shelter order

SM: gooooooooood morning, New York

DD: It is 4am

SM: did I say San Fran?

DD: don’t call it that

SM: oh, you got Cali resident opinions now, tough guy?

DD: you sound like a tourist. It is the city. Call it the city.

SM: no

SM: no you know better than this

SM: THIS is the city

SM: the Big A

SM: the City so nice they named it twice

SM: Center of the Universe

SM: Greatest city in the world

DD: yeah yeah whatever

SM: you’ve betrayed your people Double D

DD: this again

SM: betrayed us. Left us for dead. Left us to stew in our own liquids in the gutter

DD: I got a lung condition

SM: okay fair

DD: and a head condition

SM: fair fair

DD: and according to Husband an ego the size of mars

S2: I AM DYING

SM: There she is!! lady liberty herself! Still standing. Still shining. Gracing our lives with honor and glory.

S2: I just want to SLEEP. I can’t stop coughing. Everything HURTS.

SM: I’m sorry hon anything I can do?

S2: Don’t! Call! Me! Hon!

SM: noted babe

S2: WADE

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I am literally in the kitchen

S2: Tell Spidey to stop oppressing me

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): Is there a reason for the texting? I am 3 feet away. I am so confused

DD: she needs documented proof of a cease and desist order

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): ahhhhhhhhhh

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): okay. Spidey stop being a chauvinist pig

SM: Excuse me???

S2: Yeah Spidey. Stop being a pig

SM: these are terms of affection???

S2: I don’t want your affection. I want revenge

S3: word. Guess who’s got COVID

SM: NO

S4: NOOO

S2: eeeeeeeey

S3: my fucking sister, man. Am now in quarantine. I LOVE quarantine. I’m so happy to be in quarantine.

SM: it’s not so bad.

S3: says the guy building a titration machine in his kitchen sink

SM: I have been informed that my attempts at boxes are “interesting”

S3: is that a no then?

SM: I feel patronized

S2: its cause youre a pig

SM: listen I am trying to convey to you my love through text. If you don’t want it, just say so and I’ll expend my energies elsewhere.

S2: aww did your gf block you on messenger again?

SM: SHUT UP I HAVE SO MUCH LOVE TO GIVE

S3: Spidey. You need. To take. The meds. You are insufferable without the meds.

SM: SHUT UP SHUT UP I KNOW

DD: oh nice, we’re not taking meds now?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): No

S2: no

S3: no, you def are

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): go on, red. Show us proof. Tongue out

DD: It is 4am. Hell no. I am not due for medication for another 4 hours. I am free to be unstable.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): yes because hubbie-wubbie has trapped you, hasn’t he?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): awwww. So docile. So domestic. I bet you’d love a cuddle don’t you, Reddy-poo?

DD: Come cuddle me, darlin

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): ooooh. Don’t mind if I do

DD: mmm please do. I can’t wait any longer

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): how could I ever resist you

DD: ravish me

SM: STOP

S2: I feel sick

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): The things Imma do to you honey

DD: tell me more daddy

S3: OH MY GOD PLEASE

SM: Can we not? Can we please not?? This is why I have to take the meds to begin with

BT: screenshotted. Submitted to Husband as evidence. Go to sleep, it’s 4am.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): hm. An interloper

DD: ignore him he means nothing

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): you didn’t tell me you had kids

DD: does it turn you on?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): hell yeah

SM: GUYS

S2: Dear God, its me, Little Spidey. I know I told my coworker to go drown in acid the other day, which is probably why you gave me the plague, but if you’re listening what I could really super use right now is some divine intervention before DD calls Wade daddy again. Thanks, I love you, Amen.

S3: Amen

S4: is this another NC-17 convo? Am I allowed to scroll up?

S2: no you need to check a consent box

S3: Here I made one [image]

S4: My mom told me lying on the internet is lying to her indirectly.

S2: asdafdjsfl;sakj

S3: your mom is smarter than all of us put together

SM: there has been a knock at the door!! This is a promise of stimulation. See ya, jerks.

BT: it is now morning

DD: it is state-sanctioned dog walking time!

BT: I’m going for my single daily state-sanctioned walk after you and Husband have handled the beasties.

S2: can I come?

BT: no sorry. No plague victims allowed.

S2: 😢

BT: its okay, you have the big guy to entertain you.

S2: he’s playing harmonica

S3: wha??

S2: yes

BT: is he…good at harmonica?

S2: three guesses

BT: yes

S3: no

S4: Somewhat!

SM: oh are we talking about Wade’s hidden talents? He can play drums too

S3: WHAT

BT: Nailed it

SM: ask him to play drums for you, girl.

S2: I am now doing that.

BT: Does Teach have any secret talents?

SM: yeah, he can’t sing for shit.

BT: I already knew that. Husband sings to him and the dogs. The dogs flee when he tries to sing back.

S4: amazing

D2: aw, sad. It’s the thought that counts tho. I used to be in a metal band

SM: DAVID

S2: DAVE

S3: Dave, what?

S4: that’s so cool. What did you play?

D2: the scream

DD: I knew I recognized your name!

D2: oh no

D2: sorry I have childcare to perform now

DD: Get back here Husband was obsessed with your bassist for all of grad school. I have suffered and so shall you.

D2: I’m afraid I smashed my head. Don’t remember any thing for the last 17 years. Sorry sorry

S2: oh my god Dave you can sing??

S3: **scream

D2: ^

S2: Do you scream softly to the Dave-child when she has a nightmare?

BT: that is the cutest thing I’ve ever heard.

D2: I

D2: are you asking if I sang metal to my baby?

DD: yes

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): oh hey David you were in a metal band? Which one?

D2: none

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): If you were bringing down the walls between ’99 and 2018, I probably got a poster for you. Ran outta wall space since then unfortunately.

D2: That is mortifying.

DD: text me, Wade. I know which one.

DD: if I am remembering properly, someone had some fucking hair.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): oooooh.

D2: oh my god please don’t.

S2: spidey I need your degree and skillset. I am too weak to do this research on my own.

SM: I’m on it rn girl, don’t you even trip

SM: dave I’m going to find a picture of you if it kills me

D2: die then?

S2: ADFASDFJSDFASOFK

S4: Dave I’m so proud of you

D2: 😀

DD: David I have verified that you said hello to my husband at a concert 20 years ago

DD: I’m sorry but we are now mortal enemies.

BT: Dave, Husband also says that its fate that has brought you two back together and he’s sorry that your bassist lost all his teeth to meth.

D2: its okay, it happens. He’s in a program now and his kid’s re-owned him.

S2: you know every time I think the Bronx is reaching the next level on the bullshit scale, Hell’s Kitchen comes out of left field and goes for home.

D2: not everyone in HK is like that.

DD: yeah what the fuck. he made up with his estranged kid?

DD: privileged bastard

D2: ‘lucky’

DD: ‘privileged’

DD: HK is gentrifying faster than you can say go.

D2: that’s definitely true

DD: Which reminds me. Wade I have $20 and need a favor

SM: Red you can’t start a cross-country feud with Midnight Fog.

DD: I can and I will

DD: Rosita’s was better

D2: Rosita’s was eons better. Midnight’s coffee always tastes burnt.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): oh are we talking about Rosita’s?

S2: what the hell. was this place legendary?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): p much

SM: Rosita never asked any questions. If you came in in a suit she’d give you 15% off like you’d brought your own cup.

S3: petition to restart Rosita’s.

S4: yes.

BT: Boss has made friends with Fields & Co. here.

DD: They are pretty good.

BT: he likes them because they give him bagels.

DD: I am easily bribed.

SM: what the fuck? No one gives ME bagels.

DD: That’s because they know you put capers on them.

SM: that’s how bagels are supposed to be eaten, DD.

DD: is having salted fish not enough for you?

SM: says the guy who eats raw onions.

DD: they provide texture. What do capers provide? Nothing. Only more salt.

BT: I like capers tho?

DD: disowned.

BT: wow so that’s all it took huh?

SM: its okay BT, you can join my crew where we are open to multiple toppings on bagels.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I like rainbow bagels.

S2: OUT

S4: nooooooooooo

S3: Wade how could you?

D2: 😰

S2: I cannot stay here

D2: but…why?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): colorful

S3: not an excuse

S4: they don’t taste like anything

SM: an affront to nature

DD: everything bagel or bust

S2: or blueberry

DD: Blueberry or everything bagel or bust

SM: wade, you’ve been here for almost 20 years. Please assimilate already

BT: please

S2: pls

S4: ^^

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I like donuts with sprinkles too

SM: HEATHEN

DD: Wade why

D2: I’m going to cry?

S3: are you too good for a maple bar?? Are old-fashions beneath you??

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): Love em when they put em on straw in smoothies and shit

S2: spidey save me

SM: you can’t actually eat that shit, wade. It’s Instagram stuff. You’re just supposed to look. Its all actually wax.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): can confirm: is not.

DD: disgusting.

D2: oh hey, turn on the news folks.

SM: Cap has never looked so unhappy.

S4: I just texted him that it’s going to be okay. Hey, does this mean that we get a camera too?

SM: hell no. I’m not doing no fucking vlogs for the public. I’m already spewing my guts out through these chats.

S4: ooh. Well before they do it, tell us superhero gossip, wise ones.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): real or fake?

S2: wade why would we want fake gossip?

DD: I started a rumor once that the Widow and Hawkeye got married in Vegas.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): HA. I remember that.

SM: how did you not die?

DD: great question. I have no answer.

S2: wait, so they didn’t get married?

DD: they might have

S2: but you don’t know?

DD: I might know

S3: oh my god this is how it starts.

SM: Someone started a rumor that I was Ironman’s illegitimate child like ten years back.

S2: yeah, but you are?

SM: am not

S4: you aren’t?

SM: am not. Sorry to disappoint. Turns out the world does not actually revolve around Tony Stark.

S2:  oh my god

S3: shots fired

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): you look nothing like him. You require more skeeze.

S3: that’s true, spidey. You do look kinda wholesome.

SM: um?? I think you meant handsome.

S3: no I didn’t

S2: he didn’t

S4: nice!

S4: much nicer than I expected!

SM: wh

SM: what is that supposed to mean?

S4: oh. I just thought you’d be all tall dark and handsome, you know?

S2: same

S3: ^

SM: I am?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): pft

SM: Shut up. I am

D2: you are very handsome.

SM: thank you dave. Me and Dave are now a 2 man team. The rest of youse can go fuck yourselves.

BT: I thought you’d be like, proportional. Idk why

SM: I AM PROPORTIONAL.

S2: bottom heavy

SM: say it again

S2: …

SM: don’t try me child

S2: …

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): lil heart-shaped face ❤

SM: you’re not helping sir

S2: …

S3: you do kinda got some cheek going on man. It’s not a bad thing. Just makes you kinda soft.

SM: how

SM: DD how do I make the cheek go away?

DD: patience

SM: I don’t got that, I’ve got 10 years to live left max

DD: oh okay.

DD: no more capers.

SM: idk what I expected from you

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): it’s not fat hon that’s how your face is shaped. Accept it. Move on.

SM: I want…a chin.

S2: you have a chin.

SM: I want more chin. A double chin. Like Red.

S3: okay? Get fillers.

SM: on my chin??

S3: sure, why not?

SM: Red do you have fillers?

DD: no I have been informed that I have square-face genes.

SM: can you share them?

DD: I would, but the source is long dead and the thought of having a real life sibling is physically paralyzing.

BT: I want more chin and less jaw.

S3: noooooo

SM: no BT, you’re adorable. You have to stay that way.

BT: why

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): cancels out red

DD: I need no cancelling I too am adorable

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): yes, and one day I will figure out how you have convinced every woman in the state of this, but for now, it is too dangerous. You need a scar. Here, I’ll do you one for free.

BT: I don’t want to be adorable. I want to be feared.

DD: I fear you

BT: aw, teach thanks

S3: you’re very scary, BT, don’t worry.

S4: he is?

S2: bitsy

S4: oh right.

S4: no, you def are

BT: 🙃

BT: I am insulted. I am going to go for my single, daily state-sanctioned walk and cleanse myself of all your shit vibes.

DD: take the princess

BT: make me

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): that kid never learns

SM: I mean, same.

S2: hey I’m tired

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I shall sing you to sleep

S2: please don’t

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I know half of a beatles song I’m prepared

SM: he’s going to sing you Pink Floyd

S2: I don’t need serenading. I need a drink.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): on it

S3: aw. Wade’s a good carer.

SM: yeah

S3: has your girl unblocked you yet?

SM: yeah. I had to take the meds in front of her on video chat.

S3: your girl’s a good carer too

SM: ehn

SM: my friend in Wakanda just texted and told me that she’s being sent out to help work on vaccine research in China.

S3: oh shit. That’s hella cool. Which friend?

SM: classified.

S3: right

S3: did you date this friend?

SM: negative

S3: did you want to date this friend?

SM: information unknown

S4: what does that mean?

SM: confused. Did not act on confused feelings.

S4: ooooooooh

S4: Hey I have confused feelings.

SM: OH?

S3: !!

S2: I am back. Tell me everything.

S4: It’s math

S3: ☹

S2: goddamnit. I’m going back to being miserable.

S2: in new news I can’t taste or smell anything. Have chugged half an orange Gatorade. This is proof.

SM: oh god

S4: spidey help me do math

SM: what?

SM: do I look like your teacher? No. Go ask your teacher.

S4: She’s helping everyone else tho

SM: I got news for you, kid: you’re everyone else too.

S4: I don’t want to be everyone else. I want to be spiderman.

SM: I got more news for you

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I will help with math

DD: NO. I have learned math recently. I will do it.

BT: do not trust him. He is lying to you.

S4: BT! Help me do math! You’re so good at math!

BT: …me?

S4: yeah! Who else would I be talking to?

BT: praise scares me. What kind of math?

S4: Calculus

S3: I’m out

SM: oh that’s fine then. Ask me anything about calculus.

S4: when will I ever use this in my life ever?

SM: um? Often? If you live my type of existence?

BT: you use calculus all the time friend! You’re just doing it in the context of physics!

S3: aw. BT’s got a good way of explaining it. Big Brother Energy.

SM: what’s that

D2: sorry, how in god’s name are you taking calculus right now, bitsy?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): yeah, what the fuck is calculus, amiright?

DD: numbers. Arrows.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): oh no shit?

DD: yes

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): what do they do?

DD: graphs

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): what do those do?

DD: something.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): hm. Yes.

D2: What are the graphs for?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): the arrows, David. Keep up. Jesus.

S4: why do I have to do this if none of these guys know how to do it?

SM: Bitsy, you are looking at 2 social science majors and a military grunt. They are not your examples.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I wasn’t even a good military grunt 😊

DD: yes you were?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): shut UP red.

DD: oh sorry

D2: I didn’t do social science? I did exercise science?

S4: what’s that?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): degrees for jocks

D2: pretty much

S4: you didn’t go in for music?

D2: oh no. This is post-band days. I had a kid who needed raising. I needed a practical degree.

S4: that’s super sad dave

D2: ??

DD: its not like that kiddo.

DD: some of us just need jobs more than we need school

S4: right sorry I get that

BT: call me I will help with the homework.

CA: hello is this the web?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): Well hello there, soldier

CA: oh wow. That’s you alright.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): did you drop by for a little snack, by chance?

CA: no I just needed to talk to Spidey. Remembered you all sent me a link for a job a while back and the small, bendy one is not answering his phone.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): which small bendy one? That’s half the team.

CA: The first one?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): oh. I reminded him Bill Nye has another series on Netflix and he’s been silent for hours. You need something?

CA: yes

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): well go ahead and ask then, sugar. I’ve got you covered.

CA: Please don’t call me that

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): is ‘baby’ better?

CA: no

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): how about ‘dollface?’ Your attack dog calls you that, doesn’t he?

CA: Wade can you just ask Spidey if he knows where the navy jumpdrive from AY7004 went?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): is that a code?

CA: Mission number?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): did you…lose it? This jumpdrive?

CA: yes?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): you sure?

CA: I

CA: was?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): oh I see. Well. Just asking, you know. You know how the kids are: judgmental and all that.

CA: right

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): so

CA: wade I just need the answer to that one question

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): what’re you doing this fine day in the Big Apple, huh?

CA: nothing? I’m at home? Are you out?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): that’s a negative.

CA: oh good.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): have an invalid on my couch.

CA: that’s less good. Are they okay?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): small but sturdy. They will live.

CA: do you want something, Wade?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): yes

CA: is it a date?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): it is

CA: I think we’ve had this conversation a few times.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): we have

CA: so I’m afraid its still a no.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): too bad

CA: sure. So. Can you?? Ask the Spiderkid? Please?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): hm

DD: who is ‘CA?’

CA: oh thank god. Hi Daredevil. It’s me, Cap.

DD: which cap

CA: Rogers Cap

DD: oh, hello. Did you need something?

CA: yes, actually.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): a date

CA: a jumpdrive’s backup’s location

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): with me

CA: Spidey was the one who filed it.

DD: right let me try to call him. He and BT are streaming Bill Nye

CA: BT?

CA: who’s BT?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): 😊 wouldn’t you like to know? 😊

CA: is that a threat?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): maybe 🙃🙂🙃🙂

CA: I will look into this.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): Or I could just tell you.

CA: I’m really not looking for another partner, Wade. I’m sorry.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): for sure.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): how about

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): maybe

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): a replacement for one of them then?

CA: I can’t just swap Wilsons, Wade. That’s not how this works.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): just close your eyes

CA: right, Daredevil, any time now would be great

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): lie back and think of England

CA: why would I think of England?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): idk. No one lays back and thinks of New York.

CA: I? Do?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): oh dear

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): well, that’s fine. Minor drawback. I can work with that.

S2: wade you are NOT harassing captain America right now. That is NOT what I just woke up to you doing, is it? Because you are setting a good example for Bitsy, aren’t you?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): …I must away.

S2: uh huh. That’s what I thought. Begone thot

CA: thot?

S2: !!

S4: oh hey cap! What’s up?

CA: what is ‘thot?’

S4: !!

SM: what the fuck is going on here

CA: oh, hello! There you are!

SM: Bitsy. Little Spidey. The LAST thing he needs is slang. Get the fuck out.

CA: wow that’s a tone to take with your team, isn’t it? They’re okay. I’m learning.

SM: what happened to AY7004?

CA: ah yes.

SM: nvm don’t tell me

CA: but you asked?

SM: I know and I regretted it immediately

CA: okay so it was

SM: DON’T tell me

CA: ?? So you don’t want to know?

SM: no. I don’t. What do you need?

CA: Jumpdrive back up from that. Navy blue. 64gb.

SM: in the evidence box. Submitted to lawyers on Feb 21. Why?

CA: oh because

SM: nvm I don’t want to know

CA: I am receiving mixed messages.

SM: fuck me. Alright go on. What happened to it? Just rip off the bandaid.

CA: eaten.

SM: I’m

SM:no

CA: unfortunately yes. Very sorry about that.

SM: by what?

CA: unclear. Appears to be an alien cat. White and black. JB is tracking it. Very inconvenient since we can’t spend much time in the street at the moment.

SM: …do you have a picture?

CA: oh! I sure do.

DD: cat?

CA: here you go [image] [image]

SM: oh god

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): MOTHERFUCKER ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

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