A Poisoned Touch

The morning came slowly. After the best night of sleep he’d gotten since waking up from the ice, Steve really didn’t want to wake up. The smell of food was strong though and after a quick trip to the bathroom, Steve followed his nose towards the main kitchens.

He found Frigga and Loki there, both speaking to a cook.

“Ah. Good morning Steven. I trust you rested well.” Loki poked at an out of place feather, smoothing it down and causing Steve to once again shudder. Like his skin, no one had touched his wings voluntarily for so long. It was dizzying to accept it now after so long without.

“Now Loki, watch your hands. Our guest has gone from one extreme to another. It will take time for him to get used to friendly touch again.” Steve was really glad that Frigga understood, because he was flustered for sure.

“Hug was nice.” Is all he gets out before he can feel his face go red.

“I can only imagine.” Her voice was soft and soothing and Steve nearly melted. “Many assume that because we are a warrior culture that we do not understand the need for positive touch, but they are wrong. A clasp of hands will only go so far often, and a hug can do so much more.”

She takes a loaf of bread from the table and adds it to the basket she was holding and moves in closer to him. With a conspiratorial look she leans in, “even Loki, who is at times as prickly as his helmet, partakes in a good cuddle now and then.”

“Mother please.” Loki groans out, sounding all of 16 years old in his grumbling. “Let us stop talking of cuddles,”” the word drips with sarcasm, “and continue on with your morning plans. If we wait much longer to eat then I shall be forced to liberate that ham I am smelling.”

“Plans?” Steve was curious, he would have expected another meal like dinner the night before.

“Yes. I was speaking with Eir after I woke and we decided that it would probably be better to speak outside. It is such a lovely day and a picnic is the best way to begin a day such as this.”

“Also, Thor does tend to break things when he gets emotional and the three of us are expecting this to be very emotional. For you, definitely, but Thor and I think much of you and your health is important to us.” Loki almost seemed embarrassed to be so open, and Steve, well, he was definitely got to be a better friend to this strange and unpredictable man.

“Thanks for thinking of that.” He gingerly laid a hand on Loki’s forearm, surprised it didn’t actually turn blue. “I much prefer the outdoors to a hospital anyway.”

“Hospital?” Frigga asked.

“Ah, healing room.” Loki told her. He was still looking at where Steve had touched him. “The captain was quite sick as a babe, I imagine he spent a good amount of time bedridden.”

“Yeah, lots of time laid up staring at white walls.”

“Well. It seems Eir and I were correct then. My garden is very much not a healing room. It is possibly my favorite place in this galaxy. I am certain you will find it most relaxing Steven. Come.” She telegraphed her move, and he was pretty proud of himself for not tensing up when she laid a delicate hand on his bicep to gently steer him out of the kitchens and outside of the palace.

The Queen was correct that her garden was in no way anything like a hospital room. In fact it was nothing like anything he'd ever seen before. He’d seen plenty of gardens before, but this was more. In every conceivable way.

“Wow.” He breathed out.

“Ah, yes. Mother’s garden is a great beauty.” Thor walked out with a person dressed in long white robes. “I trust you found your rest to be well, Steven?”

“Best night of sleep since they woke me.” He wasn’t even exaggerating.

“That is heartening to hear, my friend.” Thor threw an arm around him, and the shock of it, the most blatant move the god had made, was enough to have Steve’s knees buckle. It was a damn good thing Thor was there to catch him.

“You oaf. Loki and your mother made it quite clear that you needed to take small steps in touch. Help him to the bench. I believe you threw him into shock.” The voice was all business and Steve only sorta heard it underneath the roaring in his ears.

He felt himself get settled onto a stone seat and then Thor was kneeling in front of him, contritness all over his handsome face. Next to him, the person who must be Eir, had hands softly glowing as they did a sweep eerily reminiscent of Stark’s med wand.

“Captain Rogers, is it? You are well. It must be a lot for someone to just go and touch you without permission after so long without.”

“Steve. Just Steve.” He let out a breath, let his wings flutter and settle more before he reached out and took Thor’s hand where it was resting on the bench. “I actually think I like Thor’s maniacal form of touch therapy.” He laughed and Eir just shook her head. His head? Steve was not at all sure.

“Steve you are too lenient to the oaf.” It was said with enough fondness that Steve didn’t actually worry. Not that he had space in his mind to worry when he still had Thor’s hand in his and there was no pain or fear on his friend’s face.

“Now, our picnic has begun with enough excitement. Shall we sup, and I can speak to you about any questions you might have.” Eir stood, and Steve saw Frigga and Loki standing close, both of them watching with interest.

“Yeah, I’m starving actually.” He stood, his hand still holding Thor’s and followed the small party to the place a blanket was laid beneath a copse of fruit trees. He waited until they were seated before he asked the questions that was niggling the back of his mind.

“I’m not sure how to say this without offending you, but sir? Or ma’am?” The blush came on fast, the embarrassment easy to read on his own face.

“I am both and neither. You can use they, them, or simply my name. Healer also is allowed.” Steve had read the packet on gender and sexuality just the month before, his team and Shield had been adamant they not throw everything at him at once. So he had a vague idea of what Eir spoke of, but he was still afraid of hurting feelings.

“You are curious. I understand that. When I started training as a healer I was a young lady. But as I studied seidr and the healing arts I found that respect was hard to find. It did not matter that I was top of my class, or that many healers before me had also been women. Perhaps it was the class I was in, it's no matter now. But when I hit my 500th year I decided that it did not want to deal with it any longer. So I chose to try life as a man. Seidr allowed me to shift my shape, and I still did not find the respect I was looking for.”

Eir paused and Steve was glad for that break, he could feel his anger stirring, he had never been one to stand by when people were being treated as less. “So, I discovered that it was not my gender that was the issue, it was simply that for a while there, healers and any one who used seidr was thought to be sneaky and untrustful. So I decided that I would forgo gender completely and not let what others think of me determine any part of my life. And in the past 200 hundred years I have been quite happy with my life.”

“Wow. You are so brave.”

“No. I am stubborn. Like you. I simply choose not to let others influence who I was.”

“Shit… I mean, sorry for the language. It is unbelievably brave to stand up for yourself. I am honored that you are taking time from your day to help me.” Eir was about to say something else, probably disagree again, but Frigga put her hand up.

“Now, Eir, you wouldn’t want to argue with a seasoned warrior about what braveness is? Would you? Especially not one who is known specifically for that trait.” She turned to Steve with a wink, “I have been telling Eir for years that they are quite brave, but they would hear none of it. Thank you.”

“Shall we eat before my dear brother’s stomach begins to eat itself?” Loki asked, interrupting blithely. Steve noticed that Thor was steadily inching a hand toward the basket filled with their food.

“Yes son. You may set the course.” Loki nodded, and with a wave of his hand, the food all settled on the blanket.

“Thank you brother.” Thor grabbed a bunch of grapes, offering one to Steve. “I did not want to interrupt as I agree with both Steven and mother as to Eir’s bravery, yet I know you did not want to keep covering the noises my middle was making.”

“Yes, my sons do need their bellies filled. But if you can stop yourself from talking and chewing simultaneously, we can still chat while we eat.” Frigga slathered a bit of the crusty bread with honey and offered it to Steve. He didn’t dare refuse her, and took it with a soft thanks.

Before he ate, he turned to Eir, doing his best to just deal with the fact that Thor was just about leaned up against him, their thighs touching and one of his giant arms resting against Steve’s wing behind him. “I just wanted to ask, I guess, what does being a Soros mean. I always knew I was different because of the serum, but if I’m different because of something else, what does that mean?”

"You may be Soros but you were raised human. Your humanity is what has gotten you this far and it will continue to influence what you do next. Do not try to divorce yourself from who you were to become someone new. Just continue as you were with this new piece as a part of the whole." Eir seemed pretty absolute in their statement and Steve let that turn around in his brain a bit.

“So, how different am I from my people? Or, race, I guess.”

“Now that I know of your origins, I can see much of the Soros in you. It all just seemed to be who you were. Your fairness, and your strength. The grace with which you move. Your coloring even.” Thor added, and Steve had so many questions, but the biggest one, was quickly answered by Eir without him even asking.

“There is no real way to tell how much of who you are now is because you are a Soros versus how you were raised on earth, again versus just who you are innately. Because who you are innately could be because you are from an aristocratic race from Aerilon, or it could be because you are Steven Grant Rogers of Brooklyn.” Frigga and Loki were both nodding like that made complete sense and didn’t just confuse Steve more.

Eir must have taken pity on him and whatever face he was making because they moved closer, kneeling in front of him. They lifted their hands again and the glow was back. With their eyes closed, they spoke softly but clearly.

“When Odin said your energies were good, he was not ignoring the deep loss you feel, or the grief from what you have been through. He meant that you are full of good. And that, it is surprisingly hard to find across the galaxies. You do what you think is right, no matter the consequences to yourself. You stand up for those who are weaker than you. You love fiercely. You are a kind, smart individual and that is neither because of your humanity or your Soros origins. It is just who you are.” When Eir pulled away Steve slumped into Thor, glad again that he was strong enough to hold him up.

“Than….um, thank you. That is...I, just thank you. For that.” He couldn’t stop the stutter, not when he was reeling from that look into his very being.

While he stewed in that he noticed Frigga and Eir begin to pick up the remnants from their meal. They stood, leaving the three men alone.

“Before you leave, Eir, I have a question if Steven does not mind me getting a bit personal.” He looked to Steve, and since he was curious, he nodded. “We know that in human years the good captain is nearly 100 years old, since he slept under the ice for almost 70. You touched his energies, how old would he be for a Soros?”

“Ah, well the Soros are a long lived race. Not close to the Aesir of course, but they often reach a millenia. And our Steve has barely scratched his early hundreds. I believe a mix of the sickness he was born with, the serum he was administered and the sleep he partook of in the ice has disrupted his normal aging. I could look into it more, if he would spend a mere few minutes near the healing rooms. The soul forge could give us more concrete answers.”

Steve wasn’t sure what Loki was expecting, but Steve, it was his fear come true. Told to him in black and white. He was going to outlive everyone again. He held it in until the women had left, but once they were alone, the sobs broke free. He got his wings around him like a blanket before he felt strong arms surround him. The tears didn’t stop though.