Hope
Your eyes drifted open and you found yourself staring at the ceiling of your room. You could feel the tears streaming down your cheeks but you refused to move. The events of the last memory still repeating in your head.
“Liar.”
Your tears began to fall heavier causing loose hairs to become stuck to your face at odd angles disrupting your vision. You didn’t move, letting the tears soak your face and pillow as you lay staring at the ceiling. You felt a strong breeze gust through the room, pulling the sheets from your feet. You grunted in frustration, sitting up in a huff and throwing the sheets back over you with way more force than necessary. You began to lay back down when another gust of wind wafted through the room sending the sheets from your feet again. Your irritation got the better of you. You threw the sheets off you and marched over to the open balcony. You grabbed a door in each hand motioning to slam them closed. But you froze, your hands falling from the doors. Your eyes caught the sight of the rainbow bridge, but something was wrong. You followed down the bridge but the familiar golden building at the end was gone, it was like the bridge was cut short. What happened? You realized you hadn’t gotten the full story of what happened after you passed out, all you knew was that Loki was gone. You quickly turned, throwing on a cloak and some sandals, and exited your room heading for the castle entrance.
You had no idea how many people you passed as you marched through the castle and courtyards, your mind just focusing on the path ahead of you. You reached the entrance of the bridge and the wind picked up around you the familiar sound of rushing water filling your ears. You pulled the cloak tighter around you and pushed forward. You kept your gaze focused on the horizon as you moved across the bridge, however, the end of the bridge never seemed to appear. Your gaze dropped to your feet, which remained planted at the entrance of the bridge. You willed them forward, unto the bridge but they refused to comply. Move. Your feet stayed planted. I said move. You felt your hands begin to shake, you clutched the cloak tighter. Move! You were practically screaming at your feet now but they remained still. You dropped to your knees, a frustrated yell escaping your lips. The cloak escaped your grip as your fists made contact with the bridge over and over again. You felt pain beginning to radiate through the sides of your palms but you kept beating the bridge, all the pain and frustration you felt fueling each blow. Drops of blood began to splatter along the bridge but still, you continued your beating as if the bridge was somehow responsible for everything happening, and beating it would somehow fix everything. Drops of water began to fall beside the blood and you realized, once again you were crying. You began to curse yourself for being weak, for being too emotional, for being inferior to everyone else. Your blows got more frantic with each negative thought going through your mind. Stupid. Useless. Weak. Monster. Your thoughts were cut short as your right hand refused to hit the bridge. You willed it to strike the bridge with more force than before, but it remained in its place just above your head. You tore your eyes away from the mess of blood and tears that lay on the bridge to your arm. Your eyes caught the gaze of another. It took you a moment to recognize him, no golden armor no helmet, but once you did shame instantly washed over you. Heimdall’s eyes were locked on yours as his hand held your wrist in place. Blood was dripping down your arm but your hand had already healed over.
“This will not change anything.”
You dropped your gaze, your arm falling with it. You stared at the bloody bridge unable to speak. I know. You sat there for minutes in silence, trying to think up some sort of apology, but nothing sounded right in your head. You heard a soft sigh.
“He never wanted to hurt you.”
His words pulled you from your thoughts and you timidly turned your gaze back to Heimdall. He looked towards the horizon, to where the Bifrost once stood.
“During your fight, there were numerous occasions he could have disposed of you, however, he did not act on any of them.”
You kept your eyes on him, trying to distinguish if he was lying. He never lied to you before, but maybe this was his way of sparing your feelings.
“He stabbed me, remember?”
You meant for the words to have more anger in them, yet, they just sounded sad.
“In the end, you discovered him, he had no choice.”
“He could have killed me.”
“Yet you live, as does every other Asgardian.”
You were really confused now, Heimdall never defended Loki before. As if reading your mind Heimdall spoke again.
“I shall never defend Loki, nor his actions. I am merely suggesting, that if he wanted to destroy Asgard or kill the both of us he had the opportunity, and yet did not act on it.”
Heimdall’s words filled you with a tiny sense of relief, a tiny shred of hope that your Loki was still in there somewhere. But once again that good feeling was consumed by the realization that you would never see him again. A tiny sob escaped your lips and you half expected to feel tears again, but nothing came.
“There had to have been something I could have done.”
Another sob, but still no tears.
“Something someone could have done.”
Your breathing grew quicker.
“He was my friend, I should have done something.”
You were basically gasping for air through your sobs, yet your cheeks remained dry. It was like your body had run out of water. You felt a soft pressure on your forehead and cheeks and shifted your gaze up. Heimdall was holding you gently in place, his hands cupping your cheeks and his forehead pressed gently against yours.
“Breathe.”
You closed your eyes, trying to control your breathing.
“Breathe.”
You focused on Heimdall’s words, trying to match your breathing with his. Slowly, your breathing returned to its normal pace and Heimdall pulled away.
“I’m sorry.”
“There is no need to apologize. You have had more than your fair share of hardships. One cannot expect you to be composed at all times.”
“Still…”
You hated how much all this was affecting you, how weak it made you look, how weak you really were. Heimdall moved to sit across from you, just past the entrance to the bridge.
“Moreover, this is nothing compared to Lady Frigga.”
There was a slight playfulness in his voice, you raised your eyes to meet his gaze, a questioning look on your face.
“She had devastated a few gardens before I could calm her.”
“No way…”
The image of the ever calm Frigga appeared in your mind, you could not picture her losing her cool like that.
“Granted she would deny everything if anyone asked.”
That got a small laugh from you, you noticed a small smile appear on his face. However, the uplifting mood didn’t last. No matter how hard you tried you could not hold back the question that was escaping your mind.
“What happened?”
Heimdall’s smile dropped as he gave you a questioning look.
“After…when I passed out?”
Heimdall took a deep breath before turning his gaze to the non-existent Bifrost. Your gaze followed his.
“He caught you before you fell, and laid you on the stairs. He turned to me and I prepared for a fight, but he simply turned away, realizing I was no threat in my current state. He activated the Bifrost and froze the energy causing it to build in an attempt to destroy the Jotunheim.”
Heimdall gave a soft sigh before continuing.
“That is when Thor arrived, attempting to talk Loki out of his plot. They engaged in a fight and I took the opportunity to get you to safety. I had carried you nearly halfway down the bridge when I heard the crack. I turned back to see the Bifrost collapsing with Thor and Loki still upon it. Our king arrived in time to save Thor. Alas, Loki fell.”
You took in a deep breath in an attempt to keep your emotions in check.
“Thor did all he could to save his brother, however, I believe Loki did not wish to be saved.”
A small sob escaped your lips but you regained your composure.
“I’m sorry, about the Bifrost.”
“The Bifrost was merely a part of my job. I am still a guardian of Asgard.”
You turned to Heimdall who was as stoic as ever, you wished you could one day be like him. To remain calm under any circumstance, to not let your emotions control you. Yet, you knew that was a far-off dream.
“I just wish he wasn’t alone at the end.”
“It may not have been the end.”
Your eyes instantly locked with his and you sensed his regret instantly. A harsh sigh left his lips and he turned away.
“Heimdall?”
He merely gazed off towards the horizon.
“Heimdall! What aren’t you telling me?!”
You were on your feet now nearly screaming at him. He slowly turned to look at you. A serious look on his face. You caught your tongue and sat back down, trying to regain your composure. Heimdall waited a few minutes before continuing to speak.
“When the Bifrost fell into Yggdrasil Loki fell with it. However, unlike the pieces of the Bifrost, Loki disappeared from my sight during the fall.”
You held your breath waiting for him to continue but he fell silent.
“What are you saying?”
“I am merely stating the fact that I do not sense him in this world, however, I did not sense him enter Valhalla nor Helheim.”
Another moment of silence. You tried to process what he was saying but it was too much at once. Heimdall took another breath.
“I do not wish to unnecessarily raise your hopes, but it is feasible Loki survived the fall.”
Your heart skipped a beat. Heimdall was not one to joke or lie. If he was telling you this he truly believed it possible. You took a few breaths, calming your heart and collecting your thoughts.
“Then where is he?”
Your voice remained relatively calm but there was a hit of panic just beneath the surface.
“If he is alive he is shielded from my view in another realm.”
The small bit of hope that was rising in you instantly collapsed with his words.
“So he could be alone and hurt in another realm and we can’t save him.”
You felt your hands begin to shake as anger and hopelessness took over you once more.
“I would not speak this to you if it was only going to hurt you.”
Your head raised slightly to finally meet his gaze.
“Do you remember what I told you in the Bifrost before Loki came?”
You didn’t want to, but your thoughts drifted back to that night. You tried to avoid thinking of Loki, to push through to your talk with Heimdall, but your mind was stuck on the final look Loki gave you. You felt a tear stream down your cheek as you shook your head trying to get rid of the sight. Heimdall seemed to notice your struggle, quickly speaking up.
“Loki had ways to travel between realms without using the Bifrost.”
You wiped away the single tear processing what Heimdall was telling you.
“You’re saying there is a way for us to leave Asgard and look for him.”
You glanced up at Heimdall catching a glimpse of sadness on his face. He immediately turned away.
“If that is what you wish, I can show you the area I believe the portal to be. However, you would have to go alone, I cannot leave Asgard unprotected. Moreover, if you were to go through the portal, there is no certainty you would be able to return to Asgard.”
You finally caught up to what he was saying, if you searched for Loki, it would be alone, you would have to leave everyone here behind, including Heimdall. There was another moment of silence. You tried to think of something to say to him, something that summed up all the feelings you felt, but nothing came to your mind. You knew you couldn't stay.
“It will not be the same without you here.”
There was a hint of sadness in his voice but a loving smile on his face. Before you knew it your arms were wrapped around him.
“Thank you.”
He slowly embraced you back, softly patting your back. You stayed like that for a few minutes before Heimdall pulled away. He swiftly stood up before holding his hand out to you and helping you up as well.
“Take the night to prepare and say your goodbyes, then meet me at the castle entrance tomorrow at dawn.”
With that he turned away heading into the city. You felt a pang of guilt as you watched him depart. Heimdall was like a father to you, he was one of the few that helped you get accustomed to your new life on Asgard when you first came here. He was always looking out for your wellbeing and happiness. But then you realized, he was doing this for your happiness. You let one more tear roll down your cheek as you watched him disappear into the city. I will make this up to you one day. I swear it.