You know you're not alone
Well that wasn't their plan, not any of them. Sitting in the back of a quinjet Natasha found herself wondering how the hell Bobbi Morse and Clint Barton had even known that that son of a bitch even existed, it wasn't like either of them as far as she was aware had crossed paths with him before which begged the question of what they were doing and why they were doing it. Even with their knack for turning up in unexpected places this one was weird.
Naturally she was curious about it and she was trying to work out if there was anything she ought to be concerned about, hidden agendas were something she had come across with plenty of people in the past... She just never thought she'd think Clint would have any ulterior motive that he'd hide from her.
Clint was her best friend, Clint Barton usually did not lie to her.
She'd tried to ask Bobbi more times than she cared to remember but she'd gotten shut down every single time and told that she'd explain when they got back to her place which had irritated her to no end.
Her place turned out to be in the middle of nowhere so it was as safe as she promised it would be which was a relief to her and as they climbed out of the jet and made their way toward the door, Bobbi stopped rather abruptly and turned to look at them.
"I have house rules: No killing anyone, your weapons are locked away. You don't get to keep guns on you at all because honestly there's no need all the way out here. We don't start fights, you wanna kick the shit out of anyone you do it in the gym during sparring and you don't ever hurt anyone bad no matter how mad you are. We can eat dinner together, breakfast and lunch too if anyone is hungry but that's optional, it's kinda nice though, I mean we may as well at least feel somewhat comfortable with each other if we're stuck all the way out here for however long." She shrugged then. She figured it was simple enough and not too much of a big ask considering.
"Movie nights are optional too but again, it could be kinda fun and good for all of us. We're going for pretty calm and normal out here, it's safe, there's no reason for anyone to pick a fight with anyone and you always respect people. If they want space, you give them it. We won't bother you if you decide you wanna stay out of the way until you're ready to talk. Agreed?"
She wasn't really giving them any choice but to agree, what she was asking wasn't too much anyway it seemed relatively simple. Natasha could understand why Bobbi wanted to keep the peace, it wasn't like it was easy to deal with conflict all the way out here and it wasn't like anyone could just storm off and come back when they'd calmed down because hazardous conditions and below freezing temperatures made that pretty damn impossible but just from a single look she could see Yelena wasn't pleased with the idea of not having her guns on her but Natasha reminded her that none of these people were going to hurt her.
Bobbi wasn't going hurt her and neither was Clint.
Bobbi looked much calmer as they responded, clearly happy with when both of them nodded their heads in agreement to her rules and she opened the door and looked at the inhabitants of her home as she stepped aside to let them inside. Naturally most peoples eyes were on the door having been anxious the whole time about the complications Bobbi had mentioned running into out there. Everyone relaxed almost immediately.
"Everyone, complications. Complications, everyone else." Bobbi grinned playfully as she spoke.
She could see the immediate relief on Steve's features as he noticed Natasha and the redhead was pulled into a hug as Steve Rogers moved, she let out a small laugh.
"Yeah, missed you too Rogers." She couldn't help but roll her eyes, she'd known he'd be worried though. She wasn't usually a hugger but they'd all been through hell both before and after all of this so it didn't surprise her all too much that Steve's relief at her safety would result in him hugging her. If it were anyone else she might have been more resistant to the idea. That made both Barton and Rogers that had hugged her tonight...
"I'm glad you're all good." She spoke, she truly was, she noted every person here or at least the ones that made their presence obvious.
She studied them in turn, her eyes flicking from Steve to Sharon and then to Sam as she assessed them for any obvious signs of injury or any obvious signs that what they'd set out to do had gone sideways in a major way but everyone looked healthy.
Sam and Sharon both earned smiles from Natasha once she was satisfied that they were okay and greetings and told that she was glad they'd made it here safe while she tried her best to peer around Steve's considerably larger frame and both of them seemed altogether glad she was okay too. She was happy that they'd all made it somewhere safe and alive when she knew just how dangerous their endeavor would be and how much Steve wanted to find Bucky.
She turned her eyes back to Steve and she was about to ask him if he'd accomplished his mission when she watched Bucky Barnes stand up from the couch and in that moment she found herself unsure whether or not she was relieved about that or more worried about the thought of having two assassins out here while their minds were still unraveling and they were still trying to figure out truth from lies... She knew that if things went bad, she and Steve stood a damn good chance at controlling the situation to a degree and the others could offer decent enough assistance if everyone was quick enough...
It was the strangest situation she'd found herself in a long time. Steve released her from his embrace which she was thankful for. She needed to clear her mind for a second and figure out how the hell she was supposed to feel about any of this. She hadn't been around this many people in over a month and while they were her friends, she was still walking on a fine line between who she was and who she used to be.
She turned to Yelena and placed her hand on her arm, she tried her best not to pay all that much attention to Bucky despite the fact that all she wanted to do was ask if he was okay but she worried that would betray something she was sure he wouldn't even remember to begin with and so she introduced each person in turn to the blonde assassin she'd brought along with her who studied them all almost as though she was trying to figure out how long it'd take her to take each one down.
Yelena though studied Bucky dubiously, she knew if anyone here would present a challenge bar Natasha, it would be Bucky Barnes. The Winter Soldier. She'd been back there with him too... She'd worked alongside him too... It just set her more on edge and wish she could keep her guns more.
Natasha wasn't going to allow her to harm anyone here though and she knew it, she'd been told that these people weren't going to hurt her but trust didn't come easily to someone like her... Trust was something that would have to be earned on both sides. She had to try though.
Once all of the introductions were done and over with, Natasha took in a deep steadying breath and whole hell of a lot happened in the one split second it took her to introduce her blonde counterpart to everyone else and- Well and everything else that was about to happen.
She watched the way that Bucky's eyes moved to her, his mouth fell open for just a moment; Natasha supposed he was remembering the last time that they'd crossed paths and she flicked her eyes to the floor as she contemplated telling him that she didn't take the whole shooting her-thing personally so that he wouldn't feel bad about it. She shook her head and just as she was about to turn to Yelena to ask her if she was holding up as well as she appeared to be, she froze on the spot as she heard Barnes speak.
"Natalia..." He spoke her name and his voice was filled with pain.
The world around her seemed to freeze, she couldn't breathe and it felt like all of the oxygen had been sucked out of the room and it was making her dizzy; impossible situations were something that she found herself in quite regularly but this was something else entirely. She'd spent too long hoping someday he'd remember her just like Steve did but she'd done it for decades longer, she'd loved him for decades and she'd faced the fact that she'd lost him regardless of the fact that she didn't want to. He moved forward and pulled her into his arms without hesitation or explanation or care at all that everyone else was around him.
"Thank God you're safe." He spoke but she was still frozen to the spot caught up in a moment she didn't know how to handle, this was certainly an odd turn of events and a far cry from the fact that he'd been technically shooting at her with the apparent intention of killing her the last time they'd crossed paths, notably though he didn't kill her though she knew he was more than capable of it.
He didn't miss unless he chose to miss and that was something that had stuck with her but she shrugged off the thought and put it down to the fact that she'd just gotten lucky and she hadn't given him as clear a shot as she thought she did. He didn't remember her. She wasn't naive enough to put too much faith in hope.
He did remember something though. It would seem that he did indeed remember something about her and about them because the way that he spoke to her, the name that he'd used was one that so few people knew her as let alone dared address her with and the look of clear concern and relief in his eyes told her that indeed, he did remember at least something even if she had no idea what that was yet, even if he had no idea what that was just yet she knew it was something and she'd hold onto that. She could feel the emotion well up in her as she wrapped her arms around him and a single tear fall down her cheek.
Bobbi smiled. What she'd suspected was right. Cue her need to act like a bodyguard for a couple of assassins. Her life was getting weirder by the day.
"James..." That was about all Natasha could manage to say by way of reply through a choked voice that sounded almost too weak; she wanted to say much, much more than that.
She held to him like her life might very well depend on it, she was too afraid to admit that she feared if she let go she'd lose him all over again and she wasn't ready for that to happen. She wasn't ready for him to be gone again. She hoped, she hoped in a way that she hadn't in so many years.
Bobbi almost immediately noted the expression on her features and on Bucky's and it made her feel all the more protective. When the heck did she become the mom of the group? That was a vote she must've missed.
"You two should go talk, don't worry about all of this. It's okay, you're both okay." Bobbi looked at Bucky and offered him a smile. "I promised you I'd do whatever I can to help you and that promise meant with whatever you need, including all of this."
He nodded thankfully. Bobbi had promised him that he didn't have to feel alone or face the world on his own anymore and she was keeping to that promise, Bobbi Morse was proving to be a good friend and he needed one of those now more than ever, he knew he had Steve but Steve Rogers didn't know the story he'd told Bobbi.
"C'mon." Natasha tugged his hand as she pulled back and he nodded.
Both of them needed to get the heck away from all of this and figure everything out without everyone standing there staring at them with the questions she could practically see appear in their minds, questions she wasn't ready to answer tonight and neither was he. Tonight, they needed the calm to just be together and talk all of this through.
"I'm so sorry, I missed you so much." He spoke with a relief that no one had heard in his voice in... Well ever. He also wanted to get the hell away from everyone and their clear staring. It was making him uncomfortable.
Bobbi turned to look at everyone else as Barnes and Natasha walked toward Bucky's chosen bedroom. Steve opened his mouth to say something but she shook her head telling him not to. Every single person in the room looked like they had a million questions bar her and Yelena who were really quite content with it being absolutely nothing to do with them.
"Nope. You leave 'em alone. They need to deal with their stuff. You can ask questions tomorrow if they're ready to answer any of them but they don't owe any of us anything. Leave it. You have questions and that's fine, I get that but they've got a lot to deal with on their own. Both of 'em have been through enough."
Yelena - who looked altogether proud - clapped her hands together drawing everyone's attention.
"It's about time." She sounded way too happy as she spoke. "They needed to find a way back to each other."
She shrugged like it was something everyone should've known already. Bobbi just laughed and shook her head. Everyone looked curious and downright confused but she wasn't about to let them interrupt whatever it was that they needed to do because she could read the pain and the relief in Bucky's tone and expression alike and he'd been through enough. Natasha had been through enough, if they could find even an ounce of happiness in all of this then it was worth it.
He'd already lost his beautiful love once from the story that he'd told her and he didn't deserve to go through that again, she wouldn't let that happen again through stress and worry about what everyone else would think or how they'd react.
"Why don't you have questions?" Clint looked at her with a raised brow.
Bobbi turned to him with a frown and looked like she was about ready to slap him upside the back of the head but thankfully she didn't. She didn't have questions because like she'd said to Bucky she didn't know him before and he owed her nothing. Whatever his story was, he didn't owe it to her to remember it or talk about anything that he didn't want to and just from the brief description he'd given about the girl he'd lost, she had suspicions but it wasn't her place to say anything.
"Because it isn't any of my business. Barnes owes me nothing, Romanoff owes me nothing. Their story is their own, it isn't up to me to judge that or force them to explain themselves." It wasn't up to any of them which was why she spoke to pointedly.
"If it were any of you, you'd want the privacy and time to figure out your stuff. You'd hope the people that you care about would give you that time 'cause they're supposed to respect you. Both of them have enough pain. He has enough pain. You've watched him break over the last couple of weeks... Let him heal. If this is what makes him heal then leave them the hell alone and let them find whatever it is they lost." Bobbi implored them.
"We should all go and get some rest. It's been a hell of a long day and Barton and I both have wounds we need to patch up. We'll all figure out whatever the hell it is we need to figure out tomorrow whether or not that includes what's going on with those two is up to them but today's mission got us a hell of a lot we need to go through and I can't do that on my own. I'm gonna need someone to assist me with the whole 'brains of the operation' role because going through all of this is gonna be a headache on my own." She was good but she wasn't that good.
She was trying to distract people who looked altogether troubled though. She knew that they'd have questions for Bucky and for Natasha and she really, truly she couldn't fault that but she knew too that in all of this chaos, all of this mess and all of this pain it was nice that something good could've come from it. Bucky Barnes and Natasha Romanoff had both endured the kinds of pain that most here couldn't begin to imagine, any good in all of that should be protected.
Anything good in that should be allowed to be just that: Good. It shouldn't be corrupted by anger or confusion or a barrage of questions. They should be allowed to be happy and figure things out for as long as they needed to without feeling pressured to explain. Bobbi's blue eyes moved to Steve and she offered him a gentle smile.
"I know he's your best friend, I know she is too and right now you're thinking both of them have lied about something but honestly, all of this should've shown you that memory isn't the easiest thing in the world. He's fighting. He's fighting a war in his mind to come back to you and be the man you knew from before, he's fighting hard to find himself. He's fighting to be better again, to find the little good in all of this that he can and hold onto that. If she's his good then they both deserve the chance to protect that and figure it out in their own time." She wished she could explain it better she truly did.
"I know you wish you had answers right now but you have to trust that letting this be for now is the best thing. You're a good man, Steve. This is what he needs to be happy." That was something she had to believe. It was something that she had to believe because some happiness in all of this pain would be welcome.
"You're right." Steve conceded offering her a smile. "Thank you, Bobbi."
She nodded then, this wasn't how she'd seen this night turning out but a part of her should've seen it coming. She turned to Yelena who'd quite literally decided to ignore everything and everyone by poking through Bobbi's collection of books and she shook her head at her but laughed anyway.
"C'mon crazy, I'll show you to a bedroom. Shower, change. You wanna eat go right ahead. Everyone needs to sleep."
"You're going to trust me alone?" Yelena questioned with a raised brow. "Why?"
"Because if you wanna be an asshole I'll lock you outside." Bobbi grinned and walked anyway.
"And you call me crazy. You're bossy." Yelena rolled her eyes as she spoke but she followed her regardless. Life was weird now.
Life was weird for all of them.
She remained quiet, almost startlingly so but she couldn't form a single coherent thought as she sat down on the end of the bed and looked up at him as he stood there and just studied her. It was almost like he was trying to find something but what she didn't know was that he was agonising over the fact that the one person he'd known better than anything once upon a time seemed like a stranger to him now. He hated how far they'd gone from one another.
He hadn't seen her in over 50 years, at least not when he was himself. He glanced at her and he shook his head then. He breathed out a deep sigh and he crouched down in front of her, his hand reached out to brush her cheek.
"I'm so sorry." The sadness in his voice was almost crippling.
"What're you sorry for?" She tried to keep her tone measured.
She failed.
"I- I did all kinds of terrible things even to you. I could've killed you. I could've killed Steve and I didn't want to. I had no choice."
She had to concede, he was right he could've killed both of them, he had more than enough chances and he had enough openings to take his shot ten times over but he hadn't. He hadn't taken it no matter what and she offered him a smile then, kind but filled with sadness and she shook her head. She reached out to twine her fingers with his.
"No, you could've and you know that. I know that. You're the best in the world for a reason but you didn't kill either of us. You chose not to whether you realised it at the time or not. You had a clean open shot on me twice. You chose hits you knew wouldn't kill me. You chose not to hurt me, James." She was strong as she spoke, far stronger than she actually really felt.
She was trying to show him strength, reassurance and while she hoped it worked at the very least she knew he'd know she wasn't as strong as she appeared to be right now. She knew he'd see straight through the facade but she hoped he'd appreciate the strength she was trying to find for his sake. She was something that she never thought would happen, she thought when she'd walked away from that life there'd be nothing in it that would come back over 15 years later. She'd though there was no way in hell they'd ever get the chance to save James.
She'd wanted to, she'd tried to look. She'd tried to find something - anything, really - on him over the years but by the time she'd found even a trace they'd already moved him and there was nothing she could do. She was chasing ghosts and she knew sooner or later that she'd have to give up or she'd have to accept defeat and she was never good at that. He studied her with tired eyes and she felt worse than she ever had in that moment.
She wanted to tell him so badly that she hadn't given up. He brought her hand to his lips and he kissed the back of her hand.
"I don't remember everything, Natalia. I remember little pieces, enough to have had dreams about you for the last few weeks. Enough to have seen your face, enough to know that I loved you so much and that you reminded me that I was human no matter how much they might've tried to take that away. I might not have always remembered everything and I still don't but I knew there was always something." He looked troubled.
Stressed. His features contorted as he frowned.
"I hated myself for what happened and what they'd made me to do you when I saw you. I didn't know. I didn't know that I even know you until I saw you again when you walked in. I feel like I should've figured it out already but the moment you walked in that door I knew, it was like everything fell into place and my mind started to make some sense again because I knew that you were real. You were the girl I saw in my dreams, my beautiful light was real. I didn't recognise you when we last met, at least not completely but I knew there was something. I thought it was just their programming. I thought it was just past missions bleeding through and mixing reality with what I was made to believe."
He held to her hand, he'd taken to tracing idle patterns against her warm skin. He found himself then sat there remembering how much he'd missed the tenderness of a kind touch especially hers. He'd been through so much cruelty over the last 70 years and she'd been the one good thing in all of it.
"You were the only thing in all of it that I ever had that meant anything to me. You were the thing that made me human again, you reminded me what it was like to feel love, to feel happiness and until they took that away you gave me hope." His voice was strained, so filled with emotion that he'd almost forgotten existed.
"I was just a lost soldier who forgot what it was like to have a home until I had you." He held a watery smile on his lips as he spoke.
His voice was filled with such a pain and an anguish that felt like it would crush her and she wished like hell she could take that away and right it now. He deserved better. She found herself wishing that she'd found a way to fight harder all those years ago when she'd gotten out. She should've gone back to him. She should've gone back for him and for Yelena years ago. They'd made sure they'd taken everything away from him, from her and from Yelena until each of them was devoid of humanity at one point.
That didn't have to be the case anymore.
"I'll always be your home and you'll always be mine. I don't blame you for what they made you do, James. I don't hate you for any of it and I never could." She replied softly fighting with emotion that was winning the battle easily.
They both knew no one would understand this, this was a story that delved far deeper than the cover she'd been living under for over a decade now because that cover for her was easier than facing the pain of what she'd lost. Clint Barton had saved her life that day but he hadn't been aware that she'd also lost so much in the process. She'd lost the love of her life and any chance she had there and then of saving him without anything short of a miracle or a hell of a fight.
It had turned out to be both. Come tomorrow they both knew they'd face a battle beyond any that he'd been prepared for, facing a firing squad seemed far easier than going out there tomorrow and and facing the people that they both cared about. She'd kept up a pretense for well over a decade whereas everyone knew exactly what he was, she'd continued to lie and told these people that she trusted them regardless but she knew that she couldn't risk the pain this would bring up for her.
Losing him once had been more than she could take, dragging herself through that pain again simply to tell a story that really had no relevance to anyone else just seemed too cruel. She noted that he was studying her almost like he was trying to memorise her face all over again and she couldn't hide the sadness that lingered in her eyes at this point she knew it was impossible.
"I don't know what happens next." She confessed quietly. "With them, with any of this... We're in the middle of the kind of war none of us could've ever seen coming. I don't know what we do, I don't know what our next step is or we'll even come out of it whole."
She hated the thought. She truly, truly hated the thought of this costing any of them more than they'd already paid. Everyone here meant something to her, they were her friends. They were people that she'd come to care for.
"I've lied to everyone for years and I don't expect them to understand that but all of this is far from over. We can't just hide out here until it all blows over." She sighed then.
He reached out and pulled her into a hug, kissing her on the top of the head.
"We'll come out of this whole I promise you. We're the best of the best and you know it. Us against them? They don't stand a chance." He had a playful smile that had her roll her eyes.
"This is serious!"
"And I'm being serious. You're right none of us could've seen this coming but we have a good team out there and yeah, we're gonna have to figure out how to answer their questions but ultimately and as impossible as I'd thought it'd be? I trust them. We're not alone. We've got people out there that'll help us." He never thought he'd be saying that.
He never thought he'd find anyone he trusted again.
"We're gonna be okay. It'll be a hard battle but it'll be one we can and will win because we're not in it alone. Every single one of us started out on a separate track and its led us all to the same place for a reason. We've got each other. We aren't alone anymore." He sounded more confident than he felt by far but wasn't that what Bobbi had told him?
He didn't have to face the world alone anymore, they had to put their trust in these people.
"These people love you, Natalia. They won't let you face anything alone and even I know that."
She conceded to his words with a silent smile. She leaned her head against his chest and the familiar sound of his beating heart washed a wave of calmness over her that she'd forgotten could ever exist.
"And I do too, you know. I love you." He whispered as he held her in his arms.
She'd waited far too long to hear him say that. A quiet yawn slipped her lips and she glanced up at him for a moment.
"I love you too." She spoke words she thought she'd never say again and it felt as natural to her as breathing.
"Lets get some rest, okay?" He had no idea if he'd sleep without nightmares. "We've got a long day tomorrow."
And if tonight was anything to go by it wasn't going to be simple by any means.