lucky 7
SM: which one of you sent me the mug?
S4: 😊
SM: you
SM: I am keeping you.
SM: the rest of you are fired
S2: I’m on sick leave
SM: oh right
SM: When you’re back on duty, you’re fired.
S2: thanks man
S3: mug??
BT: how did you bring it in?
SM: how do you think I brought it in?
BT: dinosaur grabber
SM: wh
SM: what?
BT:[image]
S2: WAAAAAAAAADE
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): yes small human?
S2: I need one of those
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): oh okay
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I don’t got one
S2: damn
DD: what is it?
SM: dino head on a stick. Mouth opens and it grabs packages apparently.
S3: I don’t think it’s used for grabbing packages.
BT: grabs packages. Definitely does.
D2: oh my kid has like 4 of them. You want one?
S2: DAVE
S2: you are the only man in the world who matters.
S2: yes I want one
SM: don’t you have a brother?
S2: what are you, a cop? Mind your business.
SM: I could be a cop.
S4: spidey cop
S4: driving a spidey car
S4: wearing a spidey badge
SM: I
S3: sounds like batman
BT: no, no I live with batman. That doesn’t sound like batman.
DD: husband?
BT: no you
DD: I’m batman? No one told me. Adding it to the agony list
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): Red isn’t batman
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): not enough money
DD: I have money
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): how much
DD: 5 pennies
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): loan me one
DD: sure
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): here’s a dime
DD: I don’t got change for a dime. You’re gonna have to give me 5 more pennies
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I just gave you a dime
DD: yeah but I don’t got change. So I’m going to need more pennies.
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): oh shit
S2: Spidey. My soul is dying. Do something about them.
SM: so my mug
S4: it’s so cool!!
SM: I love it.
S4: I’m glad
S2: piccychures
SM:[image]
S2: WOAH
S3: Bitsy where did you get that? I need one immediately
BT: what
DD: ?
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): aw Red. You remember Lisa Frank?
DD: loved lisa frank
DD: was informed on multiple occasions as a child however that this was not gender appropriate
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): add it to the agony list
DD: yes yes adding it now
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): mug is lisa frank dolphins.
DD: this is my aesthetic
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): yeah same
S4: it says ‘blissfully succumb to the whirling blackness of eternal oblivion.’
BT: Lisa Frank didn’t say that
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): nah, hon. Plath
S2: eh?
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): Sylvia
S2: um?
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): the bell jar?? What the fuck do they teach y’all in schools these days?
DD: did not read
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): you ain’t missing that much I guess. It’s pretty whack
DD: I did read Great Expectations when I was 8
SM: I read the Magic School Bus books when I was 8
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I lost both my front teeth when I was 8
S2: oh my god
S2: baby wade. No teeth.
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): blood everywhere
S3: disgusting.
S3: we shouldn’t lose teeth
S3: we should just keep them
S2: in rows
S4: Spidersharks
SM: um? Not to be that guy but shouldn’t spiders have like, no teeth?
S2: get out
S3: that’s horrible
BT: y’all should drink your meals.
S2: I already do
S2: it’s called ‘soup’
DD: soup is the worst food
D2: ^
S2: Dave I trusted you
D2: soup is boring?
DD: all tastes the same.
S2: says a guy who eats lemons whole??
DD: everyone eats lemons
S2: WHOLE??
DD: everyone eats lemons whole
S2: FACT CHECK: Raise your hand right now if you eat lemons whole
DD: do not be shy this is normal behavior.
S2: anyone? Anyone?
S2: no. Didn’t think so.
S2: where is your god now red?
DD: oh did you not hear?
BT: teach you cannot still be mad about this
DD: he has a house
BT: Teach it is immoral to still be mad about this
DD: sorry you must not know about it because it’s still CLOSED
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): Red, the fucking pope is saying prayers on a live stream. Relax. If he can say prayers at home, then you can too.
DD: God can’t hear me in my living room I’ve tried
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): that’s ‘cause you keep asking him for shit he can’t give you
DD: like WHAT
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): a break
DD: how the fuck did you know I asked for that?
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): oh
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): you haven’t heard?
SM: guys, I need you to stop antagonizing each other for ten minutes. I am TRYING to talk about my mug here.
S4: it’s a very good mug
SM: it’s an excellent mug. Also my work is calling me again. Answer or no?
S2: is it Work-work or Work-work-work?
SM: Work-work. It is my understanding that Wade has handed the cat over into Avengers custody so that’s not on my plate anymore.
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): you’re damn right I have
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): fucking freeloader
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I got a thousand people trying to pry into my damn cat’s potential pregnancy now
S2: if she has half-alien babies, then what are you gonna do with them?
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): feed em to the rats
SM: ☹
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): no
SM: ☹ ☹ ☹
S4: I thought Red and Spidey were gonna divide em up?
DD: yes
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): no
DD: if they are aliens I am not allergic to them. I am only allergic to earth cats.
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): not true
SM: DD you’re allergic to what’s his face—StarGod or whatever.
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): who the hell’s that?
SM: Starface? Starknight? Star something. Idk the one with the steampunk face thing.
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): Moonknight?
SM: no, he don’t got a steampunk mask Wade I just said this
S2: Who’s moonknight?
SM: don’t ask
DD: don’t ask
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): a piece of fucking work
S4: are we gonna meet him?
SM: god I hope not
DD: cross your fingers you don’t
SM: he got confused once and thought Red was someone else out of the horns and chased him for miles through the city
DD: I should do the boston marathon.
SM: then he decided that he was me a few years back and shit got out of hand
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): yeah he tried? To flirt? With me?
S2: yikes
S3: oof
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): we don’t have that kind of relationship, do we, Webs?
SM: mortifying.
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): the headlines
SM: m o r t i f y i n g
SM: my friends were calling me for days
S2: why?
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): turns out that if you make friends with someone half your age, people automatically assume you’re grooming them
DD: that is not an unreasonable assumption
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): not all of us are the products of cults, Red darling
DD: you don’t know that
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): everyone please name the cult you joined as an adolescent
S2: One Direction
S3: marching band
S4: Acadec?
SM: marching band AND acadec
S2: god spidey you nerd
S2: what, did you also do robotics club?
SM: …yes
S2: GOD
S4: should I do robotics club?
SM: it was in college, though!
S2: SURE it was
SM: it was!!
S3: Robotics club isn’t a cult. Marching band is a cult.
SM: ^^
S2: Fine. What did you play, Spidey? S3 has a cool instrument. What nerd thing did you play?
S3: I’m cool?
S4: hella cool
S3: oh my god
SM: …French horn.
SM: or you know, mellophone for marching
S3: mm
S4: what’s that?
S2: hm
SM: they are beautiful instruments worthy of love and respect that are difficult to play thank you very much
S3: no shit?
S3: I wouldn’t have pegged you as a brass guy
SM: I know. I have mallet-people energy
D2: I played trumpet
S3: SHUNNED
SM: SHUNNNNNNNNEd
S4: I thought you were in a metal band, Dave?
D2: I was. But in highschool I played trumpet for a few years
S3: disgusting
SM: 😢
BT: what’s happening?
S2: idk people with musical talent are having feelings
DD: oh right.
DD: I think that there are stereotypes for people who play instruments.
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): no shit?
DD: an assumption. The closest I ever came to music was having to suffer through Sister Act 2 twice a semester.
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): what do you mean ‘suffer?’
BT: I like Sister Act
BT: Let’s watch Sister Act
DD: you do that, I’m going to go climb into the compost bin and wait until pick up day
BT: good. its where you belong
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): this kid seriously never learns
SM: no, apparently not
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): red’s gonna have a heart attack if they keep this shit up
S2: good
SM: teammate
S2: bad
SM: better
D2: Wade what happened to your cat?
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): we aren’t fucking talking about it, David
D2: right sorry
D2: ah. My kid asked me why you all call me Dave the other day.
S3: and you told her..?
D2: that Deadpool has a shitty sense of humor
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): excuse you?
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): this sense of humor pays my fucking bills
S2: I thought that murder paid your bills
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I’m a show package, honey. Top to bottom. That’s why I’m so expensive.
S4: but why ARE you so expensive, Wade? Like, for real?
SM: his insurance policy is through the roof
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): papa’s gotta protect his assets.
S3: I hate myself for asking this
S3: but what are your assets?
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): guess
S3: I don’t want to
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): guessssss
S3: Spidey, help
SM: no man can help you now
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): guess
S3: oh my god
S3: fine
S3: is it ‘this ass and tits?’
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): THIS ASS AND THESE TITTIES BOY
S3: there he goes
S4: wowie
S2: Wade your tits aren’t even that big. Captain America was just here and his tits are bigger than yours and mine combined
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): do you want to die 😍
S2: well it’s either you or COVID so?
SM: TEAMmates y’all
S2: okay okay sorry. Wade your tits are huge
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): and?
S2: expensive
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): and??
S2: classy as fuck
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): thank you. all is forgiven.
SM: I am suddenly exhausted. Me and my mug are going to take a nap.
BT: we’re watching Sister Act 😊
S4: fun!
BT: so fun ❤
DD: someone please end it all for me now
BT: bonding time 💕
DD: I am having flashbacks to being choked with a tie in school bathroom
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): sorry, what?
DD: we had uniforms
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): and picture day. Right?
DD: you will find evidence over my dead body
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I will find evidence in the bosom of your mother
DD: oh
DD: nevermind
DD: good luck
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): she loves me
DD: she is ambivalent towards you from afar
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): for your family? That is love in its most concentrated form.
BT: my favorite part of Sister Act II is the singing.
DD: I never say this
DD: but I am in desperate need of a hero.
S2: To the rescue!
DD: a non-COVID infected hero.
S2: Back to the couch!
S3: sorry DD. In quarantine.
S4: I’ll save you! So long as your state is still accepting interstate travel? I think I need to self isolate for like 14 days when I get there. Is that cool?
DD: I’m calling Hawkeye. You’re all dead to me.
S2: ew you just want to flirt with him
S4: hey is Spidey okay?
S2: ? Probably taking a nap
S2: you know how he is. Coldblooded. Needs sun to recharge.
S4: weird. His bestie just texted me to ask if I could call him?
S3: …
S2: …
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): …welp
BT: heyyyyy Spidey. Anytime you want to answer your damn phone would be great ❤❤❤❤
BT: Everyone is kind of freaking out
SM: sry
BT: oh thank god there you are
SM: ca;t txt vy well
BT: …
BT: can’t text very well?
SM: ys
BT: why?
SM: dnno? Fuzzy
BT: can you breathe?
SM: ? mbe
BT: …
BT: okay you stay right there and be pretty okay? I will be right back.
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I’m a fucking angel.
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): someone call me a fucking angel
S2: you’re an angel
S3: you’re an angel
BT: You’re an Angel thank you for keeping our friend and companion from asphyxiating on his kitchen floor
SM: IM SORRY WADE
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): don’t you fucking move
SM: IM NOT. AUNT IS YELLING AT ME IM STILL SORRY
DD: stop shouting. scared the shit out of us, kid
SM: I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry
S2: Spidey you could have fucking died that’s not cool. There’s no way to take you to a hospital like this.
SM: I know I’m really sorry I should have seen it coming
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): Christ
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): well now you’ve been triply exposed to the Rona V.
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): at least your aunt has already had it
S2: yeah at least y’all are isolating together now
SM: she’s so mad I didn’t even do anything
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): who’s looking into your apartment?
SM: JBB told me he’d ‘secure the perimeter’
DD: well that is something. Nothing is getting past him.
S3: what was it exactly?
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): cannister. Place was full of gas by the time I got there.
S2: okay listen. Attempted murder isn’t allowed during a pandemic
S2: the planet is already trying to kill us
SM: I’m okay though!!
SM: but also my security deposit 😰
S3: you and that security deposit
SM: I was doing so well
BT: I don’t think they can take money out of your security deposit for a murder attempt
DD: cannot. You are not at fault.
S3: Can confirm. Security deposit is fine.
SM: my landlord is a piece of shit tho
DD: word
S3: amen to that
S2: my fam’s landlord is actually pretty decent but she’s like, our neighbor
SM: 😥😥😥
S3: it’s gonna be okay Spidey. Focus on spending quality pandemic time with your aunt. Also, welcome to the COVID club. You’ve pretty much got it now.
SM: sighhhhhhh
BT: Spidey
SM: don’t talk to me I’m in COVID land
BT: you can’t give it to me through the phone
SM: UGH
S2: Isn’t it great, Spidey? Can’t you feel it?
SM: girl if you think some bum lungs are gonna stop me from staggering my ass over to Wade’s place you got another thing comin’
DD: ah
DD: no leaving.
SM: UGH
SM: I KNOW already
DD: I have contacted someone to deliver food for you
SM: is it hawkeye? It’s hawkeye isn’t it
DD: yes
SM: Double D he’s gonna want to chat and then we’re gonna get him sick and its gonna be a whole fucking thing
DD: not to worry, he caught it in the first week it was here.
S3: lol classic hawkeye
SM: yikes. Is he okay?
DD: is okay. Bored now. 2 weeks in recovery. Requires stimulation. Is running errands for others.
SM: oh
SM: I guess that’s okay then?
DD: He will cheer you up.
SM: I doubt that but thanks?
SM: DD!!
DD: yes?
SM: you’re my favorite superhero and I’m sorry I doubted you.
DD: Oh I do love a groveling
DD: I’m glad your delivery found you safe and sound.
S2: ?
S4: hello
S4: sleeby
S3: nap?
S4: it’s evening?
SM: puppy
S3: puppy??
S4:puppy.
S3: it doesn’t take much for you, does it, bitsy?
S2: Yo he brought Lucky??? No fair, Bella won’t even look at me.
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): drooling animal.
SM: such a good boy. He’s getting a bath tonight. So we got to love on him.
BT: their Majesties do not appreciate our peasant bathing facilities. They are spoiled and used to their groomer.
DD: As they should be
BT: you treat them better than you treat me.
DD: aw would you like to lodge a complaint?
BT: yes
DD: excellent there is a complaint box in the kitchen
BT: is the blue one with the triangle on it?
DD: now you’re starting to get the hang of this
BT: I’m telling Life Partner 2 you’re being a dick
DD: Please do
BT: I’ll be back.
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): Red, that’s your apprentice man. Maybe chill out a little?
DD: absolutely not.
DD: the key to successful apprentice is to crush their will
S2: this is more cult stuff
S3: correct!
DD: not cult stuff. I was only marginally attached to a cult
S4: what does that mean?
S4: like did you only go on the weekends or something?
BT: …
SM: oh hey Blindspot. Why the long pause?
DD: Was she helpful?
BT: …no.
DD: ah. Too bad for you.
BT: I’m gonna put tacks in your shoes
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): atta boy
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): strike while the iron’s hot
BT: is that permission for indoor soldering?
DD: no
BT: sounds like permission
DD: it is not.
BT: Sorry I’ve got stuff happening suddenly in my room. Ttyl
DD: Wade.
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): No can do, Red. It’s karma.
HK: hey hey hey
S2: Hawkguy!
S3: hello!
S4: Hi!!
HK: sup yall? Where is your leader?
S4: which one? I think the old guys are all busy rn
HK: bummer.
S4: Hey can we see your dog please?
HK: The Luckster? Sure thing lemme find one of his glamor shots
S4:yes.
S3: Bitsy, you should talk to your parents about this animal obsession.
S2: he’s deprived, it’s not his fault.
HK: [image] [image] [image] [image]
S4:yes.
S4: thank you!!
HK: no problem.
HK: hey, can y’all tell the Spiderkid that we have located his assailant and it wasn’t the guy he said it probably was? It’s some guy calling himself Rhino?
SM: MOTHERFUCKER
HK: oh that works too
SM: That bastard. I’m finding his house and coughing on his counter.
HK: oh chemical warfare. Nice. Inhumane. Probably against Geneva Convention.
SM: when did you find out?
HK: when JB tackled him in the street
SM: did he fall?
HK: yes?
SM: did he fall hard?
HK: I mean, with the arm, JB weighs about 240lbs, so yeah. He went down hard.
SM: good
SM: motherfucker
HK: lol. Kid your fury will never not be funny. Anyways, the good news is that the coast is clear. The bad news is that your landlord is saying that its your responsibility to replace the window.
SM: I knew this would happen
HK: I mean, if you want it replaced, I can do it for you?
S3: that’s a no. It’s the landlord’s responsibility to replace it. If Spidey didn’t break it, he’s not liable.
DD: agreed. But your landlord will probably try to pin it on you anyways.
DD: get a document from the police saying you didn’t break it and email a scanned copy of it.
DD: CC lawyer if nec.
SM: thanks guys 😞
S3: Let us know how it goooooes
S2: S3’s ready to fight a bitch
S3: I’m very good at paperwork and tenants’ rights!!
HK: Oh nice
SM: wait aren’t you a landlord, Clint?
HK: lol yeah
DD: unfortunate
S3: yikes
S3: awkward
S3: I mean for you. Not us.
HK: nah my tenants are great
DD: I thought one dyed your carpets the other week?
HK: I mean lets be honest they look way better in red
S2: wh
S2: what color were they before?
HK: fuck if I know
SM: optimal landlord
DD: you stopping rent Clint?
HK: what? Duh? I exposed all those poor saps to my Coronavirused ass. They deserve hazard pay.
S2: possible contender for best avenger?
HK: hell no. Do NOT saddle me with that bullshit
HK: best avenger is Nat. Obviously.
DD: so she’s reading these things is she?
HK: can neither confirm nor deny, champ. You know how it is.
DD: Natasha if you’re reading this no I have not forgotten about the sweater and yes I still want it back
HK: which sweater?
DD: cashmere
HK: good luck man
DD: I liked it
S2: pft DD likes cashmere. Bougie as fuck
DD: fight me
S2: come here and I will.
DD: gladly
SM: how many damn times do I have to say that we’re all on the same team?
S3: give it up spidey, they’re never going to love each other.
S2: I could take you with one hand old man
DD: oh could you now?
S2: yeah, all I got to do is stick your giant blockhead in between some bannister railings and I’m golden
DD: My what
S2: you heard me
DD: I’ll have you know that many people find this blockhead attractive
S2: and who among them has got so much as a lick of taste, huh?
DD: !
S2: hmmmm?
DD: all of them?
S2: aw, did your mom tell you that?
DD: !!
DD: you
DD: are
DD: so
DD: unspeakably
DD: rude?
BT: lol yeah but honest.
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): literally that boy never learns. Shit’s impressive. Someone needs to separate them, though, or they’re both gonna die
HK: nah a lil fightin is healthy
SM: how much is a little?
HK: I mean potato potato
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): Barton.
HK: yeah man?
DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): nothing. Please continue.
HK: lol
S3: potato potato?
S4: I think he means po-tay-to po-tah-to?
S3: no one in the known universe says po-tah-to.
HK: no I meant the first one. Like potatoes and oranges.
SM: RED. Come back. Your friend is weird.
SM: RED.
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