shelter order

SM: I have risen like a phoenix

S4: Spidey!!! You’re back!!

SM: I am here to accuse Red, our beloved Red, of treason.

DD: bite me

SM: do you accept the charges against you?

DD: this ain’t a court of law

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): y’all need bodies of law to proceed

SM: Red lend me your husband

DD: fuck you no

SM: fine BT come be my representation

BT: I am not qualified. Am a mere paper pusher.

SM: get over here and be my rep. Non-negotiable. Your mentor has committed treason.

BT: I

BT: look man I love you but my loyalties are kind of tied up in the big guy so?

SM: I see

SM: okay then

SM: both of you are on trial now

BT: NO

DD: Apprentice.

BT: yes?

DD: settle.

BT: yes sir

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): hnnnnng

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): its back

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): someone call me sir

S4: ask LS, she’s on your couch rn

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): she won’t. I’ve tried every way and her defenses remain impenetrable even while incapacitated

SM: everyone shut up I’m trying to put people on trial.

SM: this is your last chance BT. I’ll give you the opportunity to explain yourself and get a lighter sentence

BT: I??

DD: say nothing

BT: ^

SM: disappointing

SM: I’m disappointed in you

BT: I’m gonna fucking cry

DD: kid, his approval means nothing he’s barely 2 years older than you

BT: I don’t care I need it

DD: say what you want spiderchild. Lay out your case.

SM: I will

SM: We are supposed to be staying inside, Mr. Daredevil. Inside. That is what a shelter order means. You shelter in place. We—and we, especially, as highly mobile potential vectors of disease—can not just go out in full costume to have a wander around our neighborhoods. Even just to wave at little kids through windows. There are systems in place to keep people in place while getting this type of entertainment. Do you seriously think Cap wants to vlog??? Do you think that the Widow wants to show people how much she spoils her damn cat?

SM: no. They hate that shit. But they are doing it anyways and if you want to spread good will, you and BT have to set an example for folks. It is our responsibility as public figures to do so. If folks see Daredevil running around without a mask, then they’ll think they can do that shit, too.

SM: so while I get the sentiment, it’s not appropriate for our given situation. Please refrain in future.

DD: are you done?

SM: not if that’s the tone you’re going to take

DD: oh good, so you’re done.

DD: Wade be the judge please.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): do I get to be a ‘sir’?

S4: I think that means you get to be a ‘your honor’

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): nice 👌

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): alright go on. Present your case.

DD: thank you, your honor

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): fucking nice

DD: so first of all, the plaintiff has suggested that myself and my apprentice were being irresponsible in terms of not wearing masks. This is false. We both wore masks as we always wear masks and so the point should be overruled.

SM: that’s not the kind of mask I’m talking about and you know it

DD: your honor?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): he’s technically right, Spidey. He did wear a mask. Just not on the right half of his face.

DD: thank you

SM: for fucks sake

DD: are you going to interrupt or can I continue?

SM: whatever go the fuck on I guess

S4: someone wake up LS, she loves Law and Order

S3: on it

DD: furthermore, your honor, the plaintiff has argued that myself and apprentice were acting against the public’s interest.

DD: this is problematic. Who decides what is in the public interest is arbitrary and dependent on the situation. Myself and my apprentice’s targeted audience for this act was, in fact, local children who remained socially distant to us according to CDC guidelines. These children are a section of the public whose needs differ from that of the adult public.

DD: this should be taken into consideration.

SM: I’m not saying that kids don’t have different needs rn

DD: Children who live in the Tenderloin and Bayview districts are disproportionately affected by poverty compared to children who live in other parts of San Francisco. They often do not have access or at least consistent access to the content that other public figures such as Captain America and the Black Widow are producing.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): idk spidey he’s kind of got you there

SM: that’s not what I’m saying, Red

DD: Because social distancing guidelines were maintained, masks were worn, and additional needs were taken into consideration, myself and my apprentice, I argue, are innocent of the charges presented, your honor.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): woof. Yeah okay I get that

SM: Red. People see you not wearing a mask in the street and they want to come flock you and take pictures and that does nothing to help this situation.

DD: no one did that because just because people are poor does not meant they are idiots. You should know this.

SM: I do know this and I’m not talking about them. I’m talking about folks who already don’t want to keep sheltering in place and who would see getting a selfie with daredevil as a once-in-a-lifetime event that is worth breaking the order for.

DD: well the good news is that no one did because in the daytime I’m 6 feet tall with a dumb hat and murderous intent

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I mean

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): almost 6 feet tall

DD: do you want to drown, your honor?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): depends. In what?

DD: acid

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): pass

DD: it’s fine, Spidey. It was for the kids.

SM: I think we’re going to have to agree to disagree on this one. I personally am not going to go out. It just encourages people to be fuckheads.

DD: And chasing everyone indoors with the promise of a superhero waving up at you through the window also encourages people not to be, Spiderkid. I know you love rules and regs. I know your science brain is thinking about vectors or whatever.

DD: but these are still people we’re talking about.

DD: They need reasons to stay inside. Here in California, we are going to be doing this for ages. We need changes in our every day lives to remember that sheltering is worth doing.

S4: I think that’s fair

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): saaaaaaaaaaaame

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): Okay: decision. I have a six year old who pouted for 40 min the other day until her foster mama put Cap on the tablet. Kids need heroes rn and they need them in front of their houses or in them where they can see them. Different folks got different strokes but we’re all headed towards the same goal. Next time, Red, wear a mask or smth to make em think that that’s cool too. Spidey, loosen up a little. This ain’t a sprint. We gotta be flexible here. As long as we take precautions, we’re doing what we can. There ain’t more that we can do than that.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): fair?

SM: UGH

DD: fair. BT, I want a full helmet

BT:yes. I can make this happen. Where are the horns?

DD: you aint touching the horns

BT: I’m gonna mold em

DD: you are touching the horns for 20 minutes at the most

BT: I’m gonna go find them

BT: this is fun it’ll be like an easter egg hunt but for satan

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): oh shit tomorrow is easter

SM: I’m still mad. I just need y’all to know this

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): yes, you’re very good at being mad. Gold star.

SM: p a t r o n i z i n g

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): have an egg

SM: I don’t want your fuckin egg.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): have a rabbit

SM: I want a stricter shelter order

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): have another rabbit

S2: I am risen

S4: Jesus 2.0

S2: That’s right bitch Imma about to get me crucified. Someone make me a cross to die on

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): putting you on a cross at this moment would be like throwing a wet dish rag on the back of a chair

S2: lemme do it I got this I’ll take one for the team.

S2: also y’all I am Hot and having some wild dreams

S2: lemme tell you about these dreams

S2: in one of them, I committed tax fraud

S3: oh that’s very good. I had a similar one, but then my mom told me to stop reading the damn mail and get the hell back into my room.

S4: I don’t think that was a dream S3

S3: yeah that’s what she was shouting through the door a min ago

S2: nice. In my other dream I turned into a dragon

S4: woooooah

S2: yeah and my folks turned into pigs it was hella traumatic

S4: were you watching Spirited away again?

S2: you don’t know my life

BT: !!!

BT: I LOVE Spirited Away!!

BT: me and Chihiro are like. The same person.

S2: Same

S3: Same

S4: Same

SM: I’m still mad

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I like the man with the many arms and the stache. I want a stache

S2: you don’t need one, Wade.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I’m gonna buy one

S3: that is a nonessential purchase wade

BT: boss, can we watch spirited away?

DD: what is it about?

S2: GASP

S4:  you don’t know???

S3: smh

BT: it’s about an annoying kid who learns to be less annoying and there is a dragon and a mouse and a witch.

DD: Red reding hood?

BT: yes

S4: no? Not like, at all?

BT: shut up bitsy, I’m trying to do something.

S4: oh okay

BT: you’ll love it teach, it involves taking baths.

DD: A child? On screen? Taking baths??? Hell no what kind of pervert do you think I am?

BT: no she’s not taking baths

S4: she works at a bathhouse, DD

DD: child labor now?

D2: hello!

D2: oh are we talking about Spirited away? I love that movie

S2: how has dave seen this and Red not? Y’all grew up blocks away from each other.

DD: I went to catholic school

D2: we weren’t allowed to mix with the catholic school kids. My folks called em ‘conservative brats.’

DD: EXCUSE ME

D2: their words not mine

DD: EXCUSE ME

D2: again. Their words, not mine

DD: So fucking rude. So FUCKING rude.

D2: I mean

D2: honestly everyone at my school just said that the Catholic school kids were all gang members.

DD: we were WHAT?

D2: I’m sorry it wasn’t PC, I get that now

DD: What school did you go to I’m sending my fellow alumni gang members around to egg it

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): the right word you’re looking for there, David, is ‘cult’ not ‘gang’

DD: do you want to go?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): yes

DD: I will punish you in Jesus’s fucking name?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): alright do it. One for the birthday boy

DD: ITS NOT HIS BIRTHDAY YOU MASSIVE FUCKHEAD

DD: Its

DD: the

DD: OPPOSITE

BT: oh okay I think now is a great time to watch Spirited Away. Excuse me y’all, we gotta bounce before one of us has an aneurysm.

BT: teach likes the score.

S2: I mean the Mets are down by 7 in this rerun so if he’s truly a bastard and an Orioles fan I could see that.

BT: no the score. Of Spirited away. He’s not interested in anything else

S2: the fuck? Like Yubaba: 1000, Everyone Else: Nil?

S3: the music, girl

S2: ooooooooooooooooh

S2: gotcha

S2: that’s pretty him-typical

BT: Husband was reassuringly obsessed with this movie when it came out and is devastated with me that the old guy’s failing to learn life lessons from it. So that’s a small comfort

S3: Maybe he’d like the one about the castle better? He and the Howl guy are very similar in terms of manic behavior.

BT: you

BT: you are correct.

BT: thank

S3: no problem

SM: okay I’m slightly less mad now

S4: eeeeeeey

S4: are you still mad that me and BT interviewed Cap and Sarge last week?

SM: what? No. I’m chill with them.

S4: you sure?

SM: yes?

S4: okay just checking

S3: hey Spidey I need some advice

SM: oh okay go on then

S3: I am feeling the need to wall crawl.

SM: cold shower. You cannot.

S3: thank you

S2: Immmmm sleeeeeeeeby

SM: so sleep

S2: can’t I’ll die

SM: so don’t sleep then. You want a Monster? I’ve got a few left.

S2: oooooooh

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): not in this house

SM: piss off I’m talking here

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I’m

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): what?

S2: lol

S2: Spidey used New Yawk. It was very effective.

S3: Wade are you a US citizen?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): you the IRS?

S3: no

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): then no. Resident. Why?

S2: become a citizen wade this country needs you

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): green peppers on pizza—thoughts?

S2: distraction tactics will not work. This country neeeeeeeds you

SM: he won’t. He wants to always have smth in common with Wolverine

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): mention him again child 😊

SM: 🙃

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): fine on your head be it

S2: woah

S4: I’ve heard of Wolverine!! Cap said he’s ‘small, angry, and horny’

S3: BITSY

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): accurate

SM: CAP. THIS IS A CHILD YOU’RE TALKING TO.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I mean

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): accurate tho

SM: Cap come here and explain yourself

CA: explain what?

S2: scroll up

CA: oh right

CA: no. I said what I said.

SM: I cannot belIEVE

CA: Okay so don’t. I’m busy. I have a vlog to do. I’m alphabetizing our record collection.

SM: ? You have four records.

CA: yes.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): really reaching for content there, huh, gorgeous?

CA: oh wade, right I meant to text you. Stark wants to examine your cat.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): hng

S2: boner defeated

SM: LS. CHILD. PRESENT. LANGUAGE.

S4: I know what a boner is, Spidey.

S2: I said what I said.

SM: Cap. You are corrupting my ranks. Get out. Get out. GET OUT.

CA: lol

CA: okay, text me please Wade.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): k

S2: boner so crushed that he can’t even find enough soul left to flirt. Man. These are truly dire times.

DD: I like the movie with the wizard.

S4: Howl’s moving castle?

DD: yes

DD: I like the dog the best

SM: the dog?

DD: Husband describes as ‘a mop with chicken feet and hound ears.’ I approve of this dog.

S2: that was not what I would have expected you to take away from this movie.

S3: ^

SM: DD what is your favorite film?

DD: I have many

SM: Oh I know it. name three

DD: A League of their Own

S2:nice

DD: Guys and Dolls

S3: what

DD: The Princess Bride

S3: okay that one we should have seen coming

DD: I have opinions on tv shows too

SM: please go on. Please.

DD: Law and Order can go fuck itself and all its various iterations

S2: how dare you speak of ill of Olivia Benson

S2: she is a HERO you sexist bastard. She’s solved HUNDREDS of cases.

DD: The office isn’t funny

S3: alright sorry, I’m out. This is too painful.

DD: Old Yeller is the only television show that ever mattered

S4: I’m shook

SM: …

SM: hm.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): Red, the good news is that you’re nil for nil.

D2: oh I loved Old Yeller. Where the Red Fern Grows destroyed me.

DD: yes. good taste.

BT: Husband says he has video of Red drunk-sobbing about the ending of Old Yeller from college.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): forward it now Invisiboy. Or face the consequences.

DD: Husband drunk sobbed over Ella Enchanted, he has no room to talk.

S2: oh my god

S3: I mean, I cried during Shrek

S4: I love shrek.

SM: I’m

S2: I’m

S3: oh wow, Bitsy.

D2: God help me there are so many shrek toys in my house. Why.

DD: Wasn’t shrek out when we were kids?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): fuck yeah it was

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): you know who snuck vodka into a theatre to see shrek?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): this guy

S2: what flavor

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): ‘dad’s liquor cabinet’

S2: oh, so sweet vengeance

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): ya damn right

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): Got crossfaded in the back of the theatre. Cry-laughed myself to sleep. Woke up in the middle of Ocean’s Eleven. Watched the fuck outta that shit and tried to rob the local art museum. Got arrested.

D2: Wade I am so concerned about your past sometimes

DD: Legally Blonde came out in 2001

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): oh shit

S2: 👂👂👂👂

SM: !

S3: and

S3: what were your feelings about that Red?

DD: I think Elle Woods might have cured my childhood depression

S4: oh my god

S2: Wait: a question for Husband

DD: okay hold on

DD: Husband acquired

S2: How many people at your law school were Elle Woods in disguise?

DD: Oh, you don’t need Husband for that

DD: husband dated an Elle Woods wannabe for years

S2: !!!!

S3: how did that make you feel, red?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): *chinhands*

DD: Y’all ever chewed aluminum?

S2: adskasdfhasdkfs

DD: like that

S3: yes

SM: aw, DD.

DD: there is truly no justice in this world.

BT: I thought you two were on talking terms now

DD: that’s what she thinks

S2:alsdkafsdfljlja

S3: that’s uh. Really rough, man. I’m sorry that you suffered.

DD: I’m more Elle Woods than she is. ME.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): we know honey

DD: ME

SM: so we have hit another nerve. Wow, how hard was that.

DD: what do I have to do to win this man’s heart? I just want to fuck EMMETT

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): you gotta get an internship man

S4: maybe start with ‘love’ instead of sex?

S2: nah you really gotta start by losing the horns

DD: I already did all of those things at various points in my life. What am I missing?

BT: boss, Husband would like to remind you that you two are married, so you did, in fact, become the Elle to his Emmett

DD: oh right

S2:ASDKAFSJD;FKJSD

DD: take that, poser

SM: omg you invited this gal to your wedding you idiot

DD: oh right

BT: he got so wrapped up in the competition he forgot about reality for a second

SM: I am exhausted yet again.

SM: my aunt will not let me sleep

S2: bummer

S3: probably because you’re keeping her up and she’s just giving you your own back

SM: no

SM: worse

SM: she’s fussing.

S2: aw Spidey, she loves you

SM: she’s lighting candles over me and chanting. I do not recall this treatment from my youth in this house.

S2: ❤love❤

S4: wax is hot.

SM: And now? She’s brushing me with mint? What is this? a sacrifice?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): basting

SM: no wade

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): basting

SM: no cannibalism

DD: pagan

SM: watch your damn mouth, Bunny man

DD: it’s not about the bunnies.

DD: How many times do I have to say that easter isn’t about the bunnies?

SM: you celebrate J-man day, Aunt celebrates Fertility Bunny day. Get over it. There are plenty of eggs to go around.

BT: My mom’s remedy for sickness was always something herbal and foul and we had to drink ALL of it.

SM: don’t give her ideas, she wants me to bath in chamomile.

S2: that sounds actually kind of nice

SM: oh it’s not for the fever

SM: its because she’s convinced that I got sick because of bad energy.

S3: is she wrong tho??

SM: … S3 you’re dead to me

S3: oop

S2: lol

S4: Wait your aunt is a nurse, isn’t she?

SM: Yes.

BT: am confuse

S4: ^

SM: do y’all question your moms?

S4: god no

S2: do I look like I want to die?

S3: never successfully.

SM: that’s where I’m at.

S2: ah, gotcha.

S3: I mean, it can’t hurt you, so that’s good.

SM: she’s decided that the cure to COVID is spirulina someone HELP ME

S3: oh

S2: lol

S4: what’s that?

S2: algae. Turns things kinda blue-teal. You see it in a lot of health food smoothies and shit

BT: remind her that she is a nurse??

SM: I can’t. in this household there are only two modes of medicine and we have passed through the veil of no return into unconventional

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): eat the seaweed

DD: seaweed is good for you

D2: it is, actually! If you’re up to eating, it has lots of nutrients.

SM: someone banish Dave I’m suffering and he is encouraging it

S2: sorry dave you have to go. We can do this the easy way or the hard way

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): dave dropped off a dino grabber for you

S2: sorry spidey no can do, the man’s a saint

SM: UGH

SM: okay actually this is doable she put half a mango in this smoothie, crisis averted

S2: oh my gOD I’m OVER THIS how much LONGER???

S3: we’re on day, like, 6? 7? So like? 7 more hopefully?

S2: FUCKFUCKFUCK

SM: I think I’m almost over it?

S2: never speak to me again

S3: man.

S4: yay!!

BT: dude what is your healing factor?? Like 1.5x more than a normal human’s?

SM: estimated 3x – 6x.

BT: I’m sorry WHAT

SM: unclear. Stark has performed multiple tests. All were inconclusive. All reflected a different rate.

BT: h…how?

SM: idk man I just live with it.

BT: can I have some of that?

S2: ^

S3: ^

SM: don’t look at me, ask Bitsy.

S2: 👀

S4: uh oh

S3: please give

S4: I would but I don’t know how!!

S3: 😥

S4: I’m sorry!!

DD: I have a solution

SM: oh my god Red no. That doesn’t work.

DD: if you meditate

SM: that just keeps you from picking your stitches out. That’s literally all that does for you.

DD: things heal faster.

S3: I feel like Iron Fist told us something similar once

DD: don’t believe him, he speaks only cult trash and falsehoods.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): …Red we’ve talked about this.

S2: listen, I did yoga once before all this shit when down and all that did was hurt

S3: I did yoga once and learned that I can’t do yoga

S4: I like yoga.

S2: *sigh*

S2: S3, you are the only person in this group I can trust.

S3: we still have Dave.

S2: you know what? You’re right. We’ll always have Dave.

--

S2: Hey Spidey, can you type out Red’s voice messages? I’m trying to post the thing but it’s kinda obvious.

SM: np

S2:  thanks

S2: oh, also are we leaving our impromptu trial in?

SM: yeah why the hell not.

S2: and the bit about the boner?

SM: ain’t our jobs to regulate audience ages. Let ‘em have it.

S2: copy that 👍

---