now... we wait
Its been three years since I’d been involved with them. Any of them. To the day, this Saturday.
I’d successfully avoided them for three years. Though I suppose they weren’t in to hurry to see me, either.
But as a “rising star” in the military, meeting Colonel Rhodes was likely. And damn Parker luck made it inevitable. However, I hoped I could put it off just a little bit longer, just enough to go back to my place in Hell’s Kitchen and pack everything up. Sell most of it and the shitty apartment.
Nope. Earlier that day, before I was released, I got a call. Rhodes wanted to meet me that Saturday.
I sighed, slipping out the back door with my mask secured on my face and my suit on.
Everything would have to wait.
***
Apparently, everyone knew about the decision to ruin my goddamn life.
Wade dropped by the hotel I was put in, ready to help in any way he could. As soon as he walked in through the door, my roommate waggled his eyes and suddenly had somewhere to be. We crashed on the couch, ready to binge whatever stupid, new show we could find, but as the TV flicked on…
Well, of course it was the Daily Bugle. I would’ve found the fact that they were praising Major Nokk Rowan funny if it hadn’t come at that exact moment. The irony was not wasted on me, that they'd hate me when I didn’t kill, but loved me when I did.
No one- not even Wade- knew who I was. Knew that Major Nokk Rowan and Peter Parker, homeless junkie, masked vigilante, were one in the same. And I knew that was a problem, that I was hiding my entire past from my fiancee, but…
He couldn’t know.
No one could.
So, as my name flashed across the screen, I- understandably so- froze. “Huh,” Wade murmured. “You know, I used to hate the Daily Bugle. I mean, I still do, but… this makes them a bit better.”
I forcibly relaxed, letting my head loll onto his shoulder. “Not that I disagree… but why did you hate them?”
He audibly swallowed above me. “I used to have a friend. I didn’t know his actual name, and we only hung out with masks on, but… the Daily Bugle trashed him from the moment he made himself known. And continued to mock and degrade him after he disappeared. Its been a couple of years, you know, since he left, but I still hope that he's out there. He's alive.”
Shock rippled through me. What a day that was, after the arranged date to meet with the one man who would bring down my entire life with one look, I learned the man I love knew me before. Back when I was desperate for any way to get my next hit.
Though I knew how much of an amazing man Wade was, the thought still nagged at me. That, when I told him the truth, he wouldn’t be able to handle it. What I’d done to feed my addiction.
“I’m so sorry.” I was an addict back then, but I was still an addict the day the date was set.
***
That night, as we laid on the queen-size mattress, I starred at the light laying on Wade’s chest. The dips and pools of moonlight draped over the mountains of scars crisscrossing the hard muscle. Wade didn’t stir as I ran my pointer finger over the grooves of the abused skin.
He’ll hate me.
I rolled off the bed, sparing a single second to savor the feel of the sheets between my fingers, and strode to the bathroom. With how many times I’d done it already, I already knew how to pack a getaway bag. I’d hidden it underneath the sink in the bathroom, with a wall of paper towels, cleaning supplies, and toilet paper protecting it from view.
My hand was on the doorknob when I heard the sheets shifting in the other room. I froze.
“…Nokk?”
I swallowed quietly. Turned around. “Just in the bathroom, Wade.”
***
The next day, Wade begged me to let him take me out. A surprise, he said, and that I had to trust him.
Now, I always had a problem with trust. Especially since I’d tried to run the previous night. So my anxiety from the upcoming meeting was doubled by my lack of sleep and tripled by my lack of ability to leave. Then, I had to trust someone with my life.
Luckily, it was the one person I knew I could trust.
That didn't stop me from worrying. In the car, I gripped the handle on top as tight as I dared without breaking it. An old habit that I’d never bothered to curb came back, and I dragged my nails back and forth across the palm of my free hand.
From the drivers seat, Wade glanced down at my habit. A second later his warm, larger hand settled over mine, quieting the grounding pinpricks. “You’ll be okay, Nokk. I promise. I think you’ll enjoy it, but if you ever feel like you need to go home, we can get out asap. I swear.”
I looked over to study the curve of his throat, dragging my eyes up to trace the lines of his face. “I know. I trust you.” I took a deep breath. “I just… get nervous.” My voice wavered.
He squeezed my hand, voice soft. “I know. But you're going to like this.”
The ride was surprisingly quick. It didn’t give me much time to get more freaked out, which was good. When we pulled into the parking lot, I melted.
Melted into my seat.
“Oh, Wade…” I said, turning to look at him. After he parked, I traced his jaw with my thumb, leaning over to press a lingering kiss onto his lips.
“I thought you might prefer this to a classic dinner date. You know, to take your mind off of everything…” Wade trailed off, uncertainty coloring his voice. “If you don’t like it, we can go back-“
“No. Wade, its… its perfect.”
Wade had picked a place where I could be surrounded by what I loved, while still being able to help. To work. He volunteered us at an anima, shelter.
As we passed through the doors, I had to admit- I squealed.
***
We spent the day at the shelter.
I loved it, but it tore me apart. I loved Wade Wilson. I loved Wade Wilson, and the thought that I had to leave him ripped me to shreds.
But if I stayed, and the world learned who I was… Wade Wilson would be the first to be taken, tortured. If Colonel Rhodes saw me, he’d go to Mr. Stark and they'd tell the world that Private N. Rowan was really a deadbeat from Queens… and, you know, an ex-vigilante.
And even with Wade’s abilities, he’d be taken in and forced into a life as a lab rat.
So I had to leave.
I had to.
If I didn’t, the next day would bring exactly what I feared.
***
An hour after we turned in, Wade had a nightmare.
I hadn’t slept, of course. But Wade soon started whimpering, calling out. Squeezing his fists, shaking his head desperately from side to side.
“Shhh, shh. You’re okay, Wade. It’s me, its Nokk,” I whispered, stroking his face, smoothing his hair. Anything so sooth him after he violently jerked awake. “We’re okay, baby.”
“Nokk,” He sobbed, reaching for me. “Nokk.”
“We’re in the hotel in Manhattan. In several hours we’re going to meet Colonel James Rhodes, to discuss my career in the military. Then after, we’re going to come back here. And I’m going to kiss you.” I pressed my lips to his forehead. “Slowly, softly, and I’m going to hold you while we binge Umbrella Academy for the tenth time.”
Wade was slowly coming to, the heart-shattering sobs fading into whimpers against the crook of my neck. I cradled his head, letting him bow over me. “Shhh, you’re okay. We’re okay.”
Time passed. Minutes or hours, I didn’t know, but I laid there, holding him. Eventually, he whispered onto my neck, “please don't leave. Please don’t leave me.”
The pain in my chest spiderwebbed. “I’m right here, Wade, I’m here.”
***
The morning was surprisingly quiet. Uneventful.
I woke up to Wade thanking someone at the door.
He whistled as he wheeled the cart into our room. Blearily, I reached out toward him, grumbling. He smiled softly at me, taking a seat on the right side of the bed. I curled around him, kissing any skin I could find underneath his black t-shirt.
“Wade, Wade, Wade.”
He hummed. “Nokk, Nokk, Nokk.”
“Come back to bed…”
He paused uncovering the dishes to drag his hand through my hair. “No, baby, we have to get up. We have a meeting soon.”
We have a… a meeting…
Colonel Rhodes.
Panic hit me like a freight train.
Wade’s hands were on my shoulders, pushing me down. “Hey, now, none of that. You’ll be fine, I promise. He’s going to love you,” he murmured, stroking my bare skin. “You’ll be okay.”
I focused on his exaggerated breathing, forcing my lungs to draw in, deep, and slowly let go. Again and again.
“Wade,” I breathed.
“Yeah, babe. I’m right here.”
“Wade.” I gripped his wrists tightly. “I have to get out of here.”
He looked startled. “What? No, Nokk- this is your career. Your life. You have to go.”
I swallowed a sob. That’s the point, I wanted to say. To tell him that the moment I went to that meeting, I wouldn’t be Nokk Rowan anymore.
Mr. Stark knew everything I’d done to get my hands on drugs back then, things that had happened to me. Things that still terrify me. By extension, Colonel Rhodes knew everything, too. They told each other everything. Colonel Rhodes wouldn’t even have to go to Tony to ruin my life.
He could do it himself.
I lunged up to wrap my arms roughly around him, pressing my face into his shoulder. His hands came up around me, starting to rock us slowly. “Whatever happens today, Wade, I love you. Okay? I love you. And I’m sorry.”
He hummed. “What could you possibly have to be sorry for, Nokk?”
So much.