Chapter 7
“Your boyfriend is in the atrium with Cara,” said Karlie, sliding up beside Taylor with a drink in her hand, her perfect pink pout curled back into a smirk. She was wearing a black dress with a slit and white sneakers, her tan legs looking a thousand miles long as she sashayed around the kitchen.
Taylor raised her eyebrow and sat the plate with her half eaten chicken tender down on the edge of the counter. She wasn’t hungry anymore. She would never be that graceful, no matter how hard she tried, no matter how many extra dance lessons she subjected herself too. Karlie moved with a type of naturally balanced grace that Taylor would always envy, and that made her such a sight to see on the catwalk. She was so tall, taller than Taylor, that she should have been gangly and uncoordinated, and yet she was anything but.
“And?” Taylor asked, trying not to relish the fact that Karlie was paying attention to her, after being aloof and distant upon arriving at the party, fashionably late with Josh in tow. Frowning when she saw Taylor and Matty hamming it up in the photo booth, Taylor kissing his cheek while he wore her Santa hat. It made Taylor’s stomach hurt, watching them give their coats to one of Tree’s interns, and floating around Taylor’s home, Karlie moving through the space like she belonged there, because she once had. Matty had followed her gaze, and disappeared, returning a moment later with a drink from the bar, handing it to her silently, bumping her hip with his and flashing her a crooked smile. She could feel the anxiety radiating off of him, but he was trying. She took a sip, and recognized the taste of Diet Coke and vodka, he had noticed.
Karlie had helped Taylor pick the furniture, and the light fixtures, debated paint colors with her, swatches spread across the floor, laying on the carpet Karlie had demanded she purchase. They had insisted on painting the hall bathroom themselves, laughing and kissing and getting more paint on the drop cloth and each other than on the walls. If you looked close enough, you could still see the shadow where Karlie had painted “TS & KK Forever” even after adding a second and third coat over the letters. It made Taylor’s chest hurt when she thought about it. She tried not to.
“They’re in your atrium smoking,” Karlie said, her tone making it clear she was trying to start a fight, trying to drive a wedge between Matty and Taylor. The joke was on her though, thought Taylor, taking a sip of her vodka-Diet Coke, there was nothing to drive a wedge between. The only wedge was between Karlie and herself, and Karlie was the one that had hammered it between them. “And you know how she is.” Karlie continued.
Taylor wondered if they thought they would be able to hotbox the atrium, she could see Cara thinking that was a brilliant idea, and while she didn’t know Matty well, it seemed like something he would go along with. She wondered if they realized it opened to the night sky. It was supposed to snow later that night, she wondered if it was doing so now, and if they were getting caught in it, the cold white flakes sticking to Matty’s hair and sweater like glitter.
Taylor wanted to laugh, though, at Karlie’s faux concern for the health of her relationship. For someone that had spent the better part of two years in a relationship with a woman, Karlie had the worst gaydar of anyone Taylor had ever met. Probably because she was blinded by her own professional jealousy when it came to the British supermodel. She would deny it, but she wanted Cara’s career, wanted to be Karl’s muse, wanted to be booking movies and fought over for fashion week. Taylor had no shame in admitting that Matty was attractive to her, appealing to her own bisexual gaze with his soft features, chipped nail polish and dark curls. She had seen him on Tumblr and attended two of his concerts; he was the lead singer of her favorite band. But she knew Cara of all people wouldn’t be interested, he didn’t have the right parts. But it didn’t matter anyway, for either of them, despite appearances, Matty had a boyfriend.
“Well, where else are they supposed to smoke?” Taylor asked, purposely playing dumb, Karlie had once called it cute, liking to think she was that much smarter than Taylor because she had started taking computer science classes at NYU. Taylor had always stayed silent about her own English classes she was taking, somewhere between twenty one and twenty three deciding it was critical for her to get an English degree, focusing on creative writing and poetry. She was enrolled in classes online under a fake name, not even the professors knowing who she actually was. She wondered now, taking another sip of her drink, why she had felt the need to keep something so important to her from someone she loved so much. “The patio is being renovated, you know that.” And Karlie should know that, she had gone with Taylor to pick out the fucking stone for the decorative wall.
Karlie sighed. “I just wanted to let you know,” she said, “I would want to know if my new boyfriend was getting cozy with another girl.”
“Well maybe that’s the difference between us,” said Taylor, “I actually trust my partners.” Not that there was any kind of trust to break. Matty wasn’t her boyfriend, not really, he was barely even a friend, and even if he was, Cara was the last person she would be concerned about.
“Don’t be like that,” Karlie said, her green eyes flashing dangerously in a way that sent a shiver down Taylor’s spine. She downed the rest of her drink, and turned away from her, deciding she was going to find Selena, or Lily or Este or literally anyone else right now. She was pretty sure that was Jack making out with Lena in the corner. Seemed like everyone was getting some these days but her, she thought.
“I have to go,” said Taylor, “I need to make sure all my guests are enjoying themselves.”
“Can we talk?” said Karlie, changing tactics, her voice taking on a desperate tone, grabbing onto Taylor’s arm, her touch burning the bare skin, “please? Just for a minute?”
“What are we doing right now?” Taylor asked, getting frustrated. Karlie had her, Karlie had every piece of her, she had been willing to fight her label for her, willing to pretend to date Matty to protect her and Karlie had thrown her away and gone running straight into the arms of the most boring man alive, Josh. Karlie was the one who had asked for space. Karlie was the one who wanted to take a break, Karlie was the first one to flaunt a new relationship, hers real, and yet, Taylor found herself once again placed into the role of the villain when she hadn’t even done anything. Karlie broke up with her and now, to try and mediate the backlash from kissgate as Tree had started calling it, they had to still appear as if nothing had changed. Taylor wondered why she was always the one that loved more, that loved harder, that was willing to fight, that was willing to go to war for people that took her love, then cast her aside.
“You know what I mean,” said Karlie, “please?”
And because she was weak, Taylor found herself nodding, leading Karlie out of the kitchen and up the stairs to the master bedroom. She shut the door behind them and sat down on the edge of the bed, Meredith looking up from where she was curled up on the black sweatshirt Matty had left there earlier, which was interesting in itself, Taylor thought, usually Meredith was extremely skeptical of new people, and new smells. Olivia was nowhere to be found, most likely hiding under the bed or sleeping in Taylor’s closet.
Karlie glanced over to where Matty’s suitcase was laying open against the wall, his Doc Marten boots sitting next to it, because he respected her no shoes in the house rule without even having to be told. His phone charger, plugged into a US adapter, was plugged into the wall by the bed. If Karlie looked in the master bathroom, she would find his toiletries on the counter, his towel hanging on the back of the door. Taylor knew it wasn’t real, but seeing Karlie frown as she put the pieces together made Taylor’s heart squeeze.
Even with the doors closed, Taylor could hear the sound of the party downstairs, the laptop set up in the corner, with her friends taking turns playing DJ, people laughing and shouting, dancing and singing along. She was glad she had bought out the entire floor, and had it outfitted with studio grade sound proofing, that would have been just what she needed, one of her neighbors calling the police with a noise complaint. She knew they already weren’t impressed with the constant crowd of paparazzi and fans camped outside their front door. But within her unit, she could hear the party, and how much fun everyone was having. She wondered why, even at her twenty-fifth birthday party, a party that was supposed to be celebrating her, she felt like she was the one watching from the outside.
“You wanted to talk,” said Taylor, throwing her arms open in exasperation as Karlie looked at her, the silence stretching before them, “so talk.”
“I’m, fuck, I’m trying,” said Karlie, stepping forward, “I just, I want to get the words right,” she said softly, “the words were always your area of expertise.” She said and Taylor hated that the complement still made her heart beat faster.
Karlie took another step forward, then another, nudging Taylor’s legs apart with her knee so that she could stand between them, resting her arm on Taylor’s bare shoulders.
“Hi,” she said, causing Taylor to look up at her through her lashes. God, she hated her, but she might just love her more, the emotions so strong they were two sides of the same coin.
“Hi,” said Taylor, swallowing hard, Karlie leaned down, all six foot two of her and gently pressed her lips to Taylor’s.
Taylor whined, the sound involuntarily bubbling up out of her throat as Karlie deepened the kiss, licking between her parted lips, Taylor reached forward, wrapping her arms around Karlie’s waist, tugging her forward and tipping backwards onto the bed, pulling Karlie down on top of her, her hands moving their way down Karlie’s back, feeling the curve of her body under the soft fabric of her dress.
Taylor pulled away, guilt swirling heavily in her stomach as Karlie leaned forward, chasing her lips.
“Stop,” she said, jerking away, pushing Karlie off of her, tears filling her eyes. She wanted to give in, she wanted to get lost in Karlie’s body and never find her way back. She wanted to run away, she wanted to change her name and leave her life behind, Karlie at her side. But she couldn’t. And Karlie would never run with her. She knew that now. No matter how much she loved her, no matter how much it hurt, she knew that she couldn’t do this again, she couldn’t give herself to someone that left her high and dry the second things got hard.
“No one has to know,” said Karlie, swiping her thumb below Taylor’s eye, wiping away the tears that threatened to fall.
“I have a boyfriend,” said Taylor, sitting up, hating herself for ending up in this position. “And so do you.” It hurt to say it, but Josh was in her living room, mingling with her guests. No matter how badly Taylor wanted Karlie, no matter how much she didn’t like him, that wasn’t fair to him. She stood up from the end of the bed, leaving Karlie laying across the end, Meredith looking at them both with unimpressed judgment. Taylor might not know the nature of their relationship, might not know the timeline, or the circumstance but unlike her and Matty, Taylor was willing to bet that Josh and Karlie were actually together.
“So?” Said Karlie, standing up as well, and Taylor’s heart broke all over again. “It’s not serious, it can’t be.”
That made Taylor mad, anger flaring to life in her chest. “You don’t know that,” said Taylor harshly, “and it’s not your place to pass judgment regardless.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” Karlie asked.
“It means that you had Josh waiting in the wings the entirety of our relationship!” said Taylor, the words bubbling to the surface, despite Karlie’s early compliment, Taylor knew she was currently anything but eloquent.
“His parents are friends with mine!” Karlie said, “he was just always around!”
“Were you fucking him too?” Taylor asked, her voice turning cold, she didn’t recognize herself as she spoke. “Because I thought we were exclusive, I thought that you were my girlfriend, and mine alone but it seems like maybe that wasn’t the case.”
“Taylor-” Karlie started but Taylor just shook her head, too many emotions stirring inside of her to think straight at the moment.
“I think you and Josh should leave,” Taylor said. “You were here, you got the pictures, everyone saw you, but I think it’s time to leave.”
“But-” Karlie started and Taylor just shook her head.
“I’m going to fix my makeup. I want you gone by the time I get back.”
“Are we okay?” Karlie asked, sounding small. Taylor wondered if she really had wanted to talk, if there really was something that she wanted to say, or if she had just been looking for a quickie upstairs.
“Were we ever?” Taylor asked, turning away from her. She heard Karlie sigh and the door to her bedroom open, the sound of the party getting louder before the door closed, the sound muffled once again.
Taylor swallowed hard and stared down her reflection in the bathroom mirror. She couldn’t cry, not really, not now, not with everyone downstairs, most likely looking for her. She had left Matty alone down there, the only person he really knew down there, other than herself being Selena. She touched up her eyeliner and fixed her lipstick. She was going to be okay. It was going to be okay. She just needed to compartmentalize. She needed to get through the rest of her party, see if maybe she could enjoy herself, and then tomorrow morning she could have a nice cry in the shower without Matty, or anyone else knowing. It was all going to be fine.
“You are fine.” She told her reflection, running a brush through her hair. “You are fine.” She was very much not fine, actually, but now wasn’t the time to deal with it. She thought about calling her mom, but thought better of it. She was upset, and while she wasn’t drunk, she had been drinking, and while her mother knew about her and Karlie, and knew that they had broken up, Taylor hadn’t had the heart, or the nerve to tell her that her relationship with Matty was all for show.
She thought she was jumping into happiness with the lead singer of her favorite band, like Karlie, she thought Matty had impeccable timing, sliding into her DMs as things with Karlie fell apart. She didn’t want to subject herself to her mother’s pity, and then the concern that she was taking advantage of Matty, which if she thought too hard about it, she really was. This hadn’t been his idea, had been something he had barely agreed to, coerced into it by his manager and publicist while high. She would worry about the morality of her fake relationship later, she needed to get through the rest of tonight.
“You got this,” she told her reflection one last time. “You are Taylor fucking Swift and you are a strong independant woman who doesn’t need a man or woman.”
With a deep breath, she turned out the light and left the bathroom, shutting her bedroom door behind her to keep the party goers out, and the cats inside as she made her way back downstairs. A remix of “Anaconda” by Nicki Manaj was currently blasting through her sound system. She went to the makeshift bar and quickly downed two vodka shots, before ordering another vodka-Diet Coke, turning to realize that Jack was the one currently in control of the DJ set up, meaning he was remixing “Anaconda" in real time. She smiled, thanking the bartender for her drink and heading back into the masses, Selena was up on the coffee table, dancing with Emma and Taylor was pretty sure she needed to have joined them yesterday.
“Anaconda” faded out into a remix of “Sex” by The 1975 and Taylor groaned at the smirk that Jack sent her, pointing at her causing her to flush. She knew he had chosen the song specifically after seeing her up on the table. She wondered where Matty was and if he would be thrilled or embarrassed that his vocals were now vibrating through her living room, especially with Jack implying that was what they were going to be doing later. Selena grabbed her hand and spun her around, and Taylor decided she wasn’t going to worry about it, she wasn’t going to worry about anything the rest of the night. It was her birthday. Karlie was gone, and she was dancing on her coffee table wearing custom cat socks with her best friend, while her other best friend remixed one of her favorite songs. She was going to have a goodnight goddammit.
A few songs later, and Taylor found herself stumbling off the table and landing heavily on her couch, Selena coming to sit next to her, Jack relishing DJ duties to Nick Jonas.
“The bitch left,” Selena said happily, as Jack came and sat down on Taylor’s other side, his glasses crooked. Taylor wondered where Lena was.
“I know,” said Taylor, she opened her mouth to elaborate but looked up just in time to see Matty. Apparently he wasn’t trying to hotbox her atrium anymore. She giggled, she wasn’t sure how they thought that was going to work anyway, it didn’t have a roof.
“TAYLOR!” Matty whisper-shouted, staggering towards her. He was drunk, his cheeks flushed, as he waved his hands at her enthusiastically, thankfully, though probably due to many years of practice, the wine bottle he was holding stayed upright, and none of the burgundy liquid ended up on her carpet, the one Karlie had picked out. His curls were askew, the Santa hat missing, but they looked soft and fluffy, like a baby kitten’s fur. She wanted to pet them, she wanted to see if they were as soft as they looked and if they were she wanted to build a nest in them and stay there forever.
Matty blinked at her in confusion, and Selena burst into laughter from where she was sitting to her left, curling in on herself as she cackled. Jack, on her right, just plucked the glass of Diet Coke and vodka she was holding out of her hand and downed it himself. Huh, she thought, did she say that out loud? Maybe she was drunk too. She wondered when that had happened. She still wanted to pet Matty’s curls though.
“Taylor,” Matty said again, his tone so incredibly serious that Taylor couldn’t help but giggle, reaching forward to grab his wrist, and pull him closer towards her. He stumbled as he did so, still holding onto the wine bottle and ended up half on the couch and half on her lap, taking a sip from it as soon as he was no longer falling. She reached up and ran her fingers through his hair, sighing happily to herself. It was as soft as it looked. She wondered if he had borrowed her conditioner. She hoped he did, she liked the idea that he was going to smell like her, she leaned up to try and get a sniff but all she could smell was tobacco smoke.
“Taylor,” he said again, melting into her touch as she scratched at his scalp with her blunt nails. She wondered if she should get acrylics now that things between her and Karlie were officially over.
“Did you just sniff him?” Selena asked, laughing but Taylor ignored her.
“What Matty?” she asked at last, as he shifted against her, his eyes drifting shut, he hummed as she tugged on one of the curls, watching in fascination as it sprung back into shape. She tugged on it again, and once again it bounced back, a perfect coiled spring.
“Beyonce is in your kitchen,” he slurred against her neck and Taylor giggled.
“Well I would fucking hope so,” she said, “she RSVPed yes to the party.”
“That’s so fucking mental,” he slurred, “I’m at a party with fucking Beyonce.”
“And you’re currently fucking Taylor Fucking Swift,” Jack supplied helpfully causing Matty to burst into laughter, burying his face into the crook of Taylor’s neck. He was so fucking drunk, Taylor thought, giggling as she tugged on the curl again. But then again, everything had taken on a hazy movie like quality, making her think that she was too.
“Yeah no shit Swift,” said Selena laughing. “You’re both hammered.”
Oh, she had said that out loud too.
“You smell nice,” Matty said, in his own little world where only the two of them existed, ignoring Selena and Jack, who he had been starstruck to meet earlier. His breath was hot against her burning skin. Taylor continued scratching gently at his scalp, she must have found the right spot because Matty shuttered against her, shifting so that she was essentially pinned onto the couch, Matty a loose weight across her lap. She could feel the jut of his hip bone digging into her thigh.
“Do you think I should get acrylics?” Taylor asked, turning to look at Selena as much as she could with the British octopus currently trying to crawl into her skin.
“Can you still play guitar with acrylics?” Selena asked, humoring Taylor.
“I don’t know,” said Taylor, Matty making a little whine of annoyance when Taylor had stopped moving her hand, she giggled and continued to scratch at his head. “I’ve never tried.”
She wasn’t playing guitar as much anymore, anyway, at least not in front of a crowd. She hadn’t played at all during the Jingle Ball show, instead leaning into her newly adopted popstar persona and utilizing back up dancers.
“You should do whatever makes you happy babe,” said Selena reaching forward to bop Taylor on the nose. Taylor scrunched up her nose in response, but stayed silent.
She must have fallen asleep, at least for a few minutes, because when she came too, she had a mouth full of Matty’s hair, and his nose was in her cleavage as he snored softly. Nick was gone, and the party seemed as if it was winding down, the laptop abandoned with a playlist of ambient music.
“You guys are really cute,” said Jack, seeing that Taylor was awake again, “I think you guys are good for each other.” He elaborated before yawning as he stood up. “Lena and I are going to head out though.” He gave Taylor’s shoulder a squeeze and leaned down to kiss the top of her head. “Thank you for having us, and happy birthday.”
That’s when Taylor realized it was so late it had started to get early.
“Thanks for coming,” slurred Taylor sleepily, “the four of us will have to do brunch.”
“I’d like that,” said Jack with a smile, “I’d love to chat with Matty about his next album.”
Taylor snorted, “I’m sure you would.”
Jack just smiled, “Good night,” he said, taking his leave.
“Matty,” she said, once Jack was gone, shaking him gently, “Matty, wake up, it’s time for bed.”
“Why do I have to wake up if it’s time for bed?” he muttered against her breast. He was trembling she realized, she wondered if that was something that always happened when he drank.
“Because we’re on the couch and I’m not carrying you,” she said, swallowing a yawn. “And I want to go to bed, in my bed.”
Matty groaned. “Fine,” he said, cracking open one of his bloodshot eyes.
“That means you actually have to get up,” Taylor said and he groaned dramatically, rolling off of her and flopping fully onto the floor, not even trying to break his fall as he fell. He let out a pathetic sounding whimper, when Taylor reached out her foot to nudge him in the ribs with her toe.
“The room is spinning,” he said, “why is your house spinning?”
Taylor thought about the bottle of wine he had finished during the concert, about how he hadn’t been without a drink throughout the course of the party, about how the wine bottle he had been carrying around with him was now empty. It was a miracle he was conscious, conversing with her, at all.
“Don’t throw up on my rug.” She said instead, the words leaving her lips before she even finished comprehending them, she rolled over on the couch, looking down at Matty on the floor, realizing for the first time that Selena was also gone, most likely having seen herself up to the guest room while Taylor was taking her cat nap.
“I’m not going to throw up on your rug,” Matty said, somehow sounding indigent, “I’m not a teenager.” He paused, “also, I thought we were supposed to be getting up to go to bed.”
“I am,” said Taylor, closing her eyes again as she sunk into her couch cushions. She really had picked an extremely comfortable couch. Maybe she could just stay down here and Matty could go up to bed.
She blinked her eyes open, realizing that Matty was now standing over her, leaning on the arm of the couch to keep himself upright.
“Bed.” he said looking at her with red, watery eyes.
“Bed,” Taylor agreed, heaving herself up off the couch, and giggling when she bonked into Matty, nearly sending them both crashing to the floor.
“Bed!” Matty echoed, laughing himself, as they staggered towards the stairs, clinging to one another for support.
“Bed!” Taylor giggled. They had to take a break at the bottom of the stairs, Matty’s face buried in her stomach as they laughed about the mountain they were about to climb. On her hands and knees, Matty trailing behind her, they made it to the top of the staircase.
Taylor pulled off her plaid pants and crop top, leaving her in her bra and panties as Matty wiggled out of his jeans, but left the Christmas sweater, he was still shivering Taylor realized as she slithered under the covers and he continued to stand, swaying slightly at the end of the bed, looking at her with dark eyes, his arms wrapped around himself.
“You’re not going to puke are you?” she asked again, just wanting to be sure. She was thinking she might be sick herself. She knew she should drink some water and take her makeup off, and that they both wore contacts and probably shouldn’t sleep in them but doing something about it all seemed so difficult and far away.
“No,” he said again, his voice rough.
“Then get in the fucking bed,” Taylor said, she wanted to go to sleep, but even tired and drunk the urge to be a good host won out.
“Are you sure?” Matty asked, teeth chattering as he shook. "I can take the couch, I just need a blanket."
“Get in the fucking bed,” Taylor said, and this time he obeyed, climbing in after her and instantly curling in on himself. Taylor sighed and turned off the light. It was going to be like that then. She thought, rolling over so that her back was to Matty. She had thought maybe, after the way he had been all over her on the couch, the way he was clearly freezing, that maybe they would get to cuddle. It was nice getting to hold someone again, but she guessed she was wrong. She felt one of the cats jump up on the bed, but she found herself drifting off before she could see who it was, and where they had decided to settle for the night. She felt Matty shift beside her.
“Stop moving.” she hissed not opening her eyes, maybe she was going to have to send him downstairs.
“Sorry,” he murmured. Taylor didn’t know if he listened or not.