Chapter 1
The sun shone heavily above Lena’s head as she rushed after Luke while he was laughing as if someone was tickling him, his hand holding the end of the toilet paper roll. The white thin fabric flew behind the little figure, as if it was also dancing along with the toddler’s laughter. Lena’s bare feet were feeling the heat of the pavement slowly every second she got closer to her son.
“Luke!” Lena finally got a hold of him. The tiny toddler fell back into her arms as she yanked the toilet paper out of his little grip. “This is not a toy, Luke.”
Luke only laughed almost to the point he couldn’t breathe. He clung onto her, wrapping his legs around her waist and looping his arms around her neck. Lena used one hand to support his weight; with the other hand she swung in a circle to pick up the out-strawn toilet paper from the ground without having to bend down. “Mama! Mama!” Luke said in triumph, his breathing echoed in Lena’s left ear, tickling her.
“Okay, okay, Mama is here.” Lena responded, laughing along. She was frustrated earlier but now that she saw how happy Luke was, she couldn’t help but feel that innocent joy too. “That was not okay, Luke. Next time, I’ll not let you into the bathroom with me.”
Luke turned around. “Toilet paper! Mama, toilet paper!” When Lena wasn’t looking at him, he used both hands to grab her face to get her to look him in the eyes. “Toilet paper.”
“Toilet paper,” Lena said, smiling. “Yes, you’re very good. This is toilet paper. But not a toy, though.”
“Toilet paper!” Luke repeated again, seemingly enjoying the way the ‘p’ sound rolled out of his little lips. “Yay, won, won!”
“Yes, you won.” Lena kissed him on the forehead, walking back into the house. The sun was getting too much recently, she only wanted to stay inside. She put Luke down among the battlefield of toys. “Here, you have so much to play with.”
“Play! Play! Toys!” Luke exclaimed, getting busy with the colorful objects right away, forgetting about the previous event. “Mama. Toys.”
“Yes, toys.” Lena walked into the kitchen, where she originally was when she saw the little figure in dinosaur underpants running past the corner of her eye and had to chase after him. “Mama is in the kitchen, okay?”
Luke didn’t respond. He rarely did. Lena let out a sigh and went back to the potatoes she was preparing. Suddenly there was a ding from her pants. She fished out the phone and saw that she got a message from Kara.
‘Everything okay? You’re quiet.’
‘Yeah, everything’s good. Luke was just being Luke.’
‘Uh oh. What did he do?’
‘Pulling out another toilet paper roll. You know, ever since he understood what toilet paper means, my life just got another suspense.’
Lena continued to peel the potatoes. She did everything quickly so that she could be done with it. Today was exceptionally hot. Luke woke up drenched in sweat this morning.
‘Hey, give him a break. Knowing how to say a word isn’t exactly easy and he’s just excited.’
‘I know that. But sometimes I wish I could split in half. One of me could do the chores and the other could go play with him.’
‘I don’t know how you managed to survive all that. I’d die.’
‘You’re the one who got up every morning to jog five miles. I don’t know how to even want to do such things.’
Lena opened the lid to the boiling water, putting the neatly cut potatoes in and set a timer for five minutes. Then she set the oven ready. She took a peek into the living room to see Luke was playing with a bouncy ball. It was good that he got busy. She looked at the phone screen to see that Kara had answered her.
‘What? Sport? To keep myself in shape for the next check-up, what else. Maybe you should do that too so that you could keep up with Luke.’
‘As if I should lose any more sleep. Speaking of the check-up, are you nervous?’
It took Kara a bit of time to reply. ‘Honestly, yes. The last check-up was not good. But whatever. If it’s good, it’s good. If not, then so be it.’
Lena felt an ache in her chest. Kara wasn’t one to be hopeful. For all of the time she had known the woman, Kara never expressed her wish that something would work. She had known Kara for a while through pen-pals but not the traditional way. A year ago, as Lena was staying home and taking care of a two-year-old Luke, she found a website for free-range creative writers on the internet and took part in it. One thing led to another, she built a small following and a little reputation. The stories she wrote weren't too special but they had the bits and pieces of real life and somehow it got people coming back every time she updated.
One person among those people was Kara.
At first Lena didn’t think much of it, but that one particular username kept coming back to comment under her stories. She answered them every time. They were funny and they were very invested in the characters and even made up theories. Lena considered them and some selective other commenters as her favorite people and always made sure she could respond to them properly.
Eventually, Lena was invited to a small groupchat of favorite authors on another platform where everyone could chat with each other. Readers could ask the authors what they planned to do in the next chapters and authors could communicate with their readers on a more personal and instant level.
That was when Lena saw that familiar username again. Potstickerzzz. They were the first person Lena recognized to be her reader. She was really happy interacting with them everyday. It was the highlight of her daily routine that she didn’t know would save her through tough times.
‘I’ll be right here whenever you need. No matter what the outcome, you are not alone.’
‘Thank you.’
After that, Kara didn’t write for a while. Lena knew the check-up was a hard thing for Kara. It wasn’t something Kara would tell anyone about, so knowing about it was a privilege that Lena somehow received.
At the beginning, Lena and Kara didn’t chat privately. They were all in a group along with other readers and writers. They were talking about ideas and tips on how to write better. Slowly, the topics no longer stayed within the theme of writing but each other’s life. Potstickerzzz didn’t outright ask a lot about her, mostly other people did. Lena answered all of them without giving too much away. She knew better than blabbering too much about her private life.
Lena and the person behind the Potstickerzzz username surprisingly got along. They joked back and forth among the members and eventually they had their own inside jokes. Back then Lena didn’t know Potstickerzzz’s real name. Everyone was calling each other by their username. Lena didn’t let them know her real name either. It was good to be able to be themselves without worries.
At home, Lena had the utmost repetitive routine. Everyday waking up around eight o’clock, preparing breakfast for herself and Luke, then she would hope that he would busy himself with the toys so that she could do some cleaning and make lunch for the both of them. The amount of time she used to make lunch, she prepared as well as dinner. Or she would just make a big meal that could be eaten as both. In between the tasks, Luke would come to her and check what she was doing. Most of the time he would call her from the living room and only stopped when she emerged.
Lena always spent some time in her daily routine to write. Either updating a story or responding to comments, writing something gave Lena joy. The kind of joy that was outside the role she was in. In the anonymous world of internet hobby writers, Lena could freely be herself without fear of judgment or criticism of her as a person. Nobody else knew who she was.
Except for Potstickerzzz.
Lena had no idea what it was about the person behind it. They were witty, quick with their comebacks and always took themselves not so seriously. It was something Lena admired. It reminded Lena of how she used to be. Ambitiously bold and at the same time carefree enough to enjoy life. Now Lena’s life was all about responsibilities and what a woman in her position must do. Potstickerzzz was a breath of fresh air. The way they wrote Lena reminded her of the way her friends back at school. Lena didn’t realize she had missed that so much until she cackled at a joke from Potstickerzzz so hard she almost woke Luke up.
When the groupchat slowly died out, Lena and Potstickerzzz decided to write to each other privately. Potstickerzzz eventually told Lena her real name and Lena did the same. Their friendship was something very new to Lena. Friends should at least know what each other looked like. Or at least would be able to call each other. Lena and Kara never exchanged photos or numbers.
It never came up between them. Lena, of course, wondered what Kara looked like. Throughout their conversations, Lena knew that Kara was taller than her, had blonde hair and was definitely more athletic than Lena. She knew Kara lived in National City, which was around five hours and a half drive away. Kara lived with her entire family in a small apartment with her parents and her sister and Kara was in a semi-professional football club in National City. Two years prior to them knowing each other, Kara had a nasty injury on her left knee and had to stay out for three seasons for the surgeries. Her coach brought her to the check-up for this new season a few months ago and Kara was told that her knee didn’t heal enough.
‘Hey, you okay?’ Lena wrote Kara after she had tucked Luke into bed for a short nap. The little boy was so sleepy during lunch that he was yawning the entire time and could barely keep his eyes open.
‘Yeah, I’m fine. I was talking to my coach earlier. Sorry for not writing.’
‘It’s all good. So, what did he say?’
Kara typed, deleted and then typed again. ‘He said I shouldn’t have my hopes up. So many new faces are making waves this season. They need young and strong players, not someone old and broken like me.’
Lena felt her blood boil. ‘Did your coach actually say that shit? Where the fuck does he live? I’ll skin him.’
‘He didn’t say it, but it’s basically the truth.’
‘What truth? You’re only 26 years old. That is so not old.’
‘In the sports world, I am old. They want people who are like 20, 21, 22 years old. I’m getting close to old and I have a bad knee.’
It pissed Lena off. Kara loved playing football. Sometimes Kara told her about the times where Kara was on the field, wind in her hair, sweats on her face and all over her back, her eyes aiming at any possible open route and her feet leading the ball as if it was a part of her. Kara never wrote constantly or talked about herself as the main character but whenever it came to football, Lena could practically feel the enthusiasm, the energy and the love that the woman had for the sport. Lena’s heart warmed at the mental image of Kara’s eyes glowing when she was talking about her favorite activity. It made her happy, knowing that Kara was also happy.
‘You don’t know for sure how the check-up would turn out. Your coach can say whatever he wants. Go to the check-up and do your best. Then you can deal with whatever the outcome would be.’
‘Okay, I will.’
‘Very good. That’s the spirit.’
‘Are you always so hopeful, Lena? I swear, depression couldn’t do shit to you because of how hopeful you always are. You’re remarkable.’
Lena laughed, feeling a bit hot on her face. Such compliments weren’t given to Lena for such a long time but it was so good to hear it again from a good friend. ‘Then you better do your best. After that, I’ll be right here with you, okay?’
‘Okay.’
Luke snored a bit, startling Lena. She gently kissed her son on the head and quietly slipped out of the bed. Then she sat in front of the laptop and began to write the next chapter for an ongoing story. As she was writing, she was chatting with Kara too. Kara had a better mood and she was talking about college.
‘You don’t have class today?’
‘Nah. Today and tomorrow morning I’m free. I just literally got the new schedule early this morning.’
‘I absolutely don’t understand college. It’s so unnecessarily stressful and even the professors sometimes create some. I’m glad I’m not in college.’
‘I try to look on the bright side. After I’m done with this, I could join the army and leave everything behind.’
Lena’s fingers halt on the keyboard. She stared at the last sentence Kara wrote and gulped. She had already known what Kara had always wanted to do. Kara wanted to become a war journalist or at least join the army. The first time Lena knew of it, she was so upset. She didn’t know why she was so affected by Kara’s wish but eventually she realized that Kara being in the army would mean that they couldn’t always keep in touch anymore. She would lose a great friend and maybe she would never know what would happen if something bad happened. It had been a long time since Lena felt her heart broken so hard like that.
But Lena now had accepted the truth. Kara always wanted to leave. Being someone Kara confided in, Lena knew why. Kara’s home life was one of the bad ones. Ever since she was born, she had become the anchor of the family. When she was so young, she was the source of joy. When she was a child, she was the translator for her parents when it came to government documents. When she was an adult, she had to help her mother raise her younger sister while shielding both of them from her father whenever he felt like drinking. Kara had always yearned for freedom, and the only way that she could actually move far away from the only life she had always known, was through a college degree. Like this, her family could not find a way to blame her for anything.
Lena was fortunate enough to grow up in a more peaceful home environment. She had younger siblings who adored her and her parents — although traditional and sometimes controlling — were always supportive of Lena. She never had to struggle financially in life nor had to grow up so soon like Kara. Lena could never understand fully what kind of life Kara had been leading. She admired Kara so much, and she felt grateful that she got to know Kara even though sooner or later they would have to part ways.
‘Would you still be able to read my stories when you’re in the army?’
‘I think so. I mean, there is internet everywhere.’
‘Not in a war.’
‘Well, I’ll figure something out. Can’t leave my favorite author down, right?’
‘Can you promise me something, though?’
‘What is it?’
‘Don’t try to be a hero. Like, don’t try to sacrifice yourself to save someone else.’
‘Why not? You know I would.’
‘Because I know you would, so I want you to promise that.’
‘Why?’
‘You gotta come back.’
‘I don’t have anything to come back to. You know that.’
‘I know. I just mean that maybe you could come back to me.’
Lena had no idea why it felt so heavy and at the same time liberating to write that down. Her heart was beating so hard as if she had just slipped out a sworn secret. Lena stared at the screen, waiting for Kara’s answer. She wiped the blurriness away from her eyes and was glad that she wasn’t talking to Kara directly at the moment. This wasn’t the first time they talked about this. It shouldn’t have made her so emotional like this.
‘I will try.’
Three simple words from Kara made Lena burst into tears. She had no idea what she was feeling. Was she happy or was she relieved? Something in between? She had no idea. She could only tell that it was so grand, her chest felt like combust. What was this feeling? Why did she feel it? What was happening to her?
‘Thank you.’
Lena quickly wiped her face dry. Whatever she was feeling, it was definitely complicated and she had no time to figure out something complicated. Lena was supposed to have a simple life. Everything should be simple. Exactly. She would be fine this way. And Kara would be too.
A small shiver could be heard from the bedroom. Lena immediately stood up and checked on Luke. The sky was already dark. It was about time that Luke would wake up and he would definitely ask for his Mama. Lena kissed Luke on the cheeks to gently wake him up. The moment he opened his eyes, he grabbed onto Lena’s neck tightly.
“Mama.” Luke snuggled against Lena’s body, warm from the deep slumber. “Sleep.”
“You have slept enough, Luke. It’s time to wake up before dinner.” Lena whispered into his ear. The disheveled hair of the toddler brushed against Lena’s nose. She could smell the sweet milky sense that only existed on babies and toddler’s skin. She loved smelling Luke’s skin. It was one of the perks of motherhood. “Wake up.”
“No. Sleep.”
The argument was convincing enough. Lena stayed in bed as the time went by. Luke fell back to sleep, his breathing calmed her. Her mind drifted back to her conversation with Kara. She truly got emotional even over something she had known and prepared for.
Lena had decided to not pay attention to it, but she was still curious.
She wondered why…
A ding echoed in the dark bedroom, indicating a text from Kara. Lena pulled the text up to read.
‘Is he back yet?’
There were keys jingling at the front door. It got open and Lena could hear a suitcase getting put down. After a few seconds, Jack walked into the living room, pulling out the tie. “Hey, I’m home.”
“Hey.” Lena quickly typed a response and then put it in her pocket. “Dinner is already made.”
“Where is Luke?” Jack asked, rubbing his eyes. Then he saw Luke and Lena on the bed. “Is he still taking a nap? He needs to get up to eat, you know. You, too.”
“I’ll take care of it. You go ahead and eat.” Lena got up and this time she managed to wake Luke up for dinner. They had dinner and Jack played with Luke while Lena washed the dishes. She checked the phone from time to time.
Kara didn’t write back that day.
***
Kara deliberately decided not to look at the phone. She leaned back against the chair, squeezing her eyes tight. The ache in her chest did not subside once. The tingle in her eyes got worse but she would not tear up.
Kara knew what she was getting herself into. She knew it. It made things worse for her, obviously. To have feelings for someone was already a big deal for her. To do so for a married woman, Kara had truly dug her own grave.
Kara wasn’t someone who was constantly on the phone. In fact, she barely used social media. To her, seeing someone in person was more real, more personal, more worthy of attention than whatever else the internet had provided.
But the internet was also an escape. Everywhere, everyone, every waking moment, someone needed something from her. Either they would need her help translating, or using her name to buy something, even simply just looking up for something on Google, Kara was on the speed dial. That was Kara’s life. Nowhere to run, nobody understood and no place to hide.
When she came across the site for creative writing, she didn’t think much of it. It was simply something that she could kill time with. It sometimes made her laugh, made her cry and even angry. The stories became a part of her life that nobody could take away. Kara was so grateful for them. And through those stories, there was an author who caught her attention.
At first, Kara only cared about the stories. Then she started commenting on the stories with great investment. Kara even spent time rereading and pointing out the details that she enjoyed and listed them all in the comments. The author loved that so much, they replied to every single comment she wrote. Such simple interactions morphed into a giant part of her life without knowing. Kara had never felt so excited to see the response from the author. She considered them her favorite writer of all time. They ignited the desire to read in Kara once again, something she had lost years ago amidst the daily struggle and unspoken pains she had to endure.
When she had the chance to talk to the author on a more personal level, Kara felt as if she had won the lottery. Turns out the author was even funnier than their stories. Kara couldn’t recall how many times the author had made her laugh so hard she was getting stitches. In such moments, Kara could forget all about the drama at home and the responsibilities that were thrown at her ever since she could talk.
Before Kara even realized, she had had feelings for the author — Lena. And she already didn’t have a lot of thoughts for romance, because she knew her life was not ready or open for it. Her family was too complicated, too needy, too up in her business for her to have any space for anyone new. But the heart did what it wanted. And it wanted Lena.
Fate was twisted enough for them to know each other, and it was crueler the moment Kara found out Lena was married with a child. Kara had never felt such a painful ache in her chest, she had thought she got a heart attack. But it was only her heart that got broken for the first time. Over and over, Kara was reminded that regardless of how loveable this woman was, she was not open to be yearned for. She knew she should stop getting too personal with Lena, for the sake of her own good.
How could she? It was too late. She was already in love with Lena. She was even in love with the way Lena talked about her son, Luke. Through the descriptions, Kara could imagine Luke to be the most adorable boy in this universe. And the fact that Kara would never be able to meet him and to hear his laughter was enough to break her. If she had to consider never knowing what Lena looked like, then leaving for good wasn’t too bad. Not knowing what could be taken away was always better.
Kara knew Lena had jet black hair, was shorter than Kara and born in a family of wealth. Lena never had to work one day in her life. Her only goal was to finish school. After that, her father would have a job ready at the firm for her. But life had a different plan for Lena. Through connections, Jack came into her life. Jack was so much older than Lena and more experienced in life. With him, Lena could have a more exciting life in the big city. That was what Lena thought, at the fresh age of nineteen. They got married so quickly that most of Lena’s friends had no idea she even had a boyfriend until they got the wedding invitation. Wedding and celebration came swiftly with the push from Jack’s family. They wanted their son to settle down.
And settling down also meant children. That was why Lena became a mom at the age of twenty-one. Lena wasn’t used to speaking her mind, and that things were decided for her most of her life. When Lena told Kara about the shock she had had, holding the newborn Luke in her arms, Kara wanted to punch a wall. All of the people around Lena had failed her. She was practically a child when she became a wife and a mother. Who wouldn’t lose their light after that?
Ever since after Luke’s first birthday, Lena said that Jack’s family began to talk about the second child, which scared her so much. Lena definitely did not want another child. She could barely take care of Luke, how could she take care of another baby? Lena wanted to go back to school or at least have a job to get out of the house, but everyone around her was being so discouraging of it, deeming it unnecessary for a married woman with a successful husband to go to work.
Kara knew that writing was Lena’s escape. Through her words, Kara could see an ocean of unburdened feelings and thoughts. Kara treasured them so much, and they made her stay with Lena. This was her decision. She knew it would guarantee heartbreak. She knew she would have to watch Lena play the good wife for a long time. She knew at some points she wouldn’t be able to take it. But she accepted it all.
Lena needed her. And she needed Lena too. Lena’s stories and presence saved her from the darkest moments. She had told Lena as much. As long as Lena understood how much she meant to Kara, it was good enough. Kara would never ask for more.
Kara sat back up straight, she noticed that she got an email. It was from one of the job interviews she went to last week. She got the job. The joy exploded in her chest, running from head to toes. She excitedly wrote Lena the great news, then she deleted the message and set the phone down.
It would be better to not disturb Lena’s night. Kara could always tell Lena the good news tomorrow.