Chapter 1
Bucky could see it in Steve’s eyes, in the confident way that he held himself, in the brightness of his eyes, in the tightness of his collar, he was with her again. He never felt the need to ask a question he didn’t want the answer to. Because he was a goner for him. He resigned himself to just being his friend, yet it felt like the happier Steve was the more Bucky felt like he was losing himself. How could he have fooled himself into thinking that he could put himself through this? His masochistic tendencies won, and now here he was torturing himself watching Steve be happy with someone that wasn’t him. And it hurt. It hurt really bad. Steve looked at her like she hung the moon. It was obvious that something was there, and they could’ve been perfect, but Bucky was selfish. He had him first, and just for tonight, just tonight, he would take Steve home.
One last time.
Bucky spent so much of his time hiding his feelings for Steve, that it became second nature to lie straight to Steve’s face, and maybe if he repeated it enough he would start to believe it too. He knew Steve was just like him, he didn’t ask questions he didn’t want the answers to. So, in the end, he knew he had a little bit of Steve’s heart, but that was enough. It would have to be enough, because having a little love was better than having none.
Bucky didn’t doubt that Peggy could be everything that Bucky couldn’t be. Steve wouldn’t have to hide, he could forget about him and the nights they spent together, hidden in the dark, sweat coating they exhausted bodies. He just needed him one last time, then he could let go. He could stand here and try to convince himself that he could, but the truth is, that seeing Steve with anyone other than him left a gaping hole in heart, in his fucking soul, because the truth is Steve was a part of him that he never wanted to get rid of, and if being just his friend is what he has to be to stay in his life without a second thought. But tonight, he wasn’t expecting Peggy, he wasn’t expecting her to show up in a red dress that showed off her figure, he wasn’t expecting her to be all dolled up, bright red drawing attention exactly where she wanted it to be. He thought that the high of finding each other again would trump Steve’s attraction to her, but seeing the way he stared at her, he knew that it wasn’t simple attraction, it was a tentative feeling of admiration he saw, he saw that if Steve pursued that feeling something powerful could bloom. Even though just the thought made him want to cry in despair, he knew that Steve would be in good hands, because Peggy, like him, saw Steve for who he really was, a good man wanting to do what’s right, someone who would go down swinging if it came down to it, and he also knew that Peggy, like him, would watch his back, because Steve could be reckless, he didn’t have self-preservation but she would be there to bring him back to reality. She was everything that Bucky ever wanted to be for Steve, but tonight.
Just for tonight, he wanted to be selfish. He wanted to feel those hands on him, he wanted to feel the sweat of a night gone right clinging to his burning skin, he wanted to feel the love he led himself to believe that he could have. He wanted to feel as if he was Steve’s, one last time before he let him go. He needed it, just one last time.