Chapter 5
Luke’s soft snoring got Lena’s eyes to lift up from the phone. She smiled at the view of a sleeping Luke in his kid’s seat, with a supporting pillow wrapping around his neck, propping up his chubby cheeks and making them look so kissable even more. Lena reached out and scrubbed his curly hair, enjoying the sensation of being able to touch her little boy. She had been writing the update of her story on the phone ever since Jack started driving, and her eyes needed a short rest.
A road trip wasn’t as stressful as before, when Luke was so much younger and his digestive system didn’t adjust to traveling well. He would puke after every bottle of milk and turn the car’s inferior space into a puke smell bomb. Now that he was a bit older, Luke would be able to sleep through most of the drive and always wake up as soon as the car stopped. He was so sharp with movements, as for the car or for Lena’s bladder emergencies. Every time she left the bed, Luke would eventually wake up from his nap and call out to her frantically. He would cry if she shut the bathroom door and stopped him from looking in. To earn herself some peace, Lena had to sacrifice some of her privacy away. So she left the door unlocked and Luke would always appear like a little duckling following their mom.
When Lena returned to writing the chapter, she dropped by the chat with Kara to ask how everything was going. It wasn’t often that her friend would be at a party and Lena could tell how anxiety inducing the event would be. Kara’s last message was that she was on the way to Sam’s.
The road was rather crowded today. Everyone seemed to want to be elsewhere for this weekend as well. It would have been great if she could be one of the people who was in charge of their own little vacation one day. All of the trips were Jack’s ideas. Her ideas usually would stay in her mind and get given birth through the form of stories. Lena’s eyes dropped down to the half-written chapter and continued with the train of thoughts about the characters and how they should be communicating with each other. She wanted to write a meet-cute that she would love to have in real life.
Lena used to daydream about what it would be like to meet that person. She would love to have this love/hate relationship to a certain someone who would have been annoying but always stayed on her mind. Or she would love to experience that anxiety of opening her heart up to someone about her feelings for them and watch how it went down. Maybe just the usual friends-to-lovers trope that she had seen in movies and shows over and over. Something just like that.
Jack cleared his throat, bringing Lena back to reality. She smiled to herself, scolding her brain for getting into imagination. What was she even thinking about? She had a husband and a son now, it was time to exclude herself from such worlds where things like that only existed in fiction. And yes, she was one of those who created such fictional worlds for herself and others to enjoy.
It’s too late for me now.
With that certain thought, Lena typed on in silence, burying herself in the universe where anything could happen in her powers. She had gotten around five thousand words when the car came to a halt. They were pretty close to the residence of Jack’s friend.
Lena took a look at Luke, who was still sleeping, and thought to herself that her son would be up very late today. It would be a good thing for him too, to have other children around and a change of scenery. It was something Lena couldn’t give him on her own.
She had tried. There was a group of parents in the city where they lived who would gather twice a week for a casual playtime for the kids before they got into kindergarten. Lena had brought Luke there even though she knew nobody and hoped that Luke would start playing with the kids around his age. Luke didn’t do any of that, though he was enjoying himself playing alone. Lena tried to have him engaged in other activities but after he found a slide, he only busied himself with it the entire time. Other parents came to introduce themselves and their kids, and Lena did the same. She could tell that they all noticed the difference in Luke and somehow it was scary. Lena had a feeling that they were silently judging him or her or both of them for the lack of communication. She ignored all of the silent comments that occurred inside her head that could have been just her mind’s doing and continued to keep an eye on Luke as he played by himself.
When the parents gathered their kids around into a circle and started singing children’s songs, Lena and Luke also joined them. But instead of staying at the circle, Luke crawled forward to stay in the center and laid down there with a cheeky smile, looking up at the ceiling and making sounds loudly whenever he felt like it. Nobody said anything about it but Lena was sweating so hard. Luke was just being Luke but Lena could already sense his difference when it came to group activities. He didn’t understand the purpose of following others or joining others and that worried Lena a lot. In the back of her mind, the results of his symptoms that she had read on the internet began to resurface. It scared Lena so much that after that play date, she never returned to the gathering ever again.
Luke behaved the same way at Jack’s friend’s house. They weren’t surprised anymore after the first time and they all said the same thing as Jack did, that Luke was just a late bloomer. They also stated a lot of examples where kids from the families they were acquainted with would also have speech delay and they all went on to speak so well later on. It gave Lena some hope that one day Luke would be able to tell her about his day or just respond to her questions more than five words at a time.
“Mama. Mama. Mama.” Luke ran to Lena and grabbed her hand. He wanted her to follow him. She was sitting on the couch, watching the news along with the wife and children of Eugene, Jack’s friend.
“Yes, Luke?” Lena stood up to go with him.
He led her to a cupboard and looked at the decorations on the top. “Mama. Moon.” A surge of pride rose in her when she realized this word was new for him. Surely he must have learned it from kindergarten.
“Yes, the moon.” Lena turned to him. “But that’s not a toy, Luke. It’s a crystal block.”
“Moon. Moon.” Luke hopped on his feet, pointing at the painting excitedly. He clearly wanted to play with it. Lena couldn’t just take it and give it to him, so she picked him up and brought him closer to the crystal. He leaned forward, trying to grab it.
“Luke, you can only look at it. It’s heavy and it could be broken. It’s not a toy to play with.” Lena tried to reason with him but of course he didn’t understand.
“What does he want?” Eugene’s wife, Rachel, came over to check and saw that Luke was eyeing the crystal. “The moon? He can play with it.” She took the crystal and put it on the floor. Luke asked to get down on the floor and began to play with the moon.
“I don’t want him to break it,” Lena joined him on the floor and said apologetically.
“Don’t worry,” Rachel said, rubbing Luke’s hair. “Luke isn’t naughty and he only visits from time to time so he can play with anything.”
Lena exhaled, keeping an eye close on Luke’s movements, waiting to catch it if Luke happened to throw the crystal. He never really did stuff like that anywhere, but you could never be so sure with a child around this age. “It’s good for him to be around kids but he somehow only plays with Hope and Kate. He doesn’t really join the kids in kindergarten.” She mentioned Rachel and Eugene’s two girls.
“Hope and Kate are so much older than him and they know how to lead him into the playing. What does he do in kindergarten if he doesn’t play?” Rachel asked, as she pulled out more toys from the toy box of her children. She set down some cars and trains and moved them around to gain Luke’s attention. Luke took a look and then dived into the toy box to find a certain thing. Lena supposed that he was looking for a specific toy that he liked from his last visit.
“The teacher said he would stay in the book corner where stuffed toys would be and have one toy in his hand that he liked and just chill there. When he had any issue, he would come to one of the teachers and try to climb on them like he did on me. The good thing is that he’s not afraid of them anymore.” Lena grabbed a dragon and flipped its wings. That got Luke’s attention right away.
“Ah, dragon. Wing,” Luke said enthusiastically and came to the dragon, flapping the wings with a big smile. Lena noticed that he liked such motions in things. All of the toys that he had gotten, usually there would always be some kind of strings or surfaces that could do the same repeated movements.
It didn’t help beating the suspicion that Luke might be on the autistic spectrum in her. Lena had never come across an autistic child before except for the ones she had seen in movies, but she doubted that the depiction would be accurate. Worse, the way the word autism was spoken around her was made into some kind of bad luck. Lena could not handle Luke having such a treatment. He was so innocent and pure, he should be able to live in a world where he was accepted as how he was. That was all that she wanted for him.
Her phone got a notification for a text some time later that day. When she knew it was from Kara, Lena’s heart lit up a bit. She hadn’t heard any updates from her friend since the morning and it was now the afternoon.
‘What are you doing?’
‘I was giving Luke a bath. Now everyone is getting ready for dinner later. You? I haven’t heard from you for hours. Is everything okay?’
It took like ten minutes before Kara replied. ‘Yeah, just so many people. I don’t know most of them. I’m sitting in a corner.’
‘Aw, try to relax. Maybe eat something.’
‘Yeah, I’m feeding on some chips for hours. Sam even asked me if I’m okay since I don’t chat much with anyone.’
‘When would the party be over?’
‘Not for another few hours.’
‘You got this.’
‘Thanks. It wouldn’t be too much if this girl doesn’t try to talk to me.’
‘Which girl?’
‘No idea. One of Sam’s colleagues. She saw me standing by myself and just came over to have small talk. It’s so annoying when people do that. Do I look like I want to chat?’
‘Maybe you can pretend to be busy with your phone and she’ll go away.’
‘I can’t do such things. It’s rude. I’ll just nod and smile, I guess.’
‘Good luck. I’m right here if you need me.’
‘Okay, thank you. I’ll have to put my phone away now. She’s noticed that I’m writing to someone and she’s asking.’
Lena bit her lip, getting slightly worried. Kara seemed to be on edge. A lot of the times where Kara had to socialize with people, she would come back exhausted. Lena was saddened to see that because Kara was already so tired with her family’s constant need to be assisted, and then she was under pressure to put on a performance for other people to not become rude. Lena would have never let anyone intrude her peace like that. Sure, she would have been rude to people, but they weren’t as important as her peace of mind. If she would be too tired to entertain anyone, why should she sacrifice her own energy to heal others when she couldn’t heal herself.
One of the things she knew for sure in Kara was that Kara would always put others first, even though it would actively put herself in jeopardy. It was something Lena admired of Kara but also frustrated her the most. She wished that Kara could stand up for her own needs the way she wanted Lena to open her mouth for herself. They were facing different obstacles in everyday issues, but somehow they were similar in this.
“Lena, come and have a seat. Everything’s ready,” Rachel called out to her. Lena looked up to give the woman a nod and she put the phone away.
They were having a mini grill on the table. There were a lot of options: corn, ham, sausages, chicken breasts, chickpeas, beef, tuna, bacon, cheese and mushrooms. Everyone would get their own mini grill palette with handles and they could pick out what combination they wanted for their grill. Luke had had his own favorite sausages along with some corn and sprinkled cheese so Lena got for herself a little bit of everything to try out. In the end, she decided that the simple combination of tuna, corn and cheese would be the best for her.
After getting into the grill for a bit, everyone slowed down with the excitement of food and started chatting. Eugene asked Jack about a car deal that he had received to see if it was good or not since Rachel needed a bigger car or a van to drive the whole family around.
“I don’t understand why you don’t get a driver license,” Jack said to Eugene, putting down the offer paper. “You can definitely drive well.”
“He could but he wouldn’t,” Rachel interjected with an eyeroll. “He reversed the car into the pavement once and he’s afraid of driving for life.”
“I’m not afraid of driving, only parking. It’s so difficult,” Eugene defended himself, picking up another beer. “Rachel does that so much better than me so she should be the one driving.”
“Then get yourself a car with an assist parking system, like the one Lena has,” Jack pointed towards Lena. “She hasn’t been driving a lot but she doesn’t have any trouble with the parking thanks to the reverse camera.”
“He’s right. I only need help with the reserve because I can’t tell how close I would be with the car right behind me. But other than that, it isn’t impossible.” Lena got Luke another glass of Coke and after two gulps, Luke climbed off the chair to continue playing with the dragon in the living room. “Having a car is good. I don’t really get out much, only for groceries. If I could drive and park, you could too, Eugene.”
Eugene laughed. “Rachel has been waiting for you guys to come here and gang up on me. Honestly I’ll get Rachel a big van since she needs to drive the kids. I have been going to work by bus for years. If the system isn’t broken, don’t fix it.” He shrugged as his wife groaned.
“Of course the system isn’t broken for you, you don’t have to get the car to the workshop or refuel it every two weeks. You can just stay home and chill while I have to drag my ass out of the house in the cold to pick up the kids from piano practice.” Rachel turned to Lena and said with envy. “You’re so lucky that Jack always tries to take on a lot of stuff and lets you rest in peace.”
Lena had heard the same thing over and over, from Jack’s family to her family and his friends, that she was so lucky to have him, that she found such a rare and good man who would work all day and provide so his wife could stay home. To be honest, she had gotten pretty sick of hearing it, but she had to admit that objectively Jack was a good option among every other man she had encountered. All of the uncles and men around her would never treat their wives the way Jack did. The only man she knew and adored was her father Lionel. He had come from a poor working family with seven children, losing his mom at a young age and did his best to become a business owner who could provide his family with the best quality. Jack also started his own career far away from hometown and studied well to become an engineer. He had a lot in common with Lionel, hence Lena thought that having him as a husband would be the best chance for her in life. It could be said that Lena idolized both Lionel and Jack the same way, and she was comfortable in letting them take the lead while she stayed back and did not interfere with them.
Yet somehow that didn’t sit well with her parents sometimes. Her mother, Lilian, had said that ever since Lena got married to Jack, she had stopped listening to them. Lena had thought that it was exaggerated because the life she had now was linked to Jack. If she followed her parents’ words and opposed Jack, then it would only make life harder for not only her and Jack but also Luke. Her parents had been proud of how Lena was an obedient child and understood how Lena chose Jack because he was a lot like Lionel, but now they didn’t like that she stopped listening to them and started listening to Jack. Lena truly couldn’t please everyone. The only two people who didn’t tell her what to do besides her younger siblings would be Luke and Kara. Luke was a child, and Kara would get frustrated but she never forced Lena into choosing or doing something. She would voice out if Lena was doing something dumb, but she didn’t dictate Lena at any point. It was something Lena loved about Kara, even when she was being harsh.
“Tell me again how you guys met,” Eugene said, intrigued. “I couldn’t believe at first that you were so young when you married him.”
“Right? When I saw your picture, I thought you were fifteen,” Rachel added, a look of disbelief on her face. “Jack’s mom was here, I believe, to ask our opinion about two girls that she liked, to see which one Jack should go for.”
Lena arched an eyebrow at Jack, who was obviously choking on his final bite. “ Two ?”
Swallowing the bite, Jack smiled as he rubbed her back as if he was afraid of her. “C’mon, it’s a long time ago. Don’t be mad.”
“I’m not mad,” Lena said truthfully. “I’m curious. I have always thought your mom was pursuing me only.”
“Oops,” Eugene covered his mouth and then came to Jack’s side. “Of course it doesn't mean anything now since you guys are married. But back then, when his mom was here, she was torn between two options: Lena and another girl who’s — I believe — two years older than Lena.”
“Yeah. Her name was Danielle or Dorothy or something starting with a D,” Rachel rubbed her chin, trying to remember.
“Guys, it doesn’t matter now what her name was. The point is that I liked Lena more.” Jack put down the bottle of beer to grab both of Lena’s shoulders. She ignored that.
“Do tell me more about this,” Lena asked Eugene with a big smile. “What was she torn about? What happened?”
“Well, she came to both houses and had Jack come over to get to know the daughters. She had photos of both of you, and she showed them to me and asked what I thought of just by the first glance.” Eugene points on the table as if he was reliving the memory. “Lena was looking very young. I mean, she looks young still, but back then she seemed even younger. I even had to ask if she was over eighteen.”
It made Lena a bit uncomfortable. She was fully aware that she was very young, but hearing the remark of someone outside of the family saying how truly young she was, Lena could sense the shift of her mood inside. She truly gave up her freedom so early in life, if by the time of their marriage she didn’t even look like she was old enough. But she didn’t show any reaction and asked, “What about the other girl?”
“She was only two years older than you but she looked more mature. Her face was sharp and the way she dressed was also more mature. You know I’m into Chinese face reading, yeah? I basically read from the photos. The other girl was more certain in life and all, but her features showed that if Jack married her, she would be the one to be — for the lack of better terms — tamed. She would be like those traditional wives who take care of their husbands, listen to him and would not oppose him. She would basically put him on a pedestal.”
After taking a sip of beer, Eugene continued. “And Lena had a more innocent look, but her features would say that Jack would be the one to be tamed and — again for the lack of better word — serving you. You are stubborn and have your own mind, regardless of how you would appear. And you are very jealous.”
The final addition of face reading surprised Lena. “Very jealous?” She had never been jealous about any of Jack’s ex-girlfriends. If there was any jealousy, it was how he had gotten to experience so much before her.
“Very. But that didn’t come from your face, though.” Rachel laughed and pointed at Lena’s plate, specifically at the spot where she got the chili sauce on. “You can handle spiciness very well. There is a saying that the better someone is at eating spicy food, the more jealous they are. You always add something spicy to your food, Lena.”
Lena didn’t really notice that but she nodded anyway. “Well, I don’t know if that’s true, honestly.”
“Well, I’m scared,” Jack snickered joyfully. “I have been playing before but as soon as I settled down, I’m completely all about my wife.”
“But why didn’t you choose the other girl, though?” Lena asked him, genuinely confused. The face reading seemed to put the other girl as the better option for him, yet he married Lena.
“Well, everything was good until I mentioned marriage. You know that my mom wanted me to get married as soon as possible, right? The other girl was in her second year of university and she said she wouldn’t want to get married right away. She wanted to graduate and find jobs to help out her family. It would be too late for me and my mom. She also said that I was too bossy.” Jack rolled his eyes and asked Lena. “You have been with me for years. Have you ever seen me being bossy? I always let you do whatever you want, right?”
At that moment, Lena couldn’t recall any moment where Jack was being bossy, so she only nodded.
“Also I liked you better,” he added.
“Because?”
“Because you’re the type who doesn’t party or spend lots of money on luxuries even though your family is well-off. You’re humble and you don’t ask for much. That’s what I like in women.”
Somehow at the end of the conversation, Lena never felt any lucky despite people kept telling her so. Instead, she was rather annoyed by how Jack described what he liked about her. He didn’t like something that she was, only something she represented. A type of person. Jack later said that Lena was very clumsy so it left an impression on him.
It was not how Lena liked to see herself. She was only an option, an impression, an ideal image. And the fact that there was nothing too special about her as Lena herself that he would name was hurtful. Lena didn’t want her life to become insignificant or forgotten. She had to at least leave something valuable so that she could die one day knowing she wasn’t completely useless. It was something she tried to avoid thinking about, but from time to time, she did.
______
After dinner, as Lena was sitting with Luke while Jack and Eugene’s family were having a cake, she pulled out her phone to check up on Kara. She hadn’t written Kara while she was still in a bad mood since her friend was stuck in an uncomfortable situation already.
‘You okay? Are you still at the party?’
The reply came a bit later. ‘Yeah. But I’m getting ready to go.’
‘Is the girl still there?’
‘Yeah.’ After a short pause, Kara added. ‘She’s asking for my number.’
The detail surprised Lena and somehow it made her uneasy. She didn’t like it when the people who were making Kara uncomfortable pushed even further just because Kara wouldn’t say that they should leave her alone.
‘What does she even want? Doesn’t she have any other friend around? Why is she bothering only you?’
‘No, it’s okay. She’s actually not so bad. Kinda funny to talk to.’
Lena’s brows furrowed at the sudden change of tone that Kara had about this random girl. Just a few hours ago Kara was so annoyed by her and now she even complimented her and enjoyed her presence. Lena couldn’t put into words why but it bothered her so much.
‘So did you give her your number?’
‘Yeah, why not? She’s not so stressful to talk to. I don’t mind her anymore.’
The pang of annoyance began to grow in Lena strangely. She huffed and put her phone down on her thighs, sensing that her heartbeat was racing. Placing one hand on her left chest, she felt confused by her own body’s reaction to how the conversation was going.
What is going on? Why do I feel so uncomfortable? This is Kara. Why would I feel uncomfortable around Kara?
‘You okay?’
Kara’s text startled Lena. She checked the time and realized that she hadn’t written back for fifteen minutes. Quick, come up with something.
‘I had to take Luke to the bathroom, sorry. Yeah, I’m okay.’
‘Okay. I’m going home.’
‘Be safe, please. It’s rather dark outside and it’s cold too.’
‘She’s driving me home. I’ll be fine.’
Oh. Lena’s fingers froze in front of the information. There was a weird lump in her throat just reading the text. This random girl just appeared in Kara’s presence and somehow turned Kara’s initial annoyance into such a comfort that Kara even let her take her home. Who was this person? What did she do? And why did Lena feel so shit even though Kara getting driven home would be so much safer than by bus?
‘Be safe still. You don’t know this girl very well.’
‘Well, what can she really do to me? Anyway, she’s waiting. I’ll text you when I’m home, okay?’
‘Okay.’
Lena dropped her phone down onto the couch and pressed the crunched brows with her fingers, trying to smooth it. There was such a weight in her chest, growing bit by bit every time she read a new text from Kara earlier. It was so much worse than the way she had felt when Jack basically said she was just an option to him. Such fire in her she had never felt before, it made her uneasy and upset. And angry.
What’s going on with me?
Why do I feel like punching something?
Why does it bother me so much that this random chick just shows up and derails Kara’s plan of having a quiet night and then going home?
Kara was not someone who was open with random people chatting with her like this, so perhaps this girl was able to get through that spike wall and got to see the softness inside. Lena couldn’t decide if she hated the idea that a person out of nowhere could do something so special or that she absolutely hated it.
She felt so selfish. Kara was a good person and she was really loveable. More people should know that about her.
Exactly.
There was nothing to be bothered by.
Kara knew how to judge characters. Surely she wouldn’t open up to someone if they meant anything ill.
Exactly.
There was nothing to be pissed about.
Absolutely nothing.
Perhaps Lena had gone to bed that day with the heavy weight on her chest.
Perhaps Lena had to force her eyelids close so that she would finally fall asleep.
Perhaps Lena was still very affected by something that should have been “nothing”.