Lifeline
Darcy answered the knock on the door that morning, after the kids had all left for school, and was surprised to see Bucky with Olivia on his hip. He normally texted before he came, but apparently not today.
She hadn't seen Bucky and Jane since last week, it seemed even though her cousin was on bed rest, her schedule had gotten busier.
She had a few unproductive dinners with Steve, which were full of nervous glances and awkward conversation, since then. But everything with her and Steve seemed to be at a stalemate.
"Everything alright," she asked as she let them in. She gave Olivia's foot a gentle squeeze and the baby rewarded her with a smile and laid her head on her father's shoulder, the metal one. Clearly it didn't bother her.
"Yeah," Bucky cleared his throat. "Everything is fine." He smiled, though it didn't reach his eyes. "Ok, maybe not."
"Oh," she asked as she handed Olivia a piece of a bagel as Bucky sat her in the booster seat that Darcy had acquired for Olivia when she was there with them.
"Yeah," he buckled her in because she had become an escape artist and accepted a bottle of water from her. "Jane is not happy."
"Oh no," Darcy laughed. "What did you do."
"Not me," he shook his head. "You."
"What did I do," Darcy exclaimed.
"Well," he took a sip of his water and looked directly at her. Darcy hadn't noticed it before but his eyes were a bit grayer than Steve's. And they held years and years full of a life lived that Steve's hadn't, if that were even possible. She would always be grateful that she got to know Bucky the man, and not Bucky the former, brainwashed Hydra assassin.
Of course that was in most part thanks to her cousin, who according to said former assasin, was mad at her right now.
"Well," he repeated. "According to my very pregnant fiance. She is hashtag Team Steve."
Darcy bit her lip and forced back a smile. He definitely picked that up from Bel. "And why is that?"
"Because my very pregnant, and very beautiful fiance, I might add, thinks that Steve lately is a big cuddly koala bear, no matter how many times recently he's kicked my ass," he grimaced and looked at the baby. "Butt. Kicked my butt. I really gotta watch my mouth."
Darcy laughed and handed the baby another piece of a bagel. Olivia wasn't paying any attention to them. "Can I ask you a serious question, Bucky?"
"Sure."
"I'm in a very complicated situation. I have a very complicated life. And from what I know, Steve really hasn't been in a serious relationship. Isn't that right," she asked.
"Well yeah," he winced. "I think so. He didn't really have his heart set on dating until everything really settled down."
"I'm a single mom, Bucky. I can't just be a fling. That's why I'm so scared. My kids absolutely adore Steve. I adore Steve. If something were to happen,-."
"How do you know that something will happen," he asked. "For what it's worth, I was never in a serious relationship until I met Jane. And I fooled around way more than Steve did."
Darcy felt her mouth drop open. She snapped it closed and then it opened again on it's own accord.
"And Steve has been way more consistent with you than I ever have been with Jane. Granted we were in a very different situation personally."
"But this baby is your baby, Bucky," she motioned to Olivia, who looked like she was about to fall asleep. "The twins will be yours as well. If you were to, God forbid, have an issue. You have rights. Steve would have none."
Bucky reached over and unbuckled the little girl from the chair, and pulled her gently into his arms. She rested her head on his shoulder, clearly tired. "She had a late night," he said by way if explanation. "And why does your head always go to it failing with Steve."
"Well you go through one failed marriage and it's just something you think about," she said.
"I think you need to take a step back and think of Steve for a moment. Out of all the women that he has been around, or shared a date with, or had them throw themselves at him, he wants to be with you," Bucky said. "He didn't have to choose that. He could have chosen that lawyer in HR that has no kids and comes with less baggage, but he didn't. He wants you. And I think he has done a pretty damn good job when it has come to the children."
"He has," she nodded. "He is great with them."
"So maybe the next time you try to come up with an excuse by taking away his choice, don't," Bucky's eyes hardened, and she had a feeling she was seeing the protective side of Bucky Barnes. The one she had heard so much about in the news stories or even from the history books. "You can turn him down without making excuses like that to make yourself feel better about your decision."
"Bucky," she said.
"No Darcy," he stood and took the sleeping child and laid her on the couch gently. He rolled up a blanket to lay at her side so she wouldn't roll off. "My friend is hurting. He has done a lot for me. He has done a lot for the world. But you have gotten to know him personally these last eight months. You know he isn't that persona that he portrays in public. He's a soldier and a fighter and a damn good one, yes. But he's also shy. And he's stubborn. And he's the best friend anyone could have. He has shit luck with women. He also can't talk to women. But he's damn good with children. And always tries to do what's best for the good of everyone."
"I know that, Bucky," she said. "Believe me, I do."
"So if you don't seriously want to be with him then cut the ties now. Enough of this drama. It's not good for anyone. And if you aren't serious, then let him move on," Bucky's voice was hardened steel, and Darcy was sure she hadn't seen him that agitated with anyone before. She watched him pick up his daughter who he had just laid down and walk to the door without a glance back he said, "I love you Darcy, but don't hurt my friend." And he was gone.
She stared at the door and she processed Bucky's shovel talk.
She felt about two feet tall.
"My daughter came out to me last week," Darcy said from her spot on the couch. "My daughter came out to me, and I wasn't even the first. She came out to her dad first and it didn't work out the way she wanted it to, or the way it should have happened."
Raynor nodded. "Coming out is a big, scary step. That she even felt comfortable coming out to you is a huge deal. Some wait years before coming out to their parents."
"I guess I don't understand why she chose to come out to her father first. I mean I do. But they don't talk."
"This could be her reaching out and trying to build a bridge with him. You said her uncle went through this same thing. And they're kind if MIA. Her father would be the closest to that connection."
Darcy nodded and bit her lip. "He rejected her."
"I figured," Raynor said.
"I don't know what I'm doing with my own life half the time and now I'm raising a daughter who is LGBTQ. I can't mess this up. When she told me, all I could think was 'don't say anything to mess this up. Don't say anything to send her running.'"
"How do you feel about this? Really."
"Well I grew up Puerto Rican and Catholic. I know I'm supposed to feel one way, but Bella is my baby. I nursed her. Changed her. Clothed her. I love my daughter regardless."
Raynor nodded and smiled.
"It's just, I always had a dream of her wedding and her first child. Just feels like that's a thing of the past now."
"You do realize that those can still be a reality? They may not be exactly as you pictured it but it can still happen."
"Yeah," Darcy sighed. "She came out to Steve before anyone else."
Raynor raised an eyebrow but otherwise said nothing.
"Yeah. She was terrified of how he would react, I think more so than how I would."
"Why do you think that is," Raynor asked.
"Because," Darcy swallowed and looked down. "She sees him as a father figure."
"And because of what happened with Nick and him turning her away, she was afraid Steve would."
"Yeah."
"Steve has built a very solid foundation with her, it seems. The fact that she went to him next before any other family member says a lot about where she places him in her life."
"He's handling it better that I am," Darcy admitted. "Hell. My Aunt Luci is handling it better than I am."
"Darcy give yourself some grace. She's probably been concerned about this for months or even years. She's had more time to process it. You just learned it. It's not something you're going to be used to overnight."
"My kids are," Darcy said.
"Kids are resilient. And they don't share those same dreams that parents share for their kids, to be fair."
"Yeah," Darcy mumbled. "I guess."
"You did everything right with Bella, Darcy. Be a little easier on yourself."
"I'm trying."
"Did anything else happen this week," Raynor asked.
"Besides Bucky chewing me out," Darcy laughed. "No."
"Bucky chewed you out," Raynor asked surprised.
"He told me to basically stop playing around when it comes to Steve."
"That makes sense. Bucky was known to be very protective over Steve."
"Yeah, but I've only know fun-loving, outgoing Bucky. I have never seen him like this," Darcy said.
"Well, he was setting a boundary and letting you know that if you crossed it, that it would not be ok. That's good for him."
"He told you," Darcy asked.
"Yeah," she smiled.
"He's better at this therapy thing than I am."
"Well he's had a lot more practice," Raynor said.
Jane stared at the ultrasound machine and clutched Bucky's hand, hard. He didn't complain. His eyes were glued to it too.
Bruce was typing furiously on the keyboard and Cho was moving the wand over her stomach, trying any and every angle to find a second heartbeat.
But there wasn't one.
"I think we need to get you admitted Jane. We need to deliver the baby and hopefully we can find out what happened to the second."
"Was it me," Jane cried. "Did I do something wrong?" She felt Bucky bury his head in her shoulder.
"Jane no," Bruce said softly. "Sometimes this happens and we have no way of knowing. We'll figure out what happened to your little girl. But in the meantime, your little boy is alive and healthy, and he can be delivered safely now, ok"
She nodded, but she felt tears roll down her cheeks. She didn't even realize she was crying. She felt Bucky run a finger down her cheek to wipe the tears away.
She turned to him, and dam broke. The tears that she had managed to not let go, justt rushed "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
"Shh. Sweetheart it's not your fault. We have our baby boy. And we have our little girl. What more could we ask for this side of heaven," he said.
She nodded but was still inconsolable, as the team worked around them to prepare her for the c-section. But still she saw only Bucky, terrified of this new reality.
She wished they could go back in time to this morning. When they woke in their bed and Olivia was in the middle because it was storming last night.
Beautiful, kind-hearted Olivia. The precious sunbeam of their lives recently. The daughter they never knew they needed.
She looked up at Bucky, "Olivia,"
He nodded and took out his phone. Olivia was with Steve right now.
She felt the anesthesiologist help her sit up so they could start the procedure. The numbness moved down her body soon after.
And Bucky was there by her side and never left.
The delivery was smooth. She felt some tugging and pulling, but the overwhelming pain that settled in her chest was more than any anesthesiologist could ever numb.
They were about to bury their baby. A baby they had so many hopes and dreams for. And all she could do was cry.
Bruce held their screaming baby boy over the curtain and Jane felt a surge of joy flit through her. He was perfect and whole with ten fingers and toes. She felt saddened because the joy of his arrival was overshadowed by the pain of his sister's loss.
She looked up at Bucky and could tell he was thinking the same thing. Whatever happened next, their baby boy would never feel their disappointment, only their joy that he was alive and whole.
Steve had Olivia on his hip when he made it to the waiting room. The news had travelled fast. Luci saw them and made her way over to them, quickly taking the little girl from his arms, she clung to the baby like a talisman.
He wasn't offended. He sat down next to Sam who was holding Natasha's hand.
"We're going to have to cancel our trip. We can't leave Bucky like this," Nat was telling Sam.
His best friend was about to bury a daughter that he'd never know besides the kicks he felt from inside Jane. It was a brutal reminder about how fragile life actually was.
Something he himself took advantage of each and everyday.
Darcy arrived next with the children she had pulled early from school. She sat next to him as Sofia had crawled on his lap.
Darcy took his hand and didn't let go.
Bella was the first to speak. "Is the other baby ok," she asked quietly.
"As far as we know, mija," Luci replied with a weak, worried smile. "James just said they wanted to get both babies delivered."
"Is Aunty Janie ok," Mason asked. He looked up at him with wide brown eyes, clearly hoping for an affirmative answer.
But Steve had none. None of them were ok.
He could only imagine what the mother and father who lost their child were feeling.
Jane felt it when they delivered her stillborn and all she could do was press a hand to her mouth to try and stifle her sobs.
She heard Bucky whisper into her hair that it was going to be ok, over and over again. He was trying to be strong and she felt bad because she just couldn't.
She reached up and touched his cheek. "Bucky," she whispered. "It's ok to cry." She kissed him gently.
And he did cry. She'd never seen him cry before. But here in that moment it was all they both could. Every sympthathetic glance of a nurse made it worse.
When Jane was moved to recovery, they'd asked for the team to only let Luci in. As much as they want the whole family in there Luci was mom, and could help them both off the edge.
And when Jane was asked if she wanted to hold Briella she could only nod.
The baby was whole, and perfect when they placed her into her arms.
"She is with your father now" Luci whispered as she rubbed the baby's tiny back. "Vuela con los angeles, mi amor."
Jane passed the baby to Bucky. His massive arms dwarfed the tiny little girl as he whispered words of love and devotion to her. The little girl, like her brother, had the curly dark hair, like their father's when he wore it shorter.
It was easy to see the 'what could have beens' with the brief time they had with Briella. And when they passed her back to the nurse the grief was enough to overwhelm them again.
But then Max was there, and very vocal, and healthy and for a brief moment she was overwhelmed with joy.
"It's ok to feel happy, mijita," her mother rubbed her shoulder. "He's a beautiful and healthy baby. That's all we could hope for."
Jane stared down at her baby, Bucky was back at her side. If little Briella had her mother's features, Max favored his father.
"I'm going to go get Olivia from Steven," Luci said. "So she can meet her baby brother."
Jane looked up at Bucky. "How is my face?"
"Beautiful," he leaned down and gave her a kiss.
"No," she said. "I don't want to worry Olivia."
"Ahh," he nodded and smiled. He reached up and wiped the corner of her eye. "There. Now you're perfect."
They watched Olivia from the moment her shoes touched the linoleum. Whenever you sat Olivia down now days, she took off running. Whether it was to her mommy and daddy. Or to her grandmother. Or after a cousin. Her two year old legs were quick.
But now she just stared from the doorway as she held her grandmother's hand. She had her binky in her mouth, they still hadn't broken her from it, and Jane was okay with that. It had offered her comfort in the orphanage the sixteen months she was in it, and as stable as she was now, Jane didn't have the heart to take it away.
"Livy," Jane said gently and the toddler looked up at her. "Come here, baby."
Only then did she take off. She threw her arms around Bucky's legs and he lifted her. He kissed her cheek and turned her toward Jane and the baby. "Look," he whispered. "That's your baby brother."
"Dowwy," she asked.
"No not a doll, sweetheart," Bucky laughed. "A baby."
"Baby," she pointed at the baby boy. "Who dat?"
"This is Max," Jane said. "Your baby brother."
"My baby," she squealed.
"Yes," Bucky grinned and kissed her head. "Yes. Your baby."
Darcy looked around before she stood and paced to the big window overlooking the city. There were so many emotions going through the entire party that was waiting to be let in to see the new baby.
So far only Luci and Olivia had been let back. She briefly wondered how the little girl's introduction was going and smiled. She saw Steve behind her by his reflection in the window.
"Makes you think, doesn't it," he murmured as he stood behind her.
"I can't even imagine," she replied. "Losing a child, even at birth," she shuddered. She couldn't finish the thought. What her cousin's were going through was something she couldn't even fathom.
She felt Steve wrap a large arm around her shoulder and she leaned into him. "I know. Bucky," he said and she felt him swallow hard. "I'm afraid of what this will do to him."
She hadn't even thought of that. Statistically relationships barely survived after the loss of a child. And Bucky's mental health, though stable now, would always be precarious at best.
"I'm sorry, Steve," she murmured and wrapped an arm around his waist.
"Why," he asked.
"You're always thinking of others whether it's Bucky, my kids. Me," she said.
"Well," he cleared his throat.
She took a hand on hers and gave it a squeeze. "We need to have a conversation but I'm tired of talking, so humor me for a moment." She stood on her tip toes and placed a tender kiss to his cheek and then to his lips. When she pulled away he was staring at her.
"Life can change in the blink of an eye Steve," she said and gave him another kiss. "And I don't want to live with any regrets if it does."
Bucky held his newborn baby boy while Jane held Livy. They wanted a little alone time before they let the whole crew in. Jane had done what only a mother could do. With a strength he hadn't known she posessed she delivered both of their babies and prepared to say goodbye to their baby girl at the same time.
He didn't blame her for the loss. Absolutely none if it was her fault. She did everything right. Though sometimes God had other plans.
Bucky wasn't a religious person, seventy years as a living puppet for a murderous organization took care of that. But Luci's gentle reminder that their precious baby girl was with her grandfather now had done a lot to calm his nerves.
She was with his own family too. Maybe having a reunion. Playing and perfectly whole.
He'd watched Jane the entire time after holding Briella, and she didn't even blink. When they placed Max in her arms, to Bucky there was nothing more perfect. And when Olivia came in...
Olivia had been Jane's lifeline through this later part of her pregnancy. The two had become best friends, which was saying a lot since the spunky toddler was running everywhere now days.
And Olvia was his lifeline as well, he wasn't ashamed to say. A reminder that he was good and she saw that in him everyday, enough to call him daddy.
They would get through this, he just knew it. They had each other, and right now that would be enough.