It was Steve’s idea. He noticed how Bucky looked so torn between Tony and he, so Steve had told him he could have them both, if Tony was on board of course. Plus, Steve already had feelings for Tony so it hadn’t been a hard decision to make.
Only…Tony didn’t really talk to Steve, other than some greetings outside of the field and some orders or responses when they were fighting against a villain. But it hasn’t always been like that, Steve reminded himself. They were doing better than after Siberia. Back then, Tony wouldn’t even look at Steve. He would leave the room whenever Steve entered and he’d stay cold, only relaxing and joking with the others when Steve wasn’t around. If it wasn’t the silent treatment, he would throw acerbic remarks at him every time he saw him.
Steve, who hadn’t wanted the team to be impacted more than it was, had decided to avoid any communal areas and let them rekindle without him. He could always talk privately with each of them outside the Tower or when Tony was in the workshop. It wasn’t ideal but it was the best decision so far.
Sam hadn’t liked it at all. He had noticed the way Steve was acting around the Tower, looking everywhere before entering the room and even then, every time the elevator doors would open, he’d tense until he was sure Tony wasn’t here.
So how come his feelings never died? He had asked Sam, defeated.
Sam didn’t have any answer. It could be his guilt mixed with loneliness and a fear of disappointing. Steve would do anything for his team, and everything for Tony…to make it right. That’s why he’d accept this treatment. He needed Tony’s forgiveness to move on, which for Sam, wasn’t healthy. And perhaps it wasn’t…but now Bucky was half in love with Tony, where was his place?
To be honest, it was selfishness which pushed him to tell Bucky it was okay to date both of them. Steve strongly believed that what was between Bucky and he would never die. There was an indescribable bond between them. It has always been them together against the world and it would always be. Steve didn’t see his life without Bucky. Not anymore. The last time he thought he’d lost Bucky for good Steve has spiraled out of control and crashed the plane in Antarctica. Most would assume he didn’t have the choice, but Steve knew…he knew deep down that it’d be better dead than alive without Bucky.
Now the situation between Tony and Steve was a little better. Tony would look at him and stay in the same room, but he’d never engage any discussion or talk longer than a few minutes with Steve.
If at first Steve had been hurt and maybe surprised by Tony’s unusual coldness, he was now used to it. it didn’t mean that it didn’t hurt less. Although Tony wasn’t talking to him anymore, Steve feelings kept growing. And seeing Bucky with Tony only made it difficult for him to stay passive and wait until Tony came to him. Because that’s what the genius said. He needed time, but he’ll come eventually around, for Bucky’s sake.
Sure, it was not a heartwarming declaration of love, but Steve took it the same and his hope kept growing. Bucky told him that Tony was slowly opening himself to him and talking more about Steve, that Tony needed more time, he was undecisive because of what happened in the bunker. So Steve for once in a long time had to stay put and not do anything rash.
To make their “relationship” work, Tony had been the one to offer a planning for the week. There were days where Tony and Bucky would be together and other days where it was Steve and Bucky’s turn. Steve had frowned. He had tried to come up with the best way to talk his mind without sounding condescending or aggressive. The only words he had been able to say were. “And what about us?”
Tony has chuckled humorlessly. “There is no us Cap…” Bucky had let out tired groan and whispered Tony’s name. To which the other brunette had rolled his eyes. “At least not for now.” He had grunted.
Steve had been half-satisfied. Tony had not sound particularly happy but maybe…maybe if Steve proved him that he was good, that he also deserve his love, maybe Tony would soften.
It still hadn’t happened.
After a few weeks, then a few months, Tony still didn’t seem interested in Steve at all. Despite everything Bucky told him, Steve didn’t see a positive change. As if once Tony had Bucky, he discarded Steve for good.
And if he was being honest, Bucky didn’t really seem to care much. Steve shook his head and tried to keep intrusive thoughts out of his mind. Bucky and Steve were together till the end of the line. It was their first promise.
And Bucky has never broken his promises before.
They were going “steady”. Bucky and Tony went on dates on Saturdays, Fridays and Wednesdays and Steve had the other days. He had been fine with this. At first. He hadn’t wanted to fight Tony, nor hurt Bucky who seemed overjoy, so he let all of his insecurities flow away.
It shouldn’t have been a long-term plan. It was supposed to help Tony and Steve build something. Or that was what Bucky and Tony told him. It’d be momentary they said. Be patient, Tony is only afraid to be open again, but he loves you, Bucky reassured him.
And Steve believed both of them. Why wouldn’t he?
The main problem he had with this planning was that Bucky was always exhausted after Tony’s date and would turn down everything Steve offered. Bucky would sleep most of the day and would whine whenever Steve offered to go outside.
Steve didn’t once show his hurt. He couldn’t force Bucky to go outside and whatever grudges or else he held against Tony melt as soon as he reasoned himself. He couldn’t be mad at Tony. If Steve hadn’t tried to incapacitate him in the bunker and lied about his parents, Tony would have talked to him and maybe be with him. He could only blame himself. And it wasn’t fair to vent to Bucky who would have had to stay impartial between his two lovers.
So, Steve was stuck. Sure, he could talk about it to Sam, but his friend already gave him his advice. Steve had to stop this simulacre of relationship and move out of the Tower. Contrary to him, Sam didn’t believe that Tony was that innocent, and he has warned Steve to stay on his guard. Steve hadn’t asked for more. He knew…he understood the implication. He understood all the blanks in their conversation.
It was clear as crystal and yet Steve didn’t acknowledge any of it.
When it was Steve’s days, he would cuddle with Bucky and take care of him during the day. They’d never really go out, unless Tony was out of the city. And even then, Bucky would comment each activity and compare it to what they’d done with Tony.
The new restaurant Steve wanted to eat at? Bucky and Tony already went there, and Tony had rented the entire building.
The science expo? Tony had seats and tickets since his company donated and created most of them.
Museums? They had visited multiple new museums and had the privilege to talk to the artists. They even were invited to premiers.
Steve painted Bucky? One of the painters Tony and Bucky met asked Bucky if he could paint him. Tony later bought the painting an absurd amount of money.
A gift? Maybe a jewel? Tony bought a watch, a ring, necklace and various jewels to Bucky.
A walk in the park? Tony flew Bucky to South-Africa for a Safari.
Steve has stopped asking for outdoors activities and tried to innovate instead. They’d play games, Steve would paint Bucky when he was napping, and they’d eat something Steve had prepared. Simple days like that were precious to Steve. Even if deep down he wished to go outside with at least one of his boyfriends and kiss him. There again, he couldn’t. Not anymore.
Since Tony and Bucky had been photographed holding hands and kissing, the entire world knew that they were together. Steve, at the time, hadn’t understood what it truly meant for him. For all of them.
And Tony, for the first time, had talked to Steve. He had explained how now it was better if Steve and Bucky didn’t hold hands or kiss outside because the press would have a field day.
Bucky had looked annoyed. Steve remembered Bucky arguing with Tony, while he had still been staring at the pictures, more precisely the title.
The couple Winterion engaged?!
The picture was a zoom of their intertwined hands. A gorgeous and intricate ring shone on Bucky’s finger.
“Engaged?” Steve had asked dumbly, while massaging the middle of his chest trying to help uncoil the pressure.
They both had stopped talking.
“No, Stevie. It’s only a ring Tony bought me,” Bucky had explained softly. He had grabbed Steve’s hand and kissed his knuckles. “I would – we would never do that to you, punk.”
The nickname had hurt him more than the picture. Why was it that Tony was ‘sweetheart’, ‘baby’ and Steve was still ‘punk’? He had shaken his head trying to get these thoughts out.
“Well…” Tony had started, somewhat sheepish.
“Don’t start Tony,” Bucky had warned.
“I’m just saying. I told you it wasn’t a simple gift. To be honest, it’s a promise ring…for when you’ll be ready to…”
Steve had stood up and walked out of the room. Bucky had grabbed him by the elbow making him stop. He had turned around and stared into Bucky’s worried eyes. He didn’t remember what came to his mind but the feeling never left. He had enough of all of this. Of being pushed around and used. Bucky had tried to say something and Steve for once hadn’t helped him. He hadn’t smile, nor relaxed his stance. No. He had stood still and waited like they had been conditioning to do.
Suddenly, Bucky had looked behind him toward Tony, who had still been standing there, shoulders hunched and teary eyes. Steve had noticed how Bucky longed to go at his side. The lack of assertiveness or doubt in Bucky’s mind had flared his anger and cemented his resolves. Officially done, Steve had huffed, yanked his arm free and left the room.
This time Bucky hadn’t tried to stop him.
Steve was trying his best. He did everything they asked and even then, he felt like losing. Like they were playing a game he didn’t know the rules. When he thought about the past few months, a few things had pained him, but nothing like the pictures or the lack of touch between Bucky and him.
Steve and Bucky didn’t do more than kiss. The first few times Steve has tried to go further, Bucky had pushed him away and told him to go slower. He wasn’t ready for more, which Steve understood. Bucky didn’t like being touched on the scar on his left shoulder and nothing under the pants.
Even some kisses left him, reeling back and tensed, which Steve also understood, with the whole torture and Hydra touching him and using him. Steve was gentle. He never went further than a few kisses and would cool off in the shower. He never wanted Bucky to feel uneased around him. He’d reassure him telling him that they had the rest of their lives to discover each other’s body, that he could and would wait.
But maybe, Steve had been too naïve. Maybe, Bucky had only been disgusting by his touch; because it seemed that he accepted Tony’s touch, kisses and dick quite well.
He found out the truth by mistake. He had been looking around for a way to surprise Bucky with the help of Friday. Unsure of what to do and scared that Bucky was already coming to their room, he had asked Friday to show a live recording of Bucky.
On the screen, Bucky was getting fucked by Tony. They were kissing like Steve wish they’d do, they were touching each other and fucking each other like Steve wished they’d do.
The surprise long forgotten Steve’s mind racked all his memories. All the times spent with Bucky. All the reasons he gave. All the time he told him that Tony and he didn’t go as far as a few kisses. All of that…lies?
Even then, Steve had forgiven and moved on. Maybe if Bucky didn’t like his touches it was because of…Steve’s brain hadn’t been able to provide an answer. There had been no reason for all of Bucky’s lies. And if Bucky had lied about that, how could Steve be sure he had told the truth about the rest, about Tony being “ready” to forgive him, about Tony’s “feelings” for Steve.
But Steve ended up forgiving them and moved on. He had pushed what he’d seen in the back of his mind and locked this door.
Bucky would never lie to him if there wasn’t a good reason.
A few weeks passed with Steve pretending to be okay. He pretended to eat. He pretended to be happy when he smiled. He pretended to go for a run when all he did was running to the roof, overriding Friday and sitting on the edge. He pretended that intrusive thoughts didn’t get a hold onto him. He pretended to still be alive when all he felt was death.
But he kept pretending and he did it mighty good. Or Bucky didn’t care anymore, an insidious thought retorted.
Then Tony was on a business trip and they were all alone. If Bucky had been blind when Tony was present in the Tower, it hadn’t taken long for him to notice how silent Steve were.
And Steve noticed his presence, lurking behind whenever he was in the communal room. He noticed how cautious he was around him, not really knowing what to do and what to say, but he tried. Weirdly, the thought didn’t bring any particular positive feelings. He felt numb.
A few days passed, with Bucky staying near Steve and observing until Steve had to go out. There was an exposition and a few of his paintings would be exposed. He had already asked Bucky who had declined because it was Tony’s day. So Steve hadn’t pushed the matter and since Tony was still out of town he didn’t ask Bucky again.
That night, he took a shower, combed his beard and wore the expensive suit Nat’ chose for him. As he passed by the living room where Bucky was talking in hush with Tony, Steve grabbed his moto keys and jacket.
“Steve? Where are you going?” Bucky asked, surprised and poorly concealed concern.
Steve played with his key. “I have an exposition. My paintings are going to be exposed tonight.”
“What?” Tony and Bucky exclaimed at the same time.
“You didn’t tell me you finished any of your paintings,” Bucky said.
Steve kept walking.
“Do you even care?” He whispered loud enough for Bucky heard.
“What did he say?” Tony’s voice reverberated in the room.
“Nothing, baby.” Steve expected the pain to come. Nothing. He kept walking.
“Do you want me to join you?” Bucky said behind him, he was running toward him, with his phone and Tony still on.
Steve entered the elevator and turned around. “It’s Tony’s day, isn’t? Enjoy your night together.”
The door closed on Bucky’s crestfallen face. “Steve…” He whispered, sadly.
The night went perfectly and to his surprise he met wonderful people who invited him to the restaurant. They spent the entire time talking about Arts, whether it was writing, painting, singing, any form of arts. Steve for once in a few months let a genuine smile bloom on his face.
And when they left the restaurant and he walked back to the Tower, the advice of Sam to find his own place to live grew on him. His own place. Just for him.
That night he didn’t go to bed with Bucky, who was already asleep. Steve slept on the couch instead, dreaming of a near future where he’d be free.
But it wasn’t for now.
During the remaining of the days without Tony, Bucky had been perfect. Really. He had offered multiple outdoor activities, they went to the restaurant, he asked questions about Steve’s hobbies and he seemed genuinely concerned by his wellbeing. Steve had tried to stay emotionless by this change of emotion and he did succeed until Tony called him.
He had thought of a prank at first, but he still jumped on his phone, excitation running through his body.
“Hello, Steve?” Tony asked, calmly.
“Ton-Tony?”
“Yeah, how are you?” Tony asked with ease, as if they called each other every day.
“As good as one can be. And you? Are you taking care of yourself? I know when you are on a business trip you tend to be as unaware of your basics needs.”
Silence. Steve cursed. Too much information, too soon. God, I’ve fucked up…he groaned inwardly.
“Whoa I didn’t know you honestly cared,” Tony chuckled, albeit serious.
“I know I haven’t been the best above toward you, Tony. I know I hurt you and I…” He choked up. “I’m sorry. It won’t probably change anything, but I do love you.”
Tony stayed silence for a while, enough for Steve to think he was gone.
“Cap’…” He started slowly.
“You don’t have to reply. I know you don’t love me like that and it’s okay. Your pain is valid,” Steve cut him off quickly.
Tony breath grew quicker. Steve glanced at the phone ready to ask if he was okay.
“Cap’…I love you too,” Tony pronounced quickly before hanging up.
For a long time, Steve would doubt he heard him correctly. It all felt too surreal and in total opposition with Tony’s usual behavior. Steve’s mind filled the blanks and what-if and shutdown his instincts and Sam’s voice. Now he knew Tony was almost closed enough, he could hold on a little bit longer. The words said in a hurry were a balm to Steve’s battered heart.
And so, he stopped pretending. He smiled more freely, he stopped going on the roof, he stopped avoiding guns and knives, he stopped avoiding Bucky and let himself felt loved.
Tony came back a Thursday. On Steve and Bucky’s day. Steve had prepared with the help of Thor the roof to look like an ethereal Asgardian room. Thor had brought back a few beautiful objects filled with Magic which would change create a dome over their head and project Asgard’s night sky. Steve had prepared the food Bucky loved and even the few songs they used to play in their apartment back in the 40’s. Everything was perfect.
Steve stood excited and nervous next to Thor, who embrace him with one arm.
“Well Steven, James will be more than pleased. You have outdone yourself.”
Steve blushed and hid his face in Thor’s chest. “If it wasn’t for you, I’d be doing a boring dinner…”
“A boring dinner?” Thor asked confused. “How could a dinner with you be boring?”
“Well…Tony is rich, and Bucky can do whatever he wants because Tony will offer him all he desires. And there is me…it doesn’t leave me a lot of options, you see?”
“I do not understand, Steve. You are one of the fiercest warriors and most compassionate person I know. Even a simple Midgardian dinner with you would make anyone happy.”
Steve chuckled humorlessly. “I wish it was like that, Thor. I wish…”
Thor tightened his embrace one more time before leading Steve to the elevator.
“Go, Steven. There are many things in that head of yours and none of them should be present to tarnish this gorgeous night. We shall see each other in the morning and I hope to see you with a real smile on your face.”
Thor pushed Steve in the elevator before he could reply. The door closed on Thor smiling.
Steve paced in the elevator, wiping his hands on his pants. God…it wasn’t the first time he’d been on a date, but it was truly the first time he’d outdone himself.
This time Bucky will like it. This time I won’t fuck up, he repeated as a mantra.
The door opened on the…penthouse. He was about to correct Friday and tell she missed one floor when she saw Bucky and Tony, dressed in suits. They looked as surprised as he.
“Bucky? Tony? Where are you going?” He asked, uncertain. Had he missed something? Wasn’t it Thursday? Oh no…
“Tony had some late tickets for an exposition which stops tonight, so I accepted,” Bucky said, rolling his eyes fondly at Tony, who stuck his tongue out.
“But we are on Thursday, right? Is it not supposed to be our day?” Steve asked, voice small. He gnawed his lower lip under the stress.
“Yeah, I know, but it’s the last day, Stevie. And since we mostly stay at home for our days, I thought…”
Steve didn’t listen to the rest. He nodded and told him he understood. He wished them a good evening and went back to the roof, unaware of the unconcealed worry in Bucky’s eyes, who was easily distracted by Tony’s kisses.
Steve walked on the roof, gathering all the cutlery, plates, magical object and placed them inside. He tidied his room and the apartment. He lit out all the candles and opened the windows to air everything. Then he went back to the roof. His mind was totally blank. There were no thoughts, no questioning. For once he knew where to go and why. But this time there wasn’t a plane to pilot and Bucky was alive.
Steve stepped on the edge and looked below him, dazed. Through his blurry eyes the kaleidoscope of colors made his stomach churn and his head turn. He wobbled and fell.
Bucky and Tony sat at their table. Bucky let his eyes roam outside. The view was breath taking. After going to the science exposition, Tony had surprised Bucky with a fancy restaurant. But not only. They were the only one there. The restaurant, a 5-star because Tony couldn’t spend way less for their dates, was at the top of a giant building and they were on the closed rooftop, where the city laid bare under their eyes. Bucky had almost awed like a child and ran to see get closer to the windows. Tony had watched him with an amused smile. He hadn’t made his usual jokes, which made Bucky’s heat beat faster.
It was rare for Tony to stay so contemplative and to know it was he, who subjugate him, made Bucky’s heart soared.
Tony raised a hand beckoning Bucky to join him to the table. As he was sitting down, Tony pulled him closer to him and kissed him. A soft and slow kiss that left both of them breathless.
“Could it be more perfect?” Bucky whispered eyes half closed.
Tony leaned forward and captured his lips for a tender kiss. He didn’t go any faster than for the first one and Bucky appreciated all the same. He loved when Tony was brutal, deviant but a soft and lovely Tony was as addictive.
“If you continue, I will have you as dinner,” Bucky murmured.
Tony chuckled and let him go, not without pressing a last time his lips on his.
“Let’s eat, then.”
The conversation went as smooth as it could go. They talked about mundane things, deep personal subject as they ate and played footsie under the table. Everything went so well. Too well.
Tony had been talking about the exposition when Bucky’s mind picked up onto something. It had been at the back of his mind since they left the Tower and was only confirmed when they arrived in the expo.
“Tony, why today?” Bucky asked abruptly. Tony closed his mouth and raised an eyebrow.
“Why today?” Tony repeated slowly.
“The expo started today. But you told me that it was the last day.”
“Oh.” Something unpleasant woke up in Bucky’s chest. Steve’s heartbroken face was stuck in his mind. Bucky blinked the image away. “Well, I lied,” he laughed it off.
Bucky barely smiled.
Till the end of the line
Tony stopped laughing and caressed with his thumb Bucky’s hand.
“Does that really disturb you?” He asked, concerned.
“It was not our day, Tony. You were the one who decided the planning. I don’t know…it worked pretty fine…” Tony huffed sarcastically.
“Worked pretty fine? Rogers and I can’t stay in the same room.”
“You.”
“What?”
“You can’t stay in the same room as Steve, but he had no problems otherwise.”
Tony leaned back, crossing his arms on his chest.
“Do we have to talk about that, right now? It’s our night.”
“Technically no,” Bucky retorted, an eyebrow raised. He didn’t know what came into him, but he wouldn’t let that go. Most of the time, Tony could charm his way out of these conversations but not now. Bucky pushed down his own guilt.
“We are doing that right now then. What’s the problem with Rogers?”
Bucky raised his eyes to the sky. “That! You call him Rogers but a few weeks ago you told him that you loved him. What’s all this twists and turns?”
Tony’s eyebrows were furrowed, his eyes were slowly darkening under the anger. “Because you told me to.”
“I what?” Bucky exclaimed, officially irate. “I never asked you to lie to him about your feelings. What kind of game are you playing?”
Tony grabbed his drink and bottomed up. “Who said I was lying to him?” He replied shakily. There again, the fleeting emotion appeared in his whiskey orbs.
Bucky was floored. “So, you love him.”
A small blush appeared on his face. “What if?”
Bucky blinked owlishly. “You spend the entire year giving the silent treatment to Steve, you can’t even look at him in the eyes more than a few seconds and you love him.”
Tony gritted his teeth. He wiped his cheeks and sniffed. “You don’t understand…” He muttered. “A part of me loves Steve and wants to trust him but the other part…the one scared and angry at him is…I can’t let go of the anger. And every time I see him, I wanted him to pay. Why did I have to suffer in the goddamn bunker, through the Accords alone…I wanted him to pay because he broke my heart. I thought we were getting somewhere…” He poured some wine in his glass. “and boom you appeared…”
Bucky swallowed with difficulty. “So what am I? Your prize? You know that Steve and me we are a package deal and you make me fall in love with you, you isolate Steve and what? What is your big finale?”
Tony almost dropped his glass as he grabbed Bucky’s hand in his. “You were never a prize. Never.” Kiss. “Never.” Kiss. “I simply fell in love with you. I never thought of using…”
“Don’t lie,” Bucky interrupted.
Tony’s eyes widen and guilt finally appeared in his eyes.
“You used me maybe unconsciously, but you did and all of that to hurt Steve.”
Tony shook his head in disbelieved. “So, did you.”
Bucky froze. Tony turned his hand palms up and kissed the tender skin. “Since the beginning you complained about Steve. His boring dates, his overbearing attention, his burdening love…So don’t put the blame on me. We both share it. Don’t forget that you’ve been the one forcing me not telling Steve that we wanted to be monogamous. If it was me, we’d be married.” He caressed the ring on Bucky’s finger. “When I proposed, you said yes, Bucky. And then you lied to Steve again. And to me.”
Tony gulped his drink and stood up. He took of his own ring and place it in Bucky’s palm.
“If you really want this…prove it to me.”
Tony left the rooftop, leaving Bucky to his thoughts. Tears trickled in his eyes, he toyed with the ring and kissed it.
What was he doing? He closed his eyes and prayed. He should be running after Tony and confess his love. He should…he should…but why when he opened his eyes, he secretly wished to see a blond head. Why sometimes when Tony kissed him and touched him, Bucky imagined it was Steve’s hands were also on him.
He groaned and hit his head on the table. He brought it on himself. Every time…every time Steve kissed him…Bucky bit his lip to contain his scream. When Steve kissed him, Bucky felt ablaze. He’d lose himself in his kisses and touches, then he’d be struck by fear. If Steve went further…if they made love…Bucky wasn’t sure how he’d survive. For every kiss from Steve, Bucky washed them off with 10 kisses from Tony.
And yet his heart wanted the blond man more than he’d trust himself.
Steve woke up in his bed. In his underwear. He stayed still for a while. Eyes on the ceiling he counted to a hundred and back to one.
I’m alive, he thought. He flexed his toes and clenched his fingers. I’m alive, he repeated, in disbelief. How?
He rolled on his side and straight out of bed. Besides his hunger he didn’t fell changed. Had he dreamed last night? The failed dinner, Bucky and Tony…he closed his eyes and took a shuddery breath.
“Friday? Who brought be in bed?”
“Thor, Captain.”
“Why?” He whispered to no one in particular.
“You deserve to live, Captain. You deserve to be happy.”
Friday’s voice, although she was an AI, was full of warmth. Steve looked down, blinking away his tears.
“I certainly don’t feel like that.”
“You will, in time.”
“I will.” He repeated in awe at those simple words. Maybe he would, but he needed help. He’d have to call Sam and see someone else. Someone who could help him get better, because he wasn’t good…the need to call for his mom intensified. He swallowed his cry for help and went to the bathroom.
Someone knocked on his door.
Steve wiped his tears and told the person to come in.
It was Bucky. He looked like hell. He had bags under his eyes and his skin was a greyish colour. Steve opened his mouth to ask if anything was okay when Bucky talked.
“It’s over Steve,” he simply said. “Us. It’s over. I’m sorry I should have told you that a few months ago but Tony and I we are engaged and we – I want a monogamous relationship.”
Steve nodded. He opened again his mouth but closed it, not finding enough in himself to argue or retort anything. He wanted to cry, to scream at Bucky, at Tony and…
“Are you happy with Tony?” The words tumbled out of his mouth.
Bucky looked surprised at the question. “Yes,” he replied.
“I guess it’s the end of the line,” Steve said, staring at Bucky’s eyes.
“We can still be friend, Stevie. It doesn’t have to end like that,” Bucky answered, desperate.
“So, I guess it’s the end of the line,” Steve repeated to himself, as he entered the bathroom.
“Stevie,” Bucky begged, arm stretched in front of him.
Steve never looked back.
If he’d stay, he’d see how Bucky was trembling.
If he’d stay, he’d see how realization dawned upon Bucky. It was over. Steve was not with him anymore. Bucky finally got what he wanted. He was free. He was free…He slowly made his way out of the room under the shock. Before he was out, he grabbed one of Steve’s hoodie and brought it to his nose.
“What have I done?” he whispered to the empty room.
Bucky came back to his room silently. He never noticed Tony who was pacing in the penthouse. When the elevators doors opened, the smaller brunettes ran to him.
“Babe?” He asked, uncertain. “What happened?”
Tony led an unresponsive Bucky to their bedroom. He laid him down on the bed, finally noticing the hoodie in his arms. He didn’t try to pry it out of his grip and swallowed all of his questions. He needed to focus on the most important. Bucky. Bucky who was scaring the hell out of him.
“What happened, baby?”
“I did it,” Bucky whispered, eyes unfocused.
“What did you do?”
“I told Steve I wanted a monogamous relationship with you.” Bucky closed his eyes. “I told his I wanted to break up.”
Tony froze. “And how did Steve react? Did he hurt you?” The lack of response from Bucky angered Tony, who took his silence for a yes. Tony tried to leave the bed, but Bucky’s metal arm pulled him back on him.
“He didn’t do anything. And now it’s Steve, huh?”
Tony blushed and tried to change subject. “What do you mean he didn’t do anything. I don’t see righteous Rogers not reacting.”
Bucky chuckled miserably. “You never knew him them. I know you hate him, but don’t forget that without him the world would be under Hydra. He may be a pain in the ass, but you have to admit you missed it. The banter, the argument, the intellectual battles between both of them. With Steve you had at least someone who didn’t care about anything but your brain. He didn’t care about your money or status and would ground you. That’s why, after you told us to come live in the Tower, you fought him so much and it angered you that he never answered to any of your insults anymore.”
Tony looked at Bucky side profile mouth agape. Bucky turned his head toward him and smiled sadly.
“I may not be as smart as you, Doll, but I’m not stupid.”
Tony dropped his gaze and took a deep breath. “He really didn’t react?” He asked, seriously. Long was gone his act. He was tired to battle his feelings. He was exhausted to be always thinking of Steve, of this dichotomy in his head, this war between his love and anger. Because no, he didn’t hate Steve. Tony simply didn’t understand why…why it felt so painful to be in love with Steve. He had been so warped up in his hurt, not letting go because he was afraid of losing ground and losing himself.
So yes, he hadn’t understood how Steve after leaving him looked so good and would act so righteously, while Tony was drowning. Steve never answered any of his barbs, he never tried to make any kind of interaction with Tony…and yes it angered him.
He had been so furious. Why was Steve the one who got out with any wounds and Tony the one left with a jagged heart. Why?
And then, Tony started messing around with Bucky. It has never been to hurt Steve or getting at him. Not at first…and then…and then Bucky came one day telling him that Steve agreed for a polyamorous relationship. If at first Tony had been on board, he soon realized that it wasn’t enough. He wanted it all. He wanted what Steve had offered. An equal relationship between all of them.
So, he created a plan, which, back then, seemed to be the best plan. The main goal was to push Steve to act or react. Tony had wanted Steve to be like he was before, when he used to force Tony to talk and open up. In his mind, they’d argue for a long and Steve would say something that made Tony crumple and open up. They’d both reveal their feelings and make out.
He knew his plan’s flaws. Well, he had learned quick enough that Steve was as stubborn as he. He respected Tony’s boundaries, never retorted to his insults, never complained when he offered a ridiculous planning for their dates. Well, he did reply but not like Tony would have wanted.
Steve’s small, uncertain voice had left him speechless. The man, who never backed down without a fight, had seemed so vulnerable and defeated. The angry beast inside Tony’s chest had jumped on this occasion and he’d responded carelessly. He’d thought Steve would be angry, and would react like he normally did by shutting Tony up.
The light in Steve’s blue eyes had dimmed at Tony’s answer and Bucky had to intervene, unaware that Tony was already about to apologies, and so he pretended that Bucky had been the one forcing him to soften his answer. While all he’d wanted was to kneel at Steve’s feet, grab his hands and ask him to forgive him, that he forgave him for everything anyway.
Now thinking about it, Tony realized he was wrong. Steve also has changed since Siberia. And maybe it was what scared Tony the most. Steve was totally different, and Tony didn’t understand how much.
Who was he now? What made him tick or laugh?
That’s partly why Tony made sure to go on business trip so often. He needed Bucky to be with Steve, to reassure both of them that Steve was somewhat the same they used to know. And yes, Tony knew it was fucked-up. He was the one hurting him and at the same time he wanted to keep him near, which explained the last part of plan B. And even that plan didn’t work, as Bucky was still with him and not Steve.
He repressed a hysterical laugh and gripped Bucky’s left hand where his ring shone.
“Why did you do that?” Tony asked abruptly.
“What?”
“Why did you choose me?”
Bucky tilted his head toward Tony and eyed his face.
“What?”
“I thought you’d choose Steve, honestly. You weren’t supposed to choose me.”
“The fuck you mean I wasn’t supposed to choose you?” Bucky asked sitting against the headboard.
“I mean. I pushed Steve away and hurt him you know it. I thought you’d realize how Steve is better than me and stay with me.”
Bucky stared at him eyes wide. “Doll, what the fuck are you talking about?”
“I had this plan.” Tony licked his lips, before spilling the truth out.
Bucky stayed calm and silent during the entire explanation and stared at the hoodie in his hand.
“I knew it,” Bucky admitted after Tony finished.
“You what?” He spluttered.
“I heard you talking about your stupid plan a year ago, Tony. You were so exhausted that you probably didn’t remember me, but I was there. I knew all along.”
Tony let go of Bucky’s hand. “And you let me do it?” He asked, dismayed.
“I…I…I.” Bucky dropped his head into his hands and groaned. “I don’t know. It felt good to be loved. It felt good to be the center of attention of two people, so yeah, I played along, thinking that you’d come around or Steve. And the more we went and the least I felt right about my decision. I kept lying and lying to Steve, pushing him away and he stayed. Everything I didn’t want to do with him, he put it on Hydra and my PTSD and I never tried to tell him otherwise. Like you said, I’m as guilty as you.”
Tony’s laugh made them both jump. The laughter rooted in hysteria and despair froze Bucky. It took a few minutes for Tony to calm down and even then, tears ran down his cheeks. Bucky automatically went to his face and wiped them.
“We are so fucked up,” Tony whispered, voice rasped. “So fucked up.”
Bucky only nodded.
“You didn’t tell me what Steve said,” Tony suddenly said.
Bucky sighed. “I guess, it’s the end of the line.”
Tony’s heart constrict. Fear flowed in his veins. The way Steve had acted yesterday…and what he told Bucky…Tony needed to be sure.
“Fri show me what Steve did yesterday.”
The AI, surprisingly silent, turned the TV on.
“Why…” Bucky stopped when they saw Steve preparing the rooftop with Thor.
Tony’s grip on Bucky’s hand accented. The more they watched and the more dreadful they felt.
The discussion with Thor at the end didn’t help. Tony tried to say something, to pause the recording and take a breather…his breath - or was it Bucky’s - grew quick. His hands – or Bucky’s – were sweaty. His vision tunneled and nothing mattered but the words that rang in his ears.
The incertitude of Steve, his fears, his surprise and doubt seeing Bucky and Tony, the way his eyes were blank and the smile on his face was fake, the way he held himself to still and didn’t answer when they wished him goodnight.
They both thought the video would stop there.
They watched silently Steve tidy the rooftop like a robot. There was a certain lack of life or presence in each of his movement, like he wasn’t mentally there.
Then Steve went surprising back to the empty rooftop.
“What is he doing, there is nothing left on the roof? Right?” Bucky asked with an underlying terror.
“Yes. Maybe he wants to make sure…”
Steve stepped up on edge and let himself fall.
Their heart, Bucky and Tony, stopped. They both surged out of the bed ready to catch him. Tony unconsciously activated his suit and was ready to fly out and was only stopped when Thor appeared on the screen, holding Steve’s limp body.
Only then Tony relaxed. Only then he realized that Steve was alive, and that Bucky had already talked to him a little earlier. The suit still on he let himself fall on the floor, in a loud thump. He rolled on his back, his breathing erratic.
Steve…Steve attempted suicide. Steve tried to kill himself. Steve tried to kill himself and it was their fault.
The suit disappeared around him and he was left raw. His entire lungs hurt every time he breathed. he tried to keep his eyes open and found a blurry face next to him. He raised his hand and the figure disappear as his hand passed through. The blurry face came back this time closer. Tony swallowed with difficulty and tried to call him. “St…e…ve”.
The face got closer, so close Tony could guess the blue piercing eyes watching him, worried. Tear ran down his temples as he tried again to say his name.
‘Steve’ got him to a sitting position and talked him through his attack. His voice, so familiar yet so different appeased Tony. “It’s been so long, Steve...” Tony admitted, delirious. “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay, Tones.” The voice answered, sad.
‘Steve’ pressed a kiss on the crown of his head and rocked gently the smaller brunette in his arms. They stayed in the same position for a couple of minutes.
“Sorry to interrupt, Boss, but Captain Rogers’ vitals are critic.”
Steve? But who was…?
Tony and ‘Steve’ stood up. Bucky avoided his eyes and grabbed his hands.
“I’m sorry, Bucky.”
Bucky glanced at him, offering a wistful smile. “I know, Doll.”
They made their way pretty quickly to Steve’s room. Friday led them to the bathroom. The door was off its hinges and there was blood steps all the way to the veranda, but all they noticed was the blood. They ran inside the bathroom and gasped. Bucky kneel next to the bloody tub. It was still half full of blood, but Steve wasn’t there. Bucky made sure of it. He dove his hands into the vital liquids search the entire bathtub. Tony stopped breathing as Bucky’s full arm got swallowed by the blood.
“Please…please…please…” He repeated under his breath.
Bucky took his hand out and shook his head. He slumped onto the bathtub and sat still. Tony took a big breath and fell onto his knees. Moved by the adrenaline and despair he crawled to Bucky and kissed him. Bucky lurched forward and deepened the kiss.
Fury. Sorrow. Anguish.
Their kiss turned angry. Bucky bit violently Tony until he bled, and Tony pulled his hair until Bucky groaned in pain.
Both of them chased physical pain to lessen the actual agony in their heart.
Both of them stopped at the same time.
“I’m sorry,” they both pronounced simultaneously.
Bucky pressed his forehead against Tony.
“It’s over,” they both declared simultaneously in a whisper.
Each of them took off their ring and let them sink in the bloody bathtub.
Epilogue
Thor was the one who found Steve’s bloody body. He had been the one to take him to Asgard where his mom and her servants nursed him back to health. He had been the one who made the choice for Steve to sacrifice his body filled with serum and revert to his smaller body, but no longer sick. Frigga had made sure to grant him the strength of the Aesir.
Steve may not live as long as Thor but he’ll live a long and healthy life.
They stayed long after he regained consciousness. Although his body was stronger than ever his mind was scattered. He saw a mind healer on Asgard who helped him get through. Thor made sure Steve would discover every day his world and the many other planets. He’d enjoy seeing bewilderment shine in Steve’s blue eyes whenever they travelled in the countryside or even inside the castle. Steve would capture with his brain every detail, that he’ll transcript on the finest canvas in Asgard.
Soon enough, Freya found out about his hobby and ordered some of his most ethereal paintings of their world.
Thor stayed by his side at each step. He listened to his cries, to his screams. He stayed by his side when he cried or hid terrified that Bucky or Tony would find him, barging in and taking away. Steve would whisper his darkest secrets, every time they wandered at night in the gardens. He’d talk about suicide, how he came to the conclusion that a life without Bucky wasn’t a life, how Tony had become his solace, and how they played with his heart, left hanging on the verge of sanity.
Thor never replied. Instead he offered a shoulder to cry, arms to wrap around his small frame when it was too much. Thor never showed any emotion but empathy. His heart was open to Steve. Always.
As they walked again through the garden, the moon grazing Steve’s blond hair like a crown, Thor’s heart fluttered. Steve, unconscious to all of his internal commotion, grabbed his hand and led him closer to the waterfall. Then, he let go of his hand and untied the long silk robe he was wearing, which fell on the floor silently.
Thor’s eyes took in every single detail of Steve naked body. But what struck him the most was his smile. A blinding smile.
“A smile so blinding…I’m jealous of whatever or whoever was your muse.”
Steve let out a laugh, head thrown back, revealing the white column of his neck.
“There is only one person with me tonight.”
Thor lips stretched into a fond smile. He watched peacefully as Steve’s pale body entered the deep water and untied his robe before jumping in the water, splashing Steve, who laughed louder.
Fin