Goldrush

“I’m just glad you guys got him, I knew y’all would”. Lucy’s texan accent rings around the room as she smiles at her screen, practically bouncing on her spinning office chair. It’s been too long since she had a catch-up with Tennant and is thrilled her team have solved a huge case.

“What else is new Lucy? How’s it going with Kate?”. Tennant asks. The two have already breached the ‘I’m dating my roommate conversation’, as Lucy felt it only right to be transparent with her boss about everything on this mission. She is almost certain however that Ernie would have told her eventually anyway.

“It’s fine.” Lucy pauses, the hesitation causing her boss to narrow her eyes. “Kate’s actually on a combat run right now”. Lucy follows up the awkwardness of her immediate response. “You sure it’s fine Lucy? Usually you ramble on for at least ten minutes about Kate and your latest adventures together. I mean how was swim call the other week?”. Even through a screen Jane Tennant’s questioning was brutal. Lucy realises she’s dug herself into a hole with her short response.

She decides lying to Tennant to cover up her pain will only make matters worse. She exhales and lowers her shoulders before answering. “Swim call was amazing, and I can deal with the flight deck now thanks to Kate, but-”. Lucy looks down from her computer. “Well we got into a pretty heavy conversation about life after this mission, for both of us”. Jane nods closing her eyes in silent understanding.

“We haven’t talked about it since. I mean we have weeks not months left together now so it’s easier to forget than dwell on it”. Lucy isn’t even sure she believes what she’s saying to be true. She has wanted to bring the topic up again since but Kate’s flying has been getting more intense these past couple weeks and she can tell that’s adding enough weight to the blonde’s shoulders.

“Lucy, I think you and Kate need to have this conversation. It’s not always easy but sometimes until we talk about it, the scenarios we create in our heads can escalate worries into something they don’t have to be”. How is it possible that this woman can give the best advice on almost anything Lucy wonders to herself. “Thanks Tennant. Kate did mention wanting an instructing post so she can settle somewhere more permanent”. Lucy explains Kate wanting to follow in her father’s footsteps. “That’s honourable. I know a few flight instructors here on base, it’s a solid career choice”. Lucy doesn’t think much of Tennant’s answer at first but then she replays it in her mind.

She scrunches her brow and leans slightly forward. “You mean in Pearl?”. She asks with intent. “Yes, the navy has a decent sized flight training programme on island, why do you- oh”. Lucy face softens as Tennant catches her drift. “So Kate could be based at Pearl?”. Lucy asks with wide eyes. “Yes, it’s difficult to ever be based where you choose but it’s a possibility Lucy for sure”. Lucy could feel her heart beating a little easier once again.

She glances over to a polaroid picture that sits propped up against the computer screen. One of Kate’s friends from her squadron captured it of them during swim call. Kate’s damp hair presses against Lucy’s face as the blonde wraps her arms around Lucy from behind. Lucy’s face beaming with joy as Kate plants a soft kiss on her cheek. It’s an image that brings comfort seeping back into the agent’s veins. A feeling she’s not ready to lose.

She looks up at the screen once more after the slight distraction the image causes. “Tennant I wanted to also ask-”. Lucy is cut off by her work phone on the desk suddenly buzzing. “Sorry let me just quickly get this”. She answers and places the phone on speaker, as she usually does in her office, not worrying that Jane will also hear her conversation.

“Agent Tara, there’s been an accident”. That phrase never gets easier for Lucy to hear. It’s both terrifying and intriguing. “It’s Goldrush…”. Lucy suddenly recognises the voice on the phone to be one of Kate’s squadron leaders from swim call. “Lucy please hurry”. He pleads as he hangs up on the agent. Lucy freezes. What does he mean it’s Goldrush, Kate is flying. Flying. Immediately Lucy’s mind sinks to the darkest places. Tennant can observe the agent’s shell-shock. “Lucy, don’t assume the worst, go to the med bay ok?”. Lucy’s eyes are laser focused but on nothing in particular. It’s as if she’s glitching. “Lucy, go to the med bay, now”. Tennant speaks a little louder now, almost forcefully.

It’s the tone of her voice however that snaps Lucy back to reality. Despite the room spinning and feeling as though she’s about to throw up, she nods to her boss before ending the call. She tries to stand up. Her vision is blurred, but her legs are determined to get her to Kate. She stumbles across to the door and grabs the handle for support. She inhales deeply before turning the handle and practically running down the corridor, the adrenaline in her veins keeping her from collapsing. Leaving her office in such a hurry she forgets to lock the door.

———

“Agent Tara, you can’t be here”. A man in uniform says forcefully to a desperate looking Lucy. “I have to see her”. Lucy reaches out to grab the door handle. The man steps in front of her, using both his size and authority to his advantage. “She’s being assessed Agent Tara, until the doctor clears her for visitors I can’t let you in”. He seems somewhat sympathetic this time. Lucy, whose vision is still hazy reluctantly takes a step back. She feels her stomach twist in knots. The not knowing is almost worse than anything. She feels beyond the point of fainting, as if she’s simply standing by will power and nothing else.

The man ushers her to a seat in the corridor just outside the med bay. Lucy can’t hear or see a thing going on inside the room which is sealed off by a heavy, solid door with a ‘strict access only’ sign imprinted in red at eye level. She glances at her watch, wondering how long Kate has been in there. When did this accident occur? Who thought to call her? And most importantly what happened to the woman she loves?

———-

Lucy can’t sit still. Even though her legs are almost foreign to her body at this point, she paces. The wait is killing her. Trying not to assume the worst, trying to hold back tears. She’s the agent afloat after all. What will people think if they see her in this state? Anxiously scratching at her own hands so ruthlessly, she draws blood without even being aware of it.

After what seems like an eternity later, the door to the room opens. XO Ramirez steps out, a distressed look on his face. “Ramirez!”. Lucy gathers his attention. He turns to face her now, the disheveled looking agent sounds worn out. She hasn’t stood still since she got the call. Her heart also hasn’t stopped racing. A million questions flooding her brain with no one there to answer them. “Special Agent Tara, how did you-?”. “Someone called”. Lucy replies quickly, not wanting to waste time on small talk. “Is she ok? What happened? Can I see her”. She pleads for answers

“Not yet, she’s recovering”. Ramirez wipes his brow with his hand. “She’s lucky to be alive, Agent Tara”. The words whirl around Lucy’s head. Recovering…recovering from what. She looks Ramirez up and down her eyes searching for more information. “We’re unsure how the accident unfolded as of yet but Whistler ejected from her aircraft at very high speed. Her squadron partner saw the events unfold and we got her retrieved from the water successfully”. Lucy lets out a heavy breath. Feeling guilt ridden that this occurred while she was cosied up in her office.

“The aircraft accident investigation team will soon have answers for us, I'm sure”. Lucy didn’t really care for their answers right now, she just wants to get to Kate. “When can I-?”. “It’s up to the doctor Agent Tara. Whistler has extensive injuries but is in the best hands”. Lucy knows that should reassure her. To think that Kate’s being cared for, but it doesn’t. Lucy needs Kate in her hands, to feel her warmth and let her know she’ll be by her side forever.

“She’s being treated for broken bones, herniated discs in her neck, torn ACL and MCL, as well as head trauma”. Lucy couldn’t bear to think of the pain Kate is in. She feels the tears filling up in her eyes. She breathes deep, stretching her own tired lungs to capacity. Reminding herself of Ramirez’s words, “she’s lucky to be alive”. Her eyes roaming around, unable to bring herself to settle. Ramirez could see the distress clear as day on the agent’s face.

“Take a seat Agent Tara”. He instructs, leading the pale agent over to the chair in the corridor and helping her into it. “Please rest assured the doctors are doing all they can”. Lucy just nods. She knows she has to stay focused, to stay strong. Not just for herself, but for Kate. Once that door opens and Lucy confronts the blonde, the last image she needs to see is Lucy looking worse for wear.

———

A little while later a doctor in a white coat steps out. A clipboard in his hand and his eyes focused on that alone. “Excuse me! Doctor!”. Lucy leaps out of the chair and questions the figure before her. “Hi, I’m Special Agent Tara” she says with all the strength she can muster. “Can I go in?”. The doctor looks her up and down as if she’s crazy. Her bloodshot eyes and mascara stains might make her seem so.

“Are you involved in the investigation?”. The doctor asks with a stern expression. “Uh-huh, yes I am sir”. Lucy lies through her teeth. Anything to get her to Kate. “Ok fine, but ten minutes maximum. My patient needs to rest”. “Amazing, thank you”.

Lucy practically knocks the door off its hinges as she forces it open. She steps into the room. She wasn’t sure what sight she’d be met with, but seeing Kate lying wired up to a hospital bed hits her like a kick in the stomach. The agent freezes, her lungs finding it hard to get air. The muscles in her legs tremble with fear, as the vision of the blonde inches closer with every step.

Kate lies almost unconscious. Her face is pale, her hair a jagged mess. Kate’s eyes flicker open as Lucy whispers her name. “Lucy”. The blonde mumbles back in response. “I’m right here, Kate”. The agent reaches for Kate’s right hand cupping it between her own. Leaning down to be at the blonde’s level in the hospital bed. “I’m not going anywhere”.

“Lucy, I’m sorry”. Tears streaming down the agent’s face accelerate at Kate’s pain ridden apology. “Hey, you have nothing to be sorry about”. She squeezes Kate’s hand, trying to ease the blonde’s pain with her touch just as she’s done for Lucy on numerous occasions.

“I’m so glad you’re ok”. Lucy sobs as she says the words. The indescribable feeling of possibly losing Kate is too much for her to imagine right now. “Lucy I-”. The blondes injured ribs causing her visible strain when she speaks. Lucy hates to see Kate’s face scrunch in agony. The wrinkles by her eyes are evidence of the discomfort she’s in.

“I’m sorry, we can’t do this”. Kate speaks clearer now, as if she forces every last molecule of air out of her lungs to muster up the sentence. Lucy wipes the wetness glossing over her vision away.

“Kate, what are you saying?”. Lucy looks into the blonde’s eyes who turn to meet her for the first time since entering the dimly lit room. The hurt is apparent on Kate’s face. Whatever happened has taken the source of light out of her eyes. Lucy has never seen her this way. They’ve cried together many times but Kate has changed. As if a switch inside the blonde’s mind has been flipped. Flipped back to a time before Lucy, when isolation and survival were the blonde’s core values.

“I can’t let you lose me like I lost him”. Lucy barely manages to keep it together. Her face feels flushed, the tears won’t stop and now her legs feel numb beneath her. “Kate, I’m not going to lose you”. She weeps as the words trail from her mouth. Her head shaking in denial of the words she is hearing. She’s never felt such pain in her lungs, she can’t begin to settle her breathing as the flood of tears continue to fall.

“I can’t put you through the pain Lucy, I won’t do that to you”. The blonde’s eyes are hollow, pain brimmed to capacity as Kate’s own tears start to fall. Lucy can hardly bring herself to look Kate in the eyes. Not only the physical pain of her accident manifesting through them but now the mental toll of worrying about the agent’s own heartbreak. Kate would do anything for Lucy. Anything to protect Lucy, and if that means letting her go to save her the same pain, in this moment of desperation the blonde believes it’s the right thing to do.

Lucy takes short sharp breaths, it’s all she can manage for the time being. Wiping tears from her cheeks once again she knows she has to convince Kate that she’s worth the pain.

“I love you, Kate”. Lucy’s breathing stops. All she can hear now is the thud of her own heart through her veins and into her temples. Kate’s lips quiver as she fights the waterfall of tears now making their way down her already soaked face. Lucy can see a change in the blonde’s expression. It’s reminiscent of the night she held Kate under the moonlight, her starry eyes sparkling up the darkness. Once again Lucy can see a faint glow in the depths of Kate’s eyes.

“I love you too, Lucy”. The blonde’s voice breaks as she says it. A sadness to her tone that Lucy doesn’t recognise. As if uttering the words alone causes Kate more pain than her physical injuries.“I love you too much to do this to you”. Her words sound defeated. Bleeding a pain so deep in the blonde’s soul that Lucy can’t help but feel guilty for. Kate’s eyes wander down across her frail frame, covered by a hospital gown. Kate can’t bring herself to look at Lucy again. Seeing the pain flowing down her cheeks once was enough to break the blonde’s heart.

Lucy notices the blonde’s reluctance. How can she heal Kate’s broken soul? She wasn’t quite sure, but she knew damn well she wasn’t going to stop trying now. She lifts Kate’s right hand squeezing both her own around it. Kate’s touch was cold. The very life drained out of her own skin. Skin that usually radiates an electricity so fierce, reduced to a feeble flame.

“Kate, look at me please”. Lucy pleads with a soft tone, tears seeping into her mouth as she speaks. Unable to stop the flow of pain and desperation leaving her eyes. The blonde turns her head towards Lucy once more. This time Lucy can visibly see her bruised neck. Patches of redness scattered across her usually fair, soft skin.

Kate’s lips tremble with agony as she looks into Lucy’s eyes. She wonders how the agent could be so loving, to think she was worth the risk. Her hazel eyes glistened over with tears, Kate bites down hard on her jaw to stop herself from crying once more. Lucy meets her with a tear-soaked smile. Slightly forced, but nevertheless wanting to comfort the blonde with its intentions.

“Kate”. Lucy squeezes slightly harder. Uttering possibly the most important words she has ever spoken. “You and I, we aren’t in any way conventional. Our jobs, our lives, it’s dangerous. We knew this the day we signed up for it. But I also know we both swore an oath to die for this country…”. Her voice breaks as she forces herself to swallow hard and finish her sentence. “But the truth is, I would die for you just as fast”.

Kate doesn’t break eye contact. Her lips shaking with emotion. The corners of her mouth fold downwards. She knows the risks of her job, and accepts that. She would die for her country, and that’s why she does it alone. That’s why she walks through life alone. Her walls of self-defence so high that nobody can even see in, let alone break through.

But Lucy did. In just a matter of weeks Lucy had burned those walls down. Opening Kate up to love again, a love she doesn’t believe she deserves. Allowing her to be herself, and feel as though the world around her was not her enemy.

Kate suddenly feels sorry for pushing her away so suddenly. The truth is she doesn’t want to lose Lucy. Still she can’t bring herself to admit that to the agent. Lucy sits still, radiating a comfort the blonde wants to hold onto forever. Her mind is heavy, she’s not sure whether the pain meds are beginning to wear off.

Before she can clear her thoughts enough to tell Lucy the truth the heavy door to the room screeches open. “Agent Tara, you can’t be here!”. The doctor states. Lucy feared her lie wouldn’t last long. “I’m sorry, I had to see her”. The man in the white robe showing her no remorse. “Get out”. He points his finger towards the door.

———

Lucy looks up at the mirror and is met with a sight she doesn’t want to face. Her eye’s are reddened and puffy, the mascara stains embedded into her pores. She looks defeated. She feels defeated too. The agent can’t take her mind off Kate. Haunted by the conversation in the medical room.

Was this all a mistake? Thinking someone like Kate could love again, thinking that finding a love this far from home could ever work out. Lucy fears the blonde’s eyes have once again gone cold. The agent meant every word she said. She would die for Kate. Something keeps her holding onto the memories of the past three months. She knows Kate can’t be gone. Her mind is still flashing through the images of a pale, weak Kate.

She rinses the tears off her face and gets ready for bed. Lying in the darkness, the room is eerily quiet. She’s never spent a night alone on the ship. The bed feels empty. She misses the feeling of Kate pressed against her. Her warmth has become one of the agent’s greatest comforts, but not tonight. She wraps her own arms around her body for comfort now instead. Her mind hasn’t settled. The agent can hear her own heartbeat rumble through her head as it rests on the pillow.

She realises sleep isn’t going to come easy. She decides to send Tennant a text. It’s only right to update her considering she witnessed Lucy’s blind panic. She describes Kate’s accident, leaving out some of the more painful details. She hates how sad the message comes across in the end, but she ultimately presses send anyway. She reaches out and places the phone back on her nightstand.

She rolls over and blinks hard. This is going to be a long night.