I was a one man army

Both of them were glad to be back at her place by the end of the night. It was a relief from all of the craziness of the evenings events and she looked utterly exhausted. He took note of the way that almost immediately after she walked inside she fell down on the couch and let out a groan.

She was clearly still stressed out and he couldn't blame her a little bit. He still felt awful for all of it so he remained quiet as they walked inside. He didn't want to end up making this worse if she did in fact view it as a bad thing.

If he hadn't been so personal in his gift choice their secret would still be that: A secret. It was still half at the very least, there was still so much their friends didn't know about them and he was actually a little relieved about that. He knew how difficult her story was to tell. She didn't need to be telling it to every single one of her friends all in one room on one night, not when she already had so much to endure that day. 

He knew her well enough though to know that all she needed was some time to process everything and she would in her own way. This was one of those things that Natasha would need her time to work through because everything had changed for both of them in a heartbeat.

He made his way into her kitchen after he deposited his jacket to make her a hot cup of camomile tea, he knew that she loved it when she'd had a trying time; her favorite would always be strawberry or maybe even lavender depending on the time of day. Lavender was always her favorite at night. It was good for stress and anxiety, he remembered Wanda talking about it a few weeks ago when he'd been telling her he really didn't understand it but it was a tidbit of information he was glad he'd learned.

It wasn't like they'd been afforded such small and simple luxuries when they were together before but he liked to know the little details about her just as much as the bigger ones.

He'd preferred coffee back in the day anyway. It took a whole heck of a lot of energy to keep Steve Rogers from throwing himself into danger all the time. Most people thought that Bucky was the mischievous one when they were younger but it was Steve, it was definitely Steve. Bucky was just the muscle and a bit of a flirt. A jokester too but he was nowhere near as bad as Steve was.

He was quite content in letting everyone think that Steve had been the good kid his whole life. It beat the hell out of telling them and it kept it a private joke between him and Steve which he kind of liked. Natasha knew some of their stories too but then they'd spent the last few weeks trading stories over their nights together, he'd missed a lot of her life since she'd left and he told her the stories he could remember from when he was younger though it was more he was telling her all over again while he pulled his mind together again.

It wasn't like the stories he had to tell once he'd last saw her were positive ones so they didn't delve too much into that for too long, it took too much of a toll on his already fragile mind and he knew no one wanted to do that. The heat of the cup beneath his hands reminded him though that he was human and more importantly, he was free again. He was free to be with the woman he loved and with his best friend and free to be where he chose to be. He made his way into the living room again and placed the cup on the table in front of her as he offered her a careful smile.

She turned sleepy eyes up toward him and reached up to take his hand to tug him toward the couch. As he sat down, she moved to curl into his side and lay her head against his chest. A soft yawn broke her lips as she let out a surprisingly calm sigh. It seemed as though the days troubles didn't matter right now and he was glad for that.

"Are you okay?" he questioned quietly.

She reached up to put her hand on his cheek before she moved to kiss him, as she pulled away she nodded her head. She was without a doubt bothered about everything tonight but she felt content too. She didn't have to lie that much to anyone anymore, none of them did and that was a good thing in its own way. She still kept secrets, they both did but there was time to figure that out later.

Tonight wasn't the time for it. Tonight was supposed to be about her birthday and as much as she'd sworn she'd hate the whole thing she actually hadn't even with them having to tell at least a little of their story, she didn't hate it. She supposed she could but she didn't. Tonight was exactly what she'd needed without even realising it and so she was thankful for it. 

"Yeah," she replied softly. "I'm good. Are you?"

"Better than I thought I'd be. I thought you'd be pissed..." he admitted sheepishly.

"No." She brushed his cheek with her thumb. "What you did tonight was beautiful. I mean granted everyone finding out was- Not what I expected but it could've happened in a worse way."

There were a thousand ways that could've gone far worse. She was glad that a lot of the truth had been condensed to enough of an explanation to satisfy most people but not exposed enough to have them answering a million questions for the next six months. That was why she'd thought the divide and conquer approach would be a better one when it came to that.

It would be way less of a headache if it was one of them sitting someone down one at a time and getting all questions out then and there from each person because she knew she couldn't cope with it all at once, her life had been so carefully sculpted to both give her a future and protect her from pain that she could neither deal with nor escape from.

It was just easier. Both of them had more than enough to work through both together and on their own after everything they'd had to endure already. She sure as hell wasn't ready to tell their story in its entirety and she doubted he was, tonight it felt as though they may have to but she'd waded through those deep waters beautifully and told only enough to keep the from outright lying to their friends but not enough to throw them in at the deep end.

"I just wanted you to have something beautiful, you deserved to have something beautiful," he spoke so softly. So quietly.

It almost sounded like he was whispering.

"I love you." He kissed her on the top of the head. "I'll love you forever and I wanted you to know that, I wanted you to see that."

It had been a promise that he'd made her decades ago and one that he'd keep, one that he'd always, always keep. It didn't matter that they'd taken it away for so long it didn't make it any less true or real, it didn't take it away because deep down he'd always known.

"I know," she whispered, "and you made tonight perfect, I don't regret it James. What you did for me was wonderful, it was personal, loving..."

"Happy birthday, beautiful."

He kissed the back of her wrist before he wrapped his arms around her again. He knew that they were going to fall asleep like this if one of them didn't move and he didn't care in the slightest, it seemed as though she didn't either because within moments, the steady rise and fall of her chest told him what he already knew: She'd fallen asleep in the one place she knew she was safest.

She woke up to about 12 text messages off of Clint, 3 off of Tony (Largely unintelligible because he was drunk and that made her pity the AI he used to send them) and a voicemail off of Steve apologising if he upset her at all last night and that he didn't mean to. Clint's messages had mostly been rambling about pretty much everything. Somewhere in between all of it was an I'm happy for you, Tasha. Still, a large part of it was ranting.

Clint ranted better than he did almost anything else. 

She was almost dreading having to go in as they rode in together that day, she knew that there'd still be a whole bunch of confusions and questions and that was fine but she'd told them all she was willing to tell them for now and she knew that'd have to be something they were happy with. She turned to look at him as they stepped off of the elevator and he turned to kiss her. 

"Have a good morning, beautiful." 

"You too," she replied with a smile as she made her way to find Tony who'd promised he'd teach her how her weapons worked.

He'd probably have one hell of a hangover today and the thought provoked a smirk on her features that he noted as she walked away and he shook his head with a laugh. He knew she'd give Tony a hard time because she'd told him she would, she fully intended to get her own back for his party and he wasn't going to get off lightly with it either. He was attempting to find Steve which didn't take all that long. Steve was - just as he'd predicted - in the gym. He'd been running drills from the looks of him, once a soldier always a soldier.

"Morning Buck." Steve came to a halt in front of his best friend. "You good?"

"Yeah, much better now," he admitted. "Less stressful."

Steve seemed to understand because he put his hand on Bucky's shoulder and offered a reassuring squeeze, he was glad Steve wasn't mad at him. There were a lot of things he could handle but the thought of his best friend being mad at him when things in his life were just starting to pull together wasn't one of them.

"I'm glad you're happy." Still, there was an undertone to Steve's words that had him frown at study him carefully before he released a sigh and leaned back against the wall.

"Okay whatever it is spit it out already." He did not want his best friend to be mad at him. He didn't want that at all. He truly wanted everything in his life to start to come together properly.

"Nothing I just- I wish you guys would've told me," Steve admitted with a sigh of his own; there was an evident lilt to his voice that told Bucky he was still dealing with the shock of the situation.

"You could've told me." They were supposed to be his two best friends and he'd had enough of people lying to him. "I thought we were past the whole lying thing."

"C'mon, lets find somewhere to go sit down and I'll tell you about it all now, deal?" Bucky offered with a half uncertain smile.

Steve nodded in agreement which was what had the two of them make their way out of the gym and toward the lounge. In truth he spent the whole time they were walking mulling over exactly what he wanted to say and what kind of questions his best friend would have for him.

As they sat down he found himself studying Steve like he was trying to use all those years of training to figure out what his best friend might say but he knew that he was going to have a million questions so guessing which of those was going to come first was probably an impossible task. 

"So, how long have you guys been doing the whole secret-thing?"

Steve's first question was an obvious one and an easy one which was good. Simple questions out of the way first would be a lot easier than doubling it around from the complicated ones.

"Almost six months," Bucky answered simply.

"We started trying to fix things the day I got back to New York. My memories were fractured at best but I knew her. She said I could at least recognise her when- When we were fighting and I uh, it was after that that I started to really think about it and I searched through my mind for weeks until I came to something that made sense but didn't at the same time so I just decided to ask her, not outright because she'd been avoiding me but I found a way to ask her without actually doing it. A way that I knew was personal to us and one I knew she'd be the only one who could understand," he explained. 

"I lost her once I couldn't stand the thought of losing her again. She's- She's my my anchor my- my home. Everything good that I held onto for all those years was because of her. I love her more than anything else in this world and I couldn't stand the thought that I could lose her again. We wanted to figure out where we went and what we were and we just needed that time to ourselves to do that, we needed time to know we were safe and that no one was gonna tear us apart again. When I look at her I see light. I see hope. I love her and I don't know what I'd be without her and I don't want to. Not again." He had so much to lose both then and now.

Steve noted the loving expression on his best friends face because a gentle smile spread across his own.

"Being with her, getting to hold the woman I love in my arms again and know this time that there's no punishment waiting for us is a feeling I can't explain," he sounded wistful; there was so much he failed with back then.

"I get to fall asleep at night with her in my arms, I get to wake up and know that I can see her beautiful face when I do. I get to tell her I love her without the repercussions of that this time and I needed to hold onto that for myself for a little while," he continued with his explanation. "I love her. I've loved her for a long time and honestly I don't think I'll ever stop. I don't want to stop. I've lost so much time with her already and I don't wanna lose another second."

Steve could see just from the look on his best friends face that he meant every word and he hadn't seen him this happy in... Well in ever but especially not since he'd been brought back and seeing him so happy and so at peace now was something he was glad for. It was clear that Bucky loved Natasha and vice versa, granted there was a massive amount of shock that he had to deal with but there were more important things than that.

"So you knew her from before? From when you were...?" Steve's awkward tone matched the smile on his face, he wasn't sure if what he was asking was okay evidently.

"Yeah, I trained her. She was good, the best actually..." he sounded proud, apologetic still but proud. "She's everything I trained her to be and I'm glad that her training kept her alive."

He wished it didn't have to be that way and that he'd been by her side to fight those battles with her but he hadn't been but he sure as hell would be now and forever. 

"She's certainly tough," Steve agreed "Sometimes a little too tough."

"She was always the same," he laughed and shook his head. "She was mad as hell when they threw us together, she thought they were telling her she was incompetent by getting me to train her."

She'd challenged him every step but back then he'd been cold, inhuman and lost in programming and he'd been hard on her and he hates himself for it now.

"I wasn't me back then and she was whatever they turned her into. Like some doll it was... They told me to train their most promising graduate but no one bet on us falling in love. We both reached through the programming and touched something in each other that was human. We didn't think we'd fall in love, no one did."

Not even them but he was glad they did.

"She's my forever, Steve. She's always been my forever." Ever since the moment he'd met her. "I will spend the rest of my life loving her and I couldn't ask for a better life than that. Natalia Romanova is the love of my life and that'll never change."

"Natalia is her real name?" Steve asked, he was trying to get everything in line in his head.

"Yeah, Natalia is her real name," Bucky explained "She was Natalia when I knew her, she's someone different now but I'm just- I guess it's just what I'm used to calling her."

Steve nodded, he was obviously doing pretty well at sorting things out in his head which was good. He needed to figure it all out before it started to give him a headache or just push him back to the point where he thought the two people he trusted most in the world didn't trust him because that wasn't a fun state of mind to be in, he really was happy for both of them but there wasn't all that much he could do about his shock. It had been something that he hadn't expected and his head was still spinning. A few dates, that's pretty much all he thought but nothing like this. 

"I'm gonna ask her to marry me." Bucky spoke quietly as he spoke, his eyes fell to his best friend. "I've got the ring and everything I just- I don't know how to ask her."

"She's not into the big romantic stuff." Bucky explained with a frown, he didn't need to explain it though, Steve knew Natasha well enough to know that. "I want it to be special for her but- Not something huge, y'know?"

"You'll figure something out, you'll do something amazing Buck. Look at her birthday gift, you did amazing with that."

"You mean the thing that blew our entire secret relationship?" Bucky shot back playfully. "Not that I'm sorry about that."

"Yeah, I mean I suspected something with you two honestly but I wasn't sure what it was. I thought maybe you two had been on a couple dates but I guess I didn't think it was anything like this..." Steve admitted offering Bucky an apologetic smile. "I didn't think it was anywhere near this-" his words came to a halt as he tried to think of what to say.

"Intense?" Bucky offered.

"Yeah, intense. Intense seems like a good way of putting it." Steve nodded. "But I mean it man, I'm happy for the two of you and I'm sure when you do ask her to marry you? She's gonna say yes and it's gonna be special for both of you."

"I'll marry her in a heartbeat a million times over if that's what she wants."

"You always were a sucker for a redhead." Steve poked playfully. "I knew she was hiding something painful for her, I've known for a while now, I saw the way she avoided you but I figure she was just trying not to be mad about you shooting her or something."

Bucky laughed and shook his head.

"She's not the type to be pissed about being shot, she's been shot that many times I guess she's used to it but she doesn't deal with emotional stuff very well she never did, we weren't trained to be emotional. We weren't allowed to be emotional," he muttered as his eyes cast down; he couldn't begin to imagine how hard burying all of that and trying to deal with it alone must've been for her.

"I could've killed her both times I shot her but something inside of me stopped me making the shot, I never miss." Never, he never missed unless he wanted to. "But I didn't take it, I couldn't. I knew it was crazy so I made excuses on it when I got taken back it was- I could've killed both of you but something inside of me told me the pain they'd give me would be less than the pain of killing either of you."

Steve looked saddened as he listened to his best friend speak, his hand moved to Bucky's shoulder and he offered his friend just the smallest hint of a smile, it was his way of being comforting he supposed. He didn't know what to say, how could he understand what that must've been like? The pain that he'd been through all those years, the pain that she'd buried and pretended didn't matter to help Steve when she knew she'd be dragging herself over broken glass in her mind for doing it and she'd done it bravely, without complaint or hesitation because Natasha was a good friend.

"I was a monster," Bucky whispered softly "A monster lost in the dark without a shred of hope but I still held onto her somehow, memories I had were- I didn't know if it was just dreams at least the time I could dream when I wasn't frozen but when I could I saw her. It was all distorted but the only thing I knew was that I felt something."

She made him feel something without him even realising it.

"She told me that day that I could at least recognise her and I thought it was just some kinda mind game but it- it kicked something up that made me start to make sense of those dreams. I've had them ever since I was back too," his voice remained quiet "I never deserved anything but she thought I did. She wanted me to know I guess because it was too hard for her to endure it anymore and when it didn't seem to make a difference she started to avoid me."

His beautiful, brave Natalia had taken a chance that day to try to reach through to him and make him realise that he really did have something to fight for that had been inside of him this whole time. She was trying to make him connect with something that'd remind him that he was still human and that he had been all along no matter what they tried to do to him.

"She didn't look afraid of me that day on the bridge. She looked amused." He shook his head and laughed. "She always told me she was never afraid of me. That day wasn't the person you knew but the one I did. She was baiting me."

"Then she got hurt," Steve added, Bucky nodded.

"Yeah, she got hurt but I think she actually knew it was coming. She knew I'd take a shot but she wanted to see if I'd kill her." His brow furrowed, he hated how reckless she was sometimes. "She was always the same, y'know? She'd stand there when someone had a gun pressed to her head and she'd laugh and tell them to take the damn shot. She's never been afraid of anything."

"Except losing you," Steve reminded him. "She's afraid of losing you."

"And I'm afraid of losing her. That's why we didn't tell you, there was still something inside of both of us that was afraid we'd be torn apart again. We knew we should've been able to trust all of you but we couldn't bring ourselves to take the chance. We couldn't bring ourselves to risk anything." His eyes flicked to Steve who frowned quite naturally at his words but he looked apologetic regardless.

"We wouldn't have done anything to tear you apart. We won't, none of us. I get that what you've been through is horrible but I promise none of us are gonna do that," he sounded hurt that they could think that.

Bucky picked up on it immediately and he shook his head.

"No don't, don't do that," he sighed, "It wasn't that we thought you'd actually do it its just that life doesn't seem in our favor. It never was, everything the world could throw at us it did and it has. We just wanted to be together and feel safe before we talked to anyone."

Safe, safe when they were in that place was a word that didn't exist.

"The triggers, the nightmares, the handlers and programming and hell that raged on inside of me made me too afraid to trust anything," he explained, "I didn't want to risk something breaking."

Not again, never again.

"But you know that you can actually trust us now right?" Steve asked, "We won't do anything to either of you or stop you being happy."

None of them, hell after everything that both of them had been through they deserved to be happy. He knew the pain of their story even if he wasn't aware that all he knew was a fraction of it and he could see why they just wanted to be happy and hold to one another now they had the chance to do so, he could understand the underlying fear despite his hurt toward his best friends thinking that anyone would do that to them. No one would, he'd personally never allow it. 

"I know and we will, we'll trust you from now on," he promised, "Nat and I just- we needed to come to terms with that ourselves. If we'd have told you before we had the chance to figure out things for ourselves it could've caused damage to both of us."

Especially to his fragile mind.

"But I trust you Steve, she trusts you."

Even if they'd only told half a story the half of it they'd told was the part that mattered: They'd been through hell and now they'd found their way back to each other through hell and impossible odds and he wouldn't lose her again.