Confession
"Darcy," Dr. Raynor's voice broke through her thoughts. "Are you even listening to me?"
Darcy sighed and sat back. "I'm sorry. I'm just lost in my thoughts."
"Well tell me about them," Raynor took out her notebook, the one Darcy was beginning to hate. Bucky had told her the same thing at the beginning. "She has this notebook she takes out to force me to talk," he had said. Darcy took it that the super soldier didn't like his therapy sessions and didn't want to talk. But here she was, with that same damn notebook, and she really couldn't blame Bucky anymore.
"My daughter is mad at me. Bella. She's upset. Says I'm ruining everything," she looked down at her hands. "And maybe I am. Sofia," Darcy choked up. "Nick not calling is really affecting her. She doesn't ask about him anymore, but she sees Livy with Bucky now, and it's like," Darcy pauses. "She misses that. Steve left for two weeks, and I didn't realize how much my own children depended on him. And maybe I let them depend on him too much."
"Because why?"
"Because we're not together," Darcy said.
"Yeah you keep saying that, like it's an excuse, and I feel like it's a mantra for you. Like the more you say it the sooner you'll believe it."
"I do believe it. We aren't together."
"But you want to be," Raynor said.
"Yes," she began. "I mean no! I have too much baggage."
"Think about what you're doing here. You're making a decision for yourself, but it's based on what you think he deserves."
"He doesn't need my baggage," she said.
"Maybe you need to let him decide what he wants and needs. From what I understand, nobody has forced him to have these relationships with your children."
"No," Darcy said.
"And I know him, and I know how impossibly stubborn he can be. As can you."
"I am not stubborn," Darcy exclaimed.
"Aren't you," she asked. "And what about you? Forget about your children for a minute. Your ex-husband has moved on, it's been radio silent since his new wife had the baby. You are punishing yourself for what he did. Why do you think you don't deserve to be happy?"
"I don't know," she whispered.
"You speak of your cousin, I've only met her a couple of times. But you call her stubborn, bullheaded even. But yet, here she is living a life that you thought would be yours. And you possibly have the chance to emulate that life, and you decide you're not worthy of it."
Darcy looked down and the doctor continued.
"Do you miss Texas," the doctor asked.
"What, no. I'm glad I'm here. I love living here."
"But are you? Living here, I mean."
"Yes," Darcy said. "My apartment is upstairs."
Doctor Raynor gave her that don't be dumb look that Jane had been giving her so much lately. "You know exactly what I mean, Ms. Lewis. Maybe the sooner you make a decision about what you want in your life, the sooner your life will begin," Raynor closed her notebook and smiled at her. "And I think that starts with Steve."
Darcy closed the front door, the kids would still be at school, and Sofia wanted to spend the day with Steve. He was nice enough to overlook the sins of her airhead mother to not let the awkward state of their relationship affect the relationship between him and the kids.
Darcy unloaded the dishwasher and reorganized the silverware drawer. For some reason, even though they had an organizer for the utensils, it was always a mess. When she was finished she poured out a cup of decaf to wait for the children to get home from school. They'd be having dinner at Jane's which would probably become the norm, at least until Jane delivered because of her bedrest. Not that it was a bad thing. The kids loved being at Jane's apartment.
She walked into the living room and tossed some pillows back onto the sectional. Mason loved laying in the pillows on the floor when he was playing his video games, but as much as she harped on him, he never put them up. She was about to clean up the DVD mess when she heard sobbing from the room off the living room.
Bella's room.
She startled gently, she'd not heard her come home, which told her that her daughter had been home far longer than she had been. She sat the DVD she was holding back on the stand, and walked to the door slowly, gently knocking on it.
She pushed the door open, and sure enough, her teenage girl was sitting on the middle of her bed, head in her hands, crying. It broke her heart anytime one of her children were upset, but these heart-wrenching sobs coming from Bell, were a whole other level.
They'd not been communicating well lately, and maybe that was her own fault, but that would never, ever stop Darcy from doing her absolute most for her kids.
"Bell," she closed the door gently behind her, careful to step over the guitar and laptop in the middle of the floor as she made her way to the bed. "Bella talk to me." Darcy took her little girl into her arms, and Bella's sobs grew louder.
Darcy pushed her daughter's dark hair from her face and held her close. If Bella couldn't talk right now, she could still hold her. She rocked her gently and hummed a song she use to sing to her when she was little.
There were times when she would look at her firstborn and lament at how big she had gotten, but here today she seemed so small.
"I called dad today," Bella hiccupped. "I wanted to tell him something."
"Oh," Darcy was surprised. Out of all the kids, Bella was the one who rebelled against Nick the most. "Did he answer?"
"Yeah," Bella said, her voice small.
A sense of dread filled Darcy. Obviously it wasn't a good conversation, or at least it didn't go how Bella had expected it to go. "Tell me what happened."
Bella hiccupped and wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her hoodie. "I don't know how to say this mami. I don't want you to hate me."
Her heart broke. "Nothing you say mija could ever, ever make me hate you."
"You don't know that," Bella sobbed.
"I do know that," Darcy replied. "Because you are my child. And I will always always be there for you. You're stuck with me for the rest of my life."
Bella looked up into her eyes for the first time, and she looked like she did when she was four and in trouble for crossing the parking lot and not waiting for the adult when she knew she was supposed to. She'd always been independent, not as much as Sofi, but in her own way, they all knew that Bella was destined for greater things beyond their wildest dreams.
"Tell me," Darcy nudged her gently.
Bella looked down at her hands and inhaled deeply. "I called dad because I think I'm gay," she said and looked up into her eyes. "And I wanted to talk to him about it.
Darcy stifled her emotions. So many things could go wrong if she even blinked wrong. Her little girl, who'd never even admitted interest in dating anyone was dropping a bombshell on her that she hadn't prepared for.
"Are you mad at me too," Bella whispered.
"No," Darcy exclaimed. "No, sweetheart. Just the opposite. I'm proud of you for telling me." It made sense that Bella would try to talk to her dad about this first, his own brother had been through it, not that they were close. "What did your dad say?"
"He told me not to call him again," Bella broke into a fresh batch of tears and Darcy held onto her tightly. "You know what, mom. Maybe it's good that you and Steve didn't work. I'd hate to lose another father if it had."
"Baby no," Darcy rocked her, and tightened her hold. "Don't even say that. Steve isn't your father, you know that. They aren't the same person. You have no idea how Steve will react."
"Oh yeah," Bella sobbed. "He and Uncle Bucky are from the forties mom. How do you think they'll react?"
"I think you need to give them a chance before you start to judge them too. Have they given you any reason to think they would ever stop loving you? They love you even though they don't have to and you know why? Because you are an amazing little girl, who has a heart of gold."
"You don't think Steve would hate me," Bella whispered.
"Baby," Darcy kissed the top of her daughter's head. "I love you. And I'm so proud of you for telling me this. And I know your relationship with Steve is important to you. It's important to him too. And I think the only way you'll get the answer to your question is by telling him. He loves you. He deserves to know."
Darcy walked in with Bella and Mason to Jane and Bucky's apartment later that afternoon a couple hours before dinner.
Steve was already there, Olivia standing on one leg bouncing up and down, and Sofia sat on the other. The way he had a hold of both as he kept up a conversation with Jane gave away major father vibes.
Bucky greeted her with a hug and mischievous grin that had her laughing. "What are you even up to," she needed this. Bucky's mischief personality could get her out of any funk that this emotional rollercoaster of a day had brought.
"Who me," Bucky's eyes widened. "Nothing."
"Liar," she teased and returned his hug.
He feigned shock and clutched his chest. "That hurts. Jane your cousin has a lethal mouth on her. I'm dead. Take care of our babies. Let them know how much I love them."
Darcy laughed out loud as Jane rolled her eyes from her spot on the couch. "You're such a drama queen," Darcy said while smacking him on the back of the head. Bella had sat herself on the other side of Steve and leaned her head on his shoulder. Darcy sat by Jane. "What has him in such a good mood?"
Jane grinned at her and motioned to Olivia. "Little girl's adoption was finalized today. She's officially Olivia Barnes."
Darcy's eyes grew wide as did Bella's and Sofi's. "Oh my gosh! Livy! Yay!"
"Yaaaay," she clapped from Steve's lap in response while they all laughed.
"Tonight we are having a gotcha party, so it all kind of worked out. Mom went and got a cake and of course you all will be here. And Tony and Sam as well."
Darcy's eyes filled with tears for the third time that day. Olivia had come into their lives in such a quietly dramatic way. But the way it happened had done so much good for her and all the kids at the orphanage. It had been recently reported that because of Olivia and her dandelion that each of the kids that were in the house at the time had found their forever homes. It was a beautiful kind ending that Bucky had brought forth, effectively shedding his icy persona to the media.
Jane grinned as well, her own eyes watery. "I would blame the pregnancy, but she's just perfect," she eyed her baby daughter. "I'm glad it happened before these babies were born. That way she knows she was always first."
Darcy didn't think about it that way, but clearly Jane did, and the more she thought about it the more she realized her cousin was right. Being adopted so close to the birth of the babies, had the adoption come second, Olivia could have spent a lot of her teenage years wondering why. Bucky and Jane had spent a lot of time and money to ensure that their baby knew that she was wanted from the moment they laid eyes on her.
And she had definitely strengthened their family unit as a whole.
Bella whispered something to Steve and he nodded and stood. He sat Sofi gently on the couch with Olivia next to her and walked with Bella to the back apartment bedroom.
Darcy quickly sent up a quiet prayer to strengthen her daughter and to let her know that no matter what, that she was loved.
Jane shot her a questioning look, but Darcy shook her head.
This was Bella's story to tell.
Steve was fast realizing that he loved being surrounded by kids, and that family was more than blood. For him growing up he always knew that. Bucky was as much his brother as his mother was his mother.
But here and now, Darcy and her kids had changed his life. No matter how awkward things were between he and Darcy right now, he knew no matter what that those kids would be in his life forever.
He knew the minute Bella had entered the room she had been preoccupied. He was trained to read body language like that. But the second she laid her head on his shoulder he knew something was up. Not that she had never done that before. But because she had done it so rarely, the last time she had done it, her team had lost a heartbreaking final game at the state championship.
The minute they got to the guest bedroom Bella became a bundle of nervous energy, and looked like she was about to burst into tears.
"Bell," he said gently and sat down and opened his arms. She walked into them, just like Sofi did when she just woke up, or was in the middle of a tantrum, or was hurt. He was tall enough, even sitting, for Bella to lay her head on his shoulder as she cried. And he had learned in the past that it was best just to let her cry it out.
Her rubbed her back to calm her as best she could, even though her sobs were close to destroying him.
She pulled back, her dark brown eyes were red with tears, this wasn't the first time she cried today. He pulled her down to sit next to him and wiped beneath her eyes. "Talk to me, sweetheart."
"I don't want you to hate me," she cried.
"That's not even possible," Steve couldn't even fathom the idea.
"My dad does," she hiccupped.
"I'm not him," he insisted and wrapped an arm around her shoulder.
"I think I'm gay, Steve."
"Ok," Steve said and looked at her to continue. "And?"
"And now you can hate me for it," she started to sob again. "Just like my dad."
He chuckled and rose to his feet and pulled her up. He wrapped both arms around her this time letting her cry. "Sweetheart, I would never hate you for what you are. Why would I give up the absolute privilege of having an amazing little girl in my life? I'm old, but I'm not stupid."
Bella pulled back, looking up at him stunned.
"You really thought I would care whether you liked boys or girls," Steve asked her gently. "Honey. There is so much more to you than that."
"You really don't hate me," she sobbed.
"I absolutely do not hate you. I hate that you even thought I would. And I hate that you're upset. But I don't hate you."
She sat back down on the bed and he followed. He brushed some hair back from her face and kissed the side of her head. "I wish you were my dad, Steve."
He sighed and kissed her head again. "I know. I'm working on that. But in the meantime, I am where it counts."
A knock hit the door and a "Teve," rang out letting them know that Olivia had somehow escaped her temporary babysitter, Sofia, and had managed to find them.
Another knock and then a "Bew," and Bella's face broke into a smile. "She is a funny little baby."
"Teve!"
Steve smiled and got up and went to the door motioning with his head. "You ready? I can't promise that I'll be able to catch her before she makes impact. She's pretty quick."
Bella wiped her eyes and nodded.
Steve smiled and opened the door, feeling one hundred times better than he had in the past few weeks, if only because he got to be a father today.
Even just a little bit.