Chapter 1
Tony would say that the current situation is not his fault. Okay? How was he to know that when he hacked S.H.I.E.L.D.’s databases for the hundredth time that he’d see something that he really, really didn’t want to see? If the situation is anyone's fault it was S.H.I.E.L.D., duh. If they’d given him access to their files when he'd asked the first time (and second, third, ninety-ninth, etc) then he wouldn’t have to keep breaking in to read them.
Maybe he should just develop a bug that would stay in their system undetected and wouldn't require Tony to re-hack them every other week? (He better make a note of that too F.R.I.D.A.Y. They needed to get on that.)
But he was getting sidetracked. The thing was, Tony knew that Deadpool and Spider-Man were acquainted. He was aware that they occasionally teamed up up and patrolled together. He'd had many arguments with Peter it. Peter was just too trusting and too willing to give Deadpool a chance.
“But Mr. Stark, if I don’t teach him then who will? He’s getting way better.”
“Jesus, kid.”
Tony sighed. He had thought that their relationship with strictly professional. According to S.H.I.E.L.D it was not.
What did he find on the database that made him question his existence and the sanity of his intern? Only something that wanted him to bleach his brain and forget he'd ever seen it. He’d accidentally stumbled across transcripts of text messages from Deadpool’s phone and Peter’s Spider-Man phone. Apparently S.H.I.E.L.D. liked to keep these things on file. How they’d gotten the transcripts, Tony would never know. (He should probably do something about that. He couldn't have them hacking into his phone, after all. Imagine the scandal! Pepper would be so disappointed.)
“Ah, what the heck.”
---
Sunday, June 30th, 2019
9:36 pm
Peter: I can't believe we just did that.
9:40 pm
Wade: Uh...
9:42 pm
Peter: Mr. Stark is going to kill me.
9:43 pm
Wade: I doubt it. If anything, he's going to kill me. He's just going to be moderately disappointed in you.
9:43 pm
Peter: Shit.
---
Monday, July 1st, 2019
1:02 am
Wade: Same time next week?
1:20 am
Peter: Might as well.
---
Monday, July 8th, 2019
9:32 am
Wade: That was too much fun.
9:50 am
Peter: Glad you enjoyed yourself.
9:53 am
Wade: We neeeeed to do it again sometime.
9:54 am
Peter: I’m down.
9:55 am
Wade: Excellent.
---
Later that day... Monday, July 8th, 2019
3:34 pm
Wade: I think I nearly died again and went to heaven.
3:36 pm
Peter: ??
3:36 pm
Wade: I can’t stop thinking about you double fisting that meat.
3:37 pm
Wade: Your jaw practically unhinged itself. Are you sure that you were bitten by a spider?
3:37 pm
Wade: Cause I gotta say, snakes.
3:37 pm
Peter: Really Wade?
3:37 pm
Wade: :)
3:41 pm
Peter: It was rather awesome. Didn’t know they made them that big in Canada.
3:45 pm
Wade: Everything is better in Canada baby.
3:46 pm
Peter: I think I’m going to be sore for days.
3:38 pm
Wade: Next time I’ll let you ride me back.
3:38 pm
Peter: Appreciated.
---
Saturday, July 13th, 2019
9:59 pm
Peter: You ruined my favourite shirt.
10:10 pm
Wade: I don’t compute.
10:17 pm
Peter: You got your disgusting white sauce all over it.
10:18 pm
Wade: Oops. Sorry?
10:18 pm
Peter: Next time you better get napkins.
---
Sunday, July 21st, 2019
11:30 pm
Wade: I don’t think I’m going to walk straight for a week.
11:35 pm
Peter: I’m not surprised.
11:37 pm
Wade: You are seriously awesome.
11:37 pm
Peter: Duh.
---
Saturday, July 27th, 2019
4:20 pm
Wade: I love you.
4:21 pm
Peter: Same.
4:42 pm
Wade: Dick.
---
Saturday, August 10th, 2019
10:01 pm
Peter: I think you broke my back.
10:01 pm
Wade: ;)
10:01 pm
Peter: I’m serious.
10:03 pm
Wade: No I’m Sirius.
10:04 pm
Peter: Dickhead.
---
Friday, August 16th, 2019
9:05 am
Wade: Tacos or chimichangas?
9:10 am
Peter: Is that supposed to be a euphemism for something?
9:11 am
Peter: I’m gonna say both. Just to be safe.
---
Sunday, August 18th, 2019
2:30 pm
Peter: If you send me another dirty picture I am going to scream.
2:30 pm
Wade: Tell me more.
2:32 pm
Peter: You're ridiculous. I'm going to come over and teach you some manners.
2:33 pm
Wade: Yes please.
---
Sunday, September 1st, 2019
9:30 am
Wade: Are you ready yet?
9:33 am
Peter: Be ready in five.
---
Monday, September 2nd, 2019
8:57 am
Peter: I’ve never had a more glorious experience.
9:15 am
Wade: I told you that if was life changing.
9:20 am
Peter: I can’t believe I’ve got so long without.
9:40 am
Wade: What can I say? I’m magic baby.
9:43 am
Peter: Fuck that was great.
9:50 am
Wade: Nobody’s gonna believe that you just swore.
9:51 am
Wade: I don’t know if I should be proud or go into hiding from Captain America and Iron Man.
9:55 am
Peter: I doubt they’d kill you.
9:56 am
Peter: Much.
9:58 am
Peter: :)
9:59 am
Wade: Good thing I’m immortal baby boy.
---
Friday, September 20th, 2019
10:00 am
Peter: If you expect me to wear this, you will be sorely disappointed.
10:05 am
Wade: Please. For you?
10:06 am
Peter: Ugh fine.
---
Saturday, September 29th, 2019
4:50 am
Wade: I’m hard.
4:55 am
Peter: Obviously I’ve managed to cope so far.
---
Sunday, September 30th, 2019
2:00 am
Peter: That thing you did with your tongue was ridiculous.
3:00 am
Wade: You’re one to talk.
3:30 am
Peter: Well I’m naturally talented so.
3:33 am
Wade: Omg. Tell me more. How do you know this?
---
Thursday, August 3rd, 2019
10:30 pm
Wade: Want to Netflix and food?
10:36 pm
Peter: Golden Girls?
10:36 pm
Wade: Duh.
10:37 pm
Peter: I want pizza. No more tacos. I’m going to get fat.
10:40 pm
Wade: Awh Spidey. I’d love you anyways.
---
Tony corners Peter after their most recent mission debrief. “Peter, we need to talk. I know that you’re all about redemption,” He waves his hands in the air. “Yadda-yadda. And I’ve been really, really lenient about your friendship with Deadpool. But I have got to draw the line.”
“Mr. Stark?”
Tony sighed. “You’re a smart kid, Peter. You have so many options.” He runs a hand through his hair. “What about Ned? Or that girl MJ? I heard Johnny Storm is currently single?”
“I don’t understand.”
Tony sighs. This was going about as well as he expected. “You’re really going to make me say it, hey kid?”
Peter looks confused. “Uh.”
He might as well come right out and say it. “I know that you and Deadpool are fucking.”
Peter takes a step backwards. He says shrilly, “What, what. No. No. Why would you think that?”
Well shit.
“I saw the text transcripts.”
“Text transcripts?” Peter is looking even more confused now.
Tony hands him a copy of the transcripts.
“Mr. Stark.” He pauses. “How did you even get these?”
“You don’t want to know kid.” Tony sighs. “Trust me, it was an accident.”
“Uh, Mr. Stark?”
“Yes Peter?” Tony thinks this situation is karma. Karma for all the shit he’s put Pepper through. And his mom. And Rhodney. And practically everyone who has ever met him.
“Deadpool and I aren’t, that is to say, aren’t an item.”
“You expect me to believe that? I have evidence.” Tony raises his eyebrows. Peter was going to try to deny this? He points towards the section with the double fisting. And yuck. Not an image that he needs to associate with Peter again.
Peter is blushing. “We went to a taco exhibition. We were talking about it. It was exciting.”
Tony is stumped. Peter’s not exactly a good liar and what he’s saying right now? It reads like the truth. He guesses that he was wrong. How awkward. “Well shit. Sorry kid.”
"It's okay." Peter is beginning to look fidgety. “Actually, Mr. Stark? I just realized something, can I go?”
“Sure, sure.” Tony just wants to forget this entire conversation happened and go back to his lab. Maybe he can make something explode? That would probably make him feel better.
Peter leaves.
---
A few hours later…
Sunday, October 6th, 2019
3:30 pm
Peter: Wade
3:30 pm
Peter: How long have we been sort of not-dating?
3:35 pm
Wade: About time, baby boy.
Well shit.