ring ring ring banana phone
S2: hey spidey
SM: what?
S2: do you know what today is?
SM: uuuuuuuuuuh
SM: Wednesday?
S2: yes but the other thing
SM: the day your powers have returned to you?
S2: we are close and I grow less horizontal every day, but no. Keep going.
SM: is it Wade’s birthday?
S2: 1) You guys have been friends for like 10 years and you have to ask me? 2) You’re warmer with Wade
SM: no you’re right Wade’s a Scorpio (ew)
S2: Says the Leo
SM: Says the Aquarius
S3: for the last time: this isn’t a thing.
SM: says the Virgo
S2: ^^
S4: Virgo Power ✊🏾
S3: omg Virgo Power ✨✊🏾✨
S2: oh so NOW it’s a real thing, is it, S3??
BT: are we doing zodiac signs?
BT: I’m a Sagittarius
SM: oh
S2: oh
S3: that tracks
BT: I’m not touching that
BT: What’s the old guy’s? He’s put a moratorium on the word ‘zodiac’ in the house ever since I binge-watched all the zodiac killer stuff I could find so I can’t ask
SM: uuuuh
S2: Spidey
S2: Spidey, ten years you’ve known these people
SM: come on girl, gimme a break. names are easy, birthdays are hard
S2: no. get it together. GOD. this is vital information
SM: ffs. Okay fine. hold on lemme check the dates I wanna get it right
SM: he’s a Libra
S2: UGH
S4: oh
S3: I could see that
S2: go away skeptic. You don’t get to pick and choose when you believe in stuff
S3: I do, actually?
D2: I’m an Aries
SM: what
S2: what
S4: oh no Dave that’s all wrong
SM: By how many days??
D2: oh I’m right on the far edge.
SM: Wait. Dave, it’s your birthday this weekend??
D2: oh wow so it is
S2: !!!!!!!!!
S3: DAVE
D2: That does explain the shifty kid behavior.
S3: DAVE WE’VE GOTTA CELEBRATE
D2: we really don’t. I’m so old ☹
DD: I heard birthday
DD: whose birthday
S4: Dave’s birthday is this weekend!
DD: oh good there’s still time
BT: boss you’re a libra?
DD: I was born in October, yes.
DD: David I have the perfect gift I will send it along shortly
D2: you don’t have to!!
S2:take your present David
D2: okay!
S2: youre damn right
S3: we should video call
D2: please do not. My whole family is already doing a thing and its so much trouble for everyone but my sis has the fattest wiener dog in the world and she is going to try to lift him up to the camera and I can’t NOT witness that, you know?
S2: Bribed with a sausage. Typical.
D2: 😥
S2: ugh it’s fine I’ll forgive you
D2: 😀
S3: How old are you gonna be?
D2: Ancient
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): someone called?
SM: Wade’s 46 this year
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): a;lkjdfsalsdfsjdlf
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): TAKE IT BACK YOU MONSTER
SM: my bad
SM: Wade’s 29
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): oh thank god
BT: yeah and Teach is like 41?
DD: age is a handicap imposed upon me by the Lord which I accept with grace
S2: I see someone finally got to go to Mass
BT: I can’t tell if he’s more or less insufferable this way
D2: oh, well, I’ll be turning 38.
DD: Behold. A child.
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): burn it
DD: no
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): burn it
DD: the rest of them are even younger, Wade
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): burn them all
DD: for what purpose?
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I haven’t decided yet
S2: Wade go away I’m trying to talk about you
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): oh okay I’ll go then
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): PSYCH
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): ain’t no one talking shit about me without me startin it
S3: I.
S4: hm
S2: Spidey forgot your birthday
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): WEBS HOW COULD YOU
SM: You told me it was your birthday a different month each year for the first 5 we knew each other- how the fuck is this my fault???
DD: Nov 22nd, no?
S2: holy shit
S3: wow Red’s on it
DD: Birthdays are easy. Faces aren’t my forte.
SM: omg.
SM: terrible
S2: FUCK
S3: DD, why
DD: someone get me one of them winking faces
S4: UwU
S4: 😉 (for you.)
S3: Bitsy don’t encourage him
DD: thank you. You leave the fetus alone. He is under my tutelage
S4:!! I’m DD’s apprentice now?
BT: 🔪
S4: I’m sorry I didn’t mean it
BT: 😊
S4: why are you so scary to me and me only??
S2: ??? Blindspot’s not scary??
BT: ^^ 😊
S4: he is, though? He threatens me all the time?
SM: um?
SM: he def doesn’t?
BT: I am nothing but kind to you, Bitsy. Why do you spread such lies? 😔
S4: YOU’RE the one who’s lying.
S3: woah Bitsy. That’s not cool.
BT: ^^
DD: There is no need for arguments I can have two apprentices.
SM: he’s mine. Drop it.
DD: oh, is he now?
JB: Steve thinks otherwise.
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): JESUS
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE
JB: a minute
DD: tell Cap I’ll fight him in Union Square for the kid
SM: No. Don’t do that. This has already been settled a thousand times. Bitsy is MY apprentice.
S4: ☹
S4: I agreed to that before I got all these other offers tho, Spidey
DD: you hear that? The boy deserves a choice
BT: 👍 = 🔪
S4: BULLY
S4: Don’t y’all see this??
JB: Steven has already formed a bond, it’s too late. Bitsy is ours.
DD: So I’ll have to fight you, then?
DD: that’s fine. When and where?
SM: Red you’re not fighting Sergeant Barnes.
JB: I mean I got nothin else to do. I’m locked out ☹
S2: I’m
S3: wh
BT: Aren’t you an international spy?
JB: and human weapon
BT: my b. Aren’t you an international spy and human weapon?
JB: yes
BT: …
JB: ?
BT: okay, so anyways. Bitsy I’m sorry but Teach can only handle one apprentice at a time and I require lots of attention.
DD: this is true, unfortunately
S4: that’s fine, I wouldn’t want to be your mentee-brother anyways, BT.
BT: 😊 Say what you little shit?
S4: see?? MEAN.
S2: You antagonized him, Bitsy, idk what you expected??
S4: !!!! He??? Threatened me?? With a knife?
BT: are you suggesting that I abuse children?
S4: what? No. Obviously not, I’m saying you abuse ME.
BT: yes you do keep saying that.
SM: BT, you’re not threatening MY apprentice with violence, are you?
BT: never. Have you seen me? I couldn’t threaten a fly. It’s why I need a good teacher UwU.
DD: why are you complimenting?
DD: are you sick?
DD: what do you want from me?
JB: I’ve done the research.
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): you’re STILL HERE
JB: yes, I just said I’m locked out why would that have changed?
S3: I mean? Of what? The Avengers Headquarters?
JB: what? No. My house.
S2: I’m
S4: Did Cap lock you out again?
JB:☹ yes
S4: did you apologize for whatever it is that you did?
JB: ☹ no
S4: have you tried apologizing?
JB: I would rather eat shit and die
SM: I’m texting Falcon-Cap
JB: please do. I left my phone inside.
SM: …
S2: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAA
S3: Um. Sarge.
JB: yes?
S3: My computer says that you’re using a phone right now
JB: oh
JB: well that’s convenient
S2: This is the person who destroyed Washington DC.
S2: This is the person who destroyed Washington DC.
JB: hey now
JB: I was compromised
JB: AND under the control of a handler. Don’t gotta think when you got one of them.
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): Webs, call this feral raccoon’s secondary owner please.
SM: already done. He says, and I quote, ‘no. He stays outside. He knows what he’s done.’
JB: ☹
S2: I don’t understand how you work, Mr. Barnes.
JB: I have only a vague understanding myself, hon, don’t worry about it.
JB: anyways, what I was saying before this was that I have done the research on you, BT. And have learned that you are 5’ 7” and approximately 140lbs with black hair and black and white suit. What is your aim in joining up with Daredevil?
BT: okay, one?
BT: Like fuck I’d tell you
BT: and two? I’m 5’7.25” so go to hell
DD: watch your mouth when speaking to our potential allies
BT: you told Frank Castle to die in a sewer yesterday
DD: he is not an ally
DD: he is an obstacle at best
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): yeah but would you fuck him, red?
DD: Depends for how much
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): 10k
DD: keep going
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): 15k
DD: I have a business to run, Wade. It ain’t cheap. Keep going.
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): 23k?
DD: yeah probably
S2: Red you can be bought for so little
DD: I’d break Wilson Fisk’s jaw for free?
SM: yeah but would you sleep with him?
DD: never ask me that again
SM: you started it
BT: Husband is texting NYC Contact to let her know that you said you’d fuck Frank Castle for less than 25 grand, teach
DD: …excuse me. I must go mitigate a disaster waiting to happen.
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I mean, I’d fuck him for $50
S2: *k
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): no no. Just $50
JB: Get standards Wilson
JB: oh by the way, sorry about your cat
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): don’t fucking speak of it
JB: Steve’s pleaded with Sam for a day and a half now and I think we are on the cusp of kitten acquisition tho, so if you need to get rid of one or two, that’s an option.
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I will…keep that in mind.
DD: CAT
BT: no. Go back.
SM: KITTENS
SM: Bella is gonna have babies??? For real for real??
S2: lol yeah. She’s hella hormonal
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): Listen.
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I have taken 5 separate medications in the last hour.
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): this is the anniversary of my would-be-wife’s death
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I cannot handle discussion of the goddamned cat right now.
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): so please, can we just. Not.
SM: oh shit, Wade I’m so sorry I forgot
DD: ah
DD: that sucks Wade, sorry to hear that. Would you like an orphanage story to cheer you up?
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): yes, actually that would be great
S2: a what?
S3: ^^
S4: ?
SM: Red is secretly Annie and grew up in an orphanage
DD: Red is majorly traumatized by the foster care system but I have a great many tales from my time in it
BT: they are all borderline unbelievable
DD: Wade, I have one about a peanut butter heist or one about a game of telephone gone wrong. Pick your poison.
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): telephone.
DD: okay so it was a dark and stormy night
S2: oh here we go
DD: and we had I think 6 kids in our dorm this year. I think I was 12?
DD:[voice message] 12 or 13. Was on break between foster home 2 and 3. Doesn’t matter. There was this kid Raleigh.
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): what was Raleigh like
DD: nervous.
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): why was he nervous?
DD: [voice message] because it was his sister who’d fucked one of the visiting seminary students who were supposed to chaperone our yearly carnival exodus.
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): OH MY GOD
DD: [voice message] Yes, that’s what we all said. And then we said, “Nayeli, why did you ruin this for us? We never get nice things and this is exactly why.”
SM: what did Nayeli say?
DD: [voice message] She told us that we were brats and to get scarce before she made us.
DD: [voice message] Not the point though. The point is that Nayeli fucked this seminary student. He was in crisis, Raleigh was in crisis for him and his sister, and we were all in crisis for Raleigh.
DD:[voice message] The next morning after they screwed around, the students were supposed to visit with the Father to talk to the volunteers and the nuns, right?
S2: right
DD:[voice message] But this seminary student who I forget the name of--let’s call him ‘Jake’--Jake is maybe 19 and shitting himself over his sins and we all know he’s waiting for an opportunity to get the Father alone to discuss everything and drop out of school to repent or whatever.
DD: [voice message] Obviously if the Father found out about Nayeli, our carnival day would be cut short by prayer for compassion and forgiveness or whatever--either that or by homework, depending on how the Father was feeling--so we, the youths, decided that we were going to shift the window of opportunity for Jake and the Father’s discussion until after the carnival.
DD: [voice message] But Jake, apparently, looked guilty as hell, so we, in adolescent genius, took it upon ourselves to explain to the Sisters why he was feeling under the weather to get them to bully him back to bed for the time being.
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): which you did by?
DD: well
DD: [voice message] Raleigh told me to tell the sisters that I was feeling sick from dinner yesterday. Which I did. Which we all did. But then Chris told Raleigh right afterwards that the girls had already said that it they felt fine, which was the first flaw in our telephone plan.
DD: [voice message] A lesson in mass coordination was learned by all in about 15 seconds.
DD: [voice message] So to fix that, Chris went out and climbed up into the girl’s dorm and told them what was what and they were, of course, immediately game to play sick. But the older girls said that we were all dumbasses and that we had to just let Jake tell the Father.
DD: [voice message] So at this point we picked up Adversaries Group 1.
S2: omg
S3: this sounds like a movie
DD: we had a lot of time and the Sandlot on DVD and VHS. What did you expect?
DD: anyways
DD: [voice message] The older girls went off to confront Nayeli and make her fess up so the rest of us didn’t get in trouble. But the chances of everyone going unpunished when we all knew about Nayeli’s fuck up was slim, so the rest of us agreed that the girls would go set off the smoke alarm in their dorm and the boys would hurry off and tell the nuns that Nayeli was smoking weed in the North wing.
DD: [voice message] In hindsight this was a flawless plan
DD:[voice message] With the exception that most of us were under the age of 13 and lived in a highly Catholic institution.
DD:[voice message] Anyways. We hurry off and tell one of the Sisters that Nayeli is smoking weed. She freaks out at the fire alarm and rushes off to call the fire department and on the way grabs another Sister and tells her that one of the kids has drugs on the premises again.
DD:[voice message] This Sister is not a fool.
DD:[voice message] I suspect that this Sister has smoked herself in her youth.
DD: [voice message] She tells the first nun that the place doesn’t smell like weed and asks her where she heard that from.
DD:[voice message] We all make ourselves scarce.
DD: [voice message] Or try to.
DD:[voice message] But nuns are invincible, you see, so we get maybe a toe out of the main hall before she’s calling our bluff and demanding to know how we knew what Nayeli was smoking was weed.
DD:[voice message] The fire department is literally on its way now.
DD:[voice message] Sirens are blaring.
DD:[voice message] Raleigh panics and says that he knows because he smokes weed.
DD:[voice message] We are 12.
DD:[voice message] Sister Nun now knows something else is up.
DD:[voice message] Asks us what weed smells like in full knowledge that none of us has so much as sniffed a joint.
DD:[voice message] the answer is not grape. Just fyi.
S2: ADFSDFJS:DFSDf
DD:[voice message] Sister Nun asks us what we’re hiding.
DD:[voice message] We lie. Repeat the weed line.
DD:[voice message] Sister Nun reminds us that liars do not make it into the kingdom of heaven.
DD:[voice message] “Your souls will be damned to eternal hellfire,” I believe she said. “So ‘fess up.”
DD:[voice message] We remain approximately 12 and under. Hellfire is very scary. We listened to a reading of Dante’s inferno the other week. So we fess up. We tell her that Nayeli is not only smoking out behind the chapel, but she’s been seeing a guy out there in a sexy kind of way. Sister Nun is horrified.
DD: [voice message] Sister Nun sends us all to bed even though it is eleven in the morning.
DD:[voice message] We go. Sister Nun chases the fire department out of the place by telling them that she’s got bigger problems than their damn hoses. Nayeli knows what’s up. Sister Nun corners her.
DD:[voice message] Nayeli tells the Sister that we’re all lying and mad because she caught us smoking a joint out in the yard.
DD:[voice message] Sister Nun is armed with the knowledge that we think weed smells like grapes.
DD: [voice message] Sister Nun asks Nayeli if she’s been promiscuous.
DD:[voice message] Nayeli says that that’s between her and God.
DD:[voice message] Sister Nun asks her dead straight if she’s fucking Jake, the seminary student.
DD:[voice message] yes. Obviously she is.
DD:[voice message] Sister Nun tells her that she better hope that pregnancy isn’t her divine punishment and sends her to her room. But, at this point, a flood of seminary students show up all talking at once.
DD:[voice message] They say that it wasn’t Jake who fucked around with Nayeli. It was this other guy who stole Jake’s identity and is trying to frame him for crimes against God.
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): Red. This. This is wild.
DD:[voice message] I never said that anyone in this story was smart. The only thing we were was Catholic.
SM: I’m cryiNG
DD:[voice message] So the seminary students are now on the ‘hunt’ for this impersonator on behalf of their buddy who’s strayed from the path, and Jake, we learn from Nayeli and two of the oldest girls, is currently sobbing in his bunk.
DD:[voice message] Raleigh decides enough is enough. This is ridiculous. He goes out to defend his sister’s honor and sneaks into Jake’s room and tells him the only way to make this right is for him to marry his sister.
S2: oh my GOD
DD:[voice message] We all agree with him that this is truly the only way forward and support his decision.
S2: OH MY GOD
S3: DD, you said ‘telephone.’ This isn’t telephone. This is a rollercoaster.
DD:[voice message] I said telephone gone wrong. I don’t know how more wrong this game of telephone could go.
S3: you know what? That’s totally fair. Please go on.
DD: Okay.
DD:[voice message] Raleigh tells Jake he’s got to marry his sister and Jake breaks down and agrees to do it. Because this is obviously the only way out of this situation.
DD:[voice message] So now a proposal is on.
DD:[voice message] Raleigh comes back to the dorm. Tells us the situation. We are helpless in the face of true love, so we agree to help him distract the Sisters while he and the girls get Jake and Nayeli together somewhere for long enough to make a proposal.
DD:[voice message] This is harder than it sounds because Sister Nun is aware of the circumstances. She must be stopped from telling the Father before Jake can propose.
DD:[voice message] It is at this point where I am selected to represent my fellows.
SM: please explain why
S4: PLEASE
DD:[voice message] Because I have been scolded many many times for climbing on the roof
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): AHSDASHDF:KDF
DD: [voice message] We all know I can get up there and we all know that this will grab attention immediately.
BT: I’m honestly shocked that the Sisters didn’t ship you off to Iceland for the rest of your youth, Boss.
DD:[voice message] They threatened to send me on a mission with one of the novices at least twice a year, don’t you worry.
DD:[voice message] But back to this story.
DD:[voice message] I climb on the roof.
DD:[voice message] Accidently forget that the fire department is still out front.
SM: O H MY GOD
DD: I[voice message] Am now on the run from the fire department.
BT: TEACH
S2: ASDHADHSHasdlfhsd;kfjsdf
S3: oh no
DD:[voice message] I don’t actually know what went on inside during that time, I was a little busy. But I do know that by the time one of the firefighters carried me back indoors kicking and screaming, my social worker was there and she was pissed. Actually a whole lot of social workers were there and they were all pissed and all us kids got about four sermons minimum from every authority in our lives at that time.
DD:[voice message] But you know who proposed?
S2: JAKE??
DD:[voice message] fuckin’ Jake
DD:[voice message] And somehow the two of those knuckleheads got married and had four kids, all of whom go to my church back home, and no one has ever mentioned or asked how they got together.
DD: the end.
SM: I
SM: am
SM:sobbing
S2: Red that’s beautiful
DD: does this help, Wade?
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): asd;fkljasd;fl yes
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): it helps
DD: I’m glad. Pouring one out for your girl over here.
SM: Same
S3: hold on lemme get a glass
S4: I want to join!
S4: How do I join?
S2: go to your mom’s liquor cabinet and get a shotglass.
S4: just a sec
S4: okay done
S2: you have apple juice?
S4: OJ?
S2: Close enough. Hold on let me get us some glasses, Wade.
BT:[image] ready when you are.
SM: [image]
S2: [image]
S3: [image]
D2: oh shit we’re pouring things out? Gimme a sec, the kid took a swig of vodka last week so I had to hide it. Just a min
S4: [image]
D2: here we are
D2:[image]
SM: To Vanessa!
S2: To Vanessa!
S3: To Vanessa!
S4: To Wade’s lady!
D2: May she rest in peace!
DD: To Vanessa, sister in arms.
BT: And sister in spirit.
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): y’all are makin me cry. Thanks you. She woulda loved all of you.
JB: Would she tho?
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL HERE