shelter order

SM: Hello friends family and child. The world is shit rn. I have a slightly dumb idea to help bring the watery shits up to something more like a real turd

S2: I’m

S3: kinda graphic spidey

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): no let him speak. This is my language. I’ll translate if necessary

S4:  What is the idea?

SM: I’m glad you asked Bitsy child, darling of mine. Favored copy of all the copies

S2: I’m not your copy shithead

S4: Praise scares me

S3: Go on then

SM: Thank you. Wait. Where’s Dave? DAVID WE NEED YOU

S2: DAVID

S3: DAVE

S4: DAVE

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): We need no one. We need only God

D2: yes?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I said GOD, David

S2: I’m already here wade

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): oh right, my bad

SM: Focus please. The world is shit. Everyone is stuck inside. We all know someone who’s got the virus. Spiderman needs to do something, but Spiderman is presently stuck inside with everyone else. So. I had an idea.

S4: which is?

S2: bad

SM: yes, obviously. BUT. I’m just sayin. BT did an AMA the other week.

S3: He did a what??

S2: no shit??

S4: I know I watched it! He even dragged Red into it and the whole internet is sad that he’s married now.

SM: ikr??

S2: ugh. Why tho???

S3: everyone wants to fuck Red, girl. That’s just how it is.

S2: I KNOW. But like. Why.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): that ass

SM: thank you wade.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): np

SM: are you done?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): ye

SM: great.

SM: the point is, guys, that we are a bunch of wily fuckers climbing the walls rn. BT is chatting with people online to help distract them from the virus. I think we should join him. But like, maybe instead of talking to them we just publish our chat?

S2: ooooooooooh

S3: so the whole world will know that none of us knows how many ‘c’s and ‘m’s are in ‘recommend’ without spellcheck?

SM: exactly that. Yes.

SM: I mean. We are all objectively hilarious.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): correct

S2: we could also just film Wade. Wade is hilarious on his own

DD: no

S4: eyyyyyy

S2: EYYYY

S3: ayy

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): redthew you have joined us finally

D2: hello!

SM: hey DD. We’re going to publish the chat online for folks to see. Do you think you can text to speech for a while?

DD: Excuse me? Ableist.

SM: Um?

S2: how??

DD: You want me to write out long shit? Just so that people online can see?

DD: ableist

SM: oh shit. Sorry.

S4: we can transcribe your messages? And just play like you’re an old guy who’s bad at tech.

SM: absolutely. Or I can just transcribe them and shop them in. No one will know any different before they go up.

BT: HELLO

S2: EYYYY

S4: eyyyyyyyy

S3: hey Sam

SM: hey. no names. If we’re going to do this, no one can use names. Only nicknames from here on out, yeah?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): not a problem

D2: so no Dave?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): Whoops. Okay difficult.

SM: Wade. Dave IS his nickname. No, Dave, you’re still Dave. Sorry bud

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): wat

D2: we’ve been over this so many times

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): what what what

S2: oh shit I forgot too. Okay, Dave still gets to be Dave then.

SM: Yes

BT: Y’all are stealing my ideas. This is copyright infringement. I’m leaving.

SM: NO COME BACK I’M SORRY

BT: Are you?

SM: yes

BT: okay fine I forgive you

DD: we need to work on grudges next. I am adding it to the list

S3: lol

S4: how do you train someone to hold a grudge?

BT: grudges aren’t healthy Boss.

DD: says who

BT: your therapist on the phone the other day.

SM:!!!

S2: asdfjas;dkfj

DD: she doesn’t own me

BT: idk about that.

DD: I could leave her right now and be fine

BT: She said you have abandonment issues too

DD: I’m done.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): it’s okay Redthew I will never leave you. You’ll always have me.

DD: oh trust me

DD: I know

DD: it haunts me daily

SM: ANYWAYS. Back on track.

SM: Only nicknames. We’ll post them to an affiliated twitter. Little Spidey and Bitsy, this is your domain, do you think you can tell folks what we’re planning?

S4: yeah

S2: can do

SM: tell folks we’re only gonna do it if they behave. This is normally secret-secret stuff.

S3: spelling ‘recommend’ is secret-secret stuff?

SM: We’re about to tell the public how fucking stupid we are, S3. Yeah. It WAS a secret.

S2: the public has known how dumb we are for ages, spidey. But okay. It could be fun, I suppose.

BT: geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet ready to BLOCK

S4: the twitter master has spoken

S2: hail the twitter master

S3: hail

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): hail

D2: what?

DD: I have no idea. Just go with it.

SM: hail.

SM: We will be ready to block rowdy folks, BT. Thank you for the wisdom.

BT: no problem. Let me know if y’all need anything. Me and teach are gonna make food now. By which I mean that me and teach are going to go over how to be patient and not overknead dough again.

DD: I have been inside for days. Who else am I supposed to fight?

BT: after a couple of days, y’all should do an AMA for people. That’ll be fun. A shitshow. But fun.

SM: 👍

BT: byeeeee

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): So you’ll do the editing Spiderkid?

SM: woah. ANCIENT nickname. Fuck.

SM: yeah, I’ll do it.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I could go with ‘sport?’ Champ? Slugger? Baby boy?

S2: Baby boy

S3: ^

S4: ^^^^

SM: I am no longer baby.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): you’ll always be my baby 💋

SM: you’re making it weird wade. Don’t make it weird. We’ve talked about this.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): 💋💋💕❤✌

D2: lol

S2: I’m uncomfortable

S4: ^

S3: ^^^

S4: wait. Wade gets to stay Wade?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): everyone knows who I am boo. But y’all can call me DP if you want

S4: ah

S4: are we going to discuss anything of worth? Or is it gonna be all lamenting bubble tea and spelling again?

SM: business as usual

S3: so long dignity

S2: We never had any to start with.

S3: true but still hurtful

S2: alright Spidey me and Bitsy will set it up. Give us the green light when we’re gonna start.

SM: thank you

SM: and stay safe.

S2: copy that

S3: we will

S4: yep yep

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): will do

D2: ^

Little Spidey (Pink): Hello Twitter. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Spiderman has decided that we should share with you all our private chat. We will be doing so on the condition that y’all remain cool about it. You gonna be cool?

Spiderman 4.0: As Pink has said on her account, Spiderman (the big guy) wants to entertain you all with  how absolutely, knock-out dumb your fave dream team is. But we can only do that if everyone stays cool about it, alright? Can I get a promise?

Blindspot: Hello friends. My buddy Spidey back in NYC is in the thick of the virus, but trying to spread some cheer. He and his team have a group chat that is WILD. He’s willing to let y’all in on it, but you can’t let things get weird. Situation is scary. He’s trying to hero here, but he needs your help.

S2: hey spidey

SM: hay is for horses

SM: lol

S2: you’re turning into DD.

SM: TAKE IT BACK

S2: no. Twitter says they’ll behave. Folks are really excited. They’re down to go ahead.

SM: oh nice. Well. Shall we get started then? What is our business of this blessed day?

S3: oh are we live?

SM: god no. Can you imagine?

S4: scary

SM: we would expose everyone to wade

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyes?

S4: you did that spidey. You brought him here.

S3: nothing wade, everything’s cool.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): friends I have done all the laundry in my house.

SM: congrats?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): where did I get all these socks. Why do they have so many holes. Who killed JFK.

SM: I told you not to watch that shit

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): Netflix is my only comfort in this cold hard world BB boy

SM: I TOLD you not to make it weird

S2: it’s so weird wade, please stop

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): baby boy??? You don’t like to be recognized for what you are??

SM: I am not a baby. We already discussed this. I’m not discussing it again.

D2: you’re kind of a baby.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): AHA. An ally. Speak, David. Tell us your thoughts and ideas.

D2: no thanks

DD: You’re like twelve, kid. Accept it.

SM: We have Bitsy and you two continue to treat me like this. In what world is this acceptable?

S4: I am baby.

S2: fact

S3: correct

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): no. You are fetus. You are a twinkle in someone’s eye. Spiderchild is baby boy. Why was this okay ten years ago but not now?? What have I done to you to deserve such hatred and rejection?

DD: I have. A list.

SM: read him the riot act, Red

DD: kay

DD: Broken arm at 16

SM: yes

DD: Choked that one time with the suitcase

SM: fucking YES. Yes, go on.

DD: sheer drop off empire state five years back. Mandatory hug upon arrival from airport.

DD: lies about fatherhood for two years.

DD: enforced affection at twenty-first birthday party

DD: slammed hand in car door

DD: Bad driving instructor

DD: coerced affection during an alien invasion

DD: aiding and abetting tax evasion

SM: I forgot about that

DD: it is okay, you were 17.

S2: Oh my gOD

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I see your point but I don’t care.

DD: I have more?

S3: please, sir. Tell us more.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): don’t

DD: The time with the ladder.

DD: the time with the rollerskates.

DD: the time you let me drive.

DD: The dungeon incident.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): you know what

DD: losing the flashdrive with his final presentation on it

DD: inciting a bull and fleeing the area

DD: falsely claiming to have a pilot’s license

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I don’t have to listen to this

S3: damn spidey, you’re well adjusted for all that

SM: this is but a sliver of my trauma.

S2: define ‘well adjusted.’

S3: not presently screaming

SM: not today.

SM: yet.

S2: did you take your meds?

S2: Spidey

S3: Spidey

S4: Spidey did you?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): that’s a negative

DD: If I have to take mine than you have to take yours

SM: Consider.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): alright no

SM: if I don’t take mine

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): no no. I’m putting a stop to this one

SM: you don’t take yours?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): we are all, collectively, taking our medication during the pandemic.

DD: a compelling argument

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): we are all, collectively, also ignoring people who’s idea of fashion is green sneakers

DD: I love it

SM: I knew you would.

S2: old men, you are all taking your meds. We can’t cope with any of you when you’re chemically unbalanced. That includes you, Spidey.

S3: oh shit, Little Spidey just got real.

S4: y’all made Pink get serious. Make it stop, I’m scared.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): the babe is scared, Spiderkid, do you hear this? You are frightening the children.

DD: I have just been informed that there will be cruel and unusual punishment if meds are not taken appropriately.

S3: oh thank god

S2: Husband is the real mvp

DD: Husband has no sense of humor and is backed by the gall of the apprentice.

SM: Tell Husband that he is oppressing me.

DD: K

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): what exactly do you think that’s going to accomplish for you, Webs?

SM: WOAH WOAH WOAH

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I know. I know.

SM: HOLY SHIT.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): you’re the one who asked for this.

SM: I know but??? Webs???

S4: I am confusion.

D2: Same.

S2: that’s a cute nickname Spidey. You should take that one.

SM: no you don’t understand.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): old, old, old nickname.

S2: ?

SM: Wade used to call me that before we were teamed up. Like. In early, early days.

DD: Husband says he’s going to start demanding tribute from all the peasants he’s supervising.

DD: oh shit.

DD: webs.

DD: what’s going to happen next, Wade, you going to call me Hornhead?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I can

DD: no you don’t have to.

SM: do it. We’ll just take this whole planet 11 years into the past.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): 11…

DD: FUCK I’M OLD.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): Christ

DD: how did this even happen?

DD: one second I was actively trying to get killed

DD: the next I got a bad fucking back

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): oh boo boo. Come home I’ll kiss it better

DD: touch me and suffer the consequences

BT: Hello!

SM: eyyy

S2: hi!

BT: Stop stealing my pupil. We are baking. I will confiscate the phone now for quality time.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): lol

SM: the tables have turned, DD.

DD: I’m not finished here.

D2: bye!

S2: lol. Oh dave. He’s still typing, fam. Don’t say bye yet.

D2: oooooh.

S3: bless

DD: Goodbye for now.

S2: there you go, Dave. Have at it.

D2: BYE

S3: Dave is my favorite.

S2: Same.

S4: Thor is my favorite.

SM: false. I am your favorite.

S4: Cap is my favorite.

SM: False.

S2: you’re still mad we went camping without you

S4: Cap doesn’t go camping without me

SM: Cap is having violent flashbacks to the 20s rn. Leave him and his fellow fossil in peace.

S4: that’s not a nice thing to say about Mr. Wilson, Webs.

SM: DON’T CALL ME THAT. YOU ARE FOUR YEARS OLD.

S4: Webs

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): satisfying, no?

S4: yes

SM: STOP.

S2: Webs. Websies.

S3: Websssss

SM: I’m going to find a MASK. I’m going to leave this HOUSE. I’m going to haul ass to the city and then I’m going to suffocate each of you individually.

S2: I’m sooooo scared. Help me, spiderman!

S3: I’m on my way

S4: No, I’m on my way.

D2: no one’s on their way, there’s a shelter order on peeps, come on now.

SM: Dave how the hell are you not sick?

D2: gym closed. Daughter got her first period. Her misery requires 24/7 attention. And am not an Idiot. Haven’t left home in a week.

SM: damn he’s good.

S3: this is why Dave is my favorite. Spidey you were exposed, weren’t you?

SM: I am climbing these fucking walls in self isolation. Yes. I can’t go home. I can’t go out. I have been shunned by all my friends. They have started calling me ‘bubble boy’ and it is mean. They are bullies. I don’t need friends, I’ve decided.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I’ll come sit with you.

SM: …

S3: oh shit

S2: resist Spidey, it’s not worth the high blood pressure. You’re in a vulnerable state.

D2: Wade, you can’t catch it?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): already had it.

S2: metal

S3: Christ. Was it bad?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): on a scale of one to stage four cancer, you mean?

S3: I

S2: right. Sorry wade.

SM: Is it tho?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): you’ve got a healing factor kiddo you’ll be fine.

SM: I mean yeah, but no one else does.

S4: I do! And Cap does. He’s not answering any messages, though. I think he’s drowning in guilt rn.

SM: oh you sweet summer child.

SM: no. He’s having flashbacks, bitsy. I’m telling you. The guy was born during the Influenza outbreak. He’s had pneumonia more times than you can count.

S4: oh.

S2: nice?

SM: not nice.

S2: on the upside, if Cap managed to live what, 25 years? of more or less constant pneumonia with medical system that thought that whiskey was a cure all, then surely we can live through this?

SM: I mean.

SM: Ironman tested Cap once during an argument to prove a point and we found out that he’s naturally immune-deficient.

S2: what

S3: oh shit

S4: how could they tell?

SM: idk not my circus not my monkeys. I think there were cell observations involved.

DD: I have returned. I do not like bread.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): war on carbs again?

SM: hiss

S2: war on carbs??? DD why?

DD: this house smells like yeast. I cannot escape.

SM: most people like that smell Red

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): ^

DD: cannot escape. Have been refused permission to open a window. Husband has become a tyrant in this pandemic

SM: no. He just knows that you’ll climb out of it if its an option.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): correct

DD: I will behave.

SM: it is the end times

S2: red if you behave then we’ll all die. Don’t do this. Fling yourself out the window.

SM: Girl, no.

DD: copy that

S4: DD no!!

S4: we love you and you don’t have a healing factor so you’ll get sick!! Think about your lung!

S3: only the one lung.

SM: only the one lung that continues to be stabbed. Think of the stabbed lung.

DD: I will behave.

BT: Hi!!

SM: hey you

S4: BT stay and chat with us

BT: Sorry!! Cannot!! Me and teach are having quality time.

SM: you guys have more quality time than any mentor-mentee set I know.

BT: it is because we love each other. I am confiscating the phone again. Husband is granting permission for dog walking.

DD: on it. Farewell, nerds.

SM: that was dirty BT.

BT:😊

BT: you guys should get some rest. Watch some videos. Have a cup of tea.

S2: BT says it like a threat.

BT: 😊 😊 😊

SM: it is a threat.

BT: if you don’t and you get my community sicker than they are then I will come home and vanquish all of you in the suit so you won’t even see it coming 😳

S2: …scary

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): Red, are you proud?

BT: he is busy. Walking the dogs.

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): oh no, you’re for real, for real

BT: 😊

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I think…I am threatened by you, small invisible one.

SM: I think I’m going to go lay down.

S2: same

S3: I didn’t even get up!

S4: talk to you all later? Or like, when BT is gone and its safe again?

DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): I think I might have to kill him

D2: oh hello, I’m back. We had minor trauma requiring a Mom-call, but we’re good now. What’s happened?

S3: God, Dave. I love you so fucking much.

Little Spidey (Pink): Hello twitter friends. Here. Take the first installment of our bullshit.

Spiderman 4.0: Just so you all know, we’re all okay so far. For your reading ease, S2 is Pink, S3 is our Tall Guy, S4 is me, DD is Daredevil, D2/Dave is our buddy holding the fort in Hell’s Kitchen, and BT is your boy Blindspot who is a social distancing dictator in these trying times.

Blindspot: Hello friends. Head on over to the Spiderpeople’s accounts for proof that everyone around Sensei is an enabler but me and his husband. We are doing the lord’s work, y’all. We deserve recognition.