goodbye, myself
Once again, the drive was full of anxiety. Except this time I was driving. I was told to use my army Jeep, a large, bulletproof car that was more of a tank, without the weapons, and due to protocols, I was the only one allowed to drive it.
Next to me, Wade kept up a string of babbling that I was sure he was only half-listening to, but I was grateful for the distraction. I had to have faith that Wade could take care of himself, and that him hating me would discourage anyone looking to harm him.
I repeated that in my head again in again to stop myself from just jumping out and running. With my
enhancements, I’d most likely be able to get away.
But I couldn’t do that to Wade.
Not when these were the last couple of minutes I’d ever have with him.
Dread turned my limbs to stone. Around the steering wheel, I tightened my fists, hoping the pain would force me to pay attention. Wade noticed, of course, but he didn’t comment on it. Instead he reached over, his hand on my knee, and squeezed.
I’m here, he seemed to say.
I flashed him a grateful smile before he continued babbling.
***
“Rhodey- please come back.”
Colonel Rhodes sighed at his phone, resting on the his dashboard. “Pepper, I have a meeting. A meeting I have to go to.”
She audibly swallowed. “And you know I'm the last person to ask you to skip it. But he’s… he’s almost hysterical. Hasn’t slept in days.”
“Why?”
“He thinks he found him. Peter.”
“Its been three years. I miss him too, I really do. But he’s either dead or gone.”
“I- I know. But he doesn’t. Just, please, Rhodey?”
He bit back another sigh and pulled off the road to reprogram his GPS. “Okay, Pep. See you soon.”
“Thank you. Really.”
***
He knew he’d said it before, but this time- this time it really was Peter. It had to be.
The facial recognition was an exact match.
Maybe he was tired, but that didn’t matter. He’d abandoned Peter for three years.
And this one was a stretch. He realized that. He knew he’d believed he’d found Peter so many times
before, and been wrong every time.
“FRI,” Tony gasped out. “FRI, is it really him?”
“Indeed, boss. The facial recognition is an exact match.”
***
“This is Rowan,” I barked into my phone. I’d almost crushed the device after it startled me out of my anxiety-ridden stupor. I was just able to restrain myself as Wade looked over.
“Colonel Rhodes isn’t able to make it. Personal business has called him away.” Jameson, my superior, growled. “And check the tone, Major.”
I sagged with relief. Wade slipped half-behind me, supporting my weight with his chest and shoulder. “Yessir.” I tried not to let anything slip into my voice.
“You’ve been rescheduled for two days from now. Same place. Don’t screw it up, Major.” With that, he hung up.
I let my head loll back onto Wade’s shoulder. His arms slipped around my waist, under my arms. “You’re okay.”
I released a long breath I didn’t know I’d been holding. “Yeah. Yes.” I didn’t know who I was trying to convince- me or him.
He sighed into my hair. “Let’s head back to the hotel, yeah? We can order some pickup on the way.”
I lightly squeezed his wrist. “Yeah, okay.”
***
I sat in Wade’s lap on the bed, his laptop in front of us and a tall plate of waffles on the tray beside us. I’d yet to touch the food, and I knew Wade noticed, but neither one of us mentioned it. Some mindless movie played on the screen, but I wasn’t paying attention.
I picked up Wade’s wrist from where it lay on the comforter and brought it up to rest on my chest. After a second of savoring the warm weight, I picked it up again to press my lips against the silver band around his ring finger.
Wade almost purred, the vibrations welcome against my back. His other arm pulled me farther against him. “What’s goin’ on in that brain of yours, sweetheart?”
Idly, I surveyed the room to buy myself time. I considered telling him everything. All of it.
“Just how lucky I am.”
For another selfish, two days with him.
***
“I need you to get me a safe house.”
Bo wasn’t surprised to hear from me. He was the only contact I kept from my life on the streets- a man who worked with the mercenaries and killers in New York’s underbelly. “Well, Parker. Or Rowan, I suppose. It’s been a while.”
“Are you able to secure one for me in two days? I need it by that night.”
“Sure, kid. I’ve got one on the outskirts of Stamford, in Southern Connecticut. It’s a little less than an hour by car.”
“Great. It’s not for me. It’s just a precaution. I need a team, too. Keep it sleek and slim, no more than fifteen people. Set them up for an extraction and protection mission.” I needed something to ensure that Wade got away, safely.
On the line, Bo grunted. “Got it. My A team just finished up their last job last week, and they’re laying low. They’re up for it. But ya know this is gonna cost you, right?”
“Of course.”
“Aight, you can reach Alpha at-“
***
I stepped quietly back into the room, closing the door behind me with a click. Immediately, I slid in the deadbolt and double checked it.
When I was done, I reseted my forehead against the hard wood, a sigh slipping from my lips. I knew this was coming. I knew if from the second I changed my name.
I’d been living on borrowed time every day for the past three years, and that time was soon to be up.
I’d given little thought to what would actually happen when Tony learned who I was. I knew my life as Nokk Rowan would be over. New he’d go online and tell people, and they’d realize Nokk Rowan didn’t actually exist.
They wouldn’t be able to strip me of my position as Major, given that everything was technically legal. The name change, the stripping of contacts, even the disappearance, was all technically above-board.
But if Peter Parker came out, there would definitely be people willing to come after Wade to get at me. It’s a disgrace to lie to the public.
Not to mention that if Peter Parker came out, Spiderman would likely follow. A target on Wade’s back.
I’d go with Rhodes and Tony if it gave Wade just an hour of protection.
***
“Nokk?”
I gasped and spun, instinctively going for the web shooters that were no longer there.
“Whoa there, it’s just me.” Wade opened the door to the bathroom slowly, hands out. As if I was a startled animal he was trying not to spook.
I swallowed, breaking eye contact to look at the ground. Water from the shower ran down my face, causing me to blink away the moisture. “Sorry.”
His shoulders slumped a bit, and he walked toward me. “Hey, I thought we’d gotten over that. You know you don’t have to apologize for anything like that.” Hand on the shower handle, he looked at me for permission. I nodded.
He reached for me, tucking me under his chin. “Sorry- ah, old habits die hard, I guess,” I murmured into the warm skin of his neck.
He hummed quietly, and started to rock us gently.
We stood there for a while, water running down our bare bodies. Eventually Wade started humming again, some song mildly familiar.
“I don’t know if I can do this,” I whispered.
He quieted. “I… I don’t know what you’re going through, Nokk, but I know you’ll pull through. You always do. But I can’t help if you don't let me in.” He paused. “Please let me in.”
“I can’t. You’d hate me. I hate me for it.”
He pushed me away slightly to look down at me. “You know I’d never hate you. Never.”
I stared into his blue eyes, determination lining them harshly.
My mouth moved of it’s own accord.
“You might.”
***
After the shower, we were distant.
Wade dried off and put on clothes, and then he was out the door with only a second of hesitation. A moment for me to ask him to stay. When I didn’t, he simply sighed, and let the door shut behind him.
I stared after him, naked, for longer than I cared to admit. Eventually, I sank to the floor, crumpling over my legs, but I stared at that closed door until the sun went down.
I had one night and one morning left.
After I snapped out of it, I pulled up contacts in my phone, hitting the call button of Bo’s contact before I even realized what was happening.
“Sir?”
“Alpha. Is your team ready?”
“They’ll be there and ready at seven, ready for the go ahead.”
“Good. When he walks out, take four cars and trail him. You know the plan. Wait for my signal.”
“Yessir.”
Click.
***
When Rhodey had walked into Tony’s lab, hell broke loose.
Immediately he noticed the state of the room. Messy, chaotic, as usual, but a series of holograms and tests showed up everywhere, all focused on the same thing- Peter Parker.
“Rhodey- Rhodes, I’ve got him, I found him-“ Tony’s voice was shaky, panicky. As he turned around, Rhodey took in the dark, thick bags under his eyes. The thinness of his face.
“Tony-“
“No, you don’t understand. I ran a facial recognition test- its 100% him, Rhodey. Same prints, too.”
Rhodes sighed. He knew he had to let Tony speak, even if he knew it was giving him false hope.
“Look- look at this photo.” Indeed, it was a picture of Peter Parker- maybe a bit healthier than they’d last seen him, and in a uniform.
“That’s Major Nokk Rowan, Rhodey. That’s who Peter’s been for the past three years. Nokk suddenly showed up- theres no records of him anywhere before then. His prints are the exact same.”
“Tony, that’s not Peter. Its a coincidence.”
“It’s not- it’s really him this time-“
“C’mon Tones, lets get you to bed.”
“No, you have to believe me!” Tony begged, hands splayed on the table.
Rhodey sighed. “I have a meeting with Nokk Rowan in two days. I’ll see who he is, if you go to bed. Now.”
***
Even Rhodey had to admit, the kid did look a lot like Parker. And he had the same prints.
***
I moved through the morning in a haze.
Wade texted me to know he’d be there on time, ready to meet the Colonel with me.
I looked up from my phone and into the mirror, one last time before I left, and said,
“Goodbye, Nokk.”