Chapter 17
Peter can’t fucking stand it. He is so angry at everyone and everything, and he has no idea why. Pepper and Tony are nothing but nice to him, but he is so irritated with them for no discernible reason. Tony is just trying to get Peter to do things with him, he doesn’t want him just doing nothing all day, but that’s all Peter wants to do.
“Hey Pete, want to go down to the lab for a bit?”
Peter sits up from lying down on the couch and replies, “Sure.” He doesn’t really want to though, he just wants to stay lying there all day, but Tony won’t have it.
As soon as they start working Peter is annoyed. Tony is trying to get him to work on some new skills but Peter doesn’t want to. He’s terrible at it and it isn’t fun. Normally he would’ve liked a challenge, but not now. He keeps messing up and is getting more and more frustrated the longer he spends working. Tony’s patient, and is trying to help him, showing him how to do it and taking it slow so he could learn, but Peter just wants to leave. He only responds with a simple ‘yeah’ or a hmm here and there, sometimes not even responding at all. He doesn’t know if Tony notices, but Peter feels like crying or punching something, maybe both. After about fifteen minutes Peter can’t take any more without exploding, and he doesn’t want to do that to Tony, he didn’t do anything to deserve Peter’s sudden, unexplainable frustration. So he stands up suddenly to leave, right in the middle of Tony explaining something to him.
“Where are you going?” Tony looks up at him, confused.
“My hands are tired,” Peter replies, his voice and face free of any emotion.
“Okay, well you did really well so far, I’m still surprised how quickly you pick things up.”
Peter knows he’s lying, he’s doing terrible and it’s quite obvious, it makes him even more irritated with Tony. God, why is he such an asshole, Tony is probably so confused by his reaction, he’s only being nice. Peter’s being a terrible person for no reason, but he feels so angry that he doesn’t care enough to do anything about it.
“I’m gonna go have a shower,” Peter says, walking towards the elevator.
“Okay, I’ll see you in a bit then,” Tony replies, Peter doesn’t say anything back.
As soon as the hot water hits his back Peter starts crying. The anger has completely left him and all that is left is guilt. He hates himself for being so mean. He probably upset Tony. Why why why why why did he have to be so terrible. He tries to keep his crying quiet as he sinks down to sit against the wall. He curls up into a ball and sobs into his knees silently. He learned to cry quietly back at the apartment pretty well. There’s a deep ache in his chest and it only makes him cry harder. He wishes so much that he could be a better person and not hurt the people around him. Tony and Pepper don’t deserve any of this.
His thoughts stay in this awful loop for a while before he feels numb again. He prefers feeling numb compared to the terribly overwhelming surge of emotion. When he’s numb he isn’t angry or sad or anything, and he won’t lash out at anyone because he doesn't have any energy to.
After changing back into his clothes he lays down on his bed so his back is to the door and he’s facing the windows. He wants to go and lay on the couch, it’s so boring doing nothing in his room. When he was in the living room he could listen to the television, hear Tony and Pepper moving around and talking. It allowed him to do nothing, but have something to grasp onto in his blank mind. He can’t though, if he does he would probably be dragged off by Pepper or Tony, and he doesn’t want to do anything so he stays in his room. He knows someone will come to find him eventually, but at least he’ll have some time to do nothing first.
He lays there for a while, he can’t tell how long, before he hears a knock on his door.
“Peter?” Tony’s voice calls from the other side of his bedroom door, “Can I come in?”
“Yeah,” Peter responds, his chest moving to say the words, he is exhausted. Tony opens the door and sits on the edge of his bed.
“How are you doing?”
“Fine.”
Peter doesn’t know what to say and he doesn’t think Tony does either, because it’s silent for a bit. Peter doesn’t even realize he’s crying until a tear drops from his nose onto his pillow case. He can hear the sound of it when it hits and little drops break off and spread. He imagines it like a fractal in math, the little drops breaking infinitely into smaller and smaller pieces, spreading over his pillow case and comforter. He almost forgets that Tony is even there until he feels a hand on his shoulder. “Hey bud, what’s wrong?” Tony reaches with his other hand to wipe the tears off his cheek. Peter doesn’t know, that’s the whole problem. He doesn’t know why he’s feeling like this, going from irritated to numb to deeply sad all in a matter of hours. He wants to know so he can fix it, but he doesn’t know that he can. “It’s okay Peter, you can tell me, I’m here for you,” Tony continues. His voice is soft and the hand on his arm is moving in small circles. It’s comforting.
“I don’t know,” Peter says, and before Tony can interrupt, “Really. I wish I did. I’m sorry for being so mean in the lab.”
“It’s okay Peter, I just want to help you. I know you weren’t really being mean, I just want to know why so I can help.”
“I was just so mad at you,” Peter pauses to look at Tony to make sure he isn’t upset with him. Tony doesn’t look mad, just curious, so he continues, “I don’t know why, I guess I was just mad at everything, and you were just there. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I was so angry, and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”
“Hey, it’s okay Peter. You’re going through a lot of changes right now, things are different from how they were and you’ve been through a lot. I’m sure you’re feeling a lot of things and that’s understandable. Is there anything I can do to help?”
Peter just feels himself cry harder at that. Tony’s being so nice to him and it feels so strange, especially after he was so mad at him. Tony gathers him up in a hug and holds him tight while he cries. Peter didn’t know how to answer Tony’s question, but Tony knows what to do anyway. Tony hugging him is all he could ever need, it feels like right now. It feels like this hug could fix all his problems and even fix him.
After his tears start to die down he lets go of Tony and looks at his face. Tony is looking at him too, and Peter can see in his eyes the worry and concern, but also the love directed towards him. They stare at each other for a moment before Tony speaks up, “Is there anything you want to do? We can do anything you want kiddo.”
“Maybe we could just watch a movie?”
“Sure thing,” Tony responds as he goes to stand. Peter rolls off the bed and follows him into the living room and lays on the couch. Tony grabs a blanket from a nearby chair and throws it over Peter before sitting beside him, resting his arm on Peter’s blanket covered feet.
“You pick,” Peter tells him. Tony starts searching through movies and Peter feels so cozy that he can barely comprehend what movies move across the screen. Tony picks one and Peter doesn’t see the title, but he doesn’t mind. The irritation and numbness he felt earlier are both gone, now he just feels sleepy. He adjusts the blanket so he is basically in a cocoon and only his face is peeking out. He feels so far away from what happened earlier. He can’t even muster up a fraction of the annoyance he felt and doesn’t even understand how he could have felt that way.
His thoughts drift back to May, which hasn’t happened too much since he came here. It’s only been a few days, but it feels like living at the apartment with her and John was a completely separate life. It feels like it’s been years since he was stuck there. He misses May, he used to lay on the couch during movies and she would put her hand on his feet just like how Tony is now. They hadn’t done that in a long time though, and he didn’t realize he missed it. He’s glad he’s here instead of there, but he also misses May a lot. For some reason it feels like he’ll never see her again, which he knows is ridiculous, but it also feels true. He knows he’ll have to go back sometime, but right now, snuggled up on the couch with Tony beside him, he doesn’t really want to. It’s strange he felt such anger at Tony, when he is the one who makes him feel the safest in the world, the exact opposite of how he felt at the apartment.
He doesn’t want to think about that now though. He isn’t there, he’s here with Tony. He tries to focus on the screen and not think, and it’s harder than it might seem. Once he recognizes what's playing though, he doesn’t have to try too hard. It’s another star wars movie - Tony and Pepper do know that he watches other stuff right? - and he gets lost in the plot, even though he knows it like the back of his hand. Any thoughts of the apartment or May seem far away and all he feels is warm from the fuzzy blanket and being with Tony.