Chapter 3
It had been a hectic morning.
First, of course, Lena had to wrestle with trying to get Luke awake and ready for kindergarten. The little sleepy boy was not having it and when he heard the K word he decided that he didn’t want to go. Lena had to distract him with everything she could think of like toys, food, anything colorful. Somehow she managed to put enough clothing on him and on herself, then both of them heading out of the house.
Luke was still sleepy and he hadn’t eaten since the breakfast would take place at kindergarden instead of at home, so he was more whiny than usual. Lena also couldn’t sleep much yesterday after Kara scolded her so she was also half-asleep on the way. Luke insisted on being carried and since Lena didn’t want him to whine even harder and make them late, she carried him and the backpack.
The fresh morning air was cooling enough but after reaching the daycare, Lena was halfway through being soaked with sweats. Luke was getting heavier and even though she was still able to handle his weight, it didn’t help when he was constantly yanking her shoulders, asking to go back home. But Lena was determined and Luke needed to make friends. He needed to be around his peers and even trustworthy strangers so that he wouldn’t know only his mom. Lena loved him so much and wanted to protect him forever but she wouldn’t always be right next to him. He needed to know how to get ready.
Lena’s struggles with Luke were seen by the teachers and they didn’t rush to bring him straight to class at all. They walked with both of them around the yard and every other classroom so that Luke would have some time to get used to the noise and the space. One teacher was leading Luke in front of Lena and the other teacher whispered.
“You can quietly slip out of the daycare. We will take it from here. If there’s anything wrong, we’ll inform you instantly, Mrs. Spheer.”
Lena nodded, handing the teacher Luke’s backpack and walked backwards to the front door. Once she was outside, she let out a relieved sigh that Luke didn’t notice and that she could go back home now. She hoped that today would be smooth for Luke. It was the first time that Luke would be alone with people who weren’t his parents or close family members. Lena’s heart was a bit trembling though, but her mind drifted towards a future where Luke could do things on his own, lead a life by himself and be around people without fear. Lena’s hand couldn’t hold his for the rest of his life, so as soon as possible, she had to prepare him.
The sunny day warmed up the air as Lena approached the house. It was a short walk from Luke’s kindergarten, Lena was grateful of that. She had a car of her own that she used for groceries and if she could she wouldn’t walk anywhere. A car for her was more protection and personal space and of course less working out. Yet a short walk sometimes brought her mind into a daze of thoughts. Sometimes a good story idea came to her during such short walks.
Today was different. The short walk of today slowly got her back to the anxiety of the situation left in the middle of a conversation. Kara was scolding her so hard for the things Lena already knew. Why did she even splash all of it onto Lena while she was already down? Lena knew exactly what Kara wanted to say, and she wished her friend would have said it in a nicer way.
Lena was at first taken aback by Kara’s sudden burst of annoyance, but Kara had a point about Lena being a pushover and she had admitted that. Somehow it didn’t satisfy Kara but only pissed her off even more. Wouldn’t acknowledging her own flaws already be a good thing? The way Kara wrote constantly without letting Lena have any word annoyed Lena back. And Lena didn’t like how Kara always wrote things like ‘I don’t care’ , ‘It’s none of my business’ , ‘You do what you want’ while they were having a rather heated conversation. Clearly Kara was only saying it to piss Lena off because if Kara meant any of those things she would have just not been so angry. Sure, Kara might have had a point in things she said, but at the same time she didn’t take in anything Lena needed to put out. Kara was like an evergreen tree that didn’t bulge for anyone and Lena was only a vine climbing along with the words trying to get her to calm down and listen.
Lena stepped inside the living room, dropping down on the sofa, closing her eyes. She had written Kara ‘Good morning. Good luck today at work. You can do it.’ and so far she hadn’t written anything back. Lena frowned at the thought that Kara had read the message and decided to ignore her. Kara always replied, unless she was busy, mad or not in a good shape. Lena wondered if she should be worried. Fishing out the phone from the pocket, she wrote another message to Kara.
‘How’s the work going? Are you handling it okay?’
‘I know you’re mad at me but even so please at least tell me that you’re okay when you have the time.’
'Please write me something.'
There was no indication that Kara was answering. Lena wouldn’t be surprised because Kara was at work on her first day. Never been to work, the only thing she knew about the labor world was that you must not be distracted. Hence Lena rarely wrote to her husband when he was at work, only in emergencies. She would never know how it felt to get out there and start making money from her own sweats and blood. Lena mostly felt rather out-of-touch with the way people were leading their lives around her. Her dad was the main provider of the household and she also never reached out to her dad during his working hours. Her mom didn’t actually go to work but she generated income from renting apartments to people.
Lena wanted to do the same thing as her mom did, but that would require a sharp mind. Her mom didn’t just have money to buy properties and rent them out just like that. She had saved up every penny ever since Lena was born and carefully put it into a jar, then a box and later a bank account of her own. Lena admired how her mom figured out the way to stay at home and earned from her own savings without interfering with the home life. Her mom didn’t grow up privileged because she stopped going to school after seventh grade, so everything she knew mostly came from life itself.
Lena could not do something like that. She got into the university, sure, but she didn’t finish it. She paused the course after the first year to go with Jack, with the promise that she could always continue or even change into another major that she liked. After going to Metropolis with Jack, she was convinced by him that it would be best that they had a child first and then she could pursue her passion. His reasonings were that he was getting older and his field of work was rather risky with chemicals, so he would want a child born healthy before there would be any damage done. Lena had thought that it made sense, that he was older and she still had so much time to make it up to her future. Now thinking about it, it enraged Lena hard. She was so deep into the mindset of being a tool for people’s satisfaction and goals. Lena loved Luke more than anything, and at the same time she hated herself for bringing him into the world while not being ready to be a mom.
Now that Luke started kindergarten, Lena felt empty and left behind just like when she saw her friends getting on adventures, finding jobs, dating around her and she had done all of that so fast. Her youth was gone. Heck, Kara was right to be mad at her. Even Lena was mad at herself too. Who wouldn’t?
But she did this to herself. Her parents had asked if she was sure about getting married and she had been too excited for the new life of the freedom of choice promising outside of her home to say no. The responsibility of a wife and later on — a mother — bouldered onto her and she knew it, but it was too late to turn back. What else could she do with a newborn baby and an unfinished education?
Lena used to have so many ambitions. She had dreamt about going into the world and making something out for herself. Never did she picture herself to become a housewife like her mother. She didn't even know a marriage would change her. She had been so naive.
She used to draw, paint, play music, and play games. She used to read, have her imagination run vividly wild and laugh to herself about it. She used to hang out with friends, spend time with her siblings and parents. She spent most of her time at home but it had felt wider back then.
Now she had stopped everything to make space for the responsibility of a married woman and a mother. Sometimes she wondered if the people around her were right. She couldn't do much as herself, earned nothing and had no skills that would be good enough to survive, so the only thing she could do was make the person she relied on happy by giving him the second child that he wanted. But everytime she had this thought, the raw desire deep inside herself — the part that yearned to be free — screamed out and forced her to stand her ground. Lena didn't want another child and she wouldn't be able to take care of them.
Lena shook her head, went to the kitchen and started making her own food. She didn't get to eat today because of the hectic preparation for Luke. Jack was still home when they left and now he had gone to work. The plates and cup of his breakfast were in the sink. Lena sighed, making herself a coffee as the toaster worked.
The phone’s notification came as Lena was washing the dishes. She hurriedly finished it to check. Lena hoped it was from Kara. It was indeed. As soon as she saw it, her chest untightened itself from the weight she had been carrying since their last chat. She didn't like it when they had a fight — if it was classified as one — since she never liked arguments, but it would also mean that they wouldn't write for a while. Lena wasn't one to fight with people and she never had any fight with family or friends before. With Kara’s straightforwardness and being dare to speak her truth, Lena slowly realized that fights could be a part of how you communicate.
'I'm fine.’
Lena stared at the reply. There were a lot of things that could be read into this. Kara always added this sentence after things she had told her like ‘I have a headache but I'm fine’ or ‘I didn't sleep well but I'm fine’ and Lena truly believed that even if Kara broke her ankle she would also write 'I'm fine’ .
'How's work?’
‘Overwhelming. I had to introduce myself in front of twenty people or so. My boss assigned a guy to train me.’
‘What is your task? Is it anything like in the movie Night at the museum?’
‘I wish. My job is to walk around and see if something needs to be fixed, done. I would have to give guests guidance for directions, and warn people’s hands off exhibited objects. Stuff like that. It's pretty standard.’
Kara didn't sound so excited or impressed but Lena was the opposite. She was happy for Kara because she knew it was important to feel productive. Kara had been talking about how useless she felt after the injury and after the check. It hurt Lena to see because she had seen it in herself.
When Lena had been in the third trimester of the pregnancy, she couldn't do much. Just doing chores alone gave her exhaustion. Jack’s mom had come to stay and help out for three months right before she gave birth to Luke. Lena had been okay with her in-laws since she lived so far away from them, and she was grateful that she had had help, but after that she was sure that they should never share the same roof. Jack’s mom was one to criticize Lena and at first she had thought it made sense since Lena was so young and unaware. But the years went by and when Luke’s speech delay became more obvious, Lena had to listen to how her mother-in-law compared Luke to other grandchildren or even neighbor kids that she knew, saying how small Luke was, how slow Luke was with walking. She even said that Luke might be having hearing problems since he didn't turn around when people called his name.
All of those were never Luke’s fault. Lena was sure of that. Her baby boy was maybe different but he was growing at his own pace. Whenever something was deemed not-like-other-kid in Luke, Lena was the one to get the blame and she was fine with that. Rather her fault than anybody looking at Luke any other way than a healthy happy child.
Lena had been so depressed in those moments. It was as if she never did anything right or well enough. In those moments when she consulted Jack, he said she should just ignore all of those comments since his mom always spoke without thinking and didn't have any ill intentions lurking behind her words. Lena listened to him to keep peace and also to save herself from doing something stupid. But it was hard sometimes too.
‘No, Kara. Your job is to keep things in check. It's pretty important.’
‘I guess so. I'm exhausted already and it's not even half the day yet.’
‘Take a deep breath. You can do this, yeah?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Are you writing while working? Is that allowed?’
‘Not when you get caught.’
‘Hey, be careful. Don't get in trouble.’
‘Well I have to write you back.’
Some heat rushed up to Lena’s face. She scrolled up to find her message slightly desperate. She was only worried about Kara. That was allowed, right?
‘Thank you. I got worried when I didn't see you respond. Like if you got into an accident or something on your way to work, you know?’
‘And now you know that I'm fine. Just relax, okay? Just because I haven't written in a bit doesn't mean I'm dead.’
‘Well I don't want our final time writing to be a fight.’
‘That was a fight to you? Oh lord, you would lose your mind if you witnessed an actual fight I had with my family.’
‘I don't really have fights with people, you know that.’
‘Maybe you should sometimes, so that people don't take you for granted.’
Lena smiled at Kara’s remark. It was like this with Kara. Sometimes she could say the darndest thing and then in those harsh words she actually meant good. Kara was so kind in her way and not anyone would see that. They saw a rough, direct personality that would take no prisoners and called her a bitch yet Kara would be someone Lena put her trust in with her life because Kara wasn't afraid to do the right thing.
‘Do you hate me because I don't open my mouth?’
‘I get frustrated but I don't hate you. Never.’
Lena sensed her heart stop beating for a moment. She didn't know what it was but there was something in the way Kara added that last word just hit her hard. Suddenly it was hard for her to respond. Lena found herself in a state of being speechless that it surprised and scared her at the same time. Thankfully Kara continued to write and save Lena from the trance.
‘But do open your mouth. Practice that with me. I know sometimes I'm harsh and I know you want to bounce back but you’re afraid of hurting my feelings. Well, don’t. I can handle it. What I can't handle is you getting hurt or mistreated. Be brave for yourself and your son.’
Tears flood out of Lena’s eyes, streaming down hot and dropped onto the screen. Blinking away the blurred vision, Lena wiped the screen with her sleeve and carefully typed back, trying to ignore her racing heart responding to Kara’s soul-warming words.
‘Okay. Thank you. I know you want the best for me. I'm frustrating, I know that too.’
‘You are. But I care about you. So that's okay.’
Lena’s tears violently poured out and she began to feel that stuffiness in her nostrils. She couldn't figure out what was going on but as if Kara’s words were a tsunami, washing over her with warm embraces and tenderly bringing out such pain she had covered up in good manners and calmness.
‘Thank you for looking out for me.’
'You're welcome. Now Imma have to leave the bathroom. I’ve been staying here for way too long.’
‘Okay, thank you for writing me back. Good luck at work.’
‘Thank you. I'll write you in my break. See ya.’
‘See ya.’
Lena set the phone down and just stood in the kitchen for minutes. She didn't bother to wipe her tears and let them dry on her face. Kara was someone she had never met, never heard her voice and never known what she looked like. Basically Kara could be anybody, but the steady trust she had in this person was enormous and the care she felt from Kara was so grand that she could say none of her friends had ever made her so loved and emotional like this before. Her family wasn't so affectionate and Lena wasn't used to it at all but the way Kara just said things that caressed the hurt deep in her soul truly turned Lena into a blubbering mess. Was this normal to have your friend understanding you so well it hurt?
And she wondered if she had ever made Kara feel this way or was this only her?
***
“How was your day?”
Kara looked up from her plate and looked at her mother Eliza. She was putting some more pasta into Siobhan’s plate but her smile and eyes were at Kara’s direction.
“It was fine. Too many people in the museum and my coworkers love to chat. I couldn't escape the small talk so I mostly smiled and nodded.” Kara took her glass of juice and gulped it down. “The guests were mostly old people today. They asked me where the souvenirs shop was and I helped them. That's it.”
“ je , what is the best part of the museum?” Siobhan asked her, curiosity in her eyes.
“Probably the fish pond that they have. Such huge fish—” Kara raised her hands to demonstrate the size of the biggest fish she had seen today, “—and there were dozens of them. The guests could also feed them.”
“That’s so cool! Are there other animals?”
“No, only the fish. And I had to keep people from touching the pond. You would think it was obvious that you cannot touch the pond without supervisors but people would surprise you.” Kara shrugged and stood up to start cleaning the dishes. If she finished everything early she could get ready for tomorrow early too. Eventually dinner was done and they left some food for her dad before staying in the living room to watch a show broadcasted from Krypton.
As Kara was preparing her bag for tomorrow’s work, her mom came into the room and quietly spoke to her. “Kara, Siobhan’s class is going to the zoo next month. I'm thinking about letting her go this time.”
That caught Kara’s attention. She sat down on the bed and her mom joined her. “Really? How much do we have to pay?”
“The school covers the bus ride and lunch. We only have to pay for the ticket.” Eliza said and pulled out a banknote. “Today I got refunded for the messy delivery of last month. Do you remember those gloves that came without zippers?”
“Yes. They finally refunded you?”
“They did. And I didn't tell your dad just in case we needed it. I spent some on our groceries this week but with this I can pay for a big part of the ticket. Do you think you can chime it for the rest?” Eliza placed the banknote down.
Kara did the math in her head to see that Siobhan wasn't able to go with her school for years. She had been really good at school and she deserved this trip. “Of course, je’ju , but I'll pay for the whole ticket. You keep the money for emergencies. You bike to work and it's getting cold. Get yourself a good pair of gloves, please. I'll cover the ticket.”
“Kara, I only need your help with just a bit. You have to have some money on you too.” Eliza shook her head.
“ je’ju , I'm working now and I'm earning starting this month. You on the other hand have been using those old gloves since Rao was born. Get yourself a new jacket and I'll cover Siobhan’s ticket.” Kara said certainly and pushed the money back into her mom’s hand.
Eliza begrudgingly nodded. “She would be really happy.”
“That's the most important thing.” Kara smiled and continued to pack her bag. “I'm glad ukr doesn't know about this.”
“Yeah. I sometimes feel terrible for hiding from him but we never know for sure if we could save anything.” Eliza sighed tiredly.
Kara took a moment to look at her mother. This woman had been breaking her spines cleaning all these years to support her family without asking for anything in return. It sucked that her husband was a complete dick to her. She was the reason Kara never complained about the hardship since childhood. If she could take all of the suffering away from Eliza, she would. The dark circles under her eyes were the witness of the years she had had to endure the psychological drain that was Jeremiah and his selfishness. She loved her mom to death and regardless of how her older siblings had found their exit, Kara would never leave her mom behind.
When I join the army, I can take care of you, je'ju. You won't have to rely on that man again.
“ je’ju? ” Kara gently called out as Eliza walked out of the room.
Her mother paused and turned to look at Kara with a smile. “Yes, Kara?”
“ kh a p rr i p ukiem’odh .”
Eliza’s eyes softened as she responded in their native language.
“ kh a p rr i p vahdhah’ukiem’odh .”
There were some selected few people that Kara would do anything for their peace and happiness. Her mother, her sisters and her friends. Maybe her father, too, if he could change into a better person to her family.
And perhaps the most unsuspecting additionals into that list was Lena and Luke. Even though Kara would never have the chance to do so or that she would never be able to tell Lena how she felt, to know that Lena appreciated her was enough.
As Kara laid down that night, struggling to sleep, she scrolled up to the conversation she had had with Lena at work. Lena wasn't aware of it, but Kara basically exposed that she had feelings for her today. It scared Kara because it was the first time ever she had had such feelings for someone and also it was for someone unavailable to be yearned for. Kara didn't know why she wrote it, but at some point she had to let some out. Lena was so oblivious to how much Kara gave a shit what was going on with her it drove Kara insane most of the time.
In a normal situation, Kara would have wished that Lena knew about her feelings. But Lena wasn't in the situation to know about this. And if she did, there was no way they could be friends anymore. Kara could never be with Lena more than this. They were friends and friends alone in Lena’s world. Kara was grateful and happy to know that Lena was happy, even when Lena wasn't hers.
Kara was actually grateful that they lived so far away from each other. She didn't want Lena to get involved with the unstableness of her life and Kara could never handle seeing Lena, Luke and Jack together as this cute happy family. It already put her in her misery thinking about it, to see it with her own eyes she would have a heart attack and die on the spot.
But besides that only advantage, Kara could never see Lena in person, never hear her voice, never know what it was like to hug the dearest person in her heart. Which scenario would actually be worse? Her life wasn't going to be long anyway, so maybe she’d be gone even before there was any chance for them to meet.
Another new picture of Luke was sent to Kara earlier before Lena said good night. Luke seemed very happy to see his mom again, running towards her. The picture was taken as he was almost mid-air, his air jumped in the air along with his tiny hat. Kara could see the tear in his eyes. And in the very left frame of the picture, Kara could see the side of a thumb holding out. She knew right away it was Lena’s thumb. Obviously Lena was using her right hand to take pictures of Luke as he ran to her and the left hand she was opening up her embrace. It had sent adrenaline rushing in her veins, racing the beating heart in her chest.
That was the evidence of Lena’s existence.
The woman she was in love with desperately and without reasons.
The woman that was always going to be untouchable.