Chapter 6
It had been a rough night. Kara couldn’t sleep at all. She kept turning back and forth throughout the night because of her knee. It started to ache, not much, but bothersome enough to prevent Kara from falling asleep. The walking of the previous afternoon had been too much for her freshly healed knee. Kara kept telling herself that she could handle it so that she wouldn’t have to take any painkillers. The stash she had gotten for herself from Jeremiah’s medical pocket was running low already so she needed to save it up.
She got up from the bed and lumped over with two elbows on the thighs, trying to catch her breath from a wave of pain coming from her knee. Biting her lip hard, Kara hissed as she sat straighter. It took her some moments to get used to the pressure. Kara hated being like this, so incapacitated and disabled. She knew that so many people had it worse in life, so she couldn’t complain, but Rao, it hurt so badly sometimes. Kara wondered if she could stand.
Hitching a breath, Kara pushed herself up, holding the bed frame to steady herself. It didn’t hurt too much when she stood. Lifting her leg, Kara slowly walked. It worked, and the pain wasn’t too much like when she laid down. Kara got out of the bedroom, carefully closed the door to not wake Siobhan up.
The entire apartment drowned in darkness still. Kara enjoyed being hidden in the darkness. It made her feel safe and calm. The sound of National City was distant outside the walls, so far away. Kara felt almost like an alien but in the best way possible. Usually she already felt alienated from the world against her will, so when she could just be in the dark and let the world go by, it suited her mind better.
When her eyes got used to the darkness, Kara found her way to the kitchen and sat down on the chair right next to the big window. She leaned back and let her gaze drift towards the night sky. Some of the street lights came into the view and occasionally headlights would fly across the frame, adding some rare movement to a seemingly still picture. It was probably her favorite time of the day. Nobody was coming to her with any question, any need and any want for themselves that somehow only she could help with.
Kara sighed longingly and closed her eyes. In her mind, she was in the army somewhere overseas with a mission and a goal. She would become just a part of something bigger and other people would have the same responsibility. Nobody would ask from her more than what she would be trained for. Kara really looked forward to the day it came true.
Her family didn’t like her dream. Linda and Kara shared the same goal, but they didn’t respond to Linda’s wish to be in the army the same way. Linda had been away from home for so many years, it wouldn’t be too different once she would be in the army. It was the other way around for Kara. Everyone said they would miss her so much and Kara understood that because she would miss them too. The other reason would be their dependence on Kara would come to the light and they would have to face life without her helping them. It would be too much and they needed her.
What about what she needed? Kara was a human too. She couldn’t know everything every time. She couldn’t always have the resources to figure shit out. She would find herself backed into a corner too.
But it didn’t matter. Ever. Every once in a while when she needed help from her family, it would come back to her as a favor for them later. Never failed. That would be if she received any help from them. To everyone, Kara could just magically come out of every situation or figure out every solution for every possible issue so she should be able to handle her own problems as well.
And she had no rest. She couldn’t really sleep and she was in pain most of the time. Kara could deal with it. It was her body, her injuries and her life. It was hers to face.
Kara sat in the kitchen until the sun rose to do her daily morning routine. She knew that sooner or later her mom would wake up to get ready for breakfast. She could help Eliza out since she would be in the kitchen already. Jeremiah would be the second person to wake up. He had work today, as usuals. Despite whatever happened between them and how shitty he had been to everyone, he was a hard-working man. He worked two jobs and even on weekends or holidays to pay for debts — that mostly existed because of him — and rent and every other thing. Kara hated to be dependent on him financially but it was how it was.
“ :zeht ehrosh :bem, je’ju ,” Kara greeted Eliza when she saw her mother walking into the kitchen. “How did you sleep?”
“ :zeht ehrosh :bem, i nah. I slept okay. I had a dream that I was chased by a pack of wolves.” Eliza shuddered as she sat down at the kitchen table.
“That’s scary.” Kara stood up to put some water to boil. “I’m going to drink tea. Do you want some?”
“Sure, thank you Kara. How was the mall yesterday?” Eliza stretched her arms, looking at Kara with excitement in her tone. “You and Siobhan came back rather late.”
“Yeah, we were just going around. Sam and Siobhan were shopping and trying on clothes a lot. We had dinner at Burger King after that and we went on a stroll along the river.” Kara took out two cups and proceeded to put two tea bags in. “We came across Nia with her family on the river bank and we talked with them a bit.”
“I haven’t seen Nia for a month. How has she been doing recently?”
“She’s rather busy with her major, Media Communications. Her mom gave us some cakes but we were already too full.” Kara poured hot water into the cups and then set them down on the table. “Her dad is still awkward around us. I don’t know why.”
“Yeah, he’s a bit reserved around women. He almost had an aneurysm last time I picked up his hat.” Eliza laughed, definitely thinking back on the funny moment. “He blushed so hard and apologized to me for bothering me with his hat getting in the way.”
“He’s a bit weird but harmless, I guess.” Kara snickered along. “Can you imagine ukr being like that?”
Eliza’s eyes widened in disbelief. “Absolutely never. Your ukr would not be shy around people he’s known for some time like that. Maybe to strangers, but everyone would be a bit shy around strangers anyway.”
“That I can relate,” Kara remarked with a nod. She sipped the tea, enjoying the sense of herbal floating into her nostrils.
“I wonder what your man would be like.”
Kara nearly died from choking by Eliza’s sudden change of subject. She set the cup down and violently coughed out the hot drop of tea that got into her airway. “ je'ju! You shouldn’t be scaring me like that.”
“What’s so scary about it, Kara?” Eliza laughed, tapping on Kara’s back to help. “You’re at the dating age and maybe soon you’ll find someone.”
The name ‘Lena’ appeared in Kara’s mind and she shook her head. “You know I’m not dating anyone.”
“Not at the moment. Who knows, right? The right man might just be right in front of you tomorrow.” Eliza shrugged innocently. Kara mentally slapped herself at the idea of even being with a man. In seventh grade, she was peer-pressured into telling her friends which boy she had a crush on — because obviously she must have had a crush on a boy — so she said the name of the most popular boy in school to make it believable. Somehow he had a crush on her and she was forced to go on a date with him after school. It had been so awkward. He was holding her hand and even leaned in for a kiss. Kara was about to throw up half-way into the most disgusting reenact of a kiss when his phone rang and he had to go home. He walked home with her that afternoon. Jeremiah beat her up so badly that her nose didn’t stop bleeding for the next day. She had to stay home until the bleeding stopped and during the next week that boy actually had to move away. Kara never saw him again.
She knew for sure men weren’t for her ever since. On one hand was that disgusting kiss and on the other hand was how vile Jeremiah was to her. He didn’t even know about the kiss but he assumed her of whoring around just by the fact that there was this boy walking three meters behind her. Then as her nose bled so hard she couldn’t eat, he started to apologize and said that he only wanted the best for her.
Kara never let herself get acquainted with or near any man ever again. Jeremiah was the biggest example of how she couldn’t trust anybody. When he was in a good mood, everything was possible. He would give her the world. But when something went the way he didn’t like, Kara was only the punching bag. Kara couldn’t befriend or even have a normal conversation with a strange boy around Jeremiah. And it got even worse that even women wouldn’t escape his skeptical eyes.
The first years that Kara befriended Sam, Jeremiah hated Sam. He said that Sam was not polite enough or that she was lesbian, just by the fact that she was always dressing casually. Kara had endured his bullshit about her friends so much but up until the point where he was throwing a tantrum about how Kara would also become a lesbian like Sam and forbade her from hanging out with Sam again, she had fought him so hard, verbally and physically, to keep this great friend in her circle. Jeremiah always said that he hated his own brother who dictated and controlled the lives of his kids but he was the exact same. He was even worse since he was aware of his behavior yet kept defending it, saying it was being cautious and that he was protecting her.
It was all just bullshit. He couldn’t stand anyone spending quality time with Kara. Period. He was sick in the head with his fucked up obsession over her, and through that Kara was kind of fucked up too.
“There is no right man for me. And I won’t get married,” Kara responded factually. “I mean, the one marriage that should be the example for me was between you and ukr and it’s terrible.”
“Kara,” Eliza spoke, sounded apologetic. “It doesn’t have to be the same for you.”
“I don’t know.” Kara said quietly as she looked away. “But with the way we are at the moment, there is no way I should think differently.”
“I’m sorry, Kara.”
She turned around to look at her mother. Eliza had this guilty look on her face that hurt Kara so much. It was what Kara needed to avoid. She didn’t continue to stay home so that her mother still felt guilty about anything. “I’m fine this way, je’ju . It’s okay.”
“But you deserve to have someone. You deserve to have love.”
A sad smile crept onto Kara’s lips. Her mind thought back on Lena again and her impossible need to have Lena in touch but would never be able to touch her in person. It still hurt greatly, but what would be new? She knew her mother was putting hope in a future where Kara would find someone she loved and they loved her back, but Eliza’s efforts would be fruitless. Kara had never felt any kind of romantic feelings strongly towards anyone before until Lena, and Lena was out of reach.
“You too, je’ju . You deserve a more peaceful life.” Kara turned the aim back at her mother. It was painful enough to think about her own future.
“Kara…”
“No, je’ju , you do. I’ll do my best to give you that life.”
“Don’t forget about yourself, Kara. You’re important too.”
Kara didn’t say anything back. She only gave Eliza a smile. The smile that she put on when it hurt and she couldn’t show. The smile she used to hide away her soul. Kara had stopped being important the moment Jeremiah laid hands on her. She was left with being only the sole shield keeping her mentally exhausted mother and defenseless little sister from being torn apart under the fists of the horrible man who hated the fact that Kara was no longer just taking hits and started fighting back.
_____________
“Luke, say hello to grandpa!”
The boy whose name was called didn’t budge from his focus on the favorite toy. Lena held the phone back to face her, apologetically said, “He’s not paying any attention whenever he’s playing.”
-Try to talk more with him. He needs help from you,- Lionel responded, pulling back the camera a bit. - You already don’t talk much. Now for Luke, you have to.-
“I know, Dad.” Lena nodded, taking a look at Luke again, feeling heavy on the chest. “He has been doing well in kindergarten. Everyone loves him.”
-Has he been talking more?-
“Not really. Ah, he learned the words ‘moon’ and ‘rainbow’. Earlier on the way home, there was a rainbow and he got so excited. He kept pointing at it and yelling ‘rainbow, rainbow’ for like ten minutes.” Lena couldn’t help but feel proud of her little boy, who was learning new words every day and surprised her all the time.
-Little Luke is so smart! Is he small compared to other kids in kindergarten?-
“No, Dad. Sure, he’s one of the youngest, but he’s not any smaller in size. And some of the older ones still have to use diapers. Luke doesn’t need diapers anymore.” It was a risky move the first time Lena let Luke just go loose without diapers, but to her surprise and glee, he didn’t piss his pants that afternoon and even at night he didn’t wet the bed. As long as he went to the bathroom before bed, Luke would sleep through without any issue.
-Oh, very good. I’m so happy for him.- Lionel smiled brightly from ear to ear. Lena loved it when she would be able to update a progress that Luke made. Her father was always the biggest fan of Luke’s development. It also put an immense pressure on her to not fail both Luke and Lionel everyday.
When Lena was with Luke at her parents’ for almost half a year back when Luke was around one and a half years old, Luke was sick for a few weeks. It was just coughing and a runny nose but it went on for so long that her family got so worried and they got him to the hospital. Lena’s mom was with her on that visit. During a check up with the doctor, Luke didn’t respond to any of the questions from the doctor like any other kids. The doctor had asked Lena how old he was and when the doctor found out, she had told Lena that she should get Luke checked for either hearing loss or autism.
“If you don’t get him checked, he might not ever be able to go to school.”
It was so scary for Lena to hear that. She was already under the pressure that Luke was so small, and now there was the possibility of Luke having a condition that he would have to live with his entire life and Lena had no experience in dealing with.
Lena had been sobbing hard that night, holding Luke as he was sleeping peacefully in her arms. Her boy was so tiny, so vulnerable. He had no idea what was going on. It was her fault for not being chatty with him. It was her fault for having him so early. It was her fault for not feeding him enough. Lena was on the verge of a mental breakdown until Lilian and Lionel came into the room and sat down with her to encourage her. They both said that they should bring him to other doctors to check properly first before anything.
“And if he would be deaf, autistic, or even both. Or any other things. We would do our best in helping him. He will be fine, Lena. He has you, Jack and both of the families. He won’t be alone.”
Lena’s dad’s words stayed in her heart the entire time. They brought Luke to a professional to test, and they came down to the conclusion that Luke had perfectly normal hearing and some atypical development delay. It was still on time to intervene. They suggested that he should get used to seeing photos of objects to learn vocabulary. She had gotten him all of the photos and objects she could get her hands on. Luke was quick with pictures and he did learn more words, though his attention was as short as usuals.
-How are you lately, Ladybug?-
Lena’s lips split into a big grin. She loved it when her father called her with the childhood nickname. It made her feel safe and small again. “I’m good, Dad.”
-Eat more vegetables. And drink water. Your skin seems a bit dry.-
That had to earn a laugh from Lena. Lionel, the man who would fuck up the world for her, was paying attention to her skincare. “Dad, the air here has been a bit bad recently. Don’t worry, I’m hydrated.”
-Well, you better. You’re living so far away from your family, you must take care of yourself. Jack has to do that too but he’s away for work most of the time. Does he say anything about our family?-
Lena wondered if she should tell her dad. Jack — being as independent as he wanted to be — wasn’t very okay with the way her parents were talking about how to raise a child. Lena’s point of view was that it was always good to learn. But for Jack, he wanted to be able to do things his way. He didn’t really listen to his own parents anyway, but he wasn’t openly opposed or criticizing them either. About Lena’s parents, Jack did say that they had been coddling and pampered her her entire life so they would want to steer the wheel now with Luke too.
Honestly, Lena was torn between the sides and she didn’t want to stick to anyone. Both had their own reasons and she could understand both, but she also wanted both sides to take down a notch and compromise a bit. She hated to displease others especially when this tug-of-war would only make her exhausted and stressed.
“No, Dad. He didn’t say anything.” Lena decided to keep the peace. Her dad didn’t need to know Jack’s comment.
-Good. He should learn how to listen to elders. He’s so much older than you and he already forgot about it.-
Lena didn’t add anything on that. It would be best to separate the two worlds rather than trying to mix it up. Generational differences could never be properly dissolved anyway.
After the video call with Lionel, Lena unpacked everything from the suitcase while Jack was in the backyard with Luke. It was a rare moment that she got to spend some time by herself, even though just inside the space of her home.
‘How was the trip?’
Kara wrote Lena hours after she had written her that she had come back home. Lena wondered why it took so long for Kara to respond. Then she explained to herself that Kara must have been busy with her family or university work tomorrow. Kara had to be in a group project so it made sense that Kara wouldn’t be able to reply as quickly as usuals.
‘It was fine. The food was good. Luke had a great time and he slept the entire trip back.’
‘Sounds good. You? Did you have a good time too?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Great. Maybe you could have another trip soon.’
Somehow the tone in Kara’s response sounded rather… sarcastic. Lena was perplexed by her own perception of the sentence. Why would Kara be sarcastic? Kara would want her to have a good time.
Right?
‘Maybe.’
‘Great.’
Again with the sarcasm. Lena frowned at the short response that somehow came across like a taunt. Kara would not be taunting her. There was no reason to do so. And not like she didn’t have a good time herself.
‘And your time at the party was good, right? That girl who was initially annoying but later on she’s chill.’
Lena’s mind reminded her of the annoyance she had felt when Kara casually got in the car of a stranger after spending like two hours with them.
‘Yep. I had a great time.’
The urge to find out what came of the number exchange overcame Lena’s hands.
‘I thought so too. Did she write you?’
Kara’s reply came after a few minutes. As a hunch, Lena had a feeling what the answer would be, and when it was confirmed, she couldn’t keep a frown away from her brows.
‘Yep.’
Lena’s eyes narrowed.
‘Are you writing her right now?’
‘I was. But now I’m writing to you.’
‘Why? You can just continue to write her. No need to stop to write me.’
‘Well, she needs to do something so now I’m writing you.’
Lena’s heart stopped for a moment. So you haven’t been writing me back because you were busy writing the other girl.
‘Okay.’
It wasn’t reasonable, Lena knew. It was totally normal that Kara would be writing to other people besides Lena and she had always been fine with that. Why did it bother her now ? What was so special about this girl that Kara couldn’t respond to Lena simultaneously? Why did Kara want to spend her entire focus on this random person? Why? Why? Why?
‘Are you okay?’
‘Yes. Why wouldn’t I be?’
‘I don’t know. You sound mad. Do you want me to stop writing her?’
‘I didn’t say anything about that.’
‘Clearly you’re bothered by it though. Usually you would just answer in the next minute but you just didn’t for like ten minutes.’
‘Well, I was busy unpacking. Sorry.’
‘Okay then, I won’t distract you.’
‘It’s fine. We can keep writing.’
The conversation came to a short pause. Lena expected Kara would write something like ‘okay’ but her friend surprised her.
‘Are you upset that I was writing her?’
The fact that the question was very direct got Lena stunned for a moment before scrambling for a reply. Lena was indeed bothered by it and Kara could see her through. But she had no reason to be upset over it. What should she reply with?
‘No.’
____________
Kara glared at the phone, shaking her head slightly. Who was Lena trying to fool? The annoyance in Lena’s words was so thick it could be cut with a butter knife. She hated it when Lena was pretending to be something she wasn’t.
Throughout the day, Kara had thought about what she told Lena and how it was weird to just make up something like that. She had decided to tell Lena the truth but the way Lena responded didn’t sit well with her at all.
“Why? You can just continue to write her. No need to stop to write me.”
It got on Kara’s nerves how Lena got bothered by Kara having anyone writing besides her. Sure, it wasn’t real, but since when Lena became so possessive? It reminded her of her father, who would probably control all of the contacts Kara had if he could.
She needed to figure it out why. And she pressed on.
‘So it would be fine if I continue to write her?’
‘Sure. You can write whoever you want. No need for my permission.’
Kara groaned at the sarcasm. What the hell was Lena even doing?
‘I’m not asking for your permission, lol. Just a question, you don’t have to be sarcastic about it.’
‘I’m not being sarcastic. Just stating facts. You have other friends to write to. Not just me, right? So write away.’
‘True. I’ll write her. I’ll be busy then.’
‘Sure.’
It was almost hilarious the way Lena was behaving. It was like she was five years old. A sulking baby.
‘You know, you could write to two people at the same time, right? Like you don’t have to choose one.’
‘Well, I want to spend my attention on the one who’s worth it.’
Kara truly meant it. If it was in her powers, Lena would have gotten all of her attention and time of the day. Sadly her aunt was calling her earlier to rant about her life and every time she did that it would take at least two hours before she was calm enough to listen to Kara. She had gone through all that so that later on she could write Lena in peace, and yet she met with this ridiculous attitude. It was unacceptable.
‘Oh, okay. Then have fun writing with her. I’m sure she’s very worthy of your time.’
‘What is that supposed to mean?’
‘It’s what you said, right? You only want to spend your sole attention for who’s worth it.’
‘Okay?’
‘So why are you even writing me right now?’
‘The fuck are you on? Why do you think then, hmm?’
It drove Kara insane just how much of a hoop Lena had jumped without seeing things clearly right under her nose. Kara was literally writing to her at the moment and she was sulking about this imaginary girl — who obviously could never matter more than Lena even if she had existed — meanwhile she was having all of Kara’s heart and soul.
Okay, Lena wasn’t aware of her feelings, but was she that dense?
Kara spent hours and hours chatting with Lena, despite her life being such a chaotic mess because Lena was the most constant person in her life who didn’t demand anything more than what Kara could give. And now she was being so inconsiderate and questioned her importance in Kara’s life over what, someone she never even knew about?
‘You only write me now since she is busy. What else?’
‘What else? You are the dumbest person in the world!’
‘Okay then go and chat with your new best friend who is surely smarter than me!’
‘I will! And stop yelling!’
‘You yelled at me first!’
‘You want me to go chat with her?’
‘Yes. Go.’
‘Fine. I’ll go.’
‘Good. Have fun.’
Not knowing what the heck to say, Kara picked out the thumb up emoji to send and turned off the phone. Her knee began to ache again, of course. It started to become so unbearable but Kara had thought she would be able to go through tonight without painkillers. She was wrong. Lena’s childish attitude made everything worse.
Kara crawled down to the bunk under her bed and fished out three painkillers and chugged them all down with gulps of water. Then she threw herself onto the bed and gritted her teeth. She knew it. She knew that she didn’t deserve a single moment of peace ever. Even Lena could do something like this if she wasn’t being how Lena wanted her to be.
This physical and emotional pain.
This was what she actually deserved.