Autism Pt2
When Bruce got Tony settled down and forced him to rest for a bit, he went back to the common room where the Avengers were all staring in shock, trying to comprehend what had happened.
Bruce sighed, taking a seat on the couch and prepared himself for questions.
“How did we not find out sooner?” Natasha asked. Bruce knew she would be the most skeptical, having not suspected anything from when she did her SHIELD report on Tony so long ago.
“Tony is very high functioning. Howard made sure of that,” Bruce said vaguely. He didn’t want to go too deeply into Howard’s ‘parenting’ with Steve around, and plus that was Tony’s choice to talk to the team about his childhood. “What you saw today is very rare. Tony tries very hard to imitate a neurotypical and he almost always succeeds. He was just on edge this week.”
“So all that snapping and stuff was…?” Clint asked, confused.
“It’s called stimming, it’s how he calms himself down. Tony’s main ones are snapping, humming, and tapping.”
“But why didn’t he tell us he was…” Steve started.
“Autistic.”
“Autistic?” Steve finished, frowning.
“Because I knew you would treat me differently. Everyone does,” Tony said, walking into the room. The team stared wide eyed at him and he took that as disgust. “See, you think i’m a freak.”
“We don’t think you’re a freak!” Steve said loudly. “I just don’t know what this means, or how to help, or what to do, or…” Steve sighed.
“You don’t have to do anything. I got it under control-”
“Tony,” Bruce sighed. “Stop talking like that.” Tony rolled his eyes, crossing his legs. “No, listen to me. You are autistic. It isn’t something you need to get ‘under control’. It’s a part of you. I know you hate to hear that, but it’s true. You are autistic. You shouldn’t be forced to change to make us feel better. You are who you are. And we love who you are. Yes, I'm sure there are times in the past that the team was ignorant, but this is a chance to educate them.”
Tony glanced up from where he was staring hard into his lap. He was met with a team of sad, begging faces.
“Bruce is right Tony. I’m sorry for the way we have treated you. It was ignorant and it was rude, and like he said, we want to learn from it,” Clint said.
Tony watched them all nod and sighed. “I can’t always tell what people are feeling. I look at your faces and…” Tony waved his hands around hopelessly. “It doesn’t always click, I guess. So when I say things that are mean or rude, I’m not always trying to be. To be fair, I am really sarcastic and sometimes like to be an asshole, but I can’t always tell when I cross a line. So I guess I am apologizing in advance.”
“So this means we all need to communicate our feelings better. Verbalize them if we have to,” Bruce added. Tony nodded and so did the team.
“Of course we can do that,” Natasha said.
“I am not as good at social cues as I may seem. Howard prepared me how to act on camera and in front of the press, but at home behind closed doors, it doesn’t come as natural to me. So like when I leave a room without saying bye, or forget to say ‘Good morning’, again I am not purposely trying to be rude,” Tony said.
The group nodded. “We understand.”
“But I don’t want you guys to treat me differently. I’m still a person. I’m still Tony. My mind just operates differently.”
“Well we already knew that. I can’t understand any of the machinery or math thingies in your workshop. I figured you were ‘different’ a long time ago,” Steve joked.
Everyone laughed, including Tony.
Tony would have liked to say things didn’t change, but they did, and for the better. The group was more tolerant than before. Tony no longer had to force down his stimming or wonder what emotions people were feeling. They were all tested though when Tony and Bruce’s first anniversary was coming up.
Bruce was doing a consult at Shield for the day when Jarvis called the rest of the team down to the workshop. They entered the glass doors to see Tony in the middle of the workshop pacing and ripping at his hair. The group ran over wide-eyed.
Tony’s hair was matted with sweat and he moved back and forth, shooting out his hands in fists when he wasn’t tugging on fistfuls of his hair. “Don’t, don’t know. Don’t know,” he kept repeating loudly. He couldn’t seem to finish the rest of the sentence. But they didn’t know if that was because he just couldn’t articulate what he wanted or because he was hyperventilating so badly.
“Tony?” Natasha asked cautiously.
Tony didn’t acknowledge her besides moving his hand from his hair to scratch furiously at his arm. Steve jumped to get him to stop but Clint pulled him back. “He doesn’t like to be touched, remember?”
“But he’s hurting himself!”
“Tony?” Natasha asked again.
“D-d-don’t know...don’t know,” Tony forced out, flustered.
“Maybe we should call Bruce,” Clint suggested.
“No! No!” Tony shouted. “Don’t k-know. Don’t…” Tony’s chest heaved as he fought to breathe through thick air.
“Tony, we don’t know how to help you,” Natasha said helplessly.
Steve watched the man’s hitching breaths and stepped forward. “Watch me Tony. You gotta take deep breaths like this. Look.” Steve took exaggerated breaths.
It took a few seconds, but Tony focused on him, imitating Steve’s large breaths to try to get his own under control.
“That’s it,” Steve said softly.
Tony snapped his fingers, his eyes racing around the room. “It’s our a-anniversary tomorrow b-b-but…”
“Come on, deep breaths,” Steve encouraged.
Tony paused to breath. “G-gift. I-I don’t...I d-don’t.”
“You don’t know what to get Bruce as a gift for your anniversary tomorrow?” Natasha concluded.
Tony took another few hitched breaths, nodding. His hand found its way in his hair again and ever so cautiously, Steve gently reached and removed it. “We can help you.” Tony let out another long breath, recovering from his breakdown.
When he got his breath and mind back under control, he internally screamed, hating that they saw him freak out, but also couldn’t ignore the newfound trust he had in them. He was still their same Tony.