when they needed a wardrobe for a mission. The thought had her flexing her hand but she didn't take her eyes off of the muddy girl in front of her.
"Charlie pulled us down a hill," the girl spoke innocently, offering her mother a sweet smile.
Natasha crouched down in front of her and smiled.
"No, you pulled Charlie down the hill, I know you too well little one." With that, she leaned forward to place a kiss on the end of her nose.
"Go jump in the shower and I'll order us a pizza for dinner." She was planning on cooking something tonight but that sounded like a better option.
Especially with a messy child that had to shower and a whole new load of laundry, she'd now have to do. Yep, parenting was hard but she wouldn't change it for the world.
Hell, this was one of the easier things about it she supposed. That sense of mischief and adventure was something she loved her child having. Natasha had that quelled and taken away from her when she wasn't much younger than her daughter was now. She wouldn't have the same thing happen to her.
If she wanted to find her own sense of freedom her mother would support that because she knew what it was to have none.
Her daughter asked her a lot about her own childhood, she told stories. She made something - anything - up that was so far from the truth and while she hated lying, she knew that it was for the best because "Mommy was a manipulated child assassin" didn't make for a pretty story to tell any child. Stories were better, the made-up crap that Natasha came up with was far better than the truth and she was used to having to keep her stories in line it was almost like another cover.
This was supposed to be the truest thing in her life and yet it was marred with lies just like everything else was but at least these lies were her own choice and to protect someone that didn't deserve to know just how cold and dark the world was.
Life - as dull as she found it sometimes - was quiet and uneventful for a good month until one particular day where her whole world was turned upside down. Again.
8:47am Monday, December 7th:
She had the same routine now for months, she'd walk to drop her daughter off at school alternating routes and times that they'd leave and most days she'd be there to pick her up again unless she begged her to let her walk home with Jake and nothing changed. Nothing happened and there was no reason at all for any alarm but this morning, Natasha returned home to expecting to find absolutely nothing but maybe a quick message from Logan to tell her he'd be stopping by this weekend just like he always did around this time of year because he bought Christmas gifts and stayed for a week or two wherever they were living at the time just so that he could spend some time with the two of them and check to make sure that Natasha was holding up okay but pinned to her door was a manila envelope and inside, a set of pictures - clearly surveillance - of her and her daughter dating back now six months.
She spent longer than she should have to check over them, rechecking them to see if there was even a little detail that could point her toward whoever was following her.
How had she been this clumsy? How hadn't she realized someone was following her while she lived here and most importantly why hadn't they done anything about it? Nothing about any of this made a bit of sense; Natasha knew scare tactics better than most but if this was step one she wasn't going to wait around to see what the rest of the plan was. She didn't even know how long they'd known she was here.
Shit. Time to go. Again.
Turning the photographs over onto the back simply to check if there was anything there she could use, Natasha noted the scattered writing on the back of each picture once she got inside and placed them all out on the carpet in front of her the words in front of her screamed a threat that she'd been dreading now for years:
You're never safe Little Spider.
It was the name James had for her back in the Red Room. It was a nickname few knew of and fewer still were brave enough to use but there were a few people who were and a few people who'd be brave enough to do this and those were the kinds of people that she'd been running from all these years but the worst part of it all was a picture that had nothing at all on it but a face she knew far too well; she stared down at a face that she hadn't seen save for whatever cover the asshole had chosen to use for almost 50 years and her eyes widened in shock.
She doubted he even knew who he was anymore not that she cared. He was too twisted up.
In his hands, he held a white piece of paper with three words written on it that made her as angry as the smirk on his goddamn face:
See you soon.
Fuck. Run.
That smug fucking bastard.
With a hammering heart, Natasha grabbed her jacket from the floor next to her as she threw herself to her feet and bolted for the door; her daughter was in danger and nothing in that moment meant more to her than getting to that damn school and finding out that she was safe. The school was under strict orders NOT to let her leave with anyone but her mother. If anyone showed up that wasn't Natasha or a prior arrangement between her, the school, and Logan, the police were to be called immediately and that was the end of it.
She had no doubt that anyone from her world would be able to bypass local law enforcement easily but the commotion would give her time to get there herself. All she needed was a moment's distraction on their behalf and she could intervene, they lived close enough for that and she'd made sure of it. She wasn't going to risk leaving her child unguarded for even a moment if she could help it but she'd put in other little failsafe too, she had a panic alarm in her bag, she had taught her basic self-defense and she knew enough to be able to incapacitate a grown man.
Natasha never did want her to have even a chance nor a reason to use it though, she had taught her simply to make sure that she was safe and she'd made it into a game, a bonding activity so that the little girl never once sensed that her mother thought she might one day fall into harm's way.
The young girls blue eyes fell on her mother who looked relieved as hell that she was still there and unharmed as she quite literally skidded to a hall outside of her classroom and she opened the door wordlessly and held out her hand, the look on Natasha's face told the young girl all that she needed to know and a sad expression crossed her features as she looked at the young boy that had become her best friend over the last 8 months and she mouthed a goodbye before she took her mother's hand and left, blue eyes turned toward her mother as she wordlessly asked a million questions that'd probably never get answered.
When her mother decided it was time to go, it was time to go.
When you were trying to outrun a psychotic assassin that just didn't seem to want to stay dead there wasn't a whole hell of a lot of time for formalities or asking the schools permission to pull her out at all and that meant questions and questions were something that took more time than Natasha had to waste at this point. They couldn't comprehend the danger that they were facing here.
"I'm sorry baby," Natasha spoke with a gentle sigh as they arrived back home.
"Pack up only what you need, okay? Anything else can be replaced." Possessions were meaningless that was why Natasha barely had any aside from clothes.
The little girl walked toward her room and while she could hear her quietly sob, she knew too that there was nothing she could do. They couldn't stay here, it wasn't safe and the only choice they had now was to run, to run to the one place that Natasha Romanov had left behind nine years ago and hadn't even thought about going back to since.
Naturally, the spy's next move was two phone calls: One to Logan to charter her a flight immediately and the other to Clint Barton. Logan had been happy to help; he had friends all around the world and a private plane was far safer for Natasha than traveling publically was but Clint? That call went something like this:
"I'm coming back to New York," Natasha sighed as she spoke, she held the phone with her ear and her shoulder.
She leafed through her clothing and tossed what she'd know she need into a travel bag.
"What? Really? Why?" He sounded utterly shocked and she expected nothing less.
"Because I wanna know why SHIELD knew my psychotic ex-husband was still alive and didn't bother to tell anyone," she sounded pissed.
"Oh, fuck." Clearly, he was starting to grasp what Natasha already knew: She was in danger and big danger at that.
Clint had been with her once when she'd faced that particular monster before. Ninjas, mountain pass... He shuddered as he held the phone and processed the situation; he was glad at that moment that she couldn't see him. That hadn't been a fun week. Turns out that the dead bastards never did seem to stay dead. Maybe someone ought to do something about that... Who did one complain to when dead psychos didn't stay dead? Humanity needed an HR department, or at least their side of it did.
Her best bet was to return to the home that she'd run the hell away from and trust the people in her life that she'd turned away from all those years before, at least once she got answers anyway and she'd decided who she could trust after that.
"This time I'm gonna make sure the bastard says dead," she sounded resolute as she spoke.
He knew she meant it, too.
"Can you get some things ready for when I get back? You still have a key to my place, right? Logan has some deliveries coming, supplies for me and the kid... We'll need someone there to--"
"Yeah no, I'm there. I got it. Come home safe, 'kay? I'll see you soon." He could tell she was stressed enough.
She was trying not to make it too obvious but as she finished speaking and a small figure appeared in the doorway to her room and held up her bag, Natasha released a sad sigh.
"We'll see you in a few hours, thanks, Clint." She turned to look at the girl then. "Looks like we're going to New York, you can go see Uncle Clint..." All she got in return though was a half-smile.
It was a small comfort but clearly, not enough and Natasha couldn't blame her daughter at all for being upset, she knew how much she'd loved living here.
"But we won't stay there either." The little girl spoke in a way that sounded utterly heartbreaking.
She knew she couldn't promise her they would, she could offer her no guarantees at all, and that? That was what made days like this fucking impossible.
It was days like this she felt like a terrible mother.