The chill in my bones

"We're in big trouble." Clint muttered as he kicked up his feet on the table in front of him. 

Steve glared pointedly at him and told him to take his feet off of the table but he did nothing but shrug, point to his head and remind him that his jerk of a best friend had kicked him in the head and that he had a concussion; Steve'd had to put up with this for the last 3 days and at this point he felt like knocking him out himself just to get some peace. Barton was impossible sometimes just as Natasha said he was. The thought of her brought a sad expression to his face and he sighed.

"Yeah, I miss her too." Clint muttered as he noted Steve's expression.

"Where are we on tracking them?" Steve sounded somewhat desperate at this point. 

Clint shared the sentiment but he was far less obvious about it, of course he missed his best friend. He was internalising and calculating exactly what the best play was here because while he knew Natasha, he'd only known the girl she was before that for a few months so he was far from being an expert. He was still sort of reeling from the fact that Barnes had been a part of her life before all of this and that he was probably the only person that could actually give them any real help and he was out there with her doing hell only knew what.

It bothered him and he was more shocked by it than he wanted to admit. He wanted to be able to help Natasha but they were helpless and he was pissed as hell about it. Clint Barton didn't like to be helpless, he knew that Steve was pissed about it too but Rogers wouldn't show it and he was far too polite to say it. Both of them had more questions than they knew what to do with but there wasn't all that much they could do about it unless they could get Barnes in a goddamn room and demand some answers anyway.

The only two people that could give them answers were off somewhere - Eastern Europe the last they'd been able to pin it down - doing some utterly destructive mission that wouldn't end well for Nat. He didn't understand why Bucky hadn't tried to bring her in already but he supposed it had a lot to do with who she was before and not a whole lot to do with who she'd become since joining SHIELD. Natasha wasn't that girl anymore.

It seemed though that that girl was angry as hell at the world and she had a lot of unfinished business with the monsters that had created them and he knew that the threat she posed if someone tried to step in and stop her was immense but he hated the thought of leaving her out there alone.

Barnes didn't count, in Clint's eyes she was alone. Bucky Barnes had been bad news before all of this because of the whole Winter Soldier-thing and he wholly respected the redemption kick because Nat had been through the same thing once upon a time but that didn't make it any easier for him to accept that buried inside of that brain of his was a connection to the darker side of his best friend and he hadn't told them what exactly had triggered her.

He couldn't help if he didn't know and he didn't like to be helpless, not when it came to Natasha so right now Bucky Barnes was firmly on Clints shitlist.

Okay, he didn't dislike Bucky that much but he had lied to him about his best friend and so that put him firmly in Clint Barton's you're an asshole category right now. There were a few people in there now: Tony, Bucky, Thor depending on the day, Loki like... Always. He was the king of Clint's little category. Stupid asshat. He rolled his eyes at Steve's question though and shrugged.

"Last time I got any info they were in Siberia. She didn't destroy the facility this time so that's something. I don't know what she was doing there though... They were on their way out of the city before we lost sight on traffic cameras." He sighed as he spoke and leaned back in his chair.

"Minimum destruction is good." Steve nodded. "It means that she's not just killing for the hell of it, right?"

Steve had no idea, he'd never dealt with this side of Natasha and he'd never directly faced the darker side of Bucky before either with the exception of one fight, after that it had been a broken version of the person he'd known before combined with the assassin that HYDRA had turned him into. It wasn't like Bucky had been outright bad when Steve had been trying to bring him in but Natasha seemed to be right now. Well.. Sort of. 

She'd beat the hell out of him twice so... That wasn't normal.

Romanov wasn't herself right now but then he'd been willing to help Bucky out no matter what when Bucky had been the one under and lost. He knew that Clint would fight for Natasha because he loved her too much to just let her slip after everything they'd already been through; she was his best friend just like she and Bucky Steve's best friends too. He was confused at everything with Bucky and that was... Well he wasn't all that sure but he knew that it wasn't Bucky's fault. He didn't know what was buried in that brain of his but Natasha...

The thought made him sigh. Spies lie, right? He didn't like the thought of her lying to him and that was something he knew Clint related to, too. He could understand why she hadn't said anything though. She would've thought that he didn't need her pain on top of his own and she hated to talk about her past. Her past was nothing but pain to her only that pain ran far deeper than any of them could've possibly understood.

"It means she had no reason to kill them yeah." Clint replied.

"There were casualties but I'm guessing not more than she needed to take out. Could also be her sending a message which is just as bad. If she's sending open challenges to these people then she's in a lot of trouble when they decide to take it."

So yeah, in a way he supposed Steve was right and she wasn't necessarily killing for the sake of killing but she was being reckless in her own way. What had happened with the first facility was just her proving that they weren't ever safe, whatever she'd done here was to prove she could always get inside... He had no idea what was next and that was scaring him. She was capable of causing an untold amount of damage if she wanted to and he knew that. There was no one scarier in the world than Natalia Romanova when she wanted to be or at least not to him, she was also his best friend though or at least his best friend was in there somewhere.

"She had kids with her when they left that facility though, I'm guessing there was a drop made after that because they didn't have the kids with 'em when they were on the way outta the city again..." Clint frowned as he spoke. Steve rose a brow as he looked at him.

"Training facility?" Steve offered, it was the only thing that made sense to him. 

"I think so, I think she wanted to take their girls before they could turn 'em into weapons but that ain't the only place like that, it can't be. They're all over the place from what she told me. There are dozens of them..." Stopping one wouldn't stop it all. Was that what she was doing? Was she purposely taking out these facilities? 

"You think she's gonna go after more of them?" Steve looked at Clint as he spoke but all Barton could do was offer him an uncertain look.

"No idea. She's pissed I know that much. I think she might end up going directly for the bastards that actually did it to her. If she goes home again - her home, where she was born - she'll find nothing but pain and ghosts and I don't know what that'll do to her mind." Nothing good he was sure. It'd probably fracture her more.

"If that's where she's headed we need to stop her before she gets there or Barnes needs to man up and do it. If she goes back there all she's gonna find is pain. She can take 'em out I've no doubt about that but I don't know what'll be left of her if she does. He's gotta know that too, if he knew her before he's gotta know it'll destroy her. She'll kill the monsters that made her but she could lose herself to the demons they left inside of her when she does." He sounded scared. Honestly scared.

He ran his hand down his face and sighed.

"She told me once that it was the only place in the world that scared her. She was tortured when she was a kid in that place, handed a gun and forced to kill before she was even old enough to know her own mind. I told her that she got to choose who she was after I found her because I gave her a choice and that she could choose for herself now but they never gave her a choice. If she chooses that? If she chooses to chase down ghosts I'm worried it'll unlock everything else she's tried to move on from." 

"Can we reach through to her?" Steve asked softly. He wished he could help Clint more... 

Both of them were at an utter loss here though. He had never faced this side of Natasha and he knew that his connection with Bucky was far different to whatever his connection with Natasha was. It was a whole host of confusing that he wasn't sure he'd ever understand. 

"Don't know." Clint replied with a shrug. "If I was there maybe but from here? No way. She told me not to go after her, told me she was fine but I don't believe her. I'm amazed she even replied honestly."

It didn't alleviate his worry at all, in fact if he was going to be honest it had just made it worse because he knew that it wasn't his best friend that'd tried to reassure him, it was the girl that he'd tried to save all of those years ago telling him to stay the hell away only doing it politely.

He rolled his eyes then.

"She also called me dumb and told me to stay at home and not play hero which uh, never gonna happen. She knows me better." Natasha really did but it seemed like Natalia did not.

Or did she? Clint frowned then and he let out a groan.

"I think she's screwing with me." He shook his head. "Telling me to stay put when she knows I won't do it but why?"

Steve studied Clint curiously.

"Why? Why would she do that?" Obviously he wasn't going to understand.

Clint inhaled a deep breath and a small smirk appeared on his lips.

"Because she knows that I won't do it. Natalia is- I don't even know what she is but Natasha knows that there's no way I'll stay here and don't do anything about it. Maybe it was her way of trying to reach through all of that..." Was it just dumb hope? He honestly didn't know anymore and he hated it.

The thought of his best friend screwing with him was just pain.

"I tried to ping her phone." Clint tapped his hand against his leg. "She'd already turned it off though. She's smart, if she doesn't wanna be tracked she won't be. Though I guess turning your phone off is kinda obvious."

"If you think she's going home we could meet her there?" Steve looked thoughtful. "We could see if we can be there to reach her."

"I really don't know. I don't know if it'll make things worse. I don't know anything. I don't know how to help her. I hate the thought of leaving her out there alone but if going after her will make it worse maybe we shouldn't." Clint sounded exacerbated. He finally kicked his feet to the floor and glanced at Steve before rolling his eyes.

"C'mon, I know someone who has better access to satellite feeds than we do. Someone that might be able to help us track Tasha better. Someone who might be able to get us a way to communicate with her or Barnes." He did not sound happy about it.

Steve glared at him and looked mad as hell. Okay maybe Cap wasn't too polite to say when he was angry.

"Why didn't you say anything before?!" Steve demanded. Any resource was useful right now.

"'There are some people I didn't wanna involve in this, Rogers. It's a mess that she don't need to be mixed up in." Clint released a sigh and shook his head.

This was his last resort and the one avenue he did not want to take. It was mixing two worlds he didn't want mixed, not like this anyway. Sometimes it was worth a few lies to just protect people, Barnes was right about that much: Sometimes secrets weren't so bad. Sometimes you needed to lie to protect people. 

She glanced at him trying to read his expression and it was somewhere between outright worried and slightly angry, she could understand why. This place didn't hold many good memories for either one of them. She was steady externally but internally a war raged and a part of her was begging her to turn and get the hell out of here as fast as she possibly could. She didn't want to be here but she knew she had to be.

She held to his hand trying to remind herself that her hard earned freedom was not going to end at their hands, not now or ever. She knew by now that there were some evils in the world that you should always avoid but she couldn't do it forever and she wouldn't. She wouldn't run forever. She had to take a stand and here was a good place to do it. Here was where she was made, here was where they sculpted a child into a killer and here was where she'd take her sense of self back once and for all.

"You don't have to do this, Natalia." He spoke quietly.

She turned to him and a small sigh broke her lips. She flicked her eyes down to the floor and she shook her head.

"That's where you're wrong, James. I have to do this because it's the only way I'll ever make them realise that I'm not theirs anymore. Here was where they took everything away from me, here was where they turned me into their little monster, their perfect little killer and here is where I need to take back who I am. Here is where I show them they don't own me anymore. If I hit here I'll know that I've knocked down the first domino in the series of hells I was put through."

She sounded saddened as she spoke, he knew why she was doing it and he knew there was nothing he could do to change her mind. She wanted more than anything else to show them that her body and her mind was her own even after everything that they'd done to her and he was proud of her for that, truly he was but here could cause her to unravel more than she wanted to admit. They did still have power over her. They did still get to decide at least a little of who she was.

"Here was where it all started for me." She reminded him. "You were the only good thing that these bastards ever gave me, I want you here with me so we can take back Us and show them that they didn't win. We found our way back, we always find our way back. I want you here to take a stand with me and take back who we are. They took away everything and they think they can get away with it."

He understood, he really did but the monsters that had created both of them were long since dead. What could be accomplished by being here now? All they'd do was chase ghosts and kill people who'd done to other people what they'd done to them and while he wasn't at all bothered about that, he was bothered about what all of this might do to her. He was worried about furthering the pain she had inside of her to the point where it was downright destructive and there was no way back for her.

He could not lose her forever, not when he'd just gotten her back. She was right, here was where they were created and where they'd been thrown together in the hopes that he'd turn her into a better weapon and he had but she'd long since surpassed him whether she realised it or not and he was proud of that in some manner or another but here was where he'd known that he was in love with her too and that was at least one thing he didn't hate.

Just one.

She was right, at least in a few ways but not entirely.

"They're all dead, Nat." He reminded her gently. "The ones that did this to us, they're all dead."

She shrugged though. It wasn't about the people themselves it was about what this place was and what it stood for. It was about how much it had taken away and destroyed and how much it'd keep doing it if no one stepped in to stop it but this went higher than just here. Here might be where her story started - well theirs to be more accurate - but this wasn't their main base of operations. So much had happened inside of those walls true enough but this wasn't doing to stop them.

She was spinning and she wasn't sure where to place her anger, he could relate to that. He smiled though and rolled his eyes at her response. She had always been so stubborn, she had always been probably the single most difficult person he'd known in this long, long life of his but he admired that more than he'd admit to her. She was - and always would be - the most fascinating person on the planet to him.

"It's not too late to reach out for help y'know. We could call in-" She cut him off with a scowl.

"The cavalry? No thanks." She rolled her eyes. "I told you I don't need saving. Don't make me knock you out again, I'll do it you know I will."

This time he scowled at her then and shook his head again. He was damn adamant she was not pulling that shit again. He knew by now that she was more than capable of playing her little games but this was the first time that she'd actually bested him with it. He'd taught her well, a little too well perhaps. 

"I was gonna say a few extra guns but sure, we'll go with that." He muttered. "Don't you goddamn dare, Romanov or I swear I'll-"

She took a step forward to stand in front of him and studied him with a smirk as she looked up at him, her hand ran up his chest.

"You'll do what?" She replied challengingly. 

"No games. Not here. You've gotta stop because-" 

"You still can't resist, can you?" She smirked triumphantly. "The student surpasses the master my love." 

His hand closed around hers and he pulled her forward.

"Not quite." He bowed his head, his lips dancing over hers close but not quite close enough to be a kiss.

"You were trained to seduce, I was trained to kill." His lips still close enough to hers to brush. "That doesn't mean I don't know how to push your buttons too."

Being this close but not quite close enough was agony for both of them and he knew it, her heart was thudding that loud in her ears that she could barely hear him speak. There was nothing in the world she wanted more than she wanted them, not her revenge, not this madness or the war raging on inside of her, nothing. Nothing more than she wanted him and she both loved and loathed it in unison.

She broke first just like he knew she would. She'd lived with the longing and the pain for decades whereas he'd done it just for days. It didn't make it any easier of course but still. She pressed her lips to his and as he felt the warmth of her body press against his in the biting cold, he found a sense of calm all over again, the problem was he wasn't sure he was helping her any.

At least not in the way that she was helping him. He wished he was, he'd do anything to pull her off of the road she was on right now. He loved her too much to let her go down this road alone but he wasn't sure that either of them could hold on for long enough to make it out of here with anything left of them intact.

It was a slippery slope they did not need to be going down.

He held her close to him though until he saw the red dot appear on her back and a shot rang out in the darkness, everything happened so fast and he cursed himself for not reacting quick enough, he felt the searing pain in his shoulder but he didn't care; he'd been shot dozens of times it barely even registered to him because all he was focussed on was her. She lost her strength fast and she fell against his chest as blood started to move down his hands and all he could do was lower her to the floor before she tumbled backward.

She stared up at him with wide eyes and he fought like hell to put pressure on the wound, it sounded like she was choking... No. Please no.

This was not the way this was supposed to end. Hold on... Please... Hold on.