Chapter 4
Kara woke up with a bludgeoning headache. She opened her eyes and found darkness. The only source of light was the dim haze coming from the space between the window and the curtain right at the foot of her bed. Squinting her eyes, Kara turned to her side and slowly pushed herself up. She looked at her phone, cursing under her breath that she had slept for too long. Usually Kara wouldn’t be able to sleep for more than two hours, yet today she woke up at 4:56 am, meaning she almost slept for three hours. Her body wasn’t used to such a long period of sleep so the headache was definitely the consequence.
Kara arched her body, trying to stretch a bit before laying back down. She had to go to class today at eight o’clock so there were hours until she had to actually get ready. Kara already dreaded the thought of going to the university and seeing Linda again. They were born from the same womb, raised by the same family, yet they turned out to be so different that Linda and Kara being twins should have been a glitch. Linda was outgoing, loud and openly opinionated. Kara was always more reserved and stuck to herself more.
Linda came out to Kara first, and then the other siblings and finally Eliza. She would probably never tell Jeremiah. That man was not going to make anyone more special than him and Kara doubted that her father would be so thrilled having two openly lesbian daughters.
Alex had always been so sure of her attraction to women. It was also the reason Jeremiah targeted her when she was still living with them. Jeremiah blamed everyone but himself that his first born daughter was a lesbian, even though there was nobody at fault for it. Linda and Kara had always tried to help but they were helpless themselves, so when Alex inevitably moved out, they tried to convince her to stay.
“I’m so tired of getting punished for existing. You guys have to save yourselves too. You will understand it one day.”
Kara could not understand. Alex had her reasons, but to Kara, she was selfish. Her girlfriend — Maggie — was actually Kara’s friend first. She was a few years older and they met in a night school for Kryptonian kids to come and learn about their heritage and language. Through Kara, Maggie got to know Alex and they were sneaking around during the visits with Kara’s presence. They fooled her into playing games or eating so that they could spend time together. Kara felt so betrayed when she found out about that, but eventually she forgave them and wished them the best.
Maggie was Alex’s escape. Maggie’s parents were rather chill with them dating but Eliza and especially Jeremiah were against it. Alex was only fifteen or sixteen at the time, she was so young. Maggie was too. Kara believed that they both knew it, but Maggie was the life-saving float in Alex’s life back then.
One day, Alex just took off and stayed with Maggie’s family. Suddenly, the family was down from six to five members. It sent everyone into a spiral and also when Jeremiah started drinking. Everyone got hurt by Alex’s action, but all had to postpone their feelings to worry about Jeremiah and the sudden outburst of this drunken man whenever he was feeling miserable. With Alex gone, Linda and Kara were the next in line. This was where their difference shone.
While Kara was enduring, shutting her mouth and trying her best to keep everyone safe, Linda was lashing out, openly fighting back Jeremiah and even aimed that frustration towards Eliza. They fought so much, almost everyday, over the smallest thing possible. Once Linda was old enough to apply for the government’s support of her education and housing, she took off without looking back. And she, too, told Kara the same thing about saving one’s self.
They were both so selfish. They left knowing that the abuse would only come down stronger every time Jeremiah lost control of the people around him. Kara understood that they wanted to be out. Kara wanted that, too. But how would their mom or Siobhan — a five-year-old — save themselves when take off?
Kara hated to admit it but at times where she was the one getting the heat, she also wanted to pick up and leave. But when she saw how happy her little sister and mother were enjoying a show together, or on a good day where her dad randomly brought food home with a big smile saying he had gotten a good deal at a Kryptonian restaurant, Kara’s drive to leave began to die down. There were so many bad moments and not enough good moments, but if Kara left, her family would never have another good day.
After getting ready for the day, Kara and Siobhan both got to the bus station. Siobhan’s school was on the same direction as Kara’s university, and usually Siobhan would have left later but today she asked if she could come with Kara.
“Is everything okay with you?” Kara asked as they both sat down on the bus.
“Yeah. I just don't want to go to school alone like other days.” Siobhan hugged Kara’s arm. The gesture put a smile on Kara’s face. “I’ve missed you, je .”
“Really? How so?”
“Ever since you started working I haven't gotten to watch any of our shows.”
“Oh, so you only miss me because you wanna catch up on your favorite shows. Alright, I see how it issssss .” Kara dragged out the last word to tease her sister. “I thought you missed me because you don't get to spend time with me. Oh, Rao, how hurt I am!”
“ jeeeeeee, stop. You know that's not true. We got to go out before. I can't go to the mall at all without you. Now I just have to always stay home and play on my phone.” Siobhan nudged Kara suggestively. “You have been working hard for weeks, je . Let's go to the mall this weekend and relax.”
Kara laughed, poking at Siobhan’s shoulder. “I relax or you relax?”
“Both of us. C’mon!”
“Okay, I'll see what I can do.” Kara couldn't promise something so spontaneous. She would need to ask their parents first.
“Thank you thank you thank you!” Siobhan happily exclaimed as she stood up to get off the bus. “Okay see ya tonight!”
Kara waved Siobhan goodbye and leaned back. Her mind slowly drifted into thoughts as the bus continued to drive on. She had indeed not been able to hang out with Siobhan a lot. After work or school she barely had any energy left anyway. Perhaps it was a good idea to take time to chill and rest too.
Before getting off the bus, she got a message from Lena. It was a picture of Luke in front of the kindergarten with his new hat. He was already small, and the angle from up top only made him even smaller. Lena’s shadow over him could be seen, wrapping the little boy in the shade of his mother. Kara’s heart melted at the sight. She knew Lena was shorter than her. If she would have stood next to Lena, she could probably see the top of her head. Or that was how she always teased Lena about her height anyway. The younger woman was always a bit defensive over being called short. It was hilarious to see how Lena — regardless of how needy or loud Luke would be — would not lose it, but as soon as she was called ‘tiny’, she geared up and pouted about it. Needless to say, Kara just loved teasing Lena over it. Lena also didn’t take it too seriously and always laughed about it later on. She mentioned how high her heels could be and that she could stomp Kara’s feet at any time.
Well, if we could meet, I wouldn’t mind.
The route to the university was short from the bus stop. Kara walked along the pavement and then sat down on a bench near the building where her class would be. Linda had written to her that she would be there very soon. Kara checked the clock and then received a notification for one of Lena’s stories being updated. She opened up the text section.
‘You finally updated this one. I thought you dropped it?’
‘I haven’t been able to write as much as before but now that Luke is in kindergarten, I have more time. Are you at uni yet?’
‘Yeah. I’m waiting for my twin. She’s notorious for being late but we’ll see.’
‘If it’s time to go to class, just go. She can’t make you come late like her too.’
‘Well, you don’t know how she is. Anyway, I’ll probably be busy the whole day. I’ll write you when I can, okay?’
‘Okay. Good luck and have fun studying.’
Kara sent a crying emoji as the final response to Lena and put her phone away. From the distance, she could see Linda running over to her. She waved and stood up.
“Finally, one day not being late,” Kara said sarcastically. “Did you win the lottery or something?”
“Can’t you greet me normally, biatch?” Linda rolled her eyes and wrapped one arm around Kara’s shoulder. “I was up all night finishing the assignment.”
“Me too,” Kara laughed. They both walked to class, talking about what happened during the time before they saw each other again. Linda was on a few dates and apparently met someone cool that was also on the campus. Kara didn’t comment anything on it since this was the thousandth time Linda had met someone “cool” that would keep her interested for a few weeks and then eventually they would have a fallout — aka Linda losing that very interest in the person — and she would meet someone else interesting.
Kara could never relate on the drive of meeting new people continuously. She had so much anxiety over going to the groceries already, talking to someone who wasn’t friends or family would be too overwhelming. Lena was different, but they mostly wrote to each other so Kara never felt that anxiety during their chat. That and they have never met, so the anxiety would have no space to grow on.
They both settled in class and waited for the professor. The class was rather full today, which was good for Kara since she would be able to blend in with the crowd. Linda insisted on sitting in the middle — craving the spotlight and attention — but Kara managed to convince her twin to sit in the back. Linda complained that she couldn’t see much on the board, but the professor wouldn’t write on the board; he would give a speech for two hours as usual.
As she thought, after two hours of speaking, he gave everyone an assignment and said that they had to work in a group. Kara dreaded group work so much. It played exactly on her anxiety. Linda was more active in finding a groupmate and Kara could just follow suit. After a while, they settled with a group of five people: Linda, Kara, two friends — Winn and Mike, and a new girl named Sara. Linda, Winn and Mike were very extroverted. They started chatting as if they had known each other for years. Sara didn’t say much, just like Kara, and she sat back to watch the group. People like Sara would be more of the crowd Kara could handle. At least at the end of the final hour, they all agreed upon which task would be done by whom and when they should meet up again for the collaboration.
By the time Kara got on the bus to go home, her body was exhausted. She still had to take a shower and eat but at the moment she just wanted to flop onto the bed and sleep. Lena had written her a few times but she couldn’t write back just yet.
Lena said that she had to pick up Luke from kindergarten because he was puking a bit during breakfast. Kara got worried since in the photo this morning Luke seemed to be fine. Lena’s messages also sounded a bit freaked out too.
‘Is he okay?’
‘Yeah. I took him to the doc. They said that he had no fever and nothing to indicate any virus or bacteria doing this, it could have been a digestive system issue. Luke sometimes puked in the car during a long drive too.’
‘Okay, do keep an eye on him. Poor Luke. Did he cry?’
‘Yes. He was crying after puking as I was coming to pick him up. But after the check, we went back home. I gave him some noodles and milk. He’s sleeping now.’
Following the message was a pic of little Luke sleeping. His little head on the dinosaur pillow and the whole body was covered by the dinosaur blanket from the neck down. His lips parted slightly and Kara could see his little teeth.
‘He’s so cute. I wanna pinch his cheeks so badly.’
‘Ikr? Sometimes it baffles me how I managed to create such a beautiful baby.’
‘Well, you must be beautiful yourself.’
Kara’s fingers halted right after she sent the message. She could feel the flush rushing up to her cheeks. Looking around in the bus to see if anyone was watching, Kara gulped and added another sentence to make it not too obvious.
‘And Jack must be beautiful too.’
I guess it makes sense for two beautiful people to create a beautiful baby. Kara thought and then got annoyed by her own thoughts. Why did she have to picture them creating the baby anyway? It was none of her business. Kara had no right to be annoyed by it. Lena was married to Jack so obviously they had a child together, right? And now she was more annoyed by Jack turning Lena into a mother at such a young age.
Kara knew that she would always be annoyed by reality, so she tried not to think about it. But once she did, it was like a waterfall of bad mood just flooding her chest.
‘You don’t know what I look like though.’
‘I could guess.’
‘Do you think about that a lot? What do I look like?’
Kara’s heart stumbled a beat. She didn’t know how to respond. Somehow the questions seemed almost an exposure of Kara’s mind. Should she tell the truth or should she reserve something? What was Lena thinking when she asked this? Would she read Kara through the answers?
‘Yes. I think about it sometimes. It makes sense that I’m curious, no?’
‘Yeah. And of course, I wonder what you look like too.’
‘What do I look like in your mind?’
‘Hmm. You’re taller, more active and intimidating.’
‘Intimidating? How?’
‘I don’t know. But through the way you write when you’re mad, I could tell that you could be very intimidating.’
‘What about when I’m not mad?’
‘Maybe you would not be so approachable? You told me that your friends always thought you were scary at first.’
‘True. Well, that’s what people told me.’
‘I can’t relate. I’m not taken seriously so I guess I’m not intimidating at all.’
‘You don’t have to be intimidating to be taken seriously though. You just have to open your mouth more.’
‘Spoken like a true intimidator.’
‘Is that a complaint?’
‘No way. It’s a compliment. I want to be like you.’
‘Why would you wanna be like me? Everyone complains that I’m too rude or too confrontational.’
‘You are confrontational. But that’s a good thing too. I’m too afraid of conflicts so I just let people do what they want.’
‘And that’s what frustrates me so much. You gotta change it up, Lena.’
‘I know, I know. I’ll do my best.’
‘Good. I’m about to be home. I’ll write you later.’
Kara took another look at a sleeping Luke and smiled to herself. Sure, she hated the fact that Lena was married, but Luke was a happy, beautiful little boy who deserved the world. Kara had never spent time with Luke before, but she adored him and would protect him from any harm in the world.
When Kara came home, her mother was cooking. Siobhan saw that Kara was home so she stood up from the living room where she was watching a show and carried the bundle of clothes right next to her to disappear in the bathroom.
“ je’ju , Siobhan is stalling taking a shower again and only doing it when I’m home and in need of a shower,” Kara said to Eliza. “What has she been doing the whole afternoon?”
“She was doing some homework, I guess. Don’t be strict to her. Today is Friday, let her chill a bit.” Eliza didn’t look up from the pan where she was making some sauce. “Just sit down and take a breath.”
“I hate it whenever she does that,” Kara huffed, sitting down at the kitchen table. Looking to the side, she saw that the hung washed clothes were still on the rack. Letting out a frustrated grunt, she stood up and walked over to the clothes. “Also, je’ju , why did you start cooking when the washed laundry is out here? You know the smell would get onto it and I hate that.” She shoved the laundry into the basket next to it and carried it into her room.
“I told Siobhan to do it. It’s my fault, I haven’t checked,” Eliza said apologetically. “The smell isn’t that bad, Kara.”
“Of course it’s not that bad for you . Such smells on clothes give me a headache, je’ju .” Kara was already annoyed by Lena’s marriage, now she had to re-wash the laundry again. Everyone knew that she couldn’t stand any food smell on hair or clothes, yet they chose to not take it seriously every time. Now Kara was in a bad mood. Even the cute picture of Luke wouldn’t be able to lift her mood. She was outside the whole day, and she would only have a short period of time to take a shower before Jeremiah came home also needing a shower, yet Siobhan took her sweet time lying around and stole the time Kara could have used to take a shower.
Everything was working against Kara somehow. She truly had no patience left for anything. But what could she do now? Her mother was too tired and she still had to cook. Siobhan was using incompetence against her so that nobody would expect a lot. That left Kara having to deal with anything else.
Her phone vibrated. Kara had a bad feeling about it but she still had to check. It was a call from Jeremiah. Taking a deep breath to give herself some energy, she picked up the call.
“Hi, ukr , what is it?”
“Can you help me with my phone later?”
“What happened to it?”
“I don’t know. I can’t save a video my coworker sent me.”
“I’ll take a look later when you’re home.”
“Good. Also I need another screen protector for my phone too. Mine is trash. Can you order one for me?”
Hiding a sigh, Kara put the call on speaker and began to scroll through Amazon to find a screen protector for her father’s goddamn smartphone. “Sure, it will be here tomorrow.”
“Okay. That’s all. How was your day?”
Absolutely trash. “It was fine. We have group work.”
“Group? So you have to work with others?”
Kara could already see where this was going. “Yes, ukr , it’s called ‘group work’.”
“Is there any boy?”
“Yes.”
“Be careful with them. Boys are not good for you. They’re only selfish and would only use you.”
Kara rolled her eyes. Jeremiah liked to preach about other people yet he was the one who had beaten Kara up for having a male classmate walking with her home. “Don’t worry. I know what to do. And we’re only doing group work, not on a blind date.”
“You better not.”
There was a slight chill running down her spines. Kara always had such a bad feeling whenever Jeremiah became possessive like this. He was usually so chill, but only when Kara spent time with him and not other people. Regardless of work or job, he wanted to be the sole importance in her life and she hated that. But it was something she needed to do so that he wouldn’t terrorize the rest of her family.
The call ended, thankfully. And Siobhan also emerged from the bathroom, after almost forty minutes. Kara scolded her for that and only got a half-ass apology, to which she wasn’t surprised anymore. She was too tired to give a shit at the moment.
The bathroom was the only space where Kara could have some peace. Well, it had been so until half-way through, her dad came home and he knocked on the bathroom door to greet and to remind her again what she should do for his phone.
ardazah’k gukzam’raok! Kara cursed the worst phrase in Kryptonian loudly in her mind and said, “I remember. I’ll do it after the shower!” This man could not leave her the fuck alone for ten minutes to finish the goddamn shower.
When Kara finished deleting all of the doubled and tripled files in her dad’s phone and effectively “fixing” it, she was no longer in the mood for anything. Even when Siobhan brought up hanging out on the weekend, Kara wasn’t very thrilled. If on a day where she still had stuff to do, she couldn’t have a peaceful evening, there would be no way a free day would actually become free. But Siobhan managed to get the permission and this weekend Kara could take her to the mall, and somehow Siobhan also got one of Kara’s friends — Sam — to join them. Sam had put in the words with Kara’s mother, and she was on good terms with Kara’s father, so they both were fine with Siobhan and Kara going out with her.
Around the time where Kara was getting ready for bed, she was able to chat with Lena about the day. It made her feel instantly better whenever she got to write Lena. The woman brought her this safe space where she felt she could take a moment to just be and not try to perfect anything.
‘Couldn’t your dad order the screen protector himself? Why does he need you to do it?’
‘It’s always like this. It’s fine.’
‘It’s being lazy. He’s a grown-ass man. He could do it.’
‘Well, that’s my dad. Anyway, I’m done with it. Now I’m just relaxing.’
‘Good. I’m also relaxed. Luke feels better and he’s been playing again. I have a feeling he knows it’s Friday so he wants to have an early weekend off.’
‘Any plan for the weekend?’
‘Yeah. Jack is driving us all to a friend’s house tomorrow. He wanted to go this afternoon but a meeting occurred so he couldn’t leave early as usual. I’m packing up.’
Kara swallowed hard as the knot in her throat began to grow. She had thought at least after everything, she would be able to write Lena and get back to the safe haven in the chat box with her, but apparently she was wrong. Lena was still a wife and a mother. She still had to go with her husband to play the happy family and everyone around them would cheer. This burning rage in Kara was unreasonable, since Lena was not hers, but it was also reasonable because Kara was in love with Lena. Why was this the way her life was? If this was how Rao was testing her, then this pain in her heart must have been the seed for something. This was the test for her faith in him, it had to be.
‘Have fun.’ Kara set the phone down and tried not to tear up. She was angry at Lena and at herself. Lena had no idea and clearly Lena wouldn’t see her any differently. Kara was at fault for falling in love with her, obviously. She needed Lena the way Lena didn’t need her and it hurt so badly.
‘You? Any plans for the weekend?’
‘I’m going to a birthday party.’ Kara had no idea why she didn’t tell the truth. She couldn’t care less at the moment. She would not be the miserable person who latched onto Lena every second of the day. At least Lena shouldn’t see her that way.
‘Oh? From whom? One of your friends?’
‘Yeah, Sam’s. There'll be a lot of people.’
‘Would you be okay with that?’
‘No, I’ll not stay for long.’
‘Hey, it’s your friend’s birthday. Stay for her. Don’t pay attention to anyone else.’
‘Okay. So you’ll be offline this weekend?’
‘No. We can still write. I’ll just answer a bit later.’
‘Cool. Me too.’
There was a pause between Lena’s responses. Kara wondered what was on Lena’s mind. She knew Lena had good reasons to not be always available, but at the same time she was silently pleading with Lena to not be offline. Lena was someone who didn’t ask for things from Kara every second of the day. Her presence, her stories had pulled Kara out of the deepest pit many times. Kara needed Lena.
‘Are you okay?’
‘Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be okay?’
‘I don’t know. I just have a hunch that you have something going on.’
‘I’m just tired.’ Kara lied again. She wished that it was just tiredness. But she could never say that she was jealous.
‘Then go to bed early. I still have some packing left to do. We'll be driving early tomorrow.’
‘Okay. Good night.’
Kara threw herself onto the bed. Lena was sharp to be able to tell something was up. But what else could Kara do? Hogging more time that Lena couldn’t give? Kara’s life was hers to deal with. The last thing she wanted to do was to make Lena more concerned than she already was. She looked up at the ceiling, as the darkness slowly consumed the room.
She wouldn’t be able to fall asleep any time soon. Kara had no way to deal with this sadness and frustration and heartbreak inside her chest. What was she supposed to do? Why her? Why Lena? She could do nothing for Lena besides being here. Now Lena would be away on the road where anything could happen. Kara needed to pray to Rao.
Please, Rao, protect Lena and her son. Protect my family and friends as you have been doing for years. Please take away all of my luck and give it to them.
Kara sighed heavily, turning on her phone and started watching random videos on the internet. It was meaningless scrolling and screen time, but it was so much better than staying up all night to ponder on the unrequited feelings that led to nowhere but misery.