shelter order

Little Spidey (Pink): hey y’all. Sorry for the couple of days without chats. Everyone in our group pretty much feels like ass right now. We’ll have something up for y’all pretty soon.

Spiderman 4.0: hello twitter! Our leader is locked in brave and glorious combat with Rona V. And so is Pink. And so is S3. But not to worry, your man Bitsy is still up and fighting. So for the time being, please take the Adventures of Bitsy, Blindspot, Bucky, and Captain America for your weekly entertainment.

Blindspot: Bitsy and I are holding down the fort this week as Spidey and LS and S4 recover. They’re doing okay, guys, thanks for asking. While I wish we could play you the audio of Spidey dueting with Wade in a harmonica and ukulele Facetime concert for the ages from this last week, I’m afraid the wheezing and coughing might be a little too close to home rn.

SM: I’m TIRED

S2: me TOO

S3: me THREE

S4: are we going in order?

SM: I’m taking a NAP

S2: me TOO

S3: me THREE

BT: okay bye guys

DD: Mail is here

S4: Bye DD!

BT: He’ll only be distracted for like half an hour, don’t worry.

BT: in the meantime what shall we do?

S4: beatbox

BT: oh okay. You start

S4: I have a confession to make

BT: is it that you can’t beatbox?

S4: yes

S4: sorry

BT: that’s okay I can’t either.

S4: oh! I know what I can do!

BT: alright go on

S4: nevermind, Dad said I can only go outside once a day so I’ve gotta use it wisely.

BT: pft. Dads. Who needs em?

S4: me. I am small and have no money.

BT: I mean, same. But do I need a dad for that? Nah.

S4: DD is your dad

BT: say it again

S4: no you’re scary

BT: 🙂

S4: maybe we should tell a story

BT: what kind of story?

S4: a cool one

BT: okay I’ll start. Once upon a time, in the Song Dynasty

S4: Idk what that is. Music land?

BT: …China. It’s old China.

S4: oooooh. Okay, go on. Sorry sorry

BT: no I’ve lost my groove.

S4: I’ll do it then. Once upon a time in Brooklyn

BT: There was a teeny tiny blonde guy 😊

S4: OH MY GOD

S4: BT you’re so smart, we’ll just replace the sick puppies with old ones.

BT: 😊?

S4: hold on.

JB: have entered chat, over.

CA: why are you talking like that?

JB: Mission in progress, over.

S4: Thanks guys you’re awesome.

JB: we know, over.

CA: I am so tired.

BT: what is over?

CA: who are you?

BT: me? No one. I’m invisible.

JB: That’s a negative, over.

CA: James Buchanan so help me god you will stop that bullshit. texting is not radio communication and this is not a mission.

JB: someone’s grumpy, over.

S4: lol

BT: Bitsy kick them out I am uncomfortable. I am not ready to be among the stars.

CA: who are you???

BT: I told you I’m no one

JB: Is this a Greek play?

CA: copy that.

JB: lol

BT: Bitsy. They think they’re funny. Help.

S4: they are funny. Watch.

S4: Cap can you tell us about the stock market crash?

CA: oh sure what do you want to know? I was 12

JB: I was not

CA: obviously you were not

JB: I was cool 😎

CA: is this going to go on all day?

JB: yes.

CA: great I hate it.

JB: I know 😎😎😎

CA: what do you want to know about the stock market crash?

S4: everything

JB: oh weren’t we poor

CA: bucky. We were poor before, after, and during the crash.

JB: church mice we were

CA: what are you talking about your family is half jewish

JB: CHURCH MICE.

CA: *Half synagogue mice

JB: They’re poor too, don’t discriminate steven.

CA: I’m not. I’m trying to bring the other half of your people into this equation for balance and equal representation.

JB: well you didn’t ask me now did you?

CA: I

CA: you know what? I didn’t. I’m sorry. Can there be half synagogue mice?

JB:May there be half synagogue mice?

CA: sorry Bitsy, I’ve gotta go hit myself with a ruler

JB: oh baby doll why didn’t you just say so?

CA: I’m telling Sam

JB: I take it back I’m sorry Bitsy you didn’t hear anything.

S4: What happened after being poor as church mice?

BT: I am…worried that these people are as chaotic as we usually are.

S4: just go with it. you’ll see.

JB: see what

S4: nothing don’t worry. Tell us about the Great Depression!

JB: oh I won’t have to, kid. You’re about to find out yourself.

CA: JAMES BUCHANAN

JB: ?????

JB: TRUTH?? I SPEAK ONLY TRUTHS

CA: I’m praying to your poor dead mother

JB: don’t tell her she’ll haunt me more

CA: good you deserve it

BT: you’re being haunted, Sarge?

JB: psh yeah.

CA: it is literally just his conscious

JB: I am haunted daily. If not by ma then by Mrs. R and if not by the two of them, then by this lug

CA: I ain’t dead

JB: not you. Baby Steve. ‘You’re fuckin’ ears’ll get cold’ steve. You know. The one that cared about me.

CA: don’t know him

JB: you lyin sack of shit

CA: I don’t know him

BT: Bitsy

S4: you just gotta steer em a little. It’s okay.

S4: Guys!! I’m trying to prepare for the worst!! Tell me about the GD!!

JB: oh right

CA: sorry sorry

CA: It was bad?

JB: was it? I dunno. we were kids. And poor. It was always bad all the time.

CA: yeah I mean bad is truly relative. All we ate were beans and cabbage.

JB: Steve we’re irish that’s all we ate anyways

CA: no, I’m irish. You’re the product of a sinful union

JB: for the love of Christ. Come on, man. Not here.

CA: your people colonized my people and I haven’t forgiven you yet

JB: okay so first of all, those were my Ma’s people and I know you ain’t talkin shit about my ma. They were oppressed in the old country

CA: um??? You know who else was oppressed and starving in the old country??

JB: Listen

CA: no YOU listen

BT: oh my god Bitsy they’re just as chaotic

S4: I know ❤

S4: Wait so JB you’re half Irish and half what?

CA: Oppressor

JB: English

S4: oh! Your ma?

JB: my ma yeah

S4: do you feel English?

JB: uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh

JB: no.

CA: colonizer

JB: Steve not here

JB: anyhow no. I feel American.

S4: nice

BT: nice

JB: although I can feel Russian

CA: please no

JB: 🙂

JB: do you not like my accent, Steven?

CA: I hate it

JB: 🙂🙃🙂🙃

JB: am now engaging Russian accent

JB: now I shall tell you of war children

CA: that’s just? A Yiddish accent? Also they can’t hear you?

JB: Foul child

CA: I’m a year younger than you

JB:foul

CA: okay, but that’s still Yiddish. Keep going, we’ll find Russian eventually.

JB: Is better?

CA: no

JB: excellent this one I keep

BT: I’m cryiNG

S4: okay maybe this question is too hard for y’all. Can you tell us about how you met Spidey maybe?

JB: yes

CA: that’s Yiddish bucky oh my god pick one

JB: THEY CROSS OVER SOMETIMES ASSHOLE

CA: They DON’T THAT MUCH TRY HARDER

CA: No but we met the spiderkid when Buck tried to put his lights out and it didn’t work

JB: spiderkid. More like cockroach kid, no?

CA: that’s much better, now was that so hard?

JB: yes. I have big brain made with swiss cheese.

BT: aa;ldsfkajsdfldfj;lj

BT: you mean

BT: you mean brain damage right?

JB: no I mean cheese

CA: you ever heard the phrase ‘got holes in my memory?’

BT: yes

CA: go with that and you’re good.

BT: [wheezing] okay

CA: yeah so spiderkid. Buck tried to deck him. He caught the punch. I don’t know what happened after that I was busy

JB: threw baby cockroach out glass window

JB: very satisfying.

BT: that’s terrifying

CA: well I mean we learned after the fact that he was like 4 years old

JB: Change tact. Drop baby cockroach out window. No throw. Unkind for babies.

BT:uh huh

S4: you don’t drop me anywhere and I’m a baby?

JB: got yelled at

CA: we don’t drop babies. Politics 101.

JB: fuck politics how else do they learn eh?

CA: you are channeling your grandfather right now and not only is it Yiddish again, it is terrifying please stop.

BT: is he like, reading out all his texts??

JB: have problems processing words

BT: oh sorry I didn’t realize

JB: is okay took many years to relearn how to write

JB: first words: fuck you

JB: beautiful

CA: yeah so beautiful scrawled across my door.

JB: ❤

JB: you kidnapped me

CA: *saved

JB: **kidnapped

CA: did you have any other questions Bitsy?

S4: I have so many.

S4: like what kind of things do you miss from old Brooklyn?

CA: oh the accents

JB: yes

CA: and maybe the horses

JB: no

BT: horses?

CA: Boatloads of horses. Big eyes. Soft noses. Miss horses

JB: fuck horses.

BT: not good for you, Sarge?

JB: no. Untrustworthy.

JB: Okay no, you’re right I sound like zayde and its scaring me I’m dropping the accent

CA: thank you

JB: anywho no fuck horses. Everybody had an uncle who’d been nailed in the gut by a horse. Those beasts are deadly

BT: I mean, yeah. But so are you?

CA: I need you to know that he’s just stopped dead and stared up to God in realization. Thanks for that. Other things I miss: bananas. Spinning tops. Actual snow.

JB: babe I can give you all them things

CA: I don’t want anything from you

JB: he’s hot, he’s cold, he’s yes, he’s no. Does he actually love me? Who actually knows.

CA: answer changes daily

S4: my mom and dad say the same thing. That means you’re in love.

JB: why don’t we have a kid? Everyone’s got apprentices and shit and we don’t got one. Steve. I want one. Provide for me.

CA: This transcript is posted online yes?

BT: yes

CA: then I shall reserve comment

BT: oh my god

S4: whyyyy

S4: its okay no one will judge you

CA: I see your doe eyes and they will not work small one.

DD: I am back. We got bandanas for the ladies.

BT: oh no shit? Which ones? The easter ones?

DD: yes

JB: oh shit stevie look another catholic for you

DD: am catholic yes. Easter is NOT cancelled in this house

CA: I missed…palm Sunday

JB: did you just realize this?

CA: I MISSED PALM SUNDAY.

JB: oh he just realized this. I was hoping to get us to Easter before he did.

CA: I AM A DISGRACE.

DD: word

DD: The pope says you can use shit in your house tho. You got any plants?

CA: yes

JB: you touch my children and you will die

CA: good thinking.

JB: you think I’m joking?

DD: why are these two here?

BT: replacing the fallen

DD: convenient.

DD: are we asking questions of the old ones?

S4: I’m learning. So far we’ve learned that Cap and Sarge met Spidey by punching him and then dropping him out a window.

S4: how did you meet them?

DD: ah.

DD: perhaps better not to say

BT: Teach. Now you have to say.

CA: wait

CA: Teach?

BT: you saw nothing

CA: Daredevil, this kid is yours?

BT: I belong only to myself

DD: Depends. Why do you ask?

JB: Gonna steal an apprentice

CA: no we’re not

JB: if this one belongs to you then they’re out of the running

CA: we’re not stealing an apprentice. We already have Sam.

JB: Bossy.

CA: because he makes you wear a shirt while cooking??

JB: I fought wars for this body

CA: lol imagine

S4: didn’t you fight wars for your body too, cap?

CA: no mine was an early birthday present

JB: A gift from Pegs to protect him from catching the TB while I was gone.

S4: oh right!

S4: Sarge did you and Director Carter get along back when you guys were young?

JB: define ‘get along’

BT: that’s a great start

S4: were friends?

JB: negative

S4: what, really??

JB: she stole?? My man??

BT: omg

S4: but she thought you were dead?

JB: well I wasn’t, was I??

S4: so you didn’t like her at all?

CA: That’s a complicated question, kiddo

JB: no it ain’t

JB: no

JB: we never jived.

JB: she was just my boss’s boss. My CO. I didn’t hate her or anything. We had drinks together and whatever. Obvs she was Steve’s gal, so I sucked it up and the like, as you do. But we never really had anything to like, talk about when we were just us together.

S4: why’d you suck it up then? Couldn’t you have told her that you didn’t like that she was flirting with your guy?

BT: oh bitsy

DD: the homophobia.

JB: that

JB: I wasn’t trying to get thrown out of the army, slugger. Don’t bite the hand that feeds you and all that. And anyways, I figured it would be better for everyone if Steve just went with Peggy.

CA: aw buck

JB: whatever

S4: that’s sad

JB: well they don’t call it the great depression for nothing 😀

CA: Buck

JB: yes

CA: I love you

JB: yes, but?

CA: but that’s not only bad, but it is ALSO historically inaccurate

JB: get off my case I’m bein funny

JB: let me process my trauma through humor

JB: sam says it’s a defense mechanism. That means I’m allowed.

BT: oh buddy

DD: JB. It’s the coping mechanism that you’re allowed.

JB: says who

DD: therapist. Defensive mechanism is sometimes allowed. But I am told using humor ‘trivializes the situation unnecessarily.’

JB: uh

JB: brb

DD: ?

CA: He’s going to verify with Sam

BT: ah

S4: I’m sorry you guys had a hard time in WWII Cap

BT: ^

CA: I mean? You have nothing to do with that?

S4: I’m still sorry. You and JB sound sad when you talk about the war

CA: well that’s because we are. And we’re also sad right now.

CA: All the masks and hand washing and full body suits remind me of my ma coming home from the TB ward

BT: oh shit that’s horrible

CA: yeah it’s not great. But it is what it is. It’s been nearly a hundred years since then. We have so many more things to keep us occupied and happy now. I mean, I was a baby through the Spanish flu, but I grew up bed ridden a lot and I would have killed to be able to facetime Buck. Or any of my friends.

CA: And you can just write stories now on your computer without needing pen and ink. And there are millions of books online. You can draw. You can play games. You can do all that with other people while being by yourself at the same time.

CA: It could be so much worse. We could all be so much more alone.

CA: it’s really kind of incredible that we can be so connected while still holding arms out as wide as they can go on each side

SM: aw cap

BT: !!

BT: he’s not dead!!

SM: I was gonna say I never forgave JB for sitting on me after I hit pavement when we met, but that’s such a beautiful sentiment I got nothing now

JB: Sam has said that defense and coping mechanisms are okay depending on circumstances. Is not one or the other

JB: and I haven’t forgiven you for being a bad seat so we’re even

SM: I’m dying be nice to me

JB: oh I can be zayde again. Would that comfort you?

SM: I

SM: yeah actually go on

JB: NICE

CA: Spidey we were having a moment

JB: Shush Steven, Zayde’s telling a fuckin story.

CA: don’t tell the one about the swan

JB: so one day there was this swan.

CA: good Christ, here we go.

BT: empty chat room is sad.

S4: I can call the old guys back if you want.

BT: how many swan stories does he have?

S4: I think he replaces all the bears in stories with swans.

BT: what does he want from swans?

S4: idk Cap says that there’s an irish story about swans and Sarge took it and has run with it ever since.

BT: wild

BT: I want to hear the zayde accent. What is a zayde?

S4: idk

BT: Spidey knows what it is

S4: I think he’s languishing again

BT: too bad

BT: DD, what’s a zayde?

DD: jewish grandpa

S4: OH

BT: OHHHH

BT: how do you know that?

DD: I am old and from NYC.

BT: I am one of those things.

S4: I’m one too!!

DD: ah, but you see, children, it is the other part is the more important one

BT: I could be old

S4: yeah me too

BT: I’ll be old right now watch

BT: oh my back

S4: oh my knee

BT: Jesus help me, my lung

S4: I can feel the rain coming in my shoulder

DD: hm

DD: I feel like you two are making fun of me

BT: us??? Teach, we’d never.

S4: ^^^

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): what are we talking about

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): did I just miss the capster and his dog?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): goddamnit

DD: Wade, do us a zayde impression

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I can’t

DD: you’ve failed me

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I’m sorry

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I’ll do you a moose

DD: no that’s fine actually

BT: we don’t need it wade

S4: yeah I already got nightmares

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): well, I’ll never.

--