Namor was lounging comfortably, drinking what was, by surface-dweller standards, a nice glass of wine, when he decided to finally ask the question that had been on his mind for the past few weeks.
"Victor?"
Victor von Doom looked up. He had his mask off, which meant he must be in a particularly relaxed mood.
"We have known each other for a long time now. And I think that, as allies, we've become close, and come to develop a mutual respect and understanding." Namor took a sip of wine. "I was wondering if your feelings might be something more than that? Perhaps something more intimate?"
Doom looked shocked, and then furious. He stood slowly, and put the mask back on.
Then he snatched the metal goblet from Namor's hand, threw it on the floor, and stomped on it. "Get out!"
Namor stood up. "I don't know what has made you so irrationally angry..."
"Irrationally angry?" Doom shook his head. "I can't look at you now! Leave my castle." He stormed off.
"Doom, are you insane?" Why would he possibly be this offended at being suspected of falling for Namor? Falling for Namor was a sign of intelligence and good judgment!
Namor sighed and went off to find Kristoff. Possibly he could could make sense of Doom's behavior.
—
"I have a question," said Namor. "Your father...does he share the taboo some surface-dwellers have against men entering into relationship with other men?"
Kristoff looked absolutely baffled. "You're seriously asking me that?"
"Doom has been behaving strangely." Namor shook his head. "I merely asked him if he had some interest in me that was beyond that of an ally, and he flew into a rage."
"You asked him what?"
"If he had some interest. I imagine that, as his son, you would not want to hear the details, but I've detected some hints that he may have deeper feelings for me, possibly even romantic."
"You asked him that to his face?"
"I thought he would be mature about it."
Kristoff sighed and put his hands to his head. "You unbelievable idiot!"
Namor narrowed his eyes. "Watch your words. Out of respect for your father, I will let that slide, but I do not tolerate insult."
"You two have been married for nearly five years!"
—
"Married." Namor repeated the word.
Kristoff nodded.
Namor paused and took another breath. "Doom and I? Married?"
"Yes. Do you have amnesia again?" Kristoff frowned. "If it's amnesia, I think Father would settle for an apology."
Namor shook his head. "Married? You're quite sure?"
Kristoff nodded. "I was at the wedding."
"Wedding?" Namor did some quick mental math. "The...ceremony of alliance?"
"That's what you thought it was?" Kristoff frowned. "But the vows! The eternal union of your two great houses!"
"A diplomatic alliance!"
"You exchanged rings!"
"I thought that was a Latverian tradition!"
"The ceremonial medallion with the symbol of Doom and the Sub-Mariner intertwined!"
"It's an important alliance! Worthy of commemoration!"
"He took you back to his bedroom at the end, and you two..." Kristoff glanced down and coughed discreetly.
"I thought he'd studied the diplomatic traditions of Atlantis!"
"You mean the diplomatic tradition of Atlantis is to..." Kristoff trailed off.
"Of course!" Two leaders, naked and alone together, at their most vulnerable, proving that they could be trusted to not hurt each other! Signaling their respect and intentions by devoting their strength and skill towards giving each other pleasure instead of inflicting pain! What could be a better way to communicate peaceful intent and trustworthiness?
Well, not inflicting pain beyond certain limits. The formation of an alliance with Lemuria had been...rough. Attuma and Namor both knew it was a valuable alliance, but after all of their history, it had ended up being some incredibly angry sex. They'd both come away exhausted and severely bruised.
Kristoff shook his head. "Father is going to be furious over this."
—
"How could you not know?" Kristoff asked. "He didn't want it to just be an affair of state, but something personal, so he held a pliashka!"
"I don't know about surface-dweller marriage traditions," said Namor.
"It's a type of traditional Romani wedding. He invited Boris and Vashti! He had Boris give Vashti that bottle of wine with the necklace of gold coins wrapped around it! Then Vashti put the necklace on you, and Boris gave you a hug!"
Namor nodded. "I recall that." It had been confusing and uncomfortable. Namor disliked hugging people he didn't know well. But it had been important to the alliance, and Victor had put a hand on Namor's and said, "Do this for me."
"Traditionally it's supposed to be the fathers", said Kristoff. "But neither of you has a living father, so he improvised.”
Namor shook his head. “I can’t believe this.” He stood up. “I’m going to go talk to Victor.”
—
Namor stood outside the door of Victor’s laboratory.
“I ordered you to go away!” Victor yelled.
Namor tore the door off. “Kristoff explained to me about the wedding.”
Victor, mask on, turned to Namor. “You do not have amnesia again, do you?”
Namor shook his head, and folded his arms defensively. “I don’t get amnesia that often! I…did not interpret the ceremony uniting our houses the way you intended it. It is not a real marriage unless you take vows to Neptune.”
Doom made a dismissive gesture. “Rank superstition. You're saying you didn't realize we were married?”
Namor leaned forward. “What the hell were you thinking! Marrying me?”
“The marriage can be annulled by the authority of Doom. And, while Doom rarely makes mistakes, marrying you may have been one."
"Of course it was a mistake!" Namor flung his hands into the air. "Are you trying to get yourself killed?
Doom paused. “What?”
"You know what happened to the last two people who married me! Dorma was unbelievably brave and loyal, and she died saving me! Marrina was impossibly sweet and kind-hearted, and I had to kill her to stop her from destroying a city! Tell me, Victor, what do you think is going to happen to you?"
Doom looked at Namor. "You don't want to be married because you fear that being married to you will result in my death?"
"Exactly!" Finally Victor was being sensible.
"You think Doom is not strong enough to defend himself against any enemies of yours?"
Namor shook his head. "Doom is not even strong enough to defend himself against a child armed with squirrels." That was a cheap shot, Namor knew, for few could face the might of Squirrel Girl. But Namor was angry.
"Do not speak of my greatest nemesis," Doom growled. "Doom is powerful enough to defeat any danger! Your fears are groundless. The marriage will not be annulled."
"What, you're going to just make us keep being married?"
"Doom does not give in to fear."
Namor sighed. "At least it's not a real marriage." It wasn't before a priest of Neptune, so they weren't truly married.
Hopefully that meant nothing would happen to Victor.
—
Namor waited by the sea cliffs exhibit at the New York Aquarium. Why had Susan called him? Why did she want to meet here? Normally, she would have invited him back to Four Freedoms Tower in front of the team.
But she hadn't. She'd asked him to come to see her here. It was a public location, but one where they could talk without being observed.
Namor checked his reflection in the aquarium glass, and brushed back a stray hair. He didn't think Susan was likely to leave Reed after all this time. But he wanted to be at his most handsome, just in case.
The clothes he was wearing to go unnoticed on the surface were not flattering. However, he still looked better than any lung-man.
Susan appeared, as beautiful as ever. "Good to see you. How are you?" She had an intense expression.
"I am well. And you?"
"Good. Let's talk." She took his hand and lead him over to one of the benches. She leaned in, with the same intense look. "I heard the news about your marriage."
"Marriage?" Namor frowned. "Doom?"
"Is it true?" Susan asked.
"It is...complicated." Namor shook his head. "I...cannot explain right now. How did you hear this?"
"It was on the news this morning. Apparently Doom made an announcement on international news."
"He what?" Namor stood up. Was Victor trying to paint a target on himself?
"Did you not hear?"
"I have not been following surface-dweller news." It often took a little time for surface-dweller news to filter down to Atlantis. However it would be down there by the end of the day.
Namor had to go home and explain the situation before the Council of Elders all had simultaneous heart attacks over Namor having a secret marriage to a surface-dweller.
Before that, he had to find Victor, and save him from whatever was going to come after him.
And then possibly kill him for being so insufferable.
Sue put a hand on Namor's arm. "When I...when everyone thought I was marrying Doom, and I couldn't explain, you came to me as a friend. You came to make sure I was okay, and to let me know that if I needed help, you would be there. That meant a lot to me. I don't know what's going on, but I want you to know that if you're in some kind of danger, if you're being forced into something, or you're in a dangerous situation, I'm also here for you as a friend."
"Danger?" Namor scoffed. "The Avenger Son of Atlantis does not fear Doom."
"I mean he's kidnapped you in the past. And he has used mind control on you before."
"Once," said Namor. "And he used it on everyone in the world." That incident had been odd. Doom had gained total power over Namor, and had him...follow Doom everywhere, often standing where Doom could look at him.
And smile. Doom had spent a great deal of time watching Namor smile.
"Still. I want you to know that if what you need is a friend, I'm here for you. I've been in some strange situations, and however complicated it is, if you need a helping hand, just ask."
"Thank you." Namor nodded. "I can assure you, this is nothing like that. But I will remember what you said."
"Good. And...if Doom is becoming a good enough person that he can be a good husband to you, and being together makes you happy, then I'm happy for you both. Reed, too." She looked at her watch. "I have to go. The kids are waiting. Good luck with everything. And remember what I said!” She turned and walked away.
—
Namor came rushing into the throne room. "Victor!"
"You were correct on one point," said Doom. "Your enemies have begun coming for me quickly."
The body of Dr. Dorcas lay on the floor.
Doom gestured for Doombot. "Take this trash away and have it disintegrated."
Namor looked at the body, and then at Doom. He seemed unharmed.
"That fool sought to kidnap Doom. He wanted to take Doom hostage so he could capture you and further study your genetic material." Doom shook his head. "Doom, a mere hostage?"
Namor struggled for words. His mind skipped past Are you okay?, I'm so relieved you could defend yourself and This is what I wanted to protect you from, before landing on "I told you so!"
"And I told you, Doom is more than capable of protecting himself. Do not insult me with your worry."
"Fine," said Namor. "Good luck with the next one. Call me when you get tired of people trying to kill you because fo me."
—
"So you see, we are not married before Neptune, or by the laws of Atlantis," said Namor. "It is merely a surface-world custom."
"That is a relief."
"I suppose that, given your surface-world blood, it is necessary to have...an outlet."
"At least there will be no offspring of this dalliance."
"And there is no need to make this one prince consort, I trust? I know you have exotic taste when it comes to royal spouses."
Namor caught the backhanded insult to Marrina. "He is not, at present, prince consort. However, he is a monarch in his own right, trusted ally and important to me, and I expect every courtesy."
"You are bringing him to visit?"
"Of course," Namor replied. "Latveria is our only true ally on the surface world, and invaluable to the security of Atlantis. It is only right to bring him here and show him honor."
From the look on their faces, this did not please the council members. But they had nothing to dispute. Namor was completely in the right.
He'd damn well bring Victor down here, and he'd make them show respect.
No one insulted Namor's...
Namor wasn't sure what word to apply to Doom, but he was, in some sense, Namor's.
And no one insulted anyone who was Namor's.
—
"Namor." Rogers had his arms folded, the way he did when he thought he knew what was best for Namor. "We need to talk."
Bucky Barnes and Jim Hammond stood behind him.
"Is this about Doom?" Namor asked.
"Of course it's about Doom!" said Barnes. "You married Victor von Doom! What else would this be about? Have you lost your mind again?"
Namor glared.
Jim put up a hand. "Namor, seriously, are you okay?"
"I am fine," said Namor.
"Because..." Jim broke off and rubbed the back off the neck. "Sometimes, you're...not okay. And I want to make sure that if it's something like that, you know we're here to help you."
There was touching quality to Jim's concern. Namor nodded. "I assure you, I am well." He looked at his friends and drew a breath.
He disliked explaining himself, but it seemed that this situation called for it. And they had earned his trust and respect enough times that they deserved an explanation.
"This is a diplomatic misunderstanding," said Namor. "I intended to ceremonially cement an alliance, and apparently, under Latverian law, we are considered married."
Barnes laughed.
"Ceremony of alliance?" Rogers frowned. "You mean...oh, Atlantean diplomacy?"
Namor nodded.
Barnes looked at Rogers. "Atlantean diplomacy?"
"It caused a bit of a stir when Namor agreed to ally with the United States during the war. In Atlantis, diplomacy traditionally involves...well, sexual relations. That's part of the reason Claire Booth Luce was appointed Ambassador to Atlantis. She heard about that tradition, and she...volunteered." Rogers coughed. "Enthusiastically."
Namor nodded. She'd been a passionate woman, and somewhat disappointed to discover that aspect of diplomatic relations only needed to happen once.
Barnes looked at Namor. "You imperius sexed Victor von Doom?"
Namor rolled his eyes. "When will you tired of that pun?"
Jim was frowning. "Doom tricked you into marriage?"
Namor shrugged. "It's not a real marriage. It's only a surface-world ceremony. If he wishes to consider himself married to me, that is his problem."
"Are you sure?" Jim asked. "I don't like this. If you want any help dealing with this..."
Namor waved his hand dismissively. "Let Doom have his meaningless proclamation. It does not matter."
"Okay," said Rogers. "If anything happens where you could use someone to watch your back, let me know."
"And if you're single and looking for a man," Barnes said, "I could probably introduce you to some guys who are better looking than Doom, and also less murdery."
Jim frowned again, but put a hand on Namor's shoulder. "You need me to deal with Doom, Water Rat, just say the word."
Namor smiled. "Understood, Firebug. But there is nothing to worry about."
—
"Ah, the lying Atlantean." Proxima Midnight pointed her spear at Namor. "I'd hoped to find you."
Namor did not move.
"I thought about killing you," she said. "But it seems too easy. I would rather see you suffer. That is why I am going to destroy Atlantis and hunt down every last Atlantean, until you are left alone with the bodies of everyone you failed to save. But first," she said, "I am going to kill your husband."
She turned and pointed her spear at Doom.
"Don't!" Namor called out, before he could think.
Proxima Midnight smiled.
Namor cursed himself for a fool. Now that she knew he cared, nothing would stop her.
Doom took a step back.
Proxima Midnight stepped forward. "Do you think to avoid your fate?"
Doom held up his hand.
A glow of light flashed, and Proxima Midnight dissolved to ash.
Doom brushed his hand together and shook some dust off his cloak. He glanced up. "That may have burned out the mechanism. I will need to repair it."
Namor gaped.
Doom looked at Namor. "Now do you believe that Doom can protect himself?"
"You disintegrated her."
"Yes."
"Proxima Midnight. You disintegrated her."
"Yes."
"Right here on the spot, you just disintegrated her."
Doom nodded. "Yes."
Namor drew a breath, and looked at Doom. "We need to go to go have sex. Now."
"Of course." Doom removed the mask from his armor, revealing a smug grin. "We are married."
"No we're not," said Namor. He grabbed Doom's hand and pulled him towards the bedroom.
They weren't married. Not really.
But by Neptune's beard, that man knew how to be sexy.
—
"Hi," said a chirpy brown-haired girl. "You're Prince Namor of Atlantis, right?"
The girl had a large, squirrel-like tail, and a small squirrel perched on her shoulder.
Namor looked at her. "Squirrel Girl." Was she going to fight him? There were few surface-dwellers he would hesitate to fight, but Squirrel Girl? She'd apparently taken down Thanos with her bare hands. Namor had barely survived his last attempt to fight Thanos with his bare hands.
Possibly Namor could get to the water? She didn't seem like she could breathe water.
She nodded. "This is my friend, Koi Boi. He's got aquatic powers! He breathes water, and he talks to fish!"
Damn, Namor thought.
Koi Boi, a young man with black lenses over his eyes, put out his hand. "A pleasure to meet you, Prince Namor! Just think of me as your personal iciligorgia schrammi."
Namor laughed. Squirrel Girl frowned in confusion.
"It's the largest species of sea fan," said Koi Boi. "And I'm a...huge...fan."
Namor smiled. "I did not think I had many admirers among the surface-dwellers."
"Not as many as you should have," said Koi Boi. "But I'm friends with a lot of fish."
"I heard about your marriage to Doom," said Squirrel Girl.
"I do not seek a fight," said Namor.
"Good. Neither do I." Squirrel Girl folded her arms. "Doom and I have fought before, and if he makes it necessary I'll do it again. But I don't go out of my way to hurt him. And I don't go after loved ones." She shook her head. "That's just not right."
Namor nodded. "It is not the honorable way to fight."
"So I wanted you to know that I'm not going to make trouble for you over who you married. Unless you invade the surface world again or something, you and I don't have a fight. And if Doom...well, I'm a big believer in people changing for the better, and if Doom starts moving in that direction, I'll be happy to see that."
"You don't expect me to redeem him with love or some such nonsense?"
Squirrel Girl shook her head. "No, I know that doesn't happen. You can't redeem other people with love. But sometimes people, inspired by love, redeem themselves. And if that's what he chooses to do, I'll be happy for you both."
The squirrel whispered in Squirrel Girl's ear.
Squirrel Girl nodded. "Also, this isn't mind control or something is it?"
"No! That was one time!" Granted, he had been taken prisoner by Doom on one or two other occasions. And Doom had refused to annul the marriage.
But Doom was...satisfying to be around. He could, in certain specific ways, be trusted completely. And he understood Namor, in a way that few others did.
He had changed, as well. In how he interacted with Namor, he was different. They'd developed an understanding. Doom seemed to have developed, at least relatively speaking, more patience and more respect.
Also, he was astonishingly good at sex. Namor appreciated that in a surface-dweller.
—
"Some green woman came by today. She claimed to be your wife."
Namor frowned. "Marrina? She died years ago!"
"This was a different woman," said Doom. "Her name was Llyra."
Namor's blood ran cold.
"She claimed that she was your true spouse, and the queen of Atlantis and Lemuria, and I was a mere pretender."
Namor froze in dread. Had she controlled Doom's mind? Was this even the true Doom? Was this Llyra attempting to deceive him with her shapeshifting abilities again?
Doom gestured to a Doombot.
The Doombot held up Llyra's severed head.
Namor stared.
"I considered pitching her head into a cesspool to decay," said Doom. "But I thought it would bring you some comfort to see proof for yourself."
Namor stepped forward. So many times, he'd thought Llyra dead, left her for dead, had her turn up again.
But this time, he could see.
"In truth, it was convenient of her to come. I had planned on finding her and...ensuring her death, but she saved me considerable effort."
Namor bent down. "It is really her? She is dead?"
"You may have it analysed by anyone you like, on the surface or in Atlantis, to confirm her identity. The head is my gift to you, and a reminder that you need never fear what she might do to you or your loved ones again. Because of Doom."
Namor stared at the head, then straightened up and turned to Victor. "I love you. Get that mask off so I can kiss you properly."
Doom removed the mask and smiled. "Exactly as Doom planned."
—
"Pause here," said Namor, as the royal chariot reached the surface.
The Atlantean guards nodded, and stopped the war sharks.
Namor gestured and the bubble opened. "Victor, this has been a magnificent visit."
Victor inclined his head slightly. "You enjoyed unsettling the royal council."
Namor smiled. "Yes. But that was not all that I enjoyed. For the surface-dwellers who are closest and most special to me, I enjoy having them as a guest of Atlantis, and showing them the most beautiful and beloved aspects of my home."
"I have been to Atlantis before," said Victor. "But this was special."
"I am glad." Namor slipped his hand into a secret compartment of the chariot.
"Wait," said Victor. "I have brought you a gift." He reached into his cloak and withdrew a green gemstone on a thin gold chain.
Namor took it. "Victor, it's beautiful!"
"It's enchanted." Victor inclined his head slightly. "I did the spell myself. If anyone uses mental abilities to confuse or distract you, this will guide you back to me."
Namor held the crystal in his hands. "Victor..."
Victor put a hand over Namor's. "I want you to know that you are precious to me. Your enemies are my enemies, and I will fight them alongside you."
Namor blinked rapidly. "Thank you. A moment." He reached into the compartment. Then he turned and held out a ring. "Victor von Doom, will you do me the honor of being my husband?"
"Don't be ridiculous," Victor said.
"Ridiculous?" Namor bellowed. "I wish to marry you! Is this not what you wanted?"
"It's our fifth anniversary! I got you an anniversary gift! And now you speak as if our marriage means nothing?"
"I mean for us to be truly married! I am offering you a sacred vow before Neptune himself!"
Victor stood up. "Our vow was taken by the authority of Doom! That is higher than any god!"
"Your arrogance is unbelievable!"
"My arrogance?" Victor snorted. "I cannot believe I married you!"
"That is because you did not! I offered you the chance to marry me, and you threw it away! I would not marry you now if you were the last man on Earth!"
"You are married to me, you fool!"
"A marriage requires a greater authority than your ego!"
"Nothing requires a greater authority than the word of Doom!"
"I cannot stand to be around you for another minute! Guards, take him back to his kingdom" Namor jumped off the royal carriage and swam away.
—
"I hope you have had time to calm yourself," said Doom.
Namor stood in the throne room, angry and damp. "Me? You were the one being irrational!"
Doom gave a dismissive wave. "I have thought long and hard, and I wish to offer a compromise. You will recognize that we have been married by the authority of Doom for more five years, and I will agree to your little religious ceremony."
Namor rolled his eyes. "You are impossibly condescending. If you agree to a true marriage, in the temple of Neptune, followed by a full Atlantean ceremony, I will accept that your event had additional ceremonial importance. Perhaps we can call it a hand-fasting or some such thing."
"Hand-fasting? We were married! I gave you the full honors of Latveria, and the traditional ceremony of my people! If you wish to have an additional religious event, then I am willing to be a good husband and humor you."
"Humor me? You dare?”
—
In the morning, Kristoff was sitting down to breakfast, when he saw Namor striding out, completely naked, with an enormous grin on his face.
Kristoff looked away. "You do recall that I live here too?"
Namor laughed. "Your father and I have come to an understanding." He clapped Kristoff on the back. "Clear your calendar, because one month from now you will be in Atlantis! Your father and I are getting married!"
"Renewing our vows!" yelled Victor.
"We settled this!" Namor grabbed a banana from the table, and turned back to the bedroom.
Kristoff buried his face in his hands.
On the upside, his father was going to be in a much better mood.
On the downside, Kristoff was going to need to flee to the other side of the castle to escape the sounds of their 'Atlantean diplomacy'.
if the honeymoon happened in Latveria, Kristoff may need to flee the country.