Chapter 9
Months passed without speaking with each other, except for commands to eat, sleep and bath. Gradually Loki had stopped his raging.He didn't even taunt the king now.What was the point.He could not even think about escaping,let alone plotting for it. As he thought about his hopeless situation, something in him snapped. There was no point in fighting, he could not win. He was stuck into lifetime of slavery. Asgard had never appreciated him ,he was a lesser prince then.Now he was just a plaything for their king, a charity project Odin had first picked up from jotunheim, Thor later had taken up from dungeons.As these thoughts took hold of his mind, he let go his anger, his pain, everything. He was just a plaything.He was a disappointment, a traitor, murderer he had no right to freedom! This was his punishment, for not dying as his birthright was.He was nothing! He stopped thinking,he stopped eating,reading, doing anything ..he stopped living. He would lay there staring at nothing.He only moved when Thor commanded.
" Loki ,you are awake.get up from the bed",Loki did.
"Loki eat! ,he did.
" Loki take bath! "he layed in bath tub.
"Loki wash yourself properly!",he did. " "Loki,change in these clothes! Loki sit! Loki sleep!", He followed every order, in listless manner.The anger was still there, somewhere deep.He refused to communicate with Thor without command.
" Loki , look at me, please" Thor begged one day. Dull green eyes lifted to his face.There was no life in Loki, there was no Loki in that living corpse. Thor sometimes wished the anger to be back. He could not live with this shadow of his once intelligent, mischievous brother.
_@_@_@_@_@_
One day, Loki woke up to voices. He pretended to be asleep.
" Its not common in Aesir, or even in jotuns from what I read. This is more severe than I thought at first" That was Eir's voice.
" What do I do,Eir? He wouldn't speak to me. He won't even eat without being ordered. You see how thin he is. I don't know how to calm his anger. What should I do so that he will accept my apology?" Thor's voice was filled with misery . They were silent for a long time.
' How many times I was poked and prodded by healers in my sleep' Loki thought angrily. He was about to ask when Eir spoke,
" He needs to eat and drink more.A little walk in open air would also help. Its good that he sleeps enough. Keep making him sleep at the same time.A routine is a good thing. Reading might reduce his listlessness but he seems to be refusing it. I have renewed the calming runes and healing charms around here.I am afraid that's all we can do now."
" This is it.This is my punishment for my iignorance aand foolish brazen confidence.I am loosing the one person I have ever loved the most.And I am loosing him slowly, every day! How will I live without him ,Eir?" Thor cried.
" My king, I wish I had a solution. But we can't cure the depression unless the cause is removed, He needs to accept himself.He needs to want to be happy." , this was the first time he had heard Eir sound emotional. She always spoke in clipped clinical tone otherwise.
" You know I would remove the ring and throw it in the abyss if it would give me my Loki back. "Thor said causing Lokl to listen carefully.
" You cannot do that my king. In his unstable mental condition,we would loose him. Maybe after he is healed, you can think of it."
" I understand.Thank you Lady Eir" Thor was back to his courtroom tone.
One set of footsteps went out. Other followed .Loki was alone.He got up. Scrubbed his face.He wanted to scream, What was happening to him?slowly on shaky legs he went to bathing chamber and splashed his face with water. Remembering something, he came back briskly.And dugged out Faradei's letter from his drawer. He had read it many times but in his rage and melancholy its meaning was lost to him. He had feared for his sanity when he could not decipher the meaning. He read it again, And stopped when he reached at
" you have always been blind to the love you have'"
' Was it true? Does this mean Thor loves him?
truly loves him? After everything he had done, after everything they both had done to each other ,was this possible?
' I am loosing the only person I have ever loved ' He had said, He sounded honest , heartbroken. Can this be true? If it is.then what? What should Loki do with the knowledge?
"Love freely, just once give your love without care,beast" Faradei's voice rang in his mind.
' Norns,am I going insane? Why would I love Thor. why do you think I should love my master, my handler. Does Faradei also thinks I am a beast, an animal?'
" No you fool, you know why I call you beast. I think you should love Thor because You already do" Faradei said somewhere.
" He betrayed me! " Loki screamed.
" He had no choice.He Apologizes every time you let him open his mouth " a voice strangely similar to his mother said.
" He raped me" He whispered.
" You liked it! " Odin...Norns, it was Odin's smug voice..in this room.
" Accept it, pet. you like it.You are made for it. Have you seen any other body like yours?" That voice caused him to shiver. Thanos...
He was here.He had found him. Loki needed to ..to run.He looked up franatically searching for out. He was surrounded by them, they were laughing. All of them.'Now he will come forward, grip my neck', Loki thought.his breath started coming in gasps, shallow...laboured.He could not get enough air.The corners of his vision were darkening. The walls of chamber were closing in on him now. Making it too small for all of them.Soon, there will be no space.Loki stood up, swaying slowly. Suddenly the other was there, in front of him.too close! Loki stumbled back and hit the door,.He fell back on his ass causing it to open. He saw the outer door.Without looking back he ran.
He ran and ran and ran... without thinking where to. Suddenly he bumped into something hard and soft!. The force of collision caused him to fall down, he lay there panting.
" Are you fine, my lady? Somebody was talking. ' Lady?' Loki was sure he was in his male form.Loki sat up breathing hard, his heart thudding in his throat! He saw fandral helping a voluptuous woman up. She was adjusting her clothes.
' Ah. Fandral's latest conquest' Loki mused. Fandral turned to him and offered a hand,
" Are you all right, Prince Loki? Are you in pain ?" , Loki stared at offered hand not knowing what to do.His breath now slowing.
" Can you get up? Do you need a healer?", asked Fandral taking his hand back.
Loki shook his head. Feeling more rooted now he forced himself to stand. He still swayed a little, eyes darting back to where he came from. Fandral's hands moved as if to catch him.Loki finched at sudden movement.
" Are you running from someone, my friend? Has somebody hurt you? " Fandral was talking as if he was asking a scared child. Maybe he was.
" I..I need to go" Loki said and turned to leave.
He carefully looked around and chose a route that won't lead him to the chamber. He heard Fandral apologising to his woman. But focused on the path he was taking. ' Where could he go? Library was enclosed space.' He needed air, so he slowly on shaking legs walked towards gardens.
He could ask for a herbal tea there, but even talking to a servant felt too much right now. He would just sit there and calm his nerves then. He moved slowly, The halls were not empty like when Thor used to take him there. He missed it, he missed their evenings in gardens. He missed Thor. Suddenly he realised, how lonely he was. He had not talked, really talked with anyone in months. It was like he had been falling in void again. Thor had been his anchor all his life, All his love,a his jealousy his mischiefs,his achievements.... everything revolved around Thor and now Loki had lost him. The loss he felt was like punch to his stomach.
He didn't realised he had stopped walking. He heard a giggle and turned his head towards it. The servant girls passed him to go inside. Suddenly he heard, " King's bitch" in muttered voice. He could not make himself turn to see who it was.He turned back and ran towards his, Thor's chambers.
" Loki?" Somebody called him, he ignored it.
When he reached back in, he closed the door behind him and slid down to floor, sobbing.
_@_@_@_@_@_@_
When Fandral found him in sparring pit, Thor was irritated.He was already in bad mood since Eir's visit. " Now what?"
" Thor, you need to go to Loki" Fandral was flustered. But Thor was out as soon as he heard the name.
" Tell me" He said walking towards exit.
" I was with this girl from kitchen staff, and he came colliding on to us.He was running from something , scared and dishelved and still in his nightcloths,Thor. This was bad. Then he didn't even speak to me. walked away through the halls as if he was lost, I followed and then he suddenly stopped near the garden entrance to the kitchens.He was ...he was I don't know Thor. And then suddenly he bolted to your chambers. I knew he was ill but this is really bad, Norns" Fandral was having difficulty to keep up with Thor.
Thor was about to run but a king running for his concubine,it wouldn't do! It would give ideas to already gossiping people.Loki was running from something, was he attacked? He was going insane with worry by the time they reached the doors.
He held the knob and asked Fandral,
" Fandral ,if you..."
" Of course, I will stay here for some time, and then I have a girl to meet"
Thor nodded in silent thanks.and entered.
He found Loki on floor crying hysterically.
Thor knelt down.
" Loki? "
" ...."
" Loki, can you hear me ?" Thor asked softly. Loki looked up his, green eyes clouded with despair.
" Come here" Thor opened his arms and Loki threw his arms around his neck and started sobbing again. Thor held him close while rubbing his back.He let him cry for a while. Thor was not good at these things, but all he knew was that he had Loki in his arms again.He was not going to loose that small favor.After a while, when Loki's sobs were reduced a little he started whispering reassurance in his ear.
" Shh shh, there there, love, you are all right now"
" I am here now Loki, Shh you are safe. I am here baby"
After a while, Thor didn't even know what he was whispering, his own tears flowing down. After Loki calmed down a little, his breath still hitched now and then.They sat like that for a long time.Both not wanting to leave other. Thor cleaned his own face first , then slowly moved so that he was face to face with Loki.
" Hey! " he called and smiled as Loki looked up.Then added, " Want to get up?"
Loki nodded yes. So he got up, the smaller man made no move, still looking lost. Thor bent down and easily picked the other. Loki hugged his neck again.
" Lets get you to bed, shall we? " Thor asked and moved inside without waiting for response. He layed Loki down on their bed.and sat near him., carding fingers through raven hair. Surprisingly Loki leaned into his touch and sighed closing his eyes.
" Want to talk about..? " He stopped asking when Loki shook his head. But he stopped his hand also. Loki looked up and pulled his hand back, saying,
" I have missed you."
" And I you, Loki.You can't even tell how much I have missed you!" Thor said vehemently.
" The things you said that night, when_when you... you completed the enchantment ,are they true?"
Loki stuttered through the question. Thor looked on, in confusion.
" What things?" He asked finally.
" You said you always wanted to, you_you said you loved me! " Loki forced himself to ask.
" Yes, Loki by the nine, I have loved you. I don't even know since when. I have never been able to go on without you.Please I had to bring you back, I know I am insane but I couldn't lose you.I will love you till my last breath and beyond, Loki if you will have me..."
" What about now?" Loki asked
" Uh ?"
" You said you loved me in past and you will love me in future.. what about now? " Loki said with a tiny quirk to his lips.
" Norns, you have to be like this now? Yes Loki I love you now, with every breath I take in, with every fibre in my body and with every thought in my mind..By the power I hold over thunderstorms, I always have and always will love you, brother"
" And yet you call me brother!" Loki was smiling openly now.
" I can't help that.You are my brother, my lover, the other half of my soul." Thor said flippantly.
" You have thought about it"
" Yes, you would be surprised how much of my thoughts are about you" Thor said.
" Ah, I worry for the realms. " Loki said making Thor laugh.He wondered when he had heard his brother laugh.Thor should not be so sad, he should be happy.What can he do to make Thor happy? He came up with answer and said,
" Thor?" Thor looked up " I_I would like you to to touch... to kiss me!" His face warmed with a blush announcing his shyness.Thor's smile was indulgent.
" Will you, will you kiss me?" He asked again.
" You don't have to ask two times ,love. Just I have to do " with that Thor held Loki's left hand up and removed his ring ," this. " he finished. His face was too close to Loki's.He got up and left the ring on side table. When he came back, Loki was sitting in bed,too restless to wait.His face puzzled.
" Why did you..?"
" Removed the ring? I was not going to make love to you when you are not a free person Loki.I want you.., this to be real not some distorted trick of the magic. I know my apologies for our first time are never going to be enough, but I will make it upto yo.I want to make you moan with my love, not because you are compelled to and I want you to have the power to say no" Thor explained. Loki was red as tomato by now.
" So everytime when we will... when we make love will you remove it?" Loki asked sceptical.
" No Loki" He said . Loki's face fell, so he added, " I will remove it everytime we are alone here in our bedchamber. You will be as equal to me here as you are in my heart. I have promised you , I will make it up to you.I can't offer you much right now but I will keep trying , Loki. I will keep trying to make you happy until I die" His tone turned soft as he whispered his promises.
" Now am I getting that kiss or not?" he asked jovially. Loki ony nodded. Thor touched his cheek with a hand caressing it with his thumb as if he was holding a precious thing. Then he got closer, slowly...Loki's breath hitched.Thor stared into his eyes touching their forheads together, they stayed like that. Thor's hands roaming on back of Lokis neck, head.He felt taught muscles of his brother's back, and moved back staring intently at the face he had come to adore so much.
" Loki, can you tell me one thing? I won't ask why but do you really want to kiss me,now?" He asked intently. Loki flinched, and scooled his face.He was about to speak when Thor spoke again,
" Hey.I understand. you have been through a lot. We can, we can take this slow.At your pace .We have all the time, we are immortals afterall. I don't want you to rush into anything. Me, well I am me, I can be a lot to take." He smiled sagely. Loki listened unblinking. He mulled it over pulling his lower lip between his teeth. He could lie easily. But what was the point? He had been lying all his life, and look where he was now. ' Worst had already happened' Faradei had written. So he decided to be honest.Thor was the only person in nine realms, with whom he could be completely honest.
" I..I don't know, if I am ready I mean" he said finally.
Oh! that hurt.but Thor composed himself.
" Good. You can tell me anything okay." he said. "You look tired, Do you want sleep now or eat first and sleep later?" He thoughtfully asked.
" Sleep" Loki answered.
"lay down then." Loki did. and catched his hand saying " stay? "
" I am stinking. should I wash first?" Thor asked.
" I don't mind.wash later."
" Hmmm" And Thor climbed in bed near him. He pulled a fur on both of them, while Loki tucked himself close to Thor's heart.Like old times.
The council meeting was called off that day because the king refused to come out of his chambers for whole day.
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