Pinky promise
Present
When Stephen pulled up in front of his home again, the sun was already shining. Christine had left him a little sticky note on the door.
“I’m always here to talk. See you at the hospital, lots of love xChristine”
He smiled. This girl deserved so much happiness. And he just couldn’t give it to her. Stephen was aware of that. But he also couldn’t tell her because other than Josh and Christine, there wasn’t anyone. He couldn’t push the last two people away as well. Stephen couldn’t really call it love. For either of them. He didn’t know what love was anymore. Probably because he couldn’t even feel any love for himself. He couldn’t look into a mirror nowadays without questioning what empty face stared back at him.
Once he was in his flat again, he got out of his clothes and stepped under the shower. Stephen had a day off. That meant he’d casually come to the hospital a bit later to get his mind off things. And when he said ‘things’, he really meant his unbearable loneliness. The cold water pierced through his skin. Wake up. Wake up from all of this. This had to be one gigantic bloody nightmare!
“Stephen? Hey, calm down. It’ll be okay.”
He felt little hands cup his cheeks. “It’ll be okay. I love you.”
It hadn’t been the first time for Stephen to experience this. He was quiet. Different. He didn’t fit in. The boy took the punches. And the kicks. And the slurs and names he’d been called. It was easy for his bullies with that last name. He truly was strange. Nothing to argue about. But Donna was there for him, even if she didn’t understand what was happening or why her brother’s eye was so puffy and blue and green and why his clothes were full of dirt and why his hair was all messed up.
He just held her for a bit. They didn’t need to talk. It was the thing with his sister. She understood his silence. Which is rare. You can scream and shout and cry and bang doors, but silence still was the loudest sign of sadness.
But Stephen wasn’t sad. He was depressed. And for people who don’t understand the difference: Sadness is bad. For sure. It is like an episode of the Teletubbies on full volume. That’s not nice, but it passes quickly. Depression is like the full story of Lord of the Rings. Read by a first grader. In German. It just goes on and on and on and you can’t break out of it.
“What happened, Stephen?” She asked in her little innocent voice.
“Come here, I’ll tell you.” She sat down on his thigh.
“So- On my way home, I met a fairy. She was beautiful. Long blonde hair, a gorgeous blue dress and the sweetest smile. Well, that isn’t true. You have a way sweeter one.”
He poked her little nose with his pointer finger.
“Hey!” She giggled and poked him back. “And then? What did the fairy do?”
“The fairy sprinkled me with pixie dust. See, I still have some on me.” He cleaned some of the dirt off his sleeve.
“There it is. And I could fly with it. We flew so quickly, my hair was pointing up in spikes.”
She carefully ruffled through it.
“It’s still messy.” The little girl laughed.
“Yeah, it was quite a ride. And way up there, the fairy showed me a rainbow. So beautiful. With all its colors. But I, curious as I am, leaned down too far and look at my eye. I coated it in the green and blue stripes.”
Donna laughed hysterically. “You fell into the rainbow pot!”
Stephen nodded.
“Yes. Yes, I did. But the fairy brought me back down and told me the color would fade on its own. But I can’t tell anyone. So this has to be our secret, okay, Donna?”
She nodded and held her pointer finger to her lips.
“I won’t tell.”
He held out his little finger.
“Pinky promise?” Stephen’s little sister immediately wrapped hers around Stephen’s.
“Pinky promise.”
He carried the girl to her room and made sure she was okay before going to the bathroom and locking himself in. He stared into the mirror. Why was he even here? Right. He was here to protect his little angel. Keep fighting, Stephen. Keep fighting. For her. She deserves it. She needs you. You have to protect her. The teen sighed and got out of his filthy clothes, throwing them to the ground. He saw the bruises on his arms, a small cut on his shoulder from where he’d fallen. But he could take all that. All of that physical pain. What he couldn’t take anymore was how he mentally crumbled. More and more each day. Stephen stepped into the shower and turned on the water. It hurt as it touched his wounds. He closed his eyes and counted to ten. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
He opened his eyes and stepped out of the shower. Stephen sighed as he put on his shirt and trousers. Once back in the living room, the doctor fetched his key and walked to the door. He couldn’t be alone anymore. Not with this.