Chapter 2
Lena nervously locked the door and quickly shifted Luke’s bag on her shoulder while holding his hand with the other so that he wouldn’t just sprint across the road. She checked if she had gotten everything and then looked at Luke. He was wearing warm enough, so bright in the orange jacket, red beanie and a green scarf. Lena tried to make him carry the backpack but since he had never done that before it didn’t last long. She thought to herself that the first day would be a lot on him, so it would be better to not stress the little boy out so early with the backpack.
“Mama. Apple.” Luke said, pointing towards the house. He was definitely talking about breakfast earlier. Lena had had a lot of worries when it came to Luke and mealtime and those worries only got amplified when it was time for Luke to go to the kindergarden. At home, it was already a stress and a struggle to have him focused enough to finish a meal, it would become a catastrophe when a stranger had to do it. A kindergarten teacher, a well-educated person in children care, but a stranger nevertheless. Luke was really clingy to Lena, always calling out to her and only her, so much that even his dad couldn’t console him sometimes.
“Apple is in your backpack, Luke,” Lena said, pointing at the tiny colorful Spiderman backpack on her right shoulder. “You can have it later at kindergarden.”
“Apple.” Luke bargained, wiggling left and right.
“Yes, you will have it later. Later, okay?” Lena slowly urged Luke forward to the direction of the kindergarden. “We’re going to have a lot of toys over there.”
“Toys.” Luke repeated with glee and obediently followed Lena’s lead.
The conversations between Lena and Luke were mostly like that. Lena would have to repeat many times and Luke would say one word after her. It made her worry sometimes because he was three years old and he couldn’t yet say more than three words at once. She had brought up the concerns to Jack a few years ago when Luke didn’t start walking despite being eighteen months old. Jack had been quite nonchalant about it, probably mostly to reassure Lena. At first, it did reassure Lena. Jack was a lot older and he had more experience in life, so perhaps when he said Luke was a late-bloomer, he had a point.
And when Luke finally started to walk, it was his speaking that worried Lena. Luke also didn’t look into people’s eyes when they were talking to them, and rarely would he turn around when someone called out to him. Luke didn’t really stick with any toy for too long and he was easily distracted. So many times Lena had to stop him from jumping so hard because he wouldn’t stop doing it despite whatever she said. All of the signs really pointed towards autism or at least ADHD, according to the internet, and it freaked Lena out. Jack — once again — never freaked out like her and he said that Luke was a late bloomer. Lena made herself into believing his words so that she herself wouldn’t freak out too much. On one hand Lena didn’t want to believe him because what if she would have been too late on helping Luke. On the other hand, she was so afraid that Luke might have even more difficulty in life if he would have had autism or ADHD. As a complete new mom, Lena really had no idea what to do and just followed what her husband said.
“We’re here, Luke!” Lena said enthusiastically so that Luke would also be excited. Luke was looking around and seemingly curious about the place in front of him with kids constantly running back and forth.
“Mama, home.” Luke said, raising his arms up.
Shit. Lena thought to herself and picked Luke up, pointing at the lady coming towards them. “Look, that’s your teacher. You’ll have fun today, okay?”
The lady opened the door with a bright smile and greeted them, “Good morning. You must be Mrs. Spheer and little Luke. Come on in!”
Lena carried Luke inside the daycare center despite him wiggling on her hip, asking to go home. She pushed through and followed the lady into the Ladybug class, where Luke would be. They mixed up young kids with older kids so that they would know how to play with each other and help each other during their stay. The teacher explained to Lena how everyday would be, and that Luke would be able to learn how to cooperate and serve himself food and drinks and even clean up after himself. All of these abilities was a whole new level to Luke, who couldn’t even speak a full sentence and couldn’t understand most of the questions. Lena was scared and excited at the same time.
Today was the first day, so Lena was allowed to be in the classroom and that Luke could go after breakfast together with the rest of the kids. Luke already forgot about his desire to go home as soon as he laid eyes on the toys. Lena was so relieved when Luke just started playing and didn't take notice of how different the playroom was. The other kids were saying hello to him but he didn't respond to any of them. That made Lena a bit nervous.
“He doesn't really notice anything while he’s playing,” Lena explained to the teachers, who nodded understandingly with soft smiles on their faces.
“Every new kid has their own way to adjust. Luke is a lot more engaging than most because he plays with the toys. Some kids don't even dare to join.” One of the teachers said as she sat down next to Luke and pointed at new toys for him to play with. He looked at the new toys and then went back to playing his chosen toy.
Lena was given a seat and she sat down watching the class Luke was in. Every kid knew how to play with each other and they helped each other out. Lena really hoped that one day she could see Luke doing so too. He was already quite behind his peers with development in speech but he was very active and skillful in some tasks that even surprised Lena sometimes. During the morning, Luke ran to her a few times for reassurance and stayed between her arms until breakfast time started.
The kids put the tables together and arranged the chairs. They carried their own backpack to the chairs and hung them on the back. Then they pulled out the food boxes and set them on the table. Luke also sat down with his classmates and got the box out. He opened it right away before everyone and was about to eat when one of the teachers halted his hands and gently reminded him that the others were still waiting. Luke then stopped and looked at Lena. She smiled and nodded at him to reassure him that nothing was wrong.
After a short introduction of Luke, the class began to have breakfast. Luke picked out the piece of toast with Nutella in between and started chomping on it. He turned to Lena instead of the table in front of him and raised the toast up. “Nutella,” he announced gleefully.
“Exactly, you have Nutella toast. Eat well, Luke.” Lena responded.
The teachers were also sitting down to have breakfast along with the kids. They said it was a way to bond with the children and create an environment of belonging. Lena felt less nervous about their ability to take care of Luke when she saw how he was sitting down patiently waiting for his turn to get the apple juice. Then he even followed the classmates to bring the chairs away and let one of them take his hand and bring him back to the play corner.
The teachers told Lena that tomorrow Luke would be in the class by himself and everyone would help him adjust. If there was anything, Lena would be notified and she could pick him up at any time.
With a more positive feeling, Lena led Luke back to their home. On the way, Luke was singing and looking around and even asked to stop at a public playground. Lena let him be because at this hour the playground was empty.
She sat down on a bench, set Luke’s backpack down and exhaled in relief. She pulled out the phone and wrote Kara.
‘First day done. He’s been so good in the kindergarden. I don't know how tomorrow would be but so far so good.’
'I'm really glad. I’ve been thinking about you guys. The first day is always a lot.’
‘Yeah. Luke didn't cry or anything, though he came to me several times. I worry that tomorrow he would cry hard without me being there.’
‘That could happen. But you could come any time, right? And the teachers would pay extra attention to him since he's new. It would be okay, yeah?’
‘Yeah. You’re right.’ Lena sighed, eyeing Luke climbing up to the top so that he could go down the slide again. ‘How have you been? Getting ready for tomorrow?’ Kara’s new job started tomorrow. Lena had never worked before but she could tell that it was a big event for Kara.
‘Yeah. I'm a bit nervous. I would have to introduce myself to so many new people. I don't know any of them. Now I have to see them twice a week.’
‘Go through it and then you will get used to the routine. It's good that it's two days and not five. Look on the bright side, okay?’
‘Let’s see how it goes. Luke did it better than me.’
Lena smiled, raising her phone up to take a picture of Luke to send her family and Jack. When she returned to the conversation with Kara, a thought flashed through her mind.
Kara would love to see this.
And without a second thought, she sent the picture to Kara.
***
Kara arched her back to get rid of the soreness on her lower back. She had been on the couch playing games since today's practice session was canceled. It was raining so hard outside, it made her mood worse. Her knee ached the entire night and kept her from sleeping. Usually Kara wouldn't mind that but her sister Siobhan just had to make so much noise when she woke up for school. Not to mention she was running around to get things ready that she should have done the night before. Kara had told her a million times to get her backpack ready for school in the evening so that she wouldn't have to rush for the bus but she never listened.
After turning back and forth in bed with the knee pain, Kara got up to do her routine, which was personal hygiene and then cleaning the entire apartment. Her mom, dad and sister were at work and at school. The only person who would do cleaning would be Kara. Her mom would do it after work but Kara never wanted her mom to do even more cleaning after hours being a janitor; her dad would come home very late and he wouldn't do any proper cleaning. And of course she could never count on Siobhan to clean the mess that she didn't cause herself.
After vacuuming and dusting the entire space, Kara sat down to have breakfast and at the same time it started to rain. She was hoping it wouldn't rain so long but it did and it was even so hard the practice was canceled. Kara got frustrated so she started playing video games for a bit to relax her mind.
It was one of the mornings where Lena was busy early and couldn't write much back. After their daily ‘good morning’, Lena told Kara that she would be with Luke in kindergarden and that she would write back after. Kara was excited to hear about it.
Luke to her was very precious. Kara had never known him personally, but she knew that Luke was a mama boy. He followed Lena everywhere and had the energy of the sun. Lena also had the patience of a saint because if a child was calling her name every five minutes, Kara would go insane.
That experience she had had with raising Siobhan. Her biggest sister Alex only could help out their mom a bit, her twin Linda only concerned herself, her parents fought daily. Only Kara left who could take care of Siobhan. She had been the one to take Siobhan to the doctors, to the dentist, to daycare, to the mall and to anywhere you would have to go when you had a child. Kara was a child herself, being thirteen years older than Siobhan, but she had to take the mantle for stability so that Siobhan would have a better childhood.
Her dad Jeramiah was a hard-working man and surely, he loved his family in his own twisted way. He himself grew up in a fucked up household where children were made to serve the parents’ need so he treated his own children the same way. Her mom was a good woman and she had dealt with her dad for so many years that her mental health went down so hard she just let the children raise each other because she had no energy left to deal with them. She herself was abused physically and mentally and she only wanted a quiet time just by herself. Alex was the one taking the beating the most even when it wasn't her fault. When she couldn't take it anymore she moved out and almost never came back for years. Linda was the same but she was even worse since she saw how Kara had taken on so much yet her next move was also pissing off into another city and leaving the mess behind.
Kara could have done the same thing as they did. Linda left home when she was eighteen and Alex did it when she was even younger. Kara could definitely have done the same thing and could have had the peace she desired. But she knew for a fact that without someone who would be able to talk some sense into her dad or at least stand in between her drunken dad and her overly exhausted mom, Siobhan would be the next target for the frustration and aggression that resided in Jeremiah.
So Kara had stayed and endured. She loved her family so much, she couldn't let them suffer if she could do something about it. And if Siobhan had a good childhood, Kara would be happy.
Luke for sure had a great childhood. Lena was a good mom. Kara didn't know Jack and frankly she hated his guts for taking Lena’s freedom away and made her into a mom so early. He didn't really help as far as Kara knew. Okay, he went to work and he provided for the family very well, but he used it as an excuse for bailing out of so many fatherhood tasks. It made Kara angry. They both made Luke yet only Lena became the mother.
Kara thought to herself that if she would have been given the chance to take care of Lena and Luke, she wouldn't let Lena do anything. She would let Lena rest and everything else she would handle. Kara hated Jack for having the opportunity but not appreciating it.
Kara settled for knowing Lena and Luke through a screen and words, and getting small updates everyday about how much progress Lena got with her stories and how much Luke could do really brightened up her depressive and stuck life.
Truly, Kara never wished for more.
So when she opened the message which was attached with a photo of the little black-haired boy flying high on the swing with his big ass happy smile where she could see the tiny white dots of his teeth, Kara’s heart almost stopped. She never knew what Luke looked like but she could tell for sure that it was Luke Spheer. That he came from an amazing woman named Lena. That he was loved and well taken care of. His pointy black hair got swept sideways because of the swing movement. His tiny hands gripped onto the chains holding the swing seat together. One of his shoes wasn't completely tightened, the shoelaces following the direction similar to his hair.
Luke was so adorable. He glowed under the sun and his smile brought a grin onto Kara’s face. She quickly wrote a response.
‘Omg is that Luke?’
‘Yes. He wanted to stop by at the playground so I let him.’
'He's such a handsome boy. And look at his little teeth!’
‘Ikr? I remember the first time I saw his tooth. I was so happy I couldn't sleep that night.’
‘I can imagine. He's so fucking adorable I have to love him.’
The conversation turned into a compliment fest for a while. Kara kept scrolling up to look at Luke again. Eventually she started to wonder how much of Luke’s look that he inherited from Lena and how much from Jack. His black hair could be directly from Lena’s genes and maybe his adorable smile too. Perhaps his slightly tanned skin was from his mom too.
Kara sighed a bit when she felt the familiar ache in her chest again. She scolded herself a bit for the yearning feeling inside. It was obviously hopeless, from both sides. Kara wouldn't be able to be just a normal friend to Lena. She couldn't just leave and visit Lena nor could Lena do so. It would have been better if Kara never knew Lena’s face. It would make everything easier once Kara left her home to join the army. She wouldn't have to deal with leaving any possibility behind and wouldn't regret it for the rest of her life.
The image of Luke gave Kara so much joy that her mood was lifted up that entire day. That was until the evening when her father came home reeked of booze. Siobhan and her mom had gone to bed. Kara stayed up to greet her dad because it didn't feel right to her to let him come back to a home where everyone was already asleep. It would make him feel alienated and abandoned, which Jeremiah would make a fuss about. He loved attention. If he didn't have it, everyone would have to pay for it. Kara hated it but what else could she do? Her mother was already exhausted, she could not handle her husband’s tantrum after years of doing so. Siobhan was a child, she should not be the punching bag for the man who always made sure everyone bowed down to his needs. Alex and Linda were out of the equation, they saved themselves. That left only Kara.
Hence she had to keep her mouth shut and not comment on her dad’s alcoholic breaths when he kissed her cheek to greet. Hence she had to serve him his very late dinner and watched a bit of soccer with him after that. He was pleased that he wasn't left alone and he had some time with the only person in the family who would communicate with him. Kara would have enjoyed it if he wasn't drinking before that.
“How was work?” He asked, not pulling his eyes from the screen.
“I don't know yet. I'm starting tomorrow.” Kara answered, hiding her disappointment that he didn't remember when she would start working.
“Oh, I see. Well good luck.” Jeremiah placed a hand on her shoulder, squeezing a bit too tight. “We would need that money, you know.”
Kara didn't reply, only nodded. They had a lot of debts, and even though her dad was working two jobs, her mom was also working and tried to save, it wasn't enough for the credits that her parents took a few years ago. Actually her dad made it and then he hid from his wife and children. Only until a group of people came to the apartment looking for Jeremiah Zor-El that it was blown out. Kara was so angry because they literally just paid off a debt and she was planning to make a saving for emergency and retirement of her parents, now nobody could save anything. Not to mention that Kara also had to recover from her surgery and might be losing her chance to play. But of course her dad had to get credit to invest in whatever he was told by his friends.
“Thank you for sticking out to help me.” Jeremiah spoke again.
Kara knew exactly what he meant and she despised his way of showing “gratitude”. He only said things like this after someone came and saved his ass, never just randomly.
“I'm helping the family, not just you.” Kara tiredly said, “I don't think I’d stay to watch the whole game. I have to work tomorrow.” She stood up and gathered the things from the table. “You do too, so don't go to sleep too late.”
“Okay, good night.” Jeremiah said without any emotion. Kara didn't really need him to feel any kind of way. He usually lacked emotions and compassion after a few drinks anyway.
“Good night.”
Kara prepared her bag and headed to bed. She shared a room with Siobhan, who was already deep asleep. Kara tiptoed to reach her bed and laid down, letting out a hard sigh.
When she opened the messages to write Lena a good night text, she saw that Lena had sent her another photo of Luke. The little boy was in a backyard, holding above his head a watering faucet, laughing so hard at the streams of water spitting out from the thing he was holding. His joy was so pure, so contagious, so precious. The water even created the illusion of a rainbow right above Luke’s hair.
Kara felt her heart calm and she was even smiling at the picture. She saw the caption — ‘a little good luck from Luke for your tomorrow’ — and wrote back.
‘You have no idea how much seeing him means to me. Thank you.’
Kara assumed that Lena had already been asleep, she didn't expect that the woman would reply. Yet she got a text from Lena.
‘Are you ready for tomorrow?’
‘No, but I gotta do what I gotta do. Hopefully I can sleep tonight.’
‘Yeah, you would need that. You're always up so late.’
'You're not. What are you still doing?’
‘I don't feel sleepy.’
‘Something’s wrong? You're usually not up so late.’
‘I just had not a good talk with Jack.’
Kara sat up, typing furiously on her phone with a frown on her face. The pain in her knee suddenly disappeared from her mind. ‘What kind of not good talk?’
‘He was talking about having another child. It annoys me because he already knows what I would say. We had this conversation over and over yet he still brought it up just because he was calling his family again earlier this evening.’
Just through the words Kara could feel the frustration radiating. Kara felt hot inside just imagining how Lena alone had to go against the stupid assumption that once someone had a child they should just have another regardless. She already saw it in her group of friends who got married. Lucy — for example — had a child who was barely two years old and was already talking about having another one. Kara and the rest of the friend group had to come over and babysit her baby sometimes and she had zero help from any family member. Her husband James was next to useless since he was always on a work business trip and only wanted to chill and relax whenever he was home. It got on Kara’s nerves how the women around her kept going back to making the same mistakes or got pressured into doing so.
‘Don’t get me wrong, but fuck Jack’s whole family and fuck him too. They haven’t been around when you had Luke. Jack could barely have him for an evening so that you could go to the groceries for an hour. They all don’t have the right to tell you what to do.’
‘Yeah, I know.’
‘But have you told any of them that? So that they would shut up?’
‘I can’t. That’s basically punching at their faces.’
‘Well maybe they deserve a punch in the face.’
‘I’m not gonna have another child.’
‘Are you sure? You were persuaded into having Luke where you were even barely 21 years old. What did he promise you? That you could go back to studying? Look at you now. The whole day having to either run after Luke or cooking or cleaning or being the pushover that they want. How do you even have time to study? You can’t even go to the bathroom alone. Tell me, Lena, how are you so sure that you won’t be talked into getting pregnant again and basically having your life buried?’
Kara exhaled loudly, her eyes stung as if she wanted to cry. The anger in her was burning like hellfire, shaking her entire body and setting her throat on fire. She slammed the phone down on the bed, gritting her teeth. She couldn’t handle Lena being more stuck than she already was. She had seen that enough with everyone. She loved Lena so much to stay silent. Lena as an author was so free, so bold and ambitious. She had such good and original ideas that it surprised people and made them laugh, cry, and brought people in suspense.
Lena didn’t write for a while. She must be offended by what Kara had written. Kara couldn’t care at the moment. Lena needed to hear the harshest words to wake up. Lena’s husband was such a coward. He listened to his family and didn’t give a shit about what his wife wanted. Lena had stated her mind so clearly so many times but of course Jack wanted more children while he didn’t have to sacrifice his body, time and opportunity in life for them.
As Kara finally laid back down on the bed, she got a message from Lena. Taking a deep breath to prepare herself, Kara pulled the notification up to read.
‘I know I’m such a pushover and that I rely on Jack. I don’t have a career or a job or even studies to go back to. The only thing I could do was taking care of Luke. I know you hate it whenever I say such things but it’s true, Kara. You at least have a goal in life is to join the army. You know what you need to do to get what you want. I don’t have any goal in life besides raising Luke the best I could. Even if I can have more time to go find a job now that Luke goes to the daycare, I don’t have any degree or the ability to find a job that fits his schedule. I got myself into this situation. I’m that dumb.’
Kara had so much in mind to write, mostly scoldings. Lena was so deep into this mindset that she was useless and that she had no chance for a better life. What frustrated Kara the most was that Lena would never leave the comfort zone that she had been in since birth where everyone would tell her what to do and what to say. Lena had a lot of abilities within her but she couldn’t acknowledge them. Kara knew so many ways to get help from the states and she herself would lay down her life to help Lena, as long as she could see Lena truly free and happy. And that had nothing to do with her being in love with Lena. Kara would want the same for her friends, who deserved so much more than the life they had chosen for themselves.
So she typed.
‘Fine. You do what you do. But don’t expect me to shut up when you are being treated like shit by the people around you. You have so much value and you deny all of them to please those people. Not get another child or get a thousand children, it’s none of my business anyway since we don’t even know each other’s faces. But you know deep inside what you want. If you keep living by pretending to be someone else you’re not, Jack blabbering about his and his family’s selfish wants would be the least of your problems, Lena.’
Lena was typing something but Kara didn’t wait. She continued to write.
‘You really think knowing what I must do to achieve my goals is so good? You know how my family is. I would never want such a thing for my life if it wasn’t something I have to do. I love my family, Lena. Why would I want to be in danger, thousands of miles away from them? My life has nothing to improve upon. I just want it to be done. You could still do so much for yourself and your son. Yet you continue to think that serving your useless asshole of a husband is the key to survival. You know what, of course he pressed you on. Eventually he will get what he wants.’
Lena stopped writing. Kara turned off the phone. She didn’t want to spend another second watching Lena trying to come up with things to say or excuses that she kept telling herself. Lena never wanted to try something if there was an easier way out. Kara hated people like that. She had seen that in her older sisters. They could have stayed or at least helped the family to be free from Jeremiah first but the moment they were free they were radio silent and only came back very occasionally. They chose the best and quickest way out and left the rest to suffer. Lena chose the easiest way for herself and let herself suffer in the process.
Kara was sick of it.
Kara was sick of the same thing happening over and over.
Kara was sick of investing into the change that would never happen.
Perhaps it wasn’t a good thing that Kara got to see Luke today. Her heart ached for the beautiful boy who would surely see how unhappy his mom was just like her many years ago.