shelter order

DD: hello.

S2: hey hey what’s up in Cali for self isolation, day 3?

DD: nothing

S3: That’s no fun

DD: There is no justice to be found in this house

S3: ah.

S2: run out of things to fight?

DD: Unfortunately. Husband refuses to rise to the bait.

DD: he is stubborn.

S2: lol sorry you can’t ruin your marriage DD.

S3: yeah, man. Sorry

BT: don’t encourage him he’s def trying anyways

DD: I require more stimulation. I’m going to the backyard to languish. Good bye.

S2: BT take pictures.

S3: ^

SM: Hello.

S4: hey spidey! What’s up? You doing okay?

SM: I have been contacted by my place of work.

S2: oh shit. It’s okay, man. You can apply for unemployment.

S3: I can help!!

SM: I

SM: I haven’t been fired????

S3: oh

S2: oh

S4: yay?

SM: Guys, I’ve told you multiple times that I am somewhat indispensable for my dept??? Have a little faith please???

S2: in who

SM: ME

S2: nah

SM: what the fuck have I done to you?

S2: Bitsy, read the man the receipts

S4: what receipts

S2: Goddamnit

S2: I was trying to be cool like DD the other day and you ruined it

SM: whatever. ask me why my work contacted me

S3: why did your work contact you?

SM: S3, have I told you lately that I would die for you?

S3: yes

SM: right

SM: So I have been given a box of supplies and with these I am to develop a rapid test.

S2: WHAT

S3: Wow!

S4: that’s so cool!!

S2: but I thought you did mechanics?

SM: you are correct!!

S3: wait. Then why did they assign this to you?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): Webs double majored

SM: I double majored!!

S2: dude, when did you sleep in undergrad?

SM: I didn’t

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): can confirm

S2: shouldn’t your gf be on this? Isn’t she a biologist?

SM: yes.

S3: and?

SM: She is indisposed.

S2: OH NO. Spidey I’m so sorry!!

S3: shit, man

S4: ☹

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): is that why they trapped you in the house box?

SM: ☹ ☹ ☹

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): aw kid, that sucks

SM: She’s okay, she’s got a mild case thank god.

S2: damn. Okay what about the other best friend

SM: ☹ ☹ ☹

S2: SPIDEY

SM: I KNOW

S2: THAT SUCKS SUCH ASS

SM: Tell me about it.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): what about your aunt?

SM: What the fuck do you think, man? She’s a nurse.

S3: Christ. I mean, Is she alright?

SM: mostly. Aunt is on day 10, light of my life #1 is on day 3, light of my life #2 is on day 7. We are getting through it. Aunt has been sending me pictures of the balcony flowers since yesterday, so I think she’s in good spirits. LML #1 is rating takeout boxes online.

S4: Rating take-out boxes, as in, their contents?

SM: I would have hoped y’all knew me and my people better  than that by now.

S4: my bad.

S2: feel bad, Bitsy. That was a rookie mistake.

S4: you’re a rookie mistake

S3: children, behave

SM: more importantly, LML #2 has told me that if I message him one more time, he’s going to hire a courier to bring me a horse’s head for my bed.

S2: lol

S2: LML #2 takes no shit.

S3: so how do you make a rapid test?

SM: I’m so glad you asked. I have no idea. I have been given no guidelines and no direction.

S2: nice. So you got the element of surprise on your side.

SM: if by that, you mean, I am about to fail catastrophically, then yes!

S3: nah, man. you can do it!!

S4: Yeah! And your people will be okay. My mom got COVID really early and got through it. Dad talked to her outside the bedroom a few times every hour.

S2: oh great now I’ve gotta cry

SM: oh my god that could be meeeee

S2: no you’ve got a job. This is your chance to work that double major

SM: right right. Okay I will focus.

S2: go get ‘em!!

S3: do it!!

S4: use those brains, spidey!

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): sooooo

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): how’s it goin?

SM:[image] [image] [image]

S3: is that a kettle?

S2: forget the kettle, spidey, why’s it purple?

SM: because hell

S4: Titration?

SM: A+ for Bitsy. Now, the question of the hour: how do I know its even testing anything?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): idk

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): maybe test you?

SM: k

S2: what is it testing for?

SM: idk, but it came back purple

S4: how can you not know what its testing for?

SM: My master’s is very much not in bio, friend. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. Honestly I think this is just my big boss’s idea of a keeping us all occupied while he sorts out the sick leave.

S2: what about your little boss?

SM: my what?

S2: little boss.

SM: I have a little boss?

S2: existence of a big boss implies existence of a little boss. Who is the little boss? Tell us.

DD: I know

SM: do share

SM: actually don’t

DD: you want the socialist answer or the better one?

SM: if you say Jesus one more time I will kill you through my phone.

DD: I am not wanted here.

S2: DD’s taking no church time hard, huh?

BT: He’s turned on the televangelist channel and is arguing with the pastors.

SM: That’s rough

BT: He’s calling every number, guys. This is the best day of my life.

S3: DD needs a hero

SM: he must get on the waiting list. New York needs a hero rn

SM: wait. BT, what do you know about biology?

BT: OwO

S2: what is that face for

BT: I have a textbook.

SM: How much biology do you think you can learn in a night?

BT: ÒWÓ

SM: HELL YEAH

BT: assignment?

S2: oh god the nerds are in

BT: homework???

SM: yes.

BT: give

SM: Giving

BT: received. Give me 4 hrs to check in.

BT: spidey

SM: yes?

BT: biology is hm

SM: yes these are my feelings too

BT: I am not good with making numbers into squishy things

SM: See, I am having the opposite problem.

BT: making squish into numbers?

SM: making squish into Yes/No. I still don’t know what I’m doing, but I am now looking at a blue titration.

BT: oh, that’s very good.

SM: I thought so. Coworkers are asking me judgmental questions about it tho

SM: It would seem that I am…bad at this.

S2: WE FINALLY FOUND IT

S3: eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

S4: This and time management!!

SM: listen you brats

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I’ll make a test

DD: I will make a test

SM: No no. we’re good. You guys are great as you are.

S3: ^^^^^^

S4: a test for what

S2: please don’t

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I got a test machine rn

DD: same

SM: you don’t. Neither of you do. A microwave is not a test

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): makes the noise

DD: Makes the right noise yes

SM: is that what you think we do in labs??? Wait for pings??

DD: yes

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): Do you not?

SM: I am tired suddenly

S2: I know what happens in labs

SM: I am becoming one with this chair

S3: what goes on in labs, girl?

SM: spare me

S2: coats.

S3: coats.

S4: coats?

S2: yeah, that’s what happens in labs. Obviously.

SM: someone call a plumber my degree won’t fit in this toilet

S2: no? No coats?

SM: I cannot fit in this shitter y’all. It will not flush

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): no no, coats AND pings.

DD: very reasonable

SM: have literally any of you ever seen a single action film?

DD: kaiju

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): oh no, red. That’s a VERY good point

SM: kaiju???

BT: I introduced Teach to Pacific Rim last night. He’s into the kaijus

DD: I like all of them.

SM: You think my lab is full of kaijus

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): well, I mean. You did work with the Hulk that one time?

SM: you think the hulk is a kaiju.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): …no

DD: yes

BT: Teach has a hard time remembering that the jaegers are not the kaijus

DD: robots

SM: Red. No. The Hulk is not a robot. Or a giant lizard.

DD: I want to fight it

S2: youse a cruisin’ for a bruisin’

S3: I have noticed a trend. DD, you really want to fight a lizard, huh?

DD: yes

SM: boy do I got a guy for you then

DD: give him to me

SM: actually no.

DD: every time. You take it away from me every time.

SM: I’m not ready yet.

DD: let me know

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): this is the lizard guy again?

SM: longstanding enemy

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I can fix that

SM: no

DD: yes

SM: you two are overprotective

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): just the right level of protective

DD: agreed

SM: When you agree, I know to do the opposite of whatever it is you agree on. You know that right?

DD: I am insulted. Wade and I have years upon years on you in experience. Our intuition is honed.

SM: remember the time you both agreed to mix vinegar and bleach to unclog a drain?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): no

DD: yes

SM: do you ever wonder why you don’t remember, Wade?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I don’t ask questions like that in my brain, hon

DD: This was perhaps a moment of weakness.

SM: uh huh. Sure it was.

DD: I have things to do.

SM: oh, now he has things to do, does he? Whatever. Tell us what the pastors say, Red

DD: oh I will. Don’t you worry.

BT: Spidey 😢

SM: you don’t have to do this anymore, man

BT: biology is hard

SM: Correct. Also, I am an idiot

S2: tell us something we don’t know

SM: you are rude

S2: I said tell us something we don’t know

S4: the biggest bird in north America is the California condor

SM: I?

BT: !!!!

BT: HOW BIG IS IT

SM: Bitsy no. BT, Focus. There will be time for bird facts later. Tell me your biology woes first.

BT: no birbs?

SM: birbs in 30 seconds.

BT: sad.

BT: okay fine. I read through the viruses and bacteria stuff you sent like six times but Idk if I actually understand anything about them. I tried to look up similar coronaviruses to get a better idea of how they work but like, I dunno man. They’re super complicated and because they’re a virus, not a bacteria, it seems tricky to do much with them. People have dedicated their whole lives to what we’re trying to read in just a couple of days. We can’t really hope to understand them as well as those guys. I think we’re just going to have to trust the experts on this one.

SM: I am so glad you said that. Would you like to know why I am an idiot? It will make you feel better I think?

S2: it always makes me feel better.

SM: LISTEN YOU. Why are you always on? What have I done to you to deserve this treatment every goddamn day?

S2: you’re you.

SM: well that tracks.

SM: whatever. BT, just got the instructions that apparently we were supposed to wait for before we opened the box and it is not our job to make the test. It is our job to make the box for the test.

BT: are you serious rn?

SM: yes

BT: damn, man

SM: it certainly explains why all they sent me was modeling material, I’ll give them that.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): ahhhhh

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): do you ever just wake up and think about how fuckin dumb everyone in this here group is and sigh?

SM: I am not dumb I am impatient. They are different things.

S3: they lead to the same things.

SM: You! Are! Not! Wrong!

BT: okay so I don’t have to read more about viruses?

SM: that’s a negative.

BT: does this mean that I can learn about the birds now?

S4: yes

DD: no birds

DD: where are you? I have this man on the ropes. I need a witness.

BT: I’m busy.

DD: doing what?

BT: loving life.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): not for long

BT: Hello, I require saving. Paging a hero.

SM: I’VE MADE A BOX.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I’ve made a casserole.

S2: I’m positive for COVID?

S3: FUCK

SM: fuck

S4: oh my god

S2: well this is exciting

SM: what do you need?

S2: everyone in my family to stop freaking out.

SM: I shall send a telegram

S2: thanks spidey

S2: for real, I’m okay? Idk what to do about my family though. They’re negative so far?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I have a solution.

DD: is it the solution I’m thinking of?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I believe it is indeed.

SM: ?

S2: Spidey says not to trust you guys when you agree.

SM: hold on, let’s hear them out. What is your solution, Wade?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): well. I’ve already had COVID. So?

S2: SLEEPOVER?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): 🥰

S2: Wade you’re the best, did you know that?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I did

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I’ll come grab you, stay in your room, don’t touch shit. Tell your mama that your buddy’s got space for you.

S2: the actual best. Thank you guys 😭

SM: If you need anything give us a shout, okay?

S2: will do

S3: I am concerned.

SM: don’t be. Wade is a secret mother hen.

S3: Wade hoards cocaine

SM: the bags are his eggs.

S3: Spidey.

SM: too much?

S3: too much.

SM: hello I have made another box.

BT: me too, I’m calling it Fort Dog.

DD: let her out

BT: never

S2: hey how old is wade?

DD: ancient. Civilizations have risen and fallen in his years of existence

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I’m going to say this one more time: the Soviet Union is not an ancient civilization. You were also alive during the Soviet Union’s existence, Red.

DD: don’t remember it

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): That’s because you were but a bairn

DD: a wain

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): no a bairn

S3: what is happening?

SM: DP and DD are fighting over how to say ‘toddler’ in old English.

DD: I’m not touching that.

S2: wait you saw the Berlin Wall come down, Red?

DD: no? Well actually, maybe? I’m not sure. I think I must have been two?

S2: wooooooah

S3: an ancient among us.

DD: an ancient? No. Wade was like six? Seven? He actually remembers it.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I mean. Barely.

S2: Spidey what baby memories do you have?

SM: uh. I set a toaster on fire when I was four.

S2: how?

SM: right, so you know fridge magnets?

S3: I love this

SM: I thought if I put em in the toaster then they’d pop up and spell a word in the air

S2: aldfjas;dfklsf

SM: they did not.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): that’s so cute

DD: what word was it?

SM: I uh

S2: its okay spidey, I’m dying of the plague. You can tell me, I’ll take these secrets to the grave

SM: you’re going to post this.

S2: I would never do such a thing.

SM: you’re going to have Bitsy post it.

S2: I would absolutely do that thing.

S3: I’m sure it’s nothing man. You were probably a cute kid.

SM: It was ‘I love you’

S2: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWww

SM: I know I know. My aunt and uncle kept trying to console me but like, they were laughing too hard.

S3: that’s so cute. Your aunt and uncle are good people.

SM: well yeah. But what exactly are you supposed to say in that situation?

DD: do not touch.

SM: ?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): you have story to tell too, Red?

DD: no, not really. Everything in our house was “Not for you-sized fingers. Do not touch.”

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): which included?

DD: many things that were perfectly sized for me-sized fingers.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): how much time did you spend in time-out, Red?

DD: possibly years.

S2: oh my god

DD: I am not good at following directions.

BT: same

S3: I hated time out as a kid.

S2: same

S4: I never went into time out.

SM: what

S3: what

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): same.

SM: wade.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I mean. I spent time in a dishwasher. But that wasn’t time out.

S2: OH MY GOD

S3: Wade 😢

DD: with or without racks?

S2: THAT’s your question, DD?

DD: I’m just asking.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): both.

DD: nice

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): right?

S4: ?????!!!

S3: UM

S2: SPIDEY

SM: you cannot possibly have thought that they had happy childhoods. Look at them.

D2: this sounds like abuse?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): yeah

DD: that’s the point.

BT: I was not abused.

S2: same

S3: same

SM: I mean. I was not abused by my family. I apparently sought out abuse on my own terms in a red suit in later adolescence?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): yeah. But like, where’s your backstory, kiddo??

SM: my backstory is that I met you fuckheads and have been in a living hell ever since.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): awwww Red remember Webhead’s first ‘fuck?’

DD: I do.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): Stark tried to choke me even though I was innocent of all the crimes I was accused of.

DD: sometimes you just gotta say fuck

S4: can I say fuck?

S2: NO

S3: BITSY NO

SM: WASH YOUR MOUTH OUT BITSY

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): nah you can say fuck

DD: why can the boy not say fuck? This is a double standard.

SM: bad! Habits!! I will be blamed!! Cap will find out!

DD: ah, okay. So here’s what you do, Bitsy.

DD: Gasp every time someone says fuck for the first two years of entering a new social circle.

DD: establish yourself as a delicate, faint-hearted pillar in that community.

DD: then the first time you say fuck in mixed company, the whole bar will part around you and cheer.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): Red.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I am sensing another story.

DD: I have no stories.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): you fooled how many people into thinking you were a delicate, faint-hearted pillar of the community?

DD: oh, at least 65.

BT: what

DD: If you add on undergrad, then a solid 7 years worth of human interactions.

SM: how did you not say fuck for seven years?

DD: I whispered it into my pillow at night during my weekly flogging.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): nice

SM: weekly?

DD: anything less than an A+ is an unacceptable grade.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): were you an A- student, Red?

DD: No. The flogging made sure of that. Summa cum Laude. There are no A-s in this house.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): does Husband have any A-s?

DD: Husband is a shithead who never needed to study half as hard as the rest of us lugs.

BT: did Husband get better grades than you???

DD: no. Of course not. Flogging, boy. Are you not listening?

BT: I’m gonna ask him.

DD: ask him. See if I care.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): Red, buddy.

SM: There’s going to be one class.

DD: There will not be.

S2: what happens if there is?

S3: I mean, it was ages ago, so it wouldn’t matter.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): no, it wouldn’t. Would it, Red?

SM: Wade, that’s not nice. Stop.

S4: If I got anything less than an A in class, I think I would cry.

SM: I mean. Same. But also it doesn’t actually matter.

S2: it does, though, doesn’t it Spidey? It matters to your heart.

SM: no. It doesn’t matter.

S2: are you sure? Are you really, really sure?

SM: aren’t you supposed to be ill?

S3: Girl, go lay down.

S2: I am laying down. I’m just saying. Y’all have some certain personalities when it comes to grades and stuff. Us average folks don’t have those kinds of attachments.

SM: What do you mean ‘kinds of attachments?’

S2: oh you know.

BT: Husband says that you got an 93% in a class with a guy called Werner, DD? He says he got a 97%.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): lol

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): what do you think of that Red?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): Red?

SM: Double D?

S3: a 93%? That’s so high.

S4: yeah, that’s good.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): Red?

DD: how could I have forgotten

SM: oh shit

S4: 93 is really good tho!!

DD: a disgrace

S2: case in point

S3: not a disgrace.

DD: god how the fuck did I even get a degree

S3: woah, sharp turn

S2: see??

DD: I’m a fraud.

SM: not a fraud

DD: a fraud. Dishonored my father. He would be so embarrassed.

BT: I thought your dad barely graduated highschool?

DD: Disgraced. I’m better than this.

BT: Ah. So Husband is now saying that I wasn’t supposed to bring this up.

DD: I must repent.

SM: Double D. It’s going to be okay. It’s been actual years, decades even, since you were in school.

DD: perhaps the pandemic is punishment from God

SM: o-kay. We are on a spiral now.

S2: yeah, the pandemic is here to punish specifically you for getting a 93% in a class like a thousand years ago, Red. That’s totally it.

DD: God works in mysterious ways. I could fix this, you know. If only I could go to CHURCH.

BT: and we’re back.

SM: there we go. That’s the real complaint here.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): Every house is a house of god. Just pray in your living room for redemption or something.

DD: pray in my living room, wade?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): yes?

DD: go to hell

DD: how dare you

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): woah look out. Man of god coming through

DD: now you use my religion against me?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): what’re you gonna do? Kill me about it?

DD: disgusting. I’m leaving. I’ve wasted enough time on this ingrate.

SM: welp. I guess that’s our dismissal?

S2: Seems like it

S2: I’m tired.

SM: I’m sorry. If you need anything give us a shout. Wade sleeps like the dead so you might have to scream at him if you can.

S2: noted.

S3: feel better

S4: feel better!

S2: thanks guys. LS out

S4: hey Spidey?

SM: yeah?

S4: is there really not much else we can do to help people?

SM: I dunno yet. Gimme some time to think about it. You think too, okay?

S4: okay

D2: hello. Roger that.

S3: ^

---