Oh look I’m blue and crying
I entered my room and crumpled to the floor. “Jarvis, lock my door…let no one in.” A monster like me doesn’t deserve comfort, even if one of them could find it in themselves to give it. Especially not if I could destroy their fleeting moment of pity with a touch.
“What have I done?! I shouldn’t have done that! I’m a monster! I’m a monster! I’m a monster! They will never care for you…you destroy everything you touch. You were a mistake,” I sobbed and sobbed, yelling at myself over and over again.
Thor was gone, now, and the mortals knew I was this thing! I had destroyed yet another life. My own this time, built from mistakes, and though I hated to admit it, I cared for these mortals…whether or not they felt the same about me. They had realized I was at least partially brainwashed during the Invasion and allowed me to have a second chance. I owed them that debt. Now they would inevitably cast me out.
“I’m a monster!” I screamed at the mirror, hitting it so I wouldn’t have to look at myself any longer. I couldn’t bear it. The shards cut my hand, but I hardly felt it. And the broken pieces of mirror still showed my reflection, just fragmented and broken like how I felt inside.
My mind was screaming. It was all so loud in my head, Norns, make it stop! Stop! You are worthless son of Laufey. No one will love you now that they see you.
“No,” I sobbed brokenly, aloud. Then back to the horror of my tormented mind.
You are a disgrace, an evil that must be destroyed. You have brought nothing but dishonor and shame upon the household of Odin.
“Stop make it stop…stop, stop, stop!” I screamed.
You are a worthless Ergi. Your brother is gone, he left you here. They are gone, and you are nothing. Nothing but a monster who should have died in the snow years ago. I know it is true, of course, it is as I have always known. Even before I knew what I was. I can’t make it stop.
“Loki! Loki! What’s going on in there? Who is with you? Please let me in!” It was Stark from outside the door. He must have heard me screaming at myself.
He wants to see you so he can mock you, to show you how vile and despicable you truly are. I knew it to be the truth—why would such a good man care for a monster like me? No one could love me. I always betray them…they always die because of me.
Sigyn, dead, killed during a frost giant battle. My children would end the world, the prophecy said. Fenrir tied down. Sleipnir locked up in the stables. Jörmungandr, surrounding the world, gnawing on his own tail. And Hel was ruling the realm of death with no end in sight. Everyone I love is trapped. If I wasn’t here, this never would have happened.
I will make it stop. It will be quiet, at last, I told myself. If I left this life, I could stop the death and destruction I create.
I had the tools. I had prepared myself for death before. Falling off a bridge is no different than the slice of a blade. I summoned a dagger and put it to my wrist. Was I ready to see myself bleed blue? Yes, death was a welcome friend. Perhaps it would not be so bad.
“Override code, S19-D4,” Jarvis said
Just as I began to cut the door flew open!
“Loki!” He gasped and his eyes widened as he saw the knife at my wrist. “Loki! No! No! This can’t be happening...you can’t die! Not like this not now…not, not in front of me…no! He began to hyperventilate and slid to the floor. His eyes were vacant as he evidently began to relive a memory.
“Jarvis! Jarvis, how do I help him…let me help him…help me!” I gasped, suddenly not worried about my own cares anymore.
“Master Loki, I must ask you to put down the knife before I assist you further.”
I dropped the knife as if it had burned me and crawled to Tony. I could not touch him for fear of causing him pain and possible loss of limb due to frostbite. I quickly cast a heating spell on myself. Though uncomfortable, it would permit me to touch Tony without causing damage.
“Loki, you must get Sir onto a flat surface, try to regulate his breathing, and calm him down. Put him on the bed and give him slight compressions to help him to relax.”
I carefully placed Tony onto the bed and sent a wave of calm through him with my magic. I began to administer the recommended compressions. As Stark calmed, he seemed to realize where he was and who was with him.
“Jarvis! Initiate protocol S. D. A. on Loki and lock down the room,” Tony called
“Right away, Sir.” Said Jarvis sounding as relieved as a robot can.
“What did you just do, Anthony?” I asked perplexed and a bit alarmed.
“I just locked down this room and put you on suicide watch. I’m taking all of your weapons out of this room whenever I see fit to go. I will be alerted if you bring anymore in. Now, care to explain why you are a, blue, b, crying, and c, trying to fucking kill yourself?!”
I sighed. Could he even understand what I was saving him from? Myself from? I didn’t deserve a life, a family, love, so why should I stay alive?
“Because, you do deserve those things Lo, it’s okay, you can exhale now. You deserve to be happy as much as anyone else. You don’t have to die. We can help you. Why is it so bad that you are blue anyways?”
I had said that aloud. Damn.
“I’m waiting for an answer. I won’t leave until I get one.”
“Fine, Anthony. I am blue because I am a Jotun, a frost giant and that perfectly well explains why I am crying as well as the attempt on my own life. I am not normal, I’m a monster…I hurt so many people, so many that I loved. It hurts to see myself like this. I cannot bear it.”
“You look fine to me. You’re not a monster and you don’t need to die because of what you are.”
“Glowing blood red eyes and blue skin do not seem monstrous to you?” Loki scoffed, “And that’s not the only reason I was going to end it all. I just lost everything. I just destroyed my life again. What reason have I to live?”
“No, they don’t bother me! You are still you, and I care for you no matter what. You haven’t destroyed your life here, no matter what you think you did. Being who you are is something none of us will fault you for, especially me.”
“I care strongly for you, Anthony, and I wish you didn’t have to see me like this,” Loki finally sighed, “Truly though? Are you sure that the others don’t hate me?” Loki flushed a bit at his declaration and then paled when he realized what he had said.
“I care strongly for you too, Lokes.” Anthony said with a smile, “And yes, I’m sure they won’t judge you once they understand what happened. Right now, they’re all just very confused.”
“Should I speak to them now? I may have just undergone quite an ordeal, but I have been through worse. I should speak to them now,” Loki said quietly but firmly.
“No. You need to rest. We can talk to them tomorrow. Would you like me to stay?”
“Thank you, but no. I am afraid I may harm you in slumber,” I sighed, sadly. Anthony looked rather dejected and began to rise from the bed. I thought through ways he might stay. His presence was rather calming.
Aha! I had found one. I pulled a blanket from one of my dimensional pockets. The large, enchanted blanket would provide Anthony with warmth and comfort and allow him to still be close to me.
“Anthony, wait. If you use this blanket you will be able to stay in bed with me!” I said this in a way perilously close to pleading. What did this man do to me?!
He smiled and pulled the blanket over himself. Snuggling back into the bed, we relaxed into a peaceful sleep together.
Tomorrow, we would talk to the team.