Chapter 4
Looking out of the window of his chambers of the tower, he noticed perhaps for the first time that since he had come back to Midgard, the seasons had changed. When he had first looked out of the very same window to access his surroundings, the trees had been bare, snow had covered the streets and everything else that eyes could see. Now, the trees were lush and green, few and sparse though they were, except the central park that was not actually at the center of the city.
He supposed he was not surprised at the passage of time. Time, for an immortal such as him who had seidr in his veins would live for thousands of years yet. But, the glaring fact that the seasons in Midgard could change was perhaps what drove home that he had left his life behind.
It was not to say that Loki had never contemplated life after his fall from grace, quite literally. But he had never had the time to dwell on it for more than a few moments at any given time, until now.
Between believing he was falling to his death and would become a part of Yggdrasil when he fallen far enough, being tortured at the hands of Thanos and his elk, being forced to take over Midgard, sitting in an Asgardian jail cell, finding out his mother had died- probably as a consequence to his actions, finding the bindings on his magic, he never had the time for idle thoughts.
Now, he looked at the mortals as they rushed about life as if it would end any moment now- which it might- looking like a mad ant hive, he found that there was nothing more to be gained today. The bindings on his magic were almost released and he needed to rest before he could start working on him again.
He closed his eyes and openned his mind.
All at once, he felt overwhelmed, he had been avoiding this- perhaps for good reason. But it was done now, he could only go through them.
The very first thing he felt when he opened the gates in his mind behind which he had shoved all his emotions was the profound grief Mother's passing had caused in him. His face grew wet, his breathing shuddered, his hands shook and he finally, finally allowed himself to think about what had always been in his mind.
"It was all my fault."
It roared in his head, past the blood rushing in his ears, past the heat he felt in his head and the cold he felt in his limbs. The thought swirled in his head, danced before his mind's eye.
He remembered her smiles, laughs, glares and tears. Her eyes the colour of the Vanaheim oceans and her hair the colour of honey. Her slender, calloused hands, her voice as she berated him for yet again causing mayhem in the palace. Her warmth and her hugs.
Loki knew he would regret not talking to her for the rest of his life. The one last time he could have talked to her, when she had come to him. He remembered her tears, her frustration and disappointment at him.
He was such a bad son, no wonder he had caused her death. He was nothing but a curse for those around him. His mind supplied him with another image of her; broken body, twisted limbs, vacant eyes and screaming lips. Bloodied broken hands and a gapping wound in her belly, her perfect, well maintained gown torn and shredded in various places and bloodied in others.
He wasn't aware when he started, but he screamed out his grief, long and hard. Voice shrill and hoarse, breathy and desperate, cracking and disjointed.
When he stopped once, he screamed again, and again and again. Until there was nothing left to give.
He didn't know when he fell to the floor, didn't feel it when his palms bled from blunted nails, didn't notice when his voice grew weak, didn't notice when he tore at himself. His throat, his neck, his face, his chest.
Neither did he feel it when he tore the tunic he wore with his blood covered nails. Or when he scratched his chest.
When he felt the press of handcuffs on his wrists, he scratched at his wrists with broken nails and locked fingers.
"... you will wear these while you reflect why you should not have turned your brother's feast into mice, Loki...."
Her frowning face, her swaying hair. The rustling of her long skirts. The clattering of her heeled shoes. Her big hand holding his tiny one as she pulled him along.
"NO!" He screamed again, his voice guttural and wet. Almost as if his throat was bleeding.
"... I am modifying them again, your seidr keeps expanding..." Her voice was at once proud and exasperated.
He felt his desperation rise. He wanted them off!
"... You are getting to big for this, Loki. . .These probably the only ones that can hold you now..." Her hair had been braided with flowers that day as she tilted her head to meet his eyes. Reached up to brush his hair. Her smile was sad.
'I always made her sad!'
He wanted them off!
OFF!
"OFF!" He screamed, as he tore away a manacle and flung it at the glass wall; just like the wall of his prison cell.
He tore the remaining one with his teeth, taking flesh and blood with it as he spat out the broken metal.
Away from him at last, the manacles seemingly took the last of his strength with it as he slumped to the floor covered in his blood.
He felt a bone deep exhaustion that left him feeling lethargic and sluggish, as if his veins were filled with tar.
He slowly closed his eyes as he felt the blood run down his cheeks.
Some floors above Loki's, the Avengers had all gathered in the gym for some much-needed team bonding exercises. The sound of screaming had alerted all of them and Tony had asked J.A.R.V.I.S. about the source. Every one in the room was surprised, some more than others. In their indivisual ways, they had all accepted Loki's grudging presence in the tower.
It helped that all of them were assured by the magic cancelling handcuffs and J.A.R.V.I.S.s' 24/7 surveillance. It also helped that apart from the common room's book shelves and the dining table, he didn't wander around the tower at all, except for the one visit to Bruce's lab months ago.
Tony knew he spoke for all of them when he thought they had grown used to Loki and had started thinking of him as part of the furniture. He never spoke, nor was he ever spoken to. The sorcerer moved silent as a ghost and avoided everyone who wasn't Steve.
Watching through on the gym projector as he screamed and clawed off his skin was highly disturbing. Seeing him tear his wrists bloody had been nauseous. Looking at the projection as he tore and bit away the metal handcuffs and fainted made Tony want to join him in dreamland
That man was, for whatever reason, not in his slightly sane mind. Loki had not used any extraordinary strength. He had suffered what Tony was willing to bet was a panic attack and had not rationally removed his magic cancellers.
'Which means, he has always been able to take them off.' His mind was working a mile a second as he thought about all the implications of the fact.
'Loki wanted to stay here?!' Tony Stark was sure he had never said anything more absurd in this year, considering who he was and what he did, that thought alone was frightening.
He was about to turn to face the others as his mind crashed for some precious seconds, when he suddenly became aware of the new activity on the screen.
The injuries Loki had inflicted on himself in the past eight minutes were starting to glow. It started from his face, moving down gently, almost like dripping water. As the glow of his injuries brightened, a new shimmer of gold was added to the screen. Kneeling beside Loki's prone form was the faded image of a beautiful woman of honeyed hair and golden skin. She had her hands touching the sides of Loki's face.
When those injuries were healed, she gently touched his neck with one hand and his open chest with another. The glow on these injuries was brighter, as if capturing the rays of burning sun. Then the glow remained just in his chest and slowly dimmed in size and brightness until it too, was gone.
She delicately held his wrists in one hand each, covering the wounds with them. This time the light in the room was blinding. When vision gained strength once more, the woman had her lips pressed to Loki's head as tears streamed her face, when they dropped on Loki's face, they glittered like diamonds in the light and one sank beneath the skin while the other hardened and rolled off to lay on the floor beside his ear, glowing like an ember, the same shade of gold as the light that healed his wounds.
With a final brush of her hand against his hair, the woman rose to her feet.
The Avengers watched the strange happenings with gapping jaws. No one knew what was going on. Times like these, this being the first since the battle of New York, made them realise that Loki was not a normal alien in any capacity. He was a sorcerer. That he dealt in magic, something beyond their comprehension.
Tony's mind whirled about as he thought of what great resources lay just within his reach and he had never bothered to use. Being reminded of his theory from a moment ago, he felt his brain buzz with all that Loki could do and hadn't; because he wanted to stay in the Tower.
Bruce felt stunned, watching Loki butcher himself with his own hands had been a startling scene full of horror that triggered similar memories of his own. Watching the golden magic of the woman had done had filled him with peace. He suddenly remembered the conversation he had had with Loki months ago. Magic could create even life!
Steve hadn't been able to move as he watched the man he had befriended and shown his weakest self to, fall prey to his own weakness, he didn't know what had caused it in Loki and he didn't not need to know it. He just wanted to comfort him but he felt frozen in place, horrified and almost sick with worry. Then, when he had finally been able to move, the blonde woman had come to Loki. Watching her gently heal him reminded Steve of his Maa as she scolded him after his many fights, and suddenly, he was sure, this was Loki's mother. He sagged with relief, 'Loki would be fine.'
And Thor, could only watch in disbelief as he uttered a soft, "Mother" that echoed in the silent room.
When the woman disappeared from the projector's frame and appeared in front of them, they all startled.
It was Thor that stepped forward towards her, hesitant and unsure, eyes filled with confusion.
"Mother, how are you-"
"I am disappointed in you, Thor." The gentleness of her voice was a stark contrast to her words even as her expression remained neutral.
"You have stagnated in the progress of becoming a great warrior. You have failed your duties as a prince of Asgard. You have also failed to fulfil your responsibilities as a brother you always claim yourself to be." Her voice filled the room with her presence, gentle and soothing like a bell yet sharp in contrast to the heavy silence in the room.
She held up her hand when Thor made to defend himself. "All of this, because of an insignificant mortal woman filled with airs of arrogance and doubt. I protected her with my life," Thor's face contoured in grief and melancholy, "For Asgard's debt to her; of making you capable of seeing beyond yourself. Her role into the happenings of the universe was only this much, yet she meddled in the convergence and woke the Dark Elves," the Queen's disdain showed even through her expressionless face, " caused the Nine Realms to almost collapse among themselves and set in motion things far beyond her comprehension that have far reaching consequences that will haunt Yggdrasil for millennia. And, discarded you when she realised it was beyond her capabilities to keep up. Yet, here you are. Disregarding everything your family has worked so hard to achieve for you."
Thor looked ashamed and chastised but the All-Mother had more to say.
"In your heart you hold Loki responsible for foiling your coronation, thinking he wanted the crown for himself. What you never understood yet he always did was the responsibility the King has towards his people." She levelled him with a stare so direct and heavy, he looked at her gown's helm, unable to hold her gaze.
"While you dismissed your duties as Prince to go gallivanting with your foolish, sycophantic friends, your brother studied the realms and their happenings. Doing YOUR duties because you couldn't be bothered to do them. He always knew Odin favoured you, that the crown was yours, its responsibilities were yours as well, yet he did he did it for his love for you. Foolish of him." She paused then as if to gather her thoughts.
"He realised his mistake when Odin decided to crown you King. And you had never worked a day in your life. Did not know the duties you had to perform. Didn't understand the importance of the throne beyond your need to acquire it."
"What no one in the Royal Court and Council will ever say is; not one of them wanted you to be King. You are not fit for bearing the burden of responsibility. Your brother on the other hand has managed to impress them all despite; Odin's clear hatred and disdain for him. It is only the fear of Odin Borrson that stopped them from replacing you."
"What you and your father never quite understand is that Asgard being a warrior race is not a hereditary monarchy; your claim to kingship can be challenged at any moment. It is only because of Odin's schemes that no one follows tradition. His bloodthirsty nature is well known. There are many capable leaders in the Court itself who would be great candidates for your role." She sighed heavily as she closed her eyes as if to brace herself.
"But as long as Odin is alive, he will not make anyone else his heir. Even after his death; you have believed the throne to be your right for far too long that I do not believe you capable of giving it up. It only means you have to become eligible for the great honour and responsibility that is the throne of Asgard and the well-being of her people."
"But, Mother, I AM worthy! I am eligible for the crown!" He lifted Mjolnir in the air and waved it frantically, desperate to prove himself. But no such luck.
The Queen clicked her tongue and shook her head. "Mjolnir doesn't show you are worthy, Thor, it shows you are loved. Have you forgotten that it is a gift to you from your brother? As long as he loves you, Mjolnir is yours. It applies to anyone and not just you, which is why only your father, you and I could ever lift it. It is no great test of worth, it is a test of love. One that you clearly do not return. Some days I am sad to think that you might have never returned it." Her voice took a quite somber tone to it.
"It frightens my heart to think what the house of Odin has made of my darling boy." Her eyes shut and spilled tears down her face that dripped off to the mats and shattered into tiny sparks and disappeared.
"Odin destroyed his home and killed his people. Kidnapped him and the Casket. Raised to hate everything he is and crushed him whenever he shone too brilliantly." She opened her eyes then, glaring at Thor. "No more of this. I could never protect him, being just as much a prisoner as he was. But now we are both free, in different ways." She laughed then, a wild sound that bounced off the walls of the room. "I am here to give you one last chance, Thor. Loki did not need my help today, like myself, he is a healer. I came because I wanted to. To warn you; if you do nothing now, you will lose your brother forever. You are both my sons, and I love you dearly and want the best for you. Especially, you, Thor. Loki is used to being dependent on no one, but you need him. There are dark times ahead."
She stepped forward to embrace him, putting her arms around his broad shoulders and resting her cheek on his shoulder, when his arms came around her in desperation, she tightened her hold, and then, she faded away.
Where she had stood, on the mat lay a tiny marble the size of a nail, the colour of his mother's seidr. Thor picked it up and clenched it in his fist, spun around and exited the room, leaving it empty in silence.
The Avengers looked at each other in disbelief and astonishment, there was no way a ghost of a QUEEN from ASGARD had come to visit her very much alive sons, and it was all witnessed by them.
"Is my house haunted now?!"
"I knew ghosts were real!" that had predictably come from Clint. "You think I can talk to the ghost of Arjun?" Steve didn't want to know who that was.
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