shelter order

DD: hello

S2: oh this is unusual. You okay, DD?

S3: hey red. Unlike you to start a convo. Are you okay?

S4: is it because of the star wars? I’ll stop sending them to you if they keep you up at night

DD: it is not the star wars

S3: bitsy are you suggesting that Red is scared of The Last Jedi clips?

S4: yes

S2: bruh

S3: Bitsy only you are scared of the last jedi

S4: I’m not scared of anyone

S2: He’s scared of Kylo

S3: 100%

S4: I’m not scared of anyone!!

DD: children I require support

S3: oh shit, are you dying? Where’s BT?

DD: I don’t know

S2: you…don’t…know? Y’all live together.

DD: Is not making sound, must be dead

SM: not dead

S3: eyyy

S2: Spidey!

DD: dead

SM: not dead. Was sending me a billion ‘oh my god’ texts last night about that K-drama he and his sis are watching. Probably just got overcome with emotion and passed out.

DD: dead

SM: not dead.

DD: this house is quiet.

S2: oh I get it

S2: DD are you feeling a little under-stimulated?

DD: yes

S3: that was easy

S3: go bother your husband

DD: cannot. He speaks to his family.

S2: okay, so go talk to your family

DD: I will eat rocks instead

SM: Husband’s family is your family, Red.

DD: hm

S2: trouble in paradise?

S2: wars with your mother in law?

S2: tragic, irreconcilable differences with your sister in law?

S3: fear of father figures?

DD: negative

S2: that’s no fun

SM: fear of suffocation in affection and otherwise positive emotion?

DD: that one

SM: yeah that tracks

SM: here I’ll text BT until he wakes up

DD: thanks

BT: 99 bottles of beer on the wall

BT: 99 bottles of beer

BT: take one down

BT: pass it around

S4: I can’t drink

BT: 👁 w 👁

S4: sorry go on

BT: 98 bottles of beer on the wall

S2: aw

S3: friends ❤

S4: this man wants to kill me. how do none of you recognize this?

BT: 98 bottles of beer on the wall

BT: 98 bottles of beer

SM: he’s just singing bitsy

BT: STOP interrupting. Please

SM: my b

BT: thank

BT: Take one down

BT: Pass it around

BT: 97 bottles of beer on the wall

SM: 97 bottles of beer on the wall

S2: oh god they’re mind melding

S3: 97 bottles of beer!

S4: they got S3

BT: Take one down

SM: Pass it around

S3: 96 bottles of beer on the wall.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): y’all bored or smth?

BT: Sensei has locked my door

SM: wait what

BT: I’m supposed to break out

S2: is this a training exercise

SM: oh I remember this

S4: you what

BT: I don’t want to break my own door down

S2: okay so don’t?

BT: I didn’t

S2: …BT where are you?

BT: roof

S3: …singing?

BT: blocked the upstairs window.

BT: that’ll show the bastard.

SM: AFKSDFASDFA

S2: wait you locked Red in?

BT: functionally.

BT: Husband has instituted a no-broken-glass rule. Sucker.

S4: do you two actually, seriously like each other? All you do is fight.

BT: 👁w👁

BT: Do you like Spidey? All you do is fight.

S4: why do you hate me

S2: isn’t this a thing with all Superpeople mentors? Idk if I’ve met any mentor-mentee team that didn’t hate each other.

SM: we are simple and predictable creatures, us vigilantes

SM: we see a baby. We take it under our wing and despise it.

S4: That makes BT a baby.

BT: am not baby.

SM: no it’s fine ‘cause red hates children.

BT: does he?

SM: …yes?

S2: 👀👀👀

BT: I’ve never seen him hate children.

S4: hi. Present.

S2: whatre you talking about, bitsy? Red loves you.

BT: …

S2: not as much as BT obvs

BT: UwU

S4: WHY

DD: Wade

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): yes dear

DD: I am bored

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): harass the apprentice

DD: I have done that.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): are you sure? Saw him talking on here earlier

DD: fixed

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): cool

DD: Have gardened. Have ground spices. Have silenced the apprentice. Have walked the dogs. Have worked out.

DD: What. To. Do.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): work?

DD: finished.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): holy shit

DD: I know. Have asked Life Partner No. 2 to share casework and files. She says I must wait.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): Sometimes I forget that you’re like, a hypercompetent human being, Red

DD: Restless

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): idk uhhhhhhhh

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): okay. Tell me a secret

DD: you. Tell you a secret.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): yes

DD: no

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): Boo on you

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): fine. Tell me who you’d like to fight. Anyone in the world. Anyone anyone anyone. Just get one good punch to the face. Who would it be?

DD: I hate this question

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): tough, huh?

DD: give me 3

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): you get 1

DD: I want 3

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I don’t fucking care you get 1

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): you got em?

DD: oh I get it. Yes.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): is it Stark?

DD: no

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): is it….Castle?

DD: no

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): Is it fox news?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): am I getting warmer?

DD: no and no

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): Is it…your old gym grandpa?

DD: god no. absolutely not. I love him wade

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): why don’t you love me

DD: do you want me to answer that?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): no. Is it an animal plant or mineral?

DD: it’s a concept

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): goddamnit red

DD: you told me I could pick ONE person

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): oh

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): God

DD: yes

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): you’d punch god

DD: yes

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): P sure that’s blasphemy pal

DD: I’ve been through hell already

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): fair

DD: your turn

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): oh shit okay. I got him. Shoot

DD: JB

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): got it in fucking ONE LADIES AND GENTS

JB: why

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): oooooooooooooooooooooh you bastard

DD: hey

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): soon as I figure out how to squash your armored cockroach body I’m on it like white on fuckin rice. you hear me, pretty boy?

JB: *hair toss*

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): show off

DD: hey

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I can get hair.

DD: hello? Sarge.

JB: yeah babe?

DD: if you could deck one person in the whole world, who would it be?

JB: with flesh or metal arm?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I mean. Those options are damage or obliterate. So idk. Metal?

JB: Armin Zola.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): you’re boring as hell Barnes

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): you wouldn’t have your precious Stephen if it wasn’t for that shithead.

JB: First: Steve. Only his mama called him Stephen and only I get to call him Steven. And second: you’re not wrong, but that don’t make you right.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I think it does

DD: no I get that. I’d break every bone in my teacher’s body and then die about it instantly if I could. I got no problem with that.

JB: I like you, Red.

DD: do you?

JB: I do. Got a nice ass.

DD: thank you.

JB: you busy this weekend?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): Barnes, hands off.

JB: what, you his keeper or smth?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): He is my baby brother

DD: what the actual fuck disgusting take it away delete it forever

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): Baby baby brother. Must protect from the big bad wolf

JB: hm

DD: ignore him. I would be, but I’m afraid I can’t catch a flight in these times, Sergeant.

JB: too bad.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): WOLF BOY. Where did all that hair come from?

DD: wade stop being insensitive. I am attempting to arrange a future date.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): you just want to smell Cap.

DD: and?

JB: smells like pain.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): ?

DD: beg your pardon?

JB: ya sniff and then he remembers he’s a damsel and breaks your neck gettin you outta his bubble

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): do you…feel sniffing impulses, Barnes??

JB: sometimes. Got impulse control problems.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): wow same

DD: that’s? A? Lie?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): wow same

DD: you don’t though?

JB: he doesn’t?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): fuck off redthew I have schizophrenia

DD: I know but you don’t have impulse problems. You choose to be like you are

JB: this is new and important information. Please continue Red

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): yeah baby brother. Please continue.

DD: horrible. Stop

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): defenseless. So little. So precious. Them soft cheeks.

DD: say that to my face

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): widdle hands. Widdle knuckles. Gonna need bandaids. Don’t worry, I’ll kiss em better for you.

DD: I’ll break your fucking jaw if you so much as look at me you heathen

JB: hm

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): what

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): are you bored yet?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): fuck off

JB: Red

DD: yes?

JB: about that apprentice of yours.

DD: what about him?

JB: what’s his deal?

DD: his deal is that he is small, ungrateful, and occasionally helpful.

JB: Why do they call him Blindspot?

DD: wouldn’t you like to know

JB: I would. I will make a deal with you

DD: oh a deal with the devil I see. Is that wise, Sergeant?

JB: could be. I like a mouthy kid. They got potential. Look at Spidey. Look at Steve. You can really do something with that kind of confidence.

DD: yes.

DD: like crush it.

JB: or perhaps trade it. What’s your going price?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): we don’t trade in bodies Barnes

DD: we trade in trust

JB: I got loads of trust. I’m drowning in trust. What’s your price?

DD: no price.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): you came to the party too late, pal.

JB: unfortunate.

DD: Cap doesn’t want an apprentice.

JB: That’s fine. That’s him. He ain’t the only guy in this brownstone.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): planning on dyin?

JB: maybe. Maybe not.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): retiring?

JB: that ain’t on my cards friend. What’s your price, DD? Name any price. For real. Any.

DD: Self determination.

DD: you can offer the kid, but he gets to decide.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): take it or leave it

JB: alright. Get your kid.

DD: BT, come here.

BT: I’m not done brooding

DD: Sergeant Barnes has a deal for you.

BT: ?

JB: you have potential. And I’ve got time. I trained the Black Widow. I can train you to be something bigger than whatever it is DD has you headed for.

BT: bigger? What does that mean?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): he’s taught the Black Widow how to be the Black Widow, bub. He’s offering you an apprenticeship that’ll put you on that level.

BT: Um? That’s very kind of you (I think)? But I’ve already got a teacher, so?

JB: Daredevil is fallible and controlled by emotion.

DD: *repression.

JB: His strategies rely on close combat. I can provide these lessons and more.

DD: Rely on close combat

DD: I’ll show you relying on close combat

DD: someone get me a bow

JB: alternate option: you refuse and we remain standing on unequal towers.

BT: …Does that mean you’ll kill me?

JB: All options remain on the table. Your current teacher asks only for self-determination. So you get to decide.

BT: um.

BT: no offense, but like. The fact that my teach left it to be my decision and you’re wielding…oh you know, death against me makes me kinda lean his way.

JB: unfortunate.

BT: sorry?

DD: well I think that settles that. touch him and I’ll take that mop of yours right out from the root, Sergeant Barnes.

JB: this will be a standing offer in case you come to your senses with a little more experience, BT.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): good luck asshole 😊

S2: Woah. I just looked at the chat.

S2: Wade and DD, you guys were almost cool back there

DD: I am always cool

BT: why does everyone want to kill me?

DD: they don’t. They want to steal you.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): your teacher is a cockroach who’s pissed off or fucked half of New York.

DD: always leave them wanting more, friends.

SM: Wade why the fuck are you and Sarge always fighting? You guys are on the same side 80% of the time.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): because he’s a dick

DD: because Wade doesn’t like the thought of being outdone by someone on the light side

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I’m winning Vigilante Prom Queen, Webs. And that fucker ain’t gonna take it from me if I have to kill him.

SM: that’s not a thing

S4: That’s weird. I asked Cap and he said that you’re mad that Sarge got the Ball from you last time it rolled through town.

S2: the what

DD: he WHAT

DD: WADE

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): ffs he didn’t get it from me. I dropped it and that fucker snapped it up  

DD: THAT’S WORSE

SM: WHAT THE FUCK WADE

S2: what is happening

S3: wait why are we all mad at wade now?

S4: ???

DD: I can’t believe you. I can’t fucking believe you.

SM: oh my god. This is the worst day of my life.

BT: teach? What is happening?

DD: This idiot. This fool. Lost. The goddamn ball.

SM: get off the team wade.

BT: what is the ball?

DD: I

SM: the ball. It’s the ball.

S2: spidey that’s not helping.

SM: no, I’m not being a shithead. It’s? That’s what it’s called. That’s what it is. It’s the ball.

S4: Cap said it’s a big deal for vigilantes? Some kind of tennis ball.

DD: THE tennis ball.

SM: fuck man. I’m so. Im just so.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): listen, I already blew off an arm for that shit, okay? I have repented. It ain’t gonna happen again

DD: you’re damn right it wont because the price is going to be a leg next time

S3: I’m so confused.

S2: googling has brought me nothing.

S4: Guys. Please explain. With words.

SM: how do you explain the ball?

DD: um

DD: okay

DD: so it’s this ball.

S2: red you went to an ivy league college. You have GOT to do better than that

DD: Im trying here

DD: it’s this ball. And everyone wants the ball. And it shows up every couple of years. And you have to fight for the ball.

SM: tooth and nail.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): literally life or limb.

S4: why?

SM: …why?

SM: because you need it?

DD: whoever gets the ball is the best in the city. The longer you got it, the better you are.

S2: okay so lets say you get the ball

SM: I will get the ball

S2: okay so let’s pretend Spiderman didn’t just turn into Retriever-Man.

S2: and now let’s say that you get the ball. What do you do with it?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): guard

DD: protect

SM: DON’T let anyone know you have it.

S3: so the object is to get and then keep the ball.

SM: yes

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): yes

DD: yes

S3: and then what

SM: I don’t understand.

S3: what don’t you understand? What happens after you get and keep the ball?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): wtf. You don’t keep the ball.

S2: okay so who do you give it to?

DD: you don’t give it to anyone

S4: guys I’m so confused.

BT: same.

SM: no. it’s like this. You get the ball. You keep the ball for as long as humanly possible. Until someone takes it from you.

S2: and then?

SM: there is no ‘and then.’ That’s it. those are the steps.

S2: I’m

S3: I’m so fucking confused.

S4: so who ends up with the ball??

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): GOD if we only knew

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I’d end them in an instant

DD: it always goes away

BT: wh

BT: what?

DD: it always goes away.

SM: yeah it always disappears. Someone will have it and then someone will drop it and it’ll fall into a drain or something and that CHUMP will have ruined everything.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): (spoken like a true CHUMP, Spiderkid)

 SM: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

SM: you disgraced this team and didn’t even have the balls to admit it, Wade Wilson. I won’t take criticism from you.

DD: Hawkeye tells me that it shows up on this coast occasionally.

SM: !!

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): Red.

DD: I will not lose.

BT: Um??

BT: Can I just say that I’ve never played tennis?

DD: it’s not about tennis. It’s about skill, speed, and intellect.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): and height

 SM: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): it’s def about height

S2: aw spidey

SM: I’m gonna wear heels this year and y’all are gonna be finished

S4: can we join?

DD: …

SM: um

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): if you really really want to?

S4: Nice

S4: I’m gonna steal the ball out of cuteness. No one can resist me.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): lol

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): that was Webs’s technique the first year

SM: Bitsy take it from me. It does not work. The Widow will let you hold the ball and will then take you out at the knees.

S4: I will avoid the Widow

S2: How are we gonna play with the Rona, though?

SM: um

SM: so

SM: Idk if you’ve noticed but like.

SM: p much everyone wears masks?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): or they will wear masks. Nothing has changed but the number of pedestrians.

DD: Have inquired with Hawkeye 2.

DD: She states that the ball usually shows up in LA or San Diego.

BT: we don’t know LA or San Diego

DD: hm yes.

BT: does that mean that we’re fucked, boss?

DD: no this means that we must study.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): oh shit everyone look out. Red’s breaking out the Nerd Glasses.

DD: these are my regular glasses.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): pft

SM: You’re just mad Red can make glasses look cool and you can’t

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): pft

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): red.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): cool

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): hilarious

DD: when I get the ball I am using it to take out yours

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): oh so kinky pal. Didn’t realize you were into ball torture

DD: only yours

SM: Stop denigrating the ball. It is a nonsexual object and I’m going to get it and eat it and no one will ever take it from me ever again.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): Forever bitter about getting taken out by Moonie.

DD: never over it. It’s okay, Spiderkid. We mourned with you for that one.

S2: spidey?

SM:never speak of it.

S2: okay sure

S4: Who plays?

SM: everyone.

S3: who is everyone?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): did the boy stutter?

DD: Mostly vigilantes. Sometimes some of the big shots. Barnes plays every year, the bastard

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): it’s like tackling a brick wall. God. So many dislocations.

DD: Jess plays too

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): another brick wall. Gal is sober only for the ball I swear to god.

DD: Luke

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): Red have you ever noticed that all your other teams are just brick shithouses. And then there’s…you?

DD: Danny makes me feel better

SM: AHAHA

SM: I’m gonna beat the shit out of Danny.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): still forever mad about Rand’s baseball arm.

SM: I have superstrength.

DD: Danny has an iron fist, kid. Of course he’s gonna catch shit headed towards it. His empty head has its own gravity.

S2: oh my god I thought you two were friends

DD: we are

BT: this isn’t friend-talk teach

DD: I tell him his head is huge and empty every Christmas.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): and then you try to beat it in

DD: like a fuckin balloon

SM: Listen. Guys. We need to strategize.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): no. Everyone for themselves. No one disgrace the team.

SM: yeah but what if Wolverine shows up again

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): Then I will finally FINALLY attain sweet death in pursuit of happiness

DD: If Logan shows up he gets the ball. No questions.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): not if I have anything to say about it

DD: revised: if Logan shows up, it becomes his and Wade’s ballgame.

S2: I’m so scared to play

S3: same. Maybe I’ll sit this one out and just watch

S4: I asked Cap for footage and he sent this.

S4: [video]

S2: Holy shit Spidey you were so little

S3: makes Wade look huge

SM: I will not be fooled again

DD: is this the year where Hawkeye started throwing frisbees into the mix and taking people out and confusing the rest of us?

S3: say what

SM: that’s the one

DD: bastard

SM: that’s your friend, man

DD: yeah and what an asshole

S2: oh my GOD spidey you and Hawkeye II were so little. how did you guys not get crushed???

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): Protective measures.

SM: People kept throwing us out of the way of like, big falling structures. Or you know, Castle taking everyone on the dock out with a motorcycle.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): we are mindful of the little ones.

DD: some of us

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): not Moonie.

DD: not moonie.

SM: what a dick

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): If you’re under 5’5” folks have got an eye out for you.

S2: nice. Count me in then.

S3: okay but what about if you’re around 6’2” with only about a year and half of vigilante experience and a fairly loose dedication to competition?

DD: get out

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): don’t play

SM: probably not a good space for you, S3.

BT: I’m not gonna lie.

BT: this is giving me a little anxiety

DD: we can fix that. Will practice.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): don’t worry kiddo, you’ll probably be down south. The West Coast ain’t shit when it comes to the Ball.

SM: which is why, Red, if you lose we’ll never forgive you.

DD: I ain’t losing.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): that’s the spirit

BT: I don’t want to fight Ms America

DD: I’ll fight her then. You deal with Hawkeye.

BT: …friend?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): no friends in love and war.

SM: I will send some hatred your way for you to channel.

S4: Is this strategizing?

SM: yes

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): yes

DD: yes

S4: okay, so uh. What’s our strategy then? Just to recap?

SM: Don’t lose.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): Don’t lose.

DD: Win or suffer the consequences.

S4: okay cool. Just checking.

S4: (help)

S3: (oh my god help us)

BT: (I’m gonna cry I can’t do this I can’t even finish a puzzle)

S2: (don’t worry wimps. I got this.)

S3: (thank you LS for carrying our dead weight)

BT: (^)

S4: (^)