We're the runaways
Traveling with a child that had decided to be in a mood with you the whole damn trip? Not fun. Natasha had given up trying to get to her to talk after about two hours. It wasn't that she didn't want her to talk to her, it was more the fact that she'd realized a long time ago that she'd inherited her mother's stubbornness and she wouldn't talk until she wanted to.
She just settled for shaking her head and apologizing before she left it at that and text, Clint, to meet her at the airfield.
He did as she'd requested.
He'd naturally been curious but she'd thrown him an immediate look to tell him that here - and now - was not the time to ask about it. Instead, he offered the tiny - not so tiny now, man she's grown! - girl a big smile and pulled her into his arms.
"Em! Man, I missed you buttercup," Clint spoke to the young girl who - for once in hours - actually smiled.
"I missed you too Uncle Clint," she replied as she buried her head against him. He grinned at Natasha.
"And your momma too I guess," he spoke with an amused smile before he looked back down at the little girl.
"You're sad huh?" She inhaled and nodded. "Mom made us come here. I liked where we were." Natasha looked back at the sullen girl.
She offered her an apologetic look but the girl did little more than glare at her which wasn't more than she could expect. She had uprooted her life - again - took her away from her friends - again - made her travel to a place she didn't know - again - and the only silver lining to all of this was that she'd actually get to hang out with Clint more. Natasha ran her hand through her hair and shook her head.
Great. She'd messed up big time yet again and she was just trying to protect her daughter. Clint rubbed the top of the youngsters head as he pulled out of their hug and he crouched down as he looked at her.
"Y'know your mom loves you and she just wants you to be happy. Maybe she thought you'd be happier here with your family. Uncle Logan and I are closer now and that's cool right?" He offered her a playful smile.
She pouted, at least at first before a soft smile crossed her features and she let out a small laugh.
"Yeah, that is pretty cool..." She was acting somewhat pouty though just a little. Just enough to have her mother roll her eyes anyway.
"Okay, first stop SHIELD. I have a very interesting conversation to have with Steve Rogers. Wait, is he still in charge?" Natasha glanced at Clint then.
Clint shrugged.
"Eh, kinda. He helps Daisy and Hill mostly. It's a whole thing like no one is actually in charge and no one knows where the hell Fury is but, things still run so it kinda works," he shrugged then.
She rose a brow though. None of that made any goddamn sense to her but then it was SHIELD and leadership never was their strong point, or maintaining it wasn't anyway. Instead, Natasha shrugged her shoulders.
"Steve works." She should probably talk to him anyway.
"You wanna drop Em at my place? I'll call Katie over to babysit?" He offered, he knew how protective Natasha was. SHIELD for the kid was a huge risk.
"What's a SHIELD?" The little girl looked between the two of them.
"My old work, baby. And no, she's coming with me," she replied gritting her teeth.
He should've guessed there was no way in hell she'd leave her kid alone in this city. Far too risky, too many people running around that could be considered dangerous but taking her there meant that other people would eventually ask questions and he wasn't sure how Natasha would answer them but that wasn't his business. She'd handle it however she saw fit and so she should, it was her daughter and her secret.
The trip over to SHIELD had Natasha undoubtedly on edge and the moment they got there, she glanced to Clint. He could see that she was nervous and he could see that she wasn't sure how this would play out, Natasha didn't have a plan. He'd tried to ask her about it on the way over but all she'd told him was that she didn't know what she was going to do or even how this would work out but she'd at least showed him the other part of her unwanted package: A SHIELD report on Alexei. None of them were sure how whomever had left her that damn envelope had gotten the info though.
That was worrying.
"Take her to the conference room? I'll be with you soon." Or so she hoped. He could do nothing but nod and comply with her wishes.
He'd much rather take her someplace that he deemed to be safer or at least more fun for her but he'd find a way to amuse her he was sure. At this point he supposed he could only be thankful that she trusted him alone with her child, she knew that there were probably few people that she'd ever trust alone with her and he was glad he was one of them but then Nat knew Clint would rather die than hurt her.
Natasha though made her way to Steve's office, she didn't bother to knock because the door was already open. She glanced at the man that she hadn't seen for nine years now and she inhaled as she studied him.
"Hello Steve." Awkward. She felt awkward.
This was awkward. He looked at her like he'd literally seen a ghost and a look of shock appeared on his features as he walked toward her and studied her properly. She hadn't changed at all bar the fact that her hair was longer and tied back out of her face but she looked the same as she had the last time he'd seen her but then that was to be expected, Natasha didn't age either.
"Natasha, I thought you were-- We all thought you were dead." He hated that thought, he really had. He didn't want to believe that she was dead too, not after...
Steve Rogers sighed before he glanced toward Natasha and he watched the smirk that appeared on her features. She shrugged her shoulders, she'd done a good job of disappearing for this long then.
"Good. I'd rather that than have anyone look for me." She knew that had to hurt but she didn't mean for it to.
It was the truth but still, he recoiled a little bit.
"Why? Why would you do that?" Why would she disappear? He supposed he already knew the answer to that. He knew how much Bucky's death would have hurt her.
He'd seen the pain in her eyes when the person she loved had died and how much she'd suffered as a result of that but the knowledge that he didn't even warrant a goodbye from her personally without a doubt hurt but in his own way he knew he hadn't the right to have expected that courtesy. He'd thought they were closer than that but then Steve Rogers had secrets of his own so he could hardly stand there and lecture her for keeping hers.
"Because I had to," she replied as though it were the simplest thing in the world.
"Where have you been, Natasha? I sent teams out looking for you for months but we found nothing." He didn't understand.
She hadn't expected him to understand and she certainly had never intended on showing up like this. She'd settled on the fact that she'd left and she'd left for a damn good reason. She didn't want to come back, coming back would only ever be a last resort and it had, coming back had been the only option that she'd had when she faced the danger that she knew she couldn't deal with on her own.
"Everywhere. I moved around a lot, I didn't want to be tracked, Steve. I wanted to leave and stay gone because there was nothing keeping me here anymore. I know I had my team and my friends but this wasn't about anyone else. I needed to leave because leaving was the safer option for me than staying was." It had been safer for her daughter more to the point but she hoped Steve would assume she meant for her mental state.
Though it was for that too. Staying here with so many memories would be just as hard for her as facing them all over again now was. She had to deal with it though because unfortunately right now New York with everyone that she'd walked away from was the safest place in the world for her.
"I know what happened hurt you," he replied gently.
He also knew that was an understatement. He knew what happened that night had nearly destroyed her and he couldn't imagine the pain that she must have gone through or how hard it must be to be back here now.
She looked at him though and shook her head. No, he didn't understand. He didn't understand because his relationship with Bucky - while important and the two of them had been incredibly close - it wasn't the decades upon decades that she'd loved him even when he had no idea who she was. That wasn't the point of this conversation and it certainly wasn't the point of her being back here so she instead just turned curious eyes toward him.
"Why didn't you tell Barton that Alexei was alive?" It sounded almost like a demand.
He tilted his head to the side then and he looked troubled. How-
"How do you know about that?" The way he spoke was strange in a way that she couldn't quite pin down.
She tossed the piece of paper at his chest then. He bent down to scoop it up off of the floor.
"Because I got that pinned to my door along with a threat." She sounded angry. She sounded hurt.
She sounded betrayed. He couldn't blame her in the slightest.
"I never thought it'd- He had no reason to come after anyone here and we didn't know you were even alive because you'd done that good a job at disappearing, not even Clint said he knew where you were so I thought you were really gone, that maybe you'd gone after the wrong person and you hadn't come back from it. I didn't think he could hurt you anymore."
Ah. That made sense. She closed her eyes for a moment and sighed.
"That information could hurt a lot of people, Steve. That man is more dangerous than you understand even if I wasn't- Even if I'd died? He'd come after Clint and Bobbi just because he could. They fought him the same as I did that day and I know him well enough to know he never lets go of a grudge." Anyone that bested him had to pay.
All four of them had bested him. Her, James, Clint and Bobbi. That information was valuable and lifesaving in a way that she now saw Steve Rogers couldn't possibly comprehend, even after all these years he still didn't understand people from the world that her and James had escaped from. Even after all these years so few people here understood just how dangerous shadows and ghosts could be.
"I didn't know." He'd had no idea because their off-book missions were never asked about.
"That world will never stop being dangerous to us. To me, to them not after they worked with me or got into it themselves," she sighed. She'd never meant to drag them into that world. She'd never meant to drag them into that world but they made enemies that intertwined with it throughout even their individual missions so there really was no way she could avoid it or protect them from it forever though she might have wanted to.
"I need you to come with me, I have something you need to see, and maybe then you'll understand." And she turned to walk out giving Steve no option but to follow her.
She didn't say anything, not a word even as he asked her where she was taking him, her mind was racing and she was absolutely terrified of everything that was about to transpire and how he'd become aware of her biggest secret. She truly wanted to keep her daughter away from all of the danger that this world and SHIELD and everything that she'd tried to escape from but as it turned out not even an overprotective mother could keep her safe forever.
Steve Rogers asked her about everything possible until they reached their destination and she opened the door to the conference room and two sets of eyes moved to her; Clint had the young girl trying to hit a spot on the wall with paper balls. Natasha offered the two of them a gentle smile, she glanced sideways at Steve who had a look of utter confusion on his features. He looked over at Natasha and opened his mouth like he wanted to say something but nothing came out.
"She's why I left, Steve." She watched him figure it all out in his head as he studied the child before him.
Penny drop. Steve Rogers looked shocked.
"Is she-" Is she Buckys? He couldn't bring himself to say it.
"Yeah." Natasha released a sigh as she spoke.
"Now do you understand the danger I'm in? The danger she's in?" She emphasized that last part, she could handle herself.
She'd learned quite a while ago that Alexei would rather toy with her and torment her than actually kill her, he'd had more than enough chances and he'd blown every damn one of them. Her child was just that though: A child. A child that he could use, a child that was different and special.
Steve though was still trying to process the fact that his best friend had a daughter and that Natasha had left to protect that life rather than telling him and letting him help her. It was obvious that Barton already knew about it, she trusted him alone with the girl which meant that he had indeed known where she was all along despite his claiming otherwise. This situation - unbeknownst to Natasha - was far more complicated than she could possibly comprehend even with her psychotic ex-husband being a factor in all of this.
Bucky Barnes wasn't dead.
Bucky Barnes wasn't dead and he had a daughter he knew nothing about and Steve had helped him fake his death and he knew that when she found out, she'd never forgive him or trust him again for what he'd done and how badly he'd lied to her but he never ever saw something like this coming. Bucky had to do what he did because there were certain monsters that he didn't want Natasha having to face with him.
He'd sworn it was better for her to think he was gone. Steve had argued otherwise but he'd conceded when Bucky had explained that he didn't want her past tormenting her more than it already had. He wanted her to heal from it. He wanted her to get better and to be able to move past it and if she kept being dragged back into it she never would. He wanted to stop it, he wanted to fight to stop it and he wanted to protect her from that. She didn't know then that she'd been in danger but Bucky had.
He didn't suppose Bucky saw any of this coming years later. He must have thought that he'd protected her way back then but he'd failed. He'd obviously failed.
"What's her name?" That small question was about all he could manage.
"Emiliya. We mostly call her Em or Liya. Emiliya Rebecca Barnes, at least technically. She mostly goes by whatever cover name we use when we're moving around but that's her real name." She watched the way he frowned as she spoke.
He looked quizzical. "That's a beautiful name." One that he knew her father would have love "Wait, We?" Ah, had she moved on and gotten herself a new love? Did this little girl believe someone else was her father?
"Logan, Clint, and I. We're the only ones that know about her." No, no she hadn't moved on. "She knows about him, I've told her about him since she was little." She beckoned the girl over then.
"Em, this is Steve Rogers. He was friends with your dad."
Looking into her blue eyes - the same eyes her father had - Steve Rogers felt worse for his lies than he'd ever thought possible. Not only had he lied to Natasha but by extension he'd lied to this poor girl and because of his lies, she hadn't had the chance to have her father there for her. He needed to reach out to Bucky. He knew he was in town if he could just... He sighed. Steve still offered her a bright smile and held out his hand though. He wasn't quite as proficient a liar as Natasha or Bucky or even Clint or Bobbi but still...
"Hi. It's nice to meet you." The little girl spoke sweetly as she took his hand and shook it. Her eyes didn't leave his the whole time.
"Uncle Logan says if someone wants you to shake their hand you should look them in the eyes. He said it's respect." She nodded her head matter-of-factly.
"Yeah? Well, Uncle Logan is right," he chuckled softly. The straight-up way she said things reminded him of Bucky.
She reminded him of Natasha. She was just as strong-willed as both of her parents, he could tell that already.
She was so much like both of them, the red in her hair, the blue of her eyes... That was her parents. Those were the features she'd inherited from those that created that tiny, beautiful life that had grown into a smart young girl. She was a credit to Natasha's ability as a mother. She'd done such a good job raising this girl and she'd had to raise this girl alone because Steve had lied. The crushing guilt he felt right now was almost more than he could stand but he had to hold strong.
He had to hold strong and he had to talk to Bucky.
He had to try to fix this somehow if only he could-- He couldn't stand the guilt. This was harder than he thought it would be, he had no logical reason to believe Nat was dead, he knew her well enough to know that she was strong and that she was someone that would always fight no matter how hard things got for her. Natasha Romanov wasn't someone to give up. She wasn't going to out there and lay down and die.
How could he have been so stupid? How could he have believed that would have ever have been the right thing to do? How could he have honestly believed that Natasha was dead? Bucky didn't seem to believe it but he'd never actually looked for her as far as Steve was aware because if he did, he was pretty sure that he'd have told him he had a daughter and he was pretty sure that he'd have stayed with them. He knew how much Bucky loved Natasha. He knew there was no way in hell that he could have stayed away. He wouldn't do that.
Bucky would never have turned his back on his child if he knew he had one and he had to. This had to be made right. He had to do all he could to fix this, he owed it to Natasha and now he owed it to this poor little girl to bring her father back into her life. He could do that much for her.
"It's really nice to meet you, Em." Steve turned to look at her mother then. "Would you mind if I talked to your mommy alone?"
"Nope. Uncle Clint is teaching me how to hit a target anyway." She grinned then, amused blue eyes turned to her mother who shot Clint a glare over her shoulder.
She made her way out of the room and looked at Steve when they reached his office. She leaned against the table as she looked at him and studied him. She could see he had a million questions and she couldn't blame him but she had more than a few questions herself. None of them seemed to be at the forefront of her mind right now though.
"She seems like a really great kid," Steve commented softly.
Natasha nodded her head despite the sad smile on her features, she doubted she needed to tell Steve that every time she looked at the little girl she saw her father just like she doubted she needed to tell him that she still missed him every damn day. She doubted she needed to tell him that not once in all that time had she stopped loving him and that she never would. She could read it in his eyes, he knew that already.
"She reminds me of him sometimes. She's just as witty and kind as he was, kinda sarcastic too. She's just as mischievous and smart. I wish he'd have known her." That last part was hard to say and he knew it.
She could read that in his eyes too.
"We never talked about being parents because neither of us thought we ever would be. I don't know what miracle made it happen when it did but her? She's here. She's here as impossible as that should've been. She's here. She's him and she's me and I love her more than anything in this universe." So few people saw the most human parts of Natasha but he did, he saw that now more than he ever had before besides the night that Bucky had-
Besides the night that they'd faked Bucky Barnes's death. He couldn't feel any worse if he tried. "Nat I- I'm sorry you had to do this all alone."
"I wasn't alone Steve. I had Logan and Clint." At least during the times they visited, the rest of it she was indeed alone but she didn't mind. "I moved her around a lot to try to keep her safe. I didn't know what the hell else to do. I didn't know how else to protect her, all I've ever known is to run when I feel like I'm in danger and I needed to do that for her." She had no choice, absolutely none and she knew it. Staying here would've been a risk and watching Steve now, she knew he figured that out too.
"I wish you'd-" What right did he have to tell her he wished she'd have let him help her? He sighed.
"What can we do to help now? What can I do to help keep you both safe?"
"I need all the info you have. I need to know that I have a backup if I need it and resources. I can't go after him if I have no assurances I'm coming back. I have to come back, I'm all she has." This was probably the second time since he'd known her that she'd asked for help.
"Whatever you need." He nodded his head then. It really was the least he could do after all that he'd done to her already even if she wasn't aware of how he'd lied to her yet or all of the secrets that he'd kept from her just yet.
Steve Rogers had already caused an untold amount of damage to Natasha and to a poor, innocent child that didn't deserve any of it. This girl needed her father back, Natasha needed to know the truth and she needed to know that none of this had been intended to hurt her but he knew her well enough to know that she was going to be angry, she was going to be angry and both he and Bucky were going to be at the top of Natasha Romanov's shit list. (Not that Steve Rogers cursed at all)
He had no idea how she was going to react but he'd rather she be angry than spend the rest of her life thinking that the father of her child really was gone. Bucky was in for a world of hurt but he knew Natasha well enough to know that ultimately, she'd be glad that he was there and she'd ultimately forgive him. Love worked in strange ways. That and the two of them were no stranger to stories that had to be told to keep the other safe, it wasn't the first time but Steve hoped it'd be the last.
"Thank you, Steve. You can't put anything on any official file about her, please. Promise me." There was a desperation in her eyes he'd never seen before.
Steve offered her a gentle look. "I'd never do that." Never, not ever would he put that poor, innocent girl in danger.
This whole situation was a mess, such a mess.
"I need to get back to her and get her home." At least this time - Steve knew - it wasn't a permanent goodbye.
"Of course. I'll come by and see you tomorrow and drop off whatever information I can dig up," Steve promised. "I'm really glad you're back, Natasha."
It remained to be seen though whether or not she was.
Back into the fire, then.